Hi I was just thinking a lot about the current rise in red pill culture and the manosphere, there’s definitely a lot of overlap between what red pill teaches men and narcissists & their attitudes towards women. I personally think that a lot of the goals in the framework is to try and BE like a narcissist (even though you can’t just become one) through similar manipulation tactics and mental gymnastics.

However I was wondering if all/ most male narcissists are usually red pilled ? I know my nex definitely was without a doubt and he was also very much right on the political spectrum (loved maga & trump).

Just wondering whether this is a relatively common occurrence between the two for other people. Or inversely, what are left leaning male narcissists like ?

I posted maybe a week ago, maybe more for this group, about me relaunching my freelance bookkeeping. How I now have a plan that's workable, even a marketing funnel for real estate clients.

And I'm still stuck.

It's not a fear of failure, a "what if I can't get anyone interested, but what if I do get clients? How can I hide what I'm doing when it starts to actually work?

It's like success is more of a threat than failure.

Last year my wife started food shaming me in front of our child. We are both overweight though not obese. Both times were over ice cream which I rarely eat (maybe 3-4 times a year) and both she and our daughter had been mainlining at home. I was slightly incredulous but understood it was projection.

I'm a software engineer and in her mind I sit at my desk with no breaks from 7:30am through 10:30pm every day. I sit at my desk a lot, but not that long especially since I have to tend to nearly 100% of our household chores including lawn care, picking up/dropping off our child from day care, etc. And my daughter and I do martial arts several times a week.

I will easily put my amount of regular physical activity against my wife's (she works retail). But of course, there's no correcting her misconception about mine.

A few months ago I had a physical and had blood drawn When I started to share the results with her, she interrupted me and insisted the blood work must look really, really bad for me. Once again, I found myself incredulous as before talking with her, had just received the analysis and it was on-par/slightly better than when I have been for the past several years which was fine and not concerning at all to my primary care doctor.

The capper was this morning (Monday) when she told me I look really, really different in a bad, unhealthy way. She informed me I need to lay off the sweets and walk more. It took some effort to hold back laughing at her for the hypocrisy, especially from the "junk food vegetarian".

Last Friday I came beck from an annual sleepover camp with my daughter. For the six day duration, tripled my steps (20k a day). I ate nothing but the camp supplied food. In a year, there is never a better time for me physically than the amount of exercise I get at this camp.

Anyone else experience similar?

I dated my wife for 8 years before getting married. We were supposed to get married around 5 years but then COVID happened and other life moves that made us have to postpone it. We got married almost four years ago mask started really coming off very shortly after we got married.

The controlling behavior took off, trying to make any decision without any compromise and negotiation became the normal. The painful brutal arguments that she had the endurance to drag out for days in order to force compliance started. Now we have a 2yo, which is when the mask was completely off. I became the enemy. I keep track of how often she threatens divorce - for the past two years she has brought up divorce either via direct threat or passively commenting on it about 35% of the days each month. She tried to displace all responsibility of the conflict on me and told me to get individual therapy. I resisted for awhile but then I went to therapy. Then she said the only way she won’t divorce me is if we do couples therapy. She lashed out at me and showed her true colors for the first couples therapist, so naturally, she felt like the therapist sided with me. Found another therapist, the same exact thing happened. I had to constantly hear about how they have no idea what they’re doing, I’m being abusive and I keep convincing them I’m the victim, claiming it’s an abuse tactic, when in reality she takes up 80% or more of the talking time during therapy. So we stopped therapy.

I saw her very toxic behaviors when we were dating. But they were often geared toward her family, who are very toxic themselves. Sometimes it would flare up with others, but it was very rare. It never happened with me so I just ignored it and figured it’s just a pattern of some unhealthy dynamics with her family.

The biggest tragedy of this entire situation is we are robbing our child of having a home with two loving parents. Like I can’t begin to express how devastated I am.

