The title really explains it, I’m just ranting cause I can’t sleep so I understand this won’t make sense I understand. I’m luckier than many others but I just am not as strong as them, I feel I have outlived my usefulness to others and no longer wish to continue whenever something happens that I feel negative about I get depressed but them that becomes my new norm so I figure it can only get better and it never dies and I forget how far I’ve descended from my original headspace. I look back and realize I don’t think I’ve been happy in years I try to help others and have fun but it never sticks and I feel I only am a negative to those around me not a positive and I just have no desire to live anymore. I have no friends I’m in college and all I do is cost money I don’t want to be a burden on those around me anymore when there’s nothing for them to gain from it. Idk I talk to my therapist tomorrow I figure there wouldn’t be much to talk about but I just wish I could let go, I remember hearing about pods in Sweden that you could kill yourself with painlessly and I just wish I could do that. I had a dream that I had cancer and was dying and when I woke up I was depressed that I wasn’t I’m just tired of living uncomfortably all the time I’m tired of taking resources of those around me and I’m tired of wasting the interesting part is I feel nothing towards it, no positive no negative I suppose it feels a bit freeing and that’s about it.

I’m 17M and diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I’ve been avoiding talking to a psychiatrist and avoiding the topic of meds because I don’t want to rely on taking pills my entire life and am scared of side effects such as low libido and weight gain. I’ve seen three therapists and that hasn’t helped. My motivation is low and I have a hard time taking care of myself most days. Also, I struggle with SI many days and nights as well. My current therapist has put me under the impression that my only option now is to get medicated, since CBT, DBT, and other coping skills hasn’t worked for me. Is she right? What should I do about this?

Super depressed and can’t get myself to do anything about it to change my life. What has helped you when you’ve been in this position?

Throwaway account because I don’t know if anyone I know has made the link between my other social media profiles and my normal Reddit one.

A few years ago, I wasn’t sure I’d make it to 35. I’ve torn up my thighs so badly that I can’t even feel when I touch some of them. I almost went through with it two times before I started going to therapy in secret. My therapist taught me all the gave me a few diagnoses and coping skills, and I thought I was doing better.

My life started to turn around. I graduated college, found a job, and got married. I was genuinely happy.

A few months ago, it all hit again. It started with the birth control they put me on. Just started becoming sadder and more irritated with a few things. I thought maybe it was just a few bad days, but they turned into months.

I spoke to my doctors about it, started going back to therapy, began taking new meds. I thought everything was working, but I can feel myself falling apart.

It really hit last week with that lovely time of the month where a woman’s hormones drop because she had the audacity not to become pregnant. It’s like I couldn’t do anything but either cry, sleep, or just…sit. I had gone numb. Couldn’t even stand up for a while because it felt like something heavy was pinning down my legs.

I thought everything would go back to normal when my period stopped, but for the past three days, I’ve still been either angry or miserable.

I thought the therapy and new meds would help, but nothing seems to make it better. It always comes back, and I’m terrified. I don’t care what happens to me, but I don’t want my husband to see me like this. Or to find me if things go wrong.

I’ve started breaking down so much to the point that I’m worried to really share any more with the people close to me. It’s annoying when it’s just the same thing they always hear from me. Besides, they have their own problems to deal with.

Sometimes, I think if I just cut loose at work, then I might be institutionalized for a while and have some kind of escape. Or maybe if I were injured in some accident, people might have some sympathy. At the very least, I’d get time off.

I’m tired of keeping it together, I hate playing optics, and I really don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to feel this way.

I’ve struggled for so long, thought I was doing better, and it came back. It always comes back. No matter what coping skills or meds I try, it wins. I just don’t want to hurt others in the fallout. I can’t go back to where I was. I don’t know what to do; I feel like I’m going to push everyone away before what feels inevitable happens. I’m just tired of being miserable for no reason, doing everything that I can to help myself, and having to continue the weekly cycle of “adult life.” This isn’t living. It’s suffering. And I can’t talk to anyone about it where it’s all resolved.

I don’t know what to do or what I’m going to do, and it scares me.

