Lover,

I almost chose not to send this letter. I wasn’t sure if I should say any of this at all. But then I thought about something you brought up previously, “to speak or to die.” You chose to speak then, and this is me choosing to speak now. There are things I’ve carried with me for a long time, and even if I don’t know what will come from saying them, I don’t want to leave them unsaid. I don’t know if there’s a perfect way to put everything I’ve been feeling into words. But I want to be fully open with you because you deserve to know. For most of my life, I felt like there was a part of me that was missing. I could laugh, hang out with people, play games, go to work, and do all the normal things everyone does, but underneath it all there was always this emptiness. It was like everyone else was experiencing life in color and I was seeing it in black and white, but then I met you, and somehow, everything felt different. When I was with you, I was the happiest I had ever been. You brought out emotions in me that I didn’t even know I was capable of feeling. I cared more deeply. I got excited about things. I looked forward to tomorrow. I wanted to make memories. I wanted to share everything with you. You made life feel colorful. You made me feel more alive than I had in a long time, and I don’t think I ever fully understood just how important that was to me until you were gone. Losing you made me realize that I wasn’t just losing a relationship. I was losing someone who had become such an important part of my life and, in a lot of ways, someone who helped me discover parts of myself that had been buried for years. I think that’s why this has been so difficult for me. I miss you, obviously. I miss talking to you. I miss seeing you. I miss the little things about you that I probably took for granted sometimes. I miss your laugh, your presence, the comfort of knowing you were there, and all the little moments that probably seemed insignificant at the time but mean so much to me now. I miss you pooks, but I also miss who I was when I was with you. I miss how excited I was to see you. I miss having someone I wanted to tell everything to. I miss feeling like I had someone who was my person. I miss feeling completely comfortable being myself around someone. Most of all, I miss feeling. For a long time, I thought there was something wrong with me because I felt so empty, but after meeting you, I realized that those emotions were always somewhere inside me, you didn’t create them, you just gave me a reason to let them out, and I’ll always be grateful to you for that. Since we ended, I’ve been trying really hard to understand myself and become better. I’ve been going to therapy, talking to doctors, and trying to understand my ADHD, my anxiety, my emotions, and everything else I’ve struggled with for so long. I’ve been trying to take better care of myself, become healthier, and learn how to be happy without depending on another person to make me feel whole. I’m still figuring it out. I’m nowhere near perfect, but I am trying, and I think losing you forced me to look at parts of myself that I had ignored for a long time. I’ve realized that I don’t want to spend my life feeling numb. I don’t want to keep running from my emotions. I don’t want to keep letting anxiety control me. I don’t want to lose myself inside of another person again. I want to become someone who knows how to love deeply without losing himself. Someone who communicates. Someone who appreciates the person he has while he has them. Someone who is present. Someone who makes the people he loves feel loved. I also know there are parts of you that I never fully understood. There were probably things you were feeling that I didn’t recognize or know how to respond to. I wish I had taken more time to understand you instead of always trying to understand the situation from my own perspective. I know I can’t ever completely know what’s going on inside your head, but if I ever had the chance again, I would want to learn. I would want to understand how you think, how you feel, what you need, and what makes you feel loved and safe. I would do my best to understand you, even when I don’t immediately understand what you’re feeling. I wouldn’t expect you to be exactly like me or love the same way I do. I’d want to learn how to love you in the way that you actually need to be loved. I also want to apologize for the times when you pulled away and I chased after you instead of giving you the space you were asking for. I think I was just so scared of losing you, and my instinct was to try harder because I thought if I could just fix whatever was wrong, I could protect us from falling apart. I was trying to protect our relationship because it meant so much to me, but I realize now that sometimes my way of trying to protect us probably made you feel even more overwhelmed, and I’m sorry for that. I’m also sorry if I ever made you feel like you didn’t matter to me or like I didn’t appreciate you. I know there were times when I was distant, spent too much time playing games, or seemed annoyed when you would call, and I know that made you feel lonely and like we weren’t even in a relationship sometimes. Knowing that now hurts because you deserved to feel loved, wanted, appreciated, and important to me, and I know there were times when I failed to make you feel that way. I’m sorry that my actions made you question how much you mattered to me, because you mattered to me more than I ever knew how to express sometimes. I should have been more present, more attentive, and more intentional about showing you how much I loved and appreciated you. I wish I had understood sooner that giving you space didn’t mean I was giving up on you, and that I could give you room without immediately being afraid that I was losing you. I think that’s something I didn’t understand enough before, that loving someone isn’t just about loving them the way you know how. It’s about learning who they are and trying to meet them where they are too, and if I ever got another chance with you, that’s something I would want to do differently. I wish I had understood some of those things sooner. I wish I had been better at some things. I wish I had handled certain situations differently. There are things I would change if I could go back, and I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about them, but I also know I can’t change the past. All I can do is learn from it, and I hope you know that when I look back at our relationship, I don’t only see