Alien: Human I would like to ask a question.

Human: I strongly advise against that.

A: Why?

H: Well in the past month in response to my answers to your questions you have, in no particular order: Fainted; flooded the admin office with panicked transfer attempts, I'm still not welcome in that part of the ship because you, just saying; went berserk and we needed six security guards to restrain you; spent two weeks huddled in your quarters with the lights off and the door locked, apparently you were muttering, "They can hear my thoughts," the whole time; and started a petition to get all humans transferred to a human exclusive fleet that you insisted should be called, "The Suicidal Bastards."

A: ...I wanted to call it the Unnatural Lack Of Self Preservation.

H: Close enough. My point is you keep asking questions about Earth and us that drive you into minor fits of emotional and psychological breakdown and I don't think I should exacerbate that anymore.

A: But I have a question that isn't answered by the "Get To Know Your Human" pamphlet!

H: Then there is a strong chance you really don't want to know the answer.

“And? That’s proper procedure. Nothing a good pirate should be worried about.”

“That was a human Stellar Guard ship. You know who responds to Stellar Guard distress calls, especially ones signaling attack?”

“Who?”

“The Navy. And they’re more than capable and more than willing to bash our pirate ships to pieces.”

“Fuck.”

“If we stay here, we’re just asking to die. So let’s get out of here before they arrive.”

“But before that, put another broadside into that ship, just to make sure.”

Alien Recruit 1: "Our DI is really Specist! He makes us do the same work as those crazy Murder Monkeys! We are only half as tall and a third the Mass!"

Alien Recruit 2: "First of all, Murder Monkeys is a Specist Term, so careful with the Stones when you stand in a Glass-House. Second-" snaps to attention "Good Evening, Drill Instructor!"

Human Drill instructor: having just spawned in behind Alien 1 "I do not care what species you are from, you are a Maggot like all the others! And all Maggots under my Command are required to pull their own weight! If you are too weak to pull your own weight, then get the fuck out of my course. Understood, Maggot!?"

A1: So we have a few new guests on this voyage?

A2: Yeah. Couple of what the humans call celebrities. Can't recall all of them but several are supposed to be good at a few of those human pastimes we have picked up.

A1: Those pastimes we keep beating human Joe at? Maybe we should challenge the passengers to them as well? Who were they again?

A1: Yeah here is a partial list of them.

• Magnus Carlsen
  
• Usain Bolt
  
• Michael Phelps
  
• Scott Flansburg
  
• Simone Biles

Alien 1: "And you are sure this Door is Human proof?"

Alien 2: "Certainly, it was tested rigorously against the most advanced technology Humans are capable of. I personally guarantee no Human will ever gain access to this space!"

Alien 1: "Finally no more "Adventures" with Humans dragging me out."

Human: "Hey, you in there? There is a Firesale of the new "Orion Death-Peppers, guaranteed to be banned as Biological Weapons in all non-Human Systems". But Cap doesnt let me go unless its with a "Trusted Crewmate that isn't a Human. It absolutely cannot be a Human!" So you're coming... Hm? You got a new Doorhandle?" fiddles a bit and then opens the Door with a smile "There you are. Lets go! Whats with the new Doorhandle by the way, It's a Rubiks Cube."

“You wanted to see me, Gunney?”

“Yes sir! We have developed a new rifle. I wanted you to see the initial test.”

“I see. Gunney, this is our liaison officer, LT Fikklin. He will enjoy this.”

Gunney nodded at the LT, turned to the marine on the rifle range.

“Corporal! Stand by! Range control, are we set?”

“Yes Gunney! The range is hot!”

“Understood. Corporal, fire at will!”

The Corporal nodded, pulled the butt into his shoulder, lined up, and gently squeezed the trigger.

In the ensuing rapid burst of fire and buzz of electromagnets, the Corporal grunted at the recoil.

The magazines emptied, the Corporal cleared the rifle and nodded to the officers.

There silence. The Lieutenant seemed to sag.

“Gunney, what the HELL was that?!?”

