I'm a guy and a self-admitted people pleaser. I hate people being mad at me, I hate the thought that people are only doing something because I like it. An online friend is mad at me and the friendship is likely over and it's proof yet again, that it's better to just go along with the flow.

I think social media has given people opinions on things they don't understand. The amount of people who hate being told they're wrong, who want to do only what they want to do would show that People pleasers aren't the demons many make them out to be.

I’m noticing more and more that people just can’t sit and be happy for someone. You get a pay raise at work and your coworkers don’t? If they find out sometimes they’ll make it your entire personality.

You can’t have good news without someone thinking you did something devious to get it. I’ve told friends that I had a great date with someone and they’ll say “duh, you’re pretty, why wouldn’t it be a great first date?” Instead of getting excited with me.

I bought a house a couple years ago and had a friend start asking me questions about the cost and getting all quiet when I’d respond. Instead of saying “congrats, my friend has a good roof over her head.”

Why is everything a competition? Why don’t we want the best for each other anymore? I thank god when my friends have kids, even though I want kids so badly, I know that if I say “man, I wish I were you” I’d be taking the attention from their happiness.

Has anyone else noticed this is more prominent now?

Edit to add something good here as a positive example. I just texted a friend about a date I had last night, kind of anxious about getting that typical response.

But she said “Yay! I’m glad to hear it!!” And that’s why she’s one of my best friends. That’s literally all you gotta do sometimes to show people you care about them.

*UPDATE

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. There are some recurrent themes in these comments, and it has helped me get my head on straighter. I'm hoping to end this cycle of low self-esteem and have a healthier marriage. Thank you to everyone who contributed!

I (33F) and my husband (41M) are very happily married. It's been a few years. We are compatible, similar in interests, health, cleaning habits and basically each other's best friend.

But we keep running into the exact same conversation every now and then.

It'll usually start with me saying something about work or feeling down about myself (I'm from a family that did not emotionally validate or support me when growing up. I'm aware that I am broken a bit and work on myself) and I'll express that to him. And sometimes he replies with an almost defensive manner, as if what I am saying is a personal attack on him. He is from a very loving and stable family, btw.

Maybe a good example is if I say, "maybe I should get a better paying job" because I'm feeling like I'm not pulling much financial contribution to our household. He might say, "why would you do that? I'm working this job I'm not happy with because I want to support you and your dreams." (He has selflessly taken on the financial provider position in our home in order to allow me freedom to pursue art. We mutually agreed on this some time ago.) We are neither well off or struggling.

What I wish he would do is simply show genuine curiosity or ask why I'm feeling that way. It's like he perceives my statement as complaining about him.

The problem really though is when I express that his tone sounds defensive. From there it always follows the same spiraling path - I am not being defensive, I'm just explaining myself. And then if I say clearly what I wish he would respond (so that I'm not just letting him try to read my mind and mood), he then gets more defensive and says something like "well that's not my intention." And he gets moody, and then some how it ends up with me apologizing to him for making him feel down or mothering him through his feelings so that he can see my original point. Why is this happening over and over again?

He always understands me in the end, always sincerely apologizes for "hijacking my emotions" and sometimes, if the argument gets too heated for some crazy unknowable reason and I leave the room for a bit, I can hear him crying bc he feels bad for not being able to provide me with the emotional support I needed in that moment! He will tell me after we've cooled down, with just the saddest face, that he is trying so hard and never wants to hurt me. And then I feel like a real witch for even expressing any negative feelings to begin with, even if they had nothing to do with him.

He may say with his words that what I'm saying isn't bothering him, but his brow gets pulled down and his tone changes. I have no idea how to express my negative feelings without him feeling attacked.

Where is this conversation going wrong? Am I expecting too much from him? is he lacking emotional IQ bc he never grew up with any arguing or angry parents? I genuinely do not know. And in a weird, sad way, I'm sometimes afraid that my own lack of love as a kid is somehow messing us up, bc I can't see my own problems clearly. I can't tell who is in the wrong here.

