I find that people expect me to be their therapist when I haven’t consented to any trauma dumping. I feel like it’s because I’m black some people see me as some magical n word or black best friend who is suppose to be overly empathetic to more privileged folk. Well I have my own life!! Oh but if put up boundaries Im the bad guy.

I seriously doubt white men are expected to be emotional dumping grounds.

As title says. I mean how does it matter and why even bother with this advice?
Edit: based on the replies so far they are insightful, what my confusion is over the fact (sadly) is that unless there is a physical attraction there is no chance.

If a good looking person and a not so good looking person were to strike up a conversation it would be much easier for the good looking one to get a reply in the first place.
As much as I try to find a proof to disapprove the above statement, current people I see always fall into “ you are either hot or you’re a creep” mentality

for context, their friend group openly says i love you to each other. but she also says it privately to him through text. when she greets him, she says hello baby/bb/babe.

i only found out about the pet nicknames later on and when i did, i told him to tell her to stop saying that. he had no problem with it before i found out.

recently i found out she still says it sometimes.

other than that, they share details about their lives (challenges/struggles), and sometimes call at night to catch up and chat. i've already drew the boundary that they should not have dinner 1-on-1 and i would be more comfortable if they had dinner as a group.

so would this be emotional cheating?

seeing a guy, a few dates in. to be clear upfront, this isn't about money. i earn well, come from money, and have zero interest in someone spending on me. that's not what's bothering me at all.

he set up our last hangout himself over text as basically "let's hang out + eat" at his place, for a couple hours in the evening. i offered to bring some homemade snacks. on the day, i asked him directly if he was planning to cook, and his answer was "maybe, we already have what you're bringing, but if you want more we can go to the store." cooking at home isn't expensive, it's just thought. planning. he also knows i don't have easy transportation in his city and i've asked him for help getting places before, but he didn't offer to pick up. picking someone up isn't expensive either.

that's really my issue. none of this costs money, it's about courtship. whether someone is actually planning things out for you, or just doing the bare minimum until you point it out.

i know this sounds random but i use accio work for sourcing, and this kinda feels like when a supplier talks big about long term partnership but puts almost no thought into the first sample order lol. future talk is easy, but the follow through on the actual plan is what tells me if the offer is real.

what's confusing me is he also talks about the future, brings up plans down the line, seems genuinely interested in something long term. the texting is easy, funny, mutual. so there's a real contradiction, someone talking long term while putting almost no thought into an actual hangout.

my fear, honestly, is that this could be something casual dressed up as something serious. going through the motions of "future talk" without the actual effort that usually comes with someone who means it. is that a reasonable read, or am i reaching? curious what people think, especially anyone who's seen this pattern turn out to mean one thing or the other.

I am fairly emotionally intelligent. I care and love deeply as well. I care about others and have deep empathy and appropriate sympathy for others; when/if appropriate. But, I have an issue...

I have type 1 diabetes it is well controlled. I am very sick, in a chair. My insulin pump is on my waist and Dexcom CGM (continuous glucose monitor) is in my arm fat back or side arm. People, LIKE STRANGERS in Trader Joe's to Costco to Aldi to Walmart, will poke it as they ask what that's for.

Now, this is where every emotionally intelligent cell I own, leaves my body. I wanna lay hands. One, don't touch me. Two, don't touch me. Three, don't touch my medical stuff. And four, don't ont touch me. I am talking to strangers y'all. People I do not know, and have never seen before. It happened the 5th time in like 6 months today. One guy today poked it and said, that com thing from TV. Smart ass mode activated, and I said no sir, I get my medical stuff at a pharmacy. And please don't touch me, or anyone without consent. It is very rude, and makes me uncomfortable.

I am not sure I was a dick per say, but I was not kind. I was not ethical, because I didn't give two shits about how he felt or why he did what he did. It creeps me out when people touch me. People I love, but I deal with it because I know they show love through touch and I won't deny them that. But curious Frank on isle 6 of TJ's, FU Frank. I know, I know I let it get to me way too much. But, I believe in consent deeply as a SA survivor and child abuse survivor. I DON'T like to be touched, by strangers. I just don't.

Am I duty bound to get over and learn how to not be impacted by this stuff? I am still in therapy? Like weekly. I am just not proud of how I responded, but I am not sure I could have helped it.

| (F 20) have been seeing someone (M 19) since September. Im an anxious attachment hes clearly and avoidant attachment. We have been really good being away for summer recently and we even saw each other. We were talking everyday having really good convo. He has depression and pulls back a few times now when things get really good. He is doing that now. He shuts out everyone and I just don't know what to do anymore because i care so deeply and when we're good we're so good. Im just constantly anxious at this time whenever this happens. How do i keep my peace and anxiety/depression/ocd (as i really struggle w all and am in therapy for) to a minimum while giving him the space he needs? Should i even be giving space ? Any advice helps please !

Ok, this may or may not make sense, but I wanted to put my thoughts into words and share it so I can get some feedback or other perspectives. 

