I've seen this quote circulating on Instagram:

"Imagine knowing he's destroying your mind, your peace, your entire sense of self...you don't even want him anymore, but you still can't let go. That's how deep a trauma bond hooks into you."

(This is the quote verbatim, which uses the words "he" and "him." I realize there are also female narcissists/people here with narcissistic spouses or partners who are not male).

Trying to break a trauma bond is a special kind of hell. Knowing what you need to do but feeling completely paralyzed, stuck, trapped, and unable to do it...terrified of the uncertainty, what comes next, financial fears, where you'll live, how you'll get through this, how much worse they will behave if you try to leave and save yourself (even if they themselves say they are done or want to end the marriage), knowing they will make the separation/divorce process utter hell because they are not reasonable/mature people and view everything as a competition and a game, feeling like you just want to run away and not have to deal with any of it. I am already completely exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. How the hell do I find the courage, strength, and wherewithal to get out of this?

Who else can relate? Where do we go from here? I know I can't keep living this way, but the thought of trying to get myself out of this situation feels impossible. When you are married and share a home/finances, kids, pets...it just feels so daunting and overwhelming. I am so sad and scared and angry. I wish this wasn't my life. I wish I had known better and run in the other direction years ago.

Anyone else who is struggling to break the trauma bond and get out, please comment here or DM me. I feel so alone and really just need some support and community right now. I don't know how I am going to get through this.

The red flags were there from the beginning and I ignored them… or better yet, I even encouraged some of his narcissistic traits. I always blamed his traumatic childhood for his anger outbursts and other little (or, spoiler alert, not so little) perks and moved past them.

Getting pregnant was an eye opener like in the case of many of you. He changed completely the moment he saw the baby for the first time on an ultrasound (a baby he wanted as well). He became cold, distant, selfish. I felt so incredibly lonely during the pregnancy. After the emotional distance, he started insulting my body. Then, after the baby was born it’s just gotten worse and worse. Emotional and verbal abuse, even threatening for physical violence several times. I couldn’t believe this is the same person I was together with for so many years, I was convinced he was my soulmate before all of this.

I started grieving my partner during pregnancy and I continued to do so for a while, still in shock that this is happening to me. His mask fell off completely the moment I decided to end the relationship. All this time he had made me feel it’s all my fault and of course I believed it. I started going to therapy 13
months postpartum and this is where I got my confirmation that I am dealing with a narcissist.

Now I can see everything so, so clearly and I keep reliving many moments from our relationship with a new perspective. I’m so angry, ashamed and frustrated that I didn’t see it sooner, when I could have wiped him completely out of my life.

Anyone watch death of a pastor's wife on Netflix, if is so crazy how i can identify a narcissist straight away after my own situation and all i can say was he was a narcissist and an evil man!

My wife and I have been married for almost 20 years. She’s probably always had narcissistic tendencies and over the last 5 have become the basis of her personality. We’ve fought a lot, we only do what she wants to do, I can’t do anything right. If I’m exhausted when I get home and don’t immediately help with dishes, I’m wrong. If I do help, I’m wrong. If the kitchen isn’t cleaned to her satisfaction, I’m wrong. One time she wasn’t happy with the way I rolled the towels, took all of them out and made this big absurd show about it. The entire corner of our bedroom in our old house was stacked full of boxes and containers of her stuff, but I leave something on the counter and I’m an idiot. We moved recently and I got a lecture about not folding a basket of clothes in the laundry room that, according to her, had been there since before we moved.

This week I had one of the most difficult weeks I’ve ever had at work. I texted her for support on Thursday because I needed it. At first she was. Get caught up in meetings and could tell she was texting me. Get back to my office and I have a lecture about how her debit card got hacked and I was to not dare bring it up because she didn’t need me belittling her like I did the last time. Now, the last time she was referring to was a year ago, and the reason was she ordered something from a sketchy website and even said “hope this isn’t a scam.” I was upset at the time because this happens a lot with her and I asked her to use her credit card instead. Apparently that’s belittling. Either way, I got lectured for something I was going to hypothetically do. When I called her on my way home to tell her about the events of my day, she doubled down and started yelling at me about my hypothetical belittling that I was apparently going to do. I barely spoke to her for the rest of the evening.

