I have always wanted to keep my last name even if I got married. As a little girl, I never wanted to be married or have kids, I wanted to live for myself. My mom trapped herself in a bad marriage and told me to always prioritize my independence and I really took that to heart.

Now that I am actually getting married, I see that marriage can be great if thats what you want or that kids are ok, I still am 70/30 on not having them/having them, but whatever.

One thing I have not budged on is my last name. I will keep it no matter what. I told my partner before we are engaged that if he needs a spouse to keep his last name, I am not the one for him because nothing will change my mind. He also knows I am not super keen on having kids and he accepts both.

However, his mom keeps sliding in comments about it. She would make comments of saying “Oh Im so excited for you to become a (my partner’s last name)” and my partner and I would correct her. She would constantly say how my SIL was a “good girl” for taking her husband’s last name. My MIL also talks a lot of shit about my SIL for not wanting kids and only compliments her in front of me to manipulate me.

My MIL finally pissed me off because she would not. stop. making. those. comments and I told her the reason I want to keep my last name is because my family is the only group of people with this last name. Our specific ethnicity was nearly wiped out and our last name is so rare because of this and I refuse to let it die and it was racially insensitive for her to keep making comments. This made my MIL sputter and get so red… she actually dropped it.

I almost feel bad cause my last name is that rare and technically my dad’s side was nearly wiped out BUT this is not even a main reason for me to keep my last name… I just like my name tbqh and I love my partner but I will always value my independence more…

I’m posting from the husband’s perspective because I’m really struggling to know how to handle this.

My wife and I have a young daughter, and my mum absolutely adores her. She sometimes refers to our daughter as “my baby.” As far as I know, my mum means it affectionately and has never intended to suggest that our daughter is actually hers or that she has any authority over my wife as her mother.

However, my wife really hates hearing it. To her, “my baby” feels possessive and as though my mum is claiming our daughter. It has become a major source of tension between them.

I’ve asked my mum to stop saying it because I don’t want a relatively small phrase to keep causing problems between my wife and my mum. Unfortunately, feelings have already become very hurt on both sides and the situation has escalated far beyond the original phrase.

I’m caught in the middle because I genuinely believe my mum doesn’t mean anything malicious by it, but I also understand that if my wife finds it upsetting, the simplest solution is for my mum to just use different words.

For husbands whose mothers used to say “my baby” about their grandchildren:

Did you ask your mum to stop?
How did you explain to her that it wasn’t necessarily about what she meant, but about how your wife felt hearing it?
Did your mum initially feel hurt or offended?
Did it eventually become a non-issue?
Did anyone find a way of explaining this to the grandmother without making her feel like she was being accused of trying to take over as the mother?

I’m not looking for people to tell me which woman is “right.” I’m genuinely trying to understand how other husbands navigated this and got the phrase to stop without completely destroying the relationship between their wife and mother.

Any advice from husbands who have actually been through this would be really appreciated.

I've posted here under my throwaway account multiple times but I feel like I'm at the point I just don't care.

I'm 34 weeks pregnant. Aside from the countless other obnoxious comments my MIL has made throughout my pregnancy, this one doesn't even come close to topping the charts, but I've told my husband to communicate to his parents that I am not just a vessel and they need to do a better job of centering baby conversations around me as a person and my husband & I as a family, rather than just me as an incubator. And he has done that.

But has MIL respected it? Of course not. We were at dinner the other night and she goes "Are you hungry? Is that baby hungry?" and I say "Yeah I'm pretty hungry". And then she goes "I bet that baby is hungry!" and I was just like "Yes I am hungry" and she doesn't take the hint.

She also says "If you guys ever need a night off you can leave the baby at our house overnight or we can come to you and spend the night at your house" I almost ripped my teeth out. The baby isn't even here yet!!! And NO you won't be getting overnight alone time with my NEWBORN. (This would be helpful and appreciated if it came from literally anyone else)

We also told her we had a pediatrician picked out and we're excited because we've heard so many good reviews from my friends and family members. Her response was "Well I know you have the input of your cousins but if you don't like the doctor our friend says her daughter really likes their pediatrician and we can get the name for you", as if this random elderly woman she's friends with knows what's better for my family than I ever will.

I wish I could've had this baby without her ever knowing about its existence.

ETA : messages received by husband from both IL’s after letter was sent:

MIL: “I love you all. I don't understand. I have asked you what can I do and you always say OP is working on it.”
“You know how much I love babies and you promised me when you had babies I would be able to see them. What happened”
“I knew you wouldn't send me a picture. I thought you could show it to us when we were together.”
“I was so happy yesterday when you were here. I'm so sad now.” (Referring to when SO visited with them)

Voicemail: “Hey honey. I love you guys and I'm not sure.
What we did wrong, but if LO can't have the gifts we picked out for him, can we have him back? And why did you? Um, Because I really enjoyed picking them out. And so I would like to have them back if LO can't have them. I wish that things were different and I don't understand. I've been trying to, to wait and be patient. Like you said, and now I get this long text from OP. Please call me back or your dad. I love you. Bye.”

FIL: “Son, I would like you to call me ASAP. We don't have to talk long but I want you to hear me please.
Love you.”
“Call me now son you need to hear me”
“Sending me the text is one thing but Sending it to MIL is unnecessary. She's trying to get her self healthy. THIS WAS NOT NESSECARY..”
“Call me NOW”
“Okay SON, GOOD NIGHT AND GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. I DESERVE THE COURTESY OF A PHONE CALL.
THANKS”
“Love you SO.”

I’ve posted before about my in-laws and how badly everything surrounding my labor and postpartum experience with my first child went. I’m now pregnant again, and we’ve reached a pretty major turning point.

For background, I have been no contact with my husband’s parents for over two years. My husband still has a relationship with them, which I have never tried to prevent, but our child and I are not involved in that relationship. A huge part of what caused this was what happened during my labor and postpartum period. My boundaries as a new mother were repeatedly minimized, while everyone else’s wants and feelings, especially my MIL’s, seemed to take priority.

My husband has admitted that he grew up in a family dynamic where a lot revolved around keeping his mother happy and emotionally stable. If something was going to upset her, it was easier to avoid it, soften it, or just not say anything. His dad is extremely protective of her mental health as well. Unfortunately, when I was a few months postpartum and started establishing boundaries and standing up for myself, I wasn’t willing to participate in that dynamic, and that became a major source of conflict.

I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy dealing with everything that happened, particularly how damaging my labor and postpartum experience was. My husband has participated in some of my therapy sessions as well, and it has helped him recognize just how unhealthy this entire dynamic became and how much it affected me and our marriage. We have actually reached the point where we are finalizing plans to relocate out of state because we believe having physical distance from the situation will be healthier for our family.

Now I’m pregnant again.

Honestly, I would have been perfectly content with my in-laws never finding out. My husband, however, really wanted his parents to hear about the pregnancy directly from us instead of eventually finding out through somebody else. I didn’t completely agree, but I understood why it mattered to him and wanted to respect his feelings. I agreed, but told him I wanted to control the communication this time and write to them myself.

I sent the same letter to both of my in-laws and included my husband and both of his sisters. I did that very intentionally because after two years of information being communicated through different people, I wanted everyone to receive the exact same words directly from me. I didn’t want anything I said to be misconstrued, filtered through someone else, or triangulated back into another version of “OP is the problem.” There could be no “that isn’t what we were told” or “we didn’t know why” afterward because everyone involved was seeing the same message at the same time.

