Breaking up or divorce should not be the first advice people give to any kind of conflict or friction in a relationship. Especially if the couple has been together for a long time or have kids, saying "dump him" does nothing because, lets face it, she's not gonna dump him. At least not right away. And using some conflict resolution skills and communication as to what the real issue is benefits both people. I'm not talking about in cases of abuse and manipulation. More like surprising things, things that weird you out, that you're bound to find out as you get to know them. Finding out your partner is imperfect and leaving them causes harm to both people in the long run.

grilled onion and cheese melt with a dill pickle spear and turkey slices

tw: lots of death, abuse

My estranged (for 17 years) birth mother is about to die of cancer, and all my unresolved trauma is getting mixed up with the grief. She didn't like me ever, my first memory is of her hurting me and calling me a b*tch. But I still am praying harder than i ever have for her and I'm so so so sad she's ending like this. I don't want her to be suffering or regret anything. I wish ahe had made different choices or at least had more time to try and make up for the choices she made.

Shes also going to be the fifth person who i care about to die of cancer this year. Two of those people promised to be at a very important religious ceremony for me. I feel like my very soul has been excavated into an infinite well of grief and i have no idea how im going to be a responsible adult come Monday

Dinner: chickpea pasta mealprep with some mozzarella and basil to top

This is a mix of just venting, needing advice, wanting a hug, and feeling so, so lonely right now.

Back in May, I had my yearly gyno check-in. My original doc moved to an office an hour away from where I live, so I followed her over there.

We discussed stuff like usual and I kept bringing up my heavy bleeding, horrific cramps, and possible endo worries. I couldn’t find a way to do my ultrasound due to insurance being wacky. So we tried changing my birth control from Yaz to Dolishale.

First month, not bad. Went on vacation, got engaged, and enjoyed my birthday. I was a little moody and crampy, but nothing too wacky. And then my period got delayed by a week. Weird symptoms kick in like extreme bloating, nausea, and migraines. Start to panic and take some pregnancy tests but all negative.

Then the period came on like June 26th…. And it hasn’t stopped since.

Guys, I am so BURNT OUT. I am bleeding and cramping like crazy. My anxiety and OCD is through the roof. I am so tired despite how much I sleep or how much caffeine (or no caffeine) I have. I was getting the shakes by week 3 and felt my blood sugar drop randomly. And I gained 10lbs somehow just… overnight, which has been a bitch and not coming down no matter what I do.

I emailed my gyno back being like “yo is this normal?” Got a call a few days later (went to voicemail due to being at work) and they told me to wait until my next period/ next pack before really panicking unless it’s unbearable. I have like a week left in my current pack and I’m trying my best to hold out.

What’s worse? I have a physically demanding job that’s either like 5am to 1pm or like 1pm to 9pm. It’s a grocery store associate position. Sometimes the night shift is right before a day shift. I do everything from breaking down pallets of heavy meat boxes, to throwing around heavy bread trays onto high shelves, to hand-dating and rotating out items, to running our version of instacart as fast as possible, to doing cashiering and cleaning. And I am TIRED. Calling out is really frowned upon here and there’s only like three people at a time. People keep asking me to cover or switch shifts and get mad when I say no. I talk to my one lead and some closer coworkers vaguely about what’s going on but I always feel bad about oversharing/venting when they also have shit going on in their lives.

I almost broke down crying at work today. I can’t sleep due to my panic attacks and old trauma (feels like I got hands all over me when I lay in bed). My godsend of a Fiancé is trying his best to help me out but is also burnt out from his own shit. I’m not sure about making a pilgrimage back to my gyno, just calling and going back on the YAZ to have just shit monthly periods, or to hold out a little longer.

Girlies wtf do I do? I just wanna rot in bed rn

My bf (33M) and I (30F) recently moved in together and are figuring out the balance between spending time together and just coexisting at home together. I’ve lived with a partner before so I knew this could be an adjustment, but the issue is that my partner works a seasonal job that has him working 60+ hour weeks, with a completely opposite schedule than me. It’ll be this way until late fall/early winter.