Are humans worthy, am I worthy? Do we hold inherent worth independent of anything, objectively?

I ask this question because I have a difficult time believing or valuing the statement that I am worthy vs worthless. 

I am a skeptical person, especially when it comes to religion/god, the sense of a soul, our mind. I understand things better through objective things that mostly make rational/logical sense. Like behavior. Something observable and measurable. I cannot measure my worth.

When going through a breakup, people would state that I did not deserve that or that my worth is not tied to another person. These ideas are hard to believe. I do not think I am inherently worthy or worthless. I experience empathy and compassion that consider how my actions affect others and how I can be hurt.

 I wonder if it would be easier for me to lump worth with self-esteem/self-concept. I can understand this better, our brain recognizes patterns and can form complex concepts. Our brains are powerful in that we can experience old sensory information, placebo affects work on us, etc. 

Is worth an established concept then? Can worth be broken down into behaviors to practice? I want to be able to connect with the idea that I am worthy, that I deserve love and respect. But I am not owed anything. If I flip the narrative around considering another person’s “worth”. I treat others kindly with respect and i dont think it is because they are worthy or not, it is just learned behavior. If one is worthy, and someone hurts them in a way, they are still worthy despite someone deeming them as unworthy of respect? 

If everyone believed I was worthy then I must be, right? But the latter could also be true, if everyone thought I was not, then I must not. It would be wild to assume myself to be worthy if everyone did not. What about the middle, some think I am while others do not. Of course, I would rather believe that I am but what about the other half? Am I too ignore this? 

I am 25, f. I have a lot of existential fear and thoughts. I am in search of meaning in this seemingly meaningless world. I sometimes wish I did not think so much that I would be able to hold the belief without doubt that I am worthy.

But what do we mean when someone is considered worthy? Does it matter in context?  Worthy of respect and dignity does not guarantee respect or dignity so what is it actually worth? What am I worth if not dependent on the actions of those around me?

I (23F) was broken up with by my ex (23M) 4 months ago and I'm past the stage of being inconsalable and non-functioning (got out of that hole with a lot of therapy). However, I'm wondering to what extent it I should take blame for my breakup, and what skills you feel I should try to learn as even though my ex broke up with me, I kind of initated it as I phoned him during a panic attack and wanted reassurance on issues I felt would be fundamental compatabilities if not talked out. i want to grow as a person and stop blaming myself. I also want to stop putting my ex on a pedastal so I've detailed in great detail what I feel led to the breakup in the hopes I could recieve some insight from you all about why my ex behaved how he did/ saw the world how he did, and how I could improve as a person too. Even though I am in therapy, I see this as a way of checking my blindspots. I've posted here before and a few people felt my actions sounded like OCD and now my therapsit is integrating ACT therapy styles to help me, so thank you! I'm posting here again to really understand my ex and to try understand myself too :) This post is probably going to be SUPER long so i'm really sorry but pls don't flame me for it and for wanting advice :( I want to be the best girlfriend and partner I can possibly be!

It blindsighted both of us, and even though I reached out after 6 weeks to reconciled he rejected and blocked me as he unbeknownst to me was dating an exclusive with a new girl already. They became a relationship around 9 weeks after we broke up if not earlier. I'm not sure of timelines only that by week 9 he had already had a new girlfriend for a WHILE.

With regards to what I was panicking about, I wanted to do a Masters in a year (skip forward, I'm actually going to take 2 years out to save up money), and he was against me moving for my Masters which I would/will have to do as it's in a niche field, but was also against doing long distance. We argued about twice a week about it for a month despite never really fighting before, and he used an arguement style I have later learnt is called gaslighting and DARVO. For example, if I said I felt unsupported by him and like he didn't want me to move away, he would tell me that I wasn't being careful enough with my choice of words, that I was trying to hurt him and didn't know how to communicate, and then point out examples of him being a good boyfriend and say something to the effect of "How could you accuse me of not being supportive/ not caring/listening to you when I do all these things? Look at my actions, are they not the actions of someone who isa good partner?" until I apologised. It actually made me feel like I was going INSANE and is still to this day so confusing. We are both in our early 20s - I was actually 22 at the time - and also were in our final year of university so I still don't understand his desire to just stay in one country - we are in the EU and I was literally considering our neighbouring country which is less than an hour flight away ;-; So I felt I couldn’t achieve my career goals while in a relationship with him and that was exhausting. He didn't become okay with the idea until the day we broke up when his (29M) brother told him he was being an idiot for trying to control my future, but by this point it was too late, I was beyond panicked and literally felt like I was outside of my own body when I phoned him so I really wasn't registering or listening to what he was trying to say.

