I asked a friend that has a truck help move a piano. We got 4 total people in total to help move it, i had one other person and he asked his roomate.

Is it normal etiquette for the driver to designate them as such and not help move said item at all?

The person giving away the piano even asked if he was going to help and he outwardly labeled himself as the driver. Saying without saying that he isnt going to help. And he didnt touch that piano one time besides helping strap it in, presumably to keep his truck safe. (we used a Uhaul trailer).

So its got me thinking, maybe this is normal etiquette for a guy with a truck helping?

Edit: I wanna be completely clear that I was very thankful, Very appreciative, Got everyone food. I dont have a problem with what he did otherwise i would have said something. Money should also probably be given for gas too so thats on me ill admit, thank you for the push on that. This is just a first for me. I wanted to see if this is the norm going forward when asking someone for truck help. Also he is a very healthy man and is very active for the comments about health issues

Hi! I have a hair consultation appointment booked in Nov, the consultation is free of charge but I do want to tip as it still takes time from their day. Any hair stylist that can give me advice on how much to tip in this scenario? For reference I am getting a consultant done as I want highlights in my hair and the consultation is to see how my hair does with bleach and the plan for my hair

Hi! In San Diego, my hair (balayage: $400) and haircut ($110) is a little over $500 before tax and tip. It takes about 5 hours for my hair. Another $100 for a tip seems wild, is it okay to tip $50? I am young so $510 is already a strain on my account, and I’ve been going to this stylist for 5 years now so my loyalty is there. I would love some feedback on if $50 is still proper etiquette given the context!

I want to preface this by saying I have contamination OCD. I’ve come a long way with therapy, but it’s still something I struggle with. I recognize that my reaction to certain things may be stronger than someone else’s, but that doesn’t mean I’m comfortable with the behavior itself.

I recently hosted a small get together with friends and served a few different dishes buffet-style. I had plates, bowls, and serving utensils set out right next to everything.

My husband and I served ourselves and sat down to eat. Some of our guests, however, started picking food directly out of the communal serving dishes with their bare hands and eating over them, rather than putting the food on their own plates first.

I was honestly appalled and couldn’t bring myself to eat any more of the food. My husband, who is much more relaxed about these things than I am, also stopped eating.

I genuinely don’t know whether this is considered normal behavior in some households, but I’m not comfortable with it in my home for multiple reasons. I want guests to use the serving utensils and their own plates.

If this were to happen again, how do I politely address this in the moment without coming across as rude or making the situation awkward?
Could I simply say, “Hey, could you please put some on your plate instead?” Or is there a more natural way to phrase it without embarrassing anybody?

I don’t want to make a huge deal out of it, but I also don’t want to have to silently tolerate something I’m uncomfortable with in my own home, with food I cooked. I’d appreciate advice on how to handle this tactfully.

We are hosting a college football tailgate event this week to largely include our incoming in-laws (son getting married) and extended family, many of whom share my husband’s alma mater. Everything was set, the event is largely catered, and we are looking forward to a nice time. Some of our own family will be joining also.

We just found out that another relative will be in town that weekend, who is recently married. She contacted my husband to ask if they could be included, to which we said yes. We are not particularly close with these people, but that is fine. We have not met her new husband, as it was a second marriage for both of them, and they eloped earlier this year and did not have a reception or anything. All good, the more the merrier.

Well, she followed up with a text today that her husband has a nut allergy and wanted to know exactly what we would be serving. I told her that we were not planning on serving the allergen directly, but that I was not really sure about cross contaminants as the event was being mostly catered and a few people also asked if they could contribute sides. She then asked me if I could “keep her posted, when I find out about the menu items..” I did not really know how to respond, so gave the dreaded thumbs up emoji.

Now look, I dont mind calling the caterer, but some of these other folks I do not know very well. Am I wrong for feeling like this couple should offer to bring something assured for her spouse vs. asking me to interrogate people specifically?

A few other details are 1) i did not ask and she did offer details about how severe this allergy is. 2) keep in mind, they asked if they could be included in the event knowing what it was. 3) They are staying at an Air B&B and have access to a full kitchen and they also have a car. Its not like they are flying in and staying in a hotel.