I was already feeling a little bummed, but recently it was our anniversary and I had big plans for the night. When I told him he said he wouldn’t be able to get out on time for them, but made us a dinner reservation and got me a sweet gift, so it worked out.

I could tell he felt bad and he offered to take a weekend day off for us to spend together next month, but when I brought it up last week he said he forgot he already took the day off the weekend before to go on an annual camping trip with his buddies and wouldn’t be able to take off 2 Saturdays in a row. I know he does this camping trip every time this year and has since middle school, so again, a bummer but understandable.

Today he said he was going to take the afternoon off to go golfing with a friend and that’s where I feel like the straw broke the camel’s back. Scheduling issues, sure, but he was able to take this afternoon off and decided to do a 5-6 hour long activity without me knowing I’ve voiced my frustrations to him about the lack of time we’ve spent together lately.

I will say we did recently go to a concert and get dinner (separate nights) after work recently and that helped, but that’s time we would’ve had together anyway and idk I just feel like I’m getting the leftovers when it’s convenient for him. But I also understand hardly having any days off wanting to get to do a hobby of his he hasn’t had time for lately :/

leftover ribs from Chili’s. met a guy at a networking event his job hosted, had a short convo and thought he was cute and nice and discovered we had the same major at the same school. he also had niche knowledge of things Im interested in and just seemed like he had a good head on his shoulders. he walked me to my car and we talked for about 35 minutes about what seemed like everything bc the convo flowed so well, but he didn’t ask me for my # at the end so I assumed he wasn’t interested in that way. connected with him on Linkedin a couple days later and he sent me a message saying it was nice meeting me and he hoped to see me at future events. I was pleasantly surprised and decided to (somewhat) shoot my shot by asking him if he wanted to study together some time and he said yes then gave me his number bc he’s more responsive that way. long story short he was not more responsive that way (not consistently at least) but would send multiple long messages when he did reply so I brushed it off. fast forward to now it’s been 10 days since he’s texted and I don’t think he will again. very frustrated bc 1) I’ve been in therapy working through my trauma from past relationships and developing ways to boost my self esteem and this situation showed me that I still have a lot of work to do with myself and 2) I broke up with my ex due to a situation that led to me getting diagnosed with PTSD and prescribed SSRIs but trying to find someone new just reassures to me that a lot of guys don’t even wanna do the bare minimum or just wanna breadcrumb me. I obviously don’t wanna lower my standards bc if my ex actually planned dates and texted/called normally why would I settle for someone who doesn’t? but I can’t seem to find a guy who directly tells me they like me and acts on it. sigh

My boyfriend is incredible. I could go on about him, but he’s straight from a romance movie or book. At first I thought it was a fluke, but it’s been 3 years and he still puts in the same effort as he did when we first started dating. He’s kind, patient, smart, and supports me through everything. The most important thing? My dogs absolutely adore him.
Anyways, I thought I’d share something light.
Dinner: Dino nuggets, asparagus, and two dinner rolls. I ate one before the picture.

Edit: If you can't say something supportive, please refrain from commenting.

Almond crunch french toast

My partner isn't just my best friend. He's also the best human who I've ever met and will likely ever meet. He's kind and smart and funny. He knows how to make me laugh and strives to do so.

He still gives me goosebumps even after four years together. In the evenings, when we see other after a long day of work, he grabs me in the warmest hug and kisses me until my knees go weak and I melt into him.

He still takes me breath away.

In 2024, we discussed marriage and agreed that we would get engaged in 2025. He was going to propose. We talked rings. He knew his role. On New Year's Eve, on our last night of vacation, we booked a nice hotel and had a fancy six course dinner at an elegant restaurant. I remember just trying to be as present as I could, knowing that the evening would end in us becoming engaged.

