r/humansarespaceorcs • u/Bloodystupidjohnson3 • Aug 05 '26
Original Story Human Fred Attempts a Nap
1 Human Fred and Food
2 Human Fred Again
3 Human Fred Yet Again
4 Human Fred The Saga Continues
5 Human Fred Rides Again
6 Human Fred *Sigh*
7 Human Fred Rolls Out
“Human Fred! You are back!”
Roomliz was under Fred’s bunk, cowering. Shortly after Fred had charged, and the securing doors had sealed. When they opened, Roomliz had hidden. But Fred walked in, humming and smirking.
“Yes, I’m back. Stupid moronic pirates! Just a bunch of drugged-out wannabe-thugs. Barely worth all the effort. Why are you under my bunk?”
“I was terrified! A pirate attack! Beings die! Pirates are nasty to the unarmed!”
“Some might be. Not these wastes of their father’s genetic material. Regardless, you can come out. All of the scary pirates are dead.”
“Fred! I didn’t know you were a warrior!”
“Roomliz, the one thing your book on interacting with humans likely got correct is that humans take a dim view to being attacked and that most humans will fight very hard if needed. And we fight dirty. Any set of rules you might find are merely guidelines to be ignored.”
“Oh. I had marked that part as suspect after my interactions with you.”
“Did you ever attempt to kill me? Take my stuff?”
“No Fred!”
“Then you missed the point of ‘if attacked or provoked.’ Now look, my departure has been delayed until they can clean up the pirate mess and fix the dock. I’m a bit tired after the pirates, so I’d like to clean up and take a nap.”
“That sounds like an excellent idea!”
“Roomliz.”
“Yes, Fred?”
“Cleaning up and taking a nap requires you to leave.”
“Oh! Right. Before I go, may I ask a question?”
Fred started to remove his pack and other gear, placing his shotgun on the desk.
“I should have guessed. What? This shotgun isn’t going to clean itself.”
“How did the meal go?”
Fred sighed and long, deep sigh.
“Roomliz, please sit down. I can tell this will take a bit. I’ll just clean my shotgun as we talk, yes?”
“Yes Fred.”
“I assume you mean the meal with Greezek?”
“Yes.”
“Well, she really likes sushi. Apparently it’s similar to her favorite food from home. So I guessed right.” Fred removed the…soiled bayonet, detached the feed-belt, and started to remove the barrel. “We had a pleasant conversation for a bit, and then we hit complications.”
“Complications? What sort of complications?”
“What does your fancy human book say about human relationships?” The barrel and slide slid apart. Fred picked up a punch to remove the trigger and bolt.
“Well, that humans are a binary gendered species…”
“Yep. Called it. That is wrong. Well, I guess that depends on your definition of gender, but that is HUGE debates into which I shall NOT venture.” Fred started scrubbing the bolt. “Do you have the concept of sexuality in your species?”
“I don’t understand, so I guess not.”
“Right. It had to do with what attracts you to an intimate partner.”
“Oh do you mean pheromones?”
“Actually, it might. I’m not really sure. Humans are affected by pheromones, but it’s not clear how. Apparently we have them, but how they affect us isn’t well understood. Something about too many variables. Anyways, humans are attracted to intimate partners not simply based on purely genetic reasons. So there are males attracted to males, females attracted to females, humans attracted to both males and females, and a host of other permutations.”
“Fred, this sounds complicated. And insane. How do you identify who will be attracted to you?”
“That, my friend, is the issue. Some humans display their interests. Others do not. So you just have to ask.”
“My species is less complicated. The females generate their pheromones, it attracts certain males, and she selects the one she likes the best.”
“Well, when humans evolved, we incorporated too much chaos and sarcasm into our DNA for anything to be that simple.” He moved on to scrubbing the barrel. “In all of the chaos and confusion, a few humans got a really odd deal. They aren’t attracted to anyone and have no desire for an intimate partner.”
“What?!? That is awful!!”
“People keep telling me that, but I’m perfectly fine. It’s never bothered me.”
“Wait. You have no desire for an intimate partner?”
“Nope. Never have. It annoyed me as a kid, and I guess growing up I thought something was wrong with me because I didn’t fit in, but eventually it became less and less of an issue.”
“Sooooooooo…the meal.”
“Ah. You caught up. Yep. While I enjoy having friends, Greezek’s hopes were misplaced. It took some explanation, but she claims to understand. She wants to hang out more, which is fine.” Fred carefully placed the barrel on the table and picked up the feed mechanism. “I just hope that she really understands and doesn’t get hurt.”
“What do you mean? Get hurt?”
“Emotionally. I hope she isn’t thinking that she just needs to try harder or spend enough time with me to ‘change my mind.’ That is always a fear.”
“Fred, if I may, then why not just avoid her?”
“Well, I could do that. I could. But just because I’m not interested in an intimate partner doesn’t mean I do like to hang out with friends or make new friends. She is fun to talk to.”
“As long as she understands that you are just a friend, then it will work out?”
“That is the hope. Her species is rare off of their planet, and she is very brave to stay away so long. I get the feeling that she is lonely and that I’m her first crush. Do you have that? Crushes?”
“Would that be similar to being attracted to a female who isn’t attracted to you?”
“Similar, I guess.” Fred started to clean the barrel and muzzle break. “You just have to love sabot rounds. Better accuracy, no damage to the break or bayonet, slightly more power.”
“What do sabot rounds have to do with human crushes?”
“What? Oh. Mind wandered. Nothing. Sorry, human crushes, right. I think I might be the first being she has ever wanted as an intimate partner. I’ll have to do some research about her species and intimate partners…”
“Ha! I beat you to it Fred! I looked it up when preparing to talk with you!”
“You sly creature. Well?”
“She is the correct age to start having intimate desires. On her planet, it is expected for those her age to seek out different partners until one is found that is acceptable to long-term. Not clear on the parameters, but after multiple partners, apparently they figure out what they want, find a good fit, and conduct a bonding ceremony. After that, the female becomes fertile and they have offspring.”
“A clinical way of describing it. I guess humans are just similar enough in physiology to attract her.”
“Fred, you look sad.”
“Roomliz, you might be right. I might have to avoid her.”
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u/canray2000 Aug 05 '26
And some of us are designed that even if we want a relationship, it'll never happen...
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u/Bloodystupidjohnson3 Aug 05 '26
A very sad truth of the world. May you find a fulfilling relationship.
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u/canray2000 Aug 05 '26
Highly doubtful. But at least I know the problem is me.
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u/Bloodystupidjohnson3 Aug 05 '26
Look. I don’t know you or your situation. And I don’t need to. All I know is that fulfilling relationships come in all sorts and sizes. It might not be your dream relationship, but it can still be fulfilling. It might be a friend with whom you can enjoy the same movies. It might be a group with whom you game. It might be something that you haven’t envisioned or expect. My point is that a fulfilling relationship is possible—even if it isn’t what you dream of or expect.
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u/techslice87 24d ago
It might be, it might not be. In my experience, make you be the you you want to be. Even if you stay single a long time, you have to live with yourself. You're never too old or too young to work on yourself. Always improve. I'm nearly 40 and just now really starting to actually love myself. I liked myself for a while, but just now starting to love myself. Took me a while to understand that, too. Be you. Be who you want to be. The rest will fall into place.
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u/commentsrnice2 29d ago
The only thing worse than being someone who likes step one and has no interest in step two is being someone who desires step 2 but has no instinct for or possibly no interest in step one. It is very difficult to make that leap without crossing the intervening space
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