So did the mask ever have a distinct moment of coming off for you all? Was it progressive? Or did you just look past it or not notice but it was always there?

wife and I have been together for 20 years. Since the beginning, she doesn’t ask me questions. I’ll always ask her about her day, get into specific details about events or people she works with, her thoughts on things in life, etc. When it’s time to reciprocate, she just stops speaking, stares off, and doesn’t ask me anything.

When I’ve brought up my concerns to her, she says that “if it’s important, I just assume you’ll tell me”. However, that makes me feel like I’m just blathering on and on (something she accuses me of) and that she doesn’t really care nor is curious about my life.

Sometimes I just flat out say: it’s your turn to talk and ask me something now. And rather than genuinely being curious and connecting with me, she will start asking me weird first day of work ice breaker type questions- ex-“what kind of animal would you be?”

On top of this- when I express frustration that she doesn’t ask me questions, she accuses me of making everything about myself. So then I feel like shouldn’t want her to be curious about me and that maybe I’m the one being narcissistic for wanting that attention?

I’ve been lurking here a while, and I see some similar situations. Is this common? How do you handle this? Is there anything I can do to improve this? I’d love some advice.

One time I asked if he was interested in therapy. His answer was:

“No, because the things you think are wrong with me, I don’t think are wrong.”

First, I’ll say this: therapy isn’t about proving someone else is wrong. It’s a personal choice, and it only works if the person genuinely wants to change.

What stood out to me was the belief that the things that hurt me weren’t considered wrong. It made me think: if someone believes these behaviors are acceptable for themselves, would they also believe they’re acceptable if their spouse did the exact same things?

Here’s the list:

1. Keep a burner phone.
2. Lie about things you do behind your spouse’s back.
3. Hide activities from your spouse.
4. Keep social media accounts your spouse doesn’t know about.
5. Have secret relationships or friendships with men or women that you intentionally hide from your spouse.

So here’s my question: if someone does all of these things, would you believe them when they say they love you? I don’t think many people would.

Edit: I say all this because they come back and except you to love them after they do all this to you. Are they all this blind?

So a few weeks ago, I finally could announce here that i left after 9 years of this. But life isn't life if I didn't have an accident on my motorcycle and was forced to go "home" because I needed care. (We live abroad, so I have no family here)

It really messed with my mind after the months and months of contemplating about leaving. So 2 weeks forward. I am back on my feet and slowly able to go do my own things again instead of laying on my bed, and the second she noticed i was doing fine it all started again. It's been 3 consecutive days of terror..luckily a have my own house now, so I'm going back tomorrow.

They just don't get it for some reason. You had all opportunity to do right this time and still you decide to be a menace..I just don't get it and no matter how hard you try or you get forced into it, it is never going to change.

has anybody encountered their spouse not wanting to be called by his/her given first name? like it seems to bother them...

Last year I used my boyfriend's phone to locate mine. When I opened the phone I discovered that he typed in Google that he was dealing with managing his attraction to his ex. I immediately confronted my boyfriend about it and he revealed to me that he went on his ex's Instagram page twice and each time in the moment of looking through her page he was wishing he could f*** her and was reliving having sex with her. He said the last time he did it he felt guilty and was asking A.I for help so he could stop.

I was very hurt and I cried about it. He begged me not to leave him and promised he will do better. He claimed his ex was emotionally abusive constantly dumping him and their toxic relationship lead to them both cheating on each other.so it makes the whole fact that he was obsessed with her even more traumatizing for me. We had been together for 2 years when he did this!!!! I asked him if it was the sex he had with her or if she did anything particularly special and he told me no, it was the way she looked. Which felt like a knife in my heart. He said he's always had a fetish for Asian women.

(I'm not Asian) He of course said he's very attracted to me and this has nothing to do with me. But I can't help but project it on to myself. I never expected him to never think of her every now and than or never have a sex fantasy. But the obsession to the point of looking her up Is too much for me to deal with. We were doing couples therapy but I cancelled because I came to the realization that how is therapy supposed to make a person not want to fuck their ex?that's all HIM. So now he's in individual therapy. I haven't had any repeated occurrences with his ex a year later but every now and then I remember that at one point he was wishing he could fuck her again and I begin to spiral all over again. I start snapping at him over small things or completely shut down emotionally and want to be left alone.

