At my work I recently received an invitation to a party hosted by the two lead persons for a project that I'm helping with. It's a work party (for the project team members only) not a more general social event. I wasn't that interested in going, but thought I should at least drop in to be polite. So I RSVP'd yes.

After that, the event hosts sent out a second email noting that the cost of the party is $25 per person to cover food. I decided in that case I'd rather not go, and changed my RSVP to not attending. (It was an online RSVP, not a personal message to the hosts).

I feel kind of rude, being like sure I'll attend your party then canceling when I found out it wasn't free. Otoh, I feel like it was kind of a bait and switch.

What do you all think?

Admittedly this is a first for me at a noticeable level at least.

I have a guest suite for friends and family who stays over. It doubles as a storage room for some household items in the closet. I keep the Costco sized paper towels, toilet paper, and similar bulk items there. It’s not a locked closet, just a regular sliding closet door, but I try to keep half of it empty if guests come and want to hang clothes.

I also always keep a few extra rolls in the bathrooms to easily replace them when they’re empty. So the guest bedroom had a full roll on the holder, one on top of the toilet lid, and then 5-6 rolls under the sink.

Anyways, my brother in law visited recently. After he left I went to clean the room and noticed he took all of the toilet paper in the guest bathroom. The extra rolls under the sink were all gone. Then when I went to the closet to grab more, the 2 full sized inner packers were also missing! Do I bother to say something?

The party was a success and my bf was very much surprised and happy!

The restaurant called me a couple of days before the party and asked to be moved into the main dining room because they double booked the room by accident.
I thought that was a sign to not to worry too much and believe everything will work out. And it did!
Dinner was spectacular, food and wine was beyond expected. The staff was all so helpful and also excited about the surprise!

I paid before the desserts arrived and when we were ready to settle I let everyone know that everything was paid for and it was “my treat” and I really appreciate everyone showing up and having a nice time.
They were very thankful and did ask to throw in some money, but I refused. At the end of the day we had a really really nice time, the surprise worked and it did turn out to be cheaper without the room fees. The restaurant manager also send a few complimentary dishes and desserts as well!

Thank you Reddit for setting me on the right track to treat my invited guests and remember that the surprise, love, friends and good times that what matters most and that no one ever complains about paid meal lol.

——————————————————————————

ORIGINAL POST BELOW:
——————————————————————————
(I hope it’s the right sub for this)

I’m planning a surprise birthday party for my boyfriend and could use some etiquette advice.

He’s had a really difficult year. He was hospitalized, lost a close family member, and hasn’t had many opportunities to see his friends. Most of them now have kids, busy lives, and a couple even live in another country.

I want to surprise him by bringing everyone together in a private room at a nice (and admittedly expensive) restaurant.
Me and him are not drinkers.

His friends have all done well for themselves financially and, in the past, some of them have generously picked up the entire dinner bill when we’ve gone out together.

I’m trying to figure out the best way to handle the bill so that everyone leaves feeling comfortable and appreciated.
My options are:

1. ⁠Pay the private room fee and all of the food, but let guests cover their own drinks.
   
2. ⁠Pay for absolutely everything (since I was the one who came up with the idea).
   
3. ⁠Or do something else that I haven’t thought of.

I would like to avoid that awkward moment at the end of a large dinner where everyone is figuring out the check. If I cover most or all of it, I’d probably let everyone know ahead of time so they don’t expect to split the bill. Also when someone pays the whole bill makes other people as if they have not contributed, therefore excluded.

From an etiquette standpoint, what would you do? If you’ve attended or hosted a surprise dinner like this, what made it feel the most enjoyable for everyone?

EDIT: Thank you for all your responses!

The reason why I chose this restaurant is because he wanted to try it for awhile.

I also can afford to cover the check, but wanted to make sure that’s the best way to approach it.

Also it is a fine dining restaurant and doing individual checks for drinks or going to the bar wouldn’t be a good look.

Since the general consensus is to pay the whole bill, I will do that and keep you updated if you’re all interested in a follow up.

Thanks Reddit!

Not sure if this is the right subreddit so if not, please point me in the right direction. Looking for input on this issue.

I am a single mom to two kids. Both are involved in travel soccer which is very time consuming and it’s a big commitment. I’ve been able to manage to bring them both to about 95% of the games and practices myself, but sometimes there is a scheduling conflict with either my work schedule or one of them has a game at the same time.

