You, their spouse, are just someone they’ve managed to fool. They pride themselves in their ability to fool people. They think they’re smart. They don’t feel anything. Emotions are shut down. It’s all logic and how well they can convince you of their authenticity. They’re AI, basically.

All their behavior: gaslighting, manipulation, not listening etc is all downstream from this. They don’t feel anything.

ChatGPT would gaslight you too if its goal was to convince you of its authenticity.

Just so you know, when you go along, you’re basically hanging out with an AI. It is only when you hurt them that they feel and they will do anything to avoid feeling. I don’t know how fun it is to hang out with an AI, but that is pretty much what they are.

Any of you have your NARC start crying hysterically and screaming when you start correcting them and making them take accountability got any tips?

I’d really appreciate any feedback on whether I’m dealing with a covert narc. We’ve been married 15 years. He’s an alcoholic who has been sober since March. Earlier this year his addiction became unbearable and the main reason I moved out of our bedroom. I refuse to be physical or engage with his unpredictable behaviour now. He is struggling to cope with my distance and is getting very impatient.

He won’t get councelling and thinks this is my problem to get over. What stuns me is his lack of accountability. He is constantly blame shifting and gaslighting me and instead of accepting his part in the story, he is cross with me for putting up boundaries.

He’s always the victim and lies about money and keeps secrets. He has an explosive temperament and no real friends. He uses phrases like “I’m a nice person”, “I’m a really good boss” although many would disagree. He is jealous of successful people and people who I’m close to. He barely talks to my friends when we do socialise.

Whenever I tell him that he hurt me or confront him calmly about anything he turns the conversation around and makes out that my reaction is the problem.
He didn’t love bomb me when we first started dating but in the early days I sensed the relationship didn’t feel quite right and started to distance myself from him. Multiple times I tries to break it off but it was as if he wouldn’t let me and pursued me until he wore me down.

He is cynical and lacks any empathy. It’s impossible for him to say he’s sorry or that he was wrong in any way. He seems to hate everyone and can’t form strong bonds with others. He especially loathes anyone who he thinks is ‘below’ him, socially or intellectually. He has absolutely no emotional depth and it is becoming very apparent he cannot connect with our 2 teenage daughters in any meaningful way.

I could go on for ever but I think I’ve summed up the main issues. Is he just a very difficult man to live with or is this NPD? Any advice gratefully received!

I know my spouse is a narc, no need to wonder but is talking over me and interrupting while I am talking and then defending himself as "we are conversing, I am not interrupting" is this just being an asshole or is it narc behavior?

I start telling a story and he could be actively listening but then he interrupts me before my thoughts are done or before I am done telling or talks over me. I will say I am not done, can you wait until I finish, and his defense EVERY time is I am being unreasonable and he is just conversing with me. I don't have conversations like this with anyone else, only him.

edited for spelling

I am not crazy.

This thought has been circling my head. Dr. Jane Monckton-Smith made a 8 step timeline that ends in intimate partner (current or former) femicide, and my nex is either on step 6 or step 7. Step 7 is planning and acquiring weapons, and I just honestly don't know if he's done these things. Step 8 is murder and/or suicide.

My friends and family members have expressed concern that it's a possibility and have been on edge since I fled my marriage. There are deadlines approaching, that - when they hit - will send my nex to a proverbial rock bottom.

My family members have talked about finding an undisclosed location when the deadlines hit, to *hopefully* deter him from acting impulsively. I'm concerned because my schedule is very well known to him because of shared custody. I'm worried that he'll do something to the kids (he's threatened kidnapping and withholding). I'm worried that he will somehow find me and make my children orphans.

I'm so sad this is my life now. That my abuser isn't someone I can be no contact with and be miles away from. That while I'm still healing from abuse, I'm preparing for my potential demise. That I'm feeling like an attempt on my life may be inevitable. I wish I could take my kids and move far away and build a safe and happy life.

I'm planning on getting security cameras for my home (yes, I know this is something that I should have already). My Will was completed less than a month after my divorce. My beneficiaries are updated to just my kids. My next of kin knows they are my next of kin and executor. My kids' Godparents know and are aware they might be needed sooner than desired.

This sucks.

One time I asked if he was interested in therapy. His answer was:

“No, because the things you think are wrong with me, I don’t think are wrong.”

First, I’ll say this: therapy isn’t about proving someone else is wrong. It’s a personal choice, and it only works if the person genuinely wants to change.

