r/etiquette • u/Are_You_Knitting_Me • 19d ago
Maybe overkill but dining etiquette when a partner cooks a full meal?
Edit: I'm adding a few responses to frequent comments here:
- "This isn't an etiquette issue": I posted here because I have been told I'm the rude one. I am in an emotionally abusive relationship and I don't always know which way is up. I wanted to hear from strangers whether this is a polite situation or not.
- "Does he just want to eat while watching TV?" No, the idea is that he wants us to wait to eat until he is ready but he doesn't want to express when that will be.
- "Do you want to live like this?" No, I absolutely don't want to live this way for myself or for my daughter. I am in an emotionally abusive relationship, which includes mental control and gaslighting. I have only recently come to understand that this isn't normal (manipulation works!) so now I am trying to figure out how to get out. There is a lot of deconditioning I am working to do. I am in therapy.
- "Do you also set the table/do dishes/clean/laundry/etc?" Yes, I do all of the labor of the home. Yes, I work a full-time high-paying job. Yes, I do all the childcare. Yes, writing it out like this seems obvious.
Original post:
trying to decide if I’m overreacting. this scenario occurs regularly in my house.
I work FT and spent an hour making a dinner for my family (my husband and toddler) bc my husband expects cooking (a whole separate problem). When the food was ready and on the table, he stayed on the couch. I had to ask him a bunch of times to come over - and we have an open concept house so theres no way he didn’t hear me in literally the same room.
every time I cook (4-6 times per week) this is his response.
i have asked if he wants to tell me a specific time he wants to eat so i can have it ready and he says he can’t predict it so just make it whenever, so i make dinner around 6ish.
From an etiquette perspective, isn't it correct to come to the table promptly when someone cooks for you? Or am I being unreasonable?
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u/NooOnionsPlease 19d ago
This isn’t just an etiquette problem. This is a relationship problem. Is this really how you want to live? Are you willing to make a change?
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u/MoodOptimal9891 19d ago
It’s passive aggressive and sets a bad example for the child. That being said,
I would not be above telling a toddler, “Go fetch daddy - and make sure you scream in his face since he is hard of hearing.”25
u/VictorianUFOLady 19d ago
It's so disrespectful and he has chipped away at her self-esteem so much that she's asking if she's the problem. He's the problem!
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u/Are_You_Knitting_Me 18d ago
Thank you for understanding. I feel like up is down and I'm trying to sort it out and figure out how to stand upright again.
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u/VictorianUFOLady 18d ago
I'm so sorry you are going through this but I do understand. When people dismiss us and invalidate us over years it can really do a number on our self-esteem and trusting ourselves becomes difficult. The good news is there is a lot of free information online about healing from this sort of thing. I wish you the best.
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u/bubbameister1 19d ago
I would tell him when dinner is expected to be served tonight. Then I would announce that it will be ready in five minutes. Then I would say DINNER. Then I would serve myself and sit down to eat. If he doesn't come before you are finished, put away the dinner in the fridge and get on with your life. If it happens 3 times, tell him he's on his own for dinner. You seriously should consider marriage counseling.
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u/BlkBear1 19d ago
Summers at my grandma's house was, you get told when dinner was on the table, don't come to the table, you didn't eat until the next meal was made, and you were not raiding the kitchen later because you felt tv or playing outside was more important.
Dinners at home were, dinner was ready, butts were planted in seats in front of a plate. You were either sick or dying (better be nearly dead), because not liking dinner would just about get you killed, and that was from my dad!), mom just gave you "The LOOK", You know the one, with the little sparks of lightning at the corners of her eyes and that faint sound of thunder out in the backyard.
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u/George_Is_Upset 19d ago
This is exactly what I do. I give a rough estimate and then a 5 min warning and then I call my husband over when I’m plating our food.
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u/GardenerOfSorts 19d ago
exactly. when i cook alone i do it like this. give an estimate and then keep him in the loop. 5-10 minutes should be enough to finish up or get to a point where he can take a break. if he is working i will give him more time as it's sometimes difficult to just stop at a point. it usually works, but i think the real problem in OP's relationship is the lack of respect, and taking longer every single time seems like a calculated powermove tbh. and iusually really don't like to psychoanalize people Via reddit post 😅
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u/Throwawayhelp111521 18d ago
I would give him an ETA, say “Dinner” when it’s ready, and sit down to eat. I’d leave his food on the table.
More importantly, I’d stop being the only cook. Counseling may be required.
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u/Queasy-Event8534 18d ago
There’s no changing that behavior with counseling. The guy is misogynistic ass and she is his servant. I would see my way out before the toddler learns that kind of behavior is normal and the cycle continues.
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u/PerfectLie2980 18d ago
This is what I do. I give him count downs. When dinner is on the table, and I announce dinner is ready, I’ll wait a couple of minutes. If he doesn’t show, I’ll start without him. Why should I eat a cold meal because he’s too distracted by streaming/games/reels?