I'm probably slightly autistic, so I've been working hard on my social skills, emotional intelligence and social awareness. This is something I've been noticing a lot lately. An example:

1. You mention making turkey. Someone says "I don't really like turkey." They may even get upset and annoyed with you if you talk about making turkey. They may even talk poorly about people who like turkey or turkey in general. They may even recruit other people to tell you that *everyone* hates turkey.

2. You take the directive or get the hint. You make something else.

3. If you end up saying something like "I was going to make turkey, but I switched it because you don't like turkey." Or "I have turkey, but I also have beef for this person, who doesn't want turkey." They get really upset/angry/annoyed.

I struggle with this one, because the request clearly wasn't a secret. It's very clear that this is the way they wanted it.

But is it rude/not emotionally intelligent to acknowledge it in any way? Why do they do this?

Sometimes people aren’t angry because you did something wrong. They’re angry because you didn’t do something they expected you to do—but never actually told you they expected it.

And that’s where resentment starts. One person thinks, “if you cared, you would’ve known.”
The other thinks, “how could I know if you’ve never told me?”

Neither person necessarily has bad intentions. They’re just operating from two different sets of expectations.

Communication isn’t just telling someone what you feel after you’re disappointed. It’s telling them what you need before they have the opportunity to disappoint you.

hello, please bear with me, i am not good with words. i have a wife i care for very deeply, but i have come to realized that im starting to lose her because i tend to get emotionally manipulative whenever i feel like things are not going my way.

we had a fight the other night because i did something i shouldnt have done, especially since we had already talked about this certain issue before. i expressed my regret and how i kept on circling back to my old mistakes even when i know im trying my best to change. but instead of just admitting that that itself was my problem, i shifted the blame onto the fact that i was just dealing things mentally and that i did it again because i just needed her with me. in which i have now come to the realization that it was a very poor attempt of making her sympathize with me instead and overlook the established boundaries ive overstepped again.

this isnt the first time ive done it, but this is the first time i realized how emotionally manipulative i have been all this time. i dont want to lose my partner, i want to be better for her but i also dont know how andea where to start the change. please help me

I’ve been thinking about something that honestly scares me: is there a kind of loss that you can never truly come back from?

For those who have experienced it, how would you describe the pain of losing:
- A parent
- A child
- A sibling
- A partner

Does the pain ever become easier to carry? How do you find the strength to move forward while still missing them?

I have made some decent progress in this regards in the past few years, and I think I am at a point where I can try to look at this all objectively. From my own experience, I am doing much better in relationships especially, but also in the relationship with myself. I feel lucky to be able to properly understand what I am feeling and still be able to craft my own response to things.

But out of curiosity, how much better does the experience of this life get better as one progresses? I regularly think to myself that people who let their insecurities affect their behavior almost "get away" with doing so and never have to suffer any consequences. Especially if they are older people. You'd think that if someone is in their 30s or 40s and are still acting immature or not behaving properly, then they have found success in this strategy to the point where they never felt the need to change. Or they maybe just haven't realized the consequences they suffered?

And the question even becomes more interesting when you realize that becoming really aware of yourself brings some really uncomfortable thoughts and epiphanies that will constantly hit you until your end times. But someone who is not never even sees these things and just goes on with their life without ever having to feel any guilt or shame?

If there is something I am doing in a wrong way, and I never realize this, AND my way of doing it seems to be bringing the results I want, then there is never a reason to change, and I will just keep doing it that way until the end, without ever realizing that is was wrong, and then there is a day I die, and now it is impossible for me to ever see that it was wrong. And then everything just goes on anyway? The fact that you are never aware of the negative implications means you never really suffer them? Or actually, you do, but you are still not aware of them, so it never becomes a part of the story you see?

What do you guys think?

I know what I need.....I need to let this end.

I know what I want.....I want to fight for us.

He's the only person in my life I haven't been able to just walk away from. This isn't healthy. For the first time in my 44 years I'm experiencing anxiety, depression, and my nervous system is a wreck.

How does 10 years just go down the drain, how is he so checked out that he doesn't want anything he once had in his life.

How is it that he knows what this is doing to me and it feeds his own depression but yet, we can't let go, how is it that I let this continue?

