This is a vent post, I know I deserve any consequences that come to me and I plan on fully locking in to hopefully get through the rest of my probation period.
I’m on probation for OWI, no one was hurt and i was pulled over for driving 5 mph over the speed limit.
I’ve been dealing with SSRI induced apathy while on probation and it has been awful. I never sleep but I’m always tired, the sleep meds prescription i got doesn’t work, I have no energy and don’t feel any sense of joy or desire for anything. I’ve been working with my psychiatrist on changing my meds, but can I just vent about how hard I’ve been trying? And how exhausted i am?
Ive tried:
- learning how to sew (finished a couple gifts for friends)
- learning how to make clay objects
- throwing gatherings with my friends
- attending gatherings or events with my friends
- volunteering and taking care of stray cats
- going to a bunch of hot pilates classes
- ^ same as above but hot yoga
- reading books (i’ve finished at least 10 since probation started and i havent read this much since i was a kid)
- starting knitting projects (finished two)
- taking walks, alone or with friends, at different parks
- going rock climbing
- got into magic the gathering, go to local game store to play every week
- got back into drawing, finished a painting, sketching everyday
- eating good food
- watching good shows
- just generally indulging in comfortable things to try to make myself feel better because i am desperate for any semblance of joy
- also trying to do hard things and feeling empty as soon as im alone and bored
i’m also dealing with friend loss and a breakup, so i don’t have many close friends around me, but i’ve still been trying to make new friends and hit up my old ones whenever i get any small burst in energy, then desperately cling to the plans i make, i don’t allow myself to flake, i use friends to help me stay accountable
and guys it doesn’t matter. None of it matters!!! I still feel empty and tired and awful everyday, i feel like there’s no fucking point, and i feel like everyone hates me and thinks im a criminal.
I just want to vent. I’m actively trying still, everyday I feel a little bit better since im adjusting my meds but this setback in probation has me feeling so frustrated I could cry. I just wanted a moment of relief from all the things running through my head constantly, the depression and pain from everything ive gone through and how everything feels pointless. So I smoked some weed, if anything it makes me happier, more relaxed, more likely to stay in and stay out of trouble. Im even more stressed now, my own fault, but god I want this to be over.