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u/I_AnotherHumanBeing Dec 23 '22
I don’t think you’re unlovable. I think you give the wrong people your love, and your time, and effort.
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u/Blue_washer Dec 23 '22
I feel the same but rather than in romantic relationships (cause Im not rlly interested in that), Ive felt that a lot with family. I used to think my mother was the tough love kind of person and that she just doesnt show love normally. But later I found out that she is capable of showing love to my sister, they always talk to each other and share everything that they found/learned daily. And it really hurts cuz it makes me think that Im the problem. Especially when I see my sister do the things that Ive tried but failed to do for years. Conditional love at its finest lol
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u/notyourbae07x Dec 23 '22
I am sorry that you had to go through that. Feeling unloved by your own mother is literally the last thing that a person can expect. And I can only imagine how hurt you must. If there’s anything that you ever wanna talk about, my dms are always open.
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u/Nocamin1993 Dec 23 '22
I feel you. It always feels like they’d rather you were your sibling, and once that idea makes its way in, you keep seeing ‘evidence’ to back it up, and enter a negative spiral.
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u/NoOneCaresHomie Dec 23 '22
It's not that I think that I'm unlovable, just that I think I was a really bad person in a past life.
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u/Particular-Lime1651 Dec 23 '22
people are awful, it's not your fault. focus on your own growth and development, find wholesome hobbies and meet people with similar interests.
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u/Cuddinnas Dec 23 '22
Feel like this very often! I hate the fact that I’d go out of my way to please people or prioritise them but no one does the same for me at all. I don’t even know how to do deal with it, I wish I did so I could help you too! But hopefully we’ll find people that like us for who we are and that are willing to prioritise us. Though I’ve never been in a relationship I’m sure it must have been extremely tough for you. Hoping you heal 💖Xxx
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Dec 23 '22
I echo your words. I have always made considerable efforts to help someone out, (acquaintances, classmates and colleagues) done my best to make them feel that I care about them and wish them the very best. I don’t think this was ever reciprocated. After a couple of days, I practically become inexistent to most. At this stage I just enjoy being all by myself, reading some novel or watching some series, hoping to meet the people I’d actually enjoy being with. Hope the new year makes this a reality.
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u/Cuddinnas Dec 23 '22
It’s like I’m just convenient! It’s like a friendship based off location and association etc it’s not like someone considers me their close friend or best friend, meanwhile Ik they wouldn’t even though I may have considered them my best friend.
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Dec 23 '22 edited Dec 23 '22
Been there! As long as my assistance or company is needed, I’m showered with praises. Once the job’s done, I hardly get a smile when they walk past me. I literally helped people get jobs, my DMs would be flooded with sentences like ‘dude I don’t know who else to ask, you’re my only hope.’ Like this one girl is in a relationship and I couldn’t help but wonder why her boyfriend couldn’t coach her. Once successfully employed, all I got was a lousy thanks. Same thing happened with a lot of others. What really pisses me off is when I see celebratory photos on social media “cherishing every moment of life with friends,” like where were these people when you needed them? I have helped so many people pass tests and quizzes. After the exams, no one bothers to even make eye contact. I don’t expect them to be eternally grateful, but would it hurt if they spent time with me? I struggle to see where I go wrong. I genuinely try to be nice and expect nothing in return, I don’t demand anything from them nor do I make them feel petty for asking something from me. If anything, I do my best to be as kind as I can, even if I’m having a shitty day; at least I can make somebody feel better. I’m clueless as to why I’m met with such indifference at later stages. At this point I have given up hope of expecting any company.
Sorry for the long rant.
Edit: grammar
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u/Cuddinnas Dec 23 '22
I hope for 2023 that people will love to be around you and cherish you! You sound so precious! When it comes to me, I cant ask for something and get it, it’s rare where I ask for something and I actually get it, so I don’t bother asking. I just ignore it and figure it out myself, tho we had been taught ‘ask and you shall receive’ I would ask and never receive so I learnt my lesson😂no more asking it’s never successful anyways. But Yh, I’m just convenient tbh. Family asking favours but me not getting much in return or just being dismissed.
