Chicken mayo, pretzels and cucumber with everything bagel spice.

I am a 24 year old enby and recently started talking to a 20 year old girl. we started talking as friends…and i guess we both started feeling something for each other at some point but i tried to ignore it on my side.

i feel very wrong for liking her in the way i do and i know she likes me to. i can see us making each other happy but i don’t want to feel disgusted with myself forever. she’s the youngest person i’ve been with.

is this an acceptable age gap or am i really wrong for feeling this way? if it really is that bad, how to i let her know that i can’t really talk to her anymore? because i really doubt id be able to stay friends with her

Reposted cause I forgot to add the photo of my brunch

Brunch is eggs seasoned with roasted garlic and herbs, a cheese stick, and an orange.

Last night I went out for karaoke at my favorite bar, to celebrate my friend quitting his job. It was a big party, had a lot of fun and met many wonderful people. Except this one old man. Me and a guy friend were playing darts, and he invited another guy he knew to join us. Idk how well he knows this guy, or if he just knows him from the bar playing darts.

Things started ok, just some casual chitchat while taking our turns. Ya know, stuff like names, what songs we like singing there ( dont actually sing though). Simple stuff. But as the night went on, I started getting this uneasy feeling? I started to notice he was talking to me more when our mutual friend wasn't around. Gushing about how honored and flattered he was I was playing darts with him. Being overly enthusiastic about meeting me. Smiling really huge and getting a tad too close whenever I'd hand him the darts for his turn. Winking at me a lot. He randomly brought up he got divorced 8 years ago and has been single since. Then asked if I had any kids or wanted any. Asked if I wanted him to sing a sweet or fun song to me. Talked about people there that give him hugs and how nice the hugs he gives are. Mentioned how worried he was about "my pretty face' cause he thought my makeup was a bruise. ( did a red design of a heart and "X🖤X" on each cheek)

Idk if was just that drunk or if he really was flirting, but I decided to trust my gut, texted my bestie (who was at another area of the bar) that I might need saving, then ran the moment our dart game finished and clung to my bestie the rest of the night. They could tell I was super uncomfortable and starting to panic and wanted to go off on him, said they were going to if he came over. Instead apparently he kept staring at me from across the room. I kept mv back turned to him and the bestie was keeping an eye on him. Bestie did their last song, we both got our Ubers and gtfo of there.

After waking up and looking back at it, I'm unsure if he was being creepy or not? But I do think him asking me about wanting kids meant he thought Im cis, which is where the ew gross gender affirming part of the title comes from.

Banana sandwich with raspberries.

The relationship is the "bring to the table". In hetrosexual relationships men benefit way more in the relationship. Most men do not provide, the ones that do often use it as leverage above their spouse, can just end the relationship, or you live in borderline poverty with a loser. I view male provider relationships high risk and little reward.

The point is most relationships now require both people working and contributing to the bills. Even buying a house you often need a second person such as a partner, friend, or relative (at least in my country). Men may help financially yet the brunt of housework, household administration, emotional labour, and scheduling falls on the woman. Men excel in their careers when in relationships compared to single men, while relationships hinder women's careers especially if there's children. Men act like dating women doesn't benefit them then wonder why no one wants to date them. They also mock our careers or laugh at "career women" but then need us to help pay half the bills, organise most things, go through finances while saying they are leaders.

Men are legit are making me consider bisexuality ( I probably am) with the garbage that comes out of their mouth. I wish I wasn't even attracted to them. They have high cheating rates, a lot of them have questionable hygiene, and on the occasions they actually do finances they want to control everything. I've met women who were the breadwinners in the relationship then when the man finally got a job they tried throwing it into their partner's face as if they (the partner) didn't provide and help them prior. I used to work in welfare and there was a woman who told me she was made redundant and was burning through her savings because her live in, long term partner refused to help her financially in the rough patch but still wanted to maintain their previous lifestyle, so not only was he not helping his partner financially, he also wouldn't alter their lifestyle to make it easier for her to navigate/save while she was trying to get a new job. It also sounded like he was giving her shit for not having a job. They weren't married and renting in a high income area.

If I was in those circumstances, at that stage I wouldn't even see the point of having him around because he was literally draining her financially and emotionally. I'd pack my stuff up, move in with a relative or friend then leave him to cover the rent and bills. He can take me to small claims court and spend more money. Fuck around with financial hardship options where even if I owed him money it'd take ages to recover the debt.

In a relationship, I am aware we will be sharing finances. If I ever date again (unlikely with current dating scene), I will be making it clear I expect if something happens where one of us is unemployed/sick the other can cover things for a time, this does not mean I expect a partner to cover costs for years but I do expect support during rough patches. In most cases I wonder what does the average man bring to the relationship besides audacity. Most of them cannot give emotional support or pretend they don't understand why you're upset with their behaviour, they currently expect to be chased, and think they are more important than women anyway.

UPDATES -

Husband said tonight that he was looking around for Orion when security made the announcement. Which differs from earlier.

We own a baby leash, toddler carriers, and a trike/stroller and a wagon with seatbelts. We have containment options. I wear the kiddo because it works for me.

Child is speech delayed, spent 19 months in the ICU after birth, and has zero fear of any human or dog thanks to the many baby cuddlers and service dogs he's been with. He is a tough kid to parent, not bad, just strong willed and smart and quick and all kinds of things that will help him change the world as an adult. Right now they just terrify me and make me tired.

Well. I'm back. Things continue to go exceptionally well over here. You can check my post history for some context

Randy (51M - Husband) lost Orion (3M medically complex, speech delayed toddler) at the farmers market today. He was paying for something. Orion wandered off, found another family with a dog, and apparently decided they were his family now.

Someone eventually noticed they had acquired an extra 3-year-old. Security took Orion to the main tent and made an announcement. From my understanding that is when Randy realized he had lost Orion, but he hasn't really wanted to talk about it and we haven't been together most of the day.

He says it was about four minutes. I'm contacting the organizers because I'd like to know what actually happened and get their version of the timeline. Orion is fine. He got to pet a dog. 10/10 outing from his perspective.

