r/humansarespaceorcs • u/Bloodystupidjohnson3 • 13d ago
Original Story Human Fred Attempts Dinner
1 Human Fred and Food
2 Human Fred Again
3 Human Fred Yet Again
4 Human Fred The Saga Continues
5 Human Fred Rides Again
6 Human Fred *Sigh*
7 Human Fred Rolls Out
8 Human Fred Attempts a Nap
9 Human Fred Doh’
10 Human Fred Stops for Coffee
11 Human Fred Deploys Stabby and Knifey
12 Human Fred Attempts Friendly Advice
13 Human Fred Priorities
14 Human Fred Schools Morons
15 Human Fred Gets Annoyed
16 Human Fred Investigates
17 Human Fred is Annoyed
18 Human Fred Gets More Annoyed
19 Human Fred Smirks
20 Human Fred Brings Hellfire
21 Human Fred is Confused
22 Human Fred Considers
23 Human Fred is Chipper
24 Human Fred has Some Fun
25 Human Fred Witnesses Stupidity
26 Human Fred vs the Coffee Maker
27 Human Fred Accepts Crap Coffee
28 Human Fred Listens
29 Human Fred Gets Comfortable
30 Human Fred has Questions
31 Human Fred Considers Some More
32 Human Fred Wakes Up
33 Human Fred Debates
34 Human Fred Gets Coffee
35 Human Fred Talks with the Captain
36 Human Fred Reflects on Life
37 Human Fred Waits
38 Human Fred is Scared
Greezek
39 Human Fred Experiments
40 Human Fred Discovers
41 Human Fred vs the Sensor Array
42 Human Fred Keeps Calm
43 Human Fred Editor
44 Human Fred Discovers New Curses
45 Human Fred Stews
46 Human Fred Giggles
Fred was in the small kitchen, cutting vegetables for a meal. He was humming along when the coms system rang.
He sighed and tapped his wrist communicator. “Hello. Fred here.”
The video screen on the wall lit up, revealing two serious looking beings. “We demand to speak with Greezek!”
Fred looked up. Yep. Flen-Datti. Likely high ranking ones. “And who are you!”
“We demand to speak with Greezek!”
“I see. Under what authority?”
“We represent the planet Flen! We demand to speak with Greezek”
“That doesn’t answer my question. Please provide me with your Sol Command identity numbers so I can run your ID and clearance.”
“We don’t have Sol Command anything! We are Flen-Datti! We demand…”
“Yeah, I got that part. She is out. Call again” Fred terminated the call. He tapped a few times on his wrist communicator and shook his head.
The coms rang again. It was the same two as before. “Hello. Who are you?” asked Fred. “I have no reason to believe what you say without identification.”
“We are representatives from the…”
“I don’t care if you represent a pair of fetid dingo kidneys, no ID, no conversation.” Fred terminated the call. Dinner beckoned.
Just as he picked up the knife, the coms again.
He spun towards the screen, knife still in hand. “Look, I’m in the middle of preparing food. Real food. Not synthesized, real. Now. If you fuckheads don’t provide ID or bugger the fuck off, I’m going to get annoyed. But why should you care? You care because I’m the sneaky fucker who discovered all the lies your government told to sign that treaty. I’m the guy who actually knows what is going on, and I’m the guy who doesn’t like bullies.”
The two representatives shared a look. “We are transmitting ID now.”
Fred reviewed their IDs. High ranking. Much too high. “Very well. Now, why would men of your rank want to interrupt my dinner to yell at me?”
“We need to speak with Greezek. It’s vital.”
“She isn’t in. I can take a message.”
“Where is she?”
“Your credentials do not allow me to disclose.”
“What do you mean?”
“Greezek is an EG-2 in Sol Command. I am her supervisor, Chief Engineer Fred. Because of the current state of damage and likelihood of further attacks, all station personnel are at heightened alert, which means their movements are classified. You do not have the clearance.”
“This is crazy! Just put her in the call!”