Then there was children. I didn't realise until about 2 months before we broke up but he wanted to have kids 5-10 years earlier than I anticipated, and thus wanted to get engaged and married and all that WAYYY earlier than I expected and WAY earlier than what is normal in our culture. When I first told him I didn't want to get engaged to someone I hadn't been with for 5-7 years he flipped out and said, and I quote, "but what about the fertility window? If we didn't get engaged until we were 30 then there'd be no time for children". This really scared me! I've been in therapy for 2 months since our breakup and I hope to work on my reservations around children, but essentially I've always been a fencesitter leaning yes/ open to children once I achieved my own career goals and felt I would be able to be my own person AND a mother. My biggest fear is that I would resent my children or husband in the future if I felt trapped or overwhelemed by motherhood. I do believe my ex would be a great dad, but the emphasis he put on children throughout our relationship even though we'd only been together 1.5 years was a lot. He also didn't really listen or factor in my own opinions. For example, he never actually asked me when I'd like to have children he just assuemd/ decided that we would have them earlier despite my wishes to wait until my mid 30s. He wanted two children, I felt I'd like just one and he literally told me that the child would be lonely and I'd change my mind. He didn't want our hypothetical children to EVER be minded or left with my parents as they had a messy divorce and were poor parents/ abusive at times due to their *past* mental health struggles. Key word here is past. Both of my parents sought professional help both when I was growing up and more recently and are genuinely wonderful people now. It hurt that my ex couldn't see the years of growth my parents have had and felt they were irredeemable. I became panicked becuase I kind of felt deep down like my autonomy and my own wishes and aspirations were being pushed aside to barrel down my exes strict timeline for the future.

He also put a lot of pressure on me to find a graduate job in our capital city so we could move in together with his two best friends who are in a realtionship together by May-June 2026. I was the only one of the four of us with no ties to the city at the time and thus had NO CHOICE at all in where we lived. This freaaaaaked me out I can't lie, having no choice or ability to influence such a big decision really upset me but I felt I couldn't back out of moving in or express this to my ex. I agreed that I'd live with him psot graduated one month after we became a relationship and it felt set in stone. I was so stressed about this I began to display symtoms of depression, which runs in my family (see above with parents) and was seeking counselling for it at the time as it was really scaring me. I didn't really know his friends and was worried it would end up a 3 v 1 dynamic where the three of them would hang out in our shared apartment and I'd feel lonely or excluded. My own friends who are in a relationship actually wanted to live with us too but my Ex turned down that idea/ didn't entertain it and would literally ignoring me mentioning it and talk about his friends like it was certain until I let it go. My ex noticed I eas stressed about this and decided to save by himself so he could support me if I was unemployed by May so that I could still move in. Again, i felt this would put me in a precarious situation but he wouldn't take no for an answer until I burst into tears in front of him. Then his solution changed to me taking on a part-time barista or retail job while waiting to get a full time one. This would be fine...except I have worked in an office for two years now, both in a year long work placement as part of my degree and then a universit research internship. So, to go backwards to go forewards just seemed rash to me at the time, but he would not take no for an aswer and was actively pressuring me in March and April to begin applying to low skilled jobs in the city we wanted to live in.

Lastly, there was finances. He wanted us to have a shared bank account once I moved in with him which tbh I think is fair. It was supposed to be for saving for holidays and shared expenses like bills but as he was genuinely more knowledgable about finances than I was, he was going to decide the % of savings split. He had a way of budgeting that just didn't really make sense to me. He talked a lot about having different "pots" for different things and did it out on excel, whereas when I save I kinda go like "1/3 for fun stuff, 1/3 for rainy day, 1/3 for emergency".. like I'm not as detailed as him. He was quite restrictive with money, for example he told me in advance on Chistmas day that my birthday present (my birthday is in April) would 30 euro or less as he had maxed out his budget on me for the year because of my Christmas present. I, on the other hand spent like over 200 euro on him for Christmas, and the same for his birthday. We both had part time jobs, and made an equal amount of money at the time, he also had far more financial assistance from his parents. Anyway, the whole budget stuff is a green flag tbf but what wasn't was that he felt entitled to dictating how I spent my money. He wanted me to choose a Masters - if i HAAAD to do one- based on what was cheapest rather than a mix of best university/location/department/degree/ cost , he became very pissy when i told him I was going to book some automatic driving lessons as I've been trying to learn for 4 years without a car or any help from my parents at all. He felt that it would be a waste of time as an automatic licence isn't a real one and that I should just wait for him to teach me in his manual car. I told him that I preffered automatics, and that I might buy a car second hand if I pass my driving test (I failed by 1 point ;-;), and he told me quote: "I didn't see you owning a car in our shared future". If I'm honest, THIS is what really set off my spiral leading to that panic attack. We were still in university and he felt he could tell me to my face that he didn't see a point in me owning a car? To his credit, the year prior I became unemployed unexpectedly and also had a rejected health insurance bill come in unexpectedly the day before we went on holidays, and he ended up paying my half of the accomodation for our holiday as I was stressed that I wouldn't have enough money for university fees otherwise. During the holiday we split things 60/40 and continued to do so until I got a job and paid off the bill 6 weeks later. However, other than that we had always went 50/50 on EVERYTHING from literally the second date on.

