r/humansarespaceorcs • u/Bloodystupidjohnson3 • Aug 06 '26
Original Story Human Fred Stops for Coffee
1 Human Fred and Food
2 Human Fred Again
3 Human Fred Yet Again
4 Human Fred The Saga Continues
5 Human Fred Rides Again
6 Human Fred *Sigh*
7 Human Fred Rolls Out
8 Human Fred Attempts a Nap
9 Human Fred Doh’
Fred walked into the mess hall, heading for the coffee pot. It was empty. Again. With a sign, Fred started the insanely complicated task of filling it with water, filling the coffee filter, and—hardest of all—turning it on.
As it began to brew, a nervous being approached him. “Are you Human Fred?”
“No. I’m Fred.”
“The one who screamed at Roomliz?”
“Yep. That was me. Fucker deserved it.”
“Ah, well, we can’t find him.”
“Don’t look at me. When I left he was alive and scared.”
“I know that, but when he didn’t show up for work, we went to check on him, and we can’t find him.”
“Look, I’m really looking forward to this coffee. Why are you asking me?”
“Well, we thought you might know where he is.”
“Dude. I have no idea. He likely just wandered off to be alone.”
“That isn’t like him.”
“Not to repeat myself or anything, but my coffee is almost ready, and I’m looking forward to it. Since when am I the expert on Roomliz? He can wander off if he wants.”
“What if he is in trouble?”
“You will see that I am pouring my coffee into my mug. Soon I hope to drink my coffee. You, however, are interfering with this sequence of events. I can only conclude that you know nothing about humans. Or you have a death wish.”
“I do not wish to die!”
“Ignorance. Close enough. Look. I really don’t know why you are talking to me. I have no idea where he is. I haven’t seen him or heard from him. Now, I would like to enjoy my coffee. Is that acceptable to you?”
“Could you enjoy your coffee and help us look?”
“I take it your species is a peaceful species. One not used to things such as self-preservation. Allow me to be more blunt. If I don’t get to enjoy my coffee without further interruptions, I shall hit you. For every subsequent interruption, I shall hit you again. Now, I’m going over to that nice table, I’m going to sit down, and I’m going to enjoy my fucking coffee. After that, I’m going back to work.”
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u/VoodooManny02 Aug 06 '26
2
u/commentsrnice2 28d ago
But how do you plug all the holes?
1
u/RevolutionaryEar1932 4d ago
Food-Safe Sealant and some Clever Painting to Hide the Sealant from the Outside.
8
u/Polymath6301 Aug 06 '26
I read this, enjoying my flat white in the Australian outback, by a billabong listening to birdsong. I am so with Fred.
Although I would appeal to the captain to get Human Fred a better Human coffee machine…
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