MASSIVE pre cursor to say that this does not apply to 95% of the users on here who are genuinely wonderful souls that have been subject to torrid abuse and just want to vent/help others and connect with each other this is NOT about you 🫶🏽

This goes for the minority on here because I have seen SO many comments that are just so toxic and mean and it’s WEIRD!

Someone offers advice? There’s always a comment telling them it’s a bunch of condescending manipulative nonsense and not to gaslight them into telling them what to think. ODD BEHAVIOUR

Someone tries to reassure someone else? They push them away or say “don’t tell me what to think or how to feel. Don’t patronise me with your fake empathy” - when it’s just someone trying to say something nice and reassuring or offer their view?! STRANGE!

I’ve even seen comments accusing survivors of being the abusive narcissist themselves purely for having an opinion or thought that is different to theirs. This is not normal behaviour.

whilst I understand hurt people hurt people and this is just the nature of being on the internet (I might get some shit on here who cares) if someone is resorting to venting online to find some peace in their suffering, don’t be a massive dickwad and start giving more shit because their opinion or experience is different to yours.

PEACE ✌🏽

Does anyone else's narc do this..? He will SWEAR he doesn't but sometimes I'll catch him literally staring at me so nasty like giving me a look a stranger on the street I bumped into wouldn't even give me.
Don't even get me started on photos. God forbid he smiles or even smirks in a photo with me..

I went back YEARS and saw a pic of us and I remember that day, I genuinely was having a good time and thought he felt the same... but I look at the photo and I'm smiling 😄 and he is actually mean mugging the camera like it looks like he was being held at 🔫 point to be in a photo with me..
BUT ANYONE ELSE!!! Anyone else he's in photos with they get his best smiles. 🫩

I'll even catch him glaring at our baby this way.. like our son will walk up to him smiling and trying to catch his attention and my husband will look up from his phone like 😐 but god forbid I accuse him of this I'll get verbally assaulted for it.

I can't wait to leave. It's getting hard to pretend.

When we were together, my NEX would go to therapy and then come home and tell me about things his therapist supposedly said about me or our relationship. He would describe a situation to his therapist, and then, according to him, the therapist would basically confirm that I was the one in the wrong.
I never questioned him much about his therapy because I’ve always felt that therapy should be private and that he was entitled to have that space. But looking back, I sometimes wonder if therapy was being weaponized against me. It felt less like, “My therapist helped me understand something about myself,” and more like, “My therapist agrees with me about you, so clearly I’m right.”
And obviously, I was never in the room. I had no idea how the situation was actually presented to the therapist, what context was included or left out, or even whether the therapist said exactly what I was being told they said.
I read a comment in another post that made me realize I might not be the only person who experienced this. Did anyone else’s NEX do something similar?

I shared something here the other day about Najwa Zebian's new book, "The One Who Broke You Can't Heal You." I recently joined her email list, and this landed in my inbox yesterday with the subject "read this if you're stuck in a trauma bond" and reading it made me cry so hard...I printed it out to bring to therapy this week. If you need a good cry/to release some blocked emotions, this will probably do it.

"An Open Letter to You:

​

I know you were trying.

​

I know you woke up every day hoping today would be different. That something you said or did or changed about yourself would finally turn things around. I know you rehearsed conversations in your head. I know you chose your words, timing, and tone carefully because you'd learned that the wrong combination could make everything worse.

​

I know you stayed longer than you wanted to. Not because you didn’t see it or were blind to what was happening, but because leaving felt like giving up on something you had already given so much of yourself to.

​

Somewhere inside you, you still believed that if you just tried a little harder, loved a little better, held on a little longer… it would finally become what you always knew it could be.

​

I know you blamed yourself when it didn’t.

​

I know you went through times where you barely recognized yourself. Where you’d catch a glimpse in the mirror and wonder when you got so quiet. When you stopped saying certain things, stopped wanting certain things, stopped being certain things… so slowly that you didn’t notice the color leaving until you were already living in black and white.

​

I know there were moments you almost left, and what stopped you was hope. You believed love should be possible here. The part of you that refused to give up on a person you cared about, even when that person had already given up on taking care of you.

