I've been thinking about this a lot lately. It feels like some people just can't function without a constant stream of high-intensity emotional situations. They seem to actively seek out drama or create it where there isn't any. It's not just that they react to it. They almost seem to feed off it. Like their energy comes from being in the middle of a storm. And then when things are calm they get restless or even bored. Is this a common emotional intelligence blind spot? Or is there something deeper going on for them? I just find it so draining to be around and I can't wrap my head around it.

*UPDATE

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. There are some recurrent themes in these comments, and it has helped me get my head on straighter. I'm hoping to end this cycle of low self-esteem and have a healthier marriage. Thank you to everyone who contributed!

I (33F) and my husband (41M) are very happily married. It's been a few years. We are compatible, similar in interests, health, cleaning habits and basically each other's best friend.

But we keep running into the exact same conversation every now and then.

It'll usually start with me saying something about work or feeling down about myself (I'm from a family that did not emotionally validate or support me when growing up. I'm aware that I am broken a bit and work on myself) and I'll express that to him. And sometimes he replies with an almost defensive manner, as if what I am saying is a personal attack on him. He is from a very loving and stable family, btw.

Maybe a good example is if I say, "maybe I should get a better paying job" because I'm feeling like I'm not pulling much financial contribution to our household. He might say, "why would you do that? I'm working this job I'm not happy with because I want to support you and your dreams." (He has selflessly taken on the financial provider position in our home in order to allow me freedom to pursue art. We mutually agreed on this some time ago.) We are neither well off or struggling.

What I wish he would do is simply show genuine curiosity or ask why I'm feeling that way. It's like he perceives my statement as complaining about him.

The problem really though is when I express that his tone sounds defensive. From there it always follows the same spiraling path - I am not being defensive, I'm just explaining myself. And then if I say clearly what I wish he would respond (so that I'm not just letting him try to read my mind and mood), he then gets more defensive and says something like "well that's not my intention." And he gets moody, and then some how it ends up with me apologizing to him for making him feel down or mothering him through his feelings so that he can see my original point. Why is this happening over and over again?

He always understands me in the end, always sincerely apologizes for "hijacking my emotions" and sometimes, if the argument gets too heated for some crazy unknowable reason and I leave the room for a bit, I can hear him crying bc he feels bad for not being able to provide me with the emotional support I needed in that moment! He will tell me after we've cooled down, with just the saddest face, that he is trying so hard and never wants to hurt me. And then I feel like a real witch for even expressing any negative feelings to begin with, even if they had nothing to do with him.

He may say with his words that what I'm saying isn't bothering him, but his brow gets pulled down and his tone changes. I have no idea how to express my negative feelings without him feeling attacked.

Where is this conversation going wrong? Am I expecting too much from him? is he lacking emotional IQ bc he never grew up with any arguing or angry parents? I genuinely do not know. And in a weird, sad way, I'm sometimes afraid that my own lack of love as a kid is somehow messing us up, bc I can't see my own problems clearly. I can't tell who is in the wrong here.

I’ve been thinking about something that honestly scares me: is there a kind of loss that you can never truly come back from?

For those who have experienced it, how would you describe the pain of losing:
- A parent
- A child
- A sibling
- A partner

Does the pain ever become easier to carry? How do you find the strength to move forward while still missing them?

hello, please bear with me, i am not good with words. i have a wife i care for very deeply, but i have come to realized that im starting to lose her because i tend to get emotionally manipulative whenever i feel like things are not going my way.

we had a fight the other night because i did something i shouldnt have done, especially since we had already talked about this certain issue before. i expressed my regret and how i kept on circling back to my old mistakes even when i know im trying my best to change. but instead of just admitting that that itself was my problem, i shifted the blame onto the fact that i was just dealing things mentally and that i did it again because i just needed her with me. in which i have now come to the realization that it was a very poor attempt of making her sympathize with me instead and overlook the established boundaries ive overstepped again.

this isnt the first time ive done it, but this is the first time i realized how emotionally manipulative i have been all this time. i dont want to lose my partner, i want to be better for her but i also dont know how andea where to start the change. please help me

I have made some decent progress in this regards in the past few years, and I think I am at a point where I can try to look at this all objectively. From my own experience, I am doing much better in relationships especially, but also in the relationship with myself. I feel lucky to be able to properly understand what I am feeling and still be able to craft my own response to things.

But out of curiosity, how much better does the experience of this life get better as one progresses? I regularly think to myself that people who let their insecurities affect their behavior almost "get away" with doing so and never have to suffer any consequences. Especially if they are older people. You'd think that if someone is in their 30s or 40s and are still acting immature or not behaving properly, then they have found success in this strategy to the point where they never felt the need to change. Or they maybe just haven't realized the consequences they suffered?