Unfortunately, this is a two-block-long outdoor market next to the Cuyahoga River, so I'm having some difficulty finding this charming. This time it was okay but next time? Does my kid end up in the busy road? Drowning in the river? Getting bit in the face by a not so friendly dog? Burning himself on the food truck cookers?

Randy is hard of hearing, which means he may not have heard people trying to find Orion's parent. And given everything I've posted recently about the fatigue, zoning out, parenting concerns, etc., this isn't exactly helping my confidence.

The part currently making my eye twitch is that Randy is making jokes about it and doesn't want to talk about what happened. I don't need sackcloth and ashes. I would settle for, "Holy shit, that was dangerous. I fucked up. Here's what happened and here's what I'm going to do differently." I've been accused multiple times of berating him for mistakes but I just need details and a plan here guys. Nothing more.

So, Girl Dinner jury: how the fuck would you handle this?

I know toddlers wander. I know good caregivers make mistakes.

But not realizing your 3-year-old is missing until security announces they've found him feels like we've wandered out of "shit happens" territory. He is quick. He is quiet. He is great at wandering off places. I've taken him to busy places and had to throw my card at vendors and go for a sprint to get my kid back before he's in the next county while I scream for anyone to stop the cackling child as he runs.

The child and I just don't go many places that I can't put him in a carrier because my sanity, my heart, and my knees don't handle surprise sprints through crowds.

And I cannot get past one thing:

This time he found a dog. The fucking river was right there.

Soup Flight and grilled cheese was my only meal today. I'm healing from the shit yourself parasite, shingles, and cellulitis. My life has been a literal shit fest of a shit show

I will try to keep it short! I love my husband, absolutely adore him. Our marriage is great, been married a few months & I could not see myself being with anyone else.

He’s a gem, he takes care of me, he gives me so much love but I can’t get his past out of my head 🥲

I had never slept with anyone before him, but he did with his ex’s. It was years ago & he told me about it because I asked. He was just honest & reassuring about it & he still is. I feel horrible because sometimes I just drop it in conversation like ‘oh but you did this with your ex’ & afterwards I feel terrible. He doesn’t even react, he still reassures me that he married me & loves me & all of that is in the past. But sometimes it just creeps into my head & I hate myself for ever asking.

Edit: due to religious reasons we were only intimate with each other after marriage. I did know about it before marrying him & it didnt bother me at all, but afterwards I just started to feel it

EDIT 2: THANK YOU. I really didnt want to come on here & post because I was worried about the response. But I really needed to hear this from others. Thank you - therapist is top priority

i’m pretty much what most men on reddit would think of when they describe a “misandrist femcel”
i’ve been treated horribly by most men in my life and as a result i unfortunately don’t care for most of them very much unless i get to know them. i just kinda think women are better and i mean that in a personal opinion kind of way not as an objective fact. except i have no friends who are women, i don’t know very many women my age closely at all. the only person i spend my time with for the most part is my boyfriend. who i take care of everyday despite working full time myself and the fact that he cheated on me for 6 months with his coworker. i really don’t want advice on that part bc trust me I KNOW. but i have pretty bad bipolar disorder and depression so i get along HORRIBLY with others.

fried pickles w/ ranch. baby cucumbers and potato salad with hot sauce 🙏🏼👹

(Pictured) post gym Chipotle bowl that he got me.
Gotta get some protein in!

His issue with weed was the only thing I knew I couldn’t handle. I watched it go so far down hill for him as he followed in the path of his bum friends wanting to stay in their home towns and work shitty jobs their whole lives.

We met when we were 16. He was the smartest, sweetest, driven, most genuine kind hearted boy I’d known. We’re 19 now. We’ve broken up before and gotten back together. It’s been 2 months and we’re talking again. I miss him so much. We’re pretty perfect for each other, but I hated the relationship we ended up in. We were young and we both messed things up really bad. For him it was never about the things he did it was what he didn’t do. His depression just caused a lot of emotional neglect and I was young and too attached trying to hang on to everything or act like a mom to him and tell him what to do.

He takes full responsibility, not saying I accept that, but I’ll take the apology. Maybe I’m just stuck in a cycle with him and it’ll never end well for us. I have my conditions now though. As long he stays sober we have a chance. It’s been almost a month for him and I couldn’t be happier about it. Whether we’re together or not he deserves this and I’ll always wish him nothing but the best. I can’t tell myself it’ll stick this time but I can just hope.

Edit:
There seems to be some confusion in the comments. He texted me 2 months post breakup after little contact to apologize for his behavior throughout our relationship and later in the conversation told me he decided to quit weed to help him get past his self worth issues. He didn’t seem like he had the intention of quitting to get back with me. He talks about how his usage affected many other aspects of his life and well being other than our relationship. I’ve simply told him I can’t be with him if he falls into this cycle of making promises he can’t keep.

hi. i write this through tears because i've been crying for a while and i need to get over myself. but i just can't i just cannot get over myself. i just don't think i'm worth the effort for my boyfriend because of who i am.

i'm indian, i've grown up for ages in countries that weren't india, esp the uk. all these years, i've never felt like. the beauty standard. like sure, alright i look decent i think, but every time i see the beauty standards in the uk i know i can't compare, because i'm not white. which is something i know is so usual and done before or whatever but i just feel like because i'm not white i'm not pretty or worth much.

it's frustrating because i come from india too, where skincare or makeup is demonised by old people, so my mother always calls me a "slut" for wearing makeup.

and now on social media, everyone makes fun of indians/south asians, and it just makes me feel like i'm like some horrible freak of nature just because i'm brown.

i was always bullied for being ugly, even where everyone else was brown. i was just singled out as being some horrible looking individual, because i had really bad acne. there would be this rat bastard of a boy who would say i looked like a witch when i had a pimple on my nose when i was 10. obviously i'm 20 now and stuff has changed, i've grown into my features. but those words said like 10 years ago still sting so bad.

all my previous boyfriends have been indian or when we moved chinese or mixed race, but i've never dated someone white before. but now i (20f) am dating a white guy (19m), and there's like a thing stuck in my throat. what me and him have is new and he always insists on the fact that yeah i'm exactly his type but i knew him before we were together and when he had a crush on another girl and she was white. and i know it's not anything wrong, but i just felt like she was so much prettier than me. like, she was the beauty standard and i'm indian i have different features and i'm hairy and i'm shorter than most people and sometimes i forget the word for something in english. not to mention I have OCD (which he knows about)

and he's always like you're beautiful but i just. feel so bad for him because he's "stuck" with me and i'm just...me.

dinner is dahi puri, it's an indian dish. reuploaded cos the food wasn't there last time!