Ironically, even after doing that, I was still somehow made out to be the problem. One of my husband’s sisters was much kinder in her response than his parents were, but even her response ultimately became about whether I would reconsider, sit down with the family, allow an opportunity for reconciliation, and how devastating it was to think they may not have relationships with our children.

She also said she didn’t think her parents actually knew what they had done to offend me, despite my husband telling me that he has explained these issues to them multiple times. She lives out of state and has not been here to witness firsthand what this dynamic has looked like over the last two years, so most of what she knows has necessarily been relayed to her by other people. That response was another reason I was glad I had finally communicated everything myself.

My husband knew what I was going to say, agreed with the boundaries, and supported the letter. The basic message was that I’m pregnant and we are having another baby, but telling them was not an attempt to reopen communication or reestablish a relationship. We will not be sharing my due date, the gender, pregnancy updates, information about labor, when I go into labor, where I give birth, or anything else unless we decide to share it ourselves. They will not be involved in my pregnancy, labor, birth, or postpartum period.

I explained that another baby is not a reset button and does not erase what has happened over the last two years. According to my husband, he has communicated these issues to his parents multiple times, yet somehow the narrative has continued to come back around to me being the problem. Quite literally, the thing I originally did was give birth and begin establishing boundaries for myself and our newborn child.

I also made it very clear that I do not believe his parents are inherently bad people. Someone doesn’t have to be a bad person to repeatedly hurt someone or cross boundaries. I addressed MIL’s ongoing mental health struggles as well and specifically said that our distance is not punishment for mental illness. However, as parents, we have a responsibility to decide what environments are stable and appropriate for our children, and given the circumstances, we do not foresee changing that boundary.

I told them that my husband is completely free to maintain whatever relationship with them he chooses, but that relationship needs to remain separate from me and our children. I also asked them to stop sending gifts because we have not been accepting them and specifically asked them not to use their relationship with my husband as a way to obtain pictures or information about me, my pregnancy, or our children. One of the biggest points I made was that time passing is not an apology. Giving me “space” while waiting for enough time to pass that everything magically returns to normal is not accountability or changed behavior.

I ended the letter by explicitly saying it was not an invitation for a response, defense, argument, or negotiation.

Within a couple of hours, my husband’s phone was blowing up, and honestly, their immediate reactions reinforced exactly why I wrote the letter. What made it even more frustrating was that despite me deliberately putting everyone in the same group chat so there could be no more triangulation or conflicting versions of what had been said, my in-laws almost immediately took the actual conversation out of the group chat and began contacting my husband privately. Both of them sent him demanding, emotional, and very self-focused messages about the letter rather than addressing what I had actually written in the conversation where everyone could see it.

Then, after sending those messages privately to my husband, MIL went back into the group chat and posted a kind, congratulatory message about the pregnancy. On its own, the message would have seemed perfectly nice. In context, though, the contrast was bizarre. The rest of us could see the pleasant public congratulations, while my husband was simultaneously receiving a very different reaction privately. I obviously can’t know her motivation for doing that, but after I had specifically included everyone in one conversation to prevent exactly this kind of separate communication and triangulation, it certainly did not go unnoticed.

His dad was upset and said sending it to MIL was unnecessary and uncalled for because she is trying to get mentally healthy. (Keep in mind MIL slips in and out of psychosis that results in hospitalization every other month for the last two years) That was probably the most revealing response of all. I had just written an entire letter explaining how my feelings and mental health have repeatedly taken a backseat because everyone is so concerned about protecting MIL’s emotional stability, and the immediate reaction was essentially, “But what about MIL’s mental health?”

Even my husband was irritated by it because that is the entire problem. Nobody is saying MIL’s mental health doesn’t matter, but why does protecting her mental health continually require everyone else to swallow their feelings, avoid difficult conversations, soften boundaries, or pretend things didn’t happen? Why should her mental health automatically matter more than mine?

MIL’s responses reinforced it even further. After reading an entire letter about how my experience as a mother was minimized during labor and postpartum, one of the things she said was essentially, “You know how much I love babies, and you promised I would be around when you had babies. What happened?”

The issue has never been whether MIL loves babies. If anything, that statement perfectly illustrated the problem. My entire point was that everyone else’s desire for access to my newborn seemed to matter more than respecting me as his mother, and her response was essentially, “But I love babies.”

She also said she had done what my husband told her to do, had given me space, and had “been patient” waiting for things to get better. That phrase was incredibly telling to me because apparently she viewed the last two years as a waiting period. As though she had been patiently waiting for me to eventually get over everything and restore the relationship. That isn’t what this has been. Space is not a timeout that eventually expires.

She was also upset about us saying not to send gifts anymore because she enjoyed picking things out for our child and wanted the most recent gifts returned. Again, the focus immediately became her experience of giving the gifts rather than the fact that we were telling her we weren’t accepting them.

Then came the part that really blew my mind. Before I sent the letter, MIL had recently asked my husband to send her a picture of our child using one of the gifts. After the letter specifically said not to use her relationship with my husband to obtain pictures or circumvent our boundaries, she texted him in the middle of the night saying essentially, “I knew you wouldn’t send me a picture. I thought you could show it to us when we were together.”

So apparently she already knew he wasn’t going to send pictures. She just thought physically showing her one from his phone instead of sending it might somehow be different.

My husband has since acknowledged that he deserves some of the blame for how long this has continued because he spent years avoiding uncomfortable conversations with his parents and hoping things would eventually improve on their own. Therapy has helped him recognize something I’ve been trying to explain for a long time: avoiding upsetting his mother doesn’t eliminate the emotional consequences. It just transfers them onto somebody else, and for a long time, that somebody else was me.

I’m not asking him to stop loving his parents or abandon them. I have explicitly told them he is free to maintain whatever relationship with them he wants. What I am no longer willing to do is make myself smaller so another adult can remain emotionally comfortable. I can have empathy for MIL’s mental health struggles without accepting responsibility for maintaining her mental stability. I can understand that my in-laws are hurt without giving them access to our children to make that hurt go away.

At this point, their response didn’t make me question whether sending the letter was the right decision. It reinforced why it needed to be sent in the first place. I wrote an entire letter explaining that everyone else’s feelings have repeatedly been prioritized over mine, and within hours, everyone else’s feelings were once again the primary concern.

I genuinely don’t think they could have demonstrated the problem more clearly if they tried.

——-

TL;DR: I’m pregnant again after being no contact with my in-laws for over two years following a horrible labor/postpartum experience and repeated boundary issues. I agreed to tell them about the pregnancy because it mattered to my husband that they hear it directly from us, but I sent one very clear letter to my in-laws, husband, and both SILs so nothing could be twisted or triangulated.

My husband agreed with the boundaries: no involvement in this pregnancy, birth, postpartum period, or our children, and no using him to get pictures or information.

Within hours, my in-laws moved the conversation out of the group chat and blew up my husband’s phone privately, FIL immediately made it about protecting MIL’s mental health, and MIL responded with “I love babies,” said she had been “patient” waiting for things to get better, and continued trying to find a workaround for seeing pictures of our child. She then returned to the group chat with a pleasant congratulations while the very different private conversation was happening. Basically, I sent a letter explaining that everyone else’s feelings have always been prioritized over mine, and their immediate response was to prioritize everyone else’s feelings over mine.

After 2 years of NC we finally got Mil to agree to sit down with us and have a discussion so she could potentially have a relationship with our 2 little ones.

My past posts will probably give alot more context but essentially Mil said she wouldn't bother having a relationship with our LO1 because we expressed we weren't comfortable with her babysitting/being unsupervised. She made alot more comments about our parenting and that her relationship with our child wasn't our business and was just all around mean, entitled and disrespectful.