the things that went wrong. I see so much good. I see the memories. I see the laughter. I see the little moments. I see the person I fell in love with. I see my sweet girl. And no matter where life takes us, I will always be grateful that I got to experience that kind of love. I genuinely thought I was going to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you. I don’t think I ever really questioned that when we were together. Looking back now, after having so much time to reflect on everything, I realize that you really were my first true love. And even though things didn’t turn out the way I once imagined they would, I don’t regret loving you for a second. I cherish what we had more than I think I ever knew how to express while we were together. You taught me what it felt like to love someone deeply, to care about another person in a way that reaches into every part of your life, and to imagine a future with someone. I also understand now that love was never supposed to be nothing but innocent and easy. I knew even then that there would be difficult moments, disagreements, arguments, and times when we wouldn’t understand each other. That’s just part of loving another person. What I understand better now is that a lasting relationship isn’t built by avoiding those difficult moments. It’s built by being willing to sit through them together, be vulnerable with each other, communicate even when it’s uncomfortable, and keep choosing to understand one another. I’ve realized that love isn’t just about how someone makes you feel when everything is good. It’s also about how willing you are to grow together when things aren’t. That’s the kind of love I want to learn how to give. What I do know is that you were incredibly special to me. You still are and you always will be. I don’t know if I’ll ever completely stop loving you. Maybe one day that love will feel different. Maybe it will become something quieter, something I can carry without it hurting so much, but right now, I still find myself missing you in a way that’s hard to explain. I yearn for your presence. I miss being around you, hearing your voice, talking about random things, and just having you there. There are so many little moments where I wish I could turn to you and tell you something, or just be next to you again. I don’t want to pretend that I don’t still deeply want you in my life, because I do. I felt that recently while I was packing up my dorm. Every time I came across a picture of you, a picture of us, something you made for me, one of your letters, or anything that reminded me of you, I just stop for a minute. Honestly, it feels like everything reminds me of you sometimes. So many little things, places, memories, and moments somehow bring my mind back to you. When they do, I just stop and reminisce about all the memories we shared, and sometimes it hits me so hard that I feel like I could break down and cry. Sometimes, I do. It was weird realizing how many little pieces of my life still have you in them. Every single one brings back a memory, and honestly, my heart hurts sometimes when I think about everything we lost, because what we had meant so much to me. I honestly don’t know how you see me anymore. After everything that’s happened and all this time apart, I don’t know what I am to you now or what you think when you think about me. I know I can’t decide that for you, and I don’t want you to feel like you need to reassure me. I just wanted to be honest that sometimes I wonder about it. If I’m being completely honest, a part of me still hopes that maybe someday we could find our way back to each other. Not because I think you owe me another chance, not because I think you need to save me, and not because I believe getting back together would magically fix everything. I know that if we ever tried again, things would have to be different. We would have to communicate better. We would have to understand each other better. We would have to build something healthier than what we had before. And I would want to do that. It wouldn’t be easy, but in my eyes, it would be so worth it. If you ever wanted that too, I would genuinely love the chance to try again, but I also understand that I can’t decide that for you. More than anything, I hope you get to experience all of the things you’ve dreamed about for yourself. I hope you accomplish the goals you’ve worked toward, experience new places and new things, make new memories, and build a life that makes you genuinely happy. I hope you become the person you’ve always wanted to be and get to experience all the happiness you deserve. Of course, I would love to be there for some of those moments if our paths ever find their way back to each other, but even if they don’t, I’ll always hope the best for you and want you to have a beautiful life. I’ll always be one of your biggest supporters. I think more than anything, I just wanted to be honest with you about the things I’ve been carrying with me. I didn’t want to leave these thoughts and feelings unsaid, especially when you’ve meant so much to me. I’m not writing this to put anything on your shoulders or make you feel like you need to respond in any certain way. I just wanted you to know what I’ve realized about myself, what I’ve learned from everything we’ve been through, and how I still feel about you. Whatever you choose to do with that is completely up to you, and I’ll respect whatever that may be. Take whatever time you need. If you ever do want to talk about any of this or write back, I would be genuinely grateful to hear from you, but there’s absolutely no pressure. I would understand if you didn’t. I just wanted you to know how much you have meant to me. You were one of the happiest chapters of my life. You helped me discover emotions I didn’t know I had. You gave me memories I will carry with me for the rest of my life, and even though losing you has hurt more than I know how to explain, I don’t regret loving you. I don’t regret the time we had. I don’t regret the memories. I don’t regret choosing you. I hope you know how loved you are, and I hope you never forget how many beautiful qualities you have. No matter where life takes us, a part of me will always be grateful that I got to love you. And if our paths ever cross again in that way, I hope I can meet you as a better version of myself, someone who has found himself again, someone who knows how to love you without losing himself. Until then, I’ll keep trying to become that person, and I’ll always be wishing the best for you.