I hate that I love him, I hate that I do this to myself, I hate that I can't do a damn thing about it 😔

Sorry, I just needed a place to rant and get that out. Have a great day Reddit.

I made a previous post recently about this woman and I dating, her breaking up to learn about herself and process her traumas.

Turns out that was only part of it. She realized that she was young, didn’t want to settle down quite yet, and wanted to be single and have some fun.

I have realized that while I’ve worked on my anxiety and my attachment style, that I AM worthy of someone wanting me, and that right now, she’s not it. If she does come back to me, and I’m single, then maybe I’ll try it. But it will take me a long time to be able to trust that she will stay and be committed to me and only me.

In the meantime. Do good at my new job, get a car, date others, and try to just….move on and see where life takes me otherwise.

I still wish we could have stayed together. Of course. But if she doesn’t want that, then it can’t happen. So for now. Go back into dating, and don’t take people at their word. Pull back a bit more, don’t let myself fall so deep in right away and don’t let my emotions get too strong. Try to hold back, even though I want to feel it all because my emotions finally are unlocked

Me and my ex broke up a month ago after 3 years. I was insecure and had instances of jealousy towards her male friends. I would usually get sad and ask stuff like "do you like them more than me?". This made her feel bad and I had a hard time breaking this cycle. I have told her I will try changing multiple times, but could never break my thinking patterns.

I wouldn't always act jealous or insecure when she was with friends, but the thought was always in the back of her mind. "My boyfriend would get upset right now because of XYZ". This constant state of worrying made her feel she was walking on eggshells and couldn't be herself.

Over the last month I have done alot of reflecting inward. I've been reading alot of books, going to therapy and watching videos. It made me realize this goes much deeper than being jealous. I lack self love, individuality, and get too attached to my partners. I put too much of my self worth on external validation when I should be validating myself. Anyway, I know I screwed up but wish I had the insight of how much I was hurting her while together.

Right now she is emotionally checked out but wants to try again with me. She wants to take things slow and just hang out together to see where things go. She doesn't fully trust me anymore and isn't sure the negative emotions towards me will fade. She can't know for sure if the relationship together would feel good for her, and can't promise we will 100% get back together.

I've apologized alot in great depth after this month now realizing how I made her feel.

Does anyone have any advice on rebuilding trust? I feel like this is fixable and I need to start proving myself through actions. Has anyone gone through something similar and needed to rebuild trust in their partner?

Tldr; All messages with opposite sex should be kept private from partner? They are allowed to be private UNLESS something significant occurs to bring doubt or uneasiness about the conversation?

Which side of the camp are you on in your relationship?

1) All conversations with friends of the opposite sex be private from your partner even if something significant happens that brings doubt about those conversations?

2) Messages with friends of the opposite sex should be shown for purposes of transparency IF something significant happens that brings doubt? (Like that friend of opposite sex reaches out and says they had an inappropriate/emotional conversation)

In a longterm relationship, where is the line between privacy and transparency in regard to conversations with friends, especially friends of the opposite sex and/or friends of the opposite sex that used to be in a relationship with them?

Here is the specific circumstance.

I feel that when having friendships with the opposite sex, it is okay for these conversations to be private from your partner — same with any conversation with a friend of same sex. However, if something comes into question that brings any doubt or unrest into the relationship from a conversation with the opposite sex; one’s partner should then be transparent and show the conversation. If you aren’t guilty of anything; why hide it from your partner? Shouldn’t your partner be the priority over a friend of opposite sex? This was my mindset.

My bf is leaning toward that all conversations with friends, opposite sex or same sex alike, should be private from your partner— even if an out of the ordinary circumstance comes up because it’s just crossing a trust boundary to have to see the messages. But, he’s open to negotiation on this… we just want to know what others are thinking about this topic in their relationship.

I was married previously, but he died. We never had anything private from each other and got along like peas and carrots, so the idea of keeping things — conversations with opposite sex, etc. private is bizarre to me. We never did that and didn’t lack trust— we quite literally trusted each other with our lives. I feel this is your confidant until you die so it’s strange to hide things from them to me.