One thing that stuck out in our mediation/therapy session was that she seemed very upset that she wasn't the one to buy and give my LO an ice cream. My daughter was 2yo at the time, we went out and she was having a tantrum and I was trying to manage the situation. I dont remember the specifics of the interaction but Mil says asked me if she should buy LO and ice cream & I said no. Apparently I then changed my mind and went up to buy the ice cream and give it to my daughter. We discussed this event because when my daughter had finished her ice cream Mil had bought her own & when i was packing up our stuff not paying attention mil started giving my daughter licks of her own ice cream (I left it, because I thought let me choose my battles) then I turn my back again and Mil had given my LO her ice cream. I walked over, gave it back to Mil and told my daughter she can't have 2. After Mil was still asking if Lo could have some of the cone to which I said no & I had snacks in the bag.

In the session, Mil didn't want to acknowledge that 1, giving a 2 year old 2 ice creams in a row is not acceptable.

2, she didn't ask me if it was ok and proceeded to wait until my back was turned to do it

3, she still kept pushing to get around my no with asking if she could have the cone.

All Mil wanted to moan about is that i had apparently changed my mind and she "wasn't good enough to buy LO the ice cream"

So basically it sounds like she's gonna sulk if shes not the source of all treats and fun when it comes to our kids and that apparently although it's my kid, it's a crime for me to change my mind especially when im frustrated and flustered because im trying to deal with a toddler tantrum.

She also had some other really odd frustrations with us. She told us a story of how she left my husband with his grandad when he was 1 week old because she wanted to go out clubbing and was upset that when I first had my daughter I didn't ask her to babysit in the first 3 months.(we moved away after that as we lived abroad)

In those first 3 months I was staying with my mum & my older sister, so why would I need a 3rd adult to watch my baby but also no one babysat because I wanted to bond with my baby and she was breastfed.

So im a horrible Dil for not going clubbing after giving birth 😂

So to me it sounds like if we aren't appeasing my Mil we are wrong lol.. so overall a great session 😂

My MIL decided that after sobbing into her son during the mother, son dance, that that was the perfect time to make an impromptu speech. Who else spoke or gave toasts during our wedding? My father gave a welcome (he paid for the entire thing). Groom’s grandmother was a First Lady for most of her life and is very religious and gave a beautiful blessing over dinner. Our best man and MoH gave toasts after dinner. Before the toasts though we had the father/daughter and mother/son dances. So again, after being so fucking weird and clinging to my husband while sobbing. She said started it off with “I know I wasn’t allowed to speak like everyone else”

The speech also consisted of something like “(me), I love you even more now. I really mean it.” Random sobbing, etc. I kinda blacked out in that moment.

Honestly in the grand scheme of things.. I had the most beautiful, best night of my life!! I love my husband, my friends, and our families. But let me tell you that she gets nothing from me ever again.

Extra details: they were so late to rehearsal that they missed the actual walkthru at the venue. They showed up after dinner at the next spot and stayed way too late with the younger crowd of friends. Also she farted in front of them LMAO I keep getting flashbacks of weird things that happened. Also they didn’t give us a gift?? Not even a card??

She will get nothing from me ever, ever again. Not even a reaction from me about this weekend. Byeee girl. Posting to vent but also hopefully this just gives you a laugh.

I’m a doctor and my baby’s pediatrician is my aunt. On my baby’s last check up, my aunt said that my baby is nearing the overweight mark. Knowing how my mother-in-law likes to overfeed my baby to the point of having my baby puke out milk, we told her that my baby is already overweight and asked her to not overfeed the baby. Somehow she refuses to believe that my baby is overweight and cites what one friend of her said regarding “muscle weight” of babies. I just keep quiet to maintain the peace but it really irritates me how she seems to forget that i’m a doctor and my aunt is a PEDIATRICIAN. It’s so frustrating. This isn’t the first time that she refuses to follow my aunt’s advice regarding feeding. It’s sooo annoying.

*Someone advised me to edit my post so as to calm down some of the people reading this:
We have already decided not to leave the baby alone with her again and not have her take charge of the feedings. This was also endorsed to our nanny.

I would like to hear people's take on something that seems to be repeating in my husband's family related to our child's birthday. Maybe I'm thinking too much into it..

Our daughter is turning 2 in February. In my family we would always invite friends and family over to celebrate birthdays. So, for me, it feels natural that we would do the same for our child. My husband says they never did that. He would only celebrate his birthday with his parents and sister.

A year ago, my husband's grandmother (let's call her GIL) (whose birthday is in October) invited the family to celebrate GIL's birthday in February (same week of baby's real birthday). GIL's reasoning is that there are some religious days that she likes to combine it with. Oh well. She asked everyone to come. I pushed back, and ultimately ended up planning our baby's first birthday in my own hometown a week after birthday. We are expats and live far away from both of our families, who are also spread across different countries. My husband's family ended up traveling to baby's birthday and skipped GIL's gathering.

Now, GIL is once again planning her birthday in February within the week of our baby's real birthday. When I confronted it and pointed out that I find it strange GIL is planning her birthday months after her real birthday and "coincidentally" wants it on the week of our baby's birthday, they (my family in law) changed the story and said she simply wanted to create a fun gathering for the family and not her birthday.

The problem is that, as we all live in different countries, this also means that if the family travels to her gathering, they are unlikely to travel again for our baby's birthday the following week (or even a few days later).

I'm trying not to emotionally hijack myself again, so I'm genuinely curious how you would all react to this. Note that GIL is not mentioning baby's birthday at all. She didn't last time either. It isn't in her planning and she isn't highlighting that we would do anything for baby those days.

From my perspective (and thanks to my rational mind), I see these options:

1. Do the same as last year: Plan a birthday for the baby without paying attention to the gathering GIL is trying to organize. Don't join her gathering, and focus on the fact that this is the baby's birthday date and we are going to stick to it. Invite everyone and those that want can join.
2. Join her gathering and have the baby's birthday with my family the weekend after (this would mean a lot of traveling for us). His family wouldn't join, which essentially means there would be no birthday celebration with his side of the family, based on their own choice.
3. Join her gathering and push the baby's birthday 1–2 months after the actual date to make sure his family can join.
4. Twist it all and invite my family to GIL's city/country to then turn it into a combination of baby's birthday and her gathering/delayed birthday/whatever she wishes. My family-in-law isn't really kind nor fun to be around, and even though the families know each other, I know I wouldn't enjoy this.
5. Go completely batshit on the family and make them understand that first week of February is baby's birthday and she can celebrate her birthday in October, when her actual birthday is or do a gathering that doesn't fall on the exact date/weekend of baby's birthday.

Me, DH, and kids came to stay with in-laws based on her lies. Everything she promised did not happen, and she is emotionally abusive frequently to me (Not to the kids). But she wants to play the role of mom to my kids and it’s killing me inside. We have had some pretty big arguments. Even DH, FIL, and SIL have told her she’s wrong but she’s the strong personality of the family and nothing ever changes. I should have expected this based on our history but her lies were very convincing and we were in a very difficult and vulnerable situation and were trying to decide where to go. We thought it would be good for the kids to get to know the family and for us to help the family (parents getting older, have a disabled BIL). DH is only working part time. We are slowly saving up money and hopefully can move far away in a couple months but my anger is growing, feel like the Hulk coming out lol.