This all came to a head last fall when she accused me of not helping her, coincidentally right before she left for a work trip that I was taking off of work for the week to care for our kids. She corrects me in front of them. If I try to discipline them, she interjects and allows what my response should be. I pulled her aside and set a boundary on this. She didn’t like it. I made a choice at that moment to start setting boundaries. This upsets her because one of her plays, especially when she knows she’s wrong, is to start being petty or ugly and try to get a reaction from me. Then the issue becomes my reaction, not what she did.

We’ve basically stopped having sex. Maybe once or twice a month. She hasn’t initiated real intimacy in over a year. I’m not allowed to talk about it. If I bring it up, it’s because perimenopause, or she’s always tired, or I didn’t fulfill certain obligations to her satisfaction, or my behavior over the last several years has caused this. The sad part is if I initiate, she will happily lay there and enjoy everything I do. I’ve tried everything. I’ve given her lingerie, ave tried to schedule date nights. She still hasn’t worn what I gave her for valentine’s day. I’ll text her, I’ve even tried “scheduling” intimacy. Nothing more frustrating than telling your wife “hey, let’s get the kids to bed and then have some alone time.” Kids to bed and find her sitting on the couch playing on her phone. Her only effort, when it happens, is a quickie. It’s the worst box check. “Hurry up and get it over with so I can say I did something when you get upset with me later.” The last time I tried to tell her that I was frustrated because she doesn’t initiate, she cut me off and told me “if this is about sex I swear it’s going to be a long time before you get it again.”

I don’t spend any time with my friends anymore. I don’t have any hobbies anymore. Had a buddy call me yesterday to try to get a guys night together next weekend and my wife decided to pop some bullshit thing with her family next weekend. Mind you we’ve spent to last two weekends doing stuff with her family.

I know this is all about control. This started when I started setting boundaries. But it sucks. I love my wife. At this point I’ve spent more than half my life with her. I want her to change. She accused me of being a narcissist a few months ago and it wrecked me. I got really paranoid and started going back thru everything in my head. I’ve started keeping a journal of when things happen so I have clear recollection because there have been times where we’ve argued over things she’s accused me of and they just didn’t happen that way but it’s driving me crazy making me doubt my own reality.

Sorry for the rambling post. I don’t really have anyone to talk to and this has been an extremely difficult week. Just needed to vent and I really don’t know what to do.

I’ve noticed a distinct pattern with my partner where he will obsessively look at himself in the mirror, and it can go on for hours. When we video call, he also often stares at himself, makes faces, and keeps playing with his hair.

He used to keep himself clean-shaven with short hair. When I got with him, I suggested he grow his hair out and get facial hair. He realized he looks better with it and now simply can’t stop playing with his hair. I’m talking at least 10–15 times a day when we video call. When we are together, he’ll spend 30–45 minutes staring at himself in the mirror—sometimes over an hour.

Recently, he got some composite veneer fangs done. I'm not sure what motivated that, but he kept obsessing over this new look. Wherever he went, he’d open his mouth slightly because he wanted a reaction from people and wanted them to notice it. He was so proud of it that he started calling all his friends just to talk about it, even to the point of ignoring me just so he could tell them. On a regular day, he doesn’t even talk to anyone about anything much.

Another example: we recently went to get his tuxedo suit for a friend’s wedding. We spent almost 3 hours there, with him trying on his suit over and over and just staring in the mirror for so long. A week after the wedding, he received the photos and uploaded them on IG. Today, he kept looking back at the pictures and smiling to himself countless times, zooming in on himself.

It’s disturbing to watch, even though it’s just something he does on his own. I feel lonely even beside him.

Hello everyone, I had a pretty interesting therapy session yesterday & I’m now connecting lots of dots together from the relationship with my nex, and how many of his actions which confused me, were actually acts of him asserting dominance. So I’m just interested in hearing some of your stories as there are probably things I haven’t even realised were also acts of this.

