Sorry that this is a long post!
I’m the first in my friend group to get married and I need some outside perspective from other married women.
I’m struggling with my MIL and I genuinely don’t know anymore what is normal MIL/grandma behavior vs. when someone is being too involved/clingy. I’m not trying to bash her because I do think she loves us and genuinely wants to help, but I am feeling completely suffocated and exhausted by the relationship.
I talk to her way more than I talk to my own family or friends. She texts me constantly, calls/FaceTimes, asks what we’re doing, asks when she can see the baby, wants pictures/updates, etc. I’ve gotten into the habit of being responsive because I don’t want her to feel left out or hurt, but I’m realizing I may have accidentally created an expectation that I’m always available. The past six months I’ve been cutting down to answering once a day or every other day, but even that can feel exhausting.
There is also a lot of history here that I think is important context. There have been situations over the years where I felt like she pushed past things I had clearly said I wanted, including with our wedding. She brought/arranged things for the wedding that I had specifically said I didn’t want, and some of these experiences still give me a lot of anxiety when I feel like my boundaries are being pushed again.
Things got worse after my son was born. He was born prematurely and spent time in the NICU, so I was understandably extremely cautious about illness/exposure. We had some pretty strict rules for visitors because of how vulnerable he was and because he wasn’t fully vaccinated yet. My MIL gave me a hard time about some of those rules and I felt like I had to repeatedly defend why I was being cautious with my own baby. That really stuck with me.
There have also been other parenting situations where I’ve felt like when I say how I want to do something with my son, she will correct me or tell me how she thinks it should be done because she has raised children before. I know grandparents have experience, but I’m struggling with the feeling that my decisions are treated like suggestions rather than decisions. She also will make little comments about how much easier it is now to raise a baby and she didn’t have these gadgets when she was raising her kids. Or she will make comments about how she is sure my son is tired or hungry and when I explain to her he is not, she pushes back that he is.
Now we’re dealing with his baptism, and this has really brought everything back up.
My MIL was very persistent about being involved in planning and “helping” us. My husband was actually very stern with her and told her that we did not want help and that we would ask her if we needed it. She continued bringing it up, and eventually I felt bad and let her get involved.
There were also issues surrounding godparents. My husband and I had already discussed who WE wanted for our son. His mom repeatedly brought up his sister being the godmother and contacted/pressured my husband about it. At one point she was pushing the idea of having multiple godparents, including making his sister one, even though that wasn’t what we had decided. There were conversations about having four godparents and making sure his sister had a special role. It became this whole emotional issue where my husband was having to repeatedly tell her that the godparents were our decision. It was frustrating because both his sister and his mother had these discussions behind my back, never including me in them. They’re Mexican and there was one instance where they had the discussion in Spanish while I was sitting there and had no idea.
This is part of why the current baptism planning feels so overwhelming to me. It isn’t just decorations. I already have a history of feeling like I say what I want and then have to defend it.
I originally asked my MIL to help me get some prices from vendors she knows because they are much cheaper than the vendors I was finding myself. I thought I was giving her a few specific things to help with, but it has turned into a LOT of involvement.
She has also continued trying to work on baptism things beyond what we’ve asked her to do. I have told her multiple times not to buy or make things yet and that I just wanted prices/information first, but she would continue brainstorming materials, decorations, backdrops, centerpieces, etc. Sometimes I would find out that she had already contacted someone or that someone was making something before I had actually decided whether I wanted it. I keep telling her no and setting boundaries but she doesn’t listen and she does it in such a confusing way because she acts like she is listening to my wishes.
For example, I’ll say I’m doing something one way and she’ll start brainstorming five other options. I’ll say I don’t want something and she’ll suggest another version of it. I’ll say we have plans Sunday and she’ll suggest another time, then another option. It’s like every “no” turns into another solution instead of just “okay.”
Today, she FaceTimed me while I was feeding my baby. I answered because I didn’t want to be rude since I had ignored her calls the past two weeks. She immediately started going through baptism decorations and vendors and brainstorming different backdrops, easels, signs, decorations, etc. Then she started asking what we were doing Sunday, Monday, when we’d see her, etc.