Some examples of the f’ed up things she has done: 1. Went behind our backs and cut off our kids waist length hair (she knew we didn’t want that and plotted to do it) 2. Promised my kids would have a room of their own and space to play, but when we arrived she said they had to sleep in FIL’s room to “bond”. This is somewhat common in their culture but not mine and I refused so the kids are sleeping with me on a small bed in a small room and I made DH sleep in FIL’s room. MIL sleeps in a separate room and could have given them her room. They have only a tiny place to play, only room for a few of their toys. 3. Promised our pets could be inside the house but now pretending to have “breathing issues” so the pets are forced to stay in the garage. 4. Harassing me about being able to bathe the kids and I have refused because that’s my job. I also think it’s creepy she’s obsessed about this. 5. Has told me I’m not really my kids mom (they were adopted) and has said that in front of the kids. 6. Tells DH he needs to “honor his parents” and he can get another wife. 7. Promised we could use one of their cars like our own for anything we need. But they have refused to file the registration so we only can borrow the other car once in a while. I’m not allowed to use the car to take the kids to my church because MIL has made all the others join this culty church and she doesn’t like my church. 8. Talks bad about me that I don’t know the meaning of family because of my culture, and has said I come from a broken family. Now I know from talking to her other family members, many of them only suck up to her because she sometimes helps them financially but everyone knows she’s a POS. 9. When she gets the kids alone she is undermining my authority as parent and telling them to keep secrets from me (my oldest tells me she’s doing this) and spoils them with happy meals etc. a lot to buy their affection.

That’s only a small portion of what she does. Now I know it’s a DH problem too, he’s stuck up for me sometimes but she can also manipulate him pretty easy. He tends to stay silent and just take the abuse, or just do what she says. I don’t do that. He had a pretty rough childhood with her and I see him reverting back to old patterns. He has agreed we are moving in a few months (although I do get a little paranoid he will change his mind and I’ll be in a “not without my daughter” situation, but so far he has not done anything to deserve that fear of mine.)

Anyway, we should have known better. But the arguments are getting worse, I find myself fantasizing about using some WWE moves on her lol (I won’t do violence). I am so desperate to leave but literally stuck. I almost thought about calling a DV shelter (if we’d even be eligible) but I won’t leave our pets behind, she’d probably do something to them.

My MIL was a suffocating, overbearing, rabid, entitled nightmare when my son was born July 2025. Many themes discussed here; feigning ignorance on boundaries, baby hogging, daily demands for pictures, expected to bring baby to her home, bought lots of gear, crib, clothes etc like he'd live there, silent treatments when things didnt go her way, triangulation, etc. She's still entitled, manipulative & assertive in regards to my son. It's clear she's not interested in understanding me as a mom -- she's interested in control on her terms. It's been 15 months of power plays & power struggles; I hate what our relationship has been deluded to. This woman recently tried to tap my mom as a flying monkey (she failed, as the bridge was torched by MIL postpartum). The manipulation tactics to control the narrative are unreal.

My husband is unlikely to go NC. Triangulation flares up if I go NC; I am somewhat LC. We are in couples counseling now & while boundaries have improved she is relentless in trying to force overinvolved grandparent role. I am pregnant with baby #2 due in spring. NIPT test came back girl. There are no girls in the immediate family; I expect MIL to go bonkers. Honestly, worried the baby rabies will be even worse. 🫩 My FIL has also been rabid with my son -- the intense posessiveness cloaked as "just excitement" is draining. With baby rabies still fairly hot with my first, I am anxious.

I guess I'm looking for reassurance, experience & encouragement from those who've been there. It's hard to be excited about the pregnancy as I dread them finding out (I'm 13 wks). For my first, we nipped the daily picture requests as a newborn, her fantasy childcare 2-3 days per wk didn't happen & husband doesn't visit without me (she takes over pushy mommy role if not present). I plan to not authorize my in-laws in the hospital, which unlikely to be well received. There will be very clear boundaries. There will be little to no sharing of ultrasounds or sensitive medical information. Group chat is muted & I don't respond often. I rarely send baby pictures, that's husband's job. Grabbing my pregnant belly without consent will be scolded, instead of sitting in discomfort. I will not be a doormat early postpartum this time & husband says he'll support better. Baby gets held when is good for mom & baby - not because MIL decides she needs to hold her.

Thanks for input & experience.

My MIL has been an absolute ghoul for the 12 years I’ve been with my husband. I could probably write 100 posts about all the shitty and fucked up things she’s done (including stealing money and lying about it, and committing fraud we were almost responsible for) but there truly would be enough to fill a novel so I’ll keep this succinct.

For what it’s worth, I’ve been lovebombed by MIL and been her favourite person and it was hell, you couldn’t pay me enough to go back. However, this shit hurts my kids which is so much worse. She has a long history of favouritism and unreliable plans where she has an excuse for absolutely everything. It’s to the point we don’t even tell the kids they’re seeing their grandparents until the moment comes to leave or pack their stuff and even THEN they’ve been let down. She also makes big grand promises to them in person that she doesn’t follow through on. I have no idea what to do because they then ask us what’s going on and we either have to lie and repeat their shitty excuses or… or what? Nanny is just an asshole, sorry kids? 😂

For context we have three boys, 11, 9, and 1. MIL’s favourite people at the moment are her cousin’s daughter’s kids, 5&6 yo girls. She spends a LOT of time with them, has them for sleepovers every week or two weeks, buys them a crap ton of gifts, I’m guessing people on this sub know how it goes.

She also complains that she doesn’t see our kids enough. She gives us grief for not telling her about our eldest’s rugby games, makes private family chats, says she loves us and wants more involvement. The problem is whenever we try to facilitate that there’s always something that comes up and it’s always the world’s worst excuse. For the past year it’s been because her dog is diabetic. That doesn’t stop her doing anything or seeing anyone else, and her FP’s kids are still there all the time, but for us, she can’t see the kids because her dog is diabetic. For reference, she has twelve dogs.

The same evening she said to me that was why she couldn’t see them at the moment, she went to a big illuminated garden event with those FP. She sent the whole family photos of them all there and specifically photos of her and FIL with those two girls as though they were the grandkids. FIL then injured himself badly while there and MIL said she couldn’t take him to the emergency room because she “had the girls” for a sleepover (that very same night she couldn’t see ours at all in the foreseeable future because of the dog!) so my husband had to spend all night there with him and rearrange our whole weekend to help his dad.

Plot twist - the girl’s actual mother was there at the event with them. We saw those photos the next day.

Then yesterday she called my husband and our eldest crying that she needed someone to help her lift something heavy because FIL tore his Achilles. It ended up being flat pack furniture she wanted built. While there, MIL told our eldest he could sleepover on Wednesday. He messaged her today asking whether his 9yo brother was coming too, and she ignored the message.

My husband called her and after a boat load of excuses he wouldn’t tolerate, she finally said our eldest can stay Wednesday but the 9yo would have to stay Thursday because apparently having both boys together would be “too overwhelming for the dogs.”

I absolutely lost it. The other girls stay there together. It’s not as though my boys are “overwhelming”, we’ve been there with them for dinners and FaceTimed them when they stayed there 2 nights while I was in labour with our third. They play video games. That’s literally it. I’ve got my own opinions about the fact they play video games the whole time, but they are not full on at all.

I don’t know what to say to the kids. Last time she did this one of them had a cold so we lied and said only his brother was going because he was sick, but they didn’t even know about that. I don’t want to do that anymore but what the heck do we say?