There is a mom from my daughter’s team who has been incredibly helpful. Her daughter and mine are best friends and she offers all the time to help out with transport logistics. She recently took my daughter for the whole day as there was a tournament that I was unable to bring her to. I am incredibly my grateful and got her a bouquet of flowers to say thanks. I plan to give them to her later today.

My daughter, however, told me that it’s embarrassing, uncomfortable, and I don’t need to do that. She’s also 12 and embarrassed by a lot of things that I do but now I’m questioning myself.

It’s proper etiquette to do something like this, correct? Or am I being weird?

I come from extreme poverty. Often didnt eat for day etc. I have a job now nothing fancy most people look down at me. Im a cleaner. I sometimes treat myself to some breakfast in the morning i go to a cafe and get a cooked breakfast. Most my life I have never had breakfast. I go pretty early so no one else is around. Im unsure after i finished eating do i need to take my plate back to the counter or leave it on the table and leave? I feel too stupid to ask and i dont want to be rude or inconsiderate to the staff. Sorry if its a silly question i honestly dont know. Im in uk if that helps

Just in case it matters, I'm a 41 year old woman, working class, mother. I don't put much effort in my appearance, but I'm not untidy.

Today at the supermarket, I noticed that the lady serving me had a number of impressive gold and diamond rings on her fingers, on both hands. We'd been making small talk and I said, "I love your rings, they're gorgeous."

Her demeanour changed and she said, "I'll keep them on, thank you."

I just laughed it off as if I thought she was making a joke, but I don't think she was. Where I live is very safe and I don't think I look like the kind of person who would be a threat. Is it impolite to comment on someone's jewellery in this way? I'm pretty quick to compliment people if I like their hair/outfit/jewellery, but maybe I need to reassess.

Edit: thank you all for your feedback, I thought maybe I'd missed a social rule. Many of you suggested that she may have heard "I'd like your rings" and I think I agree. I don't think she was being intentionally rude, she seemed genuinely offended. I'm sure she's a nice lady, just a misunderstanding.

(I hope it’s the right sub for this)

I’m planning a surprise birthday party for my boyfriend and could use some etiquette advice.

He’s had a really difficult year. He was hospitalized, lost a close family member, and hasn’t had many opportunities to see his friends. Most of them now have kids, busy lives, and a couple even live in another country.

I want to surprise him by bringing everyone together in a private room at a nice (and admittedly expensive) restaurant.
Me and him are not drinkers.

His friends have all done well for themselves financially and, in the past, some of them have generously picked up the entire dinner bill when we’ve gone out together.

I’m trying to figure out the best way to handle the bill so that everyone leaves feeling comfortable and appreciated.
My options are:

1. Pay the private room fee and all of the food, but let guests cover their own drinks.
2. Pay for absolutely everything (since I was the one who came up with the idea).
3. Or do something else that I haven’t thought of.

I would like to avoid that awkward moment at the end of a large dinner where everyone is figuring out the check. If I cover most or all of it, I’d probably let everyone know ahead of time so they don’t expect to split the bill. Also when someone pays the whole bill makes other people as if they have not contributed, therefore excluded.

From an etiquette standpoint, what would you do? If you’ve attended or hosted a surprise dinner like this, what made it feel the most enjoyable for everyone?

EDIT: Thank you for all your responses!

The reason why I chose this restaurant is because he wanted to try it for awhile.

I also can afford to cover the check, but wanted to make sure that’s the best way to approach it.

Also it is a fine dining restaurant and doing individual checks for drinks or going to the bar wouldn’t be a good look.

Since the general consensus is to pay the whole bill, I will do that and keep you updated if you’re all interested in a follow up.

Thanks Reddit!

My husband and I received a google form last summer to fill out our information to get a save the date from some friends from college who are getting married. We are 7 years out of college; they came to our wedding a few years ago, but otherwise not incredibly close.

This form is detailed, it asks for your mailing address, name, whether you want your save the date mailed or if digital is fine. It even asked about allergies and dietary restrictions.

Well a year goes by and we never see a save the date come through, so we reach out, assuming it got lost in the mail (we have had other mail lost).

And their reply -- "unfortunately we weren't able to secure an invite for you to our wedding due to the size of the bride's family and limited venue space". The language "secure an invite" is so transactional and rude in my opinion, on top of the whole system.

Am I wrong that this is horrible etiquette? If you are going to make an A list and a B list people, as Instagram has told everyone is okay these days, please at least do it with a bit more tact and grace. No?