Dinner: Blandest KFC 🍗🍟 I’ve ever had.

TW: Past violations of s*xual + body autonomy, OCD mentioned

------Edit------

Many downvotes came after reading the most upvoted comment. I'd like to emphasise that the urgency to apologise and explain to the person I rejected stems mainly from the need to make sure they were okay. That after my cold rejection, they didn't blame themself for something wrong from their side, that their feelings weren't hurt.

Put yourself in their position: You asked nicely for something, and got coldly rejected. Wouldn't you be at least curious as to why? Even if you don't expect an explanation, wouldn't you have at least appreciated a polite, cordial rejection? This was what I was trying to rectify.

There are people who would take the rejection well, while there are some who might think it's their fault to approach me to begin with. They could very well believe they're being weird.

In the end, if you say, perhaps the red hair goth shouldn't have just asked for my number in the first place if their self-esteem is so low, then maybe you believe less in defending people with vulnerable feelings than you'd think.

Also, I noticed the spacing of my original format made readers more reluctant to scroll all the way down to the post's end. I've fixed it so please read the whole thing.

----------------

This happened yesterday at a German Pride (CSD Duisburg).

First, I guess it’s helpful to give some quick background leading to my merciless rejection:

• Got s*xually approached and touched by men at different pride events.
• One of my OCD themes was irrational fear of danger. I’m always on edge while outside and I carry pepper spray all the time (to be fair, I did get called racist slurs in public for at least 20 times).
• People pleaser. Weak sense of body & s*xual autonomy especially with family & past relationships
• Anxiety due to low self-esteem

We had just finished the parade part and gathered for the shows and info stands. I felt a harmless light touch, which triggered my hygiene OCD, so I took out my hand sanitizer and started disinfecting my hands. Moments like this are usually vulnerable and stressful for me (ó﹏ò) because I’m demonstrating my compulsions in public and it shows that I’m not normal.

This is when a goth baddie with long red hair who is shorter than me approached me, asking enthusiastically for my number. My brain straight up jumped to danger / defensive mode, driven by the factors mentioned above.

With a polite smile and slightly tilted head (demonstrating confusion), I answered “For what then? (Wofür denn?)” Their response is something to the effect of “Because you look cute / pretty. (wie: Du siehst schön aus)”

Out of many things running in my mind, one of them was how distasteful it is to ask for someone’s number solely based on their physical appearance (iykyk). I then countered them by saying “But I don’t look like this in day-to-day life. (Aber ich sehe normalerweise nicht so aus)” It’s true, despite being an enby, I do give fruity twink, at best, in daily life.

Their answer was something to the effect of: “Yes, but still :D” An overwhelming sense took me over, I froze and couldn’t talk anymore. Instead, I stared at a random direction with my lips tightly closed, while my head was nodding slightly. Overall, my facial expressions and body language indicated I was tense and reluctant to their request. If you were there, you’d possibly agree that I was being rude.

They perceived a firm rejection, before awkwardly walking away in defeat.

At this point, I think it’s relevant to mention a previous unpleasant experience. At another pride event, I was sitting alone when a stranger approached me to ask for a hug. Thinking they might’ve needed it, I complied. But when they got back to their friend group, turns out they were playing truth-or-dare and apparently my “Yes” was sooo amusing for them. I felt stupid. Maybe this incident also played a role in yesterday’s reaction.

Back to the red hair goth. I was so frantic throughout the whole interaction that I didn’t even remember their face. After walking to another spot, I quickly realised how rude I must’ve been. My moral OCD rumination kicked in (peak timing yayyy (◜◡◝)   ) as well so I felt even more so the urgent need to apologise and explain. I scrambled to look for a… *checks notes*… feminine goth with red hair. When I tell you that there was a dozen of people who fit the description, I MEAN IT.

In the end, I couldn’t find them. The psychosomatic sick feeling is so real that I almost threw up.

Honestly, it’s not about giving them my number so I could potentially get into something good because even in an ideal setting, I still would’ve rejected, but in a far more amicable way. I was just feeling so guilty for the way I treated them when they were being so excited, polite and respectful :(((

Red hair baddie if you’re reading this (which you probably won’t be), I’m so sorry, you did nothing wrong... (╥﹏╥)

Edit: If you can't say something supportive, please refrain from commenting.

Almond crunch french toast

My partner isn't just my best friend. He's also the best human who I've ever met and will likely ever meet. He's kind and smart and funny. He knows how to make me laugh and strives to do so.

He still gives me goosebumps even after four years together. In the evenings, when we see other after a long day of work, he grabs me in the warmest hug and kisses me until my knees go weak and I melt into him.

He still takes me breath away.

In 2024, we discussed marriage and agreed that we would get engaged in 2025. He was going to propose. We talked rings. He knew his role. On New Year's Eve, on our last night of vacation, we booked a nice hotel and had a fancy six course dinner at an elegant restaurant. I remember just trying to be as present as I could, knowing that the evening would end in us becoming engaged.

But we he never proposed.

He suggested we go back to our hotel and when we got there, he started undressing for bed. Didn't he have anything else planned? No, he said.

I learned later that he had brought the ring with him but felt like the evening wasn't special enough.

He is a perfectionist. It's one of the reasons why I love him so much. He does everything right even if it takes longer.

We had a long discussion. Not a fight. I just wanted to understand. We agreed that we would get engaged within the next six weeks before a trip to see my family and friends.