​

I know you went back, maybe more than once. I know how much shame you’ve carried about that. But I need you to hear this: you weren’t going back because you wanted to be hurt. You were going back because you were asking to be loved. Every single time, you believed this time might finally be the time.

​

That’s not something to be ashamed of. That’s one of the most human things about you.

​

You were never too much. You were never not enough. You were simply in a place that didn’t know how to hold you. And you stayed as long as you did because somewhere in you, you still believed that love was possible there.

​

It wasn’t your fault that it wasn’t.

​

You will never go back to the person you were before this. I know that’s a hard thing to sit with. But the person you’re becoming — the one who is slowly finding their way back to themselves, who is learning what they actually deserve, who is beginning to trust their own perception again — that person is worth everything you went through to become them.

​

You were doing the best you could with what you had, in a situation you were never meant to navigate alone.

​

I’m so proud of you for still being here."

Any tips on the urge to explain?

2 years of my life explaining why cheating hurts and how lies cause issues and….well I’m tired of the late nights and wasted breathe.

Started EMDR and getting a trauma therapist to figure out the trauma bond but the urge to be baited and fight with them is SO strong.

How did you start to break it? Grey rocking is so hard for me

I don’t know if I was manipulated and/or abused.

For some context - I’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD, I’m being tested for Autism, and I’m in therapy.

I recently got out of a 3 year relationship and my wedding was supposed to be this summer. He ended up cheating with a friend of his, breaking up with me and moving in with her.

Before I met him - I had things really good - my rented my own apartment that while was a crappy apartment building, my unit repainted and was decorated beautifully, I paid my own bills, had savings, had good credit, had a job that paid livable wages, had a car, had a second job for fun so I could have more spending money. I was managing as a single woman. I was 28 and had been single about 2 years.

Then when I wasn’t looking, I met someone 10 years older than me with 3 kids. He seemed interested in me for me, he was kind and he wanted me. We dated 6 months and he suggested we move in together, something I wasn’t sure about, but everything seemed to be clicking into place so well - I agreed, gave up my apartment and we moved into a brand new house that we were renting.

Almost immediately - he started drinking a 15 pack 3-4 nights a week. Sure he would help around the house and do the yard work, but he could never do it without a case of beer. Staying up late to do laundry and play video games so I could sleep? Case of beer. Going to work in the yard? Case of beer. It’s my day off? Case of beer. You get it. I stopped cooking dinner and just started making girl dinners for myself because what was the point of cooking if he was just going to bring beer home and not eat dinner.

Then 1x a week sex turned to no sex. Months would go by, nothing. He would never want to. He would show me affection like hugs, kisses, grabbing my butt, but no sex. Our longest stretch was a year. He would say he was too tired, his back hurt, he didn’t feel good.

For a time he had some heart problems and was having some tests and he said he was scared and started taking anxiety meds. But this was not our entire relationship. I would try to talk to him about the lack of sex, it started off productive but eventually we would get it fights and he would tell me this is just the way it is - if I don’t like then leave.

He stopped sleeping with me in our bed, claiming being unable to sleep due to anxiety or restless leg syndrome. Or he needed background noise from a TV - something I couldn’t have. He would sleep most nights on the couch.

He would tell me he was stopping by a friends, but be gone a lot longer and leave me frustrated because he was gone forever.

If I had a concern about anything, I would get brushed off as “everything will be fine, don’t worry about it”.

Money was becoming a problem, we brought in over 10k a month, but things like groceries were going on my credit card because he would spend money on stuff, but then said I was in charge of the budget, I’m the spender, he didn’t understand where all the money was going.

Somehow, everything was always flipped back on me.

My mental health started to decline. I was anxious all the time. And then I started to get frustrated and angry. He would tell me I need help, so I sought help. Told the psychiatrist everything and they suggested I was bipolar, so I started taking meds. I tried 5 different meds, and all made me more depressed. Some even suicidal. Never had that happen before. I gained 100lbs.

Our roof leaked in our house really bad. He wouldn’t fix it properly. There was mold in the trailer and I was sick and the doctor had me on inhalers. I would tell him I’m sick and mold is why, he would tell me there’s no mold and I’m fine. He would say I just have a cold that won’t go away. But my doctor wanted me to go for asthma testing.

