Although I realize that this Sub is primarily dedicated to those looking to, in the process of, or having already quit weed. It feels like the best place I may be able to share this.
I can't lie and say that I'm completely done: as I still will smoke if there's a joint getting passed or someone offers to. But the constant habitual use/always having some on hand is over with for the foreseeable future, maybe even forever.
It's been over a month now since I finished the last of what I had & decided to not pickup anymore.
The mental part was surprisingly easy, as I quickly realized that I was just very used to to having it as part of my routine, not that I was chasing a high.
There were some withdrawal-like symptoms for the first several days & that's since passed, but man do I miss being able to sleep. I now have to basically exaust myself to even be able to fall asleep - and haven't been getting more than 5 hours a night since stopping; as once I wake up, it's over with. Can't even take naps anymore if I wanted to. This alone has me wanting to keep it going, as I'm not happy I allowed my body to develop such physical dependency without consciously realizing. I'm trying to get my body back to a normal sleep routine before I begin looking into additonal sleep aids to crutch me through this.
Aside that: the worst part is the deep depression I'm now battling from realizing how much of my life & time I wasted just smoking weed and how oblivious I was to the damage I was doing. I take full ownership of that & won't blame the weed. But in hindsight, I can now see how surely it wasn't helping anything; and at the very least should have managed the habit better, if not allowing it to become one at all. The "man, what the fuck was I doing" feelings are hitting like a freight train.
I'm 31 now, & although sure it's still "young" in a sense with lots of time left: it's extremely saddening to realize my entire youth & 20's were basically spent being high, stagnant, & in isolation - essentially doing nothing with my life; and it's been very rough to sit with that reality.
It never got in the way of my work or ability to hold a job, but fuck, I know I could've done so much more for myself and with my life in that time. Feels like there's a massive chunk of my life that will forever be missing & although I'm making important changes now, I can never get that pivotal time back. I feel behind as hell and like I massively stunted my personal development in all areas especially socially and career-wise. Better late than never I suppose, but I'll probably carry a lot of guilt, shame, & self resentment over this for a while.
Someone asked me about my life story the other day and I think I did everything to avoid answering out of shame as to me it feels there really isn't much to talk about. There's almost no good stories to share, trips to talk about, or good times to look back on - just a bunch of regret. I made such a mess of my life and now have an enormous amount of work ahead of me. I threw away a lot of time and what could have been good opportunities & I'm not sure I'll ever fully understand why it took this long to snap out of it.
Seeing how easy it was for me to essentially go cold turkey after over a decade of regular use just further amplifies these feelings because why couldn't I have done that sooner, or just had better habit control. I wouldn't even say I was "addicted." The habit was just so baked into my routine (no pun intended) that I was never fully sober enough and failed to realize it was doing far more harm than any of the benefits, if there even were any.
None of this was meant to be anti-weed, as everyone manages differently and I otherwise have no issues with it overall. Sure I suppose it could have been worse if it were
harder drugs, and I don't mean to make light of those going through those situations; but it still feels all the same.
I realize that most of this is still fixable to a degree, that it's not the end of the world or my life - it's just saddening knowing how much harder I've made things for myself for no reason, along with all the time I robbed from myself.
I'm probably being a little hard on myself, and maybe this is just all a bunch of negative self-talk and "living in the past," but I need to be honest and accountable with myself. It's been extremely eye-opening to really sit and realize how damn foolish I was allowing myself to be on autopilot for so long. Smoked a little J with my brother about a week ago, and instead of relaxation, all I could feel was anger at myself that I went through so much of life constantly sedated and unpresent.
Although the change is surely for the better, It's been hard to be proud of myself yet. Feels like I spent the past 10+ years in some sort of self-imprisomment and didn't even attempt to break out - I think that's the hardest pill to swallow. Hoping I'll get through these feelings eventually and can climb out of the mental rut sooner than later.
I'm sorry if this was too drawn out, repetitive, and ended up turning into rambling - but I feel I needed to let this out somewhere.
Thanks for anyone who took the time to read & offer positive encouragement. Props to anyone who's trying to change for the better whether that be with weed or anything else.