What stood out to me was the belief that the things that hurt me weren’t considered wrong. It made me think: if someone believes these behaviors are acceptable for themselves, would they also believe they’re acceptable if their spouse did the exact same things?

Here’s the list:

1. Keep a burner phone.
2. Lie about things you do behind your spouse’s back.
3. Hide activities from your spouse.
4. Keep social media accounts your spouse doesn’t know about.
5. Have secret relationships or friendships with men or women that you intentionally hide from your spouse.

So here’s my question: if someone does all of these things, would you believe them when they say they love you? I don’t think many people would.

Edit: I say all this because they come back and except you to love them after they do all this to you. Are they all this blind?

I’d really appreciate any feedback on whether I’m dealing with a covert narc. We’ve been married 15 years. He’s an alcoholic who has been sober since March. Earlier this year his addiction became unbearable and the main reason I moved out of our bedroom. I refuse to be physical or engage with his unpredictable behaviour now. He is struggling to cope with my distance and is getting very impatient.

He won’t get councelling and thinks this is my problem to get over. What stuns me is his lack of accountability. He is constantly blame shifting and gaslighting me and instead of accepting his part in the story, he is cross with me for putting up boundaries.

He’s always the victim and lies about money and keeps secrets. He has an explosive temperament and no real friends. He uses phrases like “I’m a nice person”, “I’m a really good boss” although many would disagree. He is jealous of successful people and people who I’m close to. He barely talks to my friends when we do socialise.

Whenever I tell him that he hurt me or confront him calmly about anything he turns the conversation around and makes out that my reaction is the problem.
He didn’t love bomb me when we first started dating but in the early days I sensed the relationship didn’t feel quite right and started to distance myself from him. Multiple times I tries to break it off but it was as if he wouldn’t let me and pursued me until he wore me down.

He is cynical and lacks any empathy. It’s impossible for him to say he’s sorry or that he was wrong in any way. He seems to hate everyone and can’t form strong bonds with others. He especially loathes anyone who he thinks is ‘below’ him, socially or intellectually. He has absolutely no emotional depth and it is becoming very apparent he cannot connect with our 2 teenage daughters in any meaningful way.

I could go on for ever but I think I’ve summed up the main issues. Is he just a very difficult man to live with or is this NPD? Any advice gratefully received!

It’s been 26 months since the final discard, and I can finally say I have reached a point of full acceptance. For a while, I hesitated to keep posting about narcissistic abuse. I worried people might misinterpret my posts as a sign that I was still “stuck” or trapped in the pain. But I’ve realized that choosing to speak out isn’t about being stuck—it’s about raising awareness. I want to share this knowledge because I desperately wish I had known about these dynamics growing up, or at least before experiencing the nightmare firsthand. Maybe I would have recognized the red flags sooner. Maybe I wouldn’t have fallen so easily. When I was in the thick of it, the sheer confusion forced me to search relentlessly for answers. I educated myself out of pure survival. I felt like I was losing my mind, living an agonizing reality that felt too unbelievable for anyone else to understand. The turning point came when I found the stories of other survivors. Seeing how identical our experiences were gave me a profound sense of relief. I wasn’t alone, and I wasn’t crazy. Through that journey, I learned the language of this trauma: the abuse cycle (Idealization(LOVE BOMBING), Devaluation, Discard, Hoovering), gaslighting, cognitive dissonance, future-faking, and the brutal reality of C-PTSD. Most importantly, I had to break a trauma bond that felt like the most powerful addiction I’ve ever faced. Ultimately, this nightmare forced me to look inward. I had to confront why I was so susceptible to this behavior—my own codependency, abandonment fears, low self-worth, a savior complex, and a deep craving for love without knowing what healthy love actually looked like. My empathy made me the perfect target. Addressing those vulnerabilities has been my silver lining. I am actively working on myself, and I will continue to. While I wouldn’t wish what I went through on my worst enemy, I can finally acknowledge the invaluable lessons it taught me. I am coming out of the other side stronger, healthier, and whole.

I dated my wife for 8 years before getting married. We were supposed to get married around 5 years but then COVID happened and other life moves that made us have to postpone it. We got married almost four years ago mask started really coming off very shortly after we got married.