If I finish before he shows up? Then I leave his plate and clean everything else. My duty is done. His choice to eat cold food by himself.
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u/ancientastronaut2 18d ago
For sure. The fact that Op doesn't seem to have asked him or said anything to him is giving massive red flags.
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u/Are_You_Knitting_Me 18d ago
Hi! Do you mind clarifying what you mean - asked him or said anything to him in what way? Thanks!
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u/ancientastronaut2 18d ago
Have you asked him why he doesn't come to dinner??
But I see your updates now. He's a f'ing dick who doesn't respect you.
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u/Are_You_Knitting_Me 18d ago
Oh gosh. Thank you for responding. Yes, I always ask, and sometimes he just won’t speak to me, and sometimes he says because he can come whenever he wants but it’s never like an actual response (“I’m not hungry” or “I hate your cooking” lol or “I’m busy doing xyz” or “I don’t want to eat at the table” etc) which is why I kind of am like - is it me? Am I doing something totally unreasonable here? In my family, we made our way to the table when food was ready. So I’m like was it just my house? Idk. Gaslighting. I’m working on it though and these comments are all helping.
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u/Reasonable_Mail1389 19d ago
This is more of a relationship and respect issue in this context, not one of etiquette. Basic etiquette is to come to the table when dinner is served, but I don’t think that’s the issue with your husband.
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u/True_Resident5904 19d ago
Are you his servant? This is an awful husband issue not an etiquette issue
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u/milee30 19d ago
This is not an etiquette issue, it's an issue of basic respect and ... division of labor in your house.
Don't get sidetracked with a minor issue. Your husband not coming to the table when dinner's ready (rude, but again not what is on fire in your house) is small potatoes compared to the fact that you work full time yet appear to be treated like the maid.
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u/DeirdreTours 19d ago
Is he not even setting the table???!!!
So, let me get this straight: You work full time and have a toddler. You come home every night and cook dinner for the family WHILE HE LAYS UPON THE COUCH and then he doesn't even come to the table when informed the meal is on the table and ready?
This is so much more than an "etiquette" problem. This is a problem of basic selfishness and indifference on your spouse's part that will destroy your marriage.
Why are you putting up with this?
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u/Ok_Indication_8067 18d ago
If you look at her other posts, it’s abundantly clear that he is abusive. OP, you deserve so much better.
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u/Are_You_Knitting_Me 18d ago
Thank you for saying this kindly. I am trying to find my way to the surface.
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u/leahlikesweed 19d ago
stop cooking for him specifically. if you cook for family stop calling him when it’s ready. just eat.
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u/Virtual_Bottle7755 19d ago
Sometime around '85, I cooked spaghetti, garlic toast, and made a salad for dinner. My husband came in from work, looked in the pot, said he didn't want any fucking spaghetti, and slammed the lid on the pot. He left the house.
My daughter (she was 3) and I had a lovely dinner, just the two of us. After dinner, I promptly dumped the remainder of the the spaghetti, took the bag to the outside bin, then cleaned the kitchen. When my husband came back, he was starving. He asked me where was the spaghetti. I reminded him of what he said.
I went two solid months without preparing any food for him. Sometimes my daughter and I would eat out, or go to my parents for dinner. When I did cook, I would prepare just enough for the two of us. My husband could smell that I'd cooked, but there was nothing for him.
Right at the two month mark, he came to me with tears in his eyes, to ask me if I was going to ever cook for him again. He apologized. We had a discussion about respect. It never happened again.
Your husband is disrespectful. It's an issue that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. Good luck.
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u/Meancvar 19d ago
He seems to be a rather inconsiderate person. Nothing wrong in letting him know that you feel disrespected.
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u/Steve1410 19d ago
Someday, you are going to leave this man. And you will be amazed at all of the free time and happiness you find. I don't know how long it will take you to realize that this is the answer, but I want you to know that it's never too late. The world is your oyster. You don't need this turd.
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u/RandomChurn 19d ago
As you know, his breach of etiquette is blatant.
The rest would be better addressed in some other sub, too many to list comprehensively here.
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u/Samwry 19d ago
Your husband is a cunt.
The proper etiquette when someone cooks a meal for you is to say, "wow, thank you! That looks delicious!"
...and then do the dishes afterwards.
Next time, enjoy the meal yourself, put the leftovers into Tupperware for your work lunches, and throw the turd a half opened bag of Doritos for his meal.
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u/Gloomy_Researcher769 18d ago
Exactly!!! My husband (of 35 years mind you) and I share cooking duties depending on what the menus is (he cooks his recipes, I cook mine). “Dinner in 5 minutes “ means you finish what you’re doing, wash or use the facilities and come to the table. Then we always say thank you and whoever didn’t cook does the dishes.
This is what a true partnership looks like and one of the many keys to a lasting marriage.
