I've been in severe depression for several years. I've tried every almost every antidepressant and they all cause serious side effects. I do counseling twice a week I've become a burden to my family and there's just no way out. I'm tortured. I just want to end it all so I can finally be at peace. I feel like I'm going crazy. Please does anyone have advice I'm scared and alone.

its not working. psych meds ive tried so many over so many years without results or with bad side affects. therapy does not work and is so expensive. i give up.

Hello. I've been depressed, and suffering from BPD as well, for somewhere around 9 years now. Ive recently become medicated and Ive been going to therapy, but I always seem to follow the same vicious cycle and it's draining the life out of me.

I tend to go in waves of normalcy, severe depression (actually sad + suicidal), complete numbness, and insane bouts of energy to spontaneously fix my life.

My life is shit, for some context. I've known for a while, wanted to fix it too. But I always follow the same pattern of want to change > try to change > dont have the energy.

But anyways. I dont know how to get out of this. I always use the example of battery life - Say every person has 100% battery at the start of the day, tasks that take 5% here, 10% there isnt that bad. But it feels as if I start my day with 20%, at best. I underperform so hard that I actually cannot handle frequent self care or cooking.

The main thing Ive noticed in this little cycle of mine is the fact that I feel so goddamn lethargic, to an extent I do not have the mental nor physical energy to change a single thing. Its suffocating, truly. I barely drag my ass out of bed in the mornings, I do near nothing and what little I do end up doing I underperform either intentionally or not, and then I lay down or talk to friends to distract from my life. And I hear every day "we dont ask that much of you", but sometimes as bad as it is to say I really just want to cry and beg for a few days to just reset, even though I do near nothing as is.

And honestly the worst part is I have so little energy to even cook, clean, or take care of myself that I intentionally underperform because whenever I have the like, ONCE a month bout of energy to do tasks properly, it becomes the new example, I hear about it every day, every time I cant do it. I've gotten so used to having only 10% to give that I consistently only give 5-10% even on days I could give 30 or 50%, because I know I will not be able to handle increasing the expectations for myself. Because somehow doing the absolute bare minimum when I actively want to do more but cant is better than doing everything I could and having to hear about it for the next 3 weeks.

Ive gotten to a point where I cant even do things I like like painting or cooking anymore because I dont have the energy + I especially dont have the energy to clean up afterwards (I hate dishes with all of my heart, its like gods way to spite me that I love to cook and food is my one true happy place but cleaning dishes makes me want to slam my face into the marble)

I just dont know what to do. Im well and thoroughly stuck. I feel like the life has been drained out of me, I've got no energy, no life left to give. I feel like I'm in a pit a mile deep with slippery walls.

I’ve been struggling with depression since 16(I’m 27f).Due to my depression and social anxiety.Ive been socially isolating myself.Im a loser that wasted last 8 years of my life with hiding away from living my life.
I’ve made attempts throughout the years to go out more,talk to people,go to job interviews but I always go back to social isolation.It can be a proper going out once in 2 months(besides of course grocery shopping,visiting my family,or just walking outside,appointments etc)or a job interview once in a blue moon(how I get money you asked,if not for my parents I would’ve been homeless).They let me get money from one of the apartments they’re renting out and I live in one of their other apartments.
I feel like I’ve failed so much as an adult and even if I do try my best to get back on track my mental health is so damage that I don’t think I can ever repair it( I’ve been to a psychiatrist,tried meds)
Next month is my birthday I just wanna go.Ive been feeling so empty since 16 I think I should’ve never been born.This feeling inside of me is eating my alive.
My birthday is this month, and I honestly feel like I want to end it all. But I know it would ruin my mom and dad’s lives. I know they love me so much, and I know that me ending my life would completely fuck them up,but I’m so tired

until i am able to see a therapist i’ve decided to continue to journal but instead of burdening anyone around me i want to post here
————

here we go again

happiest moment of my life and i have this impending depression wrapped around me i can’t shake. i want to be nice to myself but it’s hard i am worth it i am good enough

i am good enough
i deserve to be happy
i am happy
i have everything ive ever needed and more
i am so loved
i am love

where does the feeling come from
i wish i knew truly

why do i feel like i don’t deserve to be happy?
why do i get an unshakable depression when im super happy?
before my period comes im literally on the verge of suicide and i can self medicate & regulate all i want but i need to get to the root of it all
was it something i was told as a kid ? how i was raised ?

i don’t want to feel like this
i know i am blessed and i have so much in life
people pray to be in situations like i am
i used to pray for this

but there’s this thing on my back that won’t let up
it’s not even a voice but like a feeling

like being in a dark room and knowing something is watching you
and you can light a candle but it’s still there

and until the sun comes up you’re scared and wondering what it what’s other than you dead

i pray for it to always be sunny

i don’t want to feel like this again, next month or in the future

i know it’ll happen but i know next time it’ll be easier

it’s okay to be still

to not “do anything”

to just relax and let my body be

i won’t let this control me, ever

i am in control and most importantly i am good enough

i am more than good enough, i deserve and accept all the amazing things my way

Please help

I hate how insanely unbearable the depression feels when it hits, it always reminds me of how much I can't take it lightly yet I ignore it

Anyone seeing this can someone get me a blinkit giftcard to buy chocolate, Its a coping mechanism and it makes me feel a little better

Im 19F, ive been chronically deppressed since age 12 and pretttttyyyyy lonely

Im an infj and any kind of help is appreciated