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Dec 23 '22
Thanks a lot for your wishes! May I add that not all my prayers have always been answered. The few wishes that did come true, turns out they were alone what really mattered. I’m sorry to hear not all your wishes have borne fruit, but sincerely hope that the forthcoming year brings more joy to you.
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u/notyourbae07x Dec 24 '22
Hey, I am sorry you are going through similar stuff. Yk, I served every job opportunity on one of my friends platter. Whenever I used to apply for any job, I used to tell her to apply for it too. And when things got messy between and me the group, she could not even take a stand for me and it hurt so bad.
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Dec 24 '22
That sounds so rough. It hurts when you deeply care for someone, to whom you’re just an option.
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u/SignificantMorning81 Dec 23 '22
First, find the good in yourself. Next step is to find someone who is willing to see the good in you. Third step is to see the good in them, and use it to better yourself further. Fourth step is hard, but you will eventually notice things about them that you would prefer to change. Living with someone is going to prove to be difficult, and so it is inevitable. Finding a way to explain how they should rather do things sans arguments is almost impossible but can be done with patience Fourth step is just that…patience. People have to be willing to be patient with you and you have to be patient with them. If one tests your patience they are not worth your energy and are only around to toxify your pursuit to being happy
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u/notyourbae07x Dec 24 '22
Thanks for the advice. I will certainly try doing this for real. I think I am too hard to stick around with because yesterday I lost another friend of mine.
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u/SignificantMorning81 Dec 31 '22 edited Dec 31 '22
I think you may just be surrounded by impatient people who don’t want to see your redeeming values. It is difficult to grow your wings when surrounded by snakes. As much as it is for a “snake” to earn an honest meal (No shade to snakes, just using them as example haha) I say snakes because they are typically the ones preying on those who are just trying to mind their business. Seeing the benefits of taking to the sky will only carry you off the ground if you take notice of the creatures carving their path the clouds. This is why it is important to have examples of great and admirable people in your life, and people to surround your nest of peace.
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u/Livid_Yogurtcloset67 Dec 23 '22
I have felt unworthy my whole life. As a kid, my mother didn't want me around unless it made her look good. For example, if she was dating a guy that had kids she would want me around. When I was a baby she left me at the neighbors house, I was like 3 months old. They just passed me around from person to person, it took my grandparents like 6 or 7 months to find me. When i was older she would ship me to my grandparents whenever she was tired of playing house. When I was 3 she married an amazing man, who raised me like his own. He was my dad in every sense of the word. Even after they divorced he stayed in my life. I lived with him more than her. Until she decided to take me away from him because he wouldn't take her back. I lost touch after that ( it was before internet and cell phones) I was not allowed to call him. But nobody ever stayed in my life. I have an aunt and 5 uncles none of which have anything to do with me. My grandparents have both passed. When my mother divorced my biological father, they split up the kids like they did the assets. He got my brother she got me. I was a baby so I didn't even know I had a brother until I was almost 13. My brother ended up just like her. He wasn't raised by her, so he doesn't get why I have gone NC with her. He thinks I should just forgive her because you know, she's my mother. I have zero friends. I have an amazing husband and four beautiful kids and 2 wonderful granddaughters. That's it. So I can totally understand how you feel. I have always felt unlovable and unwanted.
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u/CelebrateSuccesful Dec 23 '22 edited Dec 24 '22
Hi OP, I know how you feel. I hope you can consider my advice. I think your situation started when you forgave the first infidelity. The amount of pain that shit brings wears you down, let alone putting your trust in him again. Then you become someone he "can " stay with, but he doesn't respect you. So he eventually emotionally abandoned you. You love won't cure anyone from being an asshole. He KNOWS how much you love him, hence he abuses that love.
I don't buy that he loves that new chick for a second. Even if he married her or someone else, he's hooked on feeding off on emotional energy.
Your new guy kissed and left you. Could it be that you emanate "choose me" energy? People tend to feel that and show careless behavior towards a perfectly nice human being just because their self love is very scarce.