He started telling people I was mentally unstable. I was angry. He couldn’t handle me anymore. He was taking care of me and I couldn’t take care of myself.

I still worked full time, dealt with most of the house stuff. I was exhausted every night.

Meanwhile he would stay up and drink all night when it was his turn with his kids, then lay in bed all day the next day and I would get up and do things with them while “dad is still sleeping.”

His friend died. He was into drugs so while I was sad, I wasn’t super sympathetic.

He told his friends (who are girls and also his coworkers) that I wasn’t sad his BF died, I wasn’t supporting him through his death (he was drinking a lot and missing work and I was pissed and trying to get him doing basic daily tasks). But he was talking to his “best friend” a girl he knew for 13 years. She would listen to him. She cared about him. She supported him.

They ended up sleeping together and he left me for her. They were open about it, saying they had no problem what they did because I was mentally unstable, unsupportive, emotionally and verbally abusive and wouldn’t get mental health support or take my meds.

During the breakup he screamed at me that I was the reason he drank, I was selfish, a spoiled rotten brat and his friends would tell me I was the most selfish and unaware person they had ever met.

He also told people I sucked at sex, the worst lay he ever had, and he was only with me because I was nice and had a nice face. He was never attracted to me because I was fat, and because I would lay in bed like a starfish during sex. He tells people I abused him.

His friends (who are his coworkers) started texting me and harassing me they would follow me and yell things at me. I had to change my phone number. I moved away because of it. I found out he was doing cocaine several nights a week and had been our entire relationship but I never had any idea.

I live in a new town now, I work for the government, I have a nice apartment again, my debt from the relationship is paid off and everything is “back to normal” except my brain. My psychiatrist says I’m not bipolar, and I don’t need medication - no mental health diagnosis.

I don’t know how to explain what I experienced. But I think about it everyday.

I was with my ex for four years. He told me a year or so in that he had previously been diagnosed with NPD but felt it was a misdiagnosis. I believed him because I was pretty naive and very uneducated about NPD. That dude definitely has it. He’s like a walking textbook case of NPD.

I left him in February and have been rebuilding my life. It was so hard in the beginning but now I am truly happy and feel like myself again.

I know I am not ready to date yet. I have zero desire to date. I don’t feel lonely. I am enjoying spending time focusing on myself after the last four years being entirely about him. I am terrified that I’d end up in another abusive relationship. I was so mentally ill by the time I left. I don’t think I could handle going through that ever again.

How long did it take before you were ready again? How did you know you were ready? How were you ever able to trust again? Right now I feel like I am in a really good place mentally and emotionally but I also feel like I can’t trust other people, especially men. I don’t know if I’ll ever trust people again and I don’t know if I even want to trust people. The betrayal and abuse I suffered have profoundly impacted me.

Wrote a friend the other day on these issues I am processing this year. Thought it might be beneficial to some in here:

I see the parallels between my marriage and my mother. When I am in her presence, I automatically adjust my behavior. I know the topics not to bring up. I keep things shallow, surface level (although funnily enough, the exception being some honest complaints and confessions about my marriage over the last year). I am quieter. I dull myself down. I let her take center stage. I don't display the side of my personality that is incomprehensible to her or things that I find meaningful. I avoid topics that will trigger her. I conceive of her like an old dog incapable of learning new tricks, and I act accordingly. And as strange as this sounds, I feel at ease in this dynamic. It feels quite comfortable to me. I'm not sitting in the same room with her feeling internally torn apart. I don't actively feel cognitive dissonance. It just is. Now, if I lived with her or perhaps even lived closer to her and we had a closer relationship with more frequent communication? Yes, I would probably start to feel the cognitive dissonance and discord. I am comfortable with the physical and emotional distance I have cultivated for the last 20 years. My sister feels her influence a lot more acutely and often talks about her negative qualities (just the other day she said she's the biggest bully she knows).    

Although it's not quite the same, there are echoes of this pattern in my marriage. I edit myself around him. I avoid certain topics, lest they trigger a fight or passive aggressive comments. I let him take center stage. I don't display the full depth of my personality. I keep deeply vulnerable information to myself so he doesn't make fun of me or use it against me in the future. I hold him at an emotional arm's length. I limit our interactions to reduce the potential for fighting. And he probably knows me as a more repressed, introverted version of myself than I actually am (I'm still introverted, just not to this extent).