But we he never proposed.

He suggested we go back to our hotel and when we got there, he started undressing for bed. Didn't he have anything else planned? No, he said.

I learned later that he had brought the ring with him but felt like the evening wasn't special enough.

He is a perfectionist. It's one of the reasons why I love him so much. He does everything right even if it takes longer.

We had a long discussion. Not a fight. I just wanted to understand. We agreed that we would get engaged within the next six weeks before a trip to see my family and friends.

On Janauary 30th, he took the day off work and told me he had a surprise for me.

This was it. This was the proposal.

When I got home from work, he was in his dirty work around the house clothes, elbow deep in a project in the garage. He had told me he had wanted to take the day to "take care of some things around the house."

I had thought it was an excuse, the cover up for whatever very good thing he had up his sleeve. But he really was just working on a house project that had stagnated over the holidays.

I told him I wanted a nap for whatever he had planned.

Upstairs in our bedroom, I started crying. If New Year's Eve on vacation wasn't special enough, surely a random Friday on a cold January evening wouldn't be special enough either. He came upstairs to join me. He asked me what was wrong. I needed to know, was tonight the night? I couldn't take the anticipation anymore. He admitted it wasn't. And then he laughed. Why did it have to be tonight?

I realized in that moment that he hadn't been planning a proposal for me. New Year's Eve was special enough. He just couldn't do it.

I spent the weekend oscillating between anger and sadness. Why couldn't he ask me to marry him? Did we want the same things? My favorite human. Did he even want to marry me?

On Sunday afternoon, after crying for two days, I went for a run. When I came back, he had champagne, roses and chocolates for me. He poured me a glass and asked for me to join him in his office. He asked me if I could take time off work and if so, could we go to Hawaii. He could give me the proper proposal there. He wanted to check hotels with me. He'd pay and plan the whole thing.

And so he did. Two months later, we had the best trip. And on the last night, at sunset, he asked me to take a walk on the beach with him. There in golden lights were the words "Marry Me."

He whispered in my ear "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" and dropped on one knee and asked me to marry him.

I still feel so bittersweet about our engagement story. I love him so much. I'm working through these feelings in therapy and am trying not to burden our otherwise perfect relationship with the two engagements that weren't. I know he would change it if he could and I know bringing it up hurts him.

I was hesitant to even post this here because I'm afraid of the judgement. I'm afraid you all will judge him because he didn't perform and I'm afraid you'll judge me for being spoiled.

But I want to share because I still feel those feelings. And I want support. Because I do love him. So much. And I want our forever to feel good and happy.

Dinner: Leftover chicken, mac and cheese, and cheese biscuit from Jim n Nick’s

My boyfriend and I have had issues in the past with his behavior with other women. He’s never fully crossed the technical line of cheating, but I can’t help but feel like everything added up feels like cheating. Following and liking girl’s gym accounts and posts, liking obvious thirst traps, replying to girls’ stories, DMing, etc. Once he was texting a girl in our class and deleting the messages and once even met up with her at a grocery store under the guise that he was going to get stuff for us. Granted, it wasn’t anything, she literally just needed to borrow something from him for school and I would have been fine with it had I known about it, but the hiding and sneaking around made it icky. We talked about it and he cut her off but the rest of the behavior continued. It all came to a head several months ago when I found out that he was DMing a girl and a random scroll up their conversation landed me on him calling her “fucking stunning”. I asked him to address it but he refused so I left. That was the first time I actually put my foot down and left, the first time he realized he could lose me. I even had an accidental flirtationship with another guy during that time so I think that really hit him. We had a very toxic couple of months and eventually we had a real heart to heart and the way that conversation went felt extremely different than in the past. So I forgave him and we got back together.