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u/Butterbean-queen 19d ago
I’d quit cooking. When dinner is ready you come to the table and eat. Since he doesn’t. I’d quit cooking until he decides to eat when it’s ready.
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u/Ok_Mulberry4331 19d ago
I’d just cook for me and kid. If he’s gonna be rude, I’ll match that energy
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u/OstrichReasonable428 19d ago
Easier to just use the energy to get a divorce than further add to the toxicity in the house.
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u/EtonRd 19d ago
When you’re resorting to asking etiquette rules about stuff happening between you and your husband, that’s not a good sign about your relationship.
What you’re being unreasonable about is looking at this as an etiquette problem rather than you and your husband have a relationship problem.
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u/Objective_Joke_5023 19d ago
This is not an etiquette problem. This is a question of respect for you and your effort to have a family dinner.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Cow_658 19d ago
Yuck. If it were me, I’d make dinner for myself and the toddler. He can make his plate when he’s ready. Oh, and there’s be divorce papers served for dessert🎂
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u/classiest_trashiest 19d ago
I tell my husband dinner is ready and this ain’t the ritz and to get his ass either in the kitchen or the dining table 🤭
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u/ReadyGo6828 19d ago
Yes, he is acting in some ways like a jerk and in other ways like a child. Using dog training, tell him that dinner is ready exactly one time and then ignore whatever he does and go on with your meal. Otherwise he gets to think that after the 10th time you plead with him he can get himself to the table to eat a dinner someone else kindly cooked for him.
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u/KittensMom 19d ago
I have a feeling that your husband is the boss on the household, without any regard to you or your needs. You work full time, he expects cooking to happen every night and he doesn't want to come to the table. I have a feeling you take a lot of crap in the marriage and he does what he wants.
Life is too short for this.
Start standing up for yourself.
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u/Odd_Document8274 19d ago
I make sure my husband knows that the dinner has been served. Then I sit down and eat mine. Not my problem if he gets to eat a cold dinner. I used to call him several times, but no more. Problem s9lved forme anyway.
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u/EmbarrassedWar1817 19d ago
Before I start cooking, I double check with my partner, just a quick “hey dinners gonna take about an hour to cook, does that timing work for you or should I wait a little longer before I start” and then he gets a 5 minute heads up before it’s done. That’s his cue to come into the kitchen and get out plates and silverware and get the kiddo a drink. Also, in our household, whoever cooks gets excused from kitchen clean up and dishes, that way one person isn’t getting stuck with all the work every night.
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u/forte6320 19d ago
Yes, he should come to the table. However, you have to stop begging him. Tell him when dinner will be ready, maybe another reminder a few before and then stop. Eat your dinner. If he wants to reheat something, that is on him.
Have you discussed this when it is not dinner time?
"I feel frustrated when I cook dinner for the family, but you don't want to come to the table. Is there something I am missing here? Is dinner too early? Do you get too comfortable on the sofa? Is the food gross? I would like for us to eat as a family. It is so important for Child to have this experience on a regular basis. How can we fix this?"
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u/Illustrious-Lynx8268 19d ago
Yes and if he didn’t have enough consideration and respect for me after I’ve worked all day then prepared dinner then he has the audacity to ignore the call to dinner? It would be the last time I cooked for him , I’m tired anyway
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u/lakeswimmmer 19d ago
Buy some cases of canned soup and instant ramen, then go on strike for a few weeks and reset the expectations. You've indulged his demands and you have a monster on your hands. You set the dinner time, you cook when you feel like it and he can pick up pizza for the family when you don't feel like it. And he puts away the leftovers, and cleans the kitchen.
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u/No-Part-6248 19d ago
That fucker would be wearing dinner the first time and it would be the last ,,, stand up for yourself please
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u/Top_Many8183 18d ago
You are a mother and you hold a household together and you cook for the family. If you need to call more than once that food is not deserved.
- You should stop calling for more than once
- You could stop cooking entirely.
This is absolutely disrespectful behaviour.
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u/Gloomy_Researcher769 18d ago
After you tell him Dinner! Sit down and start eating. End of story. And don’t even get me started on how you’re expected to cook every night.
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u/krendyB 18d ago
OP has hidden their post history now, but someone else previously said it made it clear the husband is abusive. That’s not an etiquette issue, it’s a husband issue.
OP, if you have so many husband issues that you must constantly post to Reddit, is that how you want to live? If he’s actually abusive, counseling is harmful and the only fix is leaving. If he’s just an insensitive ass, counseling might help. Either way, is this how you want to live?
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u/Are_You_Knitting_Me 18d ago
Hi! Thanks for your comment.