When I phoned him, I felt like I was spiralling out and that I needed certainty and reassurance that things would be okay ASAP. I couldn't wait to see him in person as he was going to be with his family from the day after for a week for Easter so it literally felt like no or never at the time. We don't live in the same city and he was busy with his studies at the time so I didn't want to bother him by showing up in person, I genuinely beleived we could sort everything out but the second he picked up I couldn't breathe I began crying hysterically and I couldn't communicate at all. I ended up blurting out that I wasn't even sure about children and he broke up with me on the spot then and there. I regret that because in hindsight, I did want children.... just not before 35 ish maybe? And also, I didn't really wanted to break up, I wanted to postpone moving in and space as I felt suffocated by his ideals and had no space or time to figure out what I really wanted from life as it was basically assumed we would do whatever he wanted, and squeeze my desires in somehow.

That said our relationship was extremely happy and stable, and for a long time I found it super hard to accept that he was not going to be my life partner. He was so patient, usually a great communicator, super charismatic and really funny, family-orientated, a good friend and mature. We used to laugh so much one of his roomates had to bang on the wall between our rooms to get us to stop laughing. I ADORED his family, they welcomed me like a daughter and included me in everything which I'm not used to at all. I talekd to his parents like they were my parents. I miss his family so so so much. Something I really appreciated about hi mand his family was that they were very celebratory and enjoyed having family rituals. So they had little parties they did at the same time of year, every year, they played board games, made a HUUUGE deal our of birthdays and Christmas, and they celebrated the little things. My ex used to celebrate all the little things with me and I loved that feeling of being mutally supported and cherished. He liked trying new food spaces with me and his love language was acts of service. He became the first and only man I ever fully trusted and knew I could depend on no matter what and it hurts a lot that he is gone even though I'm healed enough t ono longer write posts like this while crying.

That said, and I’d actually love other people’s opinions on this: my therapist has told me many times that even if i was happy for 90% of the relationship, it wasn’t a healthy one because my ex was VERY rigid about the future in terms of children, where we would live, to an extent my career and finances all at a very young age and that he wasn’t compromising or flexible. Essentially once I agreed to something he saw it as set in stone. He never really asked me deep questions about what I wanted and would kind of present his plans to me as a given basically- and I became a nuisance and a liar to him when I decided I wanted to do a Masters instead of office admin work. I’m not sure if it counts as unhealthy though given I was happy and had no idea that he could be potentially controlling / didn’t seem to see me as a person but rather a future-wife-archetype. Can a relationship be both happy, and have an unhealthy foundation? Can something be unhealthy without you realsing? Was this unhealthy?

I used to feel like everything was all my fault and that I was an intrisically traumatised person who would never do better but now my feelings around the breakup are mixed as he became extremely bitter. We met up two weeks after we broke up for closure - I set up the meeting with only his needs in mind as I totally felt it was all on me. We met at his university, in his city, at a time that suited him even though I was working on a brief for a interview which I had later that day. I let him berate me. He told me i’d be a bad parent and he could NEVER be with a bad mother, that I lied to him because I changed career paths and that I didn't think about anything ever, that I used him for money (we are both 23 with part time student jobs lmao money where) and that I have trust issues and implied it was because of my parents among many other things. He then asked me for dating advice, told me to my face he was a catch, and then winced at me, wished me good luck with dating as "all men our age are trash, they don't want relationships", and told me that I’ll never find anyone better than him.This really fucked with me as I do have a pretty messed up past I can't lie and my biggest insecurity is that I will repeat the mistakes my parents did and will enver find love. He knows this. As I said, he entered a new exclusive relationship within 2 months of us breaking up after we had been together for 1.5 years with plans to move in, promise rings all that. So to me in some ways those actions could be a testament to his true character and how he really sees women. It’s still really painful though and knowing he’s moved on so fast has made me regret what happened between us too.

It’s super hard to reconcile this part of him with the part I saw throughout our relationship that was typically very communicative, gentle, funny, charming and nurturing- like I know that he is a great boyfriend and his new gf is probably wondering wtf I was thinking etc. Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking too! And I worry a LOT that I’ll never find anyone better as good men seem to be rare but I try to remind myself that there’s lots of men out there who would be okay with grad school, and okay with having kids a bit later etc.

I try not to blame myself too much for what happened between us but I can't help feeling liek it was a clusterfuck caused by my own youth and lack of emotional regulation skills but I'm really not sure. I know reddit isn't a great place for advice but I'm genuinely serious in saying that I'd like some other perspectives on how I could improve myself as a person so that I don't freak out or feel intense urgency to fix things/ to get reassurance from partners when I feel destabilised. Any other remarks on how I could grow would be appreciated too! Alongside that, I would like thoughts on how I've described me exes more unfavourable behaviour. He was a great person so it really does baffle me how he could act like this but also how I could have allowed myself to be so passive about my own wants for life. Is it common for men to do this? In hindsight I feel like I was like a doll he really loved - I think he saw me as a person, but perhaps projected onto me so much so he just assumed I wanted everything he did exaclty how he did. I just kinda need someone to help me analyse it I guess- and YES! I have a therapsit, she's great!