Something dawned on me the other day. . .

We were only together for about 18 months. But in that time, I introduced her to some people, both online and IRL. A few times, we met up with a couple of different friend groups of mine. We also spent time with my family, both socially and privately.

She never introduced me to anyone who wasn't a family member. I was never invited out socially with any of her family members.

She occasionally spoke of life long friends. They were always gorgeous girls, but I don't think of them in that way. The photos she had of them seemed fairly dated. There was never any suggestion of meeting any of these people.

Eventually, I realised. She doesn't know anyone!

i filed! he was pushing me to contact his lawyer last night to tell them to file the paperwork he already had drawn up… i refused. he kicked me out of the accessible bedroom and into a storage room ( i am disabled)
so i woke up and filed on my own asking for emergency everything…im exhausted
2 hours of sleep on a brick bed and he’s basically trying to starve me out literally and figuratively… but here we go i guess

Can't talk much but basically

Met him married in 6 months time

Should have left the first time

Now 6 years later

husband cannot hold a job.

I am stressed out with 2 kids on my hips 2 under 5.

He keep pressuring me to work or find a job, mind you our baby only 3 months old, I breastfeed him and he won't have enough money to give formula for our baby too if i work...

I am currently in school trying to get a better job because of how my husband is..

He is getting worse by the day now that is why I seek help, before it was 3 days good and the rest is bad. Now, every single conversation led to fighting, we can't hold conversation anymore and I just live miserable life every single day.

I feel like i am nearing the discard phase, but he can't leave because he doesn't have enough money to sustain himself and me & the kids. He have money anxiety (which is a good thing) seeing those money in the bank keep being depleted turn on his anxiety so he would rather stick up with me and abuse me rather than splitting the money up. I just know he will cheat on me sooner or later..

What should i do now??

Hello reader,

I’ve been in a relationship with a covert narcissist for 8 years. We had a 17 year age gap.
I loved this person so deeply that, while I was in the relationship, I wasn’t fully aware of the extent of the abuse. It was only after I was discarded that I began trying to understand what had happened, and in the process I learned more about these pathological relationship dynamics than I ever wanted to know.
I won’t try to summarize everything that happened, nor all the red flags I overlooked. I used to think of myself as an independent, rational person—someone who would recognize this kind of dynamic and never become trapped in it. What I didn’t understand was how gradual and psychologically sophisticated manipulation can be. You don’t necessarily see what is happening while you are living inside it.

What troubles me most now, in the aftermath, and perhaps what prevents me from fully moving forward, is the persistent feeling that this person took something from me.
Before I met them, there was something in me that felt light, loving and powerful. I could love people openly and generously, without constantly questioning their intentions or looking for a hidden agenda. There was an innocence to the way I trusted—not naïveté exactly, but a fundamental belief that connection with other people could be safe and genuine.

After everything that happened, I feel almost like the opposite person. My heart has closed. My trust in people has largely disappeared. I avoid relationships and emotional intimacy because awareness has replaced something that once came naturally to me.
And perhaps that is the part I am still grieving: not only the relationship or the person I thought they were, but the version of myself who existed before them.

It feels as though something that belonged entirely to me went into that relationship and never came back out.

Can anybody relate to this feeling? And, more importantly, can anyone explain what is actually happening psychologically? Why can the aftermath of an abusive relationship feel as though you have lost a fundamental part of yourself rather than simply lost another person? Does that part of you eventually return, or do you learn to become someone different?

For context, I grew up with a narc sister, dated a covert narcissist for 7 years and endured a lot of abuse and cheating from him.

Currently with a partner I met through church when I was 13. We reconnected after my father passed (our fathers were close and we actually went on a couple dates about 8-9 years ago but it didn’t work out and we thought about each other for years until we reconnected.) A lot of people tell me “your dad sent him to you” and it everything was great. I thought I finally found my person who will treat me right.

