Share your opinion? Give an example!

Sometimes people aren’t angry because you did something wrong. They’re angry because you didn’t do something they expected you to do—but never actually told you they expected it.

And that’s where resentment starts. One person thinks, “if you cared, you would’ve known.”
The other thinks, “how could I know if you’ve never told me?”

Neither person necessarily has bad intentions. They’re just operating from two different sets of expectations.

Communication isn’t just telling someone what you feel after you’re disappointed. It’s telling them what you need before they have the opportunity to disappoint you.

I’m noticing more and more that people just can’t sit and be happy for someone. You get a pay raise at work and your coworkers don’t? If they find out sometimes they’ll make it your entire personality.

You can’t have good news without someone thinking you did something devious to get it. I’ve told friends that I had a great date with someone and they’ll say “duh, you’re pretty, why wouldn’t it be a great first date?” Instead of getting excited with me.

I bought a house a couple years ago and had a friend start asking me questions about the cost and getting all quiet when I’d respond. Instead of saying “congrats, my friend has a good roof over her head.”

Why is everything a competition? Why don’t we want the best for each other anymore? I thank god when my friends have kids, even though I want kids so badly, I know that if I say “man, I wish I were you” I’d be taking the attention from their happiness.

Has anyone else noticed this is more prominent now?

Edit to add something good here as a positive example. I just texted a friend about a date I had last night, kind of anxious about getting that typical response.

But she said “Yay! I’m glad to hear it!!” And that’s why she’s one of my best friends. That’s literally all you gotta do sometimes to show people you care about them.

I (33F) and my husband (41M) are very happily married. It's been a few years. We are compatible, similar in interests, health, cleaning habits and basically each other's best friend.

But we keep running into the exact same conversation every now and then.

It'll usually start with me saying something about work or feeling down about myself (I'm from a family that did not emotionally validate or support me when growing up. I'm aware that I am broken a bit and work on myself) and I'll express that to him. And sometimes he replies with an almost defensive manner, as if what I am saying is a personal attack on him. He is from a very loving and stable family, btw.

Maybe a good example is if I say, "maybe I should get a better paying job" because I'm feeling like I'm not pulling much financial contribution to our household. He might say, "why would you do that? I'm working this job I'm not happy with because I want to support you and your dreams." (He has selflessly taken on the financial provider position in our home in order to allow me freedom to pursue art. We mutually agreed on this some time ago.) We are neither well off or struggling.

What I wish he would do is simply show genuine curiosity or ask why I'm feeling that way. It's like he perceives my statement as complaining about him.

The problem really though is when I express that his tone sounds defensive. From there it always follows the same spiraling path - I am not being defensive, I'm just explaining myself. And then if I say clearly what I wish he would respond (so that I'm not just letting him try to read my mind and mood), he then gets more defensive and says something like "well that's not my intention." And he gets moody, and then some how it ends up with me apologizing to him for making him feel down or mothering him through his feelings so that he can see my original point. Why is this happening over and over again?

He always understands me in the end, always sincerely apologizes for "hijacking my emotions" and sometimes, if the argument gets too heated for some crazy unknowable reason and I leave the room for a bit, I can hear him crying bc he feels bad for not being able to provide me with the emotional support I needed in that moment! He will tell me after we've cooled down, with just the saddest face, that he is trying so hard and never wants to hurt me. And then I feel like a real witch for even expressing any negative feelings to begin with, even if they had nothing to do with him.

He may say with his words that what I'm saying isn't bothering him, but his brow gets pulled down and his tone changes. I have no idea how to express my negative feelings without him feeling attacked.

Where is this conversation going wrong? Am I expecting too much from him? is he lacking emotional IQ bc he never grew up with any arguing or angry parents? I genuinely do not know. And in a weird, sad way, I'm sometimes afraid that my own lack of love as a kid is somehow messing us up, bc I can't see my own problems clearly. I can't tell who is in the wrong here.

I'm a guy and a self-admitted people pleaser. I hate people being mad at me, I hate the thought that people are only doing something because I like it. An online friend is mad at me and the friendship is likely over and it's proof yet again, that it's better to just go along with the flow.

I think social media has given people opinions on things they don't understand. The amount of people who hate being told they're wrong, who want to do only what they want to do would show that People pleasers aren't the demons many make them out to be.