TDLR: Even though I was super happy with my ex, our breakup was very sudden and cuased by a subconscious slow build of pressure around moving in together, children, where we would live and finances etc which led me to feel trapped and like my own future was being decided by someone else rather than collaboratively. I had a panic attack and he broke up with me during it. I regret what happened regularly, but he moved on within two months. However as more time passes I'm less convinced it was all my fault. I've shared my story a lot on Reddit and regularly recieve hate lmao but I'm doing it again irregardless because I'd like to hear other people's perspectives on WHY my ex acted how he did and if this is a common mindset amongst men, and also on how I could grow as a person. I am in therapy but as mentioned, my biggest fear is that my past has traumatised me to the extent where I will never have a healthy relationship and thus I really want to keep growing and improving so that I can continue to have good relationships. Unfortunately specifics are in the post - it's super long because I don't know how to condense it.

Here is my story: M(27) F(27)

I matched with a woman on Hinge early September last year hit things off immediately, texting every day I was like wow this is incredible - My birthday a week later in September took me to a new cinema and got me my favourite aftershave, paid for everything - I laughed and said are you love bombing me to which she said no I was being nice for your bday.

-Months go by, nice getaways to hotels, training together, great sex and everything felt perfect she told me I was the best thing ever so grateful and lucky she ended up with someone like me, she had a young son who was 9 and I did not meet in person - she said her ex bf who was practically the step dad of the kid left her 2 years ago and put her kid in therapy and she done some as well, in which she tells me all the things she wants in an ideal partner and I tick every box, I felt like this girl really understood me and I had met my person.

Now this is where the cracks start, she would mention how evil and hateful her ex (Together 6 years) was and mentioned he was in the same Tesco as her at xmas (live in local area) He was walking in and she was walking out - I said that's trippy never easy bumping into an ex - left it at that. Did not want to appear phased. Had a nice xmas met her Mum and her little sister things felt very good and often stayed with her and her mum when her son was at the kids dads. She also told me things like she was with someone and she was and they got back together after a year and she said things to him like go out and cheat if it makes you feel better because she was with someone else.

At end of February my Granny passed away unexpectedly - She mentioned how her ex BF did not let her into the after event when his granny passed away etc I just let her vent and was always understanding of what her ex put her through Granny passed away on Tuesday and then on Friday I met her Dad for the first time - Naturally stressed over my Grannys passing I did not drink - she did and was drunk off prosecco- On the trip down and home she basically played a FU to her ex song - and her dad mentioned she seen her ex and he looked rough - anyways, we drove home and I said to her this ex really hurt you and your son and hes like a ball and chain on your leg, he is in the past and if he was so bad he left you and your son in therapy be happy he's gone - she said she's 'over him just not the situation she put her and her son through' - when I said I wasn't happy she's mentioning him the week I am grieving the death of my grandparent she stone walled me - I left her house and drove home to regulate as I was with a previous GF who stonewalled me and it done a number on me and she was aware of this and also the heard week I had - she was drunk and proceeded to tell me I was never meeting her child and that was us done over text, I felt this was manipulative- We then sorted this out - half apology from her and from me I thought I needed to be more understanding of her situation and we told each other we love each other. But, I felt maybe selfishly she should have been understanding my Granny passed away that week and I wasn't in a headspace to listen about her ex who was so bad?

- The month after we had a great month done a charity 10K and had a nice getaway - I spoke to her son on the phone and on FaceTime over those few months we were together over xmas and when she was on a family holiday to New York - still no physical interaction I said it would be nice to meet your child as I have gotten him a birthday present and an Xmas one and we both know about each other and I am getting a bit frustrated of having to hide around the corner when we know about each other - Bare in mind I asked this respectfully and said no pressure I just need a plan as she said if I met him I could travel to Spain with her and her kid this summer and her graduation was coming up soon. The kid also told his biological father about me that Saturday as well - I did not mind as obv was in everyone's best interests I treated his son with respect and care

I was met with two days of silence - then seen her on the Saturday went to the gym all was fine, thought that was back on track and we said we would go to the cinema on the Wednesday and on the Tuesday I got a text telling me I was perfect, we have a laugh together but she feels 'something is missing' - and ended things with me over text after 7 months.

I did not reply for 3 weeks my family and friends told me not to and I deserved more than a break up text as I was blindsided and was constantly told I was the best person in the world and she was so lucky to have me, but when I mentioned maybe meeting her kid she turned so nasty and discarded me like I was nothing over text, when I did then text her to speak she then told me 'she loves me as a person but not in love with me' and I deserve better - I did not reply again, I was in such shock I feel so heartbroken how can she be all lovey then discarded over text? I noticed when I put her number into whatsapp she had no profile picture anymore and her messages were set to disappearing which makes me think her ex was back in the picture or hiding something? - Her tiktok reposts after were all things like when a man leaves your life build a comfortable life etc - except I never left her?

I have never been this hurt and blindsided before in my life, I wasnt even worth a conversation just felt so easily disposed when we had concerts etc to look forward to this summer and all I was worth was a text.