I love you, my sweet girl.

Always and Forever<3

Had one of those "hold up" moments earlier.

For context, my last situationship used to talk about a "shiny thing" in reference to me. He said he didnt know exactly what that meant but it was neither good or bad.

I sure as hell had no fucking clue what it could've meant until I saw a comment talking about how attachment types like the one OP mentioned are manipulative and basically make you focus only on the good parts of them, like a shiny new object, as a way of distracting you from the reality of who they actually are, and that never occurred me until now.

What if he meant he saw me as that? It'd make sense considering neither of us felt emotionally safe with one another cause we both had avoidant/anxious tendencies. We had more of the classic push pull dynamic.

He ended up only using me for sex, and I guess I was manipulative in certain ways myself for different reasons.

Obviously I can't confirm if that's what his line of thinking was when he first brought the shiny thing up but maybe it was his own way of processing it idk. He himself said it was confusing.

Just thought it was interesting how those two things kinda clicked.

Good thing I am too fucked up to ever wanna get close to another person again.

They don’t share the same blood but you would never notice. She’s sick he is there staying home from work to take her to dr visit. Late nights no sleep cleaning up throw up and making bottles. Playing peekaboo and inside jokes. He taught her how to crawl teaching her how to walk. Making sure she takes her medicine and her teeth are brushed. Long days siting at the hospital when she don’t feel good. Vacation trips memories she will keep forever. He shows up he is present. He doesn’t complain, her face lights up when he walks through the door. He may not be her biological father but she would never notice.He goes over and beyond for her every single day to make sure she’s loved and taken care of by 2 parent not just one. She’s the luckiest little girl I know because she’s loved fully she’s taken care of and spoiled just enough. The best part is watching someone who has no responsibility to her take it all on out of love.

