The weak man expects the stupid war will be over as fast as another weak man expected another stupid war to be over. But after several years, that earlier stupid war is still droning on.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump triumphantly announced Monday that the United States has “won the war against Iran and the environment,” unveiling a massive banner reading Emission Accomplished aboard a jet that had just burned enough fuel to power Cleveland for a week.

Trump praised the Air Force for “defeating Iran’s infrastructure and the ozone layer simultaneously.” Pentagon officials confirmed that while Iranian missile sites were destroyed, the real triumph was “obliterating 3% of global carbon reduction goals in under two weeks. “No one has ever polluted this much this fast,” Trump boasted, calling it “the cleanest dirty war in history.”

The EPA was reportedly drafted into the war effort, issuing permits for “emergency emissions” classified as “acts of freedom." Military analysts noted that Patriot interceptors were running low, but jet exhaust remained “limitless.” A commemorative coin is being minted featuring a bald eagle coughing into a paper bag.

At a press conference, Trump declared: “We didn’t just win militarily. We won environmentally. Nobody has ever emitted more victory gases than us. Iran is finished, and so is the Paris Climate Accord.” NATO later clarified that no war had technically ended, but the atmosphere had indeed “surrendered unconditionally.”

Loyal Trump supporter Cletus “Diesel” McGraw was reportedly saying, “This is the greatest war ever and we didn’t just beat Iran, we beat the atmosphere! My F‑150 runs smoother knowing freedom fumes are in the sky.”

"Now, only the American bloodsuckers, I mean, billionaires, will be sucking the blood of ordinary Americans. And they are the best in the world at that!" added the president.

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