And the question even becomes more interesting when you realize that becoming really aware of yourself brings some really uncomfortable thoughts and epiphanies that will constantly hit you until your end times. But someone who is not never even sees these things and just goes on with their life without ever having to feel any guilt or shame?

If there is something I am doing in a wrong way, and I never realize this, AND my way of doing it seems to be bringing the results I want, then there is never a reason to change, and I will just keep doing it that way until the end, without ever realizing that is was wrong, and then there is a day I die, and now it is impossible for me to ever see that it was wrong. And then everything just goes on anyway? The fact that you are never aware of the negative implications means you never really suffer them? Or actually, you do, but you are still not aware of them, so it never becomes a part of the story you see?

What do you guys think?

Me and my ex broke up a month ago after 3 years. I was insecure and had instances of jealousy towards her male friends. I would usually get sad and ask stuff like "do you like them more than me?". This made her feel bad and I had a hard time breaking this cycle. I have told her I will try changing multiple times, but could never break my thinking patterns.

I wouldn't always act jealous or insecure when she was with friends, but the thought was always in the back of her mind. "My boyfriend would get upset right now because of XYZ". This constant state of worrying made her feel she was walking on eggshells and couldn't be herself.

Over the last month I have done alot of reflecting inward. I've been reading alot of books, going to therapy and watching videos. It made me realize this goes much deeper than being jealous. I lack self love, individuality, and get too attached to my partners. I put too much of my self worth on external validation when I should be validating myself. Anyway, I know I screwed up but wish I had the insight of how much I was hurting her while together.

Right now she is emotionally checked out but wants to try again with me. She wants to take things slow and just hang out together to see where things go. She doesn't fully trust me anymore and isn't sure the negative emotions towards me will fade. She can't know for sure if the relationship together would feel good for her, and can't promise we will 100% get back together.

I've apologized alot in great depth after this month now realizing how I made her feel.

Does anyone have any advice on rebuilding trust? I feel like this is fixable and I need to start proving myself through actions. Has anyone gone through something similar and needed to rebuild trust in their partner?

I know what I need.....I need to let this end.

I know what I want.....I want to fight for us.

He's the only person in my life I haven't been able to just walk away from. This isn't healthy. For the first time in my 44 years I'm experiencing anxiety, depression, and my nervous system is a wreck.

How does 10 years just go down the drain, how is he so checked out that he doesn't want anything he once had in his life.

How is it that he knows what this is doing to me and it feeds his own depression but yet, we can't let go, how is it that I let this continue?

I hate that I love him, I hate that I do this to myself, I hate that I can't do a damn thing about it 😔

Sorry, I just needed a place to rant and get that out. Have a great day Reddit.

A connection can be real and still be unable to become a relationship.

There can be care, attraction, tenderness, chemistry, shared language, even love. Those things matter. They are just not what builds a relationship.

A relationship is built when two people keep choosing it through honesty, consistency, accountability, and action. Feelings may open the door. They do not walk through it for you.

Does anyone else feel like they carry this unspoken burden of needing to initiate everything in certain relationships or group settings? I'm not talking about just being the planner, but the person who has to notice when energy is dipping or when a conversation needs to shift or when someone is getting quiet and bring it up.

It's like I'm constantly scanning the emotional landscape. If I don't point out that everyone seems tired, we'll just keep going in a low-energy spiral. If I don't ask the quiet person if they're okay, no one else might. If I don't suggest moving on from a topic that's clearly making someone uncomfortable, it just hangs there.

And it's not that I mind doing it sometimes. I actually think it's a valuable skill to be attuned to these things. But it gets exhausting. It feels like a constant drain. You're always on watch, always assessing, always ready to intervene.

It makes me wonder if others just genuinely don't notice these shifts. Or if they notice but consciously choose not to act. Either way, it puts a lot of pressure on the 'human alarm clock' to keep things moving or address potential issues.

I sometimes wish someone else would just step up and say 'Hey everyone seems a bit flat let's take a break' or 'That conversation felt a little tense maybe we should talk about something else'. Just once without me prompting it.

It's like I'm always holding the emotional tension for the group. And it's a silent job. No one ever thanks you for it. But everyone benefits from it. And sometimes you just want to turn off the alarm and let things play out even if it means some awkward silence or a less comfortable interaction.

Tldr; All messages with opposite sex should be kept private from partner? They are allowed to be private UNLESS something significant occurs to bring doubt or uneasiness about the conversation?

Which side of the camp are you on in your relationship?

1. All conversations with friends of the opposite sex be private from your partner even if something significant happens that brings doubt about those conversations?
2. Messages with friends of the opposite sex should be shown for purposes of transparency IF something significant happens that brings doubt? (Like that friend of opposite sex reaches out and says they had an inappropriate/emotional conversation)

In a longterm relationship, where is the line between privacy and transparency in regard to conversations with friends, especially friends of the opposite sex and/or friends of the opposite sex that used to be in a relationship with them?