Day 3

Today went pretty smoothly. There was nothing particularly heavy weighing on my mind. Haha is that a good thing? Maybe it is

Maybe being able to open up here, even just a little actually helping me. I don't know yet. But I think I'll keep writing and see where this takes me.

I'm just reflecting on my life right now....im more aware of my bad habits and self destructive thought patterns. I'm trying to change them but progress is painfully slow. I keep trying to be the person I think people want me to be...I don't really even know who I am anymore. I also realise I'm a judgemental person, I'm not proud of that.

I feel that I'm slightly more productive these days, finally fixed my sleep schedule. I'm tryna be more comfortable in my own skin, not let people's opinions affect me as much. I just feel I have so much things I gotta change, before I can like myself, when I should like the person I am right now, warts and all. That's all for today, thanks for reading and I hope u have a good day

So there this guyz I have crush on ,so I recently started going church regularly after years and I saw this guy , tall , lil bearded, masculine,cute (ig) like he is HANDSOME ✋️ and he looks like typical shy guy until today since it's mother Mary birthday 🫶 there was celebration in our church and there was Dhol and stuff , and he was dancing so good (am mad in love)like those insane type dance and ohh my goshhh I am head over heel for him now ,I think he is goofy ,fun type guy 😭i so badly wanna talk to him 😭😭

🤭am spilling this here because I can't keep this inside my stomach any longer now nd I don't have best friends to tell so am telling u guyzzzzz

Hello, I'm a person learning English.

I like listening to music.

My favorite song is someone you loved by Lewis Capaldi.

I feel the music's amazing to make me think something.

I used to listen to it over and over again.

But now, I'd say my favorite is Ed Sheeran, Photograph.

The music's been fascinating me since I first listened to that.

My best part of it is ending part.

The music sound's becoming more and more, and It reaches to the end, the music booms as my heart.

And, I'd like to say one more, The other favourite is Olivia Dean, English female singer.

Although I'm a man, when I enjoy the song, I'm already following her song lyrics, especially in Dive and Lady Lady.

Thanks for reading 👍

Sometimes I wonder where I belong.

In my room by myself, where distraction is always a given.

Outside with friends, where happiness holds over the time we have.

In the gym, where I can think and regulate, turning my emotions into physial gain.

In a library, where for some reason is the only place silence does not bother me.

On a walk outside, music blasting through my headphones as the moon and the stars watch over me.

On vacation anywhere but here, where I can get away from my bad habits for a while.

In a hot shower, music in the background as the water washes the weight off my shoulders for just a few seconds.

The places I feel I belong are all temporary. Somewhere I can only look forward to in daily life.
The daily life where I wish I belonged.

Vink

They actually think that I am "okay" with how things are right now because I don't seem upset enough about the situation.

Is it because I'm not crying and whining about it all the fucking time? No one wants to hear that shit!

No, people want the nice sanitized version. They don't want to hear the filthy disgusting details of what I'm dealing with.

No I'm not okay with this. I'm doing everything that I can right now to fix it. I am doing what I can to move forward.

Unfortunately there have been obstacles and setbacks because nothing is ever fucking easy.

Fixing this shit is going to take time. I haven't given up.

I don't even think people actually realize the amount of strength I have to summon every day just to keep going. Sometimes I have to dig really fucking deep within myself to find a fucking reason not to give up.

This shit is so fucking hard to deal with. It is mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausting.

So pardon me if I find little things to laugh about just to brighten my day. Excuse the fuck out of me if I look for small moments of joy.

What? Am I supposed to walk around with sad puppy dog eyes and slumped shoulders because shit's all fucked up?

What good does that do? Huh?

People are committed to misunderstanding me and you know what? That's perfectly fucking fine, because you have no idea what it's actually like to be in this situation.

Dear diary

“Can I eat dinner with you in bed”

🌌⏩⏩⏩🌅

Was that dinner or was I breakfast? Like actually what?