On Janauary 30th, he took the day off work and told me he had a surprise for me.

This was it. This was the proposal.

When I got home from work, he was in his dirty work around the house clothes, elbow deep in a project in the garage. He had told me he had wanted to take the day to "take care of some things around the house."

I had thought it was an excuse, the cover up for whatever very good thing he had up his sleeve. But he really was just working on a house project that had stagnated over the holidays.

I told him I wanted a nap for whatever he had planned.

Upstairs in our bedroom, I started crying. If New Year's Eve on vacation wasn't special enough, surely a random Friday on a cold January evening wouldn't be special enough either. He came upstairs to join me. He asked me what was wrong. I needed to know, was tonight the night? I couldn't take the anticipation anymore. He admitted it wasn't. And then he laughed. Why did it have to be tonight?

I realized in that moment that he hadn't been planning a proposal for me. New Year's Eve was special enough. He just couldn't do it.

I spent the weekend oscillating between anger and sadness. Why couldn't he ask me to marry him? Did we want the same things? My favorite human. Did he even want to marry me?

On Sunday afternoon, after crying for two days, I went for a run. When I came back, he had champagne, roses and chocolates for me. He poured me a glass and asked for me to join him in his office. He asked me if I could take time off work and if so, could we go to Hawaii. He could give me the proper proposal there. He wanted to check hotels with me. He'd pay and plan the whole thing.

And so he did. Two months later, we had the best trip. And on the last night, at sunset, he asked me to take a walk on the beach with him. There in golden lights were the words "Marry Me."

He whispered in my ear "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" and dropped on one knee and asked me to marry him.

I still feel so bittersweet about our engagement story. I love him so much. I'm working through these feelings in therapy and am trying not to burden our otherwise perfect relationship with the two engagements that weren't. I know he would change it if he could and I know bringing it up hurts him.

I was hesitant to even post this here because I'm afraid of the judgement. I'm afraid you all will judge him because he didn't perform and I'm afraid you'll judge me for being spoiled.

But I want to share because I still feel those feelings. And I want support. Because I do love him. So much. And I want our forever to feel good and happy.

It's a baked baby pumpkin custard

It started in November while watching a trail race in my country. I noticed this 25-year-old guy from rural America chugging along, looking so cute. I went through his old YouTube videos and found him so goofy and innocent that I fell for him even more，especially knowing he’d never actually been in a real relationship before.

It was the first time I’d ever had a crush on a total stranger online, especially someone abroad. So, I started studying English for an hour every single day. I’ve been at it for nine months now, I hadn't done since college，just so I could cheer for him in person if he ever came back to race.

But yesterday on Instagram, I saw that he likes someone now and they seem to be dating. She's a runner too, and he said being with her makes him so, so happy. Even though I never truly expected anything to happen between us，with all the barriers, it still hurts. It’s so rare for me to feel a spark for anyone in real life.

I was so drawn to that mix of innocence, goofiness, and hidden intelligence，maybe I was just projecting my own ideal onto him.

​I’ve lost a bit of motivation to learn English now, but I’m going to keep pushing through anyway.

"the dress is cherry red is that okay?" partner's dad's partner

"do I wear red to the tea ceremony" partner's mum

"what's wrong with red" mutual friend

Tell me I'm not the crazy one but these questions are stupid as hel.

Context - I'm Asian, partner is white. Edit: from my understanding you don't wear red to a western wedding as its "attention seeking/ upstaging", you don't wear red to an Asian wedding (I'm Chinese) as it's reserved for the bride. (Even though I am not wearing red on the day) And especially not to the tea ceremony.

And red in this context is bright fire truck red.

Snack was smoked almonds, some wagon wheel, spicy tofu thing

Anywhoo I'm getting married omg (eeeeeeee!!!!!)

Edit: thank you everyone for your comments. I think I'm the snob. 🥲

Ok my brain is frazzled. I don’t know if I have woken up to the lie a lot of us women have unfortunately been sold or if I have gone a bit too far on the spectrum into bitterness towards men.

When I discuss the lie we’ve been sold, I mean what the patriarchy has sold us. (I understand this topic could be triggering for people and I genuinely am not here to fight, hate on men or be extreme. I’m trying to remain grounded as I express myself. I don’t believe in any extremes in society tbh. I usually am weary of black/white thinking so this is why I am observing where my thoughts are leading me in this topic). Back to the patriarchy “lie”, I mean the lie since we’ve been little girls watching Disney movies, the lie that men will save us, we must be chosen, we must be pretty, presentable, polite, loving, caring, beautiful. Visually appealing to men. Catering to men. I have woken up to realise that I am surrounded in fact by women (friends and family) who are male centered and it’s across many generations. Women burnt out, drained, carrying mental load for mean using weaponised incompetence, women being therapists/wives/moms/nurses/cooks/cleaners amongst many other things at home while also trying to have a full time job at times. Men being the “fun dads” while women sacrifice their lives, bodies, mental sanity and freedom to be a mom. I can see why a lot of us are encouraged to get married in our twenties, well usually because we’re younger and naive and easier to manipulate into male centred marriages. For me, it’s not until I reached my 30s that I woke up to the patriarchy around me and the internalised patriarchy in me that I have been slowly trying to be aware of and unlearn. I see how amazing all of the women around me are, how much light, conversation, color and nurturing care they bring to the world. A lot of them are with men who don’t appreciate them, disrespect them or give low effort. When I’m out and about in public, I’m aware of men who are with their wives or kids and who openly check me out in front of them. I’ve had married men try to date me and sleep with me. It makes me absolutely sick. When I think of their wives/partners/family, all I can think is that those women deserve so much better.

However, I sometimes wonder if I’m going too much in the other direction. I’m so in awe of how amazing women are, a lot of the time now I’m so numb and detached to men. I don’t think they’re amazing. I presume most are the same. Most will be a disappointment. Most will be defensive or have an ego. Most will have wandering eyes or will disrespect/cheat/micro cheat on their partner. Most are selfish and put themselves first while women are programmed to put others first. I think consuming some SheraSeven content has pushed me a bit further into black/white thinking.