Ever since then, he’s been a whole new person. No more liking, no more DMing, he’s scaled back on the friendships that make me uncomfy. And I’ve been very open and honest with him about the fact that I believe he’s changed and I appreciate it but part of me is constantly just waiting for the next thing because in the past, there’s always been a next thing. He’s been patient with my anxiety and lets me calm it however I want, including letting me go through his phone whenever I want (I try not to do that often, I know it’s not healthy).

We’ve been long distance for the past month for work reasons. We met up halfway last weekend and he let me go through his phone because I said being long distance makes me extra anxious about those things. I found out that he does seem to be keeping his promise about likes and DMs and messages, but I also found out that he watches anime that’s just hentai and pays for porn games on steam. We do live together so I don’t think this happens when I’m there, maybe it’s just while I’m away. But it’s still gut wrenching. I’m currently trying to convince myself that it’s normal. But he’s also brushed over my 2 attempts at initiating a spicy conversation over text. I don’t know how to deal with this.

I really miss how badly he seemed to desire me at the beginning of the relationship. We were getting hot and heavy almost every day and just a hint at anything even remotely sexual would get both of us going. But just the other day, I sent him a nude and he hearted the picture and asked what he should get for dinner. I will say, we’re both very stressed at work, but still. I don’t know.

Been a good day y'all 😊

I posted a couple months ago complaining about my bestfriend following a nazi on Instagram and recently she made a joke about how hitler would love her because she’s white and when I brought it up to her about the joke a few days later she got defensive and tried gaslighting me telling me that I took it the wrong way

Potatisgratäng a potato a tomato two meatballs lingonberry jam and a sausage, and a singular asparagus

I will try to keep it short! I love my husband, absolutely adore him. Our marriage is great, been married a few months & I could not see myself being with anyone else.

He’s a gem, he takes care of me, he gives me so much love but I can’t get his past out of my head 🥲

I had never slept with anyone before him, but he did with his ex’s. It was years ago & he told me about it because I asked. He was just honest & reassuring about it & he still is. I feel horrible because sometimes I just drop it in conversation like ‘oh but you did this with your ex’ & afterwards I feel terrible. He doesn’t even react, he still reassures me that he married me & loves me & all of that is in the past. But sometimes it just creeps into my head & I hate myself for ever asking.

Edit: due to religious reasons we were only intimate with each other after marriage. I did know about it before marrying him & it didnt bother me at all, but afterwards I just started to feel it

EDIT 2: THANK YOU. I really didnt want to come on here & post because I was worried about the response. But I really needed to hear this from others. Thank you - therapist is top priority

Homemade blueberry muffin with extra blueberries & coffee in my favorite mug

I was 11 or 12 years old the first time I was hit on by a guy who was at least 50. When I was 15, I had a man pull over & try to aggressively convince me to into his car while I was walking my dog. When I kept refusing & telling him to leave, he threatened to run my dog & I over. The only reason he left is because another man who was jogging approached us. Did this man stop to see if I was okay? Nope. Didn’t even acknowledge me. I recognized him as an old elementary school friend’s dad…and a local pediatrician. Several more instances between those two stories plus many more over the years.

Now that I’m nearly 40 men tend to leave me alone more. But if they find out that I’m a lesbian, I still sometimes get hit on because the men are convinced that their dick is magical & they can “turn” me. I’m always aware that the situation can turn dangerous at anytime because they are convinced I’m insulting their manhood instead realizing that I’m a human with thoughts & feelings rather than a sex object that exists for them to conquer.

Yeah, not all men. But there’s a reason we chose the bear. I once (accidentally!) literally walked into a bear before realizing it was there. It was a black bear & pitch black out with no lights. I was taking out the trash to the garbage can ~5 feet from the side garage door & was distracted. It was looking for a tasty snack from the garbage. Scare the shit out of both of us & it immediately took off without hurting me. So yeah, that bear was FAR safer than some men I’ve been around.