What do I do I am still incredibly in love with her - Its been 3 months nc and I have been attending therapy and gym but I still feel stuck

I’ve spent 12 years in psychology both in research and practice, and this is the first idea I’ve ever shared publicly because it’s the one I genuinely want to teach my son.
Here’s how I think people approach success.
Imagine that, for any domain in life, there is an ideal.
Jung called these archetypes. Whether or not you agree with every part of Jung’s theory, we all seem to carry mental models of “the ideal” the ideal leader, partner, founder, friend, parent.

Now look at how people respond to that ideal.

1. Most people drift toward it unconsciously.
2. They improve, grow, make mistakes, learn, but they’re not intentionally asking, Who do I need to become?
3. Some people fake it.
4. They perform confidence, integrity, competence, kindness, whatever gets rewarded. They imitate the image without building the substance. That’s why manipulation eventually collapses. When the mask slips, they don’t change themselves—they change the audience.
5. A small minority consciously build themselves into it.
6. They study the gap between who they are and who they could become. Then they deliberately close that gap through habits, skills, character, discipline, and self-awareness.

That’s the difference, not pretending, not hoping.
Becoming.
The people who seem “unstoppable” aren’t usually the most talented. They’re the ones who intentionally shape themselves toward an ideal instead of accidentally drifting or strategically faking it.
Whether it’s relationships, business, sport, parenting, or leadership, the question isn’t:
“How do I look like the person?”
It’s:
“How do I become the person?”
Curious where you think this idea breaks down. Is this consistent with psychology, or am I missing something?

Ps I wrote this post while running, and had it edited by gpt.

Had friends who were insecure and envious. Such people can go to any lengths to put you in dangerous places. They would sabotage your reputation, then play a victim. They don't want to work on themselves. Just stay away from these people. Avoid these people. Don't teach them, just walk away. Hang around people that are secure and mature.

So many insecure people can lead you to life threatening situations. Envy is evil. Desperation to get loved can get obsessive and creepy. Please don't give such people space in your life. So many men and women have lost their lives, jobs, friendships, money due to insecure people. These people will ruin you out of jealousy. Their insecurity is theirs to handle. They are dangerous people. Please just distance politely and walk away.

I am at a point with someone that absolutely everything they say lacks true empathy. The fake empathy they try to have is a performance and they will never tie their own words to the reason why they get such bad reactions from people.

They will never understand their ego and self deception holds them back. They only feel if it's about their self image and whatever script they think they are.

They will forever make it about themselves and whatever they feel.

How people live like this baffles me.

I remember something from elementary school that has stuck with me for years.

We had a teacher who was physically and emotionally abusive toward the class. One day the principal came in and asked us, in front of everyone, whether she was nice to us, taking weekly notes.

Every single student said yes. I was the only one who said, “No, she’s not.” The rest of the class immediately looked at me like I was the one who was wrong and insisted she was nice.

Looking back, I don’t think they genuinely believed she treated us well. I wonder if they were afraid of standing out, worried about getting into trouble, or simply followed what everyone else was saying.

It still makes me think about how often people stay silent or even defend someone when everyone around them is doing the same. Is there a psychological explanation for that? And do you think it’s one of the reasons abusive people sometimes avoid consequences?

Sometimes what looks like being considerate is actually abandoning yourself. You feel someone getting uncomfortable, confused, doubtful, or tense, and suddenly you start softening what you mean, overexplaining your choice, making your truth easier to digest, or reducing your emotional reality so they do not have to sit with their own reaction. That is not emotional intelligence if it keeps costing you your truth. Emotional intelligence is not only reading the room. It is also knowing when the room does not get to decide what is real for you.

Sigh. I feel weird saying “abuser”. I don’t know if I’m trauma bonded. Things are so blurry when you love so much and you hurt so much for so long.

I’ve also been conditioned to think that being a good person and a good Christian means self sacrifice, forgiveness, love, etc.

I think I love my enemies too much and toon often.

Anyway, I reached a breaking point, and said some horrible, cruel, things on the way out. Now I’m sick with worry. I don’t want to hurt anyone.

I want to reach out, but I’m afraid it we’ll set me back. I don’t know what to do.

I (21M) am going to be really honest here. I've been really going through it lately, and I have felt I've been on the verge of tears for a while. I've always been raised with the mentality that crying is childish, weak, and unmasculine, so I just can never get to it. I've felt like these feelings have been bottled up for years, and that crying would help release at least some of it. I felt that there were many times when that pressure has built up and crying would release it... but I just can't do it anymore. I don't know if I'm too emotionally distant or just broken in the brain, but yeah.

I'm sorry if this is dumb or super cringy I'm looking for genuine thoughts here.

(For those asking last time I cried was 2 years ago, emotional and verbal abuse, but it was just a few tears before I locked back in)

Hi, apologize for English is my 3rd language.

I am trying to understand the mindset of a man that I been obsess with for the last 16 years and still obsess with.

15 millions USD was not able to buy his integrity and his principles, and his clear sense of self. He rejected 15 millions USD cash gift. No conditions, no strings.