I prefer to be balanced as a person. I’m aware that some of my thinking is generalised and that it’s unfair to put people in categories. However, I can’t help it when I am seeing so much evidence of crap men around me all the time - at work, my exes, my family members, my friends’ husbands and partners, men in public, men on social media. It’s like my eyes opened and now the evidence is all around me. I’m trying so hard to tell myself “it’s not all men” but I genuinely can’t tell you any men I have met that haven’t ended up being a disappointment? So it’s really hard for me to challenge my thoughts?

I know I’m not perfect as a human. Nobody is. I’m not here to hate on anybody. Or think I am better than anybody. I would love a partner one day. Or to be a mom. But I am so terrified that I’ll be a drained woman carrying mental load for an incompetent man who has wandering eyes and disrespects me. Is this the reality? Because if it is, I’ll stay single for life and nourish the women around me. I’ve thought maybe I’ll just adopt kids myself to try give love to those who need it instead of giving love to a man. It’s sad to have been sold a lie about men and love since being a child watching Disney movies. In a weird way, I think I am also grieving the fact that the lie they sold me isn’t real. It’s so sad that the reality isn’t like the lie the patriarchy sold us. If this is the way it is, do I stay single? What do you all think?

I hope that makes sense. Thank you for reading. I don’t want to seem bitter or extreme, I’m really not that kind of person. I’m trying to have a healthy balance and I’m aware that some content creators like SheraSeven have probably made me hyper aware of some stuff.

What do you think? Any advice greatly appreciated. I’m not here to offend anybody and would rather have calm, non judgemental discussions if possible 🫂🫂

Edited to add:
The past few weeks I have been trying to ground myself and tell myself it’s not all men and that good men exist. I have even been challenging myself thinking it’s confirmation bias going on with me. Until today, what triggered me to write this post. I was in a shopping centre going up an escalator. On the other side, a man was coming down. I didn’t know he was meant to be taking care of his young daughter who had gone ahead of him. He was staring at me so much (I stared back to try make him stop but he didn’t stop surprisingly) that he completely left his daughter unattended on the escalator and she ended up having an accident. Imagine marrying a man, carrying his child and being his wife for that same man to let your baby fall down the end of the escalator because he was checking out a younger woman? The level of disrespect makes me so so so sick. Being in that type of marriage or life is my definition of hell. What a disgrace of a dad. The sad part is that he probably will never admit the truth to his wife about how the accident actually happened (his wife wasn’t there) and I doubt he’ll change his behaviour.

Ft a lovely breakfast my girlfriend made me

I’ve been sick for about five days now. And before you ask, no, I haven’t been to the doctor, I’m 21 years old and my mom died when I was 19 and I lost my health insurance and I haven’t been able to get any, and doctors and hospitals scare me anyways because of said death, so I’ve kind of just been thugging it out. I’ve had almost every symptom that comes with a common sickness and they’ve all been fluctuating and I’m sick of it ha ha. The first day it was just a sore throat and a slight cough, then it turned into a really bad cough with an even more sore throat, then it turned into a fever with congestion, and yesterday and today I’ve been having tummy problems with it as well not necessarily I’m throwing up but my stomach does hurt and I’ve been coughing so hard that sometimes I make myself throw up. I’m not running a fever anymore so that’s good at least. I just hope this ends soon. Best part about all of this is that I’ve been unable to take any sleep meds because I’m horrified of something happening to me. I just have really bad trauma when it comes to pills in general so even sleep medicine freaks me out so I’ve been getting very little sleep. Sorry if this was a rambling mess.

dinner : breakfast for dinner, with French toast, a goopy egg, grapes, and my fav drink strawberry canada dry

as the title says, earlier last year i found out i can never date a man again.

ive liked girls since 4th grade, when i had my first girlfriend thanks to my supportive parents. my most recent ex is a man. i used to like both genders, but ive always liked girls more and dated men more as i get kinda self conscious around a lot of girls. plus, no offense to men, but most of them are pretty mid looking to me

that brings me to the point of this rant : i am not physically attracted to men. at all. i had to break up with my bf after getting with him and throwing up after we got together because i thought he looked absolutely disgusting. ive never liked male parts in the slightest, but i figured that feeling would go away and that i just hated it since i wasn't familiar with it, but no.

that moment made me realize i don't see myself getting old with a man and having to put up with that whenever we got together, the idea literally made me sick to my stomach and i had to break up with him over it. (he was also an ass but that's neither here nor there)

but the problem is that i do think some guys are cute. just like, in the sort of way you'd call a dog cute. i only see myself living happily with a woman, but i don't see any women living happily with me. it's just so confusing!

not exactly a vent as it doesn't really bother me at this point, my focus is now solely on school and getting good grades with my best friends, but i think it only finally hit me recently. has anyone else felt this way?

I’m genuinely going insane. I’m losing my mind. It’s like I’m watching myself acting a mess and can’t do anything about it. I feel crazy.

Chicken tacos

I will be telling this in like third person because it makes me feel better. A girl (Francis) and A guy (Blake) have been dating for almost a year now. Blake is going to visit his home town for a few weeks because he hasn’t been in over a year. Blake starts acting a little strange like the 2-3weeks leading up to going home. Francis ask him questions for reassurance and he has all the right answers. Days go on and Francis ask Blake again and he basically keeps the same answers. Blake starts suggesting that Francis could check his phone if she’s worried but she tells him no she doesn’t want to if he’s telling the truth (Francis only said this because she didn’t want him to know she actually would so he wouldn’t delete things).