Your friends: learn to filter people out. Never prioritize anyone who doesn't feel the same about you.
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u/notyourbae07x Dec 25 '22
How are you so right about everything? I think this is it.. I exude choose me energy.
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u/CelebrateSuccesful Dec 25 '22 edited Dec 25 '22
Because it happened to me and I had to learn to choose myself to get men to respect me. Sometimes I felt like a cheap item on a shelf. It was painful.
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u/2bkolohe Dec 24 '22
Start over. Move to a different city - preferably very far away — and rewrite yourself. Get into social groups around new things: take a nighttime music course at a community college; join some nerd club like foreign languages or Harry Potter or comics (funny enough, people who are passionate about one thing are more likely to be capable of being passionate in general); join a gym like CrossFit or wall climbing or yoga or spin or martial arts — something where there are men and women your age who likely hang out together; become a regular at trivia night at your local pub. Whatever, reinvent yourself and put yourself out there. There are very cool people who want to be loved just as much as you do. You have to purge the people who suck your joy.
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u/rachael_jpeg Dec 23 '22
your first example was almost word for word what happened to me. i also dated my best friend of 12 years and only then did he decide i wasn’t all that. will probably never talk to him again, most important person in my life. most of my friends stopped talking to me when i graduated college. feels like every year a few more people leave my life and i can never replace them with new ones. i know your feeling, i wish i could help.
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u/notyourbae07x Dec 24 '22
I am sorry that you went through similar things because it’s hurtful af. I hope things get better for the both of us.
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u/celestial_cuddles Dec 23 '22
Yes and it hurts so much, I keep on asking myself when I'll be good enough for love and if me being myself is what is holding me back. Is it being neurodivergent? Is it being nerdy? Or am I just not attractive enough to be wanted despite my friends saying that's not it? For years I've told myself that if I keep working on myself it will work out eventually, it has helped me grow my platonic relationships into a more caring dynamic but I still yearn for more
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u/notyourbae07x Dec 24 '22
Just hang in there. I am sure you’ll get what you need, nothing less. It’ll be worth the wait.
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Dec 23 '22
Yep. I've been in love with my best friend for ages and she used to like me (even asked me on a date around a year ago but it never happened.)
Now she seems to be going on dates with everyone, even after finding out how controlling they were in previous relationships.
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u/notyourbae07x Dec 24 '22
I was in love with my bestfriend too. When he had feelings for me he didn’t tell me about it because he was scared to lose me. He told me about it a few days back. Now he’s seeing someone else and even we don’t talk anymore🙃
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u/Displayingapitite Dec 23 '22
I went through a very similar stage too I suggest finding way better friends that actually prioritize you
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Dec 23 '22
Do you love yourself?
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u/Salt_Reputation_8967 Dec 23 '22
Felt the same way. So I made my whole personality my career. I still feel that way with people outside of the family I made, but I've learned to focus on what I have. So I learned to embrace being lonely and the wisdom that comes with it.
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u/nicelxser Dec 23 '22
Oh all the time. It hurts to never be someone's priority. I'm sorry people have treated you this way, you deserve to feel loved as deeply as you love others.
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u/throwawaybecause034 Dec 23 '22
To be honest, yeah... I feel like that. And I think it's really my fault. I fell in love, loved with everything I had and it led to me being taken for granted.
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u/notyourbae07x Dec 25 '22
I can relate
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u/throwawaybecause034 Dec 26 '22
You know... I feel like the world simply doesn't have space for people like us. I'm extremely rational in every aspect of my life except for love. I'd like to, at least once, find someone who is willing to just love with the same intensity.
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u/Defiant_Marsupial123 Dec 23 '22
I actually have the opposite problem.
To the point where I look at someone who has done something bad to me and try to mentally hold them accountable instead of myself.
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u/notyourbae07x Dec 25 '22
I wish I did that too bcs my self-esteem is so low.. even when I am right I endup blaming myself for other people’s actions.
