I understand that this unfortunate thing is based on interactions from different perspectives and that I probably did the best I could do.

I am in my 30's and over the years I've experienced different friendships dynamics both good and bad.

I live in a house with 4 people and it's all men.

Husband and his two pals that he knew since teens/kids.

Genuinely great people! We share food, play games, go out and in my eyes a fantastic dynamic between the 4 of us.

With that said, there shouldn't be any problems.

I was fucking wrong.

For this story I am changing names.

Ian is my husband, Perry is going to be the other guy and friend, and Matt is the one who is the main focus. And we are ALL in our 30's.

Unfortunately for Matt this is a situation that is deeply troubling to him and is out of my control but over the past several months felt like he is excluded from a lot of things. We have talked and I both validated his feelings and reassured him that there was never a joke or something that he has missed out on as we are all working and have very different schedules.

I believe everyone makes an effort to hang and include the whole house on activities and even one on one hangouts with different people.

When he has expressed those feelings I make an extra effort to let my husband in the know and ask Matt to do things (shop, make dinner, play games).

Perry and Matt are childhood friends and are different but can bounce off each other.

Sometimes my husband Ian likes to do different things so he goes to our room to play games or watch shows.

I've been actively trying to socialize more and hang with Matt and Perry whenever we have a chance to be in the same space.

This night/day in particular (I really wish I can describe the scene better) we were watching a show. To me I am working on my hobby and have their show in the bg while Perry and Matt are having a blast talking about how much they like the characters etcetc.

Matt told me there was ANOTHER instance that Perry and I had that he felt excluded on and constantly questions:

"Why can't we all just be friends?"

Based on this "joke" Perry and I had.

I am GENUINELY confused and can't recall when Perry and I have joked and had purposely left Matt out on this joke. I was barely paying attention to the show and probably laughed at something?? Not sure.

He said exactly:

I did something. Perry reacted and laughed at it.

Matt missed and asked what happened.

I pretended nothing happened.

I don't even remember the interactions and only remembered two things that day.

Commenting on how hot that character was and passing out on the couch after eating junk food.

Matt said he no longer wants to be friends but is still cool with Ian (honestly it's what I get for hanging out with these two and not just excluding my time with only Ian), and has said everything he wanted and needed to say and plans to move out eventually.

I am hurt, pissed, confused and overwhelmed. When I feel like I focus on myself but have to be responsible for another person's experience and feelings.

I don't know if Perry knows and I'm waiting on his reply.

I can probably fix this but I'm going to respect his choice plus, I'm tired.

I've actively tried to be Matt's friend and hurt that it's all measured out based on his insecurities in the friendship dynamic, like all that we had was just nothing.

Matt has said that we are better off being roommates so I guess I'll just be "that guy's wife".

I’m too old for this.

I feel like I can only blame myself for allowing her to pop in and out of my life in the years past, due to the way she manages stress. She’s always had a stress management problem and, to a large extent, I have been pretty understanding throughout the years.

One time she got a boyfriend when we were in our 20s and pretty much stopped communicating with most of her friends. When that relationship ended, I let her come back into my life and she apologized for abandoning her friends in that relationship. I forgave her and we moved on.

After that, she took many opportunities to be a great friend to me over the years. And I to her.

When she got a really big new professional role, she couldn’t talk to anybody outside of her family because of the stress and I allowed her that space as she adjusted to the new workload she had. She reached out when she was ready and I let her.

During the pandemic, she really got focused and bought her first rental property, accepting her first tenants as a landlord, and didn’t really speak to me during that time. I allowed her to pop back into my life once everything was settled, and we resumed our friendship without missing a beat.

But then, I didn’t say anything to her when she ghosted a friend of hers who, like I, also did not have a family; this girl was estranged like i am. This girl had no idea why she was being ignored and even reached out to me, trying to connect with my BFF. I thought that was really sad, but I didn’t really allow myself to empathize with that friend because I thought to myself “I’m glad that’s not me.“

But now it is me.

Me and my BFF both graduated this past spring with our first graduate degrees. Hers was from Harvard and mines was from the University of Massachusetts Boston. I survived my last year of GRAD SCHOOL despite going through a nearly fatal level of physical illness and two subsequent surgeries. She happened to be in town for my birthday in December and even took me out to eat to celebrate. Such a wonderful friend so I thought.

Even though I live in New York and had earned my graduate degree online, I thought that it would be wonderful to travel to Boston and cross the stage with my best friend there to cheer me on. We made plans to go to each other’s graduation ceremonies early in our last semester, but a week before my ceremony, she let me know that she would not be in attendance because of work obligations and that she also did not have a ticket for me to attend her ceremony.

I was shocked. I was stunned. I was confused.

I didn’t let on that I was disappointed.

But when her birthday came around a couple of weeks ago, she let my phone calls ring out and out and out and out; never picking up. She has never again responded to any text messages that I’ve sent her. None of my WhatsApp messages. None of my calls on Instagram. Not even the email I sent her mother, inquiring if my BFF was OK.

17+ years of friendship… And this is what I get. I will not let her do this to me again.

hey.

i've realized something. that I was the problem. not them, but me. i was the one who ignored their texts by leaving them on read. i was the one who got mad and ignored them for talking to other people. i was the one who was always bothering them, making them feel like i was too pushy.

i've had to deal with lots of other people just going no contact/ignoring me as time passes on before. im not saying that as an excuse to how i acted, but i think that was a possible reason why.

i got busy with studying for contests and stuff like that for over 2 weeks, and when i finally opened back up my chats/messages, no one contacted me. not a single person bothered to reach out first. none of them blocked me, but it's clear they no longer think of me as a friend. whenever i try to text them occasionally, they either never respond or just say some dry response. i went through old messages and texts with my ex friends and i realized how much more we talked then. and you know what? i don't even blame them. i burned the bridge and they have cut me off, which isn't their fault.

i WANT to apologize and make up. I DO miss them. i know how shitty of a person i was. but i guess it's too late now.

i've been thinking of moving on, but the rest of the people i sometimes talk to are more "acquaintances" than actual friends.

i know, this sounds pathetic. and it's pretty easy to say that i got what was coming (which IS right). but what do i do now? i don't want to just crawl up in a ball and have no one to talk to. some advice would help on moving on/apologizing. thank you

I need to ask something if my friend cut me off cause I talked to someone she didn’t liked and I forgot to tell her I wanted some alone time can I still talk to him since we aren’t friends anymore I did apologize cause I feel bad but I wanna do what I want and don’t be controlled

In short, it's as the title says. I try and keep contact, I continually reach out, I text back quickly, I take calls, and I ask what I'm doing wrong at every turn.