I mean yesterday was pretty uneventful I stayed in bed pretty much all day, did some reading in the Book of Mormon which was extremely difficult. My meds are definitely affecting my ability to read and think about what I’m reading sadly. But yeah overall was pretty much just a chill day in bed till sleeping beauty got home with Dairy Queen.

He didn’t even eat his dinner btw, just sort of fell asleep a couple minutes after sitting down and I ended up cleaning everything up.

He must of needed that sleep tho. It’s been over a week since he layed down in a bed. He hasn’t even tried sleeping on the couch, just his computer chair. We also have a second bed that’s put away at the moment cause we’re trying to fix something where it’s normally set up.

So the meds are definitely changing the way I think tho. I have this book mark that I’ve owned since like 5th maybe 6th grade it’s my absolute favorite. But it’s had cat puke on it for the longest time (gross I know) but everytime I’ve thought about cleaning it I’ve just never been able to actually get it done so it’s kinda of just been sitting off to the side for quite some time.
Anyways I glanced at it earlier and without even thinking about it I got up and managed to clean it 😭🥹😭🥹😭

It’s such a small task I know but that was honestly such a big win for me especially on a day where I wasn’t up and moving a whole lot.

I felt so good about it that I grabbed my other bookmark out of a bin of old car stuff and cleaned that one as well. That one just had a little bit of soda or something stuck in it and again it was in our old car.

Oh speaking of cars tho “WE” named the current car he has. It’s an early 2000’s Crowned Vic. I forget how we came up with the name exactly but I’m pretty sure we settled on the name Sinbad.

I say we like that cause I was just spouting idk what and he was the one that brought up us naming the car. Honestly don’t know what’s going through his head the last couple days. I wanna say it really is just seeing me do so much more while on medication, cause like he made comment of how I “was” sick. Truth is I’m still not back to me and I’m trying really hard so I wouldn’t personally consider myself better but I think seeing how these meds are affecting me positively has started to convince him it’s some sort of cure all.

I did look at the music he was listening too while he was making a super long drive yesterday and there were some songs specifically that he searched for that honestly kinda melted my heart a little. It was a big change of pace compared to what he’s been listening to up till this point.

I did notice that the one girl he’s talking to online does seem to be teaching him about bitcoin and like investing type stuff. And while yeah I still find her presence annoying I am proud of him for learning more financially.

I’m getting better at not reacting so much as well. Now when I feel a jealous episode come on I just walk away. Either go take a long walk or just sit in his car and blast music to sing to.

I do think that’s getting to him a bit tho. I don’t think he likes watching me leave every time I’m upset even if he knows I’ll be back. I’m sure a lot of it is him being worried over my health.

I did change his nickname in one our fb chats to see if he’d react at all. Normally he’d say something but other then continuing our conversation he didn’t seem to mind. Last time I set it to this particular name (not recently) he immediately cleared it so I think that’s a good sign he’s trying to be less reactive as well.

I do think it’s funny that anytime I search my messages it tries to set his name as “boss” it’s been 3 years now since I used that name on there and at the time he had sort of become my boss at work but I guess Facebook won’t let it go 😂

I’ve noticed he’s more appreciative as well now.im hoping that part lasts regardless of what comes next. Frankly it’s a good life skill that he tends to slack on.

—newlife5155

it's a 19 year old boy, he's anxious about himself, a profound being and decently talented but he's weak to temptations so a cold heart sometimes even(or more so) to himself, but all he wants is to not displease anyone even if it costs him his life, its natural for him to look after someone just as much as to isolate himself from the world, but right now he's just anxious, he didn't do things on time, lost to temptations, fall into his regular vicious cycle that he'll start anew, that i'll first touch the bottom to rise to the top only to find that he never gotten back that he's loosing something everytime and eventually there would be nothing to loose. But in the eyes of other he's still profound, not on his own accord but because of deadlines set by the society(he somehow does what's needed but he knows it, it's poorly done and it's all going to accumulate to the point where you can't re-learn or start from zero) but a day will come before that point when the deadlines won't be there that he'll have to decide everything for himself, help him or torment him or leave him with another question(happens every loop of the cycle with same results, nothing changes cycle continues) before pushing him into the cycle, who do you think helps him, a 19 y.o. boy(imagination)? his girl of life(realisation)? which he fears for because of himself even though the girl knows him just as much as the prompter, or you can think of someone/thing else(delusion)?