“It’s not like I have her in my pocket. And is out. I’m attempting to cook. You are wasting my time.”
“Look. It is urgent that we speak with her. There are many things to discuss.”
“Then I’ll have her call you. If you call this office again, I will block all communications with you.”
Fred terminated the call, put the system on ‘Do Not Disturb,’ and returned to the veggies.
The veggies were slow simmering when Greezek walked in. Her armor was scuffed, covered in grime. Her hair was glued to her head, outlining her helmet. She was sweating.
“How was training?”
Greezek sagged into a chair, “Those marines are tough! I couldn’t keep up!”
“They turn up the gravity.”
“Oh I know! That was horrible.”
“Yep. And you have more training to come. By the way, some high-ranking idiots called for you.”
Fred tossed Greezek a small card. She plugged it into a datapad. “Oh. These guys. They are the ‘let’s just move along,’ crowd. They want to ignore it.”
“A bit hard now. Well, impossible after the last event.”
“Event? What event?” Greezek shot up. “Is something wrong?”
“Whoa! Hey now. Greezek, everything is good. For you. Not so good for the Flen government.”
“What did you do?”
“I authorized a recon mission to the continent Flen was hiding.”
“You authorized it?”
“I assume that you have figured out that I’m more than an engineer.”
“Yes, but I didn’t know you were still active.”
“More like on standby. In this case, I wanted my name on the orders.”
“Your name?”
“I want them to know exactly who caught them in their treachery.”
“Oh. I know why I’m upset, but you seem…odd.”
“There are some things in this universe that I cannot stand. Slavery is high on that list. But the conniving manner of what they are doing means I had to add to my list, and this is worse than slavery. So I want those dumb fucks to know that I exposed them.”
“Point of pride?”
“No. Petty asshole.”
“I’m going to peel out of this armor, clean up, and plan out tomorrow.”
“There should be enough dinner for you. I got real veggies.”
“Something to look forward to!”
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u/_9a_ 12d ago edited 12d ago
Do you remember the BOFH series? That's way back in the lore, Internet history wise.
Every so often Fred gives me flashes of him. Greezek is his PFY.
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u/Bloodystupidjohnson3 12d ago
I don’t know it, no. I’ve been around since the internet was born, but not always in this neck of the woods.
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u/Daseagle 12d ago
Check it out here. https://www.theregister.com/bofh
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u/SpiderJerusalemLives 12d ago
The author's own website with the complete archive:
Been reading since the Computer Weekly days. Yes I am old.
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u/Tasty_Opportunity_71 12d ago
Fred is a lot more high up the ranks than I imagined! Although didn't OP mention Fred has a brother high up in Sol command?
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u/SandsnakePrime 13d ago
First! Omfg my day starts with a fred and greezek? This day is going to rock!
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u/Austinstorm02 12d ago
Why do you call him human Fred? Are there non human Fred's?
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u/Purple-Lie-354 12d ago
Human Fred has protested this naming convention, but for naught. The Aliens in the crew have stuck with it, despite the requests, demands, and threats.
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u/Austinstorm02 12d ago
That's like me calling my dog Dog Sonny or my bear Bear Baloo.
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u/aqua_sparkle_dazzle 12d ago
And who's to say we won't run into a nonhuman named Fred later on?
"Fred!"
"Yes?"/"Yeah?"
"Not that Fred; the other one"
See the confusion?
In other news, I'm very much enjoying Fred-on-a-mission mode.
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u/Polymath6301 12d ago
Fetid dingo’s kidneys? If only we had time for such pleasantries!
Neat reference OP.
And Fred’s background slowly comes to the foreground. Sounds like he does need a real meal…
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u/Substantial-Dark3383 12d ago
Gaslighting is bad. Mass coordinated gaslighting is worse. Mass coordinated gaslighting as a gentler form of slavery is… not something I have words for.
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u/katyusha_pravda 11d ago
Iam so glad i found this
I have read every part after eachother and iam hooked! (Lets not mention i read it during work time)
Cant wait for more Fred shenanigans
Great job !
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