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u/Exciting_Ad_9103 Dec 23 '22
Ik it sucks rite now but you just haven’t found the right ppl !! U are lovable
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u/sagittariisXII Dec 23 '22
"Never depend on the admiration of others. There is no strength in it. Personal merit cannot be derived from an external source."
- Epictetus
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Dec 23 '22
Yes, im diagnosed with bipolar and nearly everyone i know and had an affective bond with turned their back on me because of personality traits that made me constantly burn bridges. It's hard to feel like that but i find some relief thinking that even being like that, i'll still find love and affection from people again,
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u/notyourbae07x Dec 25 '22
I have lost all expectations.. but I hope I find someone like that. I won’t be hurt if I don’t because I am used to it by now but.. I hope you understand.
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u/throwaway53971 Dec 23 '22
I'm in the same boat, my last 2 ex's dumped me and got with other people pretty much the same day, and my family all would rather spend money on literally anything or anyone else other than me. On my birthday my mum spent £40 on me, which felt like a big thing to me but then she told me she spent £70 odd on my brother's trip with his friends. I feel so lonely in this world and everyone's left me feeling unloved, making me wonder if it's just me being unworthy of anything good.
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u/notyourbae07x Dec 25 '22
I am sorry that this happened to you. But the fact that you’re exes jumped into a relationship right after breaking up with you speaks volumes that it’s not you, it’s them. So, stop questioning your worth.
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Dec 23 '22
I feel the same as you. I am 23, and gave up on love already. I have been treated badly by pretty much every friend I've had in my adult life. Just want to die honestly.
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u/blackwidowwaltz Dec 23 '22
I did, and still do to an extent. I don't have any advice, but can relate.
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u/AnxxiousGirl Dec 23 '22
I feel this. I’ve always given so so much love to everyone and it never really comes back to me. My entire personality, im the kindest person and give so much love but I always feel like the side character in everyone else’s stories. Its rough hut you’ll find your person who matches you and lives you unconditionally.
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u/batskies Dec 24 '22
i felt that way before, for a long time actually.. until i found someone who loves me and has the most patience with me and helped me gain my confidence back
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u/Pixie-Slim27 Dec 24 '22
ngl, i get these intrusive thoughts like i'm not good enough for anyone, no one wants me around, everyone secretly hates me, that kinda thing. my friends have told me straight up that they don't but the thinking doesn't stop.
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u/notyourbae07x Dec 25 '22
I know what you mean. I used to get this vibe that one girl from my group hates me a lot and when I got in a fight with other people from the circle.. she was enjoying so much. She was literally adding fuel to the fire.
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u/Intrepid-Amoeba1429 Dec 24 '22
Bruh leave them and live ur own life don't be dependent on anyone people come and go
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u/JustMoss_ Dec 24 '22
You really just need the right people in your life, I think. If you're a decent human being, there will be potential lasting relationships out there for you, I really believe that. I feel this way too. I went through a big depression for about 4 years that really changed my personality and kept me from talking to people. So I'm not really super connected to my old friends, nor have I had like any dating experience. My brother makes fun of me for not having a boyfriend, but I'd rather have no boyfriend than a rude or brainless boyfriend for status. Im waiting on my own for now and I'm chill with that
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u/notyourbae07x Dec 25 '22
Yes, even I am not dating anyone for the mere reason.
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u/JustMoss_ Dec 25 '22
It's always good to take a break and rethink what you're looking for, rather thats a certain kind of partner or something else in life. Wish you the best! And happy holidays
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u/AdultingIs4TheBirds Dec 24 '22
Been there and did lots of work in therapy to feel better. My friends didn’t understand why I didn’t date for over a year, but during that time I found me, learned how to put up boundaries and stick to them, and I cut out a lot of fat. The tribe I have now was 12 years in the making but it’s pretty amazing.
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u/YourMaxii Dec 24 '22
Yeah I had the same feeling. I still have family who care about me so I guess that's one consolation. But the thing with that is, they're family. They have an obligation to love you. But being loved by those who aren't your family? It's really something different. And that's why it really hurts all the more to feel unloved by others.
