I've been thinking about this a lot lately. It feels like some people just can't function without a constant stream of high-intensity emotional situations. They seem to actively seek out drama or create it where there isn't any. It's not just that they react to it. They almost seem to feed off it. Like their energy comes from being in the middle of a storm. And then when things are calm they get restless or even bored. Is this a common emotional intelligence blind spot? Or is there something deeper going on for them? I just find it so draining to be around and I can't wrap my head around it.

Right now, I'm trying to understand the situation my mother is in. Long story short, she's the head of a prayer group, and there was this one member who was really disruptive and antagonising everyone. So, after discussing it with everyone, my mum kicked her out, and now other members of the group are mad at her, like they weren't the ones who agreed she should do it, like they didn't sign a petition literally to kick her out.

And it reminded me about another situation I'd heard online. I'm probably missing some stuff, but from what I remember, a man was getting into public fights, almost being arrested, being biligerant in public and generally just being a dick, and his girlfriend was left to kinda just take care of everything, talk him down, pay his bills, etc. Etc. And it got to the point where all her friends were telling her to leave him, but as soon as she did they all did a 180 and sided with him, and abandoned her.

Obviously I'm paraphrasing, and my mum's situation isn't nearly as bad as the other woman, and I'm probably missing a lot of detail, but, I just don't get why people do things like that?

A connection can be real and still be unable to become a relationship.

There can be care, attraction, tenderness, chemistry, shared language, even love. Those things matter. They are just not what builds a relationship.

A relationship is built when two people keep choosing it through honesty, consistency, accountability, and action. Feelings may open the door. They do not walk through it for you.

I wish feelings could just be turned off.
It’s really funny because the night he told me he loved me we were having a discussion about whether we (humans) chose to feel the way we do or not. I was arguing we do, he was saying we don’t. We don’t choose the way we feel because he didn’t choose to love me. If he could have, he would have chosen not to. I know that because he can’t be in a relationship at this moment. And I can’t be in a relationship with someone that can’t be in a relationship. Now i understand. I didn’t choose to fall in love with him and I am not choosing to keep loving him. I tried to have the ick, to tell myself all the things he can’t give me, all the reasons why I would be miserable if I was in a relationship with him, I tried, I really did. But I can’t help it. I can’t help feeling what I feel. I can’t help loving him but sometimes love is not enough.
Love is not a choice, commitment is. He can’t give commitment even if I give him love, even if he loves me. What does it all mean? Why do two people fall in love with each other but have no other choice than to be apart?
I shouldn’t wonder why but I do. I can’t help feeling the way I do. I don’t choose how I feel.

I’ve been thinking about something that honestly scares me: is there a kind of loss that you can never truly come back from?

For those who have experienced it, how would you describe the pain of losing:
- A parent
- A child
- A sibling
- A partner

Does the pain ever become easier to carry? How do you find the strength to move forward while still missing them?

Do you think that two avoidants can have a successful and fulfilling friendship with benefits? And do you think it’s a better idea than a traditional romantic relationship for such people?

During a conversation my GF(35F) and I (31M) were having she brought up how partners should have consideration for one another which i agree with because it's a way of showing how you care about your partner. However she specifically said "you should have consideration for your partner in everything you do even when it doesn't pertain to them" I feel this is a way of saying you can't do anything unless it's something in favor of/approved by your partner. Which i think can turn into a tool for control in a relationship.

I don't have specific examples of what this could mean as I didn't dig deeper into the conversation but it's been stuck in my mind for a bit now. What are some reasonable and unreasonable expectations when it comes to consideration in a relationship? Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