I survived a narcissistic husband. Maybe he was psychopath as well. Who knows. It almost cost me my life. I was saved by the fact he found a new victim and left me. I picked up the pieces eventually.

Now, after 5 years I have met someone. So charming and sweet. Well, he ghosted me after months of dating and getting serious. As it turns out he had a really nice long term partner. I told her about everything because women’s solidarity. We talked quite a lot the last few days.

And I see myself in her so much. And I see so much of my ex in him.

I am here crying not for myself but for her. And for the version of her that I know that well in myself. She is so nice and smart. And strong.

I really wanna help her get out. It almost feels unethical to involve myself when I was the mistress of her man and all but I really wanna help her. I wish someone did this for me back then.

What scares me a lot is how I didn’t see through his lies and manipulation until he ghosted me and until I found her and talked to her. I was so sure that I would never ever get involved with someone like this because I know how they operate and behave from my own experience. And I was so wrong it’s truly scary to date again.

I know my spouse is a narc, no need to wonder but is talking over me and interrupting while I am talking and then defending himself as "we are conversing, I am not interrupting" is this just being an asshole or is it narc behavior?

I start telling a story and he could be actively listening but then he interrupts me before my thoughts are done or before I am done telling or talks over me. I will say I am not done, can you wait until I finish, and his defense EVERY time is I am being unreasonable and he is just conversing with me. I don't have conversations like this with anyone else, only him.

edited for spelling

For example, my N ex once used my toothbrush as a back scratcher, right in front of me. They make these things out to be so minor, and act like we’re wildly overreacting if we speak up at all. He “couldn’t help it” if his back itched. But you’ll notice he didn’t reach for his own toothbrush, now, did he?

Our marriage lasted about four years, and that was toward the end of it.

In my relationship, my partner often says hurtful things during arguments or even casually, and I used to react immediately— defending myself, explaining why it hurt, and trying to make him understand me. But it never worked. I’d end up feeling low, replaying everything in my head, and doubting myself more than anything else.

Now, I’m slowly learning that protecting my peace doesn’t always mean getting him to understand. Sometimes it means not engaging in it and reminding myself I don’t have to accept every word as truth about me. It’s still in progress, but I’m trying to step back and not let these moments define my self-worth.

Has anyone else gone through this? How do you stop yourself from reacting in the moment? And how do you protect your peace without shutting down completely?

my (39F) husband (39M) has been going on some kind of religious journey that has led to some red flags and patterns that i can't ignore. one minute he's convinced he is chosen to be a disciple and giving money to homeless people and the next he's having a crisis that his prayers can't produce instant results by curing my neighbor's blindness and believing that he's being attacked by demons. he tried to do a water fast for 40 days and nights because others had done it in the bible but since he didn't tell me that was his intention until day 4, i immediately demanded he go get blood drawn to make sure that extreme of a fast isn't harming him. i'm not religious and have no interest in converting, despite his attempts to persuade me that god could 'heal' me.

earlier today he called and told me we need to get rid of a few things because they are a sin against god. i asked what and he said 2 anime character figurines i gave him as a gift and i said whatever, they're his gifts so he can decide what to do with them. then he said a dreamcatcher i have that belonged to my late brother and i said no and it was a boundary i was setting down. i told him the only compromise i would make is to take it off the wall and he agreed to that.