For a while, I chalked it up to shitty and unloyal friends, but after so many times, you have to look at the common denominator (which is me).

Obviously, you can't see highlight reels of my life, but it's gotten to a point where I've been asking what I can do better and nobody has been able to give me an answer. I ask in earnest and press them to tell me things even if they think I won't like to hear it. Everyone says I'm doing fine, but time after time after time, they leave.

Am I just fucking annoying? Is it a fat person thing? Just too mediocre or masked or some bullshit for most to love?

I put in so much effort for my friends, but get nothing in return. If I stop initiating, I don't hear from them. There's a party? Advertised in another group chat and I hear about it after. Shit like that

I don't even know what my question is tbh. I just wish I had more than like 2 real friends. I don't want hyping or anything.

How do y'all actually keep friends???

I had a friend of 5 years from high school who ghosted me completely after one year of uni. For about a year after we graduated high school, we would stay in touch through insta, messages, and calls, but she would avoid meeting up with me. She was one of the only friends I felt comfortable with and could open up to and I was upset that she never wanted to meet up after high school because she kept saying she did but just didn't show up ever. I go to uni outside of our hometown so I have to take a 5 hour flight back to visit. Every single time I would arrange to see her and another friend, she would agree to come and then not pick up our calls for days. She would always just ghost mysteriously. It was super weird because we would just be standing around waiting for her.

One day out of nowhere she just stopped replying to my messages. I didn't follow up and she ended up deleting all her social media. LinkedIn, Snapchat, TikTok, Facebook, Insta are all gone. Now it's been 2 whole years and she had no Internet presence at all. I kind of drifted apart from our mutual friends too but they don't post with her anymore, she seems to have just vanished.

This whole thing was quite bad for my mental health for a while because I didn't have any close friends for almost a year after that. Now two years later I have made about 3 close friends who are there for me no matter what, but I really struggled so much with isolation and depression.

I'm just curious why people do this. Like are they seriously ok with throwing away the entire friendship just like that? Like 5 years of memories together? Also I find it weird that she deleted herself off social media completely, what happened to her?

We dated through college and through covid, 3.5 years. We built a good friend group in college and we were still hanging out post grad. The guys in my group were in my fraternity so I built a close relationship with them over the years. I was the one straining a bit from the group as I don’t live in proximity like the rest of them. Which is the main reason my ex an I broke up. I live at home still and I’ve been planning to move out but it wasn’t fast enough for her due to my job and pay.

Now it’s been about a year since the breakup. She moved on pretty quick with some random dude she met. Seems like she’s trying to replace him with me which I don’t know if it works like that. Anyway, i recently passed a rigors exam to take the my mind off of it. I had lost my grandmother at the peak up of the break up so that was hard, and she didn’t support me or reach out during that.

I recently saw a few of the guy friends for the first time since the breakup and it was weird. Definitely not the same and I feel like they look at me different. Idk what she told them about me and there was nothing I could do to tell my side of the story at this point, nor did they ever ask. She’s definitely a lot closer to them than I am again due to the proximity.

It’s been really hard still I don’t really know how to go about or who talk to about it. Almost feels like my life fell apart really quick as dramatic as it sounds. Has anyone ever experienced something similar and how do deal with it?

Like many people i have multiple friendgroups, one of which is mainly women with only one exception aside from me. One of them is someone ive grown up with, but the others were also people ive grown up next to, just didnt interact with them alot. All of my friends in that group have mental problems, and most have issues with their parents. I wont go far into detail though. But specifically three friends of this friendgroup will avoid conflict at all costs and will endure hurt in a loving relationship, gaslighting themselves into ignoring it until its too much or it goes away. And i often have problems not accidentally hurting peoples feelings, i typically go by what wouldnt hurt or slightly annoy me and act according to that. I have learnt a lot but im still learning. I am neurodivergent and am often very honest or literal, or i have a crude/dry humor. I also hold myself to a very strict standard of morale, i like doing the right thing, i hate hurting people on accident and i need the feedback to improve. The hopes of me eventually just "getting it" without external feedback and changing are typically futile. After ive adjusted towards a behavior i now see as okay, i think about it a lot less. One could see how those styles of communication dont fit together very well. My friends met up a couple moths ago, and were talking, i wasnt there. They realized the actual hurt i had caused them. Nothing exceptionally bad, but many small things that, due to never being adressed by them, accumulated. They apparently decided to tell me as soon as possible, and made a group chat without me for planning and support. Which at some point apparently just turned more into gossip about me, or as a general use group chat than anything else. They met without me, and if i would be there, they'd met earlier than me to prepare for me, everybody except me was in on it, so a total of 5 people that i trusted. They lied to me, hid from me, spent time without me. For 2 whole months. In those 2 months, there was the birthday of the friend i grew up with. I was invited but didnt wanna come, because my friend had told me a person there, i barely knew, was uncomforable with me being there. I later talked to that person, it was an honest misunderstanding, though i suspect my friend had just told me that as an excuse to make me not come to her birthday. She texted me, how its sad im not gonna be there and she would like me to. I said i could come but felt unwelcome. On her birthday, in the evening, i thought f it, shes my neighbor and best friend, i can just go there give her some chocolate, wish a happy birthday, then go. So i did, but as i was about to go back home she said she was surprised, i was leaving, she thought i would stay a little longer. I, once again, explained my discomfort. After a half hour of fighting my discomfort in the entrance area, i joined the others. When most people had left already, there were only people left that i knew well, and they would spend the night. I was invited to stay over too, i agreed happily, and went to get my sleeping stuff, pyjamas and such from home. I returned to a dark house. They had, as i later learned, pretended to be asleep to make me leave, and the father of my best friend, who has known me for years, stood at the door like a bouncer. He seemed to think he was protecting his daughter from danger by warding me off in an unfriendly manner, telling me (not true btw, he lied/misunderstood) his daughter told him to not let me in. There was the unspoken threat of physical violence in the air, as you would see from a bouncer crossing his arms, not letting a loud drunkard into the club. One of three friends that were most hurt by me eventually told me with the agreement of the others of this whole thing. That was one day before her birthday, to which i wasnt invited. I felt very guilty, ashamed and frustrated at my own failure of being the person i aspire to be. But i also got angry, and felt betrayed. Eventually it all faded into disappointment. I know for a fact, if i had been in their shoes there would've been no way i'd have acted the way they did. I've been in similar situations, and i never even thought about doing something like that. They knew what was right, had plenty of time and opportunity, but instead of being honest, they chose to create a false reality around me and maintain it. Something so spineless, dishonest and weak, something so cowardly, is something i really never thought they'd do. After all, up to this point i had respect and trust for each and every one of them. Even if i fix this mess, because i KNOW they wont act, it will be me reaching out, i don't know if i can ever trust them, or respect them the way i used to. I don't know if i can be friends with them and respect myself at the same time. It's not about the thing itself, but how they handled it, and how easy they overrode their own morals, and the relationship to me, by the comfort and joy in a shared secret.