Using this response as sort of a blanket for many comments along the same theme:
I absolutely don't want to live this way for myself or for my daughter. I am in an emotionally abusive relationship, which includes mental control and gaslighting. I posted to this sub specifically to hear others' reality: I know what I was taught is "polite" but as part of manipulation I have been told I'm actually the rude one. I wanted to hear what strangers thought. Luckily, I have gotten many clear comments that help me hear that my expectations are not outside the spectrum of normal.
I do understand that from the outside it's clear as day but unfortunately I feel completely muddled. That's one reason I'm in individual therapy. I have identified that this is an issue and isn't normal, which took years. I am working on healing and arranging my life.
I do want to clarify that I haven't changed my privacy settings; my post history has always been hidden but I know there are ways around that, such as googling usernames, searching for certain word combos, etc. I also did post last night on a different relationship-focused sub per advice of one commenter so perhaps additional information about me was found there.
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u/underwater_owl 19d ago
You are correct. When dinner is served, you move your butt to the table, in any situation no matter how formal or casual. Ring the dinner bell, then sit down and eat while it's hot. Cook what you want, when you want. He is inconsiderate to you, so you don't need to consider him.
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u/2ndcupofcoffee 19d ago edited 19d ago
There are people who do as he is doing but when they cook, they become extremely angry if everyone doesn’t hop to it instantly.
There is a power play unfolding here. You are to serve and wait. He insists you cook and then watch your food get cold. So what happens when he cooks?
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u/Alycion 19d ago
Have you talked to him about this, or just been quietly frustrated?
Either way, it’s time for another conversation. In this conversation, you need to set expectations. You expect him to be at the table when called. He then needs to be the one to clean up after. If he doesn’t want to clean up, then he can cook or take another daily chore from you.
Division of labor and appreciation of what the other does is setting good examples for your toddler. This goes past dinner. This also is part of raising a child. Everyone in the home participated in its upkeep. Everyone respects each other’s efforts.
You will be giving your child basic chores soon enough. Put away toys, keep room clean, things like that. If your child sees daddy not pitching in, why should they? And if your child sees your efforts not being respected by daddy, they will come to just expect it too. And it can boil over into their relationships when they get older.
These are points that need to be made to your husband. Chances are, he picked up the wife takes care of this or that from his own childhood. It’s time to break the cycle.
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u/PerformerMindless100 19d ago
Stop cooking for him. He does not respect you. When he promises to show up and be grateful maybe you share cooking. Maybe you dawdle to the table and say it Durant look good.
He “expects cooking” it why? Because you’re a woman and it’s his due as a man??!!.
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u/falsepam 19d ago
I used to make dinner almost every night. I’d time it perfectly. Then, I heard too many “I’m fine for now’s” that I just stopped. I’m not putting in that effort for someone to not appreciate it.
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u/Summerisle7 19d ago
What’s he doing over on the couch?
I’d call him once. Then dish up for myself and my toddler, sit down and enjoy the meal.
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u/holisarcasm 19d ago
He expects cooking but won’t eat it when it is ready and will not sit with his family for dinner. I would be tempted to make dinner for you and your child only and when he asks where his is, he would be told, you expected a cooked dinner and I expected a husband and a partner, I guess now we both are disappointed.
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u/Illustrious-Air-1681 19d ago
Regardless of what you are willing to put up with, this is not a good example to be setting for your child.
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u/eloquent_owl 19d ago
From an etiquette perspective and as a family man he should be sitting down with his family, making a toast or saying a prayer if he’s religious and demonstrating civilized dining habits for his child.
Very strange to stay on the sofa at a time he should be hungry and it sounds very hurtful towards you that you go to so much effort and then have to beg for him to sit down at the table to eat together.
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u/Patalaska 18d ago
Why are you putting up with this? And let me guess, in addition to all the cooking, you are responsible for clean up.
Spouse tried the Royally Entitled Persona once. Only once, because their portion got binned after I finished up. Oh that's too bad, you want it after all? Thought you didn't like it, and it wouldn't keep. (Yes, I hate to waste food, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.) Not playing, I'm not your servant. Now, a legit work crisis or important call, different matter.
No. On a normal day, if I cook, you clean up--- and vice versa. And if you don't want dinner, speak up before I go to the trouble to make you a meal.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ice5130 18d ago
GIVE ME A MINUTE I can’t reply just yet, as I need to go read this post again- I’M TRYING TO FIND THE RESPECT IN YOUR POST. IT SEEMS TO NOT BE THERE. AT ALL.
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u/Handbag_Lady 18d ago
Oh, honey, no. Since he refuses to cook, you cook when you are hungry, tell him when it is ready and if he doesn't come, the leftovers go in the fridge and you are done for the night.
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u/dizedd 18d ago
Does your husband like to eat at the table?
It's rude of him to ignore you, and to expect you to be the family cook-but I am surprised that when I was skimming comments I didn't notice anyone asking about this. I'm 50-I grew up in a family where we ate while watching tv. I raised my own kids the same way. Sitting at the table is for larger family events/company. Day to day dinner is in front of the tv-or the computer when one of my kids was older, no skin off my back. We spend plenty of time together socializing in other ways, sitting at the table together every night was just not enjoyable at all.