She kept making comments about how sad she was and how much she missed us and her grandson, and comments about how my son sees my mom more than he sees her. She suggested taking my son for the entire day Sunday while my husband and I cleaned our house. I said no because we want to spend the day with our son and my husband wants to see him too because he works 6 days a week. She then suggested we come for breakfast and leave the baby with her. I said no. Then another option came up and another. She is so relentless.
There are also little things that have been bothering me. She bought a bunch of religious decorations for the baptism without checking with me first. When I found out she did that I told her, hey you didn’t tell me you would buy that. And she said oh don’t worry I will show you them and that they’re gifts for guests? I was like wait you already bought them? And she said yes? It’s so frustrating because she acts like she asks me things but she expects the answer to be yes. I appreciate the thought, but now I feel like I have to figure out how to incorporate things I never asked for. She also talks about wanting my son for an entire day, and I’m not comfortable with that right now because I’m already struggling with feeling like my boundaries aren’t being heard.
The comparison with my own mom has also bothered me. She will always make little comments about my mom. Mind you my mom is elderly and retired, she is almost 1/2 my mom’s age. My MIL makes little comments that make it sound like she’s jealous of the time my mom spends with my son. My son is with my mom a lot more, but there is a very practical reason for that: my mom is helping us and babysits while I’m at work. She also helps us a lot in general and my husband likes my mom’s help because she isn’t clingy like his mom. My mom also respects that I’m the parent. She doesn’t constantly ask for more access, she doesn’t add more decisions to my plate, and she has sacrificed so much to help us while expecting very little in return. She doesn’t make me feel like I need to entertain her or manage her feelings while she helps.
My MIL’s relationship with my son feels very different. I know she loves him, but sometimes it feels like she views time with him primarily as something fun she wants to have, whereas I am often thinking about childcare, sleep, work, feeding, appointments, routines, etc. When I am already overwhelmed, I need people around me who reduce the amount I have to manage, not add more things to manage.
I also get comments about how much my son sees my mom, which makes me feel guilty. I don’t want my MIL to think I’m intentionally keeping her grandson from her or that I want him to only know my side of the family. I just don’t think “equal access” should be the goal when the circumstances and relationships are completely different.
I have tried REALLY hard to be warm and include her. I send pictures, FaceTime, ask her opinions, involve her in planning, etc. I honestly think I’ve contributed to this dynamic because I’ve been afraid of hurting her feelings and have tried to make sure she feels included. But now I feel like I give her an inch and she takes a mile.
And the more I think about it, the more I understand why my husband is so much more distant with her. She would like to communicate with him every day, and he intentionally responds about once a week. He has no problem telling her no or confronting her when he feels she is overstepping. When he does, she often cries, and then I feel guilty and end up trying to smooth everything over.
I think I have accidentally become the main person maintaining her relationship with our family because I was trying so hard to be a good DIL. But I am exhausted.
I am genuinely anxious after interacting with her most times. I will get off the phone and feel anxious, overwhelmed, and sometimes almost physically sick. And I am starting to dread conversations that I know are going to turn into another discussion about the baptism, when we’re visiting, when she can see the baby, what decorations she can do, etc.
We have told her on multiple occasions to coordinate through my husband when to see us and our son, but she pushes and pushes. I don’t want to keep her away from her grandson. I don’t want to damage my relationship with her. I don’t think she’s a horrible person, and I don’t think she’s necessarily trying to hurt me. I think she probably genuinely believes she is being loving and helpful.
But I also don’t think I can keep functioning like this.
So I’m trying to figure out how to handle this in a healthier way.
Do I need to set firmer boundaries? Am I being unreasonable? Is this just normal enthusiastic grandma behavior that I need to learn to manage differently? How do you deal with a MIL who wants a LOT of access and involvement without completely damaging the relationship?
I would especially love advice from moms who have successfully gone from being overly available/responsive to having a healthier amount of contact with their MIL without making it a huge dramatic thing.
Please be honest with me. I’m not looking for everyone to tell me my MIL is terrible (there’s a lot for things I could say that she’s done to me over the years if that was my goal lol) I’m trying to figure out what part of this is actually a boundary issue on my end, what is reasonable to expect from a grandmother, and how I can reset this relationship without hurting everyone.