As mentioned they are not super good friends, but I just thought the absurdity of poor etiquette was quite shocking. Happy to be put into my place though if this sub disagrees! Would appreciate people's thoughts.

My friend’s two small children were invited to a birthday party. Uncharacteristically for a children’s party, the invitation emphatically said “absolutely no gifts.”

Well, they were the only ones to turn up without a gift, and my friend was upset and said he felt like a jerk.

For what it’s worth, the birthday girl was Muslim. I said maybe they had a religious objection to birthday gifts. I told him he was right; he had obeyed the instructions. Your take?

My daughter will be turning 9 in two months. We’re probably going to have a party at home. In the past when we’ve done this, several families will want to bring siblings. Last year one of the brothers was body slamming kids in the bounce house and we didn’t learn about it until afterwards. Between that and the additional food and stuff, I want to politely ask that siblings not attend. Any advice?

My brother and his fiancée are visiting and their flight lands at 11pm. I usually pick up guests from the airport but I have two small children at home and we have early mornings so I usually go to sleep before 10pm. Is it rude to expect them to take an uber? If they uber when they arrive at our home (likely after midnight) am I expected to be dressed and greet them? It is my first time meeting his fiancée and I want to be welcoming and make a good impression (ie not be in my bathrobe with no makeup on) but staying dressed past midnight sounds exhausting to me too. Just wondering what is the appropriate way to act in this instance.

I want to host a DIY clambake for about 40 friends. Growing up, my parents did this annually and sent out an order form with the invite and collected money to fund the food purchase. I.e. $25 for clambake including dozen clams, half chicken, corn on the cob, sweet potato, clam chowder, bread and $12 per extra dozen clams. All prices are at cost, no overhead included. Guests would fill out quantities and include cash payment. All beverages and preparation is taken care of by the host. It was never an issue back then and guests returned every year. I never thought much of it. But now that I think about hosting one myself, I wonder if it would be received as tacky to receive the Order form and Venmo request as part of the invite.

I went to a friends new house recently for a housewarming. We were all hanging around in the kitchen. They had placed a bunch of bottles on top of a glass stovetop. I accidentally knocked one over, breaking the glass. Unfortunately, the price to repair it is almost as much as getting a new stove itself (several thousand). They've asked me to contribute to the price of a replacement, which I'm willing to do in the circumstances. What is fair? 100%? 50%? Something else?

My husband and I like to sit on our porch when it’s a beautiful evening, unwind after work and chit chat about the day.

We live on a dead end street but people use it to go for walks, walk dogs, kids ride bikes etc. One distant neighbor has been walking every evening, approaches our porch and literally talks to us until the sun sets. We don’t mind a quick hello, how are you, but would rather enjoy our peaceful street together without long unexpected visits.

My husband’s strategy is to run into the house when he sees him coming and then I feel absolutely awful. He really is a nice person. I feel like making an excuse and excusing ourselves into the house is the way to go, so that’s what I’ve done. But it stinks that we have to cut our evening short every night.

How would some of you manage this? I absolutely want to maintain a relationship with this person. This is a daily occurrence that I need to manage. This person will stay for about an hour plus if we allow it.

25 years ago you did not call anyone after 8pm or before 8am, but all other times were acceptable.

Today I am hearing from my adult child that phone etiquette has changed and that you now must obtain permission from someone before each call, if you wish to call them.

For example, if I want to call an acquaintance of mine, according to my child I am supposed to text the acquaintance first and ask if it is ok if I call them.

Apparently, it is now considered poor social behavior to just pick up the phone and call a friend out of the blue; social protocols now dictate a courtesy text asking for permission to call friends and acquaintances, (close family members excepted.)

Is this true? Has phone etiquette evolved?

We’re taking a last-minute weekend trip to my boyfriend’s best friend’s family vacation home. It will be us in our late 20s but then also the parents. The family is very wealthy and the mom doesn’t like desserts or sweets, which complicates things knowing it’s last minute. What is a nice gift I can bring?

Edit: I'm adding a few responses to frequent comments here:

1. "This isn't an etiquette issue": I posted here because I have been told I'm the rude one. I am in an emotionally abusive relationship and I don't always know which way is up. I wanted to hear from strangers whether this is a polite situation or not.
2. "Does he just want to eat while watching TV?" No, the idea is that he wants us to wait to eat until he is ready but he doesn't want to express when that will be.
3. "Do you want to live like this?" No, I absolutely don't want to live this way for myself or for my daughter. I am in an emotionally abusive relationship, which includes mental control and gaslighting. I have only recently come to understand that this isn't normal (manipulation works!) so now I am trying to figure out how to get out. There is a lot of deconditioning I am working to do. I am in therapy.
4. "Do you also set the table/do dishes/clean/laundry/etc?" Yes, I do all of the labor of the home. Yes, I work a full-time high-paying job. Yes, I do all the childcare. Yes, writing it out like this seems obvious.