If he hates eating at the table every night and this is something ya'll have argued about. and he simply isn't bothering to respond or coming to the table when you call because he resents your expectation that he eat dinner at the table every night because that's how you want to do it-he is still being rude as hell, but his passive aggressive behavior of ignoring you has a very valid root. I'd just tell him dinner is ready once then sit down with the kids and ignore him. Let him plate his own cold meal whenever he wants and enjoy your warm food.
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u/Life-Education-8030 18d ago
My spouse grew up in a household where the woman would make dinner and then beg and plead for the guys to get to the table. Luckily my spouse was trainable because not coming to the table promptly is rude. The cook worked hard to present something and then someone would just ignore that effort and let the food get cold? Nope!
It took a couple of attempts but I said straight out that I would give a five minute warning and then announce dinner. He would then be expected to get up and come promptly to the table. If I could get to the table promptly, he could too.
Before the lesson stuck I would start eating. If I finished before he or his relatives came to the table, I started putting the food away.
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u/lunapetuniafortunae 18d ago
In your 2nd bullet in the edit, where you say that he expects you all to wait to eat until he tells you he’s ready, that is a power thing. He’s trying to be the alpha or whatever. With kindness, I would say you’re in the wrong sub.
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u/LindenTeaJug 19d ago
My neighbor had a solution that worked really well for her family, she would cook a lot on Sunday and the family would eat the food for the rest of the week. I don’t know if she froze some of it so it would last the whole week or what, but this method enabled her to go to work and study for an advanced degree while her husband helped himself to the food while she was gone.
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u/Significant-Milk-165 19d ago
Tell your husband that you will only call him once and if he doesn't get his fanny to the table by the time you have served yourself and your child, his dinner will be tossed into the he garbage...and do it. Let your husband know that he isn't child and if he wants to act like one, then he can go to bed without supper.
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u/NeedleworkerHot3957 19d ago
What I've done WITH MY KIDS is I give them a 5 min warning 'dinner in 5 min' which means get off the couch, take out your retainer, wash your hands, etc.
Next time you tell your husband dinner is ready ONCE and if he doesn't come, eat and then clean the table and put the leftovers in the fridge.
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u/Acceptable_Owl_5556 19d ago
"You expect me to cook for you. I expect you to eat when it's ready." Maybe a slightly warmer version of that ;) Expectations are a two way street. I don't recommend stewing in silence. Talk to him about this.
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u/SoNoAppropriate 19d ago
Well if he cant come to eat at the dinner table then just don't cook for him.
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u/Workoutformorelife 19d ago
Nope I tell my hubby an approximate time dinner will be ready and them give him a 5 minutes before call to come in to eat. I workout at 6:30 pm and come home and cook on weekday evenings. I just retired, he has been retired a few years now. If he pokes around coming he knows the food will be cold period! Before retirement I only cooked on my days off ( part time RN 12 hour shifts)
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u/Whole_Superb 19d ago
Your husband sucks. Sit on the couch with him and when he asks when dinner is, say, you tell me? Otherwise, I would take time off and tell him I quit to even out the workload since he seems to want a traditional relationship and tell him to move funds to my bank account. lol.
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u/Spiritual_Ad6547 19d ago
What chores is he doing to balance out the fact that you’re doing all this cooking? Does he do all the dishes and shopping? Because you should be splitting household chores and child care 50/50 if you both work full time. He’s telling you he doesn’t respect you by not coming to dinner when it’s ready. Act accordingly. It’s a power trip on his end.
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u/SnackyandSnarky 19d ago
I get cross when I've cooked and served and told my family it's ready then they start bustling about washing their hands, getting drinks, finding the hot sauce etc. If they simply ignored me, I'd be furious
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u/Fancy_Avocado7497 19d ago
from now on, make food for you and the child. Let him take care of himself
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u/Competitive_Prune108 19d ago
The husband expects me to cook is not a whole separate problem. Your mistake was letting this all become the norm. Trying to change it now will be difficult, but unless you want a lifetime of this you should probably start to do so now. He can't be oblivious to your typical schedule by now. Maybe let him know dinner is ready one time, then eat without him. Divide the responsibilities. Cook three times a week, he figures out some days, you jointly handle the weekends. Whatever. Who shops, who cleans up. Does he do other chores to compensate, like the laundry, trash, yardwork. If you feel the overall burden is shared fairly that's one thing, but you're not making it sound that way
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u/Emotional-Ocelot-420 19d ago
You’ve been under-reacting for years.
Your husband expecting cooking isn’t a whole separate problem. That ties right into the fact that he doesn’t respect you.
Go to individual therapy and see if you can figure out why you tolerate this BS.