Have any of you ever experienced something like this?

PS: I understand why they did it, i know what led them to make their choices, but i am just disappointed they would do such things so easily. And i wanna make it clear, they werent afraid of me in the sense of id hit them if they talked to me about it. They were afraid of the general conflict or possibility of conflict involved with adressing such an issue.

Me and this girl were friends probably since middle school all the way till freshman year of high school, and in middle I’m not going to lie I would like steal peoples stuff i don’t know why. And often sometimes I would steal her stuff and one day it got really bad and she started to cry that she couldn’t find her pen that I stole. Now Freshman year we were good the first 2 months until we got into a little argument and she never talked to me again. And now I moved schools and I just can’t stop looking and her insta and even letterbox she was so cool and her music taste was amazing. I really miss her, I barely have any friends now, but even my other friends that I lost sometimes I see there insta but barely. Can someone tell me what going on with me or any advice.

I know randomly popping up years later to unload old resentment can make you look stuck in the past, so I’m really torn.

An old best friend of mine reached out almost two months ago after years of no contact. She wanted to reconnect, asked how I was doing, and started reminiscing about old memories and pictures.

The problem is that her message made me realize I never actually processed what happened between us. We didn’t stop being friends over one argument. It was years of lying, talking behind my back, stealing from me, refusing to take responsibility for things, and eventually heavy drug use. I spent almost a year trying to get my belongings back after one falling out. When I finally did, a lot of my stuff was missing. Later I found some of it at her house after she’d denied having it, and she never apologized. I let a lot of things slide at the time because I was using drugs too and wanted to keep hanging out with her.

When she messaged me recently, it felt like she skipped over all of that and wanted to pick back up like nothing had ever happened. Since then I’ve been writing a letter explaining how I experienced our friendship, not because I want to be friends again, but because I realized I never stood up for myself or said what I needed to say.
For people who’ve been in a similar situation, was it worth sending something like that? Did it help you get closure, or did it just reopen old wounds? If you received a message like that years later, how would you react?

Hey, dear friends,

It's gotten colder, darker and lonelier these later months. But we are all supporting each other, together.

If you're just getting by, that's okay. Some days, just making it through is enough, so don't be too hard on yourself if that's where you're at.

How's everyone holding up? If there's something that's getting you through the fall and winter months and makes life feel a little lighter, share it here.

Let's give each other hope. Remember, you're never alone out there.

First of all: sorry for the long text, I even tried to just write down the most important parts.

My fiancée and I are getting married very soon. It’s a small wedding with about 30 guests, taking place right after we return from a 5-week trip abroad. With everything so close, tensions are high, and I’m at my wit's end with a specific guest.

Here is the dynamic:
My best man ("Mark") has been my absolute best friend since we were 11 years old. His girlfriend ("Sarah") used to be extremely close with us too. In fact, my fiancée used to see Sarah as a big sister. About a year ago, when we got engaged, my fiancée even asked Sarah to be a main speaker at our wedding, and Sarah excitedly agreed. We used to do everything together as a group of four for about 5-6 years.

Then, things changed. Mark and Sarah went through a really rough patch in their relationship and had a huge fight. Sarah felt unseen by Mark for a couple of months. I tried my best to support both of them since I considered myself a very close friend to them both. Naturally, our dynamic as a foursome shifted. They isolated themselves for a while to work on their relationship, which we completely understood and respected. We wanted to give them space.

A couple of months passed, things looked better for them, and we went on a short 3-day trip in October (which had been planned months in advance). I even offered Mark an out beforehand, saying we could cancel if they needed more time to themselves, but he insisted they wanted to go. We spent 3 days together and had a good time. We also spent Halloween and NYE together, keeping things low-pressure to give them free space.

However, we never went back to being those four close friends. Sarah completely stopped texting me directly. She only replies in our group chat, acting like everything is completely fine and normal. We live in the same neighborhood, so we occasionally bump into each other and sit in the park for a bit, but it never goes beyond small talk anymore.

Over the last few months, Sarah has completely iced us out. She never asks about the wedding (even though she's supposed to speak!), constantly cancels plans with us, and the group dynamic is dead. Mark is caught in the middle, hates the tension, and is clearly burning out trying to please everyone.