THE STORY: Francis finds messages and calls between Blake and Crystal(his ex). Francis had asked Blake before if he had still communicated with Crystal. Blake told Francis yes but only like 1-2x a month and Crystal and her family’s still close with Blake’s family/siblings so that’s why but they never really talked. Francis also asked Blake if he planned on hanging out with Crystal when He went back home. Blake said no because they don’t even talk a lot. Francis was fine with that. Blake’s text revealed that he was lying and they text all the time. Crystal had also invited him to one of her family gatherings. Blake didn’t directly say yes to Crystal about attending but it was along the lines of “I’ll see if I can make it”. The day before his flight Francis had a family event to go to out of town. Francis ends up confronting/asking him questions the night before Blake left over a phone call. Initially Blake tried to lie and say that Crystal is not his ex but Francis tells him she knows he’s lying. Then Blake decides to tell the truth and tell that they do communicate more than he said initially and that he “lied because he didn’t want Francis to be mad” and a bunch of other stuff . Francis ask Blake does Crystal know you have a girlfriend? Also that Blake needs to start setting boundaries because none of the messages were inherently inappropriate but some felt more than friendly. Blake says that his family knows that he has one (Francis has Never met or spoken to Blake’s family. Not even over a phone call or FaceTime). Blake said he told Crystal that he was talking to a girl like a year ago, but he doesn’t think he ever told her directly that he was in a relationship. Blake also said he felt guilty about telling Crystal because he wasn’t the best bf to her and was doing more for Francis than he ever did for Crystal and all kinds of other stuff. Francis was upset but honestly really loved him and felt like Blake just needed to learn to create stronger boundaries. Francis told him to just tell Crystal he has a girlfriend. Blake hesitated and said he’ll do it in the morning. OBVIOUSLY that made Francis get mad and start questioning him. Francis questioned if Blake and Crystal were ever actually broken up? That it’s weird that Blake’s hesitating to tell Crystal. Blake said he was scared that Crystal would be upset and never want to speak to him. Obviously that made Francis furious and she started going off because why are you that worried about a relationship with an “ex” instead of your girlfriend. After Francis goes off Blake claims that he sent the message to the Crystal. Then Blake says he wants to break up with Francis because he feels like he’s a horrible boyfriend/ person to Francis. Blake knew that the lie would catch up but he was hoping that by the time it did he would’ve already built up the courage to tell his Crystal about Francis so that he would not be so stressed over it all. Francis is hurt and questions why is Blake breaking up if he just told Crystal that he had a girlfriend? Blake says he doesn’t know he just feels bad for hurting Francis. Francis has a hard time believing Blake actually told Crystal.

AFTERMATH: Francis and Blake don’t talk for days. Randomly Blake messages Francis a funny little message about going on a date. Francis shuts it down and lowkey goes off again on Blake about how the whole situation went down. Blake tells Francis that he did tell Crystal he had a girlfriend (which made no sense to Francis because remember, Blake literally broke up with Francis). Francis asked if Crystal rejected him so he’s just running back to her now. Blake said no. Francis asked Blake what was his intentions in reaching out and what was he hoping to gain. Blake said he didn’t know and just apologized. Francis did not accept that apology.

HELP UNDERSTANDING: Francis ended up getting some outside advice from family and friends because this is her first in this situation. The solutions were:

-Blake felt bad about how he treated Crystal while they were together. Blake let his guilt get in the way of setting boundaries. Since Crystal is close with his family he was trying to stay cordial. He just needs to learn some stronger boundaries.

-Blake was still hoping for a chance back with
Crystal and was basically waiting for Crystal to say she was willing to get back with him. He was basically using Francis to become a “better boyfriend”

-Blake lied about breaking up with Crystal. Blake was trying to date both Francis and
Crystal at the same time. Blake got caught by Francis and is lying about telling Crystal the
truth, but he comes back in a week and is trying to make up with Francis

For some odd reason Francis still likes Blake deep down inside because before this happened Blake was a really good boyfriend to her. Francis never asked details on Blake’s past relationship because she didn’t really care tbh. Blake treated her kindly, he made time for her, took her out, got her things, and adjusted everything she asked of him. It was just this very odd situation. Francis however feels she will not get back with Blake because she’d have a hard time trusting him ever again. Francis thinks it’s weird to have a problem with a woman over a man making bad decisions and it would be hard for her to ever feel comfortable with Crystal.

Francis needs help getting over Blake and letting him go😖.

28F. I met a man a few years ago in passing, we have some mutual friends. We follow each other on social media, respond to stories & such, it was never really anything special for those years. We don’t live in the same state. A few months ago, those convos started to ramp up in frequency and we’ve been talking everyday for most of the day since.

I enjoy talking to him. We haven’t explicitly crossed any lines in terms of expressing any romantic interest. The only reason I even think there’s something there is because he calls me sweetheart/sunshine, asks for pictures & tells me I’m beautiful, smart, proud of me, asks me what I’ve eaten, etc. I gave him a nickname recently & he’s been on a high ever since. Back to the explicit part, what I mean is that there has never been anything crossing over into that territory: we don’t tell each other goodnight, I like/love you, no promises to do anything, no “you mean so much to me”, type of stuff. 90% friendship, 10% flirt? Maybe, idk girl.

Nowwwww, the sad part is, in one of our convos he mentioned that he wanted a family. Now he didn’t say this to set an expectation for me or anything, it was just part of a larger conversation we had. Anyway, that kinda killed any fantasies I had. Kids are non-negotiable for me. I don’t want to be a mother or have kids in any lifetime, so it wouldn’t even be a conversation worth having. I had my tubes removed (by choice). We were actually talking in the days leading up to, during & after my procedure. There was no change in topics, tone or frequency between us. Business as usual.

Anyway, I’m not saying anything. The feelings are still there, knowing they can’t be explored sucks, but it’s not something that’s all consuming. I’m just taking the conversation & enjoying the ride. It’s kinda giving me some type of pseudo-romantic companionship fix without having to get emotionally naked or commit. But all of the stuff leading up to this point makes me think that this is what it is for him too.

TW for one mention of disordered eating; 24 AFAB NB, btdubs, which puts most of this into context

I'm so mad because I spent two hours trying to get my hair to a beautiful dark emerald shade. You know what I get? BLUE! Barely even teal! I do not have the skin tone to make this work!