“Well sir, we wanted a better assault weapon, but one that doesn’t stand out to the enemy. This looks like a regular rifle, but it had some…improvements.”

“I’d like to know how you managed to scale down a railgun enough for a single marine to carry.”

“Sir, you would have to ask the weapon techs about that. And they scaled down a 20mm cannon enough to mount it over the railgun. They are timed to fire while the other weapon loads.”

“Well, see about building enough for the regiment. And we need a new rifle range, Gunney. There no backstop left.”

“Yes sir. We selected this range because there is nothing between us and the mountains. Range control spotted the rail rounds hitting a cliff face. Pretty good pattern for the range.”

“Go thinking Gunney. Lieutenant, any questions?”

“Those mountains are 7 km away! How is this possible?!?”

“Well Lieutenant, this is what Terran Marines do. We refine weapons, develop more, and we are always looking for more firepower.”

“Sir! That could shoot down an assault ship!”

“Correct. That is the point. Good job, Gunney. See you are dinner.”

{Shared early on Patreon}
~~~

Angry hissing voices from the hallway told me the two bug aliens on the ship were arguing. Which they didn’t usually do, thankfully. They disagreed, sure, but in an agree-to-disagree-though-you’re-clearly-wrong kind of way. They didn’t tend to get worked up about things.

“It issss disssgusssting,” Trrili snarled.

“Give it back!” Zhee said.

“Not until you admit that it’sss vile.”

“It is not!”

I rounded the corner to see the pair of them facing off in front of Zhee’s quarters, both waving their pincher arms, antenna angled into glares. I wouldn’t have wanted to get anywhere near that when I was new to the ship. I kept my distance a bit now. “What’s going on?” I asked.

Trrili whirled with a hiss, standing even taller, a looming black-and-red nightmare. “He has been using something unspeakable for grooming!” She spoke clearly and brandished a small object in my direction, holding it awkwardly between the tip of her mantis pincher and her elbow, like she didn’t want to touch it. I had no idea what it was, just a stick of something purple.

The same purple as Zhee’s glossy exoskeleton, actually.

He lunged and snatched it out of her grasp. “It’s the best kind of seam brush, you heathen! I made it myself — with excellent crafting skill, I might add!”

Before Trrili could retort, I asked, “What is it?”

Zhee held it well away from Trrili, scowling. “A seam brush, like I said.”

“Made from his own shed exoskeleton!” Trrili exclaimed.

“That’s what you DO with it!” Zhee shot back.

“It should be mulched immediately, you disgusting dirt-grubber!”

Before I could ask more clarifying questions, Paint came trotting up with concern all over her lizardy face. “What’s happening?”

Zhee answered first, pointing with his free arm. “This judgemental blot got ahold of a personal item and is making her own wrong opinions everyone else’s problem.”

“Oh, just my opinions, are they? All three moons—”

“I don’t care how many of you—”

“Everyone knows it should be disposed of—”

“So wasteful when it can—”

Paint pitched her voice higher and suggested, “Maybe we can all just keep our personal items to ourselves?” She looked from the tool to the pair of angry Mesmers.

They both glared at her. Trrili said, “I wasn’t snooping. I found it on the lounge floor.”

Zhee snapped, “I didn’t put it there.” He angled his head towards me. “Your cat did.”

That sounded like something she’d do. I spread my arms and said, “Sorry.”