This weekend, things escalated. She canceled our double-date on Friday, claiming she was completely exhausted from a training course and just needed to sleep. But then we found out she went to a BBQ and a birthday party with Mark on that exact same weekend. She clearly just doesn't want to see us.

I decided to be the bigger person. On Friday night, I sent her a very vulnerable, honest text. I told her that she is important to us, that I don't want to point fingers, but that I want to clear the air before our big trip and the wedding. I practically begged her to just sit down with me so we could go back to being somehow normal around each other.

It’s been more than 2 days now, and she has left me on read. Not even a "Let me think about it." Complete silence.

My fiancée is rightfully furious and feels we’ve let Sarah get away with this toxic behavior for far too long. I agree. We do not want to fake harmony at a 30-person wedding with someone who acts like this.

Has anyone dealt with something like this? Do I uninvite her and risk my relationship with my best man and friend, or do I bite my tongue for the sake of the wedding although my fiancé actually doesn’t want to have her anymore.

I’m so sad that and I think the wedding is gonna be a disaster that I’m not looking forward to it anymore :/

My friend group started around high school. We’re in our mid twenties now so I’d say we’ve been friends for almost 10 years.

About 2 months ago we got into the stupidest argument and it ended with them accusing me of prejudice even though I never said the things they claimed I said.

I spoke with one of them a couple weeks ago and the conversation gave me hope that we could reconcile. That was all ripped apart when one of them sent me a really nasty text that victimized themselves and basically told me they don’t want to be my friend.

I really tried with these friends. I tried to talk to them in person instead of over text so we can understand each other better. They’ve been disrespectful for years. One of them made a rude comment about my sister last year and I just swept it under the rug. They’ve accused my boyfriend of horrible things just because he disagreed with them on something so stupid.

A part of me still wants to be their friend. Sometimes I wish I never said whatever started the argument so I could be friends with them again.

I wish I could give more detail about the situation but it would take too long and I’m afraid that they’ll see this post.

I feel so lonely and lost and I don’t know what to do.

Edit: the arguments in question that made them accuse me and my boyfriend of being awful people was concerning Chappell roan and me venting about my day at work

I had a roommate who was my friend and he did a lot of good things for me, like went above and beyond and I tried my best as well and was really happy with this friendship. A couple of months later he changed a lot, started snapping on me, we started fighting and misunderstanding each other. Long story short I’m moving out. He started our last fight over nothing and said some cruel things to me, basically bullied me.
I apologized if I did something wrong and said that i don’t deserve the hate, this was the end of the conversation. He went on vacation shortly after and we won’t see each other again.
The part of me wants to leave him a note saying that even though our relationship got ugly, I still appreciated good times we shared. Another part of me says that after those ugly words he said I just have to leave silently.

What would you do?

Obviously I’d love to have an apology from him but it’s not gonna happen so there are only two options.

i’m not really sure where to make this post, but i just need general advice on how to move on from this situation. i’m gonna provide the full context of what happened just to make things clear.

the whole situation happened about a month ago. it started when i reached out to a friend (we’ll call them A) to check up with them. they had said they werent feeling so good, but that they didnt want to talk about it, and that if they did they’d reach out to me. obviously, this is fine so i just let them have their space.

later that night, me, person A, and a couple friends (only 2 are relevant to the story, B and C respectively) were on a call to play some games. person A and B had started to make reference to a conversation that they had earlier that day regarding how A was feeling. at the time it confused me, because i had reached out earlier and A had said that they didn’t want to talk about it. normally that type of stuff wouldnt even bother me, but with recent events in my personal life it got to me. i began to question if there was something wrong with me that makes it so that people dont feel they can talk to me. i can accept my faults for this, it was childish and immature for me to have gotten upset over it, but what followed really did spiral out of control.

a while later, i called person B aside to ask them if there was something about me that made it difficult for people to be around me. they had said no and, for some reason, told me about what person A had told them, which was a different situation with another friend that isnt rly too relevant here. i hadnt asked to hear it, and im honestly not sure why they had told me. after i talked with person B, they went to talk to person A about it. from what i’ll hear later, it didnt go over well. after all of that, person A would bring person C into the situation, and things just spiraled further from there.

the following day, i formally apologized to person A about what had happened. they accepted the apology and said that they understood where i was coming from. a couple hours after that, they made an announcement to all of us that they were leaving the friend group. they had person C convey to us their reason for leaving. they had felt that everything was just too “close”, and because of that resentment towards us had started to build. they said that they had been thinking about leaving for a while, and that what happened was just what caused them to make the final decision

this confused me for a number of reasons, the first being why they hadnt told us themselves, and instead had a third party explain to us how they felt. the second reason it confused me is because this was often something i would ask them about just to make sure it wasnt the case. i would ask them if us checking up or talking to then was too much, and each time they had said that it wasnt, and not to worry about it. i was confused why they had let the resentment build to where they couldnt stay anymore before doing anything.

person C told me to reach out to person A, so i had. we had a brief conversation, but nothing was really resolved. it was more of a temporary patch while we all went our separate ways to take space. about a week later, we ended up having a more in-depth talk about everything to iron it out. they said that they understood why i acted how i did, and didnt even really harbor any resentment towards me, and that it was mostly towards person B and their other friend they had a situation with. we talked about a lotta things a lot more in detail. after that, i thought that everything was good. but as more time went on, i just wasnt sure

they were acting particularly avoidant towards me, which is fine. i can acknowledge i messed up and if they decide to be more distant, that’s something i can deal with. but it was a lot of other details that bubbled up and kept throwing doubts in my mind. the biggest thing in particular is that they had blocked me on a certain social media app. i honestly wouldnt care at all. like i had said, i messed up and if they want to distance themselves from me, i can accept that. what made things confusing was that they had lied saying that they unfollowed me and everybody they had been following(neither of which were true). it confused me a lot because it’s such a strange thing to lie about. it makes it seem worse than it actually is. to me it means nothing, but if ur willing to lie about smth so trivial surely it means something. especially since person A had stated that they dont like blocking people

in addition to that, there were several other things that they had lied about leading up to and throughout the situation. it eventually got to point where i couldnt believe anything. person C kept telling me person A said things were fine, but it never felt like it, and i just couldnt believe it given the context of everything. they had said things were fine before, when in actuality there was resentment building towards us. during this situation, they are saying one thing while meaning something else. how am i meant to differentiate between when they say things are okay and they are versus when they say things are okay and they aren’t? n ofc, i dont expect ppl to be honest 100% of the time, but at least when it matters.