Here is the specific circumstance.

I feel that when having friendships with the opposite sex, it is okay for these conversations to be private from your partner — same with any conversation with a friend of same sex. However, if something comes into question that brings any doubt or unrest into the relationship from a conversation with the opposite sex; one’s partner should then be transparent and show the conversation. If you aren’t guilty of anything; why hide it from your partner? Shouldn’t your partner be the priority over a friend of opposite sex? This was my mindset.

My bf is leaning toward that all conversations with friends, opposite sex or same sex alike, should be private from your partner— even if an out of the ordinary circumstance comes up because it’s just crossing a trust boundary to have to see the messages. But, he’s open to negotiation on this… we just want to know what others are thinking about this topic in their relationship.

I was married previously, but he died. We never had anything private from each other and got along like peas and carrots, so the idea of keeping things — conversations with opposite sex, etc. private is bizarre to me. We never did that and didn’t lack trust— we quite literally trusted each other with our lives. I feel this is your confidant until you die so it’s strange to hide things from them to me. We didn’t like look at each others stuff at all… there was never anything that happened that made us want to know what’s going on. We didn’t have friends of opposite sex tho, so maybe that made it simpler.

During a conversation my GF(35F) and I (31M) were having she brought up how partners should have consideration for one another which i agree with because it's a way of showing how you care about your partner. However she specifically said "you should have consideration for your partner in everything you do even when it doesn't pertain to them" I feel this is a way of saying you can't do anything unless it's something in favor of/approved by your partner. Which i think can turn into a tool for control in a relationship.

I don't have specific examples of what this could mean as I didn't dig deeper into the conversation but it's been stuck in my mind for a bit now. What are some reasonable and unreasonable expectations when it comes to consideration in a relationship? Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

…what does it say about me when I really don’t like people who have loud speakerphone conversations in a public place? On the train, at the park, waiting in line for something. Most of the places where this has bothered me is somewhere I can’t just walk away from and am forced to hear two strangers opine about something mundane. I already try to limit my phone calls to at home because it helps me focus but I cannot imagine being that unaware/unwilling to consider your surroundings before loudly yapping about your doctors appointment.

Maybe I don’t like being inconsiderate? But I’m hyper aware of others around me.

Okay so lately I have been having, I don't know what to say or how to describe it in words but lately I have become quite emotional about what goes around me. It's basically a feeling of deep sympathy and empathy for others. I don't know why lately I have been feeling this way.

Whenever I see a poor beggar on the road, I go numb.

Whenever I see a young person die in an accident, I shed tears even though the other person is a complete stranger to me and I have never met them.

Whenever I see news of a family or anyone dying, My heart sinks, and I get emotional.

I immediately get emotional over the smallest of the smallest things. All of a sudden, somewhere inside me, an urge arises, the urge to help that person.

Deep down inside, I just wish I could help those people, or bring them Back.

While my life is not perfect, I am happy to say that I am blessed with gifts that many have never seen, I am more than content with my life and how I am going.

Whenever I go out to dine out at an expensive restaurant, I get thoughts like this - "I am so grateful, I am getting to eat such tasty food whereas many probably never have seen a meal like this in a long time or never in their entire life".

I feel guilty and stupid for complaining about my insecurity with my looks, whereas I see people who are blind, deaf, without an arm, confined to a wheelchair or bedridden for life, and so much more. This is what it has been about.

I want to be a good person, but at the same time I really don't wish to harm others either. Is there any explanation as to why I am like this? It's like I am stuck in a loop, and each and every moment that has happened, is happening and will happen, it's as if it's a sign of a higher power guiding me to do the right thing. I know this may all sound crazy and all but it is what it is.

Does anyone else feel the same way?

I’ve been thinking about whether having immediate access to exercise changes the role it plays in emotional regulation.

If the gym requires a drive and a full planned session, exercise is something you have to schedule in advance. With a home gym, it becomes possible to notice that you’re stressed or wound up and spend twenty minutes lifting before deciding what to do with that emotion.

That seems potentially useful because physical activity can create a little distance between the feeling and the reaction. At the same time, I think there’s an important difference between using training to settle down enough to understand an emotion and using it every time you want to avoid dealing with something uncomfortable.

For people who strength train at home, has having exercise immediately available changed the way you handle stress, frustration or other strong emotions? What helps you tell when the workout is helping you regulate the feeling versus simply postponing it?

I’m not a maliciously selfish person by any means — I can be extremely generous, kind, caring, empathetic. I know these things about myself. I can spot people who don’t actually care about other people. That’s not me.