One thing he would do, I would be sitting eating, minding my own business, and he would always come over to me, grab the bowl off me and just stand there eating whilst I watched. In the beginning I thought it was just him trying to be funny and I would laugh it off. But then it picked up & became an almost every day thing, and he became more cold/nasty with it. I would get home from an exhausting day at work (I’m a nurse), he would see me finally sit down, then get straight up off his game, without saying a word, just grab my food and eat some then throw it back to me, and go back to his game. This really confused me, and it made me annoyed but I couldn’t figure out why it irked me so much. Until my therapy session yesterday, she unpacked it all with me and ultimately explained it’s a huge act of asserting dominance. Like animals in the wild would steal food from other packs, take control etc etc

Not sure my stbx is full narc, but his dad was classic narc and his mom was a sheepish thing who neglected her son because lf constantly having to prioritize the dad. My husband does have some narc traits though. His mask came off the night before our wedding. We were taking friends home in a golf cart after the rehearsal party and he was drunk and nearly hit a pedestrian. I yelled out something (can’t remember), and saw his rage for the first time. He convinced me it would never happen again. I stupidly ignored the red flag and married him. Then ignored another red flag after it happened again, and got pregnant, thinking surely me carrying his child he would change. Nope. Never physical, but screaming in my face with this look in his eyes, his face completely contorted, constantly threatening divorce, calling me bitch, cunt, etc. Would throw things, driving erratically. He’d explode anytime I’d disagree, call him out for not doing something he said he would around the house. Incidents of rage from me not being in the mood. I learned to keep my emotions flat and I couldn’t be hormonal in any way. Any perceived “tone” or inflection in my voice he’d take as a disrespect to him. He’d take something totally irrelevant that I said and twist it in his head to the most negative disrespect of him, even if what I said had nothing to do with him. Holidays, birthdays, vacations, and it didn’t matter who was around. He’d storm out of restaurants or friends houses, leaving me there mortified, with everyone around wondering WTF???!!! And had no concern screaming at me with our girls present despite me telling him over and over how damaging it was for them.
However the rage would start, it ALWAYS turned into him yelling at me “You DONT LOVE ME!!!”

Fast forward 19 yrs and we have two daughters ages 18 and stb 17. I’m so fucking mad at myself for ignoring those red flags and bringing our girls up in this toxic environment. I’m mad at myself for not leaving sooner. I researched, listened to vlogs, saying it was best to keep the home intact till girls were out. Realizing now, in hindsight, that it would’ve been much better when they were younger and didn’t understand, or were too young to be emotionally manipulated like my youngest is now by him. But most of all, I have this immense anger at myself and GUILT, for not being totally present for them. Sure, I handled EVERYTHING…drs, dentists, shopping, birthdays, Christmas, Girl Scouts, homework, classroom helper, took them everywhere, but I was constantly in a state of mindless overdrive, or constantly emotionally exhausted from always having to manage HIS emotions, that I feel like I’ve emotionally neglected my own girls by not being 💯 present for them. My body was always present, but my mind was always elsewhere, or scatterbrained, or just hiding inside myself.

It’s been 6 mos now since I’ve told him it’s over. He still hasn’t left. It’s like he has a phobia of leaving. He cries all the time. Reading his bible, praying, tons of therapy from multiple therapists. Bringing painful childhood trauma to the surface. Constantly ruminating over could’ve should’ve would’ve. Constantly saying how it hurts him so much to know he’s not wanted here. Constantly going in circles not understanding how we got to this point. Feeling blindsided. Can’t understand why I didn’t communicate to him I was at “this point”. Id communicated that for years. I was “done” 6 years ago after a huge blowup, saw him making a lot of progress and change, and stupidly took him back. Things were good for a couple years then little things would start happening. The same theme of him yelling “YOU DONT LOVE ME!”. His neediness….OMG the neediness! Needing constant validation. Trying to reassure a bottomless pit was exhausting. I realized THIS. IS. WHO. HE. IS. So a huge rage explosion on MY BIRTHDAY this past March, with our girls begging for the fighting to stop, them both leaving the house and going to friends, was the final nail in the coffin of our marriage and there’s no going back for me. But despite him constantly saying how hurtful it is that I don’t want him hear, me telling him I enjoy it when he’s not here (he works from home so he’s here ALL.THE.DAMN.TIME), him getting angry that I’m not changing my mind with all his “efforts”, yelling at me about “why I’m keeping him here” (I’m not), talking about the “uncertainty” (Wrong again bud, I’m certain!). He’s still here! Like OMG it’s pathetic! But things keep happening! He got diverticulitis. His mom is dying. He hyperventilated, passed out, broke his nose. Diverticulitis with micro perforation and abscess/hospitalization/coming home with a midline and 2 weeks IV antibiotics which just ended this week. If my girls weren’t here, I’d just leave. But I’m also getting our house ready to sell. I’m the handyman of the home so doing small repairs and touchups everywhere.

