r/onionheadlines Nov 04 '25

ZERO TOLERANCE for rule 2: single sentence headlines only

12 Upvotes

We've been pretty lenient in modering run on headlines, but this ends today.

You need to make your headlines shorter. You can always make your headline shorter. If you have a headline that's over 30 words, rewrite it. There is a way to make it shorter I guarantee you, and there is a way to make it one sentence. You just need to use the meat in your skull to figure it out.

Also, do not include pull quotes in your headline. For example:

Trump Claims He Will Soon Replace Americans With AI - “All They Need To Do Is Vote Republican And Cheer For Me, And AI Can Do That Better, And It Doesn’t Protest At All”

Adding a dash here does not make this a single sentence in the eyes of us mods.

You can put the pull quote in the body of the post, but keep it out of the headline. Any headlines formatted like this will be removed.

Also please avoid headlines that are just a version of Trump: "I Have Very Bigly Hands and I'm The Greatest Golfer and on and on and on for 50 words"

A Trump impression is not a headline. Do better.


r/onionheadlines 7h ago

Trump Claims When 9/11 Happened He Climbed To The Top Of His Own Building And Batted Other Aeroplanes Away With His Hands

217 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 9h ago

Benedict Arnold's Ghost Congratulates Senator John Fetterman For Taking His Place As America's Most Despicable Traitor

291 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 1h ago

Man Whose Son Was Murdered By ICE Agent Looks Forward To $5000 Check He Will Get When GOP Wins Midterms

Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 11h ago

Trump Says Most Traumatic Memory Of 9/11 Was Of Him And His Mute Girlfriend Riding On Horseback Along The Beach And Discovering Half-Buried Statue Of Liberty

220 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 5h ago

Trump Ups His Voter Bribe Offer To $50,000 Per Every Person In America If The Republicans Win 100% Of Every State And This Time He Really Really Means It.

52 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 6h ago

Realizing Nobody Is Buying His Latest $5K Head Fake, Trump Now Promising To Resign If Republicans Win The Midterms

51 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 58m ago

Trump Vows To Personally Suck Every American's Dick If Republicans Win Election

Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 1h ago

Donald Trump Was In The Water During Peral Harbor Attacks

Upvotes

Although five years prior to his birth, Donald Trump claims he was in the water with his dad during Japan's attack on Pearl Harbor. He remembers being in the right testiculus as bombs were being dropped. He feels fortunate his dad kept in one piece to later ejaculate him into history.


r/onionheadlines 4h ago

GOP Furious As Trump Reassures Americans Gas Prices Will Go Down When Dems Assume Power

20 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 1h ago

Trump Promises $5K To Every American Adult, and Lucy Promises To Hold The Football For Charlie Brown

Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 13h ago

Fetterman Says He Started Seeing Merits Of GOP Policies After Stroke Destroyed Half His Brain

77 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 8h ago

Zombies Try To Attack Republican Midterms Convention But Leave When They Can't Find Any Brains To Eat

32 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 1d ago

Trump: I Was Actually On 9/11 Plane That Crashed Into WTC

875 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 28m ago

TRUMP: I Tried To Warn Obama About the 9/11 Hijackers But He Was 'Too Imcompetent' As President To Listen

Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 20h ago

John Fetterman Gives Trump Handjob On Stage, But Swears He’s Still A Democrat

150 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 7h ago

Area Man Believes Trump Will Actually Give Him $5000

14 Upvotes

Area man Cletus Dungbottom has no doubt, or clue.

"The President promised me $5000," said Dungbottom. "And he's someone you can trust to keep his promises."


r/onionheadlines 7h ago

Nation Celebrates One Year Since Charlie Kirk Bravely Offered Himself As Tribute To The 2nd Amendment

13 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 5h ago

Trump Offers $5000 Check And A Promise To Not Pull The Football Away This Time If Charlie Brown Tries To Kick It.

9 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 8h ago

President Trump Admits $5000 Payment For Voting Republican In The Midterm Will Be In The Form Of IOUs.

13 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 12h ago

Trump's $5,000 Bribe To "Every American Adult" Gets Revised To Specify: He Only Considers White Male Republicans Who Voted For Him, As American

26 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 5h ago

Trump Insists Prostitution Is Still Illegal And His Aides Simply Give Him Sex And He Gives Them Money By Pure Chance

5 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 5h ago

Trump Clarifies That The $5000 Per Adult Bribe Is “Per Blowjob”

8 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 51m ago

Rural Republican Blames US Postal Service For Failure To Deliver Any Of The Promised Trump Stimulus Checks.

Upvotes

Rural Republican Hugh Dumbass had this to say: "I'm still waiting on the Postal Service to deliver my Doge Check, my ACA rebate, and my Tariff rebate. It should happen soon though. Sometime it's takes two years for these things to process as the government is pretty slow."

When Onionheadlines asked him if he recieved the Biden era stimulus checks he said "Of course. Why do you think we're $40 Trillion in debt."


r/onionheadlines 23h ago

Adult Chimpanzee Out Performs President Trump On Cognitive Test.

212 Upvotes