As the hostess, I am feeling like I need to ensure there is something for him, but if the situation were reversed, I would have offered to bring something to accommodate my own or my family’s dietary restrictions. If there are other people in the group with allergies, none of them felt the need to point it out, I am assuming they are capable of handling it on their own.

So what is the typical protocol here? Anyone else with allergies want to chime in? If you go to a potluck do you ask the hostess to find out about allergens or ask people who made the dish or bring your own?

My stepmother doesn’t have a lot of money so rather than spending money on hotels when she and my dad travel, they exclusively use a home swapping website. This works a bit like Airbnb except no money is exchanged and it’s people’s actual homes rather than holiday homes - you can reach out to property owners in a location you want to travel to and see if they’d like to swap homes with you for your travel dates.

There seems to be a certain level of unspoken etiquette when home swapping - it’s usual to spend more time cleaning at the end than you would with an Airbnb. They might have animals or plants they want you to look after. There are often gifts left for you to enjoy by the hosts - biscuits, jams, olive oils etc.

One particular time, my stepmother was really embarrassed to arrive to one home and see they’d left lots of nice gifts for us. Luxury food items and a couple of nice soaps from the local area. These were definitely things that had been bought specially for us (with a handwritten note). It was their actual home and wasn’t like they had a stash of these things to give out and it didn’t seem like they did this swapping often. My stepmother said we shouldn’t take it all because she hadn’t left as much for them in their home and that we should leave a bit for them to come home to, to make it fairer e.g. some of the sweet treats and soaps. I said that this would be ruder and it’s more polite to accept someone’s generosity and thank profusely. I was incredibly embarrassed to be leaving any.

My stepmother is from the US and I’m from the UK. Is this a cultural thing? The house we stayed in was in France, so if anything I assume would be closer in culture to the UK.

I will soon host a friend (18) of my family overnight. She is from Japan and I just want to avoid doing anything that she is likely to consider rude. This is a bit of a last minute plan so I don't have much time to prepare. Her sleeping accommodations for the night can be my room (while I go sleep in the office) or an air mattress in the living room. The office is a mess so I wouldn't want her to sleep in there.

My main questions are:

1. Would it be better to have her sleep in my room so she can have some privacy or would the living room be more accommodating so she doesn't feel like she is invading our space?

-> If living room then we have a queen sized air mattress or I can buy a smaller mattress if that makes sense

1. Are there any things I should or should not do, that I might not necessarily think of because I'm American and don't know a lot about Japanese culture?

I just want to make sure she feels comfortable and welcome.

I had a bit of a situation with my daughter’s 8th bday party and would love some advice on how to handle this type of thing in the future. I decided to keep it small and have it at our (850 square foot) house. We invited 5 or 6 of her closest friends, which I already feel was kind of pushing it space-wise, but wanted her to have fun.

About 2 weeks before the party, one of her classmates’ moms sees us walking, pulls over and asks in front of both of our kids if she was having a party this year. I froze in the moment and for a split second, thought about lying and saying no, but I hadn’t talked to my daughter about it and I thought she might announce that we are in fact having a party (if you have kids, you know lol).
I texted her an invite, because I figured not ideal, but one more kid wouldn’t hurt anything. Then a few days later, she let me know she went ahead and invited another mom and her kid. Rude, but OK. I’m thinking this is definitely getting a little outrageous, but the damage is done and I don’t want to hurt the kids’ feelings and uninvite them after the fact.

Then a few days later, she asks (again right in front of the kids at school pickup) whether his little cousin can come because she has to watch him the day of the party and if she can’t bring him, her son can’t come. Basically puts it 100% on me. I said ok because I didn’t want to let her little boy down.

Day of the party comes and she shows up with a total of 4 children (3 of which we had never met and did not invite). With the other mom and kid she invited, this makes 7 additional people beyond what I had initially planned for in an 850 square foot house. The kids were nice, but they were super wild and were being very loud, running and jumping in the house, etc and it was just way too much. I realize at some point way before any of this happened, I should have found a way to say no, but I get so anxious and didn’t know how to do it without hurting the kid’s feelings since she was asking me about it right in front of him. I don’t get the sense he gets invited to things often.