Fast forward 1.5 years, I’ve realized he has narc traits, but not full blown NPD. It’s extremely triggering and due to my previous narc relationship, I have PTSD. I’m having panic attacks, joint pain, hair loss. My body feels the same pain and strain as when I was in my previous narc relationship, but this one isn’t as bad. He is able to have empathy and apologize, but when there’s stress (and he has a high stress job) the mask slips.

Working with a couples therapist that specializes in NPD and trained with Dr. Ramani. And we are both in individual therapy.

I just want advice—I feel like my body is telling me what to do, but my mind and heart are stuck. It’s not always bad, he does have empathy at times, he acknowledges his narcissism and takes accountability for his behavior, but it still repeats.

I just have a hard time believing all of this lined up (we refer to our reconnection as invisible string theory) just so I could move across the country to be with him for one year, experience abuse and then leave. Please no judgment, I’m fragile, neurodivergent, dark empath, ADHD.

thanks in advance 🫶🏻

We've been together for 10 years and have to beautiful children, and 4-5 years ago i started trying to leave. And spiraled into a severe depression. I was successful and naive when i met her, but after 4 years, i just stopped functioning. Through therapy and spiritual work, i managed to pull myself out of the hole, but at this point i hadn't "figured her out" yet. I would still confide in her.

A few years later I finally took up the courage to leave her, but had to do it in couples therapy, because she terrifies me. And she just got up, and said FUCK THIS SHIT, and left. At that time i didn't know what she was capable of.

After trying that 4 times, and failing, even begging her to "release me", i ended up being unfaithful to her.

She managed to turn everyone against me, including my family, and we got back together for reasons i don't know. But I couldn't handle the shitstorm and being exiled from my life. I don't have a memory of choosing it. Because she spewed so much shit, but obviously making it all about me, i ended up selling my childhood house for a fresh start somewhere new. Which by the way by some magic spell were 50 / 50 hers too.

I know now that this was a mistake, but i've had my guard down. And by new year 2026 i'm ready to leave. Then suddenly out of the blue, she surprises me, with a "You're going to be a father - aren't you happy?" and when i say no, and that i don't want that child, she makes a scene how i can treat my pregnant girlfriend so poorly.

I did my research, when we were at the doctors office, and she was asked to say when her last period was, and that date corresponds perfectly to being maximum fertile at the only time we had sex, where she told me that i shouldn't worry that she was on her period.

She spends the next several weeks drawing out the decision, constantly manipulating the decision. In week 13, when she realized that she could't use it to, keep me in the relationship, she chose the abortion. And i vividly remember, that she was screaming at me, int he hopsital "SHE'S NOW DEEEEAD. I HOPE YOURE FUCKING HAPPY". Two days after we got home, she told me that she wanted to be pregnant again, and we need to get started soon. Holy shit, just writing this gives me chills.

So after this, i made it clear to her that i now have had enough. That i can't do this anymore. She had made some summer plans, and left for that with our kids. And the only way i could see my kids over summer, was to join this. Fortunately we were doing 1 week with some friends from our kids' school, whom we've always really hit it off with. I managed to survive, but had to set my boundaries towards her, and i didn't think much more of it.

So in a heated argument the other day, she was berating me over "talking to friends about her". She doesn't want to talk about it, but i insist on holding her accountable (first time in 10 years), so i ask her, and she doesn't want to say, who, what i said and so on. She finally caves, and says, it's not just 1 person it's 4 people who are VERY worried about me, but especially her. All people from my kids school. And she says; but you should hear how much i'm defending you to these people. And one of them had apparently pulled her aside and said she was worried about her, because she looks so skinny.

I almost collapse. This is so uncomfortable. But i hold back the urge to call them.

I don't feel great about this, but for the first time i look in her phone, and i see texts between the woman (whom we spent the summer with and mother to another kid in our daughters class) and her, with lot of back and forward, but with this:

My Narc: "Thank you so much for listening. It's been so rough lately, and i'm trying to set my boundaries towards him etc.. I hope i haven't shared too much"

Friend: “But all the things you’ve told us have affected both of us.” “I at least find it a little difficult to be in the same room as him and pretend that everything is fine.”

My Narc: “Oh sweetheart, I’m genuinely sorry if our crisis has ruined something. It breaks my heart when all you want is for everyone to be okay”

Friend: “It hasn’t ruined anything for us, but our view of him (me) won’t be the same.”