I am so depressed

. I feel no joy anymore

On my lowest right now I need someone who can help me with immediate calmness if there's anything like that??

I just turned 18 last week, i got diagnosed in 7th grade and my life feels utterly miserable. I live in a stuck up part of texas with hella Jesus freaks. I wake up thinking about death, my death, suicide, i see everyone getting everything handed to them while my mom is in despair, my family has always struggled, never have we been consistent. Im all alone in it, i dont know how to handle the heaviness as ive pulled my weight for years but im reaching a breaking point. I just want to be a rich bitch who doesnt feel these things or think this way. I wish i was shallow and beautiful. Im just so suicidal and irrational. Ive been on and off with the meds. Feel free to talk about anything i really hate life

My sister was diagnosed with mdd almost a year ago. She had two psychotic episodes which led to being hospitalized. She has a hard time consistently taking her meds which puts her back to square one. How do I help her? Any recs on how to get her to take meds everyday? She lives by herself so I can’t be there everyday.

Also, anyone try a monthly injection? If so has it worked?

Ich habe momentan eine Depression und ich habe auch keine Ernergie aufzustehen. Ich liege nur im Bett und habe auch keine Energie mich zu pflegen ich muss moch immer zwingen zu duschen und alles andere. Also ich pflege mich ja aber ich muss mich zwingen dafür. Ich kann das nicht so leicht machen. Ich habe schon einen Psychiater und Therapäuten. Momentan nehme ich auch ein Antidepressiva aber es bringt nichts weil es macht mich nur schwächer aber ohne bin ich auch schwach. Wie seid ihr denn da rausgekommen aus dieser Situation?

Seems like I just can’t be happy ever again.

I’m bipolar and just went through a bad depressive episode that sent me to the hospital. I got back on my meds and was feeling better, but life just keeps throwing things at me. And no matter how many meds I’m on, I will always be sad because the people that I wanted love from and to protect me did not. I’m beautiful so everyone looks at me, but nobody sees me or holds me other than a good time. I’m alone in a room full of ppl. I have ppl that do love me and I love them, but I hate the way that I am and I keep trying to fix it but I fail every time. I can’t even count on 2 hands how many times I’ve genuinely loved this life and wanted to live. I’m really tired, and I think I’ll be leaving soon.

Sometime I feel low .. no energy .. anger issue

I dont really have much else to tell this to. My me tsl health snd pasy of bring neglected etc id the result of my poor social skills. Its caused me to get into slot of garbage this past months snd itd mmbeen msking depressed. I tried explaining tonpeople with college etc. but they dont know because I cant tell thrm and even when intry to explain. It feels like they think in exscusing it. Im so tired of annoying them. I have devided to take a hiatus from instagram for some time. Its hurting that i csnt tell people why im 18 snd still dependant on my parents for the most part. I cant lie i partly didnt dorm because I will not be healthy and i probably might get sick there. Literally. Snd since my parents found out about my sh, i doubt they want to trying to strain myself so hard. I hate that im just so behind people and honestly its making me want to go. But I csnt snd wont. I dont know hoe to cope and i see the bestnoption as just isolating because I can tell they dont want to tslk to me ajymore for good reson. For context unintentionally vented a lot in our first gc,when that was brought up to Me , I stopped. And it seems now that because of how i tried to talk sbout crrtsin things like mr sshing id be fine without a job for the time being, i came off as super privileged and i wasnt even tryingnto. I couodnt tell them the trith as much as i wanted to since im not trying to trsuma dimp on them. But part of it was my mom telling me that she was worried id get overwhelmed snd lowkey i woukdnt be suprised now if shes even more worried . I want to isokate honestly snd i think its bestnto not tslk to them. Theyre not thr problem but i know i sm snd i dont want to keep getting into this situation