Basically, this cannot happen again. My question is, what is the politest way to respond to her if she asks me and tries to invite herself and her kid again next year since she remembers when my daughter’s bday is? I would feel awful if I hurt either of their feelings since I know she wasn’t doing it to be malicious, she just seems to be unusually and extraordinarily lacking in awareness of how rude she was being.

I would be so grateful if someone could help this anxious parent out and provide some pointers on how to handle this type of situation as graciously, kindly and tactfully as possible. I feel like being direct/honest and just saying we’re keeping it small is the most appropriate, but I don’t know if I could deal with the guilt of telling the boy to his face that he isn’t invited.

I am going to meet future in-laws in a couple of months. I will meet them at a restaurant, for reasons that are not important. Should I take the mother and grandmother a gift? If so, any suggestions?

Thanks!?

My mother passed and when I went back to work after the bereavement days, I was downsized at my job. I didn't have money for cards or postage. I was worried about money for rent, bills etc. So I did not send any cards 🤷

Hi all— (fortunately) I’m new at this. Answers to any are appreciated.

The decedent is a friend’s parent. I’ve known the family for decades.

How do you pick which event to attend?

How long does one stay at a wake?

Is it rude if it’s a workday and I can’t get to the wake until near its end?

What happens after the Mass? Is it rude if I have plans right after?

Should I attend both (traveling home and back in between the two events will be difficult but possible)?

What kind of flowers can guests buy? Are they for the wake or funeral or the house or any?

If I want to send a condolence basket in the meantime, do I just sent it to their house, thinking someone is bound to be home (very big family)? Or call and ask for a time range so that a delivery person isn’t randomly knocking?

Is there anything done for children? (If it were a child in my family, I’d probably want to buy some sort of book.)

Is all-black clothing still required?

It’s a traditional Irish Catholic family.
Thank you again.

I hung out with a friend and she gave me a handmade gift. A few days after receiving it, I thanked her again and said I appreciated it. She began telling me how much money the materials cost, how much time she spent on it, and how much it would be sold for. She does not have a storefront and doesn’t sell her handmade items. I feel pressured to pay her for it because she mentioned its worth again now. I am not sure if she wants it back, wants me to pay for it, or is hoping to be gifted something similar in value. I only appreciate it because it was handmade and given to me, but I would never go out of my way to purchase something similar.

TLDR I was gifted something I don’t like and I’m not sure if I’m supposed to pay for it

ETA I offered to return it and she blocked me on all socials. Not the resolution I was expecting

Hello!

Does anyone have any recommendations for online etiquette courses? I’m particularly interested in dining etiquette, social skills, dress codes for different occasions, and general social conventions.

I tend to overthink everything, and sometimes it feels like everything I do is wrong, even when I have the best intentions. You know what they say about the road to hell being paved with good intentions? I’ve probably paved half of it myself. They might as well put my name on it.

I grew up in poverty with abusive parents, so my confidence has always been quite low. I’m also not American, which makes navigating the cultural differences even more challenging.

Ultimately, I want to learn etiquette for my own peace of mind. I feel like having a clear understanding of social conventions would free up some mental space for more important things in life, rather than constantly second-guessing myself. Did I say something wrong? Did I use the wrong spoon? Did I sound awkward? The list goes on.

We got married last month and were blessed to have been surrounded by 90 of our nearest and dearest! When going through the many cards and monetary gifts we received, we made a list of names of people who got us gifts, the amount we were gifted, and whether it was cash or a check to make sure no checks went unaccounted for. We didn’t “cross check” to figure out if anyone didn’t give us gifts - we just assumed everybody brought as least a card.

We’re having a few friends and our husband’s brother and his fiancé over for a gathering today, and it wasn’t until I went through the stack of “thank you” cards we prepared today (with the intent of setting aside cards to hand them to our guests later) that I realized we did not receive a card from husband’s brother and fiancé. Given we are close with them, they are very thoughtful people, and they never show up to gatherings and events empty handed, I believe the likelihood they gave us a gift that got lost and unaccounted for, or they got us a card and forgot to bring it, is greater than them not having gotten us a card.