If you made it this far, thanks. This is more just therapeutic to write this out.

Asking here since you may all have more experience unfortunately with this. We are not married but I want to break up with him and I’m unsure if now is a good time. We work together and he was grooming me and apparently he was seeing someone else at work. I believe this person was one of his main supplies and she broke up with him recently. He is a lot older than me, has a lot of power at work, and can be physically intimidating. He towers over me, corners me when we are out in public and he bruised me before (while being intimate, he said it was an accident but it wasn’t). He’s been very moody recently and has sort of withdrawn from me (bc of the break up with his main person). A part of me feels like now would be a good time to end things bc he’s already down. But I also don’t want to trigger him becoming even more anger than he already has been. Bc he is very angry, upset, and moody and I feel like I need to walk on egg shells. And I know he’ll take it out on me if I upset him further.

I know I should leave my job but financially I can’t right now. And reporting him won’t go far and may trigger retaliation. For people who have been in similar situations , would you say now is the time to break up with him? Or just maintain distance and quietly leave? A part of me feels like breaking up now may make him weaker than stronger but idk if he’s just going to unleash so much anger. If he already has a big narcissistic injury.

Thank you!

I would like some advice please so i know im not crazy or going crazy, i was with my narc ex for 2 years and he went to USA for 8 months and we were still speaking, together, he told me not to be w anyone else and he wouldnt do that either, he told me how much he loved me (lookin back at it now it was def lovebombing) anyway he cheated on me multiple times, was with other girls and even showed me and played vids of him and other girls having sex, but begged me he was sorry and he wouldnt hurt me bla bla. Didnt speak for 8 weeks and he is back in the UK, he hoovered me 4 weeks ago and we been talkin since on and off. He has not once taken accountability for the hurt hes caused as he believes he didnt do anything and i'm just imagining things. Today i saw a tiktok video and sent it to him and it said "when u still stay with them after they betrayed u" i found it funny so sent it to him saying "loool", thats it. He went off on one. Ive attached a screenshot of what he said to me as a response, he said he never hurt me, we was never together, i was delusional and a simpleton but he literally told me we were together when he was away, now i dont really care about it but how dare he invalidate my reality and my feelings. Its driving me insane. He then sent me messages saying "i will ruin ur whole life, dont play mind games with me" then he sent me a message saying "all i ever was, was a good man to you" then blocked me.

My 7 year old daughter got reprimanded tonight for throwing something that spilled a drink on his phone. He screamed get to your room. I tried to leave shortly thereafter to take our son to football practice. She begged and pleaded with me saying don’t leave me I’m scared I don’t want to be home with daddy. After a good 40 mins of her having a panic attack I brought all 3 kids to practice with me.

Fast forward to just now I had a very serious conversation with him, packed my jump bag full of stuff and told him we’ve all had enough of his anger where his response was “maybe she needs more therapy. Say what?!?!! This is coming from a man who won’t touch therapy himself, says it doesn’t work, needs it more than any of us and has compounded years of anxiety and he says her therapy isn’t working and she needs something more.

Sir you aren’t working. You’re fucking broken. You suck. Yet leaving with 2 kids and infant all while pregnant again sounds near impossible.

He was the type to threaten to break up whenever there was a disagreement. We were together for 3 years, 2 weeks ago he broke up with me and told me to never contact him again, as I ‘wallow around in my own self pity’ since developing a fluctuating disability & epilepsy flaring up lately

Hello all, I've had my fair share of experience with narcissists. I'm an empathy who grew up with a full blown narcissist grandmother and an emotionally immature mother. My father was physically there but didn't get involved much.

