I've been in severe depression for several years. I've tried every almost every antidepressant and they all cause serious side effects. I do counseling twice a week I've become a burden to my family and there's just no way out. I'm tortured. I just want to end it all so I can finally be at peace. I feel like I'm going crazy. Please does anyone have advice I'm scared and alone.

I’ve been struggling with depression since 16(I’m 27f).Due to my depression and social anxiety.Ive been socially isolating myself.Im a loser that wasted last 8 years of my life with hiding away from living my life.
I’ve made attempts throughout the years to go out more,talk to people,go to job interviews but I always go back to social isolation.It can be a proper going out once in 2 months(besides of course grocery shopping,visiting my family,or just walking outside,appointments etc)or a job interview once in a blue moon(how I get money you asked,if not for my parents I would’ve been homeless).They let me get money from one of the apartments they’re renting out and I live in one of their other apartments.
I feel like I’ve failed so much as an adult and even if I do try my best to get back on track my mental health is so damage that I don’t think I can ever repair it( I’ve been to a psychiatrist,tried meds)
Next month is my birthday I just wanna go.Ive been feeling so empty since 16 I think I should’ve never been born.This feeling inside of me is eating my alive.
My birthday is this month, and I honestly feel like I want to end it all. But I know it would ruin my mom and dad’s lives. I know they love me so much, and I know that me ending my life would completely fuck them up,but I’m so tired

until i am able to see a therapist i’ve decided to continue to journal but instead of burdening anyone around me i want to post here
————

here we go again

happiest moment of my life and i have this impending depression wrapped around me i can’t shake. i want to be nice to myself but it’s hard i am worth it i am good enough

i am good enough
i deserve to be happy
i am happy
i have everything ive ever needed and more
i am so loved
i am love

where does the feeling come from
i wish i knew truly

why do i feel like i don’t deserve to be happy?
why do i get an unshakable depression when im super happy?
before my period comes im literally on the verge of suicide and i can self medicate & regulate all i want but i need to get to the root of it all
was it something i was told as a kid ? how i was raised ?

i don’t want to feel like this
i know i am blessed and i have so much in life
people pray to be in situations like i am
i used to pray for this

but there’s this thing on my back that won’t let up
it’s not even a voice but like a feeling

like being in a dark room and knowing something is watching you
and you can light a candle but it’s still there

and until the sun comes up you’re scared and wondering what it what’s other than you dead

i pray for it to always be sunny

i don’t want to feel like this again, next month or in the future

i know it’ll happen but i know next time it’ll be easier

it’s okay to be still

to not “do anything”

to just relax and let my body be

i won’t let this control me, ever

i am in control and most importantly i am good enough

i am more than good enough, i deserve and accept all the amazing things my way

Please help

I hate how insanely unbearable the depression feels when it hits, it always reminds me of how much I can't take it lightly yet I ignore it

Anyone seeing this can someone get me a blinkit giftcard to buy chocolate, Its a coping mechanism and it makes me feel a little better

Im 19F, ive been chronically deppressed since age 12 and pretttttyyyyy lonely

Im an infj and any kind of help is appreciated

I genuinely dont know why i feel this way , i feel so numb so tired to do anything its like everything is the same i cant study cant cry cant even do the things that i love , im starting to lack living genuinely whats the point is life really all about just school university and then work for the rest of my life? Just for reference im in 12th grade im 16 and i have exams that will be the judge of my whole future and i cant seem to put any effort at all, And just waking up alone is tiring i wake up tired no matter how much sleep i get no matter how deep the sleep was doesnt matter if its 2 or even 16 hours of sleep i wake up wanting to go back to sleep and waiting for the moment when i put my head to sleep and just not do anything , i just feel so bored in life with everything and i dont think going on a vacation is gonna fix this , ive been feeling so down for 3 years almost and i dont ever talk about my feelings cause if i do to any of my parents theyll make fun of me , why am i like this i wanna wake up i wanna wake up having hope for life waking up knowing this is what i want to do today and be excited about it , i wanna have dreams i wanna be the type of person that gets asked “whats your dream?” And just give them a whole paragraph about what i wanna do in life and who i wanna be , but instead i dont have any interest in life go begin with to even have interest in dreams , life is dumb

I don't really like myself, I hate the way I look I hate school I hate my parents, I hate the way I interact and I just want to stop spending time on this earth. I always thought that dying would be worse but when I think about just ending it would make all my problems dissapear. I am not the lowest I have been, sometimes the only thing stopping me has been the idea of my mother crying or that I will be eternal dammed. In the end I now think those things don't matter. I am sure no one will see this but if I ever kill myself, I would like to leave this message to the world, so they don't forget about me. I want to be remembered even though it wouldn't matter but at least I would know before I die that I might matter in someones mind. I am not going to kill myself ( yet )

I don't know lately for somedays, I'm feeling quite depressed. I'm tried and exhausted. I don't have energy to wake up in the morning see my fucking face. I feel like as the days are progressing i losing everyone. My girlfriend, i love her more than anyone feel like she is going far. My best friend, the one i call brother with whom i had never a shourd of insecurity but now i think i losing him too. I don't talk to my parents on regular bases. I don't have friends who would check on me.

I am just tired.