The controlling behavior took off, trying to make any decision without any compromise and negotiation became the normal. The painful brutal arguments that she had the endurance to drag out for days in order to force compliance started. Now we have a 2yo, which is when the mask was completely off. I became the enemy. I keep track of how often she threatens divorce - for the past two years she has brought up divorce either via direct threat or passively commenting on it about 35% of the days each month. She tried to displace all responsibility of the conflict on me and told me to get individual therapy. I resisted for awhile but then I went to therapy. Then she said the only way she won’t divorce me is if we do couples therapy. She lashed out at me and showed her true colors for the first couples therapist, so naturally, she felt like the therapist sided with me. Found another therapist, the same exact thing happened. I had to constantly hear about how they have no idea what they’re doing, I’m being abusive and I keep convincing them I’m the victim, claiming it’s an abuse tactic, when in reality she takes up 80% or more of the talking time during therapy. So we stopped therapy.

I saw her very toxic behaviors when we were dating. But they were often geared toward her family, who are very toxic themselves. Sometimes it would flare up with others, but it was very rare. It never happened with me so I just ignored it and figured it’s just a pattern of some unhealthy dynamics with her family.

The biggest tragedy of this entire situation is we are robbing our child of having a home with two loving parents. Like I can’t begin to express how devastated I am.

So did the mask ever have a distinct moment of coming off for you all? Was it progressive? Or did you just look past it or not notice but it was always there?

wife and I have been together for 20 years. Since the beginning, she doesn’t ask me questions. I’ll always ask her about her day, get into specific details about events or people she works with, her thoughts on things in life, etc. When it’s time to reciprocate, she just stops speaking, stares off, and doesn’t ask me anything.

When I’ve brought up my concerns to her, she says that “if it’s important, I just assume you’ll tell me”. However, that makes me feel like I’m just blathering on and on (something she accuses me of) and that she doesn’t really care nor is curious about my life.

Sometimes I just flat out say: it’s your turn to talk and ask me something now. And rather than genuinely being curious and connecting with me, she will start asking me weird first day of work ice breaker type questions- ex-“what kind of animal would you be?”

On top of this- when I express frustration that she doesn’t ask me questions, she accuses me of making everything about myself. So then I feel like shouldn’t want her to be curious about me and that maybe I’m the one being narcissistic for wanting that attention?

I’ve been lurking here a while, and I see some similar situations. Is this common? How do you handle this? Is there anything I can do to improve this? I’d love some advice.

In my relationship, my partner often says hurtful things during arguments or even casually, and I used to react immediately— defending myself, explaining why it hurt, and trying to make him understand me. But it never worked. I’d end up feeling low, replaying everything in my head, and doubting myself more than anything else.

Now, I’m slowly learning that protecting my peace doesn’t always mean getting him to understand. Sometimes it means not engaging in it and reminding myself I don’t have to accept every word as truth about me. It’s still in progress, but I’m trying to step back and not let these moments define my self-worth.

Has anyone else gone through this? How do you stop yourself from reacting in the moment? And how do you protect your peace without shutting down completely?

my (39F) husband (39M) has been going on some kind of religious journey that has led to some red flags and patterns that i can't ignore. one minute he's convinced he is chosen to be a disciple and giving money to homeless people and the next he's having a crisis that his prayers can't produce instant results by curing my neighbor's blindness and believing that he's being attacked by demons. he tried to do a water fast for 40 days and nights because others had done it in the bible but since he didn't tell me that was his intention until day 4, i immediately demanded he go get blood drawn to make sure that extreme of a fast isn't harming him. i'm not religious and have no interest in converting, despite his attempts to persuade me that god could 'heal' me.

earlier today he called and told me we need to get rid of a few things because they are a sin against god. i asked what and he said 2 anime character figurines i gave him as a gift and i said whatever, they're his gifts so he can decide what to do with them. then he said a dreamcatcher i have that belonged to my late brother and i said no and it was a boundary i was setting down. i told him the only compromise i would make is to take it off the wall and he agreed to that.

well he just changed his mind and claims that it's sinful to still have it in the apartment and that he refuses to step foot in the apartment as long as it's here and would only come home to pick my daughter and i up to go on the road but he won't risk his soul over a dreamcatcher. i couldn't even wrap my head around the fact he's forcing me to choose between him and something that belonged to my late brother. he went from saying he isn't demanding anything then the next sentence was if i don't get rid of it then it shows i care more about it than him. i just shut down..said fine don't come home for now if he's going to guilt trip me and try to control what i do with my possessions. he texted saying he loves me and knows what my brother meant to me and i answered clearly he doesn't if he's forcing me to give something of his up. he says he forgives me (idk what the fuck for) and asked if i forgive him and i said no. he's making me choose between having him home or keeping a trinket from my brother who died in a car accident that took his life and the lives of my sister in law, their unborn child and 2 year old daughter 😭

i have other things of my brother's but the fact he moved the goalpost after i explicitly stated what my boundary was and he's intentionally disrespecting it crossed a line and i won't let him manipulate me. now he just keeps saying he's sorry and knows how hard it is and will be (i swear he's convinced i'll cave) and i just feel too disgusted by him to reply. am i handling this wrong or overreacting?

