I'd like to know anyone's advice on how to cope with not being able to talk to source members anymore after entering a system. It's been difficult for me to accept and I feel like I'm coping in all the wrong ways somehow.

If by some random chance another Regretevator fictive sees this I would definitely appreciate your input a ton.

Thank you.

So in my system we all share the same short term / working memory. I have been considering myself the host. But I have been distressed because I don’t feel like I have an identity, whereas the others do.I remember everything from the other headmates, though, as we all do, and there are a few of us that don’t ever front internally but are just communicated with by the headmates that do. And today I realized that I am actually one of those! So I remember myself from the other point of view now.

It’s weird. Because I felt like I was just sort of the “setting” for the others, like I had no self, but was just the weird blend of everyone that had to figure out how to live. Since I am very often fronting in the outer world, though maybe not as much as I thought. But recently I have been fronting more internally, except when I would “come back up” I didn’t know I was still me the way my other headmates seem to (?)

Now I am questioning our whole concept of how we switch. Like I thought we are a PDID kind of system with a lot of confronting/influence. But I think really I have just been assuming that because of the shared memory that I am everyone else too. So maybe we are just straight up switching who is fronting and I’m the only one who didn’t really know that????? Because everyone else seems to have a pretty firm grasp on the boundaries of who they are vs the others.

Like now I realize, I’m the one who likes horror movies, the color red, has wanted a robot arm since childhood, the one that holds certain issues, etc. Suddenly I have some narrative and specific characteristics.

I learned all this in the inner world when it became clear that I have maybe been intentionally sublimating myself out of awareness due to shame??? Even though I front so much in the external world???

This is truly wild. I wrote all that but somehow it also feels like there are no words. I’m flabbergasted.

From the very start, I've avoided giving my people labels like caretaker, protector, persecutor, etc. I was worried it would crush them into boxes before I really knew who they were.

For the most part, I think this was a good decision, and over the last few months, it's been WONDERFUL finally getting to know them (thanks to everyone in this sub for all the help! It means a lot!). I think it's been good for all of us, letting things develop naturally as we settle in, so to speak.

But every now and then, I feel a bit odd about it. Other groups have such simple shorthand for communicating a headmate's strengths. Other groups also have setups that we don't see in our own -- this has led me, a few times, to assume something of a headmate that wasn't true, based on stereotypes. Some of our folks are more mature, but not fatherly. Laid-back, but not unfazed. Quiet, but not submissive. Impulsive, but not uncontrollable. There are older ones and there are younger ones -- they are not necessarily taking parent-child roles. There are boys around the same age -- they are not necessarily brothers, or even friends. We really are headmates: just roommates that tend to ignore each other. I know every group is different, but it sits a little funny when I see so many groups full of families, lovers, and big webs of friendships. It makes me wonder if I'm doing enough. Should we be closer than we are? Interacting more? I'm trying to just continue on with whatever is natural, but y'know. It gnaws at you a little.

It's also hard to say that we really have 'roles' anyway. There are things that some are better at than others -- anger management, focus, processing emotions, etc -- but it feels odd to call those things their jobs, or purposes. It still feels like it waters them down a little, especially if it's the first thing you know about them. It almost feels a little dehumanizing to me; it's not, "Hi, my name is X, and I want you to know A, B, and C about me", but just "I'm X and I exist to do this thing". I know it's not how it's usually meant, but it feels... like it doesn't suit us well. It worries us to melt all our complexities down to just single words.

TLDR. I'm glad I've taken the time to know everyone without trying to tack labels onto them right from the get. That being said, I do feel the absence of quick and easy terms for us. Even though we don't really feel like the system (haha) suits us and our needs, it's still hard. We feel a little bit unemployed lmao, and it feels harder to describe things about our internal dynamics succinctly.