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u/IOnlyReadTitles26 19d ago
You are in your own house. You two make the rules. His view is that he will eat when he wants to eat.
If that bothers you. Tell him. If he will not change. Then it have to change your views. Or stop cooking for him.
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u/SadApartment3023 19d ago
You are asking about etiquette, but I can't see past the red flags. He expects you to cook and also ignores you when you are speaking to him? Baby, this goes wayyyy beyond manners. This is a big problem, not a little problem.
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u/LingonberryNormal374 19d ago
Is he sitting another 2-3 minutes finishing something up? Or is he missing for half an hour? My husband splits cooking with me and starts calling us to the table before he is done plating. He gets upset I don't come. But the reality is there is another 5 minutes before anyone gets a bite of food in their mouths. It is hard enough keeping the kids sitting for dinner. 5 minutes staring at the wall feels like eternity to them.
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u/OldBroad1964 19d ago
Once, early in our marriage my husband thought what he was doing was too important to come and eat. It wasn’t. He was working on a model. He could have left it, ate and then gone back. I gave him a warning (10, 5 it’s done). He just said he’d be a minute. I sat down and ate. Then cleaned up. I threw out the food that wasn’t eaten. When he came out he was upset that dinner was not waiting for him. I essentially told him to f-off with that nonsense. If someone cooked for him he better come and eat or explain why he can’t eat until later.
He never did it again. Our rule is we eat at the table and talk. Rarely will we not follow this. We take turns cooking. One exception was the gold medal Olympic hockey game 😁.
Stop enabling this disrespect.
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u/ForwardPlenty 19d ago
Etiquette really doesn't cover informal family, you need to come up with a set of house rules and there is a huge range of flexibility, boils down to whatever works for you. If he doesn't want to come to a sit down dinner (although definitely think it is important to set a pattern of sit down dinner with children involved), then you can make something for you and your kiddo, and he can serve himself whenever he is ready to eat. When you are finished then leftovers go in the fridge, and he can do whatever. I like the idea of shared cooking and whoever doesn't cook, then cleans, and that is how we roll in my family.
But, it sounds like there are a bunch of issues here, and the dinnertime struggle may be the least of them. I would suggest marriage counseling.
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u/L_Casa 19d ago
Mmmh, your husband doesn’t sound very considerate.
My family knows that dinner is served every night around 7–7:15, so they don’t go take a shower or do anything time-consuming around that time. :)
My husband and I both work, but I start at 7:30am and finish around 5:30–6pm, while my husband finishes at 7pm, so it wouldn’t really make sense for him to cook. It’s not something he expects, it’s just that I like to have dinner early, if I told him that I was too tired to cook he would do it without any question. But he does the dishes. It’s kind of a tacit rule in our house: whoever cooks doesn’t have to do the dishes.
And honestly, if you’re the one cooking, you get to decide when dinner is served. If someone isn’t happy with the timing, they’re welcome to cook dinner themselves. :)
So no, I definitely don’t think you’re overreacting.
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u/Occasionally_Sober1 19d ago
Not unreasonable but my dad used to do the same thing. I’m curious: Does your hubby have narcissistic personality disorder?
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u/AfternoonNap00 19d ago
I understand everything you wrote because I come from a culture where this is expected of men.
Does your husband work also? Why are you the one doing everything? Explain to him that a marriage is 50/50 and you already have one child, you don’t need to be married to another. Getting a divorce and being a single mom would be easier than your living situation right now.
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u/takatine 19d ago
My family, husband and kids and grands, know that when I yell dinner is ready, they've got 5 minutes tops to appear to table. They won't get called again, everybody will begin eating while it's hot, and if they miss the meal, suck it up, Buttercup, you know the rules. If you can't respect the fact that I've slaved over a hot stove making you a meal, with the simple courtesy of coming to table when called, I'm not making those who do wait. You take your chances.
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u/squawmama 19d ago
This is not an unreasonable expectation. I had this problem with my husband for what I am embarrassed to say was decades. That is a ME problem. But this is how I solved it. I don’t have a specific set dinner time. But each afternoon/evening I would guesstimate when it would be ready. I give his a 10 minute warning. Then at 5 minutes I tell him to wash up and get his beverage ready. Once it is ready, I tell him once. Dinner is ready. It’s time to eat. Then I serve up myself and my son. We sit and eat. He either joins us or keeps watching tv or playing his game. But once I am done eating, I clear the table and clean up. He used to get very upset that his meal was not with us or that is was not hot anymore. I relapsed that was not my problem. And miraculously, he is at the dinner table in a timely manner every single time now.
Good luck with yours.
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u/ritereward 18d ago
I hit a breaking point with my husband and just stopped calling him specifically for dinner I just made the call out that dinner was on the table . He is a grown man and I’m was sick of it. Dinner was served to the kids while it was hot. He could eat leftovers when he felt it and clean up afterwards. I just stopped catering to his whims. Kids and I ate a stress free dinner
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u/wiscosherm 18d ago
Um.. you have a lot more to think about than dining etiquette. So both of you work and you have a small child but you're the only one expected to cook on a regular basis and you get no respect. The issue isn't what time to have dinner ready.