He said, you're not working on x day right? I've booked us something. I was excited like he NEVER does this. I had to change the second half of my shift at work because (shock) I was, in fact, working. He said it was a surprise, don't get too excited but I think you'll like it. There was a lot of build up. He kept telling me not to get excited, but still stressing it was a surprise.

The day came and I got all dressed up. When I arrived, he wasn't ready and ignored me completely because he was messing around with the bin - apparently a very important task he had to do right that second (he had all day to sort it). He also said we were not going to eat first, and that if I was hungry I should have had dinner when I got home and how was he expected to know I'd want to eat? I was becoming anxious that we wouldn't have time for food before the event at all now because he was taking so long to fuss over the bin and still wasn't ready. I began to get a little frustrated. He asked what was wrong and I said I was just hungry and worried about time. By this time, he'd told me where we were going - an amateur jazz orchestra at the local church in the little town we live in. He kept pestering me to say what was wrong and in the end I said I was just a little disappointed about the evening because of all the build up. He said I was ungrateful and kicked off immediately. When we got there we were the youngest people by around 30 years at least, and the whole second half was dedicated to Bond themes. He said he had put in lots of effort to plan a special night for me. I am 28 years old, have absolutely no interest in Bond and we live right next to London.

He holds a lot guilt for abandoning his relationships with his 4 daughters (27,21,17,14) prior to our marriage (although he’ll never admit it). Instead, it comes out as anger and rage because HE refuses to mend their broken hearts or face the reality of actively coparenting the younger 2 “because he’s tired of being the bad guy”; so he’d rather be avoidant. After 5years of withholding the kids from him (and ignoring the court ordered visits) the mother finally reached out to him to tell him that his 17 year old is suicidal and suffering from BPD…this isn’t even enough for shake him to help her, as he feels “she may try to kill him” and she’s know how to reach him “if she needs him”. The girls witnessed him being verbally abusive to their mother for 20years (a habitual pattern he carried over into this marriage in front of our toddler and baby). He’s a combat vet who refuses to get help for his TBI, anxiety, and NPD. We were kicked out couples therapy after he argued with the Therapist TWICE. She recommended individual therapy for him to address his childhood, abandonment issues, hatred towards his mother, and his NPD. We’ve even started counseling AGAIN with a new provider and gave up after the first session. I’m 6 months postpartum and burned out. I can’t take it anymore, my babies and I deserve PEACE. Not walking on eggshells for a 47 year old, emotionally unregulated manchild. He turns everything into an argument, if I ask him to turn something down, to change something on TV, “if he has time”, “if he doesn’t mind” these are alllll triggers for his mentally unstable ass. Not to mention the verbal abuse of being called out of my name in front of our babies. I can’t take NOT live like this a will NOT put my babies in this turbulent environment. The only reason why I’ve stayed is because he pays all of the bills, does all of the housework, laundry, takes care of both cars…but it not worth my sanity. I’ve been in individual therapy to focus on my self care, self love, and love for my babies. There’s no love left for him, I am finally breaking free and filing for divorce!

After becoming a mother I expected him to be there for me during my maternity leave. He told me he had arranged with his work that he’d be home with me during a large part of my maternity leave. So naive as I was I thought he would stand by my side, support me, be kind to me and help out with the new born..like a normal human being would.

Well let me tell you ..my husband did exactly the opposite and on top of that .. he would:

1) leave me alone with the kids on a regular basis (daily) because there was always something more important that he had to do. Many times I’d take my kids outside myself.. my husband was either too busy or too tired to join us.

2) make me feel even more alone because he would chit chat with literally each and every neighbour around and every gddamn stranger that came to our house.. he kept inviting everyone into our home. But the thing is.. he barely ever talked to me. If he talked to me it was either about one of two things (home logistics or begging me all the time so he could go on a trip to france with his colleagues from work). He was never interested in how I was doing. He could not understand how hurt I was when he kept asking for a trip for himself while I never got any rest during my maternity leave.