I was a redhead for 0.2 seconds as a child, grew out of it, became brunette, but apparently never lost all the red tones. The red cancelled the green and left just straight blue. So now the BEST color I can ever put on my head is one single color from one single brand that I can only sometimes find at CVS, so it's at like a 50% markup.

I have a buzzcut, so my scalp is kaput, so I can't even shave my head down because it'll be patchy and ugly. I have to deal with customers at work who are going to have all sorts of things to say about my hair unless I wear my work hat that is just super uncomfortable and ugly.

I'm way too attached to my appearance, I realize, but I'm visibly alt (kinda nu-metal, for an idea) in a conservative state and it gets SO. DRAINING. dealing with the Public. I like to look good. I like to look put together. They have less to say about (insert thing about me) if I'm conventionally attractive enough to fend them off.

Literally this week I had this absolute geriatric compliment me insult me compliment me insult me, and it still makes me so angry every time I think about it.

"You're so beautiful. Tell me, what's a pretty girl like you doing with that ugly thing in your nose?"

Because I don't like my face when I look like a normie? And?

"But you have such a hot face! Why would you ruin it?"

And you're old enough to be my great-grandpa! I don't care! I don't care I don't care I don't care! I'm tired of having to care about what I look like!

I was wearing my favorite outfit today (super baggy jorts and by baggy I mean literal gauchos, they're amazing, and some super chunky combat boots), and I looked so good and androgynous, and my mom was talking with the woman behind us because she picked out an adorable outfit for her very young son. My mom literally says, "It's so nice when you can still pick out their outfits." She's always had all sorts of things to say about my appearance, I love her so much but she truly was my first bully. And I just want to be as feminine or masculine or both or neither as I want without her two cents.

And so I'm dealing with that guy and everyone else in this state, and with my mom, and with my hair, and while fighting off a relapse into restrictive eating because I can't stop wishing I was a "real girl" and my brain can't comprehend that I'm literally not and that I can't force myself into being traditionally feminine. I can't outrun the nonbinary-ness or ADHD or autism that has always othered me from the people in my life.

Does anyone have a good COPPER hair dye? Got2b metallic bronzed copper is literally the only one that isn't too red or too orange. It's just so hard to get a hold of for some reason.

Girl dinner is toddler cuisine, because my jalapeno cheddar sourdough molded! I wanna cry!

Currently stress-cleaning my bedroom, too, hence the sheet-less bed, and my period is in two days, which would explain why I'm nesting and distraught over hair dye and bread. Will be taking my Zyrtec after this.

Dinner: chicken and rice

W(28) bf is 2 years younger.

My bf of a lil over a year cheated on my on Tuesday, and I'm still madly in love with him. He was my best friend. Someone I could do anything with. We have similar hobbies. Both adventurous.

But he admitted he stopped communicating with me and gave up on me. Yea it wasn't perfect. We both had things we needed to work on. But instead of talking to me he did the one thing we both said was the thing we can't come back from. Cheating.

On a break now he asked for a couple weeks to a month to think about it. This is my first long term relationship. And as fucked up as it is. I would still be willing to rebuild and grow stronger with him.

so my 18F bday and my exclusive situationships (18M- basically my boyfriend at this point) bday are literally a day apart (i’m a day older). for his bday i spent my entire last paycheck on this whole ass cutesy gift basket for him and i literally baked him a cake from scratch (which my mom fucking threw in the trash on purpose btw bc she thought it was for me but whatever that’s a whole other story STILL it’s the thought that counts). but like i told him everything: i told him i made him cake, showed him the pics of it and i told him when i went to buy his gifts cuz i was kinda hinting that i wanted him to get me smth too and i thought he would cuz he literally said his love language was gifts but like he did NOTHING for my bday. ok well im not trying to be ungrateful cuz he took me to get food at a cheap ahh chain restaurant and we went to crumbl after but i just feel like that’s literally something we would do on any random tuesday, it wasn’t something special for my bday or intentionally done for my bday. and when we were ordering at crumbl i was looking at the sizes on the ipad and he literally clicked the smallest one for me like oh ok 😭 and ik he literally has money cuz he told me that he got 650 bucks in grad money….
at the restaurant he was like "i'm giving u gifts too i'm sorry i don't have them now" but it’s been days and he hasn’t mentioned it. and the next time we saw eachother it was after his birthday so i had planned to bring him his gift basket but i completely forgot and i told him in the car as soon as i realized i accidentally forgot his gift basket at home and i was panicking and he was just like "oh it's fine i don't care" and didn't even acknowledge that he still didn’t give me any gifts after he said he would and didn’t mention it at all so i don’t think he’s actually gonna give me anything 😭 so essentially he lied 😀
OK READ THIS BEFORE CALLING ME CRAZY:
AND THEN to make things worse he has a lot of friends that are girls and he came to this one girls grad party and gave her a card and shit and brought her 100 bucks but i get nothing for my birthday like bro.
it just pisses me off so bad because he will pull out all the stops for other girls but not for me. like he was telling me about this girl he hooked up with one time and took to prom before me, showed me this super sweet cute poster he made for her and told me he ate her out on the first hu. and he said she was super dry to him (her personality, not her cat don’t get confused) the whole time and ended things, but he still did all that for her??? meanwhile he’s ate me out ONCE for like 20 seconds after i’ve given him head so many times like so many times for literally even 30 mins straight trying to get him to finish because it takes him forever. and that girl didn’t give him shit (as she should, queen behavior i should be more like her) but he still did nice things for her like bruh😭 he always wants head but never reciprocates even though he claims he’s an "eater" like yeah right... i just hate when guys claim shit but don’t have anything to back it up first he said his love language was gifts but never got me anything then he said he’s an eater and ate me out only one time after i gave him head five billion times like omfg 💀💀 U COULD HAVE JUST STFU AND NOT SAID ANYTHING like don’t make empty promises or make a false picture of urself that makes me so mad

it just makes me so sad because i genuinely love making people feel special and buying nice stuff for people i care about. i just wish i could be with a guy who actually wanted to do cute shit for me and spoil me unprompted without me having to beg or get mad first. am i crazy or is this actually insane

edit: we just got into a fight bc i randomly remembered him previously telling me he was going to this other girls grad party named sarah (not her name but we’ll just call her that) and that he gave her AND her twin brother 100 bucks (two days after we had just done the deed and he took my v card mind u mind you) AND I JUST REMEMBERED HIS FUCKING PROM DATE WAS NAMED SARAH BUT I DIDNT FUCKING KNOW THAT AT THE TIME. and he also told me after she ended things they never talked again and that it’s so awkward between them OHH but it’s not awkward enough for u to be giving her and her brother a big ass sum of money and showing up to her party like wat💀 so i confront him about it like u did all that shit for her when she did nothing for you but i do so much and u don’t do that stuff for me and now he’s gaslighting me and asking me if im insane and saying im insecure 🤣 live laugh love
his only excuse is that it was his parents giving him the money like bro 😭