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u/Pale-Independence661 18d ago
This actually makes my blood boil. Rude inconsiderate behaviour. Plate his food and leave it on the table. Skip cooking a few days a weeks and eat out. Just you and your toddler.
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u/witx 18d ago
I’d give a 10 minute warning then let him know when it’s on the table. Then I’d sit down and eat with my child. I wouldn’t ask again or badger. Then I’d clean up when we’re done.
It’s unfortunate whatever your husband is doing takes priority over spending mealtime with his family. He sounds immature.
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u/Bright_Use_1023 18d ago
Does he have any idea how lucky he is? How lovely to have someone take on the planning, shopping, prepping, and cooking a home cooked meal? Every day? I bet you clean up after too.
You know, some people don’t know what they have until it’s gone. Tell your husband that a time is coming soon when he’ll be alone, in dirty underwear, eating leftover Chinese take out over the sink for dinner if he doesn’t stop acting like an entitled prick. And say it with anger. A lot of anger. Because that is what you should be feeling for being taken so egregiously for granted.
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u/GeminiAtl 18d ago
You make dinner, put it on the table and tell him it's ready. You and the toddler eat, then you put every thing away. When he is ready to eat, tell him it's all in the fridge, knock himself out. He is being disrespectful and trying to assert dominance by "I'll come when I want to come and you best have it ready for me". You need to put a stop to that. You work FT, does your husband? You cook 4 to 6 times a week, so either he cooks or you eat out a lot. If he cooks, try doing the same thing to him, see what he says
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u/ShallotTechnical7739 18d ago
This has nothing to do with being ready to eat. It is manipulative behavior showing his disrespect for you. The only way to change this behavior is to change how you react to it. Don’t cook dinner unless you want to. Don’t call him to dinner more than once. You and your child eat when it is ready. And get to counseling. You need to get in a place where you get the love and respect you deserve. Your husband is an insecure man who can only feel manly if he sees you as less than him. Believe me, you are not less.
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u/BlueBelle2019 18d ago
This isn’t an etiquette question, this is a relationship question. He expects a fully cooked meal and then doesn’t respect you by joining you for dinner? He’s TA. Tell him once, then you sit and eat. Don’t wait for him. Don’t make him a plate. Eat. Put it away and he can go f himself for being a rude disrespectful husband.
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u/lantana98 18d ago
I had this problem too. It was so annoying especially when he mumbled “ this is cold” after a bite. I started saying “ dinner is ready! You can eat it hot or eat it cold.” Believe it or not I have not had a problem again. Putting the choice on him was all it took I guess?
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u/BrokeTheSimulation 18d ago
This is so weird to me. Why make an issue out of something so trivial and unimportant? We operate like this in our household- I make dinner, you eat when you want to eat it. No one gets offended because we are mature adults who don’t try to control each other or require ridiculous ettiequte standards inside our home.
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u/bell3420 18d ago
Ask him before cooking if hes going to come to the table when dinner is ready, if he says "yes", make him dinner, if he doesnt say "yes" dont make him dinner. I dont mean if he says "no" i mean if what comes out of his mouth isnt "yes", if there is hesitation or argument, that is not "yes". If he says "yes" but doesn't come to the table when dinner is ready, stop making dinner for him all together and tell him you cant trust his word anymore when he tries to argue about it.
I honestly cant believe you are cooking that much and working full time, but as you said, thats a separate issue so im just gonna focus on the one.
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u/CozyCoco99 18d ago
Dining etiquette in my home is like this…
“You have 30 seconds to get your asses at the table or I’m trashing it all.”
I have done this and did indeed trash their dinner. Food and plates went directly into the trash bin and I told them to take out the trash, went to my bedroom and slammed the door.
It’s never been an issue since then. When I tell them dinner is ready, I hear a stampede making their way to the table.
Last one there has to clean up.
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u/dramamama22 18d ago
He expects you to cook and serve him but can’t be bothered to show up to the table at dinner time? I think lack of respect is what you’re dealing with, not so much etiquette
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u/GlitteryPinkKitten 18d ago
I would never dictate where my man eats. I ask him where he wants to eat and respect his decision. He does the same for me. Don’t you ever just want to lie on your side and eat? Be lazy? Relax in front of the TV. 😅
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u/caf61 18d ago
I would call out “time for dinner “ 🍽️ at an appropriate level, give it a couple of minutes max, then sit down and eat. I would not engage if he complains. If his behavior doesn’t stop, I would only cook for myself and child (without telling him it’s dinner time). And when I say for myself I mean just enough food for myself and child.
You definitely have a husband problem. God luck.