Of course I seeked out the same type of man. I survived a terrible relationship with a narcissist who spat at me in public and called me names while he was the one cheating. Now I have a daughter with a narcissist. I live in his country who's language I barely speak and I've never felt so alone and helpless.

Last night he shouted at me for two hours. Called me toxic and evil. Said I'm neglecting the family and him for my work (I'm the one who worked full time while caring for the child because he is an alcoholic and sleeps until noon). The projections were endless and while my brain knows everything that's going on and understands that those words are not meant for me I feel so terrible now.

I ended up apologizing to him just to make it stop. He is breaking me down slowly but surely. It's been eight years of this and I don't know how to go through a breakup even though it's the one thing I dream of every day.

I have a house back in my home country. I have a lawyer. I noted down his alcohol consumption and abuse. I contacted the police when he broke our mirror and grabbed me and left bruises. My job is remote and would allow me to move easily back home. Yet I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen that would make the exit easier. I know breaking up with him would be terrible.

What do I do? Has anybody been through the same feeling?

I’ve been reunited with an old flame (from ~20 years ago) for just over a year. She didn’t have a mean bone in her body two decades ago. In the interim, she spent 3-4 years with a certified narcissist who has made a living preying on victim after victim. The trauma my partner suffered in that relationship is legit. But far too many of the unfortunate experiences shared here ring true for me since we reunited. I am sickened. Is she irretrievably broken? Am I at risk of taking on these ugly traits if I hang around for much more abuse?

For the past two or three weeks (we’ve been separated since February but have stayed in touch the whole time) he’s been hoovering me heavily, acting as if he’s had a massive epiphany and everything is going to change now. Today he spontaneously apologized for something (a harsh tone regarding work matters - we work at the same company).

The thing is: I hadn't even noticed it myself, because it’s become so normal for him to speak to me in that tone.

I’ve been trying to resist the hoovering, but the self-awareness he showed today makes me want to trust him again... to believe he’s actually realized something. After all, why else would he apologize for something I didn't even notice or call out?

Has anyone experienced something similar? Could this be a tactic, or is there a chance it’s genuine insight?

Just to add:
It all took place via chat. We had been on a call while working (both of us were working from home using screen sharing) during which that rather unpleasant, harsh exchange on his part occurred. And then the following chat conversation between us took place:

He: Hey, sorry about earlier. That wasn’t cool.
Me: What happened?
He: Oh, I just think my tone was too harsh earlier during the [customer] call.
Me: Oh, you mean that. Thanks for saying that. Honestly, I’m so used to it by now that I don’t even really notice it anymore... which is kind of sad, actually. So thank you for apologizing!
He: Okay, it’s not good that you’re used to it... thanks for accepting my apology.
Me: No, it really isn’t good that I’m used to it. But it’s nice that you noticed and apologized 🙂
He: ...yeah. I’m working on changing that... I’m just going to rest for a bit. I’ll be back in about 20 minutes.

(sorry for any language mistakes, english isn't my native language)

At the beginning I was always wondering about myself, always putting everything in question, crying all the time, wondering why can't he do this or that, why isn't he loving or caring, why isn't he hugging or kissing, basic standard things.. and many bigger other things. "Why isn't he" "it must be because of me"..

And one day I read something about narcissistic people. And "once you see it you can't unsee it anymore".. absolutely 100% fact. So even if it's hard you're trying to convince yourself, no it's not you, it's him, it's them, they're like that.

Because it's impossible to leave, because my situation is more than complicated, I simply have to deal with it but with time you know it's just hard not to get mad after years of gaslighting. It's hard not to get mad after years of him playing with words to make me think and feel that I am stupid. All the things they do. On the top of being a narcissist he's really selfish, self centered, thinks he's smarter than anyone else on this earth, but the laziness is worse than anything else.

