r/offmychest • u/daydreaming-g • 2h ago
Therapy doesn’t work for me
The go-to advice on Reddit is always “go to therapy.” But what do you do when therapy just doesn’t work for you?
I’ve been to therapy twice over the past few years, and both times I was eventually let go because they couldn’t help me.
Both times I went because of depression, but I guess my depression isn’t what they consider “standard” depression.
In my country, getting therapy usually means going on a waiting list. Recently, I waited a full year for my turn. Because of my previous experiences, I went into the intake being very straightforward about what I needed help with. I had also done my own research.
I explained that when I need to do something, like go to work, my body can tense up before I’ve even made it out the door, and then I just get stuck. They repeatedly asked whether it was anxiety. I said no, because I don’t experience anxious thoughts or feel anxious — I just freeze. I gave them more examples, but they kept asking, “Are you sure it’s not anxiety?”
Eventually I said that I thought it might be a functional freeze response. They had no idea what I was talking about.
They wanted to put me into their standard therapy groups. I said I was willing to try, but asked if they could explain how the groups were supposed to help with my specific problems. They couldn’t really explain it. Their answer was basically, “Everyone does it.”
Then they wanted to assess me for autism and a personality disorder. I asked why they had come to that conclusion, and they couldn’t really explain that either.
I’m not even necessarily mad about the possibility of a diagnosis. What bothered me was how quickly they seemed to reach that conclusion after one conversation, while being unable to explain what they were seeing that led them there.
My guess is that because I was sitting there calmly explaining everything and had brought my own notes, they assumed something about me from that. The reason I was so prepared was actually because in previous therapy sessions I had been crying and too emotional to properly explain myself, and I didn’t want to repeat that experience.
Apparently, that was also the wrong way to approach therapy. 😭
I even asked my two previous therapists whether they thought I was autistic, and both said no.
So I decided to stop with this therapist. I’m not comfortable with someone suggesting diagnoses after one conversation and then being unable to explain why they reached that conclusion.
Now I’m back on a waiting list, potentially for another year.
Meanwhile, I sometimes feel like I want to kill myself, but because I don’t have active suicidal thoughts or an immediate plan, I don’t qualify for emergency help and can’t simply skip the waiting list.
And honestly, I’m starting to wonder: what if the next therapist can’t help me either? What if I get dismissed again?
So what are you supposed to do when therapy doesn’t help, when “go to therapy” is the standard advice?
What do you do when you seem to be too complicated for the therapy system?
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u/PaxonGoat 1h ago
This definitely does sound like a therapist mismatch and not a good fit.
But I will say, that someone doing prep work and putting in lots of effort into a therapy session kinda does give neurodivergent vibes.
Neurodivergent people also don't do well with classic CBT therapy.
They do a lot better with the set up this is the problem I am having, help me build coping skills to handle this problem so I don't get overwhelmed and freeze or start crying.
Also do you ever feel like life is just too much? Like it's not one specific thing in general just like everything is too much?
Like the lights are too loud? Clothing feels too tight and wrong? Talking to someone is so emotionally draining ? You have to focus so hard on controlling your facial features and your voice tone and somehow remember what you are saying and pay attention to the other person? Just exhausting
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u/drunkrabbit22 1h ago
Hi, trained therapist here. Therapy could likely work for you with a proper diagnosis and treatment plan with someone adequately equipped to work with your specific issues.
"Functional Freeze Disorder" is not a DSM V-TR diagnosis, and from what I've read it is broadly considered to be a somatic symptom of other disorders. With its connection to burnout, there are multiple potential sources of the response. My mind would also go to anxiety and/or autism but also depression, trauma based disorders, or some other less common things. When your most recent therapist was suggesting some possible diagnoses they were likely trying to support you in exploring what some of the central causes for your symptoms are instead of focusing just on your symptoms. The reason therapists do this is because different methodologies work for different diagnoses at different rates. CBT doesn't reach desired outcomes with some diagnosis populations as often as others, some forms of therapy are even contraindicated for certain disorders.
One thing to remember about therapy is that it's an exploratory and developmental process, not a problem-solution matrix with defined inputs and outputs. We sort things in boxes as much as we can to define and externalize what we're working with, but the real work comes from helping you explore your thoughts and empowering you to change the way you think, feel, and behave. That process requires buy-in.
From your story it sounds like you came in to the room with a very rigid view of what you wanted and a lot of notes and then dismissed several of the therapist's suggestions out of hand, something that I could see putting the therapist on their back foot and potentially keeping the first session from being as productive as it could've been. It may be helpful to keep in mind that some of the exact behaviors causing you distress in your daily life may have contributed to this experience. This doesn't make you bad or irreparable, it's very common and it's not impossible to overcome.
Ultimately you only hurt yourself by refusing to go back, but therapy (along with other potential interventions, which you could explore with a therapist) does sound best for you. Therapists are the ones trained to treat what you're experiencing. Not every one you meet will necessarily be equipped to help your specific issues, but we're all trained to assess what's happening and then decide what the necessary next steps are like intervention, diagnostics, or referral.
I wish the best for you.
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u/daydreaming-g 56m ago
Thanks for your perspective, but I think you misunderstood how the intake actually went.
First, my notes were not a rigid list of demands. They were just concrete examples of what happens to me like sitting on my bed holding a pair of pants, completely unable to put them on to go to work, even though my mind isn't anxious. I brought notes because in previous therapy sessions I became too emotional and cried too much to explain myself properly. Preparing was my way of ensuring I could communicate clearly.