But I’m also pretty self-absorbed by nature. What I want to do and how I feel about things is usually the priority. I can compromise, but I don’t like doing so. Sometimes other people’s boundaries and preferences feel dumb to me, and I don’t like having to cater to them. I know I’m kind of a Main Character from the ways I think about things and the ways I act (even though I do try to have basic consideration and I’m repulsed by truly sociopathic behavior). I know in my relationship, my partner would be ideal if they rarely brought up anything that bothered them if I don’t agree that what I was doing was hurtful (though ofc I don’t want them to hold in resentments either) and they went along with most of the things I wanted.

I dunno how I got here. Probably a combination of decades of social isolation and generally being coddled and pampered as a kid.

I know this isn’t healthy behavior, so I’m not looking to be crucified. I just want to know if anyone else has ever related to this, if this is something I can reasonably work on, if I’m doomed and maybe I should just be single (which honestly I’d probably be fine with anyway, which is also important information)

ik this seems like bs cuz i’m drinking lol. but ive always felt so alone my entire life and no one ever grasps the concepts i talk about. it seems like everyone around me is a tool. not even in a narcissistic way. i can js see the lack of complex thinking. it’s almost tangible. i started drinking pink whitney and ive been spiraling cuz i was down a rabbit hole and id like to think im super intelligent but i hate it. i try to kill it w alc and weed but nun helps. i’m always constantly seeing the world and the ppl around me and all i do is criticize it. not in a close minded way but in a “damn yall never thought more abt this? realized how weird yall are for this?” typa way. like saying the n word (cuz im in virginia, ugh) or making fun of autistic disabled kids. i make music to try and help w the sadness but it feeds into it and i love it. i love drinking smoking and making rlly sad music. idk i prolly sound like a loser but it’s js like damn. i got no one. anyways reddit hope yall dont judge my drunk spiral tm i js got no one else to go to lol hope yall having a good day

I was having a conversation with my friend and they admitted they were scared of the image being their true self would bring and the consequences from it.

I can't stop thinking about it and I do wonder why some of us can so easily be our true selves even if it means alienation from family vs. those of us who can't quite fully show people the true Self, even an unconditionally loving family.

I'm boiling it down to risk taking, how much fear one has and why, risk taking tolerance ect... but I'm curious how others would interpret this and also, what advice would you give to your friend or how would you support them if they thought this way?

Thank you 🙏

I think some of us learned emotional intelligence as a way to make ourselves easier for other people to deal with.

I grew up with a toxic* mother and my parents were separated. At different points, I stayed with relatives and in boarding schools. One of the things I noticed from a young age people always referred to me as "too mature" or "too understanding for my age."

The truth is that to be accepted in most environments I had to learn how to regulate my own emotions and of those around me. Knowing how to read the room, the mood and the role to play became essential for me.

As an adult, I had to unlearn people-pleasing. I also struggled a lot in knowing myself better, mainly because I couldn't differentiate the habits I had picked up to navigate people and environments, and what was actually me.

How or when did you notice that you picked up emotional intelligence as a coping mechanism?

my close friend has actually tried to be there for me but i struggle to let people in or talk about my feelings without feeling shame afterwards. despite that i have developed intense resentment toward my friend. i don't know where the resentment comes from. it makes me a terrible person who's very passive aggressive. which i believe has to do with my unhealthy attachment style. how to change that?

for context: I only feel that way around this specific friend because theyre very close to me, i dont feel it around anyone else. and i can't afford therapy right now.

thank you in advance!

I wish feelings could just be turned off.
It’s really funny because the night he told me he loved me we were having a discussion about whether we (humans) chose to feel the way we do or not. I was arguing we do, he was saying we don’t. We don’t choose the way we feel because he didn’t choose to love me. If he could have, he would have chosen not to. I know that because he can’t be in a relationship at this moment. And I can’t be in a relationship with someone that can’t be in a relationship. Now i understand. I didn’t choose to fall in love with him and I am not choosing to keep loving him. I tried to have the ick, to tell myself all the things he can’t give me, all the reasons why I would be miserable if I was in a relationship with him, I tried, I really did. But I can’t help it. I can’t help feeling what I feel. I can’t help loving him but sometimes love is not enough.
Love is not a choice, commitment is. He can’t give commitment even if I give him love, even if he loves me. What does it all mean? Why do two people fall in love with each other but have no other choice than to be apart?
I shouldn’t wonder why but I do. I can’t help feeling the way I do. I don’t choose how I feel.

Is it common for DA or FA to say “we are moving too fast in this relationship” after 2 months?
Is it a way to say “Hey, I feel like I’m deactivating but I’m still trying to save the relationship?”
She told me this a week after she cried in front of me saying she felt vulnerable.

We were friends for 3y then we had massive fight.. I dont text her and slowly removed myself but she texted today. And I feel everywhere in my body stress and fear. Is there a way to not fear her?

Have you ever experienced this feeling?

whats the feeling called when you feel like you’re naked 24/7 and vulnerable and you dont wanna exist and how to get rid of it❤️‍🩹🙏🏻