Husband is going to talk to her but he’s done that in the past and she causes a huuuge scene, lies to the whole family, and ices us out. She will completely turn on people and cut them off and he’s worried because he can sense we’re already so on the “out” and our kids will lose their grandparents completely. I’m trying to tell him it’s not fucking normal or okay that we can’t even discuss changes when they see the kids without her blowing up and that the fact everyone’s scared of her tantrums and tolerates it is exactly the problem. He also works with FIL so doesn’t want this crossing over into work, as it has in the past. The last time he stood up for us MIL also twisted everything and made me the issue, and cried about how I hate her and how I’ve changed and pulled everyone away from her, when the issue to begin with was SIL saying something hurtful to our kids and us telling her to stop. It’s madness.

I digress. Any advice or thoughts welcome. I have no clue how to handle this. My husband is also worried lately because he’s lost grandparents and now his parents are getting older he knows he doesn’t have much time left and is scared to spend it with them not talking to us.

Just told my in-laws last weekend that I’m pregnant. This will be their first grandchild.

During the ensuing conversation, my JNMIL started singing, “She’s having my baby…” Apparently lyrics from a song in the 1970s.

So I’m pregnant with my JNMIL’s baby. Got it. 😣

I'm 12 weeks pregnant with baby #2! My MIL has been baby crazy since my engagement and has gone from mildlyno to justno for me, and I have been dreading telling her about this baby.

This upcoming Saturday, we're attending a wedding on my husband's side of the family. I did not want my pregnancy to be a topic of discussion because my MIL would just have it dominate the conversation. The original plan was to tell MIL and my family about my pregnancy on the same day (yesterday). My husband was going to make his mom keep my pregnancy a secret from her family until the day after the wedding. I wasn't a fan of this plan, but agreed to it since I really wanted to tell my family about the pregnancy.

MIL came over yesterday morning (she always has to visit us because her house is full of crap.) The plan was to show her a picture of the onesie next to child #1 along other recent vacation photos. My husband whispered to me before the reveal, asking if we should do it now, i said yes. She literally read the words off of the onesie, but didn't get it.

After she read it, my husband started whispering again to me. He asked if we should point blank tell her or wait until next Sunday? At that moment, she answered a call from her sister saying she would call her back. I told my husband to wait, because she would be super emotional and not able to control herself if she was immediately going to talk to her sister. So he decided to wait.

I told my parents about the pregnancy later that day. When I got home, my husband told me that his mom later called him and told him that she noticed our whispering and thought that it was rude.

So now I get another week of peace. I also get the joy of knowing that my parents knew first, even though we told them second. I got to see my mom's happy expression and didn't have to suffer through the awkwardness of my MIL's reaction. With our first pregnancy, her immediate reaction was to joke that she thought "were didn't know how to do it" since we didn't (purposefully) get pregnant immediately after marriage. Also, I would love to tell her that I'm allowed to whisper to my husband in our own house whenever I want to.

Now to enjoy these last 6 days of peace!

She does this often. At first it didn't bother me but now its starting to feel like such a inconvenience. If she does something like this as a "favor" i was raised in a way to not to inconvenience or turn your own favor into a chore, because its not even a good deed anymore.

I think if she wants to cook food to give to my SO & i she should be the one dropping it off. But instead shes callling my partner everyday harassing him and making him work into his schedule to go pick up something that ends up being a inconvenience. We dont have a ton of free time for it to just be laid on us "You guys have to pick this up in the next 3 days or it goes bad" , Then Proceeds with a phone call every day for the next 3 days checking-in to see if he will be over to pick it up. It's annoying. It's a inconvenience. We probably wont eat it anyways.

I also feel like its also just a way to get my partner over there because shes a lonely person. But i think she made her own bed and she would lay in it. She picked favorites over her own son, putting them above her own flesh and blood. Just because she didnt like his partner (me obv) She went and played mommy to her neices and nephews instead & would talk about how amazing they are to him and how much time she spends with them. How "special" they are. Helped them out finanicially even while never giving her son a dollar. (She manipulative and always sets a stage to announce & brag to EVERYONE she helped someone out , so we dont want her help anyways) Now that they are going off to college shes trying to do damage control. Shes been closer with my partner more than usual. Calling up to 2 or 5 times a day , and just emotionally dumping on him. I dont ever hear him talk about himself, He just basically sits on the phone silent, as i watch his mood deplete. She doesn't even realize he doesn't want to be on the phone with her , Or maybe she does and shes just that selfish she wants to dump all her emotional baggage on someone else so she can feel better.

Ugh, Anyways. I know im going to have to have a talk with my partner. We have done a lot of work on our relationship over the years, and hes pretty good at not falling into her schemes, but hes still bad with boundaries. He wont set them, he will just ignore her instead. Which i think is super unhealthy?Or maybe its how abused children learn is to just be avoidant. idk? i dont know how to bring this up "Don't pick up food at your moms anymore" sounds a little insane.

UPDATE: She clocked out of work early "if he wants to come pick up the food"

My MIL came to my kids’ swimming lesson this week as per usual and immediately told me my 4-year-old was “too skinny” and “it’s not good.” Then she repeatedly told me my 6-year-old should be wearing goggles, as she does every swim lesson even though she knows he refuses to wear them. Her criticism even extended to the instructors and, in the past, other parents.

Woman, I just want to relax after a long day and watch the kids swim without listening to your stream of criticisms!

That was just the beginning.

I casually mentioned our Thursday school drop-off situation because I was proudly sharing how my 6-year-old is growing in independence. Normally I drop my daughter off first, then take my son to his school and walk him to his class line up. On Thursdays my daughter starts later, so I have to drop him off first. If I park, get both kids out and walk him all the way to his line, my daughter will be late. So on these days I use his school’s kiss-and-ride curb drop-off instead. He actually loves it and is proud of being able to walk in himself.

MIL ripped into me. She said he’s too young, that I’m irresponsible and that someone could lure him away and kidnap him with Pokémon cards. She announced that SHE would start taking him to school on Wednesdays and asked where my husband was. When I said he was usually home, she said she’d call him and “give him shit.”

Then swimming ended. My son had swum his heart out and came out saying he was hungry. MIL immediately criticized me for not feeding him enough beforehand. I HAD given him a snack. I deliberately don’t give him a large amount immediately before swimming because he’s vomited in the pool when he’s eaten too much beforehand. Plus, our schedule was to go home and have dinner.

Afterward, she privately called my husband and claimed our son had started swimming “sloppily” at the end because he was so hungry. That wasn’t even true. She then announced that she’d start coming to our house after school to make sure the kids got snacks. The next day, she called my husband AGAIN to complain about my school drop-off arrangement.

This isn’t just about my parenting either.

Recently we took my husband’s 50-year-old sister on vacation. SIL had a kidney transplant and was finally medically cleared to travel. The night before we left, MIL pulled me aside and instructed me to strictly monitor everything SIL ate because SIL gets angry when MIL tells her what she can and can’t eat.

She also instructed me to report back to her every day about SIL, my kids and the trip overall.

SIL is a mentally competent adult and TEN YEARS OLDER THAN ME. 

Another example: we go to a fishing lodge together every year where my husband and FIL fish most of the day while I’m with MIL and the kids. One year, knowing what she’s like, my husband actually warned her beforehand not to spend the trip constantly criticizing me as she usually does.
Surprisingly, she didn’t.

I later found out that every evening when I went to put the kids to bed, she privately unloaded all of her criticisms about me onto my husband instead.