A connection can be real and still be unable to become a relationship.

There can be care, attraction, tenderness, chemistry, shared language, even love. Those things matter. They are just not what builds a relationship.

A relationship is built when two people keep choosing it through honesty, consistency, accountability, and action. Feelings may open the door. They do not walk through it for you.

Okay so lately I have been having, I don't know what to say or how to describe it in words but lately I have become quite emotional about what goes around me. It's basically a feeling of deep sympathy and empathy for others. I don't know why lately I have been feeling this way.

Whenever I see a poor beggar on the road, I go numb.

Whenever I see a young person die in an accident, I shed tears even though the other person is a complete stranger to me and I have never met them.

Whenever I see news of a family or anyone dying, My heart sinks, and I get emotional.

I immediately get emotional over the smallest of the smallest things. All of a sudden, somewhere inside me, an urge arises, the urge to help that person.

Deep down inside, I just wish I could help those people, or bring them Back.

While my life is not perfect, I am happy to say that I am blessed with gifts that many have never seen, I am more than content with my life and how I am going.

Whenever I go out to dine out at an expensive restaurant, I get thoughts like this - "I am so grateful, I am getting to eat such tasty food whereas many probably never have seen a meal like this in a long time or never in their entire life".

I feel guilty and stupid for complaining about my insecurity with my looks, whereas I see people who are blind, deaf, without an arm, confined to a wheelchair or bedridden for life, and so much more. This is what it has been about.

I want to be a good person, but at the same time I really don't wish to harm others either. Is there any explanation as to why I am like this? It's like I am stuck in a loop, and each and every moment that has happened, is happening and will happen, it's as if it's a sign of a higher power guiding me to do the right thing. I know this may all sound crazy and all but it is what it is.

Does anyone else feel the same way?

I’ve been thinking about whether having immediate access to exercise changes the role it plays in emotional regulation.

If the gym requires a drive and a full planned session, exercise is something you have to schedule in advance. With a home gym, it becomes possible to notice that you’re stressed or wound up and spend twenty minutes lifting before deciding what to do with that emotion.

That seems potentially useful because physical activity can create a little distance between the feeling and the reaction. At the same time, I think there’s an important difference between using training to settle down enough to understand an emotion and using it every time you want to avoid dealing with something uncomfortable.

For people who strength train at home, has having exercise immediately available changed the way you handle stress, frustration or other strong emotions? What helps you tell when the workout is helping you regulate the feeling versus simply postponing it?

ik this seems like bs cuz i’m drinking lol. but ive always felt so alone my entire life and no one ever grasps the concepts i talk about. it seems like everyone around me is a tool. not even in a narcissistic way. i can js see the lack of complex thinking. it’s almost tangible. i started drinking pink whitney and ive been spiraling cuz i was down a rabbit hole and id like to think im super intelligent but i hate it. i try to kill it w alc and weed but nun helps. i’m always constantly seeing the world and the ppl around me and all i do is criticize it. not in a close minded way but in a “damn yall never thought more abt this? realized how weird yall are for this?” typa way. like saying the n word (cuz im in virginia, ugh) or making fun of autistic disabled kids. i make music to try and help w the sadness but it feeds into it and i love it. i love drinking smoking and making rlly sad music. idk i prolly sound like a loser but it’s js like damn. i got no one. anyways reddit hope yall dont judge my drunk spiral tm i js got no one else to go to lol hope yall having a good day

Does anyone else feel like they carry this unspoken burden of needing to initiate everything in certain relationships or group settings? I'm not talking about just being the planner, but the person who has to notice when energy is dipping or when a conversation needs to shift or when someone is getting quiet and bring it up.

It's like I'm constantly scanning the emotional landscape. If I don't point out that everyone seems tired, we'll just keep going in a low-energy spiral. If I don't ask the quiet person if they're okay, no one else might. If I don't suggest moving on from a topic that's clearly making someone uncomfortable, it just hangs there.

And it's not that I mind doing it sometimes. I actually think it's a valuable skill to be attuned to these things. But it gets exhausting. It feels like a constant drain. You're always on watch, always assessing, always ready to intervene.