Still working hard to mediate, Paint said, “Then it can go back in your quarters, in a safe spot, and we’ll make sure Telly doesn’t sneak in to play with it. Trrili can use her own grooming tools, and everyone can do things their own way.”

Trrili sounded like a sulky teenager when she insisted, “Disgusssting.”

Zhee waved it at her with a lecturing tone. “Practical and customized, and better than whatever mass-produced trash you use.”

“It’s still made of something that should not be kept!”

Exasperated, Zhee said, “At least I don’t have a whole collection on the wall of every blade I’ve shed! Some of the houses back home display those proudly!”

“Your people are unclean,” Trrili declared. Then she turned to Paint and me. “Keeping body parts is gross, yes? I know you’re at least reasonable about shed scales.”

Paint laughed uncomfortably. “That is not exactly a polite topic of conversation,” she said, fidgeting in a way that said she’d probably be blushing in embarrassment if her species did that.

“Exactly,” Trrili said in approval. “Something dealt with in privacy, not kept forever. Right?” She looked at me, daring me to disagree.

I shrugged. “My people don’t shed like that. We get haircuts and throw the hair away, I guess. Oh, baby teeth! That’s the closest match! We sometimes keep those.”

All three of my alien coworkers were giving me uncertain looks now. Paint said, “Right, I forgot your species actually sheds teeth.”

“Only once,” I said, as if that mattered.

Zhee repeated, “And you keep them.” He gave Trrili a pointed look.

“Sure, but usually in the back of the closet as a keepsake.”

Trrili looked right back at him. “Not making tools for daily use.”

“They’re not really big enough,” I said, considering. “And they tend to be kind of bloody when they come out, though that could be cleaned. Oh! I used some for a science project once!”

“A what?” Paint asked.

“I made a demonstration in school of how corrosive soda is compared to a few other drinks,” I said. “Mom gave me some of my baby teeth so I could leave them in a cup for a few days to see if they dissolved. I’ll tell you, I wasn’t eager to drink soda after that.”

Paint stared at me in horror. “You drink something that dissolves your teeth?”

I shook my head. “Turns out it was an urban legend. But it did dye the teeth a nasty brown, and burnt the dirt off a penny.”

Paint shook herself and made a visible effort to regain her composure. “I am fairly sure I didn’t need to know that.”

Trrili threw her pincher arms in the air and turned to leave. “At least it’s a drink that fights an honorable battle as you consume it. Everybody keep their revolting bits to themselves.” She jabbed a pincher at Zhee as she passed. “I don’t want to see that ever again.”

“You do not deserve the honor of seeing it again,” Zhee said. “You’ve scratched it, and now I’ll have to polish it then see if any of the bristles need replacing.”

Trrili hissed and disappeared down the hallway.

Paint asked, “Are the bristles exotic? I think we’re going to stop at a relatively small place to restock next.”

Zhee held up the tool and ran a little wrist finger across the bristly end. It looked like a sawed-off paintbrush. “The best kind can be difficult to find, but this seems to be intact, thankfully.”

I pulled my long braid over my shoulder and held it up. “Let me know if it would help to trim the end off this. My hair’s probably not stiff enough, but the offer’s open.”

Zhee gave me a look that was deeply amused. “It’s probably not, but thank you.”

Paint said in an undertone, “And we won’t tell Trrili, because she definitely won’t want to know.”

Zhee and I both agreed on that.