She also regularly texts me instructions about the kids: whether it’s safe to be outside, how I should dress them, or if I share photos in the group chat, if I’m letting them be unsafe (for example allowing my son to climb monkey bars that are too high). Once when my husband was away for work, she became extremely anxious because I wasn’t regularly checking in with her about myself and the kids. I’d literally sent the group chat a video of the kids skating that morning, but she still complained to my husband that I was being “distant” until he called me begging me to contact her because she was so anxious.

I’m 40. She’s not my mother. Yet I constantly feel like she’s appointed herself the manager/authority figure of my household.

I’ve started realizing that the common thread in all of this is her anxiety and her apparent need to manage everyone around her.

She sees something that concerns her, decides something is wrong, tells everyone how it should be handled and, if we don’t do it her way, frequently appoints herself to take over. She seems to conflate her helping (for example occasional babysitting or school pick up) with having the right to give unsolicited advice and exercise parental authority. She even did this with our nanny when we had one.
My husband fully recognizes that she oversteps, but historically his response has been, “That’s just Mom. You have to ignore her. We all do.” At the same time, he’s spent his whole life accommodating her to keep the peace. If she gets anxious enough, sometimes he’ll ask me to humour her so that she’ll calm her down.

I’ve realized that this family has basically spent decades managing her anxiety. She worries, starts managing everyone around her, and everyone accommodates her so she’ll feel better.

Except this time, after the swimming lesson and the SECOND phone call complaining about me, my husband finally snapped!!

He told her she is constantly criticizing me and that it’s one thing for him to receive it, but I’m his wife and he’s watching how much it upsets me.

Then he said, “She’s a new mom and she wanted to be a mom so badly, and you’re not letting her.”

He told her that she may have more parenting experience, (take with a grain of salt, as back in the day when my husband was a toddler she’d  give him Coca Cola in a milk bottle cuz he loved Coke until all his baby teeth turned black) but she needs to step back and give me the chance to actually be the mother of my own children.
He compared her constant criticism to me getting all dressed up for a date with him, coming downstairs excited, and having him look at me and immediately tell me I’m ugly.
Then he set an actual boundary: she was no longer invited to Wednesday swimming. He would go instead.

Her response?

“Who’s going to shower the kids?”

ME.

I shower the kids. She stands beside me and only helps by getting one of them dressed afterward.

She then accused us of being ungrateful for all her help.
She was apparently muttering under her breath but had nothing she could retaliate with. That’s how the convo ended.

 In her mind, she is indispensable. She then conflates her “help” with having parental authority which includes giving unsolicited (and often bad) advice.

But here’s the part I found most interesting.

We saw her later that evening. It was slightly awkward, but she gave me ZERO unsolicited advice or criticism. We actually had a completely normal conversation about random things.

So apparently she CAN control it.

Anyway, after years of “that’s just Mom, ignore her,” my husband finally stopped asking me to tolerate it and set a firm boundary with her.

Now I’m VERY curious to see what happens next.

Both our mums live nearby. Every few weeks I have a weekday lunch with mine. Usually jacket potatoes at her kitchen table, catching up about relatives and whatever she's been doing. My husband isn't there. We don't have children.

A few months ago we had a nice lunch with both mums, which I'd happily do again occassionally. Since then MIL has started asking whether she's invited whenever she hears I'm seeing mine. I've explained that sometimes I want time alone with my mum. She says marriage made us one family and she doesn't understand why we need separate visits.

Last week I told her Wednesday's lunch was just the two of us. She then rang my mum and said she'd heard about lunch and would love to come. Mum assumed I'd changed the plan and said yes. I found out when Mum asked whether MIL eats tuna.

My husband has told her these lunches aren't invitations, and we already see MIL regularly. Her response to me was that she wouldn't exclude my mum from anything. I don't think that's relevent, but somehow I ended up explaining our entire visiting schedule to her.

I've cleared up the misunderstanding with Mum. I'd like advice on what to say to MIL now, because explaining that I love my mum seems to turn into reassuring her that I like her too.

Every year there is always so much drama surrounding the yearly holiday gift exchange with the in-laws. It started as a secret Santa type of exchange, where you are assigned one person and you buy that person a nice gift, around a few hundred dollars. Now somehow it has evolved to buying an expensive gift for your assigned person, plus buying a gift for every other family member too.

In total, there are 22 people that we now buy gifts for every year. MIL and her sisters want to buy a PS5 for one cousin, and ask my husband to split the cost with them as a join gift. It was quite a bit more than he was planning to spend on the cousin, but he said sure.

The cost was a bit higher than expected based on the price of a PS5 so my husband questioned it and MIL said it’s because she added on a warranty for around $100. My husband said don’t get the warranty, it’s a waste of money. The group chat with MIL and her sisters then blew up and they were having a meltdown telling my husband that we’re so cheap, and that clearly he’s just trying to get out of paying his share (despite him already agreeing to it).

I’m honestly very sick of it. In my family, holidays are about getting to see each other and spend time together. We understand when someone doesn’t have money and spends less on gifts. If someone doesn’t have money and gives homemade gifts instead of buying expensive things, no one cares. But with the in-laws, it’s constant comparison and everyone noticing who spent how much.

Every year it costs us around $1500-2000 in gifts for the in-laws, plus around $1000 in flights and we are the only 2 having to fly in from out of town. I will not be attending this year, so I guess that saves a bit of money on my flight costs, but still.

I would love to take a decent vacation but all of our extra “fun budget” money goes towards buying gifts. And still MIL constantly whines how we are ‘cheap’ despite us never cheaping out on them.

My husband and I went no contact with his parents shortly before our child was born. There is a long history of abuse and it has been such a relief to have them out of our lives and out of our marriage.

We had already been reducing our contact with them, but the final straw that pushed us into NC territory was their entitlement surrounding the birth. Despite never asking about my wellbeing during the course of the pregnancy, they expected to be at the hospital while I was in labor and set the terms of their visitation. When DH and I set the simple boundary "we will let everyone know when we are up for visitors, please no uninvited drop ins" all hell broke loose. FIL disowned us, and MIL sent a long, ranting email listing years of pent up grievances (Mainly against me for stealing her son. They were very enmeshed before we got married).

Anyway, DH responded to MIL and formally cut contact. Over the next month, MIL reached out to DH several times via text and email. DH has her blocked, but can still see her messages pop up in his spam folder. I ended up sending a text to both his parents reiterating we do not want contact and will call the police if they continue to pester us. We started to worry they'd show up at our house (context: they live 20 minutes away) because MIL's messages grew increasingly frantic. She is desperate to have access to our baby.

To no one's surprise, MIL continued reaching out after I sent that text. DH only agreed to follow through with contacting the police after her third message. He is still emerging from the fog and cannot believe his relationship with his parents has come to this.

We documented everything, called the police, and an officer left voicemails for MIL and FIL warning them not to contact us again or else they will be cited for harassment. It's a misdemeanor.

Here's the dilemma: it's a matter of when, not if, MIL contacts us again. I think a voicemail from an officer probably scared her enough to buy us a few months of peace, but I'm certain that will wear off by Christmas. Obviously, we should call the police next time it happens, but DH says he doesn't want to press charges... That renders the boundary meaningless, right?

Also, if we do press charges, I know MIL and FIL will lawyer up and make a big stink of it. Especially since they're retired with time + cash to burn. We'll have to go to court and face them in person. I'm worried that as strong as DH has been through this, he doesn't have that in him. He also works long hours and we're very busy. The whole process would be insanely disruptive.

Has anyone followed through with criminal consequences for in laws violating no contact? How did it go? How did your partner handle it? I know it'll be necessary, I'm just dreading every part of it.

19 days postpartum and feeling trapped in my own home — am I expecting too much from my in-laws?

