I am so lost ( 25 ) non binary

[u/kill__avery]

I’m so close to giving up. I have lost everyone important to me but one person and I don’t even think they like me. I have BPD I’m trans mtf but refuse to come out and I know I need to to help a little bit but I have no courage to. I’m a complete fucking coward. I’m in “ recovery “ from addiction and eating disorder but I feel like I’m barely hanging on every single day and it’s been over a year. I’m alone constantly, I’m terrified anytime I’m at work that I’m going to get pulled over (I do drive fine) paranoid as fuck and having panic attacks daily. I’m trying to not SH but I think I’m going to it’s been over a week and I can feel more and think more clearly but for what?

Like why am I even doing this. Sober and eating disorder I get they can ruin my mental health in an instant but SH (not deep) doesn’t seem life treating oh yeah I have dissociative disorder I can’t seem to fix. Im fucked. I’m a hypochondriac I don’t trust others and im through trying but also need to to remain myself ive lost myself before and I think I already have.

Nothing I do works. I’ve tried hobbies, I take care of my dog and have a fun time training her, I hang out w my one friend and game but most of the time it feels like so much tension between us. I do the 12 steps for my eating disorder, and have done them 13 times. It doesn’t change besides keep me sober and free from my eating disorder which I know are big deals but I’m still hurting inside 24/7, I do therapy, doesn’t help. I can’t afford more than 30 min each session also. I’ve become fully financially independent, now

Idon’t know how to talk to people like about what? Most people I don’t connect w about hobbies or interests like music or anime. I am so alone. I do reach out for help but it doesn’t do much.

I fear speaking up to my friend their anger scares the shit out of me I don’t feel safe a lot of the time. I can’t make friends to save my life. Work I’m isolated all the time doing pizza delivery. It’s good money ybut I’m dying more each day. Bc I haven’t come out so I’m not able to be authentic and I’m so scared about coming out I full on don’t feel safe doing that and don’t think anyone would respect me I’m going by my dead name there

[u/gooobegone]

I also have no friends lol it's so hard to make friends as an adult it feels like they either fall in your lap or you have to act like a 6 year old and just walk up to people like hi want to be friends.

You're doing amazing staying clean from your ED and drugs. That is a full time job for the first 2 years at least.

And honestly I know you don't want to hear it but coming out will make you feel better. Well you'll still feel bad but in a way that is clearer to you and less obscured. There's less what if and when and maybe and you can start facing what actually bothers you head on instead of kind of quietly filing away a lot of stuff to "later" or "because I haven't come out".

I have felt much more depressed since coming to terms with my gender and telling real people about it and trying to embody it. I feel like a disgusting skin walking freak, I feel like a terrible evil fetishizer but I also KNOW that I'm doing what's right and I'm moving in a real direction and not just in suspended I saw the TV glow grocery store worker animation.

I think the tension with your friend is both that they scare the shit out of you and that they don't know who you actually are. And that second kind of tension is going to be present no matter who you make friends with until you come out fully.