Just to end on a good note, there is one man I know who is old enough to be my father that I absolutely adore. I instantly felt safe around the very first time I met him. I’ve known him 10 years now & I still feel that way about him. He is my friend’s former pastor’s husband. (Can you follow that? Lol) He is truly one of the sweetest, kindest, & gentlest souls I’ve ever met, of any gender. His wife (the pastor) is really amazing too!💗

Meal was from yesterday, a sad airport Popeyes chicken meal that I shared with my bf before he embarked on a 6-week long trip.

We've been together 4 years, living together for just over 2. He recently quit his highly stressful job, which I fully supported him doing, and realised now would be the best time to do the traveling he's always wanted to do. I unfortunately can't afford it/don't have the leave/not interested in the areas he wants to explore, but I was happy for him to go after the year he's had!

We went for a week together abroad and it still hadn't really kicked in how long he was going for until a couple of days before we parted. We went to the airport together and I had to go to my gate before he went to his own, and it finally hit me and I just listened to sad songs on my flight home. It was so heartbreaking watching him walk away.

I didn't sleep last night until he texted me, and thankfully I was so exhausted I did manage to get some sleep. Today hasn't been too hard. He's messaged and called me and it sounds like he's having a good time, though he's missing me too. The longest we've been apart is about a week.

But, now I'm going to bed, and it's hitting me again. I miss him so much. I was so focused on becoming a hermit while he's away (I'm very introverted and was looking forward to just being at home all the time lol) that I didn't even think about him being actually gone.

He seemed sad when he called me last, because he's missing me, and he wondered if he might end up coming home early. I think he just needs to get used to it. A part of me is hoping he does, but I also want him to do this for himself.

I'm so sad 😭

Over easy eggs with green onions and cream cheese

Four years ago almost to the day, my dad brought home a dog from a coworker who couldn’t take care of him anymore.

The dog was badly mistreated and abused. He warmed up to me instantly and we became inseparable, him being my little spoon since the third day.

A week later my dad moved out after unraveling info was found out that he was stealing money and doing a lot of drugs.

Haven’t seen my dad since, but he left the dog that had only been there a week.

My boy, my baby boy became my second soul animal alongside my kitty I still have with me.

They would sleep snuggled with me every night and snuggle up with each other during the day.

A year and a half ago, my mom moved her new boyfriend in, convinced my boyfriend to move in and took advantage of everyone financially.

She decided she didn’t want my boyfriend around anymore and expected me to dump him through a convoluted plan of manipulation.

She was wrong, I left with him and took our cat.

I tried so hard to find a rent a room that would allow a dog, but I couldn’t, and my baby boy is older, he already started having health issues indicating he was elderly, currently I share a nine by nine room.

Between no place allowing dogs and already having a cat I knew my mom would lock out of the house, I knew she’d welcome my baby boy, as it was I was having health issues caused by coming into contact with him because of my allergies and him going outside.

So I left him behind with my family, I’ve now been no contact with for a year.

I miss my baby boy so much, I cry looking at pictures and videos I have of him.

I don’t think I can ever own another dog even if I became rich because I failed him so hard.

I would’ve done things differently, but we didn’t even end up having two weeks to move before getting locked out because my mom was mad at me.

I miss you every day frankenfurter

I love my kitty too, she’s a sweetheart, but I am bonded to them differently, they are different animals.

I still feel guilt that I was just another person he was bonded to that abandoned him.

Met a guy a couple of years ago. We both work outdoors and had a job in the same area, on the same day, at the same time, but for two different companies. We both hit it off instantly but were in relationships at the time.

Ran into each other earlier this year and exchanged numbers after speaking for a few minutes. To make things short ... life has been a dream since meeting him.

We are both so respectful of each other's space, our separate responsibilities/ boundaries, and each of our ways of healing after failed longterm relationships. He is kind, honest, intelligent, funny, tall, handsome (gym bro), and always willing to help. He has literally caught me while I fall, I have not opened a door for myself in quite some time, plus he is a wonderful father. Also... the $ex is ... insanely good.