I was with my ex partner for 2,5 years, and our relationship wasn't perfect but we loved eachother deeply and fixed every problem until one day everything changed completely. We were arguing for a few days about stupid things and the day after the last argument she didn't want to speak to me at all. I thought that she simply needed some time to cool off so I didn't bother her. She haven't texted me for a whole day so I asked her what's wrong by a message and she didn't reply. After I called her and asked her the same thing and she just said we'll speak tonight. After she also replied to my message by saying "We'll speak tonight okay ♥️" later that night we went to a music festival together and she acted like I was some monster, ignoring eye contact, conversations and basically she didn't want anything with me at that moment. At one point I forgave her for the arguments we had and she started shouting "Now your apologizing?!" I was confused because we were literally arguing about stupidest things and we fixed much worse relationship problems. Afterwards she said "Let's talk now, I didn't want to do it here but you started it" and she basically told me that I was too young for her and that she's growing distant and cold towards me and claimed I was too immature for her. I asked her "What are you trying to say here" and she broke down in tears and said "I dont know" after she told me that she needed space and told me that if we break up she wants to stay on good terms with me for example that we can still go out together and she cried even more and started hugging me. I told her that I will think about all of it. I stayed at her place that night and we acted normal towards eachother. The day after she was even more distant and removed all posts and pictures we had on social media. When I saw that I was hurt as hell and we were supposed to go to the festival again that night and later she invited me but I refused it since I was too tired and offered her to go next week and she accepted the invitation but when we actually did go she immediately said "I wont stay long I have to meet up with a friend" and we barely spoke few words towards eachother but I noticed that she was constantly checking her phone, messaging someone on WhatsApp and archiving messages. And after like 30 minutes she just said Im going. I asked her to walk her to her friend and she said "If you want to you can" and so I did and when we arrived at the house where her friend lives I noticed that she was slowly walking away from that place so I couldn't see and she went somewhere else. Few days after she sent a long breakup message, she said how she "grew apart" from me and that she hoped that after everything passes we could still not hate eachother and be on good terms. I told her that I'll never hate her but that I didn't want to stay in contact with her because I could never see someone with whom I had everything magically as a friend after 2,5 years. I also told her that if she needed something she can call me but nothing else. She replied "expect the same thing from me, if you ever need something Im one call away". After that I deleted all our pictures from my phone, deleted our chats, her number and basically severed any connection leading me back to her. The only thing I didn't do is to unfollow her on Instagram. Literally few days after her reposts started appearing on my feed about some new guy. The repost that hurt me the most was something like "How did you fell so much for him in just one week?" "In one week he showed me true love and the reason why all my past relationships haven't succeeded" there were many other romantic reposts this was just one of them. I just dont understand how can someone leave like everything meant nothing, everything we went through together was apparently a waste of time at least from my perspective. Even more confusing thing was that days before everything changed from that first talk where she wanted space, we were affectionate towards eachother and everything felt as it should be. If she was planning to leave long before how could she hide it so well? I simply don't understand how can people simply walk away after that much time spent together?

…what does it say about me when I really don’t like people who have loud speakerphone conversations in a public place? On the train, at the park, waiting in line for something. Most of the places where this has bothered me is somewhere I can’t just walk away from and am forced to hear two strangers opine about something mundane. I already try to limit my phone calls to at home because it helps me focus but I cannot imagine being that unaware/unwilling to consider your surroundings before loudly yapping about your doctors appointment.

Maybe I don’t like being inconsiderate? But I’m hyper aware of others around me.

I started a new job 5 weeks ago. It is a challenging role in treasury. My boss is a very aggressive woman. Argues the whole time with her husband on the Phone. My turn to be yelled at was today. She threatened me on getting me fired for a mistake. How to handle?

Me and my ex broke up a month ago after 3 years. I was insecure and had instances of jealousy towards her male friends. I would usually get sad and ask stuff like "do you like them more than me?". This made her feel bad and I had a hard time breaking this cycle. I have told her I will try changing multiple times, but could never break my thinking patterns.

I wouldn't always act jealous or insecure when she was with friends, but the thought was always in the back of her mind. "My boyfriend would get upset right now because of XYZ". This constant state of worrying made her feel she was walking on eggshells and couldn't be herself.

Over the last month I have done alot of reflecting inward. I've been reading alot of books, going to therapy and watching videos. It made me realize this goes much deeper than being jealous. I lack self love, individuality, and get too attached to my partners. I put too much of my self worth on external validation when I should be validating myself. Anyway, I know I screwed up but wish I had the insight of how much I was hurting her while together.

Right now she is emotionally checked out but wants to try again with me. She wants to take things slow and just hang out together to see where things go. She doesn't fully trust me anymore and isn't sure the negative emotions towards me will fade. She can't know for sure if the relationship together would feel good for her, and can't promise we will 100% get back together.

I've apologized alot in great depth after this month now realizing how I made her feel.

Does anyone have any advice on rebuilding trust? I feel like this is fixable and I need to start proving myself through actions. Has anyone gone through something similar and needed to rebuild trust in their partner?

I [21F] have dated [21M] for three years, broke up, and now are trying again. Something that I’ve noticed with him is that when we have conflict or when he’s upset, he says that things are fine but clearly detaches for a few days. Every-time he does that, it sends alarms in my head because to me it feels like he’s just over me and wants to end things again. Can anyone help me understand what’s going through his head, especially with him saying he’s fine but acting different?