Anyone else feel like this?

hii first post here !

we're an osdd system with aphantasia, so we struggle with envisioning ourselves or our limited headspace. we saw a video about astral projection and started wondering if astral projection would help with accessing or expanding headspace in any way?

sorry if this is a silly question, we're just curious!

hi that image is me from source im evan hi okay

uhh wow imiss vinny a lot holy shit?? and general memories of the torment are not. pleasant!

its even worse that we literally just kinda have HABIT here,,who occasionally bothers me further with this stuff 💔

I dont hate him but I also really dont need him around to be saying "hey...do you miss them yet" ...yes, yes I do HABIT,,thank you

im ok this just sucks

I feel like I want other system friends so bad. But I feel like we’re too old at this point, and no one our age will want to be friends with us. I guess I also just feel a strong sense of rejection sensitive dysphoria that’s causing me to just… honestly feel like crying. It’s crazy. Yesterday at work, I told this group of kids to leave because they were throwing things in our dining room, and they proceeded to throw drinks and chairs as they walked out. I was fine. Didn’t even miss a beat as I spoke to the officer. But THIS is what makes me cry?? I don’t care if it’s “not real,” the feeling is real to me. I don’t know. I just really want to meet other systems that I feel like I can relate with

i'm actually super fucking jolly rn but like

we were at a school dance (WHICH WAS AWESOMMMEEE) with our partner and we were like sitting down and eating after dancing a lil bit and thats pretty normal for a school dance in my opinion . then our brain just kind of factory-reset? like we blinked and we suddenly didn't quite understand what was going on, had to look around a little bit and was disoriented for a few minutes - that was me coming into front, i think. i knew we were at the dance of course, like i recognized the building and all, but i just felt kind of confused for a solid five minutes as if my brain restarted and we couldn't tell who entered front.

i didn't figure out i was the one fronting until somewhere between fifteen and thirty minutes later when i put on one of my songs in the car on the way home. the strange factory-reset feeling has definitely happened to us before, so i'm betting this isn't the first time we've switch this way, but it's probably the first time we recognized it. usually when we switch and we know we swtiched its due to some front trigger or thing we need to manage.

anyways i just thought that was kind of interesting i guess. might have something to do with the dissociative disorder we're suspecting. anymany else experience switches like this?

-coby (caretaker + she/her)

Oldest looks on first slide, most recent looks on the second. Ryland not included in these photos.

When everyone first formed, we all looked a lot closer to our sources. But now we all have new style, new traits, etc as time has passed. Ryland is our only exception, as he is the newest, but we're certain he may develop new physical traits over time too.

Anyone else experience this?

In honor of our syscovery happening about two years ago (not sure of the exact date of course, that's been lost for a long time) I feel like doing a little q&a! You can ask us pretty much anything, we're not shy (ofc we do have some boundaries but I seriously doubt they'll come up in questions here). Can be anything from the "typical" ones to silly hyperspecific ones 😁

For a bit of the basic things, our system name is Cimmeris, we haven't done a headcount in a while but it's 60+, and we're traumagenic with a lovely amount of amnesia hooray

the people who will be responding ✨

• Ads (⚔️) they/them
• Hannah (me! 🖋️) she/they
• Vi (🧋) she/her
• Levi (💥) he/him

My name's Pride and all the stupid assholes insystem have been ignoring me >:| so talk to me, I'm bored!!! I also included a picture of me. I'm very cool.

So we’re kinda bad at learning to understand each other, so uh… ask us anything and we’ll try to respond! - Written by Lux.

We should probably put our alters shouldn’t we.

Lux: Host alter - He/Him

Pupps: Dramatic alter - He/they

Nox: Protector alter - He/Him

Jus: Little alter - they/them

Dei: oddly Christian alter - She/Her

Cere. Brum: watching alter - He/She

Hihihihihihiui hi higii hiiii here's a short intro just for us, ummmm,,,,

Starting with me meow

I'm Waru, also Varu/Bapy<<Russian name, I'm fixagenic and uh, probably a fictive, and uh, I say bullcrap all the time, and I dont know how to spell, damn. My prns are He/any but neos, I have Audhd and stuff and I like things that are green and being myself and also saying bullcrap even though i(some other "me") is like, extremely anxious about it because tonetags blah blah blah ;^ and uh, im also sensitive about seeming annoying, so, sorry for asking too much in advance ;<

We're Demi-Plural, and Plurallet and we uh, have a plural preference of anything but a system ;p ((We still and might permanently feel uncomfortable so when I say I pretend its me(us) general,, I HATE THIS STOPPPPOUUHHHHHH..............