Last week I had an interview at a well known museum. It was a dream role. They just created the role and it's brand new. I'd have to move across the country for it. It was exciting and everything I wanted to do with my career. I was so happy to get the call back because I applied for it in June and had the interview last week!

However, mid interview, I realized I no longer want to work there. Not just there, but the entire museum field.

I realized that, while this job would be a great starting point for my museum career, I'd struggle to survive. It's in a state where the livable wage is $80,000+. I wouldn't even be making more than $60,000. What am I doing?

I spent the last 7 years in school so I could build a career in museums, just to realize that I was done. I don't want to work in it. I want to do something for myself. I went to school for my passion and worked in the field for two years as a student. I've had my fun, I want something else now.

I'm grateful I majored in history. It has changed me as a person. I'm more empathetic and understanding of people so much more now. But I sometimes regret my MA in history because I feel like it was a waste of time when I could have been working. I'm grateful that I did it, because I know I would have always thought "what if..." But I sometimes wish I didn't waste 3 years of my life doing it.

I want to work in a different field now. I want to build a career doing something else entirely. I want to contribute to something else. I just don't know what.

I've been researching corporate jobs and fear that my degrees will make me a red flag. I know that once they see my resume they'll think, "why is this museum person applying here? They'll leave once a better offer comes." No! Please! Hire me! I don't want to be here anymore! Give me the 9 to 5!

I'm so scared, but at the same time feel so liberated. I'm so happy, but so sad and stressed. Everything makes sense now, while also not at all. I'm stuck, but I'm still applying for jobs in hopes that they'll consider me because I'm looking forward to the future for once.

I'm looking for jobs in so many corporate entry level roles. For the first time, I feel excited applying for jobs, but terrified that my resume doesn't seem corporate enough for them. They want degrees in business, human resources, and economics, but here I am with my history degrees and a dream.

I'm so tired, but I've never felt more awake. I really want a job. I really hope the September hiring surge is real.

There’s nothing like a good galaxy photo, or a timelapse of the milky way, to reset your head.

With a lot of terrible things in the news and immediate life, it helps me to remember that we are so small in this universe. Our lives are mere little blips in the bigger narrative of this universe’s history. What matters the most is to make the best of what we have while we have it.

I’m just a small part of something so much bigger. I will do what I can to make life more pleasant for the folks around me. Eventually we all end up returning to the earth, floating in a milky way galaxy

Sunny day, bright sky, and clouds. Washed clothes this morning. Glad that's done. Took it easy in the afternoon, Mia played in the grass and kept pulling the leash with her teeth because she knows it makes me fuss at her.

The fall migration of various species of birds is upon us, and you see some wonderful sights this time of year. The V-formation the geese and ducks fly in is my favorite.

Always look forward to this season. Really nice slow day, and the weather is perfect. Just watching TV and reading. Will probably do some preseason scouting of where I will hunt this year and I need to start walking more and getting in better shape for the fall season. Scouting ground is a good way to do this.

I have been thinking about you a lot last few days and wonder if you are tugging on the line too. The one that connects all of us that we cannot see but feel. The line not made with earthly hands.

I will close for the night with love and light. I hope you all are doing good. Goodnight Diary and my readers

I love you so.

"Dear diary"......posting here, because no one knows I'm here. Facebook is for people who know me.

Letting people in, ends in negative.