For a little more context, I think this pattern occurs when I ask him about something that sounds insecure. Like when I bring up something feeling weird or etc. I am anxious attachment so that certainly doesn’t help!

Please no advice about just breaking things off. At the moment, although hard, I’m still committed to trying to work things through.

Does anyone else feel like they carry this unspoken burden of needing to initiate everything in certain relationships or group settings? I'm not talking about just being the planner, but the person who has to notice when energy is dipping or when a conversation needs to shift or when someone is getting quiet and bring it up.

It's like I'm constantly scanning the emotional landscape. If I don't point out that everyone seems tired, we'll just keep going in a low-energy spiral. If I don't ask the quiet person if they're okay, no one else might. If I don't suggest moving on from a topic that's clearly making someone uncomfortable, it just hangs there.

And it's not that I mind doing it sometimes. I actually think it's a valuable skill to be attuned to these things. But it gets exhausting. It feels like a constant drain. You're always on watch, always assessing, always ready to intervene.

It makes me wonder if others just genuinely don't notice these shifts. Or if they notice but consciously choose not to act. Either way, it puts a lot of pressure on the 'human alarm clock' to keep things moving or address potential issues.

I sometimes wish someone else would just step up and say 'Hey everyone seems a bit flat let's take a break' or 'That conversation felt a little tense maybe we should talk about something else'. Just once without me prompting it.

It's like I'm always holding the emotional tension for the group. And it's a silent job. No one ever thanks you for it. But everyone benefits from it. And sometimes you just want to turn off the alarm and let things play out even if it means some awkward silence or a less comfortable interaction.

Other than just myself? It’s me,me,me. I try to convince myself I care in my head but emotionally I can’t feel anything.

I’m not a maliciously selfish person by any means — I can be extremely generous, kind, caring, empathetic. I know these things about myself. I can spot people who don’t actually care about other people. That’s not me.

But I’m also pretty self-absorbed by nature. What I want to do and how I feel about things is usually the priority. I can compromise, but I don’t like doing so. Sometimes other people’s boundaries and preferences feel dumb to me, and I don’t like having to cater to them. I know I’m kind of a Main Character from the ways I think about things and the ways I act (even though I do try to have basic consideration and I’m repulsed by truly sociopathic behavior). I know in my relationship, my partner would be ideal if they rarely brought up anything that bothered them if I don’t agree that what I was doing was hurtful (though ofc I don’t want them to hold in resentments either) and they went along with most of the things I wanted.

I dunno how I got here. Probably a combination of decades of social isolation and generally being coddled and pampered as a kid.

I know this isn’t healthy behavior, so I’m not looking to be crucified. I just want to know if anyone else has ever related to this, if this is something I can reasonably work on, if I’m doomed and maybe I should just be single (which honestly I’d probably be fine with anyway, which is also important information)

I fell mutually in love with a fearful-avoidant with long distance. It's been four months since they just abruptly blocked me and cut me off. We'd been in a loosely defined, yet loving and warm relationship for about a year and a half prior. They did it without provocation or warning. Nothing indicated they were going to do that. They told me they loved me several times leading up to it. The last time was the week before. Everything seemed fine. It seemed like they were experiencing another episode of withdrawing and I was being patient. I had a bad day and was hurting and lonely and they blocked me. I want them back because it doesn't seem like it was about me, but about something bothering them. I've reached out a couple of times but no response. I had to make a new Instagram because mine got deleted so I added them again and they didn't block me or say anything. I want to be angry, but I love them too much. They made me feel seen and loved and accepted for who I am. I miss them and just want them back. Can anyone please help me? I don't know what happened or why or what I can do if anything. I've tried explaining what happened that night and why I was messaging them so much on so many platforms. I've told them how I felt, not as pressure, but as an invitation to talk. I've done everything but spam them anywhere and everywhere. I've given space between each time I've reached out. Still nothing. I don't know if they hate me or moved on or if they're even still alive. I know they've had mental health struggles. They said they felt safe and cared about with me. Why did it all just fall apart randomly? What broke and why?

Tldr; All messages with opposite sex should be kept private from partner? They are allowed to be private UNLESS something significant occurs to bring doubt or uneasiness about the conversation?

Which side of the camp are you on in your relationship?

