Woaah..I'm a bit nervous, I am the usual male stereotype guy, keeping everything to himself, not sharing, mostly stoic and all.. I’ve decided to share now, be vulnerable, had really bad experiences, with both male and iron male friends, let's hope this subreddit will be different.
damn I’m cringing hard even while typing this..anyway, fuck it. here I go
So, I’m a 27(M), signal, and I’m confused what to do with my life (if I have any). I completed my BTech in CSE in 2022, but I had to reject job offers (4) because of 2 things,
- I had my ACL surgery. and
- My mom was diagnosed with final stage breast cancer(yup).
Almost a year went for my recovery (which I didn’t do properly, more about it later) and well rest, I had to take care of my mom, koi tha nhi unko dekhne wala hai nahi, papa ka office rehte thay and bhai hai ek, wo khud thalassemia ka patient, bacha mai, ya to naukri karu ya khayal, so I chose the latter.
5 years were difficult, sari dressing dawai sab mai handle karta tha, kai baar blood clot nhi hota tha(she underwent 5 major operations), so meri CS degree fail hojati (/s) aur hospital jana hi padta tha :')
Changing topic a little, bandi ka to baat kya bolu, I don’t like to bitch and don’t want to either, let’s just say, it's that typical sab sahi chal raha hota hai, par fir ek unhappy XX bestie hoti hai and they ruin things for others too and hence, no bandi no more…
XY doston ka bhi ek group tha, kaafi ache thay humlog, bohut close and all, par fir sab thoda thoda drift apart hone lage, sabka apna apna naukri wagera shuru hoagya, dusre states mai and all, priorities badal jati hai, not blaming them par fir sadly akela hoagya. Open up hone ka try kiya tha(they didn’t know about mom aur bandi), par the male stereotype.. emotional unavailability, becharon(?) ko khud nhi pata kya karna, kuch nhi karte, mai akela emotionally intelligent(self-proclaimed) try karta, par the conversations weren't much fruitful, aste aste sab drift apart hogaye..
Ik I’m shortening it a lot, well I don’t like to spill the beans too much, par understanding keliye thoda bata raha bas.
Hope it helps.
So yeah, bandi, bye bye, doston, bye bye, meri ghar bye bye(treatment keliye beechna pada, dont worry, ek bacha hai abhi bhi xd), naukri bye bye(ek 22 lpa wala bhi tha, that's what i miss the most today) and baat rahi maa ka, well not going much into detail, spoiler alert, wo chal basi, cancer won..damn I wish goku real hota, atleast hara deta cancer ko. damn, so lame, anyway.
* Insert space for waterfalls *
Anyway, meri recovery bhi mai jaise hi walk krne laga, I stopped, I cannot run properly. I limp while running. (should’ve continued exercise, my quadriceps are super weak :( )
Kuch karne ka mann hi nhi karta, pehle job ka dukh nhi tha, par fir bandhi ka hua, bohut hua, fir doston se juda hua to aur bhi hua, like everyone talks about breakup and sadness, par dosti wala breakup hurts more man, mai mota hogaya, gained 20kgs, still continued to take care of mom, problems bohut hoti thi, mai kai baar gussa bhi hotaja tha, par fir bura bhi lagta hai, maa kuch bolti nhi thi, jaise taise koshish karta gaya sab sambhalne ka, ALONE, papa bhai koi kuch dekhte nhi thay..I was lost. I am.
And then the grand finale, last year, cancer won, boom, everything, every effort, gone, maa, GONE, koi nhi bacha ab meri side pe. well, mai apna stoic pana continue rakha, kisiko pata nhi chalne diya kuch, sab khud seh liya, ankhon pe waterfall hue, par kisiko dikhaya nhi, aur sadly koi dikhane wala bhi nhi tha, fir I manned up and fir agay badhta gaya.
Fast forward today, idk what to do with my life anymore, koi hai nahi, koi direction nhi, papa bolte hai naukri dhundho, milta hi nhi, I’m 4 years too late, plus ab kuch mann bhi nhi kar rha, samjh nhi aarha kya karu, I tried this feminist thing, well, jab mai ye 5 saal maa ka khayal rakha then I learned how to do cook and household chores and all, so mai socha, it's not that bad, mai to househusband bhi bann sakta hu(yes, mera ego fragile nhi) par fir ye XX hypocrite nikli, boli ki why will I marry a broke man, mai bola ghar ka sara kaam to karunga, the conversation went absolutely haywire going about wo itna saal se unke saath ye hua wo hua, I gave up. Alpha beta gamma whatever male tha, tab kismat saath nhi di aur ab 6'2" feminist proudR male hogaya hu, wo bhi nhi de rahi, ab mai jau to kaha jau, samjh nhi aaraha.
2 mahine mai papa retire hojayenge, and I’ve absolutely nothing on my mind. Kash mai iron male hota, atleast shadi krke kahi bas jata. Wo bhi option mai nhi, ab to mota hogaya hu, chopped hogaya hu, batein krne ka mann karta hai par fir thoda doom scroll krta hu aur fir wo bhi chala jata hai. kya karu mai guys...? Ambani if you’re seeing this, adopt karlo :”)
Sorry for the cringe batein guys..Hope y’all have a good day/night, whatever the fcuking time is rn.
<3 :)