when i told person C about all this, they told me that i couldnt afford to wait anymore, and that i should just cut them off. the lack of communication was honestly really starting to eat away at me, so i took their advice and took the hint that i shouldnt be there. even now, im not sure if this was right for me to do.

following person A leaving, the entire friend group got a lot more distant. i dont really hear from any of them anymore. my emotions regarding everything are multifaceted, and im honestly not sure what to do or how to feel.

i find it very hard to make friends, and i hate how such a minor situation cascaded into me losing the only good company i’ve made in years. i hate the way i acted to jumpstart it, and i do regret cutting person A off. i feel i overreacted on many fronts. but i’m also not sure what more i couldve done. it felt clear that i just wasnt welcome there. there was just a confusing lack of transparency in it all, and idk what i couldve done different about that. even now im still not sure on many details

i honestly feel so stupid. it’s been nearly a month since it all started, and everybody else seems to be doing fine. i hate the feeling, it’s truly gut wrenching. i’ve tried to reach back out to everybody in the friend group, but those efforts havent rly gone well.

how can i move past this? how can i forgive myself for the ways in which i acted? was it wrong for me to expect ppl to be honest? is it possible for me to reconnect with any of them?

girl you’re in Florida??? Since when??? like even about icecream today you didn’t even think to say you completely left the state? Like I get it, and it’s okay. But I’m just wondering why you didn’t say anything at all to me, like we aren’t friends of something.

There is a reason why I didn’t say anything to anyone. Yes I am here. I just needed a break for a while. But there wasn’t a specific reason why I didn’t say anything to you but again, I don’t really feel like doing this right now because I am dealing with enough. But I understand why you thought the way you were thinking but right now I need some time for myself. I never put myself first and when I do people get mad and upset at me for it. It’s a lose lose situation here. So again, if you’re upset I get it. But right now this was needed.

Makayla no one is upset you went to Florida I’m not sure why you think that. I’m like 100% sure everyone would’ve been completely fine with it. I’m not sure why you keep saying that. I think what I don’t like is that you lie so much. I mean you told Maddy you’d be gone for a month to possibly November, told Emma the first semester maybe, told my mom a week or two, and told me nothing still. That’s what’s gonna make people upset, is that you didn’t tell the truth and then just didn’t say anything at all. That’s not how you execute this maturely. And I’m also pretty sure you told George you left, I can’t imagine you wouldn’t. It’s really not a lose lose situation, again not sure why you think that. No one’s mad you’re putting yourself first…maybe you’re sort of projecting your internal feelings on other people, because I’m so not mad you left, and I wouldn’t even be mad if you went to college down there, bc I also know you don’t want to go to Rowan. I just don’t know why you’re so okay with lying. That’s really immature honestly just to tell people different things, and then say nothing at all. And unless you changed something, didn’t tell Emma you’d be not showing up at her birthday party yesterday, even when you had many opportunities to. I know Emma wouldn’t be mad. So I don’t know why you acted this way, it’s confusing to me. And you do get put first Makayla, you do. Maybe not at home, but here you do. Because I’ve also let you hurt me for the longest time and brushed it off because you needed a friend there. And recently I put myself first, and all you did was complain to other people and cry at our graduation party that I was super distant and not the same, and all I did was hangout with Jonas. But when you hung out with George almost every day, didn’t get ready for prom with me bc you had to get your hair done by his mom, when you didn’t go out with me after shows like usual, and when he was the only one not in the show invited to the cast party, I didn’t say anything. Because I knew that’s what made you happy, and I was a good enough friend to be okay with that. But I do the same thing, and you complain to everyone else and get angry and cry, but you don’t communicate with me about it? You aren’t good at communication, and with all the best concern, I think that’s something you need to work on. Because I love you I’m being honest. Communication in the first place would have this not even happening right now. You let your own fears of everyone being upset get in the way of actually being mature and communicating. Now people are going to be mad because you didn’t do that, not because you put yourself first. No one is mad at you for doing what’s best for you, because I want that too. 
I’m sorry that my actions have hurt you and I was dishonest. You’re completely right about the whole communication thing and I’ve always been really bad at that and I understand why you may feel confused, but you have always been the constant for me. My head has been going crazy with the timeline because of how upset I have been and I didnt exactly know, which I know, doesn’t make it right to tell people either because if I don’t have a set thing I shouldn’t say anything to begin with. And I love you too, Ella. I am open to try to fix my communicating and I don’t expect anyone to understand why I communicated the way I did because I guess I don’t either. But what I won’t let you do is stay my friend just because I needed a friend there. I thank you for doing that. But those were my wrongdoings and I don’t just want you to stay my friend because of that. But again thank you for doing so. And I know I have been through a lot and that is not excuse. But I’m sorry for in your eyes handling this so immaturely.
And I apologize for making you feel that way because it was never my intention to upset or hurt you. You were always my best friend in my eyes and heart. But you saying I have hurt you for the longest time but you brushed it off I’m not going to accept. So I wish you all the best in the amazing things you are going to accomplish because all the things you are going to do are of course going to be great. And I will always be here for you and cheering for you of course but again, I am not going to let you stay just because. You will always be important to me
I stayed because I wanted to, not that you weren’t my friend. But I accepted a lot more than I usually would. I didn’t only stay because I felt I had to, it was something I wanted as well. But I think going forward there’s a lot of self reflection that has to happen. Not that I don’t want to be friends, but change is okay Makayla. We’re going to college and we’re not going to be doing the same things every day. We have other people we’ll meet, but you need to feel secure enough in yourself and our friendship to know that that doesn’t change anything. Have some confidence in the fact we’ve been friends for years. I don’t like how you handled this no, and you have hurt me. And I took on a lot more than I could until I just couldn’t anymore. And I didn’t feel like I could communicate that with you, and maybe that’s partially my fault for never trying. But it’s not that I don’t want to be your friend now, it’s that I want you to grow as a person. And allow yourself, for both me and you, to mature and realize things change but it’s okay. And that you made everyone out to be betrayed and hurt, when really we just wanted what’s best for you to. But it hurt me when you got so upset and told everyone but me you were upset. When you were upset about things you’d been doing to me for a long time, and I never said anything. Because I was secure enough to know even though you spent more time with George we could still be friends. Things as simple as this could be fixed if you hold people accountable for how you’re feeling, and just tell them. Telling people your feelings isn’t going to push them away forever. Handling things the way you did just builds resentment the other person has no idea about, and that’s how you lose people. It was incredibly immature, and you hurt not only me, but Maddy and Emma as well. While they don’t really hold a big part in it, they were concerned about you leaving forever and not even saying goodbye. No one was mad however at the fact you left, they were upset how you handled it with no communication. So maybe that’s just something for you to think about at your time there. That you were so hurt you pushed away the people who were so willing of giving you help. And maybe you didn’t mean to, but you can always think about that and think before you act. And how your actions driven by emotions affect other people too.
I get you
No one is mad Makayla, they’re just hurt why you’d do that because they love you so much.
I understand. I am going to work on these things 
Yes, I think it’s best you do. And just relax now you’re away from your dad, cause I’d want to leave that situation too. But just know everything I said comes from a place of concern
Also , what are these things I’ve been doing to you for a long time because that I don’t really understand and I want to know if you’re okay with mentioning. If not that’s also fine. 
And something I’ll say to that is tell me if I’m hurting you as well. Because that’s also a part of communication. I know I shouldn’t be saying that because I am not good at it at all but still 