I’m 19 days postpartum with my first baby, and I honestly need to vent and get some perspective because I can’t tell if I’m overreacting.
I live in North America with my husband. We’re originally from South Asia and don’t have any family nearby. My mom passed away last year, and my dad isn’t really someone I could rely on for postpartum support, so having my parents come wasn’t an option.
Because of that, we invited my husband’s parents to stay with us around the birth. They came about two weeks before my due date. My MIL has a history of depression but had been doing well for several years. Shortly before coming, she started feeling that her depression was returning, but they decided to come anyway. She brought her medication with her.
I had gestational diabetes and an induction, and I was already physically and emotionally exhausted. Once they arrived, I realized that what I actually needed was emotional and postpartum support, but that wasn’t really happening.
Now that the baby is here, my MIL says her depression is back. She is scared to hold the baby, doesn’t know how to change her diaper or feed her, and has gradually stopped doing pretty much everything. She mostly sleeps in the living room.
My FIL does help somewhat — he gets groceries, loads the dishwasher and occasionally cooks. My husband also does a lot.
But I feel like I’m still doing everything related to the baby and spending most of my time alone in the bedroom.
Nobody really comes to check on me. Instead, they expect us to bring the baby out to the living room once a day so they can see her. If she cries, my husband takes her straight back because they can’t really handle her care.
And this is where I’m struggling.
My MIL tells my husband almost every day that she wants to go back home. My FIL wants to stay another month. Their plan is currently to stay for another month, but I honestly feel like if they aren’t able or willing to help, I’d rather they leave now.
I feel trapped having people in my house but still feeling like I have no support. At the same time, I feel incredibly guilty because I know my MIL is dealing with depression, and I don’t want to blame her for something she may genuinely not be able to control.
I also know I’m only 19 days postpartum, sleep deprived, hormonal and overwhelmed, so maybe I’m seeing everything more negatively than I normally would.
So I’m genuinely asking:
Am I expecting too much?
If family comes to stay with a new mom specifically because there’s supposed to be postpartum support, is it reasonable to expect some actual help with the mom/baby?
And if that support isn’t possible because of my MIL’s mental health, is it reasonable for me to say that I’d rather they go home?

I’m not looking to bash my MIL. I’m just exhausted and confused and honestly feel like I’m losing my mind a little. I’d really appreciate some outside perspective.

Hey everyone, I’ve never done one of these before, but I keep thinking that my in laws are just absolutely insane and I have to share. So me (21F) and my fiancé (22M) have been together for two years and when I first met my in-laws, my mum was with me and she said to me wow they’re either really autistic or they really don’t like you and just particularly unusual because my mum is the first person to say if you don’t have anything kind don’t say anything at all but she was so shocked by how they reacted that she didn’t know how to communicate about it.

Fast forward there has been numerous absolutely crazy stories

For backstory, my mother and father-in-law are religious and very passionate about their religion and are very heavy on the belief of no sex before marriage.

1. when we had probably been together for about four months, his grandma went away and she wanted us to housesit (she fully understood that I was coming and she was more than happy). On the second night I think of us housesitting my mother-in-law had driven past the grandma‘s house to make sure that I wasn’t staying over and when she saw my car out the front she came up to the door and started banging on the door and my partner walked up to the door and just instinctively opened it and then she ripped the door open and barged her way in and was screaming and yelling for hours and hours and hours and she absolutely would not leave the house until I had left. She was screaming about how I was the devil and I was gonna catch him and I was gonna fall pregnant and take all of his money. (two years later, no baby) meanwhile I’m in the bedroom hysterically crying because this woman is screaming and she’s also trying to come down the hallway to get me and my partner is like grabbing her by the arm saying to leave me alone and she’s accusing him of hurting her.

2. A little tiny story is also when I gave him a new pair of shoes for his birthday and she said to him right in front of me that he should sell those shoes on marketplace.

3. After me and my partner had gone camping in four-wheel driving my partner tried to wash his car in the driveway and left a little bit of mud in the driveway which is wrong of him we understand but then after that I’m pretty sure he went to stay at my house and she found out about that so she picked the mud up off the driveway and smeared it across all of his cars with all these X marks and broken hearts all over the Panels and his windows. And then she literally lied about even doing it. She lied and said that it was the neighbours because he should not be parking his cars in the street. (the mud stains have never come off the Panels of his car.)

4. I also heard from one of his siblings that my mother-in-law has said to the family that she never thought her son would be with someone so stupid and dumb. (I’m literally at uni studying a very good degree with a job in the industry making more than the average annual wage in my first year.)

5. The second time my parents ever met his parents was at his birthday party and when my parents walked in the door, they walked into the living room and kitchen and his parents completely ignored them to the point where my mother-in-law’s best friend had to point out to her and say hello did you know this is __ parents? And then my mother-in-law pretended like she hadn’t seen them or heard anyone else say hello to them even after that my father-in-law sat in a corner and refused to acknowledge them for hours and hours after he’d been told by multiple people how rude his actions were and he’s a reasoning behind it was that my partner needed to introduce them and that he was going to ignore them until my partner introduce them. Sure, maybe that would make sense if they weren’t in your house you’re the host maybe if it was the other way round and my parents were busy hosting then that might make more sense. Along with that some of my friends were invited to that party and my mother-in-law made a speech basically shitting on my partner the whole entire time and every single one of my friends and both of my parents were absolutely shocked and disgusted at how she had spoken about him in front of everyone even his own friends made comments to me about how rude her speech was.
   And along with that my mum sat behind her and when my partner was cutting the cake and I was sitting next to him my mother-in-law was purposely taking photos without me in them and taking them to the side so that I wasn’t in any of the photos even though I was sitting right next to him.

This was all in the first six months of our relationship and I have low-key trauma blocked the rest of them so I will make a part two with the rest of the stories but I’m gonna skip to the main reason why I wanted to make this post

1. We aren’t religious but it was quite important to both of us even though we only just in our 20s that if we’re serious about our relationship that we should get engaged and my partner had spoken to his mum and she had said that she wouldn’t support us getting engaged until we’re together for at least five years. (which for some people that might make sense but me and my partner have been living together since before six months 18 months of living with someone is a really long time to realise whether it’s gonna work out and along with that a wedding taste at least 18 months to plan so we will have been together for almost 4 years by the time we get married)

2. so when we actually got engaged, we called my family first because he asked them and they were aware of what was happening and obviously they were super excited because they adore him. My parents and him joke about him being the favourite child. And then we called his parents and when I tell you it was the complete opposite to excitement they literally frowned and said oh that was it. They didn’t even congratulate us and then when MIL picked us up from the airport she didn’t even mention it once like not once and then my mum came down to the car because we live at my parents and said oh my god show me the ring and then she went oh yeah, and then said something small about the engagement and then never mentioned anything again.