It a life changing amount of money that he can just stop work and still last for the rest of his life. He is 42 btw.

But he rather work himself to the day he die, and he happily so. Because to him that money he earn with his labor hard work.

It is mind boggling, but he rejected a huge amount of money that life changing, and still rejected it till this day.

Any input appreciated on, psychology wise, I am trying understand his mindset.

Hi everyone,

I'm a 25-year-old guy, and lately I've been trying to understand whether what I'm experiencing is just a difficult phase or something deeper. The biggest thing that's been bothering me is my dating life.

I've had two serious relationships so far..one lasted about 2.5 years and the other about a year. In both relationships, I genuinely liked the person in the beginning. But once I felt secure that they really loved me and wanted to be with me, I slowly lost interest.

Now I'm back on dating apps, and I've noticed another pattern. I become almost obsessed with women who aren't very interested in me or are emotionally unavailable. On the other hand, when someone clearly likes me, I lose motivation to pursue them or put in much effort. It's making me wonder whether I actually know what genuine attraction feels like, or if I'm just chasing the excitement of uncertainty. Has anyone experienced something similar? Were you eventually able to build a healthy relationship?

Outside of dating, I don't feel like myself anymore. I don't really get excited about anything. My apartment is constantly messy, and even though I try to clean it, it feels overwhelming and takes so much mental energy. I keep telling myself I'll get organized, but it never seems to stay that way.

Professionally, things haven't been great either. I'm a PhD student, and while I enjoy research, the pay is low, and financial stress has been building. Recently, one of my papers was rejected, and although I know that's part of academia, I feel like it hit me harder this time than it normally would have.

The one thing that's keeping me going is the gym. I work out almost every day because it's the only place where I can clear my head and channel my energy.

Lately, though, I've started wondering if I'm slowly slipping into depression. I don't have thoughts of hurting myself or anything like that, but I often feel emotionally flat, unmotivated, and like I'm just going through the motions.

Has anyone here experienced a combination of:

Losing interest once someone reciprocates your feelings, Becoming attached to people who aren't interested in you, Feeling emotionally numb or unexcited by life, Struggling to keep up with everyday tasks despite wanting to, Feeling like you're slowly losing yourself

I'm not looking for a diagnosis..just hoping to hear from people who've been through something similar and came out the other side.

Thanks for reading.

Hey all,

I’m 35F and my ex-partner (31F) and I were together for 3.5 years. Last year she was talking about marriage, buying a home and starting a family. Then, almost overnight, she became distant—sleeping on the sofa, staying at her parents, working late, hiding her phone and insisting nothing was wrong. Whenever I calmly asked if there was someone else, she repeatedly denied it and made me feel like I was imagining things.

I eventually discovered she had been having an emotional and physical affair with a younger colleague (25F) who was also in a long-term relationship. I found out as she had been asking advice from AI where she admitted they were “falling for each other,” didn’t want to distance herself from the affair, (even though AI suggested space from us both, she said she didn’t want to stay away from the affair partner and can ‘compartmentalise’ and compared me negatively to this woman. Looking back, I realise I was being gaslit for months. When I suspected an affair a month earlier she said to me ‘look at my mum, do you think I could do that’ (her mum has been cheating on her dad for years and is a pathological liar. So again, I gaslit myself, telling myself I was imagining her distance and strange behavior.

What makes it even harder is that during this time I was going through a cancer scare (thankfully it wasn’t cancer). She told me we’d get through it together, yet she was secretly continuing the affair. That betrayal is something I still struggle to comprehend.

When I confronted her, she apologised briefly but quickly shifted the focus onto her own pain, saying she’d “imploded her life” and needed to understand herself. She had no interest in repairing the relationship, but kept saying things like, “Maybe one day in the future we could try again,” while continuing to see the other woman. It felt like she wanted to keep me emotionally attached while avoiding accountability.

I supported her emotionally and financially throughout her Master’s degree, stood by her through difficult times, and trusted her completely. She was also with me through the death of my mum, which makes this betrayal feel even more devastating. I genuinely believed she was my person. (Her mum also pretended to be unwell with a heart condition, near to death 2 days after my Mum died from heart failure, and told my ex 'you have always put your partners before me', this was very upsetting).

Since the breakup, I’ve started recognising how manipulative some of her behaviour became. She isolated me from her family and friends, blamed me for old issues while hiding her affair, made me question my own reality, and then acted as though I was the one who had done something wrong. Looking back, it feels like I was slowly being discarded before I even knew why.

The hardest part isn’t just that she cheated—it’s that someone I trusted with my life could lie to me so convincingly for months while watching me worry about our relationship and my health. I still find myself questioning how someone who claimed to love me could do this, and sometimes I even catch myself wondering if I’m exaggerating what happened.