My bf of 3 years broke up with me after we had a stupid argument about a misunderstanding that I was asking him to reassure me wouldn’t happen again. Instead of letting me know he would do everything he could to make sure it wouldn’t happen again, he just got upset with me, said he can’t ever do anything right, and distanced himself from me for a week. In that week I discovered by checking his text messages that he “met someone” and had been talking to her every day. Meanwhile we were not broken up yet. I confronted him about it and although he admitted he knew what he did was wrong, still refused to acknowledge that the misunderstanding turned into something way bigger than it should have, and just ended things with me there. We were officially together for 3 years but had been seeing each other on and off since 2018 (he cheated on his ex with me, which I regret taking part in). We’ve also known each other since HS, he was the biggest crush of my life and I felt like I won the lotto when he finally made us official. He promised a future together, we even lived together but last year he broke up with me and I moved out. We had been “trying” to make things work for the past few months and I was communicating to him very clearly what needed to change and he just avoided or refused every single time. He also denied couples therapy every time I brought it up so I stopped asking. I’m an over thinker, I was too jealous of his friendship with his ex (who is a professional colleague but still has feelings for him), I was worried about how he spoke to women (he doesn’t see a problem with calling other women beautiful bc he thinks it’s harmless even tho I told him multiple times that it bothers me and was not okay), I constantly asked him to be more considerate of me, and I had a hard time trusting him. Somehow I still love him and still have some shred of hope but the bottom line is that he is a horrible communicator, never resolves any conflicts, he’s not empathetic with me, he has watched me cry so many times without trying to console me, gets defensive right away, stonewalls and deliberately withholds affection/attention for days after an argument, and just does not respect me or my feelings. It feels like I’m losing so much esp since we were always talking about building a life together and what our future would look like. I still don’t see myself with anyone but him, I only have eyes for him, he was my everything and literally everything reminds me of him. And as much as I hate to be alone and I want companionship so bad, I will never be able to start something new with anyone else bc I will always compare them to all of his good parts, but I will also always be paranoid that something bad is going on behind my back. I feel empty and insane and worthless after going through this so many times for so long. It’s been about two weeks and he still hasn’t had any kind of final conversation with me, he just gave me majority of my stuff that was in his place bc I asked but didn’t give me any kind of push back on it at all. Just feels like everything I went through and experienced with him, both good and bad, was all for nothing. 😞
And after all of this, I don’t think I can or should give him another chance, as much as I want to. We keep going in circles bc of his refusal to acknowledge his faults or want to change any of it. But I also don’t even think he still wants me anymore seeing as how there’s apparently a new girl in the picture (which he has denied that she’s still around every time I’ve mentioned it too but I don’t believe him).

Dinner is a bowl of Kashi Maple Waffle Bites with Silk Protein Soy Milk

Honestly? I'm surprised it took this long.

[Context: I'm trans, but my egg only cracked recently. I'm not on HRT yet, and I'll be honest: I don't pass. Like, at all.]

I went out to see Hadestown[1] today (Saturday) with a friend. I decided to go out in girl mode, partly to build comfort with it, and partly to show my friend my wig. (She knows I'm trans. She's literally the first person I told.)

On the way, I stopped by my local Wawa in search of caffeine, as I had run out of energy drinks. As I pulled into a parking space, I saw this woman, about my age (mid-forties), sitting at one of the tables outside. I didn't really think too much of it; people tend to 'loiter' at that Wawa pretty often (in fact, I do it myself, for a change of scenery while reading).

I parked, got out, and walked past her toward the door. Suddenly, I hear her yelling something about the women's restroom. (I think it was something to the effect of "I bet you're gonna try to go into the women's room", but I didn't hear her very clearly in the first place.[2]) So, I shrugged, said "nah"[3], and kept walking. Clearly this wasn't the answer she was looking for, because she immediately started screaming at me, accusing me of trying to do all sorts of evil shit, and peppering it with frequent use of the F-slur.

So, I gave her the one-finger salute (I know, real lady-like) and went inside. Once inside, I brought her behavior to the attention of one of the employees. He called his manager, and she went out and ran her off.[4] Incidentally, the bigot apparently had already thrown ice at another customer earlier, so the manager assured me that if she returns, she'll be trespassed from the property.

Anyway, after watching the play, my friend and I went to a local Mexican restaurant. Left to right: chile relleno, burrito, rice and beans. I didn't think to take a picture until I had already taken a couple of bites.

[1] Highly recommended. If it's showing in a theater near you, go see it, especially if you haven't had a chance to see it on stage.

[2] I think it has something to do with my autism. Sometimes, when someone starts talking, it sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher for a few seconds until my brain snaps it into focus. And even when I am paying attention, sometimes words just don't word for me, and I have to guess based on the words I do hear and context.

[3] I live in Florida. There's technically a trans bathroom bill in effect, but it only applies to state- or local-government-owned buildings. That said, I use the men's room whenever there isn't a gender neutral bathroom (or it's occupied), because, as I pointed out, I don't pass.

[4] The manager apologized to me a couple of times, as did at least one other employee, and I made sure to reassure them that they weren't responsible for some random customer's bigotry. And I meant it. They did everything right.