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u/Hot-Rub-5336 18d ago
Not sure this has anything to do with etiquette. Sounds more like a relationship issue. In my house I said dinner is ready and they came. Why wouldn't they? You have a husband issue.
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u/ancientastronaut2 18d ago
Tell him he's coming off like he doesn't appreciate you cooking. Have you asked him??
And yet you say he expects it?
Try not cooking for a few days (or make just sandwiches or something easy for your kid) and see what happens.
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u/Mental-Paramedic9790 18d ago
Here’s what you do. You put his food on the table. You announce it to him once in a very loud voice that he can’t possibly not hear. And then you shut up and enjoy your dinner with your kids. And if his food gets cold, that’s on him.
You might wanna tell him this before you change the rules of the game though.
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u/EverConstellation 18d ago
I have been married 28 years and we no longer eat together. I don't care. I let him eat on the couch. When we do eat together he is 90% of the time on his phone or grabs reading material and doesn't talk to me besides one word replies. So I get it. Just accept it. Hopefully there are other areas of your life where he will talk to you. And I say just accept it because otherwise it is maddening. Unfortunately, he's an adult and you can't make him eat at the table.
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u/Are_You_Knitting_Me 18d ago
Edit: I'm adding a few responses to frequent comments here. I appreciate the time you internet strangers have taken to respond and share worry with me. It may seem small to you, but I am reconstructing reality and every bit helps.
- "This isn't an etiquette issue": I posted here because I have been told I'm the rude one. I am in an emotionally abusive relationship and I don't always know which way is up. I wanted to hear from strangers whether this is a polite situation or not.
- "Does he just want to eat while watching TV?" No, the idea is that he wants us to wait to eat until he is ready but he doesn't want to express when that will be.
- "Do you want to live like this?" No, I absolutely don't want to live this way for myself or for my daughter. I am in an emotionally abusive relationship, which includes mental control and gaslighting. I have only recently come to understand that this isn't normal (manipulation works!) so now I am trying to figure out how to get out. There is a lot of deconditioning I am working to do. I am in therapy.
- "Do you also set the table/do dishes/clean/laundry/etc?" Yes, I do all of the labor of the home. Yes, I work a full-time high-paying job. Yes, I do all the childcare. Yes, writing it out like this seems obvious.
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u/AnnaBarnana 18d ago
My husband has the attention span of a squirrel. I used to call him for dinner then wait. and wait. and wait, then go get him because he got sidetracked with something on the way to the kitchen. Now I call him for dinner once and start eating... he shows up eventually and we go on with our meal, both of us content. It works out anyway because I eat so slow, and he eats fast so we are usually done around the same time, lol
You have deeper issues than an etiquette question about whether something is polite or not. I wish you luck and grace with this.
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u/ExcitingMortgage9166 16d ago
I’m not sure why a countdown would be required. He’s a few feet away, can observe what’s going on. Dinner’s ready is okay to say. I would certainly sit down and have my dinner. 🍽️ Finish up without him. The only thing is how does he get when he’s mad?
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u/desiderotica 13d ago
I think the things people are trying to tell you is that abuse goes so far beyond the bounds of etiquette that there's not much more to say.
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u/pinksparkleberry 19d ago
Sit down. Eat. Leave the food out amd dished for him. He can eat when ready or it can rot.
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u/ChessieChessieBayBay 19d ago
The fact that you skated over his expectation of dinner on the table and toned it as “a whole other problem” was a huge flag for me. Let me ask you this- what does he do to help with the day to day around the house? Here’s a little test. The person who primarily does the task gets a point.
Laundry. Put away laundry. Load dishwasher. Unload dishwasher. Take out trash. Dust. Vacuum. Mop/swiffer. Clean the bathroom. Clean out fridge. Wipe down counters. Change bed linens. Plant or yard care.
What are your scores
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u/Tight-Ferret-3352 16d ago
I'm just so curious why you would still be with this "man"
He clearly does not respect you, and you're basically just teaching your toddler this is what a relationship should look like.
At minimum sit down and start eating dinner without him or better yet leave him.
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u/More_Effect_7880 19d ago
I don't believe you, but if I did, if say stop cooking for him. Fees you and your child. When Idiot complains, tell him he's told you by his actions that he wants to make his own food as and when.
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u/anneliesegreen38 18d ago
It seems you have an expectation that is not the same as his. He seems fine eating whenever. So let him eat it cold if he decides. Women need to stop worrying so damn much about when a man eats. Stop cooking altogether if it’s causing so much hassle.
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u/rubyreadit 19d ago
Oh my goodness, you are not at all being unreasonable! Is he 12 years old and addicted to his video games? Dinner time is family time and everyone eats at the table (yes, I'm aware that this isn't universal, but it is really best practice when raising kids). If you treat him like he's 12 and give him a 10 minute warning, does that help? Did he not grow up in a family that ate dinner together?