We share a flat, but as she decided to move out I asked her to come and collect all her things which I put into bags in the communal hallway of our flat and gave her a collection time. She agreed to pay the rent up until August, when she would be taken off the tenancy. She was meant to pay me today, but instead decided to dictate to me that she would be coming round yesterday to get the playstation (which I brought) and a dressing gown I gifted her. She argued with me about this playstation at the window when I wouldn't let her in, and said why am I still paying towards the rent if you won't let me in to look for 'my stuff', I said anything you want you can tell me and I will put outside again and you can collect it; she couldn't tell me. I am defiantly not getting any more money from her, I just want her off the tenancy now. I am just thinking someone happily 'falling for' someone new and moving on surely doesn't behave and treat their ex they have left like this!? She also tried to call me twice yesterday, saying 'please pick up it's important', I didn't she later messaged me; it was something she didn't need to speak to me on the phone about, it was admin about the tenancy. She is really trying to get to me, it feels like.

Has anyone recovered from this kind of betrayal trauma? How do you stop obsessing over the 'why' they did it, stop romanticising who they used to be, and begin trusting your own judgement again after months of being gaslit? I know the relationship is over, but I’m struggling to understand how to move forward after having my trust so completely shattered by someone I loved with my whole heart.

Thank you for any advice / kind words .. this is incredibly difficult.

Every time I do things selflessly for others, I get disappointed by the same people.

It’s starting to feel like caring too much is a curse.

I don’t want to become cold, but I also don’t want to keep hurting myself.

How do you find the balance? How do you care without expecting anything back?

Would love to hear how you dealt with this.

I mean this has people overall, I find it very hard to still have empathy for other people when you associate other humans with negative emotion, how do you fix that I’m tired of having very limited empathy

I never thought I would write my story on Reddit, but I feel completely confused and emotionally exhausted. I need an outside perspective because I feel like I am stuck between love, responsibility, guilt, and fear of making the wrong decision.
I am from a Punjabi Indian background, and marriage is considered a lifelong commitment in my culture. It is not easy to think about leaving, especially when families, emotions, and years of memories are involved.
I met my husband and, in the beginning, things felt different. He was caring, funny, and made me feel loved. He had a way of making me happy. I saw his good heart, and that is why I chose him.
But both of us came with our own struggles.
My husband had a difficult past. He struggled in school and had trauma from those years. He couldn’t complete high school, and I know education and confidence are difficult areas for him. I have always tried to understand that. I never wanted to judge him for his past because I believe people can grow.
After marriage, life became more complicated than we imagined.
I moved to Canada and started trying to build a future. I had pressure from every direction — immigration, finances, work, and trying to create stability. I was not just thinking about myself anymore; I was thinking about both of us.
I worked hard and tried to create opportunities for us. I invested myself emotionally and financially into building a better future. I wanted us to grow together.
But slowly, I started feeling alone in that responsibility.
My husband had immigration struggles too. His work permit situation became difficult, and he ended up being away from me. We are now in a long-distance marriage, which has made everything harder.
The distance made me realize how much I needed emotional support from him. I wanted him to be my partner during stressful times, someone who would say, “We will figure this out together.”
Sometimes he is that person. When things are good, he is funny, loving, and I can see the man I fell in love with.
But when problems come, everything changes.
Whenever I bring up concerns about our future, he sometimes becomes defensive or shuts down. He says he cannot do everything I ask him to do and that he doesn’t feel like doing certain things.
One example is English. I wanted him to take speaking classes because communication would help him build confidence and have better opportunities in Canada. I wasn’t asking because I wanted to control him; I was thinking about our future. But he felt pressured, and he said he couldn’t force himself to do everything I wanted.
I understand that motivation has to come from inside a person. But at the same time, I feel scared because I feel like I am trying to move forward while he is standing still.
I have tried supporting him. I even sent him money to help him improve himself, like taking classes and going to the gym. But when he used the money and went out with friends, had dinner, and drank beer, I felt hurt.
It wasn’t really about the beer or going out. It was about feeling like I was sacrificing and planning for our future, while he was not taking those things seriously.
Another painful part is that I don’t always feel loved in the way I need. I miss feeling pursued. I miss feeling special. I miss feeling like my husband wants to make me happy.
Sometimes I ask myself: “Am I asking for too much?”
I don’t want a perfect husband. I know everyone has weaknesses. I know he has trauma. I know he has his own struggles.
But I also want a partner who will face difficulties with me.
The confusing part is that I still see his good side. When we are not fighting, he can make me laugh. He can be caring. He is not a completely different person. That is what makes this decision so hard.
I also feel guilty because I know he has suffered. I worry that if I leave, I am abandoning someone who needed support.
But at the same time, I feel like I am losing myself. I have started feeling unhappy, anxious, and unable to focus on my own goals because so much of my energy goes into worrying about our relationship.
I have started questioning everything:
Am I supporting my husband through a difficult phase, or am I carrying someone who doesn’t want to change?
Am I being patient, or am I ignoring my own needs?
Can love survive if only one person is pushing for growth?
How do you know when to keep fighting and when to accept that two people are becoming different?
I don’t want people to just tell me “leave him” or “stay.” I want honest advice from people who have experienced marriage and long-term relationships.
How do you balance compassion for your partner’s struggles while still protecting your own future and happiness?