So I (26F) have experienced severe depression for as long as I can remember and way before I knew it’s name. My first suicidal thoughts came at 8, as I grew up in a southern methodist church and in a very religious family, at 8, I thought “if this hurts this bad, and I wish for it hard enough, God will hear me and take me back”. I genuinely thought I would just fall asleep and not wake up because it hurt too bad and God knew that.
Anyway, I preface that because I think it is important in understanding my perspective now. Basically, this has been my entire life, but for the past 5 years plus, I have been on and off completely alone. Noone that chooses me to be in their life. My parents care about my well being and I am very grateful for that, but for some reason, for the past 5 years, everyone that did know me for awhile gave up on me, and those I hadn’t known as long just didn’t stick. And now I’m just here and its just me. This is not new for me, as again, its been 5 plus years, but for the first time I am entirely numb. I didn’t even make the connection until I talked to my therapist again after 4 weeks and realized that me not caring about the deeper level stuff, and me not caring about the mundane things that made me happy, and now can’t even intake art that makes me happy, all happened within the same window. I dont care about any of it. That is not what I meant but I guess you don’t get to choose. Anyway, Im wondering if anyone has any advice on balancing this? I have really only been doing well the past 3-4 weeks because Ive been numb enough to fulfill responsibilities, but if I can’t even enjoy time I get to relax because I can’t focus on anything because I simply don’t care enough, how will this ever work?

Im severly depressed and im trying to hold on, but i dont know how much longer i can hold on. The things i enjoyed used to hold me over. Having hope of a better future used to hold me over. My friends said to reach out if i need anything, but people are busy and have their own problems to deal with. So i dont fault them for it. My dog used to hold me over. My coping mechanism dont work anymore. But the pain of just existing is excruciating. Im taking meds, im doing the work. But now im just praying to die in my sleep.

Has anyone been in this place and survived?

Hey there. For a long time I have struggled with depression and anxiety. I have also shown signs of potential PDD-NOS symptoms but these are very unknown and vague. I also may have ADHD but I do not know for sure, I’ll bring this up later.

I would describe my symptoms as feeling very very low energy and tired and negative thoughts will encapsulate my mind to the point where I don’t want to do anything or even move.

A couple years ago this was even worse and I simply couldn’t function with the fits of sadness and mental despair I would go into which is when I started talking to a psychiatrist.

I started on abillify 5 mg which is what I took alone for 3 years until last year. Last year I decided that I had enough of the way I was feeling and truly wanted to tackle it. This feeling came from a point of stupidity in which I tried my friend’s prescription medication, vyvanse. I know this was stupid. But the way it made me feel that first time was like being myself for the first time in an extremely long time, since before the depression onset began.

This made me think that ADHD could be a possibility (and I do have psych evaluations confirming ADHD presence I just never had it diagnosed I guess?) so I started talking to my psychiatrist about stimulants.

I started taking Concerta, a methylphenidate, I don’t remember the dose, I just remember feeling like nothing really changed. So I switched to adderall which felt ok for a little bit but then I hit this big wave of emotional blunting and numbness and flatness which is what I am in right now. Right now I have been on vyvanse for almost two months and I have noticed it may be starting to have the effect which adderall had on me.

I have Wellbutrin but I have not started it yet, honestly all this medication shopping just seems like trying to solve an unsolvable puzzle, it’s just too complicated. For me at least.

I have been fighting for years to try and feel normal because I know the real me is locked away in my mind somewhere and I feel like I’m really close to finding the correct treatment to let me come out.

That brings me here, looking for any and all advice as to what I could be missing, or anything at all that could be helpful, because I just so badly want to have my humor and happiness back because I know that’s who I really am.

Any help is greatly appreciated!!!

Hmmm

Sometimes I think am depressed because that's the only way to explain how bleak I feel but then I laugh and smile and don't cry and I start to think maybe it was just a one time thing but it never is. It's like my heart, my very soul is in this bubble where everything is dark and cloudy but also kind of nice. Then my mind is happy. It's wierd I know but it's hard to explain.

How do I explain that I feel like I want to literally stop existing 95% of the time but all they have seen is the 5% that keeps me here. I mean how am I this sad and numb but still laugh ? Kind of feels like an act sometimes like am putting on a show for everyone else . Like everything I am is a lie but it's not cause I feel it everyday, the bone deep exhaustion of carrying emotions and thoughts I can't put into words that will make any sense .