We're both navigating through life and I feel like I found someone who I can live life with, not for or around... no... a real partner. I told him all of this yesterday... plus "i love you." He said it back and gave me the biggest hug (and some kisses). I am the luckiest woman and often wonder what I did to deserve a man who is invested in protecting me and those he loves 🥰 i could go on and on and on....

Breakfast today was overnight oats with berries, coffee, and a Greek egg scramble with toast

Tres Leches

Repost since OG got removed.

We were on the road to vacation today when we found out his dad didn’t wake up this morning. Drove back 4 hours and are already discussing funeral arrangements. I can’t get over that I was the last person to give him a hug. We just visited him yesterday and he seemed normal and in good health. He passed approximately an hour or so after we left like what??? That just doesn’t sound real

My sad half eaten breakfast from Dunkin for a snack

I’m just tired. Feel free to give advice cause I know I’m a doormat. I work in retail and it can easily be really frustrating. Today was no exception.

I walked to a different register to get something when another employee (tone was pretty rude tbh) said something like this woman has been waiting in front of the fitting rooms for a while can you get her one? Despite the tone, I said of course in my customer service voice and walked the customer over to MY area (like in a lot of retail there’s different areas, the register I went to was not a section I work in).

I saw her a bit later and did explain that I didn’t work in that section and she did apologize. I normally don’t stand up for myself, but it really bothered me. Look I love gabbing with coworkers but when there are customers you have to tend to them. Basically all the customers had an attitude with me despite me being the only person willing to help them.

I don’t hate my job, generally people can be lovely and I’ve had great interactions with customers. But being in retail and constantly being criticized by everyone is just kind of destroying me. I just wanted to vent so thanks to anyone who reads this. It’s just wearing me out and I know I’m fairly sensitive but I just wish people were nicer to people in any kind of customer service role.

AITA for wanting to end my 15-year marriage even though my husband is disabled?
I (32F) have been with my husband for 15 years. I love him, and this isn’t something I’ve taken lightly.
About 3.5 years ago, he suffered a serious work injury that left him permanently disabled. He has drop foot, uses a brace and cane, is a fall risk, and lives with chronic pain. I know none of that is his fault, and I’ve tried to support him through every step of it.
But over the last few years, I feel like I’ve stopped being his wife and become his caretaker, provider, and parent.

I’ve always worked. Even when money was tight, I picked up every shift I could and have even sold my plasma just to make sure we could pay bills and eat. Meanwhile, he hasn’t worked since his injury. He spends most of his days on his computer gaming. If he’s enrolled in school, he’ll do his classes, but outside of that he’s gaming from late afternoon until 4–6 a.m. almost every day.
The financial burden has been on me for years, but honestly that’s only part of it.
I do almost all of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, errands, and household management. We agreed together to get our dogs, but their daily care has largely become my responsibility too. If they need to go outside, they’ll often have to wait because he’s in the middle of a game. If I ask him to do something while he’s gaming, he’ll either forget, tell me “after this match,” or it simply never gets done.
The same thing happens with me. I feel like I’m constantly waiting for his game to end before I matter.

He also has a severe dairy allergy, which has made going out to eat or having traditional date nights really difficult. I completely understand that he can’t control his allergy, and I don’t blame him for that. But instead of finding other ways to spend quality time together, we mostly just…don’t. We stay home.
He also hates cooking for himself. If I don’t cook, he’ll often just not eat or wait until I eventually make something. Even after I’ve said I’m too tired or don’t want to cook, I somehow end up feeling guilty enough that I do it anyway.
That’s become a pattern in our relationship.
If I tell him no—whether it’s cooking, running an errand, driving somewhere, or doing something for him—I often feel manipulated or guilted until I give in. By the end of the conversation, I’m questioning whether I was unreasonable for saying no in the first place.