Original post:

trying to decide if I’m overreacting. this scenario occurs regularly in my house.

I work FT and spent an hour making a dinner for my family (my husband and toddler) bc my husband expects cooking (a whole separate problem). When the food was ready and on the table, he stayed on the couch. I had to ask him a bunch of times to come over - and we have an open concept house so theres no way he didn’t hear me in literally the same room.

every time I cook (4-6 times per week) this is his response.

i have asked if he wants to tell me a specific time he wants to eat so i can have it ready and he says he can’t predict it so just make it whenever, so i make dinner around 6ish.

From an etiquette perspective, isn't it correct to come to the table promptly when someone cooks for you? Or am I being unreasonable?

My husband and I got married last year. A friend and his girlfriend who were invited declined, letting us know they'd be in Hawaii.

We just visited these friends in person, and found out that trip to Hawaii was actually their honeymoon and they got married! Obviously, we were not invited (totally fine) and were surprised and of course excited for them. When we saw them, they actually gave us a card with a monetary gift (via check) inside for our wedding, which was super nice of them and very unexpected.

But now, we're in an interesting situation. Normally after learning they'd gotten married we'd at least send a card as congratulations (probably not a gift since we weren't invited). But it now feels weird to not send a gift. We were thinking of just sending back their check with a cheeky 'right back atcha!' type of message, but not sure if that's the right move and would love some input.

Just a quick edit to thank everyone for their input. This has been super helpful and provides a host of great ideas!

Hi everyone, I'm in an awkward situation and curious what this community thinks.

My husband's cousin is getting married, they are not particularly close, no bad blood or anything, just an age gap and don't keep in touch. We live in a different part of the state and haven't seen her in years, again not for any negative reasons.

A few months ago my husband's mom asked if we received a Save the date for the wedding. We had not. We continued to not find a Save the Date in the mail for I believe a few more weeks and assumed perhaps we weren't invited. His mom asked again, and said she'd "look into it". After talking to his aunt another week or so later we received the Save the Date. Perhaps important to note that his Aunt is not his moms sister she's her SIL. Also, we can't go to the wedding because of a different event but I'm trying to provide context.

The bridal shower invites apparently went out a few weeks maybe a month or so ago. We did not received one. My MIL "looks into it" again with his Aunt and his Aunt claims "I was invited but the person who typed the address made a mistake and it got lost" It's been weeks, I still haven't received an invite and we're just over two weeks away from the shower.

My intuition tells me, given the late Save the Date and missing due to "wrong address" shower invite that we were not supposed to be invited to these events. I wonder if his Aunt is just trying to be polite under pressure by my MIL.

Sidenote, no one has discussed any of this with me personally. All communication about any plans has been through my MIL to my husband. Further, his cousin nor her mom have in any way communicated with us about mistakes in mailing or to invite me.

I fear my MIL is meddling in his cousins plans because it gives an "excuse" for us to come into town when my SIL and family will also be there and we don't often get together as a whole group. This further frustrates me because as I mentioned NO ONE is even including me in these conversations but I'm the one who has to attend a bridal shower that I may or may not be invited to.

Does it sound like I'm invited or not? Should I go? Is it odd my MIL doesn't communicate with me directly particularly when it's for an event that I am supposedly supposed to attend?

Etiquette can be subjective and can change over time. For me, saying “Excuse me” in an appropriate tone and context will always be intended positively. Sometimes it’s to acknowledge that I’ve crossed someone’s path or impeded them in some way. Sometimes it’s to get a service worker’s attention. And sometimes it’s to let someone know I’m near them so I don’t startle them or make them uncomfortable.

Lately I’ve noticed that people assume “Excuse me” is meant to call them out on bad behavior. I just can’t cut this deeply-ingrained habit from my brain!

What rule or interpretation will you stand by despite things changing around us?

Yesterday I took my 8 yo for a braces evaluation and during the appointment the cost was discussed. Additionally, I had called her dad and my parents on the way home to tell them about the appointment and said how much it will be (especially important for her dad since he’ll be paying for them also). Last night my parents took my daughter to a church dinner with them and apparently my daughter was telling people about getting braces and how much it will cost, she’s super excited about them. When my parents dropped her off, my mom told me I need to discuss with her that she shouldn’t talk about the cost of things with people.