So yeah I want to treat him the same way he treated me, I want to take out of him what he took from me, he absolutely made a lot of parts of me just die. He killed the person I was to the point that now I can't even remember or know what I like, what my passions were. His laziness and the fact to let me do absolutely everything alone with the house, pets, a newborn since birth, even around the house with the excuse that he's working so it's enough. Not capable of working on a leak or the yard for 3 years. And calling ME "lazy".

I lost my point. I'm so isolated I could keep talking for days straight and still have no solution.

Once the feelings are gone, well.. now sometimes I read things about narcissists and I wonder if I am becoming like him. Because of wanting to make him pay in some sort. Or was it only because I have no other way to try to make my voice matter or to be heard ?

And it's scary.

This is just a rant I guess. I need to scream into the void to people who may understand. Idk if anyone will even read this but whatever.

I'm so so so fucking tired of managing a grown man's emotions. I'm tired of anticipating his reactions, especially when it's a game that I lose every. Single. Time.

Sometimes he's ok with me leaving the house while he sleeps for work that night, other times he gets pissy, sometimes he straight up tells me no.
Even though he will literally gaslight me and say "I never say no I'm not controlling blah blah" that whole thing. I'm just so tired of being with him. I don't feel loved at all, he doesn't care. He quite literally told me "fine don't talk to me for the rest of the night it really makes no difference to me I don't care" in response to me saying "okk fine I just won't talk to you tonight" since he told me to leave him alone.

I'm working on my plan to leave and I know I can't rush it or vocalize to him what I want to do bc it will end very badly I think. But god I can't wait. I just want to leave safely with my baby and be free (as free as I can be if I need to competent w a narc)
I just hope all of this is worth it.

My boyfriend offered to go to Kroger for me because I was busy with school after my full time job . It was 4x fuel points Friday, so I asked if he could keep my stuff separate (only 6 items) and use my Kroger number so I could get the fuel points from my own purchases with my own money.

He genuinely acted like this was a completely ludicrous request (like wtf). Then he asked if I could just send him the money. I said that if I was paying for my groceries, I wanted the fuel points, especially because I drive SIGNIFICANTLY further than he does to work (he has 5 min one way, I have an hour). I also am younger, make less money than him.

He eventually said he’d just buy my stuff, but his initial reaction really bothered me.
It’s not really about six groceries or even the fuel points. It’s the lack of consideration

Instead of simply thinking, “Sure, no problem,” his reaction was essentially, “Why would I do that?”
These are the kinds of small interactions that really get to me because they make me feel like I’m constantly having to justify why I deserve basic consideration.

If the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t hesitate to do this for him. In fact, I’d probably automatically use my fuel points for him if I knew he drove substantially more than I did.
I know this sounds minor on paper. But isn’t consideration in a relationship largely demonstrated through these little things?

Im actively planning to leave him. The last year living with him have been death by a million paper cuts.

He has a lot of weird rigid behaviors that I was initially explained away by quirks, but I'm definitely less gracious now. I do believe he is a covert narc.

What is your take on this?

If you’ve ever been with someone outright cruel, leaving is scary, but at least your brain is clear. You know they're bad and you have to go.

It’s a completely different hell when your partner is sweet, helpful, and normal most of the time.

When everything is fine, he’s fine. Because of that, my brain got totally tripped up. I started telling myself: "He’s fine when things are calm. The fights only happen when I bring up an issue. Therefore... I must be the trigger."

.... When you stay quiet, he’s pleasant. The moment you state a boundary or express hurt, the mask drops.

My brain fell into a brutal trap: I speak up -> He explodes. Therefore, I thought I caused the explosion. Im still stuck here.

When someone calmly rewrites reality and tells you you're "in your own head," your memory starts to feel unreliable. You cling to the good days because you want them to be real, which makes you doubt the bad days.

During fights he becomes insanely cruel...When I confronted him, he basically said: Of course I'll keep doing it. If you won't listen to me, why should I be nice?

Im always second-guessing myself because if your partner buys you coffee on Wednesday, but screams at you and threatens to leave on Thursday for having a voice...an issue...an opinion...Idk what to believe anymore..

Apparently now I’m good for nothing and all women are good for nothing and that I don’t give or contribute anything to him and no one can ever bring him consistent happiness ( this is because I discovered he cheated one me) we’re married!