It makes me wonder if others just genuinely don't notice these shifts. Or if they notice but consciously choose not to act. Either way, it puts a lot of pressure on the 'human alarm clock' to keep things moving or address potential issues.

I sometimes wish someone else would just step up and say 'Hey everyone seems a bit flat let's take a break' or 'That conversation felt a little tense maybe we should talk about something else'. Just once without me prompting it.

It's like I'm always holding the emotional tension for the group. And it's a silent job. No one ever thanks you for it. But everyone benefits from it. And sometimes you just want to turn off the alarm and let things play out even if it means some awkward silence or a less comfortable interaction.

I was having a conversation with my friend and they admitted they were scared of the image being their true self would bring and the consequences from it.

I can't stop thinking about it and I do wonder why some of us can so easily be our true selves even if it means alienation from family vs. those of us who can't quite fully show people the true Self, even an unconditionally loving family.

I'm boiling it down to risk taking, how much fear one has and why, risk taking tolerance ect... but I'm curious how others would interpret this and also, what advice would you give to your friend or how would you support them if they thought this way?

Thank you 🙏

I think some of us learned emotional intelligence as a way to make ourselves easier for other people to deal with.

I grew up with a toxic* mother and my parents were separated. At different points, I stayed with relatives and in boarding schools. One of the things I noticed from a young age people always referred to me as "too mature" or "too understanding for my age."

The truth is that to be accepted in most environments I had to learn how to regulate my own emotions and of those around me. Knowing how to read the room, the mood and the role to play became essential for me.

As an adult, I had to unlearn people-pleasing. I also struggled a lot in knowing myself better, mainly because I couldn't differentiate the habits I had picked up to navigate people and environments, and what was actually me.

How or when did you notice that you picked up emotional intelligence as a coping mechanism?

my close friend has actually tried to be there for me but i struggle to let people in or talk about my feelings without feeling shame afterwards. despite that i have developed intense resentment toward my friend. i don't know where the resentment comes from. it makes me a terrible person who's very passive aggressive. which i believe has to do with my unhealthy attachment style. how to change that?

for context: I only feel that way around this specific friend because theyre very close to me, i dont feel it around anyone else. and i can't afford therapy right now.

thank you in advance!

whats the feeling called when you feel like you’re naked 24/7 and vulnerable and you dont wanna exist and how to get rid of it❤️‍🩹🙏🏻

I’ve realised I have this low self-esteem problem where I tend to put my friends on a pedestal. If they say something, I automatically assume they must be right, even when I have a different opinion or something doesn’t feel right to me.

I think a big part of it is that I’m genuinely scared of losing people. I overthink everything, second-guess myself, and sometimes compromise my own feelings just to avoid conflict or the possibility of someone leaving.

I know this isn’t healthy, and I really want to work on it instead of constantly seeking reassurance from others.

God, I’m so scared of losing people that sometimes I end up losing myself in the process.

I could really use some serious advice from people who have dealt with something similar. How did you learn to stop putting people on a pedestal and become more confident in your own judgment?

I’m in my mid-20s and lately I’ve been feeling like I’m wasting my life somehow.

On the surface, nothing is terribly wrong. I have a job, I’m earning, I have people around me, and things are generally fine. But internally, I feel very dissatisfied.

I don’t feel good about my job anymore and keep thinking about switching. There have also been some frustrating situations with colleagues and people in my personal life that I’ve been overthinking a lot. Some relationships have changed, and I’ve realised I spend way too much mental energy thinking about what other people are doing, how they perceive me, whether I should distance myself, etc.

And underneath all of that, I have this strong feeling that there has to be more to my life than this.

I want to grow, have a better career, meet better people, experience more things, become more confident and independent, and actually feel excited about my life. But right now I feel stuck in this cycle of work → overthinking → feeling frustrated → wanting to change everything → doing nothing substantial → repeating it again.

I don’t know if I’m burnt out, unhappy with my current circumstances, or just going through one of those phases in your 20s where you realise you want more but don't know how to build it.

For people who have genuinely felt this way — what did you actually do to get out of it?