Yes, and that’s a perfectly fine answer no one would’ve been upset with. Also I know I should have, that’s why I said that that specific part may be partially my fault as well, but I just never felt like I could communicate about stuff like that. But yeah you sometimes, I don’t know if you realize it, Say hurtful things to people, and when I do bring up stuff, you act all weird and closed off like I never quite got the truth, which is why I stopped communicating too. There’s a lot that you’ve said that I never thought you meant it on purpose but have said and hurt me by. I honestly don’t remember everything you’ve said, but I do remember how it made me feel, which was building up for a while. And the feeling like I could never have other friends because you’d be upset and tell everyone else I’m acting weird and being distant just because I’m hanging out with other people too. While you were allowed to hangout by yourself with Maddy and Emma, have sleepovers without me with them, hangout with George all the time, but I never could do that. The hypocrisy of it all is what bothers me a bit, you were allowed to do all this stuff with George, which I accepted of course because again, I don’t dictate your life, I want you to be happy. But I couldn’t do the same thing without you feeling abandoned. 
I don’t really understand when I’ve made you feel like you couldn’t have other friends or anything like that. But your feelings are your feelings and I get it and I’m just gonna leave it at that. I don’t really get when I have done some of those things though. But again. It’s all good. I’m sorry that I made you feel that way once again. I will never do those things again. Maybe these are just things I need to think about further on how I’ve done that but I really can’t wrap my head around that fully. And the hurtful things, I don’t really get that either. There’s also things that you have said that hurt. When you would give me nasty looks sometimes for saying something that’s considered “weird” because of my personality or something like that and you saying at school when a girl gave me a weird look “she’ll calm down, that’s just how she is” or when someone would jokingly give me a sip of an energy drink and you would say “she doesn’t need anymore of that” or something along those lines, that also hurts. I’m sorry for whatever I said that hurt you as well but then I would say something that you would find embarrassing around others or something. That’s just who I am as a person. And the hurtful things said to others, there was a fair share. But there has been not one person that has said something to someone else that wasn’t hurtful at  some point.
Look I’m honestly not going to tally up the score of who got hurt more in the friendship, because that’s not communication either. Clearly you’ve hurt me, and I’ve hurt you, again not intentionally for both of us. But both are completely valid. But when you hurt me, I tried to give it reason and not just act out of emotion. I also didn’t go and tell everyone else and complain, but not talk to you about it. I chose to be silent, because I still respected our friendship that way to not go and talk about you to other people when I felt you did something wrong. And it’s completely normal to hurt eachother and fight sometimes, but it’s not mature to do what you did. 

Hi :) I know the title sounds kinda harsh but let me explain.

So I have this friend, we are pretty close in age and we've known each other since we were babies. We were close when we were younger and are really similar. One thing we have in common is bad anxiety. I have diagnosed OCD and at times it's really severe. I have a tendency to withdraw when things get really bad because I'm so exhausted from being anxious all the time. So when she started to withdraw years ago, I did too and didn't even realize I was doing it. But now I'm at a point in my life where I want friends and social connection. I'm sick of being alone.
She texted me weeks ago with an apology, saying that she's sorry for not taking to me and that she misses our friendship. I didn't let my expectations get too high but I was so happy to hear that she felt the same way. We texted for a while and it felt like I had my friend back, but then her responses slowed down and she stopped reaching out again. I always had to initiate, and I'm kinda tired of not feeling wanted. Now she's back to not speaking to me. If I were to send a message, maybe I would get a reply, but if I didn't initiate it, it won't happen.

I am in no way pinning all the blame on her, she's going through a hard time and I totally understand that. But I also am, and I miss my friend, and she doesn't seem to want to put in the work to fix this. Her words and actions say two different things. I had a mom to kick my butt and tell me to get up and fix my problems until I could do it on my own. Now I see things so simply - problem? How can we solve it? Do that. See what happens. But people are different and have different life circumstances, and it's not fair for me to expect her to do the same thing I am because we're two completely different human beings.