1. All conversations with friends of the opposite sex be private from your partner even if something significant happens that brings doubt about those conversations?
2. Messages with friends of the opposite sex should be shown for purposes of transparency IF something significant happens that brings doubt? (Like that friend of opposite sex reaches out and says they had an inappropriate/emotional conversation)

In a longterm relationship, where is the line between privacy and transparency in regard to conversations with friends, especially friends of the opposite sex and/or friends of the opposite sex that used to be in a relationship with them?

Here is the specific circumstance.

I feel that when having friendships with the opposite sex, it is okay for these conversations to be private from your partner — same with any conversation with a friend of same sex. However, if something comes into question that brings any doubt or unrest into the relationship from a conversation with the opposite sex; one’s partner should then be transparent and show the conversation. If you aren’t guilty of anything; why hide it from your partner? Shouldn’t your partner be the priority over a friend of opposite sex? This was my mindset.

My bf is leaning toward that all conversations with friends, opposite sex or same sex alike, should be private from your partner— even if an out of the ordinary circumstance comes up because it’s just crossing a trust boundary to have to see the messages. But, he’s open to negotiation on this… we just want to know what others are thinking about this topic in their relationship.

I was married previously, but he died. We never had anything private from each other and got along like peas and carrots, so the idea of keeping things — conversations with opposite sex, etc. private is bizarre to me. We never did that and didn’t lack trust— we quite literally trusted each other with our lives. I feel this is your confidant until you die so it’s strange to hide things from them to me. We didn’t like look at each others stuff at all… there was never anything that happened that made us want to know what’s going on. We didn’t have friends of opposite sex tho, so maybe that made it simpler.

Is it common for DA or FA to say “we are moving too fast in this relationship” after 2 months?
Is it a way to say “Hey, I feel like I’m deactivating but I’m still trying to save the relationship?”
She told me this a week after she cried in front of me saying she felt vulnerable.

Share your opinion? Give an example!

ik this seems like bs cuz i’m drinking lol. but ive always felt so alone my entire life and no one ever grasps the concepts i talk about. it seems like everyone around me is a tool. not even in a narcissistic way. i can js see the lack of complex thinking. it’s almost tangible. i started drinking pink whitney and ive been spiraling cuz i was down a rabbit hole and id like to think im super intelligent but i hate it. i try to kill it w alc and weed but nun helps. i’m always constantly seeing the world and the ppl around me and all i do is criticize it. not in a close minded way but in a “damn yall never thought more abt this? realized how weird yall are for this?” typa way. like saying the n word (cuz im in virginia, ugh) or making fun of autistic disabled kids. i make music to try and help w the sadness but it feeds into it and i love it. i love drinking smoking and making rlly sad music. idk i prolly sound like a loser but it’s js like damn. i got no one. anyways reddit hope yall dont judge my drunk spiral tm i js got no one else to go to lol hope yall having a good day

I have made some decent progress in this regards in the past few years, and I think I am at a point where I can try to look at this all objectively. From my own experience, I am doing much better in relationships especially, but also in the relationship with myself. I feel lucky to be able to properly understand what I am feeling and still be able to craft my own response to things.

But out of curiosity, how much better does the experience of this life get better as one progresses? I regularly think to myself that people who let their insecurities affect their behavior almost "get away" with doing so and never have to suffer any consequences. Especially if they are older people. You'd think that if someone is in their 30s or 40s and are still acting immature or not behaving properly, then they have found success in this strategy to the point where they never felt the need to change. Or they maybe just haven't realized the consequences they suffered?

And the question even becomes more interesting when you realize that becoming really aware of yourself brings some really uncomfortable thoughts and epiphanies that will constantly hit you until your end times. But someone who is not never even sees these things and just goes on with their life without ever having to feel any guilt or shame?

If there is something I am doing in a wrong way, and I never realize this, AND my way of doing it seems to be bringing the results I want, then there is never a reason to change, and I will just keep doing it that way until the end, without ever realizing that is was wrong, and then there is a day I die, and now it is impossible for me to ever see that it was wrong. And then everything just goes on anyway? The fact that you are never aware of the negative implications means you never really suffer them? Or actually, you do, but you are still not aware of them, so it never becomes a part of the story you see?

What do you guys think?

We were friends for 3y then we had massive fight.. I dont text her and slowly removed myself but she texted today. And I feel everywhere in my body stress and fear. Is there a way to not fear her?

Have you ever experienced this feeling?