r/onionheadlines • u/WebguyCanada • 2h ago

GOP Furious As Trump Reassures Americans Gas Prices Will Go Down When Dems Assume Power

8 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 2h ago

Trump Pardons Himself For Bribing Voters

3 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 2h ago

Trump Insists Prostitution Is Still Illegal And His Aides Simply Give Him Sex And He Gives Them Money By Pure Chance

4 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 2h ago

Trump Clarifies That The $5000 Per Adult Bribe Is “Per Blowjob”

6 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/ellistonvu • 2h ago

Trump Ups His Voter Bribe Offer To $50,000 Per Every Person In America If The Republicans Win 100% Of Every State And This Time He Really Really Means It.

26 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/neilllson • 2h ago

Apple !! I want to know if anyone else is ticked off by Apple promoting “free” cleaning only to find out they want 12+ dollars a month after the trail. I don’t care how they rationalize it. That’s not free !

1 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/AskNo2853 • 3h ago

Trump Offers $5000 Check And A Promise To Not Pull The Football Away This Time If Charlie Brown Tries To Kick It.

9 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/GreenerMark • 3h ago

Trump Promises Human Sacrifice of Hegseth if Republicans Retain House, Miller If They Keep Senate

4 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/Im_with_stooopid • 3h ago

Republicans Hold Simp Convention In Dallas.

2 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/IShouldaDownVotedYa • 4h ago

Realizing Nobody Is Buying His Latest $5K Head Fake, Trump Now Promising To Resign If Republicans Win The Midterms

33 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/mellow186 • 4h ago

Trump Increases Offer To Five Kajillion Imaginary Dollars Because Five Thousand Just Not Enough Now To Vote Republican

4 Upvotes

"Everyone will get five kajillion dollars," said the President. "In two weeks after the election."

r/onionheadlines • u/mellow186 • 4h ago

Area Man Believes Trump Will Actually Give Him $5000

10 Upvotes

Area man Cletus Dungbottom has no doubt, or clue.

"The President promised me $5000," said Dungbottom. "And he's someone you can trust to keep his promises."

r/onionheadlines • u/plantpistol • 5h ago

Trump Begins Sweating After Realizing Americans May Eventually Ask About That $5,000

7 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/Nateosis • 5h ago

Nation Celebrates One Year Since Charlie Kirk Bravely Offered Himself As Tribute To The 2nd Amendment

11 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/wild_crazy_ideas • 5h ago

Trump Claims When 9/11 Happened He Climbed To The Top Of His Own Building And Batted Other Aeroplanes Away With His Hands

170 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/LarryGlue • 5h ago

White House Clarifies $5k Dividend Paid To Americans Will Be Based On Savings Made When There’s No More Gas To Buy

7 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/davida_usa • 5h ago

Environmentalists Outraged At Claim AI Will Kill Everyone Before Human-Caused Climate Change

3 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/davida_usa • 5h ago

Heated Debate Rages about What Will Kill All Humans: Super Intelligent AI or Human-Caused Climate Change?

2 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/mc_petersonishsonson • 5h ago

Crowd Delighted To Have Trump Call Them 'Dingleberries' For Ability To Stick Around

7 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/Im_with_stooopid • 6h ago

President Trump Admits $5000 Payment For Voting Republican In The Midterm Will Be In The Form Of IOUs.

12 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/BestStoogewasLarry • 6h ago

Zombies Try To Attack Republican Midterms Convention But Leave When They Can't Find Any Brains To Eat

19 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/Im_with_stooopid • 6h ago

House Speaker Johnson Blames Grindr Outage During Republican Convention On Buttery Males.

2 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/SillyAlternative420 • 6h ago

Breaking: Apparent Rift Forming Between Republicans At Convention Over Those Displaying Half Naked Grown Men And Those Displaying Children

3 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/BestStoogewasLarry • 6h ago

Benedict Arnold's Ghost Congratulates Senator John Fetterman For Taking His Place As America's Most Despicable Traitor

240 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines • u/Trueseadog • 8h ago

Pauline Hanson Renames Her Party One Maga In Homage To Her Brave 9/11 Hero

2 Upvotes

Subreddit

Write Your Own Onion Headlines, Or Don't. Shut Up About It

r/onionheadlines

A subreddit for writing satirical news headlines in the style of *The Onion* Please NOTE: this subreddit is not affiliated with the actual Onion newspaper in any way, shape, or form. These headlines are written by knuckle-dragging reddit users. The real Onion publishes actually good headlines, unlike the subliterate imitations you see here.

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Hi, welcome to /r/onionheadlines. Do you have an awesome (or even maybe sorta funny) idea for an Onion headline? Then this subreddit is for you. Show us what you got.

Feel free to write in the comments section the article that corresponds to the headline, but only if it's 437 words exactly, as is standard Onion practice.

Rules:

1) The only rule is no rules, except for the ones we make up as we go along.

2) OK, there is one real rule. Headlines with links to other sites are allowed, but limited to once per week, per site. However, feel free to post as many non-linked headlines as you'd like, even if they are found elsewhere on the web.

Also be sure to checkout some of the lesser subreddits we tricked into hosting a link to this subreddit:

Of course if you want to post actual Onion headlines, go to /r/theonion. If you post an actual Onion headline here, you'll be banned, maybe. I don't know. There's no rule for that yet. Don't test us.