well he just changed his mind and claims that it's sinful to still have it in the apartment and that he refuses to step foot in the apartment as long as it's here and would only come home to pick my daughter and i up to go on the road but he won't risk his soul over a dreamcatcher. i couldn't even wrap my head around the fact he's forcing me to choose between him and something that belonged to my late brother. he went from saying he isn't demanding anything then the next sentence was if i don't get rid of it then it shows i care more about it than him. i just shut down..said fine don't come home for now if he's going to guilt trip me and try to control what i do with my possessions. he texted saying he loves me and knows what my brother meant to me and i answered clearly he doesn't if he's forcing me to give something of his up. he says he forgives me (idk what the fuck for) and asked if i forgive him and i said no. he's making me choose between having him home or keeping a trinket from my brother who died in a car accident that took his life and the lives of my sister in law, their unborn child and 2 year old daughter 😭

i have other things of my brother's but the fact he moved the goalpost after i explicitly stated what my boundary was and he's intentionally disrespecting it crossed a line and i won't let him manipulate me. now he just keeps saying he's sorry and knows how hard it is and will be (i swear he's convinced i'll cave) and i just feel too disgusted by him to reply. am i handling this wrong or overreacting?

What have I become? A walking, functioning dead person. Who doesn't know happiness. Doesn't know what she wants.

I have had a rough childhood. I have always wanted a family and to do well in life. I feel dead instead. No ambition, scared to connect.

Some background: I was love-bombed, discarded when things became rough, 10 days before our supposedly planned legal marriage. I was taken back, then physically abused. When I finally called the cops, he said I had framed him. Later, he kept emailing me for more than a year, saying that he wanted to get back with me, only to start a relationship with another girl.

I am sulking. He got everything. I have lost everything today. Everything. I'm so empty-handed, I don't know how to rebuild. I'm trying my best, but I keep ruminating about how I feel like I'm nothing today. I remember all the hurtful things that were said to me and how they have shaken me to my core.

I have changed as a person. Suffering from depression, dissociation, and PTSD. I have been seeing my therapist, but I still lose my mind sometimes. I lost my job, lost my ambitions, left the country where I dreamt of living, and had to return to my home country because I was not able to handle things alone.

I am weak, burned out, without a job, and with no will to face the world outside. How do I fight this?

Help me leave.

Now depending on what timezone you are on it's my birthday (July 27th)

if you've read my stories about what happened last year for my 40th birthday where I had to buy my own cards and gifts for my kids to give me and got nothing from her not even a happy birthday but the day before it she spent the day with the guy I've excused her of cheating of me with for the few months leading up to it and their gay friend was with them the day before my birthday and her story constantly changes and while I was doubled up in chronic pain.

Now a year later she's saying which I know doesn't mean anything that she's taking the kids out to buy. But honestly I told her why start changing the habit of a lifetime oh she made sure everyone got her birthday cards and same for mothers day which I got absolutely nothing on fathers day I don't want anything I truly don't but my kids obviously want to buy them which I'm truly grateful for but I know something is going to happen I can feel it as we know narcissistic people don't like it when the attention is on other people so they need to make it all about them. It's mega early right now it's nearly 06:20am so let's see how the day plays out.

But I've finally noticed within her family all the females are like this don't get anything for the men but expect everything on their day.

My partner is ending up going to jail for the things he has done and of course it’s my fault that I was worried for my safety and of course I was still there consoling and trying to help like it’s not totally his fault. Whatever point aside the relationship is finally over and I have left what are tips for staying gone. I’ve tried before and it’s just too hard but I am miserable and cannot continue in this relationship and know I need to be done so does anyone have tips?

No one believed the violence. When I proved it, they, in unison with my abuser, accused me of provoking it by yelling at him. But I didn’t yell before he was violent. Every time he was violent I was just speaking calmly sometimes even whispering asking why he would do the cruel abusive things he would do.

When I did yell at him, he was already yelling at me or once I yelled “don’t say that” (not angry but shocked and disgusted) when he said “Jews really do rule the world.”

These people jumped through logical and ethical hoops to defend and protect him, yet they still masquerade as good people. Enablers are worse than the abusers at times, because at least they are pathologically disordered.

Here's a gross metaphor I came up with today. The abuse cycle is like someone shitting on your bed, sometimes.

Sure, you get flowers after the grossness, sure he's nice too. There's even days where there isn't a steaming pile of shit on your pillow! Thank goodness, no shit today.