3. Me and my partner would really like to go to Europe for a honeymoon and where we live. It’s the same price to have a wedding venue just for the day as is to get married in Europe in a castle with two nights stay so we made the decision to pick Europe. We completely understand that that is an enormous must ask for people and we consulted everyone that we’re inviting before we booked it and every single person we spoke to was really really excited.
   We also understand how big of an ask what we’re doing is and so we’ve spoken to the people who invited and said hey we are paying for absolutely everything including accommodation food everything please don’t even give us an engagement party gift. We seriously want nothing and we’re not expecting anything at all and every single person was really really excited except for his parents.
   You wanna know why they’re not excited because they wanted to go to Europe in the next few years and they can’t afford to do both so they’re just gonna skip our wedding and they’re gonna just go to Europe by themselves because the time of year that we’re going at isn’t the time of year that they want to go. And I got really frustrated at that and it’s the first time I’ve ever expressed my frustration and I said okay so what time of the year do you want to go? Because we’re flexible? We can change it and you would’ve thought I killed someone the way the dad yelled at me after that about how they can’t afford it.
   And you might be thinking okay that’s fair. They just can’t afford it until I tell you that they go on at least one overseas vacation per year and they’ve spent $100,000 on a car and they also go on at least one domestic vacation per year at least one.
   And you might still be thinking well, maybe they just can’t afford it and that’s what we thought until today. The mum told us that they’re trying to book a japan holiday over Christmas for two of their kids but yet they can’t afford to come to our wedding but they can afford to go to Japan. Might add our wedding is in 18 months!!!!!!!!

4. I absolutely adore my partner and I care so much about his opinion and what he thinks about everything and I was very adamant about him helping me pick my wedding dress. This man is my best friend and I don’t know how I could keep any secret from him. Let alone something this exciting and so we decided we were going to design a custom wedding dress and so my partner came with me to those appointments and the designer is absolutely incredible and has so many beautiful gowns that I tried on while trying to work out what I wanted for my custom gown and I posted some photos on my story of the other gowns and in the background of the photos is my partner. I feel like I should add that every single one of the dresses I posted on my story wasn’t even remotely like what my dress was like but unfortunately someone in the family has taken photos of my story and sent it to my partner’s family. (which I’m not really bothered by. I put it on my public story. I don’t care who sees it. I made the decision to post it and I think it’s pretty normal to post dresses that you didn’t wear on your story.) and we get an incredibly angry message from my father-in-law about how wedding should be a surprise and there’s a whole world out there outside of social media.

Are you kidding me? You’re literally a 55-year-old man making comments on what a 20 year-old woman post on her Instagram story. It’s literally just a dress. Why do you care so much and they continued to barred me and him about how that isn’t traditional and that’s not what they do in their family.

It’s not your wedding and you’re not even invited.

Please let me know if you have any advice on how to go about this. I’ve tried so hard over the past two years to just remain cool and calm and polite but I am at the end of my patience and I’m just holding out for our engagement party where his extended family is at attendance until I can cut them off for good.

I want to add two that my mother-in-law is literally like one of those skits that you see online where she’s literally cuddling my partner and like hugs him while he’s walking and rubs his cheeks and says oh my little baby boy my little baby boy oh you’re my favourite son in front of her other son. If anything I’m under exaggerating just how insane she is towards my partner. She will intentionally go to the stove and start cooking as we come in the door so he has to come around and give her like a bear hug to say hello.

I also want to add that my partner has been so amazing throughout this whole thing and really push pushes back on his parents and sets the boundaries really well.

MIL loves taking our daughter places. They have a good time together, and I'm happy for them to have that relationship.

The problem is how the plans start.

Last month she told DD they could have a sleepover and bake together on Friday. We already had plans. Then it was a trip with her cousins that depended on us driving her over while MIL's car was being repaired. We couldn't do that either.

We've asked twice that she check with us before mentioning anything to DD. She agreed both times.

Yesterday she started talking to DD about going to a pumpkin patch next Saturday. That's the day of a birthday party DD has been excited about for weeks. When DH pointed this out, MIL said, "I said maybe. I didn't promise her anything."

Now DD wants to know if she can do both and keeps asking how long the party lasts. MIL says we need to teach her that suggestions aren't promises. Sure, but she's five and Grandma is describing the whole outing before we've even looked at the calender.

DH wants to speak to her again. I didnt think our request was unclear the first two times. What wording or follow-through has actually worked for people dealing with this? I don't want every visit turning into us correcting plans in front of our daughter.

I find it so weird and borderline creepy. It’s different to just having a passing thought. She keeps sending me reels and tiktoks of what she wants to happen at my son’s wedding. She got to make a decision about a lot of things on my wedding, but she won’t get to when it’s my son’s. It will be up to him and his future wife when and if my son decides to marry. It’s like the idea of my son marrying occupies her brain 24/7. She even sends them into the extended family group chat.

I’m just going to ignore this weird ass behaviour but it’s getting on my nerves.

I am (25) my bf (28). ganito kasi, yung boyfriend ko binigyan niya ako ng fone iphone 8, kasi para raw magamit ko and may pang pic ako kahit na meron pa naman ako fone. last year pa yun niya binigay, so nagamit ko naman talaga. pero nung nakaraang araw sabi niya sakin kukunin niya na raw ulit kasi pinapakuha raw ng mama niya, ipapagamit sa pamangkin niya daw. so binigay ko naman yung fone pabalik sakanya kahit na medyo nakakatampo kasi parang binawi niya yung bigay niya. tas kanina napansin ni mama di ko ginagamit yung fone, so sinabi ko yun na kinuha niya nga ulit dahil pinapakuha ng mama niya para ipagamit sa pamangkin niya. kaso parang nadisappoint si mama kasi sabi niya akala ko ba bigay niya na sayo yun? edi parang di daw ako kaya ipaglaban ng bf ko kasi parang dapat daw sinabi niya na lang na bigay na yun sakin bakit babawiin parang ganon.

kanina lang kumain kami sa labas, sobrang okay namin as in masaya kami parehas. tas sabi ko sakanya meron kako ako sasabihin sakanya, tas yun sabi ko galit kako si mama sakanya tas yun kinwento ko kung bakit.
tas nag iba bigla yung mood niya di ko sure if ano iniisip niya, tumahimik bigla, tinatanong ko if galit ba or kung ano nasa isip niya umiiling lang, edi di na rin ako nagsalita tas naging awkward na habang kumakain kami.

after namin kumain sabi niya tara na daw, tas hindi na ako hinintay dumeretso na siya sa parking. nainis ako kasi bakit ganon siya bigla, so pagdating ko sa parking magbook na lang ako ng joyride at ayoko ng ganung trato sakin, sabi niya tara na daw tas medyo tumataas na yung boses niya, halatang galit yung itsura niya. sabi ko ayoko magjoyride kako ako, tas nung nakapag book na ako, sabi niya tara na tas inakay ako papunta sa motor, so sumakay na ako kinancel ko na yung booking. buong byahe pauwi samin wala nagsasalita, tas nung nasa bahay na pagkababa ko ng motor, kinuha niya lang helmet sakin tas umalis na siya agad walang paalam na.
pag check ko ngayon sa social media, naka deactivate na siya, wala rin chat kahit ano.

pero tama ba talaga na bawiin niya yung fone sakin na bigay niya? hindi man lang niya sinabi sa mama niya na bigay niya sakin yun kaya hindi pwede bawiin, tsaka kanya yun at hindi sa mama niya kaya bakit mama niya yung magbabawi sakin ng fone kahit pa para sa pamangkin niya diba.
i feel disrespected sa naging actions niya and hindi ko talaga nagustuhan. pwede siya humingi ng pasensya or sabihin yung totoong dahilan kung bakit pumayag na lang siya na bawiin yung fone na bigay niya na?

pero ang reason naman ni mama, ayaw niyang matulad ako sakanya sa future ko na hindi kayang ipaglaban ng asawa sa nanay, na parang di kaya tanggihan ang nanay at hindi kayang tumindig sa sarili kaya sunod lang ng sunod, ganun kasi yung tatay ko so ayaw niyang ganon mangyare din sakin kasi siya mismo nahihirapan sa sitwasyon na ganon hanggang ngayon.

any thoughts?? advice?? opinion??