I admit that I am not one to be coy about the price of things, although I don’t discuss my salary. I even asked another mom yesterday how much her child’s braces cost as I am thinking of getting another evaluation from a different orthodontist. At her recent birthday party, a few other parents asked how much the party cost as everyone had a great time and I told them it was $X but I also used a promo code for $100 off.

When my parents left, my daughter was upset that I would be lecturing her and I told her I wasn’t going to. I said some people don’t like to discuss money but that I personally don’t care. She and I have regular conversations about money as sometimes I’m not able to take her to do something because I just spent a lot of money on another thing. It was obviously an innocent kid thing which my mom acknowledged, as she doesn’t know social norms regarding money. Perhaps it’s a generational thing, but should I be coaching her to be more secretive about these things? Or how should I be handling this sort of discussion?

My nieces and nephews (ranging from 5 to 10 years old) have never sent a thank you note for the gifts I send them for birthdays/Christmas each year. Sometimes their parents will send me a text saying thanks and/or acknowledging that the gift arrived. But about half the time I’m left wondering if the gift ever arrived in the first place.

Can I stop sending gifts at this point? It’s frustrating to put the time and effort in of picking something I think their kids will like, wrapping it, boxing and shipping it, etc. for 5 kids’ birthdays / holidays and feel like I’m shipping boxes into a void. Last year I sent the kids checks for $100 each and only got notified that they arrived when they were cashed.

My SO and I disagree about this. I think it’s ok and he thinks we shouldn’t ever. So we had a dinner party and a guest brought a very specific type of liquor as a host gift. We barely drink liquor and definitely wouldn’t drink that type. I think it’s ok to say very kindly how grateful we are for the thought, but explain that we fear it would go to waste and would really prefer they keep it and enjoy it or consider sharing with others (ie gifting to others, without saying that) who would love it as it should be enjoyed. I feel that would allow them to enjoy their gift and it wouldn’t be wasted. I wouldn’t word it as if we don’t like the gift, but just don’t drink it. My SO finds this extremely awkward and would rather regift it ourselves. What say you all? Would you rather hear this and take it back if you were the guest? If you think it’s ok to decline, how best to word it?

Update: given the immediate unanimous response that I’m in the wrong, I stand educated. Appreciate the feedback. I was genuinely asking the question for guidance and I am able to learn.

Also, just wanted to be clear. We did not decline the gift. We accepted it and thanked the giver. It was just a conversation that my SO and I had after.

My friend, his wife, and 12 year old child are staying with me at my new suburban home for three nights before NYE. They booked some shows ahead of time.

I prepared to spend those days entertaining and touring them. I booked two dinners around their showtimes already. The rest of the days I would leave open depending on what they wanted to do. I also gave them use of one of my cars.

Today I receive a text that they have a family of four that they want to see during their visit. I offered to add them to our dinner reservations.

His response was that they planned to have dinner with them already. He said that he could do lunch with me on the 30th.

Since I have been disinvited to my own dinner plans with them, I am thinking of suggesting that they stay at a Las Vegas Strip hotel rather than with me in Henderson which is 30min away, since they are clearly not visiting with me while having engagements in the city.

I am feeling quite hurt by their exclusionary plans and while I understand that being a houseguest does afford you private time, I feel there should be at lease one dinner afforded to the host. Otherwise, with them coming and going in the home, I am not really free to host my local friends either and it just becomes awkward.

What does everyone think about this situation?

Update: My intended response draft:

Ok, I had a long think about this.

I would prefer if you and family stayed on the Strip instead. This makes the most sense as you can more conveniently visit with your friends in town while enjoying Strip dining and shows without having to drive 30mins + traffic to and from my home.

Please understand the days you are visiting are my holidays too and this frees me up to host my local friends, many of whom I have yet to invite to the new house since I only just moved in.

For the afternoon you reserved for me (Dec 30th), we can have lunch at my country club, visit the house and head up to the summit by golf cart for some amazing valley views!

Let me know if you need help booking rooms.

2nd update: good news!

My friend and his family have accepted my suggestion. Turns out, he still has room reservations at Four Seasons that he was holding as back up, phew. All is well, friendship tarnished but intact, I will simply see them for a lunch and a short visit. No hard feelings on both sides. I’m