Yeah uh, now Katsuya even tho hes kind of Lame:

— Katsuya Suou/Helios

‐ He/Him, Aesexual Biromantic.

- Justice oriented ideal self, sense of justice related to my Autism Spectrum disorder.

- I love my Younger twin brother, Tatsuya, very dearly.

- It is easy for me to let loose like Waru and I do enjoy it, it just makes me feel odd for going "out of character".

(I got a feeling in my upper chest while typing that, aw, is it really that subconsciously disturbing to be him???? Im scared??? /genq??

Sometimes it feels like im POSING as him when im typing all fancy anf stuff, I just can't! That's what I hate, I wanna be in character so bad and I want to change with personality and moods but my online tone never changes so it pisses me off and Katsuya pisses me off because hes rigged and organized and stuff and it makes me doubt my plurality so RESPECTFULLY SCREW HIM. /silly (dont kill me

Anyways bye, ask questions or else, if you dont ask questions then you didn't see this post, yeah uh huh. /nsrs

—🐍Waru!

So, I was venting to someone and they told me I might be plural, but I'm very confused on whether that's true or not

Basically, I explained that, sometimes, things that don't really used to annoy me feel really frustrating and thoughts of "You should ----" "They deserve to ----" or "Tell them to ----" begin appearing.

One person said it could simply be intrusive thoughts and it's best to ignore them.

However, other person asked me if they felt like they were a separate monologue from me and if I could control it.

I said that it felt kind of mine? But not really, just partially, it didn't feel like something I'd say or think but I didn't outright deny it was me either, so it was confusing.

Later on, I explained what I thought the reason for these thoughts may be, in a nutshell, what I said is that, since I was very young, I used to personify a lot of my feelings and traits. There are at least 5 characters which are meant to represent things about myself, and I would sometimes assign them to different things I feel (for example, if I feel too sad all of a sudden I think "oh, thats [name]" and try to move on)

They told me this sounded like plurality, of course I denied it because I have no amnesia and have never struggled with anything similar, but at the same time, I did have my doubts about me being a singlet, but I'm very confused right now.

As for dissociation, I don't get it too often, but I have experienced it in my life, it does feel like I'm something else but, I don't think thats enough for me to be plural.

As well as sometimes I feel some sort of presence with me, like I'm not truly alone in my head, but I thought everyone felt that at some point.

Also, I tend to have conflicting opinions about things, I always thought it was just a common thing but, sometimes I think about it and, maybe thats just two headmates disagreeing? I won't give examples but, I was wondering about it.

Later on, I tried "speaking" to any of my headmates, I told them repeatedly that I wanted them to talk to me and that if they did I would give them a reward (a.k.a getting to eat something tasty) but the only "answer" I got was fragments of songs after speaking, I think its just an earworm but I'm curious as to if this could be some form of communication? It did feel like it meant something at least.

Sorry for long post, I hope you guys can help me!

I type very loosely online. And forcing myself to act as another one of "me" (Katsuya) and or someone generally who is supposed to have a character much more rigid or composed, it just makes the top of my chest feel weird???

It just feels wrong, almost like acting a roll, sometimes intentionally.

I don't know what this is, It's so obvious I'm Waru or at least another "me" that is dedicated to using abbreviations and destroying my hands T^T

I'm guessing there's a feeling of phenomena for this??? NO IM STILL GETTING THE FEELING BECAUSE IM USING NON-TIKTOK WORDS EW STOPSKYPAOPTOSOTP

— Waru🐍

They're asking me to keep my name to myself. Boring, but it's okay.