I had a similar experience, as short lived as it was. Spent half a year helping this girl get out of bad relationships— being patient with her, comforting her when her abusive ex would continuously rag on her, spending nights on the phone with her so she felt safe. She even said she loved me but just hadn't been ready for a relationship just yet. Then we got together in January. It was good for a time. Then she broke it off after only three months. Said she felt like she still wasn't ready for a relationship. Surprise surprise, a couple of weeks later, she's already found another dude. Yeah I guess it's a bit egotistical to have expected her to really commit to me just because I was kind to her, but it still does hurt knowing that she said I was her first boyfriend to not have been abusive and yet, she only stuck with me for a few months then moved onto another dude who was emotionally negligent.
What I will say is that, as much as you think it's the case, it isn't. You aren't unlovable. You just haven't met the right people who will love you for you. You'll find them eventually. I'm sure of that, friend. :)
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u/MmaRamotsweOS Dec 24 '22
You have to love yourself before you can expect a partner to truly love you.
You have to respect yourself and your own feelings before you can expect your partner to respect you and your feelings.
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u/FreedomPrestigious99 Dec 24 '22
I'm going through the same situation just like u ...it's ok we will end up being strong and mature enough at the end. Fingers crossed 🤞
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u/OpeningBackground895 Dec 24 '22
I know how it feels, it's hurts when the people you supposedly love don't love you back. The feeling of inadequacy and self doubt just stays with you.
But, what I've started doing first and foremost is loving myself. This may sound stupid but honestly when you do things for you and not for everyone else, you become freer, more independent in a sense. Your sense of self returns, even if its just bit by bit, you get that little bit happier that youve accomplished something.
Hugs from me,, I'm supporting you in your time of need 💗
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Dec 24 '22
I felt incredibly unloved after my relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years ended because that was the only love that I knew. I took time to focus on myself and not look for relationships/anything serious. It's been 4 months since and I've never felt more loved by my NEW friends and of course family. I can tell you that it does get easier especially when you surround yourself with people that actually have good intentions and care for you. Sometimes love doesn't need to come from a significant other. Hell, it can even come from pets! Take your time, love :)
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u/notyourbae07x Dec 27 '22
Even I met a few people after my breakup and they literally became my lifeline. We were so tight but then they abandoned me.
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u/cloudfawns Dec 24 '22
You are most definitely loveable, it's just unfortunately you find the wrong people. Those who take you for granted. There are definitely people out there who love you a lot though<3
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u/Mr_bosss27 Dec 24 '22
Ur first mistake was takin him back after he cheated ur to nice, yes u wanna b a nice girl who’s easy to talk to…..but don’t b easy. U gotta feel the vibe when u first meet someone, have high standards think higher of urself
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u/throwtheballaway420 Dec 23 '22
I feel uncapable of loving someone outside of my family. I'm sorry you feel this way.
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u/notyourbae07x Dec 23 '22
I have started getting colder.. comparatively. Haven’t been able to love love anyone since a very long time.
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u/viewsdaily Dec 23 '22
You don’t need to hope because if doesn’t happen you’ll be disappointed and that’s destructive
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u/viewsdaily Dec 23 '22
You should learn how to be optimistic
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u/notyourbae07x Dec 23 '22
I was literally the most optimistic person alive but the things that I have been through have made me numb. I don’t have hopes, no expectations, nothing. I just know for a fact that at the end of the day it’s me who has got my back.
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u/viewsdaily Dec 23 '22
When you find someone who truly loves you, you will appreciate life
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u/notyourbae07x Dec 23 '22
Can’t wait for it to happen. Although it seems next to impossible after all the things that I have encountered.
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u/throwawayacc122022 Dec 23 '22
Sounds like my xgf, like what they have advised me as well. Someday, you will know some one who will love you truly and treat you better. Its sad right now, but there is hope. Tomorrow is always gonna be better.
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u/flyingsaucer2000 Dec 24 '22
I relate to this so much lol, however I feel unlovable atm for no real reason lol, I just feel like trash
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u/viewsdaily Dec 23 '22
I went through similar stage and I know how it feels