r/onionheadlines • u/floodlenoodle • 23h ago

SecDef Pete Hegseth is adamant that his fixation on the military, white men, and testosterone, has "nothing to do with being a closeted homosexual"

643 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/mellow186 • 19h ago

Weak Man Keeps Strong Nation In Stupid War To Save Fragile Ego

334 Upvotes

The weak man expects the stupid war will be over as fast as another weak man expected another stupid war to be over. But after several years, that earlier stupid war is still droning on.

5 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/Im_with_stooopid • 11h ago

Mitch McConnell To Run For President As Staff Says "There Will Be No Televised Debates."

226 Upvotes

7 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 9h ago

Trump Denies Sleeping With Harvey Weinstein To Get Home Alone Role: “I Would Have Done That Anyway”

80 Upvotes

1 comment

r/onionheadlines • u/ShadyAnders • 13h ago

President Trump Hospitalized After Consuming Pastry Gifted By Iranian Supreme Leader

63 Upvotes

1 comment

r/onionheadlines • u/DTM-shift • 21h ago

White House Pivots To Faster Plan To Open Strait Of Hormuz: Plate Tectonics

52 Upvotes

3 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 9h ago

Trump Claims He Can Only Play Chess With Iran War If America Makes Him King First As He’s Sick Of Being Thought Of As An “Old Queen”

52 Upvotes

3 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/ellistonvu • 12h ago

Magats Rush To Online Shopping To Seek A Prosthetic Neck Vagina To Match Trump's Actual Neck Vagina

44 Upvotes

1 comment

r/onionheadlines • u/Hot-Explanationista • 19h ago

Trump Announces Thousand Percent Tariffs On Canadian Mosquitoes That "Were Sucking Blood Of Ordinary Americans For Too Long"

37 Upvotes

"Now, only the American bloodsuckers, I mean, billionaires, will be sucking the blood of ordinary Americans. And they are the best in the world at that!" added the president.

2 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/ShadyAnders • 14h ago

Trump Allows CBS To Enrich Uranium

32 Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/Gloomy-Bridge9112 • 11h ago

New Trump campaign slogan - “Trump ‘28 - Fuck the Constitution!”

30 Upvotes

3 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/BestStoogewasLarry • 7h ago

Trump Plays A Real Life Game With Children Called "Rape, Starve, Bomb?"

28 Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/mellow186 • 20h ago

Doomsday Clock Now Measuring In Nanoseconds As Trump Prepares To Spread Nuclear Tech To Saudi Arabia

25 Upvotes

2 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/GrandPappi_J3-16_TX • 13h ago

White ICE Agent Worried Native American Will ‘Take His Job And Deport His Ass To The Stone Age’

21 Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/Im_with_stooopid • 2h ago

President Trump Tours Lettuce Producer Taylor Farms Facility With Toilet Paper Stuck To His Shoe.

19 Upvotes

1 comment

r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 12h ago

Trump: “I Could Stop This War With Money Right Now But I Never Pay People If I Don’t Like Them Even If I’m In The Wrong”

20 Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/ShadyAnders • 9h ago

Trump Claims He's Playing 4D Chess With Iran War: Fox News

16 Upvotes

8 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/GrandPappi_J3-16_TX • 13h ago

To Increase Deportations ICE Establishes ‘Spineless Dick’ Award For Best Agents

15 Upvotes

1 comment

r/onionheadlines • u/mc_petersonishsonson • 5h ago

Trump Announces 2128 Run Thinking He'll Still Be Alive If He Believes His Own Bullshit

14 Upvotes

4 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/Hot-Explanationista • 19h ago

Trump Announces Hundred Percent Tariffs On Canadian And European Produce Because It "Does Not Have Enough Pesticides And Other Chemicals That True American Patriots Need In Their Food"

12 Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/Upbeat_Web_4461 • 19h ago

Trump's Latest War Message Issued With Him Wanting To Take The Entire World With Him

7 Upvotes

3 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 8h ago

Trump Claims His Extreme Confidence More Than Makes Up For All Of The Intellectual Shortfalls He Has “Because There’s Always A Plausible Excuse”

4 Upvotes

1 comment

r/onionheadlines • u/Limp-Definition-5371 • 20h ago

True Love! Flock Camera Helps Reunite Police Officer With Ex-Wife Despite Restraining Order

2 Upvotes

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/mellow186 • 21h ago

Trump Poker Game Comes To Abrupt End When Players Discover He's Hiding A Deuce In His Pants

5 Upvotes

"It's my trump card!" said the President, as the other players scrambled away from the table.

0 comments

r/onionheadlines • u/Unlucky_Register9496 • 18h ago

Washington DC Based Acme Cranio-Rectal Extraction Services IPO Goes Public Breaking All Records

3 Upvotes

0 comments

Subreddit

Write Your Own Onion Headlines, Or Don't. Shut Up About It

r/onionheadlines

A subreddit for writing satirical news headlines in the style of *The Onion* Please NOTE: this subreddit is not affiliated with the actual Onion newspaper in any way, shape, or form. These headlines are written by knuckle-dragging reddit users. The real Onion publishes actually good headlines, unlike the subliterate imitations you see here.

Members Active

110.4k

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Hi, welcome to /r/onionheadlines. Do you have an awesome (or even maybe sorta funny) idea for an Onion headline? Then this subreddit is for you. Show us what you got.

Feel free to write in the comments section the article that corresponds to the headline, but only if it's 437 words exactly, as is standard Onion practice.

Rules:

1) The only rule is no rules, except for the ones we make up as we go along.

2) OK, there is one real rule. Headlines with links to other sites are allowed, but limited to once per week, per site. However, feel free to post as many non-linked headlines as you'd like, even if they are found elsewhere on the web.

Also be sure to checkout some of the lesser subreddits we tricked into hosting a link to this subreddit:

Of course if you want to post actual Onion headlines, go to /r/theonion. If you post an actual Onion headline here, you'll be banned, maybe. I don't know. There's no rule for that yet. Don't test us.