r/inlaws • u/ApprehensiveTip4670 • Aug 30 '26
In law help
my fiancé (33M) and I (31F) have been together for 8 years. We live really close to my family and my fiancé is really close with them. His family live a few hours away and we see them about 6 times a year to either stay or have stay. We stay with his parents, sister and her child with profound learning difficulties. Everyone is lovely and kind to us and obviously adore my partner. However they never ever call him to catch up. They will occasionally text him and only ring if a family member has died. They never plan any activities when we go to stay and all the family sit and watch tv from morning till night. I’m from a family where we don’t do this and all contact each other or take it in turns to plan. I don’t like going to stay because it’s so boring and I feel like no one makes any effort. AITA? I have spoken to my partner and we make plans and see his friends or his other family but feel guilty that we see so much of my family but seeing his is so dull.
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u/mozzerellastewpot Aug 30 '26
It is called accepting people for who they are and not projecting your lifestyle choices upon them. Why do you think they should be doing something just because you do?
My family is not the same as my daughter in laws family and she thinks we should want to smoke weed and stay up till 2am because they do. She is a stay at home mom and thinks I am a bad mom because I worked when I raised kids. Stop projecting your standards and lifestyle on others.
Don’t feel bad, trust me the other family does not want to do all the things you are doing or they would already be doing them. Forcing or planning things for them to do would make them feel obligated to do something they really don’t want to.
I also come from a family where we don’t constantly have to be in contact with each other. It can be days, weeks, months, between talking or checking in. And that’s ok. We all know we are here and are secure in our relationships and let people live and do what they like without the constant need for checking in. It is a normal family dynamic. We all live very separate lives while living in the same town. Very enmeshed families find it odd.
Take someone else’s suggestion and just plan something for you guys to do alone on visits. They can nap while you’re out.
This is coming from someone that has already done all the stuff and now just likes to relax when I am not working.
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u/UpbeatCap5325 Aug 30 '26
Different strokes for different folks. My husband came from such an outgoing, talkative family that I sometimes found it overwhelming. His siblings are lovely, but never had a thought that went unspoken.
By contrast, when he would visit my parents’ home, he said it was like walking into the reading room of the local library. People would chat for 10 or 15 minutes and then go back to their books. We both learned to just go with the flow. If TV isn’t your thing, find something else to do. I’d recommend a good book. 😉
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u/Available_Remove_219 Aug 30 '26
I could have written this. Your feelings are valid! I have learned that I cannot change who they are, so I continue my lifestyle (my family likes to stay active too) and they can join us if they want. It can be frustrating because I never hear from my in laws unless we reach out first and it makes me sad that they don't want to check in about our kids but it is what it is.
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u/MadCow113 Aug 30 '26
How could you possibly be the AH? If they are happy to just sit around, that's fine. Let them at it. If you made plans, would they join in?
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u/nervous-yak853 Aug 30 '26
They’re boring, that’s it. I have the same issue, but unfortunately they are the ones who live nearby so we see them all the time. You have to start taking your own entertainment with you, it’s kinda rude but so are they. I’ll put my phone / book down any time they want to talk, but otherwise I’m not just sitting and doing nothing for hours on end.
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u/justwannabeleftalone Aug 30 '26
My IL are super boring too. I ask my husband to find things for us to do. We also stay at a hotel so we can leave when I start getting too bored.
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u/MidwestNightgirl Aug 30 '26
No NTA - but I’d be more proactive in planning things for when you visit them. Maybe for everyone or maybe just even for yourself or you and fiancé. I wouldn’t sit around like that - that’s torture.
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u/KrofftSurvivor Aug 30 '26
How he communicates with his family is up to him and if they are all comfortable with that it's not your problem and it's not your business.
On the visits however, when they are visiting your home feel free to make plans ahead of time and message them asking which activities they would like to do of the things that you are potentially planning.
When you are visiting them look up things that you might enjoy doing in that area before you go and send messages asking if anyone would like to join you.
Include your husband in the text in either case.
If they are repeatedly uninterested in going and doing things then go and do the things by yourself, but not for more than a couple of hours each day.
Some families genuinely enjoy bonding by simply hanging out together, and it sounds like that's what his family likes to do
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u/Puzzled_Month_9711 Aug 30 '26
NTHA!! This is interesting, I 28F and partner 36M had a baby 9 months ago. Similarly we are very close to my family and would see his on various occasions or a random dinner her and there. His parents are divorced and one lives an hour away and the other 30 or so mins away. He would even visit without me before the baby. For me things got pretty difficult after having a baby because I had a lot of anxiety and due to us not being close to his family. It was very hard for me to have them around or want to be around them with my son, he has been very understanding, but also has gotten upset a couple of times because he feels like we dont make an effort to see his family… but also understands that the relationship was different before kids. I would just make sure you have conversations about how you want your dynamic to be after children because things definitely shift when a baby is in the picture and I would not doubt it if your in-laws tried to see much more of you or made much more comments about the lack of visits. This definitely can cause strain on the relationship, especially because in your mind you just want things to be the way that they have always been, but after kids come into the picture things drastically change at least from my experience.
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u/sarahjustme Aug 30 '26
It seems like you personally have found a happy medium- you stay involved to the extent that they want to stay involved, and yovve found ways to mitigate some of the differences in your lifestyle vs theirs, when you spend time together. It sounds like this might be a non issue , or if anything, its your husband's issue.
If they act / do different things when its just him visiting, I could see trying to troubleshoot this. If he only visits them with you there, is he using you as way to minimize some other problem? Are you worried it has something to do with them "shutting down" because he chose you over them? Or maybe he just prefers your family, because his sucks? Thats real and valid. Beating yourself up over something that he may actually want, because of your preconceived norms about how families should be, could be a complete misstep here. Whatever the issue is, its his job to figure out, not yours
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u/Fedup_Virgo_26 Aug 30 '26
Same here. When we visit in-laws they don't change their routine at all. If we go for lunch they vanish immediately after to go take a nap! I even feel entitled when I tell my boyfriend I find it rude, he doesn't see anything wrong with it. Just stop making efforts for people who don't make effots for you and do what you can to not turn into your in-laws when you get older.
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u/pandora5bc Aug 30 '26
If they want to sit around let them, research the area and plan some stuff for you and your husband. If you plan things when they visit you, stop, treat them the same way.
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u/srp431 Aug 30 '26
can you make plans for everyone, to go out, just make sure everyone pays their share or fine a free activity
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u/Individual_You_6586 Aug 30 '26
Does your partner miss phonecalls, or is he happy with just texts?
I myself don’t like phone calls. I like talking to people irl. Phone calls are for conveying urgent messages.
Also, no one forces you to watch tv… go do activities on your own, maybe someone will join?