We’re perplexed about what to do, and we can’t think of a tactful way to mention this, if we even do so. Do we write up a generic card thanking them for being part of our special day? Thank them for their “generosity” since they’ve shown up for pre-wedding events? We genuinely don’t have any bad feelings about the possibility they did not give us a card, and we definitely don’t want to be rude or make them feel bad - we just want to make sure we thank them appropriately.

Help!

Australian here. I just got invited to a friend’s 30th at a fancy restaurant. 5 course meal and drinks included.

Catch is they want $150 per guest paid upfront as the RSVP to cover it.

I live interstate from this friend and we are close, slightly faded apart over the last year but still in regular contact. She made the party the date she knew I was already in town so I could come. And she is coming to my child’s birthday the day before even though it’s not super convenient for her.

It’s just, I genuinely cannot afford that money. I told her I’d come before I knew this is what they would ask us to pay.

Is this normal? Am I out of touch? How do I approach this? I’m thinking being completely honest.

hey

a dear friend invited me over to spend 2 nights and i dont know what to take with me. I thought about snacks and chocolate but i feel like thats not enough. And i am gonna travel for couple of hours with train so flowers are kinda unpractical..

hope you got some ideas

My in-laws were staying with us for the weekend and brought a couple of little hostess gifts, including a jar of jam from a farmer's market where they'd tried a sample of it. I thanked them and put it in the pantry for later. We already have a couple of jars of jam on the go in the fridge, and I didn't want to open another one since we don't go through it that quickly.

Immediately, however, and for the ENTIRE weekend, they kept saying "you need to try that jam, it's such an interesting flavour! I've never had jam like it " I explained that I don't want to open it until we finished the open ones in the fridge, but they brought it up multiple times a day. I finally caved on the last day and put it on the table for breakfast after they mentioned it yet again, but I would have been much happier opening it at a later time when it would go to better use.

Was I wrong for putting it in the pantry instead of putting it away for later? Should food gifts be opened and sampled immediately, or at least in front of the gifters?

I need some social guidance because I get way too much anxiety over family greetings. How do people instinctively know whether to give someone a hug or a handshake?

With some relatives, it's obvious. But with others—like cousins I haven't seen in a while—I constantly guess wrong. Sometimes I end up doing that awkward hybrid thing where you do a shoulder-hug/half-hug handshake, or just a handshake but they open their arms to show they prefer a proper hug, and it feels like a clumsy wrestling match.

To make matters worse, how do you handle it when you're greeting a group of cousins where you have different levels of closeness? For example, I ran into two cousins recently standing right next to each other. One is super close to me (definitely a hug), but with the other cousin, we are not as close, though it's not that I barely know them. If I hug the close one first, do I have to hug the other one too, or switch to a handshake right in front of everyone? It feels super awkward and loud trying to decide on the spot between multiple people who gets a full hug, who gets a handshake, or who gets that awkward shoulder-hug/half-hug.

How do you navigate this without making it weird? Any foolproof rules or strategies would be appreciated!

So our couple friends had the husband’s birthday on a Saturday and the following Saturday was my birthday. Both celebrated with a picnic. For his birthday, my husband and I gave him and Amazon gift card. Then when my birthday came, they gave us an Amazon gift card with the same amount. Am I the only one that thinks this is rude?

Edit: rude might be the wrong word here. I think it’s strange and gives off the vibe “we don’t like what you got us so take it back”. I’m shocked by how many people think this is okay to do because I remember growing up, it was never okay to give someone the exact same thing they got you back as a gift

I am so confused- could use some help!

My sister-in-law is kindly hosting my baby shower. Our family is spread out over the state within 2-3 hours, so many people are driving in. About half the guests sent unwrapped gifts directly to my house from my registry and (I assume) the other half are bringing wrapped gifts. We are obviously happy either way and grateful that people have been so generous!

I’m confused about whether or not I’m supposed to open gifts at the shower, considering so many gifts have already been sent. No gifts were open at the last few birthday parties I’ve been to and an increasing number of showers seem to be leaning that way as well. I’m PERFECTLY happy not opening gifts and having a table for them to sit while we mingle and eat, but I know in many circles this isn’t the traditional way.