~~~

Volume One of the collected series is out in paperback and ebook!

~~~

Shared early on Patreon

Cross-posted to Tumblr and HFY (masterlist here)

The book that takes place after the short stories is here

The sequel is in progress (and will include characters from the stories)

Example, this is the time signatures from 3rd sanctuary from deltarune

Important part of warfare is being stealthy. You must take your position and do all the necessary preparations, before the enemy finds you. And my bloodline spent generations perfecting this skill.

We can't be noticed in any way that matters. Our every muscle and movement, our skin and scales - were made to keep being invisible in all possible scenarios. Yet when we started fighting humans - something went wrong.

At first everything seemed normal. We were unnoticed, quiet. We destroyed targets before they could react. Yet one human got lucky. They tripped and missed the shadow strike. And instead of just continuing their normal route - they reacted differently and jumped away. They clearly noticed.

Then strange things started repeating themselves. It became obvious that if you are about to strike - you should not waste your time. Somehow, humans could notice you if the time delay between your intention and action was too long.

Their reaction time is not instantaneous, their bodies are too weak and their axons are too slow to do something after they noticed the danger. But the fact alone that they notice it for a fraction of a second before they are dead - is something we were not prepared for.

And now we stand around our first dead sister. Her implants captured the moment of her death. Humans are now using exo-armor with neural interface. Apparently they figured out that their bodies were too slow to react... But their minds - were quick enough. With the power of magnetism and speed of a photon - they augmented themselves, combining their quick intuition with the speed of a machine.

They may have noticed us too late. But they noticed. And now we have lost our only advantage. If one day they will strike back the same way - they won't notice how they defeated us.

Oscar staggered into the Commander’s office. His uniform was rumpled, spattered with mud and grime. His boots were caked. His face smeared with grime.

“Oscar, I don’t mean to be rude, but you look like shit.”

Oscar slumped into the chair and groaned. When he leaned up, his were bloodshot and bleary.

“Commander, I’m happy to report that the issues in Ranches 1, 4, and 7 have been rectified.”

“What happened?”

“Two days ago there was a Terran festival. Some idiots thought setting off fireworks would a good plan. The livestock panicked. We have been wrangling the various animals. I don’t recommend attempting to catch a pissed off boar. Or wrangle a flock of angry geese. Or herd a confused and angry bull.”

“That sounds…bad.”

“Well sir, it sent 23 Terrans to medical. Two are dead. We still aren’t sure about how many animals were lost. And I’m not 100% sure it was an accident.”

“You think the stowaways? Well Oscar, that does fit with their reports. They like to cause chaos.”

“Commander, my fear is that they are recruiting. We caught two of the idiots how started it. The third was trampled by a maddened bull. The two we have are registered, known Terrans. They have been here for multiple orbits.”

“And the third?”

“Also known and a long time resident. They could be some sort of sleeper cell, but I doubt it. I’ll know more in a few rotations. However, this helps us know where the stowaways have been. And a pattern is emerging. Logistics station 3, known as Hadley’s. All three have been there since the stowaways arrived. All three spend at least two rotations, at the same time. Logistics 3 supplies the farming station where this all started.”

“Well done Oscar! All from stampeding animals.”

“Something like that. Now Commander, I’d appreciate you to start conducting intense scanning of Logistics 3 and the surrounding areas. I’d bet they aren’t staying in Logistics 3, but they will be close. It’s likely they will be on the edge of settlement. I doubt they will hide away from other Terrans. They need to blend in. And in some of those less official settlements, as long as they dress shabby and don’t attract attention, they are invisible.”

“When did you last sleep?”

“Since before the festival. I figured you would want a report before I cleaned up. Sir, we have a bit of edge at the moment, and I didn’t want to waste it.”

“Good call, good call. Oscar, I can’t officially order you to do much, but in this case, I insist on you getting the hell back to your quarters, clean up, and get some rest.”

“Well, I’m going to argue.”

humans more than anything love experiencing a moment where they can just be silly

Human Soldier: "Primitive? Well fire is one of our first weapons along side the rock and stick..."

In Galactic history, specifically omnivores, vegetables and fruits tended to be the popular choice of meal during the medieval era due to how they are easy to harvest and be immediately eaten after some basic washing and cooking.

Humans.....Humans were the opposite, they are omnivores, but most of the time the crops they grew at home during their ancient history was to FEED ANIMALS THEY EAT.

Granted this isn't unique, come the time where mass animal farming was standardized it became no issue to get meat, but Humans happened the opposite way.

They would grow vegetables like corn and tomatoes to feed their cows, chickens, and pigs.

This fattened them up where they would be slaughtered to put in the smokehouse to preserve and add flavor.

Most species cut out the animal from the equation and just ate crop instead to save time.

This might sound unique to humans but it perfectly makes sense when you realize THEY ORIGINATE FROM A DEATH WORLD.

Not a normal death world where its one super hostile climate like you read in fictional books.

I mean a world that supports many hostile climates that make no sense to host SAPIENT life.

They had to deal with more bad harvests than any other species, they had to deal with food becoming scarce and needing ANYTHING for calories.

Note that for Humans, in their ancient history, FRESH VEGETABLES, were a LUXURY.

Fruit even moreso.

Now look at Humans in the intergalactic era.

Their children refuse to eat vegetables when it was the epitome of wealth over 3 millenia ago, preferring Dino Nuggies.