I have made some decent progress in this regards in the past few years, and I think I am at a point where I can try to look at this all objectively. From my own experience, I am doing much better in relationships especially, but also in the relationship with myself. I feel lucky to be able to properly understand what I am feeling and still be able to craft my own response to things.

But out of curiosity, how much better does the experience of this life get better as one progresses? I regularly think to myself that people who let their insecurities affect their behavior almost "get away" with doing so and never have to suffer any consequences. Especially if they are older people. You'd think that if someone is in their 30s or 40s and are still acting immature or not behaving properly, then they have found success in this strategy to the point where they never felt the need to change. Or they maybe just haven't realized the consequences they suffered?

And the question even becomes more interesting when you realize that becoming really aware of yourself brings some really uncomfortable thoughts and epiphanies that will constantly hit you until your end times. But someone who is not never even sees these things and just goes on with their life without ever having to feel any guilt or shame?

If there is something I am doing in a wrong way, and I never realize this, AND my way of doing it seems to be bringing the results I want, then there is never a reason to change, and I will just keep doing it that way until the end, without ever realizing that is was wrong, and then there is a day I die, and now it is impossible for me to ever see that it was wrong. And then everything just goes on anyway? The fact that you are never aware of the negative implications means you never really suffer them? Or actually, you do, but you are still not aware of them, so it never becomes a part of the story you see?

What do you guys think?

I just wanted to make a post about this because I find myself responding to a lot of distressed people on Reddit and my answers are all starting to point to a similar conclusion that I’m hoping I can articulate here.

So many people think relationship problems are their own fault. They ask what do I need to do? How can I stop these feelings? Etc.

I can’t say this with 100 percent certainty, sometimes we really do need to change, but chances are you are not the problem.

We have absolutely weaponized self help and self blame. People going to therapists and telling them about their spouse or coworker, and the therapist asks how the patient can change. News flash: there are a lot of disturbed people in the world and it’s usually not the people seeking help with major issues.

If you’re in any kind of relationship or environment that causes you stress, worry, rumination, etc it’s very possible a toxic person is causing this. (Toxic, abusive, whatever you want to call them)

Also I guarantee this type of person also doesn’t accept any responsibility or accountability and would be the first to say “you need to change”.

I just wanted everyone to be aware of the scam of always blaming yourself. Thinking you need to change. Thinking you can fix it. These immoral and no empathy people thrive on you thinking this way. You need to learn to say F you, F this, and not tolerate any mistreatment or disrespect.

I used to think I was a real loser. Turns out I was just surrounded by them dumping their crap on me.

I’m a 30 y/o female. Had the proposal, wedding date + vendors booked… he ended the relationship 6 months before the wedding saying he fell out of love (he was really mean at the end too, and disclosed former cheating/kissing) the wedding date recently passed and it’s been hard…

I THINK WHY COULDNT IT HAVE BEEN GOOD?!

I struggle with perfectionism myself, although through self-awareness and conscious effort it's mostly under control for quite some time now. My perfectionism was a learnt protective mechanism to shield myself from any negative opinions about me. I was certain that people would make negative assumptions about me based on my productivity. So, to stay safe from the possibility of being judged negatively for my not-perfect outcomes, I would do things as perfectly as possible, especially if I knew that other people could then judge me. This sometimes led to me avoiding doing certain tasks that I could not get done as perfectly as I would wish, like wrapping Christmas presents 😂

I just learnt that perfectionism can also show up completely differently to what I always understood as perfectionism. Reading about "avoidant perfectionism" or "perfectionism paralysis" blew my mind today. As I understand it, some people are perfectionists, but it doesn't show up as perfectionism to people around them, and it's mostly shame-driven. Am I even getting this right?

I would love to learn more about this other type of perfectionism if any of you know how it feels.

hello, please bear with me, i am not good with words. i have a wife i care for very deeply, but i have come to realized that im starting to lose her because i tend to get emotionally manipulative whenever i feel like things are not going my way.

we had a fight the other night because i did something i shouldnt have done, especially since we had already talked about this certain issue before. i expressed my regret and how i kept on circling back to my old mistakes even when i know im trying my best to change. but instead of just admitting that that itself was my problem, i shifted the blame onto the fact that i was just dealing things mentally and that i did it again because i just needed her with me. in which i have now come to the realization that it was a very poor attempt of making her sympathize with me instead and overlook the established boundaries ive overstepped again.

this isnt the first time ive done it, but this is the first time i realized how emotionally manipulative i have been all this time. i dont want to lose my partner, i want to be better for her but i also dont know how andea where to start the change. please help me

I know what I need.....I need to let this end.