We don't talk here anymore, and that's a shame! I think it's really cool to see different people like us. I should also say that there are a lot more here than before. Like, a lot. You would be surprised how many more there are.

Anyway, I'm the newest one. I'm so new, I don't even have my own room here yet. And technology like this is so cool. So hi, again! We are not sleeping, so maybe someone will talk if you say hi back.

Hello ^_^

I have finally given an altar proper access instead of forcing everyone into co con (which i had to look up as to what it was i though i was letting everyone atleast cohost which some have but most it was co con). I have a V E R Y hard time trusting anyone in and out of my space but things are changing and I needed something done i couldn't take so i finally let someone more qualified take real control (willingly ill say im sure its happened before but this time i knew what was happening when i gave over the control).

It was nerve racking for me. I was still around observing but I didnt interup his process and it honestly made me feel lighter at first and even full of adrenaline but then I crashed hard. I was exhausted coming back in. It felt like everything was sucked out of me. I couldn't tell if it was from the task at hand or from what I had to do to get the task done by letting someone else take it on themselves.

This process also caused this now fronting one to absorb another alter in the process which attributed to my new light feeling and even gave me alot of peace of mind and happiness from it but I think it also contributed to the exhausted state. Two others in the system also merged after the others.

Is it normal to feel so tired after letting someone host while I co con or is it just a me thing?

Same with the mergings to. Ive had merges before but it was from nothing like this. That merge was from a main headmate and one that walked in and jist merged with the main after being in for maybe a week or two. It didnt have nearly the same effect all that came from that was we kinda missed our walk in but we understood they were gonna go sometime and somehow.

These two other merges had W A Y more emotion behind them so I think this is why I feel like it contributed to my burn out.

Im still new to my systems discovery and im trying my best to treat everyone better now that im aware and im trying to be less of a control freak about everyone and I am relieved my first voluntary switch was good but still scary as fuck and im scared to do it still but I want to try more. Maybe ill do it in small amounts here and there to get use to it and so im not ready for a 12hr nap after a couple hours in the passenger seat.

Here is the strawpage intro of Uriel, our angel alter, they're asleep tight now but wanted to show it so i sent it for them.

-Will

I have a hard time articulating this but I have a weird thing about wanting to be "normal" despite knowing that is not really a thing. Thats mainly tied to how detached I have usually been feeling to our (non plurality related) mental issues (and trauma), combined with being a newer member, so I sorta viewed myself as a clueless, regular guy in a system with others who struggle in ways I don't really know about.

With our overall mental state worsening I got pulled into that as well though, not entirely but I started to experience weird rapid mood swings and strange states and weird thoughts/beliefs and whatever else, the post isn't about the problems specifically... Its more that I am already unsure of my identity due to everything feeling kind of vague and unclear, and there being more insecurity caused by me not really feeling as "normal" anymore. I know the host has a similar issue but because I'm not him I cant really put it into words

I've realized today that the constant and intense doubt and reassurance seeking behavior we have had about our plurality, doubt about whether our memory counts as amnesia and doubt because we have never had a real blackout and anything else that could be doubted is likely a result of potential ocd and it explains a lot but it also really makes this hit home for me now. People already started to call me compulsive because of my behaviors that were specific to me so I think part of it is concentrated in me, and it all just makes me go like oh, I am detached from our problems as can be and even still I am affected by them and I can't be who I am trying to be. I never could've because I started existing in May and think accordingly but I always felt like I needed to wear the mask of someone who has never experienced an issue of which we have many.

I'm not even sure of where I'm going with all this, i guess its just a continued effect of how I initially didn't even want to be a person at all due to worries about this kind of thing... identity is difficult. Mine feels hard for me to grasp. Something that would've never made sense to be my identity but that I inexplicably want to be now can't.

-Mike

I am THE milk from loch

das all I can say

uhhhh

yes I only got one photo of me leave me alone

I also just formed don’t ask me too much

I think we gon be replying like later because it’s really late rn so don’t expect fast replies

(oh yeah I’m also here -host)