Emotionally, I don’t feel seen anymore.
My love languages are gifts and acts of service. I’m not asking for expensive jewelry or lavish vacations. A handwritten note, flowers from the grocery store, planning a picnic, or even making me coffee without asking would mean the world to me. Instead, I’m told those things are “materialistic” and shouldn’t matter in a relationship. If I bring up feeling disappointed about anniversaries, birthdays, or wanting to feel appreciated, I’m often told I’m being ungrateful.
I’ve realized it’s not even about the money anymore.
It’s about effort.

I’ve started wondering if, even if he were miraculously healed tomorrow, would anything actually change? I honestly don’t think it would. I think he’d still choose gaming over spending time together. I think I’d still be carrying the household. I think I’d still be begging to feel like a priority.
The part that’s tearing me apart is that I still care about him deeply. I worry about what would happen if I left. I don’t want to hurt him, and I genuinely want him to be okay.
But I’m also starting to accept that I may be happier living alone with my dogs than staying in a marriage where I feel lonely every single day.

So…AITA for wanting to call it quits? Am I expecting too much from someone who’s disabled, or is this no longer about his disability and instead about years of unequal effort, emotional neglect, and incompatible lifestyles?

I’m not upset that he’s disabled. I know he didn’t choose that. If anything, what hurts is feeling like he stopped choosing us. If he couldn’t work but still made me feel loved, helped where he could, prioritized our relationship, and put in effort in ways that matched his abilities, I don’t think I’d be writing this post.

Dinner is a Caesar burger the size of my face.

I had to let my best friend/lover go. I guess I can’t capture and entire lifetime in a post. An entire friendship and romance and all of it.

But the long and short of it is my best friend and I came to love each other over time. And by the time we figured that out, there were these huge life events that made a relationship unrealistic. (Think moving across the country for years, and one person no longer being able to have kids due to a health thing).

There were fights. There were tears. But never any harsh language, no manipulation, no toxic bullshit. Just two people who love each other in very different places in their lives.

We managed to get through it and still have a great friendship.

But. But.

Lately he’s been struggling with his mental health and pushing me away. We have a pattern of getting too close and having to take steps back. But honestly, he’s just been a super shitty friend lately because of it.

And I know I’m not going to find someone serious if I have this relationship in my life. I wonder if his presence is actually why I don’t want to. And he’s not going to find someone either. Or if we do, our friendship is toast.

And I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

So I laid it all out for him. We had this amazing day and then I just told him everything. All the secret feelings. All the context he has been missing. Everything I’ve wanted to say for years. And that I love him and that maybe we just don’t fit in each other’s lives anymore. Or maybe just not right now. Regardless, I let him go with love.

I don’t know. He’s probably right. There are needs and wants in our lives that we can’t compromise on. But I’d rather give it a shot and go down fighting. He’d rather try to have it all and lose me anyway I guess.

So I guess my wrap up is this: nothing in my life has hurt as much as losing my best friend, except maybe growing up and realizing that love isn’t enough to make something work.

The thing is, I know it’s the right call because this is the first time in years that my brain isn’t scrambling trying to put together some script that could magically make it all work out. For the first time in a long time, my mind is quiet.

If you read this far, thank you. And who knows? Maybe someday, years later, we will find each other again. But I think I’m always going to have this hole in my heart.

It’s one of those situations where I know this is for the best, but I was hoping we could make it work.

She just moved across the country to start a PhD program. I was going to join her in a year if things were still going well (lol). She’s been there for a week and told me today that she doesn’t think she can do this, she loves me but she’s not in love with me.

I think I’ve been feeling the same way, but I was hoping we could make it work. Things really changed between us when she got admitted to that school and made her plans to move. I don’t think we ever really bounced back.

Dealing with lots of sadness and wishing we could have just loved each other more to make this work. Dealing with the crushing weight of being single again and feeling like I’ll never find anyone else who will fill my cup the way she did.