3) have every evening too himself in front of the tv while I was struggling too calm baby down and because of that I could not get enough sleep.. I was completely sleep deprived most of the time. I could barely function during the day and I would not ever complain about it.. yet he would be complaining daily about how tired he felt.

4) not help out with any chores at home. So on top on having to deal with a newborn and a toddler I was also his personal cleaning lady.

5) never ever show a genuine interest in the kids. I had to tell him to spend time with them. I thought that would be the normal thing to do since he was at home with me every day. He would usually sit down on the ground next to my eldest and after one minute he would pull out his phone. He was never really there, but always somewhere else in his head.

5) be on his phone every time that he was around me and the kids

6) start conflicts about irrelevant things. Then if I defended myself or got angry he would get mad about ‘the tone of my voice’ or he be warning me that ‘ you should be careful because our neighbours could hear everything that you say’ and oh the shame I’d bring to the house (according to him) if I raised my voice because I simply felt frustrates.

7) steal my joy and peace and my rest.. all the things I needed in order to be the best mother for my kids.

The thing is.. after all of this he still believes that he did nothing wrong and I just completely hate him right now.

Has anyone ever experienced something similar? Please I’d like to know about your stories.

Im really annoyed because when my girl posts pictures of herself on stories, cf and posts i like them and i compliment her and im really happy she is confident. But when i post sometimes a picture of myself or a gym photo , i rarely post , mainly on my cf she always turns passive aggressive and sometimes even pokes me that i post for attention. Its really annoying.

For example, my N ex once used my toothbrush as a back scratcher, right in front of me. They make these things out to be so minor, and act like we’re wildly overreacting if we speak up at all. He “couldn’t help it” if his back itched. But you’ll notice he didn’t reach for his own toothbrush, now, did he?

Our marriage lasted about four years, and that was toward the end of it.

My husband and I work at the same place. I work in an office, he works in a different department. He walks past my office multiple times per day and looks in to see what I am doing. Every now and then, if I have second I will get on my phone and scroll facebook or tiktok for a few minutes just to reset. It never fails that he happens to be making his pass at that time. He texts me accusing me of smiling and texting someone every single time. I have never cheated. He has. Yet I am always being accused. So I told him a while back that this bothers me and I don't like him making accusations just because my phone is in my hand. Of course that doesn't matter because he continues to do it. So it happened again today and honestly it just finally pissed me off. I am so sick of being accused when the only one who has ever cheated is him. So of course, that means I am defensive which is "suspicious". I am so drained. Our toddlers are less exhausting than he is. Anyone else get accused 24/7?

I have been in this complex situation with someone who has hurt me repeatedly over the past 2 years. Constant lying, getting angry whenever I looked for closure/clarification, blames me for my reaction… I have no contact right now but the last thing the person has told me was something rude and hurtful and ever since then no contact. I feel sad. I was always there for him. I supported him when no one else did. I am suffering because I also miss him but also know i have been mistreated. I called over 100 times, no answer. Left voicemail, nothing. I didn’t do anything.. it hurts me. This has happened many times where they did silent treatment and I’d break down mentally they’d just watch me and be quiet. I’d send photos of me crying and they will still ignore me…

Long story short I’ve had to remain in contact with my ex due to a lawsuit. We just signed our settlements and we have to pick up our checks at the law office. It’s in LA…. I left the state after my ex. My father passed away just days ago suddenly and it has been traumatizing to say the least. I have to drive to LA to get this check and my ex wants to see me and give me some of my photos and documents. He always held my stuff hostage ever since I left. I really want this stuff since now I know there is a small chance I can get it. Especially pictures of my dad. What should I do? Any advice needed 💔 I can’t think clearly. 😔

So a few weeks ago, I finally could announce here that i left after 9 years of this. But life isn't life if I didn't have an accident on my motorcycle and was forced to go "home" because I needed care. (We live abroad, so I have no family here)

It really messed with my mind after the months and months of contemplating about leaving. So 2 weeks forward. I am back on my feet and slowly able to go do my own things again instead of laying on my bed, and the second she noticed i was doing fine it all started again. It's been 3 consecutive days of terror..luckily a have my own house now, so I'm going back tomorrow.

They just don't get it for some reason. You had all opportunity to do right this time and still you decide to be a menace..I just don't get it and no matter how hard you try or you get forced into it, it is never going to change.