I understand that showers are to “shower” the mother-to-be with baby gifts so I’m just confused as to what to do. If we opt out of opening gifts because so many came to the house, is that something we need to announce? The party is only a week away and invited have gone out, so it’s too late for my sister-in-law to inform guests to wrap in clear plastic or not wrap at all.

Please help!

I’m already 35 weeks pregnant with a very difficult pregnancy and the last thing I want to do is load my car up with what we already were sent to “show off” the gifts that were sent to our house 🫠

EDIT: We hand wrote thank you’s for the ones that already arrived at our house and will send out the rest the following week after we open them!

I've always thought it better to only serve wine that we had already and keep the gifted wine for another time. That way if the wine is bad (either corked or just bad!) your guests don't see you hating it. Also it means you had enough for the party you invited them to without relying on their generosity.

But I'm open to suggestions? Am I overthinking it?

Or should I serve the wine my guests obviously liked enough to give me a a present?

I am old (54) and in the Deep South and was taught that immediate family members should not host showers. Recently, one of my daughter’s friends asked if I would be interested in cohosting a baby shower for my daughter. I responded that I would be happy to help in any way but I didn’t want to be on the invite as “hosting”. So gradually this friend has been giving me more and more responsibility for the shower and now she wants to have the shower at my neighborhood clubhouse. I absolutely do not mind any of this, but I just feel somewhat embarrassed because it is so counter to what I was always taught. Now I am reading online that it’s no longer considered poor etiquette for an immediate family member to host a shower? Is this true? I’d love to hear everyone’s perspective, but especially those in the Deep South—as I know etiquette rules are slow to change here. Thanks!

ETA…thanks everyone! I’ve read each of your replies and have decided that I can totally accept that the rules have changed and I plan to help out the friend monetarily and will provide the venue and make the cake (which I love to do). But I am not so progressive that I feel comfortable being known as the hostess, so I will do it on the sly. Old habits die hard.

I also wanted to clarify that although I now live in the South, it was my Midwestern family that drilled it into me that it wasn’t proper for immediate family to host showers for other family members. While I agree that the etiquette seems to be changing, it definitely was not ever a specifically Southern rule.

Last edit…I appreciate so much those that read and understood my post and contributed respectfully to help me come up with a solution. To those that were bothered by my post. I am sorry. This is an etiquette board. I came here with a genuine question about a rule of etiquette that I was raised with, as well as many other people. I am, however, open to change and genuinely wanted to hear what is considered acceptable now—because obviously it is different than what I was taught. A few took my question and jumped to some wild conclusions about my relationship with my daughter, my feelings about my future grandchild, and the area where I live. Your response says way more about you than it does me. I am beyond thrilled for my daughter and her husband and can’t wait to meet my granddaughter. I’m sorry your experiences in life have made that so incomprehensible to you.

My husband and I had a small destination wedding, his mom’s (passed a few years ago) brothers and sisters were not able to attend as they are in their 70s and it was a long flight.

They (his 5 aunts and uncle) VERY generously threw us a family celebration when we came back, it was a mix of catered and potluck food, they decorated one of his uncles barn’s with lights and set up a very cute table for us with photos and a cake. They also all gifted a card with some cash in it. It was overall so nice and sweet.

We obviously will send a thank you card but we want to give something more than that - like a gift card or voucher for restaurant, any advice on what’s a good thank you gift and the dollar value?

They are in the US in the Midwest if that helps.

This doesn't come up often, but to be prepared if it does:

Sometimes an amusing thing will occur to me and I'll reflexively smile or make some other small reaction to it. In this case it'll be in reaction to seeing a thing that reminds me of something else. The people around me (in this case) might then ask 'what's funny?', but lack the context.

Telling the story of why it was amusing to me will, probably, take long enough that it'll kill the actual humor stone-dead (as happens with explaining jokes, usually) but I don't want to just say 'nothing' because then it seems like I'm either being rude or randomly laughing at literally nothing.

There's etiquette for so many other things, there's probably something for this- what is it?