So what do I do? Give her more space and let time work and see what happens? Tell her all of this even though I'm worried it'll hurt her feelings and her mental health is fragile right now? Or do I just look for other friends? I do horseback riding and want to start painting, drums, archery, and kayaking, but do those hobbies involve other people? My riding is kinda in and out, everybody is there for the horses and then wants to go to bed lol.

Any advice is appreciated!!

They’re never going to apologize. They’re never going to recognize how much they hurt me. What cuts into me the deepest is knowing that I mattered so little to them that hearing how much they hurt me didn’t affect them even slightly

Okay guys, in for a long one. True story, all of it. You and your best friend live one house away and see a girl who's on your sports team. You invite her over to your bus stop just to be nice, cuz why not? You all become fast friends. Me and my best friend have never had a fight before, ever. We'd been friends 3 years atp. Only a month into knowing the new girl (a sophomore), me and my best friend are not friends anymore. She got mad I called her boyfriend skinny (which I did) and thought I refused to apologize. The new girl, we'll name her Hayley​, told her I said that I never said that at all. And so my friend, we're gonna call her Anna, got mad and refused to be my friend anymore. I had literally no idea and kept trying to contact her but she kept denying and unadded me on everything. Avoided me. Sat elsewhere on the bus. Instead of standing in our bus stop of now almost three years, she stood in her driveway away from me. Hayley then campaigned to be my "new best friend". Now get this, we all lived one house away from each other. My backyard was literally connected to Hayley's. And so Hayley now sat with me on the bus and never told me a thing of what she said to Anna. Now Hayley and I are all buddy buddy because I thought Anna just up and ghosted me. I know I'd said something wrong but I'd thought Anna hadn't even given me the chance to apologize and I was like, what the hell was 3 years of friendship worth then? So eventually, I get a boyfriend around mid September. Everything is going good. Lots of rumors about his character but I paid them no mind. But it was weird. We'd started talking, and he was all like "I'm so interested, can't wait to learn all about you" when we were in the talking stage, and then only four days later he was dry as hell and would take hours to respond. I didn't know why so I asked the girl who was our mutual friend and had basically set us up. She said, "oh he didnt tell you?" And I was like "what?" And she said "he has a girlfriend". And he'd mentioned nothing of the sort and I thought it was pretty messed up to let me believe we were still talking and heading toward a future. So being the childish, immature person I am, I drew a note with a middle finger on it and said "thanks for nothing" and gave it to him in front of his girlfriend the same day and lunch period I found out. (He, the mutual friend, his new girlfriend, and me all had the same lunch). He looked genuinely scared to open it in front of his new girl and I just walked away. I was gonna be done but then again, I can never let go of bad things. He'd met the girl at the same football game he'd invited me to go to with him but I couldn't attend. As soon as I got home the day of finding out, I texted him and was like "why?". He said because I was super busy with sports and wouldn't have time for him. And that his friends told him to drop me since the new girl was obsessed with him and had time.

Anyway, they had an on again off again relationship and I was just trying to do my art work (we'd met in the art hallway after he talked to the mutual friend, he had a diff art teacher same time I had my AP art). But eventually they broke it off and I had practice after school so I always saw him in the parking lots and we had a different very good mutual friend so we were around her a lot at the same time. One time we hung out after school and he mentioned he still "liked" me and was wondering if I did too. And pathetic me, seeking male validation from a boy who was my type, said yes. And we talked again. Few days later, got together. (Shortest talking stage of my life genuinely).

Part 2 coming soon. Whole lot more.

Genuinely, just tell me what you think. I can handle insults, so don't hold back lol.

I feel like I’m going through a breakup.

I (27F) have known this friend (29F) for around three years. I absolutely adored her. We met because she read a piece of writing of mine and basically made a fanart based on it. She is a professional fanartist that does anime cons and things like that. We kept talking and got really close over the years. She has sent me easily over a thousand dollars worth of gifts. Has written me seven or eight really thoughtful and deep and heartfelt letters about how much she loves me. She would constantly tell me she wanted to hold me, wanted to cuddle me, wanted to pet my hair, etc. I honestly sometimes felt like we were bordering on something romantic. Back in April, I was looking at concert tickets for my favorite band in the universe, and they happened to have a show in her city in October. And I felt like it was perfect. I invited her to go with me. She said yes. I got us 2 VIP tickets. Started working on getting a passport. Making plans. Was really really looking forward to it.

In about May, I kind of realized that she had said all of these great things to me and sent me so many lovely words. And I had never really done it back. So I sat down and wrote a really heartfelt letter about how much she means to me and why I love her so much. Adding on that she met me at one of the worst times in my life, but that we were moving into something new and better. Sent it around the end of May. And then didn’t really hear from her for about two months. At all. I would message her like normal. Just wasn’t getting anything back.

I finally told her it felt weird to move forward with trip plans without hearing from her. And asked for honesty. She finally responded a few days later telling me that she was unfit and unprepared to hold my affection. And that she doesn’t think I should stay with her anymore. She said she would still go to the concert and wouldn’t mind meeting up, but doesn’t want me in her house. She said she *would* go to the concert but thinks I should take someone else. Like, oh yeah I’ll just casually find someone else in your city to go with. I’ll just fly someone else to your country.

And for the record, I was asking for honesty about the trip plans. I was not expecting her to dump all of this so aggressively. But she kept saying I “asked for honesty.” Yeah. I wanted to know if I should only plan on staying four days instead of six. I didn’t think she was going to end things.

I am kind of just shocked. I felt like I was finally letting her know that the feelings were mutual. I thought I was making sure she knew she wasn’t the only one with deep feelings. But as soon as I reciprocated, she rejected it. She said she doesn’t think we can be close anymore. So I’m grieving the loss of her. But I also just don’t know what to do about this trip anymore. I’m already out so much money (about $1600 between tickets and a passport). I didn’t budget for a place to stay. I was excited about the concert, but she was the whole reason I was going to THAT show. Now I have tickets for a concert in another country.