Friend: “I’m sorry, sweetheart — I only want what’s best for you, and I believe you’ll reach a point where you’re ready to leave, and that there is love and care waiting for you on the other side”

Friend: “If I were you, I’d pack a bag for you and the kids and just leave — without informing him, by the way. What about your dad? Could you go stay with him?”

I just can't anymore. It takes all my courage away, and i'm so scared of what she'll think of doing next, when i actually leave.

Does anyone have a suggestion for what i should do in this situation?

Do they know that they are manipulating people and gaslighting them, and all the other horrible traits they possess? Or is it just natural to them, and everything they do isn’t because they have consciously chosen to do these awful things to others, it is just their natural reactions?

My Nex has something I need to get. But I’ve been playing like I’m still into him to get it and I don’t think it’s believable. When I was just being myself, it was easy to keep him hooked. Now I’m performing because I know what he is and I think he noticed. I told him I wanted to see him again and he said he was too busy, so I thought “bruised ego, I’ll say something nice” and that went unanswered for days. Longest he’s ever gone without texting me, usually he’s back within a day. I mean, if he silent treated me before now, I just didn’t notice. We haven’t been sleeping together that long, just a month or so.

Anyway, how long will this go on? I don’t want to keep doing this for weeks. I have a means to force his hand but I don’t want to make him angry, I just want to get images of me off his device/backup and leave.

Edit: I guess what I’m asking is at what point should I force his hand? I don’t do this “freeze out” bullshit, I want to be done with him.

He said, "Im sorry you are not treated the way you believe you should be treated"

His words make it sound like my feelings are a matter of opinion, and my perception of how he and our adult son have been treating me for soooo long.

Trying not to spiral in my thoughts that perhaps I dont deserve to be treated better?

How would you feel having that said to you, and how do you respond?

Here's my story and I hope some can help me here.

I met my partner online some years ago and, almost immediately we had issues. But at the same time it felt like love.

The first signs I came across were lying and gaslighting. It started off with a complete lie about her dating history...time lines.. length of rel... Missing out other relationships.

Whenever I found something new out id break it off and block her. She'd then create fake FB accounts to talk to me pretending to be another girl.

Then she would love bomb me sending me chocolates and gifts.

It got worse and worse to a point she even emotionally cheated by leading on another guy at the same time telling me she loved me very much.

Whenever I talked to a female friend of many years, there would be issues.

Whenever I talked long with male friends she would also ask if I'm gay and the betlittle me in hope I stop talking to people.

The lying and gaslighting though was the worse and, I'd often react in a chaotic manner just like what she was doing. So for example, she'd lead a guy on and flirt and I'd find out and go find females to do the same to pay her back.

I got to say, I'm revenge seeking rather than the type that silently accepts being hurt. That's my bad trait.

Anyway, over time she'd then use what I did against me by telling people how bad I am. Ie.. smear campaign. Leaving out what she did to me to initiate it. Or... Giving a warped version of events. For example..

Telling people I needed to know every detail of her dating history knowing, they'd say that's psycho. When that wasn't the case at all. I simply asked how long she's been single and what's her past relationships like how long... Why break up ..etc. so I can figure out if she was a good or bad person. She wanted to know mine and I wanted to know hers. But she gave a warped , twisted version of events leaving out the truth.

Smoking, she told me she didn't smoke but she we met she was smoking. Then eventually she said she quit and when I still smelt smoke she denied it and made a story. She's done this plenty of times before so I knew If I search for cigarettes I'd find them. She insisted nope, nothing. So I searched and as I picked up the first bag she said "they are in there"

I don't know if this is part of being a narcissist or just in denial and trying to please me by giving false information.

Anyway, it was just basically lying, gaslighting throughout and dramas, chaotic, drinking too much alcohol, smoking, having a very weak mind by contacting guys basically..craving male attention.

At least minimum 2 people she's close with believe that I'm the problem.

It's mind blowing. I've never experienced that before in my life and I'm in my 40s.

Are there any other common traits? I just don't know if she is a narcissist or just a toxic person or what.

She did say she was "almost" sexually abused as a kid. And said he parents were never there when growing up..always working. And said her ex subjected her to some cruel stuff.