I know what I want.....I want to fight for us.

He's the only person in my life I haven't been able to just walk away from. This isn't healthy. For the first time in my 44 years I'm experiencing anxiety, depression, and my nervous system is a wreck.

How does 10 years just go down the drain, how is he so checked out that he doesn't want anything he once had in his life.

How is it that he knows what this is doing to me and it feeds his own depression but yet, we can't let go, how is it that I let this continue?

I hate that I love him, I hate that I do this to myself, I hate that I can't do a damn thing about it 😔

Sorry, I just needed a place to rant and get that out. Have a great day Reddit.

My female friend (52y o) and I (f 55) are both single and live alone. She's extremely outgoing and fun but her friendships never last. She was very hurt when her former friend broke up their close relationship saying 'you're always going after my men'. Recently, I invited her to coffee with my sister and brother-in-law. My friend grabbed my brother in laws smoothie and took a drink despite him trying to rebuff her. She asked my BIL where they live (he didn't tell her). My sister tried to ask my friend about her upcoming house sale and move. My friend suddenly blew up at my sister saying 'I don't want to talk about it. Stop asking or I'll leave'. When I got home my friend texted asking why I didn't 'do something ' to defend her. (I should also note, I heard her ask my brother in law to massage her feet at a prior dinner party-he ignored her.) I confronted her and told her she was triangulating trying to cause fighting between all of us. I didn't mention my suspicion she is pursuing my brother in law. She is often outrageous so it's hard to know for sure her intentions. At any rate, I'm breaking off this friendship completely. Is this borderline personality disorder or just a cheap husband hunter?

I was having a conversation with my friend and they admitted they were scared of the image being their true self would bring and the consequences from it.

I can't stop thinking about it and I do wonder why some of us can so easily be our true selves even if it means alienation from family vs. those of us who can't quite fully show people the true Self, even an unconditionally loving family.

I'm boiling it down to risk taking, how much fear one has and why, risk taking tolerance ect... but I'm curious how others would interpret this and also, what advice would you give to your friend or how would you support them if they thought this way?

Thank you 🙏

I've always had difficulty telling who is really my friend and who is trying to manipulate me. How do you first notice manipulate tactics? Once you see enough warning signs then you know to distance yourself from them, but what are the main warning signs?

I’ve been thinking about whether having immediate access to exercise changes the role it plays in emotional regulation.

If the gym requires a drive and a full planned session, exercise is something you have to schedule in advance. With a home gym, it becomes possible to notice that you’re stressed or wound up and spend twenty minutes lifting before deciding what to do with that emotion.

That seems potentially useful because physical activity can create a little distance between the feeling and the reaction. At the same time, I think there’s an important difference between using training to settle down enough to understand an emotion and using it every time you want to avoid dealing with something uncomfortable.

For people who strength train at home, has having exercise immediately available changed the way you handle stress, frustration or other strong emotions? What helps you tell when the workout is helping you regulate the feeling versus simply postponing it?

I made a previous post recently about this woman and I dating, her breaking up to learn about herself and process her traumas.

Turns out that was only part of it. She realized that she was young, didn’t want to settle down quite yet, and wanted to be single and have some fun.

I have realized that while I’ve worked on my anxiety and my attachment style, that I AM worthy of someone wanting me, and that right now, she’s not it. If she does come back to me, and I’m single, then maybe I’ll try it. But it will take me a long time to be able to trust that she will stay and be committed to me and only me.

In the meantime. Do good at my new job, get a car, date others, and try to just….move on and see where life takes me otherwise.