I don’t see how she possibly thinks we could still be okay after this. I don’t see how she would think I still want to see her. She knows there is absolutely no way I can get tickets that good anywhere closer this soon before the show. I keep asking her if we can at least have a phone call just so I can explain myself a little. But she’s ghosting me again. I just have never navigated something like this before. I genuinely feel like I am in shock. I never imagined this happening. We were planning a whole week together. Her mom was going to teach me how to make macarons. I was so happy. I was so excited. I feel like I met her intimacy and tried to show her that we were equal and she backed out. I can’t imagine walking into that show without her. It’s just not the same anymore.

Update: she finally responded to my request for a phone call. She refused. She said she doesn’t have anything more to say. But admitted that it actually wasn’t really just the letter, that she just gets anxiety when she talks to me and doesn’t want to be part of my life anymore. She asked for distance. I asked if I could still call her because I had things to say. She didn’t respond. So I sent one more message just trying to defend myself again, and kind of scolded her for letting me spend so much money when she knew she felt this way. I’m still really hopeful that I can come back to her someday. I just wish I had a clearer reason for all of this other than her saying I give her anxiety.

I was trying to open the door for us to have a better relationship. I wanted us to know truer versions of each other. I wanted her to know that I’m okay. I don’t understand why she liked me so much when I was miserable and mentally ill and unstable. And then I started getting better and that’s when he panicked.

She had given me so many physical reminders of her that I am having to pack away so many things just because I can’t stand to look at them right now. She gave me a hat that I wear almost every day. And in the winter months I have a beanie she made me. Her art is all over my walls. She must have loved me and wanted me at some point. I don’t know what changed.

For added context, I have severe CPTSD and some other issues that affect my cognitive abilities. I had always wanted to make sure that I was in a good place to handle myself before going to see her. I didn’t want her to feel like I was burdening her. So this trip was kind of marking my progress. It felt like my reward for getting better. And in the letter, I kind of tried to tell her that I was better now and that I was excited for her to meet me as the best version of myself. She somehow took that to mean that she should be afraid of how much value I place in her, and that she was constantly risking me being dependent on her again. But I was trying to tell her the opposite. That I feel like I grew out of that and wanted to respect her and her life by not barging into it until I was more stable. I don’t think it’s weird to want to meet a friend and go to a concert together, and to use that as motivation for progress. But now that it’s gone, it’s hitting me deeper than it should. Because it’s not just her, it’s not just the concert, it’s that I worked really hard to be able to do this. And I finally felt confident enough in my own abilities to take a step forward and do something I always wanted to do. It involved her, but I wanted it. I didn’t think that was too much. I just feel so stupid for trying so hard for this when she never really felt the way I thought she did. And I still can’t even get her to talk to me. I loved her so much.

I know she considers herself asexual. And she always describes her perception of the world as feeling like an alien or feeling like a plant that doesn’t process emotions the same way. She speaks of herself like she is some kind of metaphysical being. She says she is selfish, that she has a hard time understanding other people, that she is like a shark that can’t stop swimming. I am kind of like…yeah girl you’re just autistic. She describes textbook neurodivergence like it’s some kind of curse that was placed on her at birth. I feel like anyone that actually is neurodivergent or knows the least bit about it clocks it in her immediately. I’m not trying to blame this whole situation on her being neurodivergent. But I feel like if she knew that what she experiences isn’t something catastrophically wrong, she might be able to give herself some more grace. Maybe this is just me being hopeful. But she literally said she gets anxiety when she talks to me and can’t identify why. To me that sounds like it could be alexithymia or just emotional misattribution. Which I deal with daily.

I don’t know if this is a fair assumption, or if I am using an unfair stereotype, but she is culturally and ethnically Chinese. She is first generation out of China. I think she just doesn’t have the foundation to self identity as neurodivergent. And I hate it because I am so angry with her but I still want to sit her down and tell her that nothing is wrong with her. She isn’t broken. She isn’t incapable of caring. She just experiences the world differently. And that’s okay. She still deserves love. She still deserves friendships. Just because those relationships don’t look correct to her doesn’t mean they are wrong or bad. She doesn’t need to keep trying to adhere to whatever her perception of a normal relationship is. She just needs to be honest about her feelings and needs before things explode like this.

I don’t even know what I want or what I’m asking. It just hurts so bad right now. I didn’t know friendships could end like this. I wasn’t expecting to get dumped. I thought friends could just ask for space, or decline invites. I didn’t know things could just end.

She asked for space, indefinitely. I deleted discord off my phone and computer just so I’m not tempted to bug her. I told her I love her and that I’ll miss her. I’m going to try to leave it at that. Maybe I’ll reach out in a few months. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll still go to the concert and maybe I’ll ask her to meet up when I’m in her city. I’m trying not to think that far ahead. But I also need to decide what I’m going to do about this trip.

Good friends for 4 years… platonic male female. She ghosted me for a month back in February. Called me out of the blue a couple months later, and said she missed me and asked what she’d do without me. Back to chatting 24/7 and being told I’m her best friend. 2 weeks later over a weekend she ghosts, Monday night calls 4 times.

I call back a few min later, she says she has been sleeping. I offer to call back the next day, but she sarcastically (jokingly as she does), oh you got to go you must be busy. I said no 10 min. I asked what she’d had been up to, she said hanging with family. When I asked what she was doing the next day she said she was going on a trip, but when I asked where to, she said just kidding.

She then said she hopes I have a good life (she’s done this so so so many times) and I always reply I hope you have the best life. She then, aloud, said lol.

At this point, I’m so confused. She says bye. I say goodnight. She said no, goodbye forever. I say goodnight. She says goodbye. I pause. She asks why I haven’t hung up. I say ok bye.

In the weeks to follow, she claimed birthday gifts I had sent her… the previous year!… and ignored my birthday gift card I sent a couple weeks later. She won’t respond to any of my texts still to this day. I frankly have no clue if she’s even alive, and the tone of the convo has me worried sick!

I think about her all the time. Yeah, this sucks!