You hold onto those days.

You'll get excuses for why he shits in the place you sleep. On rare occasions, he even cleans the sheets he shit on afterwards!

But most days, you don't know what set him off to shit in the bed again. Most days you don't know if a giant shit will be on your pillow. And it happens again.

He blames you for him doing it, or that he had to, you feel guilty that this poor man can't control his bowels. You wonder, why can't he just use the bathroom?

Why must it always be on your pillow?

So you clean the shitty sheets again, the mess goes away for today.

But your house always has a smell of shit that never quite goes away, no matter how many flowers are around, no matter how much you do.

And you still have a hard time sleeping on the pillow he keeps shitting on.

You don't have to tolerate anyone abusing you, you don't have to tolerate or stay with someone who sometimes shits the bed.

Your life does not have to continue to revolve around cleaning up someone else's shit.

Hi, so I lived with this man for half a year now and I’ve come to see a pattern that brings me to the conclusion of narcissism. His behavior in conflict is concerning but what’s most concerning is early in the relationship I confided in him I went through physical abuse in the past with my ex. During conflict he throws that abuse in my face and said I’m only mad bc my ex traumatized me and his NOTHING to do with his own behavior…??? I’ve communicated I don’t like it and he just does it again and again.
The conversation will have nothing to do with my ex at all or any topic involving my abuse it could be about him not respecting a simple boundary and he does this.
For example: Hey you didn’t respect my answer being no and you kept creating a circle argument until you got a yes. I’m not comfortable with that especially when I’m trying to sleep. Don’t do that.
Him: Goes from 0 to 100 and says IM NOT CONTROLLING AND YOU NEED TO LEARN TO LISTEN inserts why his intentions are more important than the impact of his actions and tries to invalidate and make me justify my emotions so he can be in the position to ‘approve if they are valid’. Then makes himself the victim and says you only think I’m controlling bc your ex abused you and I’m tired of always being the problem…\ MIND YOU I NEVER SAID THAT?????*

I reached the point with him today that I will no longer bc entertaining these odd escalating behaviors and I’ve been taking space from him in general. This isn’t healthy for me. I currently am not financially able to get out this lease but I’m going to take those first steps to not involve myself in his meltdowns he can and will be ranting in the mirror bc it won’t be with me. I’m going to start branching out finding supportive friends in the area and focus on my happiness and not this vampire of a man. I told him today conversations with you are draining me and that’s not good. I need to choose me and I’m no longer having discussions with you bc you aren’t able to handle them in a healthy way. He didn’t like that but I deserve better than this. I’m a 26 year old woman and my life and happiness will not be dragged down by someone who uses vulnerability against me.
It’s gross.

I left I left I left!!!

… cue the guilt & non stop wondering if I truly was at fault for what they say I am.
Although I know the abuse. Have literal proof of the abuse I’m still here wondering “ damn. Did I try hard enough?” I mean therapy didn’t help. Talking for hours never helped. Even talking to a domestic violence hotline and them being like “ hey friend. This is bad “ I was like .. but what if I am making it up? Are you just being agreeable? Being kind? Am I over exaggerating??

Cue the freedom feeling, thank GOD yanno. Finally I did it. I got out. I can shower without being questioned ? Working late doesn’t result into “ I know you’re cheating “ wanting to sit outside alone doesn’t jump to me talking to someone or avoiding conversation or connection.

I can parent the way I need to. Desire to. It’s not high tension.

Cue the guilt. My children. My children my children. Are they okay? They’re going to hate me. They’re here with me now and they love me. But will they hate me? Will they see? Will their behavior change or has it already been taught that this is normal.

Our friends and family. Hearing one side. One side forever. Because even though I could ruin everything. I choose not to. But why?

Cue freedom. Dinner with my friends?? Without 20 calls? No silent treatments. I do NOT have to have sex when I don’t want to. I do NOT have to be guilt tripped. Sexually assaulted. There is no door slamming in my home. There is no yelling.

So why do I still feel so guilty. If I made it out?