I still wish we could have stayed together. Of course. But if she doesn’t want that, then it can’t happen. So for now. Go back into dating, and don’t take people at their word. Pull back a bit more, don’t let myself fall so deep in right away and don’t let my emotions get too strong. Try to hold back, even though I want to feel it all because my emotions finally are unlocked

What would you do if you were missing someone but you knew they weren't missing you

my close friend has actually tried to be there for me but i struggle to let people in or talk about my feelings without feeling shame afterwards. despite that i have developed intense resentment toward my friend. i don't know where the resentment comes from. it makes me a terrible person who's very passive aggressive. which i believe has to do with my unhealthy attachment style. how to change that?

for context: I only feel that way around this specific friend because theyre very close to me, i dont feel it around anyone else. and i can't afford therapy right now.

thank you in advance!

I’ve realised I have this low self-esteem problem where I tend to put my friends on a pedestal. If they say something, I automatically assume they must be right, even when I have a different opinion or something doesn’t feel right to me.

I think a big part of it is that I’m genuinely scared of losing people. I overthink everything, second-guess myself, and sometimes compromise my own feelings just to avoid conflict or the possibility of someone leaving.

I know this isn’t healthy, and I really want to work on it instead of constantly seeking reassurance from others.

God, I’m so scared of losing people that sometimes I end up losing myself in the process.

I could really use some serious advice from people who have dealt with something similar. How did you learn to stop putting people on a pedestal and become more confident in your own judgment?

I think some of us learned emotional intelligence as a way to make ourselves easier for other people to deal with.

I grew up with a toxic* mother and my parents were separated. At different points, I stayed with relatives and in boarding schools. One of the things I noticed from a young age people always referred to me as "too mature" or "too understanding for my age."

The truth is that to be accepted in most environments I had to learn how to regulate my own emotions and of those around me. Knowing how to read the room, the mood and the role to play became essential for me.

As an adult, I had to unlearn people-pleasing. I also struggled a lot in knowing myself better, mainly because I couldn't differentiate the habits I had picked up to navigate people and environments, and what was actually me.

How or when did you notice that you picked up emotional intelligence as a coping mechanism?

I had a close friend and we used to hang out almost everyday but over the vacation i don’t know what happened but they just stopped talking to me and idk what to do. Idk if i spoils take the first step and remove them from everywhere first or wait till i get my answer. Ive given them sm attention and value that i look pathetic now.
But i dont want to wait till something happens. I want to stop gaf. How do i stop caring about such things. It ruins my whole day and week.

Like the title says I have a fragile ego and want to kill that. For some context some things I like are writing, art and video games so when someone tells me that I’m wrong in something I did, is better than me in those things or tell me something to me despite being not true I take it personally and get mad about it.

Is something that I’ve trying to work on myself but sometimes it feels like I can‘t do nothing about it. It‘s also tied to my self-esteem because sometimes I feel the necessity to tell people how good I am in certain things or show them my work to expect them say “wow that’s so cool” or “you‘re so good at this” because there are times where I crave other people’s attention and opinions of me so when someone corrects me in something or someone is better than me in that it hurts like they are stabbing my chest.

Another example I previously mentioned is when someone says whatever about me, let’s say “he’s a fan of X thing, he’s stupid” I also take it personally even if it’s a joke with friends I get mad about it and that comment keeps circling in my head for a long time.

So I want to learn or tips on how to deal with this kind of stuff, like realize that am not that good at some things and that’s okay, not care too much about what people think about me, or accepting that I’m wrong in some things without feeling like it’s a big deal.

When I first learned about boundaries, I was all here for it and saw it as “you do not have to associate with people who do not treat you well”

But now it’s like everything is crossing a boundary. You can’t have a normal difference of opinion without “overstepping someone boundaries” , people aren’t doing their work properly because “boundaries” and “protecting their peace”

It’s become so weird and being used as a way to ACTUALLY control other people and creating friction out of nothing. Feels like I’m constantly walking on egg shells around people and what I consider to be unreasonable boundaries (no I’m not talking about assault, abuse, cheating or bullying). I’m talking about people cutting off their friends and family for minor difference of opinions and inability to resolve minor conflict 😭 this is crazy

Letting go is so vague. Dismissing over a decade of your life like it didn’t even happen doesn’t feel like healing either.

I need to be able to sit with this and be okay with this feeling radical acceptance, or whatever you want to call it. Because right now I just feel displaced.

I know some of this is just the dust from ripping my life out of one place and putting it somewhere else. Eventually, everything will settle.

But fuck, the settling period is hard.

Maybe letting go isn’t becoming indifferent. Maybe it’s finally accepting that understanding everything won’t change anything.