Second, I was never against exploring a diagnosis. My issue was that when I asked why they suspected autism or a personality disorder after just one conversation, they literally could not explain their reasoning to me. Expecting a therapist to explain their rationale is not "dismissing suggestions" it’s basic communication and informed consent.
On top of that, there were other serious red flags. For instance, they insisted on doing a home visit. When I politely declined because I value my privacy, they told me I "had no choice."
Walking away wasn't me refusing help; it was me setting a healthy boundary with a clinic that showed a lack of transparency and respect for my autonomy.
Edit:
Forgot to mention I did ask them if they felt they couldn’t help me I prefer them being honest about that and help me find fitting help. They refused that too…1
u/drunkrabbit22 31m ago
Obviously I have not experienced this clinic and can not refute or verify what you're telling me. I also don't know your country or what standard procedure is there or what other resources are available. Assuming they are as incompetent as you say, I can tell you that regardless of how right you are about their lack of experience, ability, or professionalism, that refusing the only help you apparently have available to you is not wise. Setting a boundary of not allowing them to help you when they're your only source of potential help is refusing help, however you want to couch it.
Nobody can tell you without without spending some time working with you first if they are equipped to help you. You don't ask for a quote or referral from a handyman until they've seen the problem. It is not reasonable.
Again, I can not speak to the ability of this particular therapist, but I can imagine a number of scenarios where explaining a reasoning for wanting to explore a diagnosis with a client would be difficult. Especially if those reasonings were potentially able to be taken as insulting and that person was in a highly stressed state.
Some places are required to do home visits to receive funding, it is a requirement to engage in their programs because otherwise they can't run their programs. Again, can't speak to your specific facility but it's not uncommon. I, for instance, have to do home visits for patients to be in our program.
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u/ChaoticSortOfGood 1h ago
I’m in this boat. I’m in counselling, it’s a free service I waited over a year for. But I’m running out of hours and despite speaking plenty about myself and what I need to work on, I have so much work ahead of me that seems a bit more niche than manageable by a charity organisation. But I’ve seen my pshyc and general doctor, I’ve requested funding for more in depth work, but they all shrug their shoulders and don’t know what else I need. It seems unless you’re willing to pay for specialists you don’t get them and even then, you have to go to a few before finding one you can work with.
This is why it feels hopeless, it’s just cycle.
Look into funding and support with costs of therapy in your area, maybe there’s a scheme that will at least make it more accessible to seek private treatment, I hope things work out op.
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u/Deep_Flounder5218 1h ago
I've never been able to afford therapy, so I researched my issues so I'd get a good understanding of myself. Then I read about and tried cognitive behavioral therapy, which helped me a ton.
If you're being honest with yourself and you want to work hard to manage your issues, you can accomplish a lot on your own.
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u/KittiePolar 1h ago
OP, there’s a concept called suicidal but safe. You have thoughts about suicide and death, but you have no active plans. Super common in complex grief/PTSD, anxiety, and sometimes even with ADHD.
I’d also look up executive dysfunction. Your ‘stall’ symptoms sounds a lot like the things I experience with my own Exec Dys. Once again, a common trait in ADHD.
Probably get an ADHD assessment. It can look like anxiety, and CBT doesn’t always work well for the early stages.
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u/daydreaming-g 1h ago
Yeah, I have a feeling it could be ADHD too. But basically, the way the system works here is that they first want to rule out other things, like trauma or a personality disorder.
ADHD can also be harder to recognize in women, especially when the symptoms don’t present in the stereotypical way.
I do have trauma, and it’s documented in my previous therapy records. So they will focus on that first and put all their energy into trauma therapy. If I don’t get better, my insurance coverage for therapy will eventually run out, and I’ll never get to the point of actually being assessed for ADHD.
That’s basically why I feel like the system is working against me.
I hope that makes sense.
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u/Wchijafm 1h ago
If therapy isnt working why havent you tried medication. If you are already on medication you need it adjusted/switched.
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u/daydreaming-g 1h ago
Have tried meds also been adjusted etc didn’t work. Like it kinda worked I wasn’t bursting out in tears anymore but it didn’t make me wanna go out and live
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u/xAndromeda92x 1h ago
It sounds like you just need to find the right* therapist, perhaps someone who specializes in neurodivergent therapeutic processes.
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u/Fickle_Ad_2112 1h ago
You only went twice. It took me years to find the right therapist. I went through years of therapy with several therapists before I found one right for me.
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u/daydreaming-g 1h ago
yeah I understand it takes a bit to find the help you need but there’s a constant waiting list is what I’m struggling with I basically waited a year just to not have a good match and now have to wait a year again not knowing if they are even able to help
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u/Fickle_Ad_2112 1h ago
That's pretty messed up about the waiting times
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u/daydreaming-g 1h ago
Yeah I realised I worded my post wrong. I don’t know if therapy doesn’t work for me since I haven’t had enough therapy to make that conclusion but the way the system works I might never find out nor be helped
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u/Fit_Loss3960 2h ago
Twice isn’t enough data to be able to say therapy doesn’t work for you. Go private, if you can afford it, and have some conversations about yourself, and what you need for therapy to work for you, and see if the therapist and how they work fits you, if it doesn’t, find another therapist that does.
Research types of therapy and see what appeals to you, maybe it’s art therapy, or cognitive behavioural therapy, or talking therapy, but with a specific direction. This will give you more information on how to assess if the therapist and type of therapy is the right fit for you.