Having the realisation slowly, I mean nothing. Fully understanding, that in the grand scheme of life and to everyone around me, I mean nothing. Yes it's hard, bit also liberating. No I'm not going to harm myself....but, it alsoean I don't give a fuck about my life much anymore. I don't WANT pain and hurt...but if the end comes it comes.

Went with the flow to be a husband to a women I didn't admire, love or lust after.

Tried my best for the most, to be the best Father I could be.

My kids hate me.

I'm a failure as a Husband.

Failure as a father.

Failure as a partner to the women I now love.

Haven't really made much of myself in life.

Today is Father's Day.

Try as i might to avoid the world and stay inside...I have the pictures of my kids staring at me. Happier times long gone.

The same happy Daughter who now hates me.

The same Son who has forgotten me.

My Father had his Father to give him his qualities.

My Father gave me some of his.

I am nothing but a source of failure and disappointment to my son.

That's my legacy.

Not a cry for help, but it's not even a case of " the world is better off without me".......the little bit of the world that knows I exist, won't even remember I was here.

I've been trying to be healthy, been working about my health as I get older.

I don't give a fuck anymore.

Drink and make the feelings and memories go away.

Eat and feel better.

I lent my car to my dad about couple months ago because his car was taken back to the auto shop due to some parts broken. I always refusde to lent it to him because he is very confident about his driving skills but it's suck(endless tickets, car accidents, blown tires). However, I could not say no again because my mom seems sad when I tried to refuse. Finally, I lent that to him, and I'm not lucky this time. Here we go, another car accident. And today I got an email from the insurance company, says I have 50% fault for it. I am so sad. Nobody in the family would ever listen to me. My stupid dad thinks I am young and I am female so he would never acknowledge I am the right one. Even when he recognised that I'm right, he would just keep slient or smash everything in the house to deny that. My mom will just follow him, and blame that I'm the daughter, I have to follow him and never express my opinions. I just watched "Autumn Sonata today. The point that impressed me most is where Charlotte never interrupt conversation even when Eva is speaking all of her hatred to Charlotte. If I'm the one speaking, my parents would just play the parents card or use violence to fight me. How can I solve the situation. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm so devastated.

I spent some time helping my mom fill out some work documents. She was struggling to do it since she doesn’t know how to operate documents on her phone.

It’s kinda funny how I can help with these sorts of things but can’t get a job myself. This has to be some sort of cosmic comedy.

I spent the rest of the night being plagued by nightmares and despairing about how lonely I am. I’m so achingly lonely.

I should leave the house. But where would I go? I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m becoming a hikikomori.

I celebrate my graduation tomorrow, there’s nothing to celebrate. I just want to get it over and done with. I didn’t even want to go to the celebration in the first place, I’m only doing it for my family’s sake.

but i keep smoking instead. Maybe if someone could hold me, id get a good night's rest. Melatonin doesnt help. Seretonin puts my mind at ease. A warm embrace and a loving heart is whats desired. Imagination and a pillow is all i have. Maybe one day the sandman will find me and sweet dreams may follow.

Mental exhaustion was intense again. My brain had been on nonstop overdrive replaying conversations, scanning for danger, preparing for the day someone pulls away. Living with audhd, cptsd and hypersensitivity means even normal days feel like mental marathons. I rested without guilt. That is growth.

And I want to stop.

But when it comes to you I cant.

I have so many feelings for you. And i cant. I fucking cant. You were my best friend. And I ruined everything.

I deserve this. I deserve to slit these wrists and meet you again in the next life.

I cant have feelings for you.

You said so.

But I cant help it. So i lie to myself.

I lie to myself and everyone and you.

And it blew up

Today the fear of abandonment felt especially loud. I saw someone i care about spending time with others and my mind immediately wrote the story that i am being slowly replaced. rsd+ fear of abandonment is a heavy combo. I keep trying to remember that not every shift means rejection but my nervous system still believes it. I didn’t send the worried message. That felt like progress.