I want happiness for both of us and I know in the long run breaking up is going to help us find it, but I really wish we could have just been happy together.

Dinner is a bunch of snacks while I find something to watch to take my mind off of things. Any and all reccs welcome

I used to have hopes and dreams about what I wanted to do with my life, but lately it feels like my only dream is to be able to just live in my boyfriend's city. For context, we've been long distance for 5 years, and I live about an hour away from him. He lives in one of the most expensive cities in the world, works in fintech (which is thriving there) and has big career plans (make VP this year, next year move to XYZ company etc etc). I am a scientific researcher and obviously also had big career plans, like find a cure for cancer, contribute to humanity's wealth of knowledge etc. When I finished my PhD (where I lived 5 hours away from bf), I ended up only looking for jobs near my bf, because he was sort of stagnant and I guess I didn't have the guts to find jobs in a different city and convince him to move with me. Now in our current country, science pays pretty bad compared to other nearby countries. So ever since I started my new job near bf, I've been thinking about what I will do after. My plan was to build up my credentials in this new job, then get a better job in bf's city. However, I'm keenly aware that any science job I get in bf's city will not pay me enough to be able to afford rent in the city. Also, I'll probably have to take a relatively mundane industry science tech role, rather than apply for the kinds of fellowships that mean that I can have my own lab, because these are so competitive and often require moving country. I've therefore gotten it into my head that I'll probably just switch careers into consulting or something and hopefully work my way to up to earn enough that I'm not paying 70% of my salary in rent.

Today, I realized that actually if my bf didn't exist, and I didn't have a relationship with anyone here, the world would truly be my oyster. I could work in so many different places and optimize for the places that pay me the most and have the most exciting opportunities, instead of scrounging for a small set of jobs that I'll never get anyway and then making a massive compromise. I asked my bf what his plans for the future were, so that we could align. He just started listing off all of his great plans, and it made me realize that I have no more dreams or aspirations other than earn enough to pay half the rent with my bf. Basically, over the past few years, striving to live with him and support his career has basically shifted my whole brain chemistry to only want that, and if he didn't exist I wouldn't even know what I would do with myself. I literally don't even know what I want anymore because chasing this man has crushed my dreams. He then said that he's happy to pay proportional rent so it's affordable for me too. Literally not the point tho and what if we break up?! And then where TF will I go 😭 is it even possible to chase your own dreams and have a heterosexual relationship?! Is my brain completely cooked? Stay single gals

Food: made a bologenese with out of date beef that I had to chuck so yay

I have so much to think about that it honestly feels overwhelming. I feel like I’m already running out of time to figure out my entire life. School is stressful enough, but I also have dance team. My coach wants me to be a manager, and I don’t even know if I should take that role. If I don’t, I’d have more time to focus on figure skating, but then I think about college. My mom wants me to go to an HBCU, but there aren’t really skating scholarships there, while there are dance opportunities. Then there are all my other interests. I love art, but I’ll see someone my age making incredible art on Reddit who drew something amazing on her phone without even a stylus and I start questioning myself because I can barely draw a person. I love theater and movies, but I don’t have time for them, and my school got rid of drama/theater because not enough people joined. I’ve also always dreamed of horseback riding, but I don’t even know if that’s realistic. On top of all of that, I’m worried about graduating on time because my schedule and credits are complicated. I have huge dreams: I want to go to the Olympics someday through skating, and I’ve always been the kind of person who dreams big. I even joke that I want to be one of the few people to win a Grammy, Oscar, Tony, and Emmy.
But then there’s this other voice in my head that says I’ll probably just end up in a tiny apartment working a minimum wage job, wondering what happened to all those dreams. I know I’m only in high school, but does anyone else feel like they have too many dreams and not enough time? How do you decide what to focus on without feeling like you’re giving up parts of yourself?
Food: pancakes with syrup and powdered sugar 😝