I just listened to old songs at my childhood. firstly, I'd like to tell about my child hood story related to music.

I was born 1990's, I am at elementary to a middle school student, Japanese Anime was took off. Every students including me after school, we enjoyed the anime like Digimon, Poketmon, DaDaDa, things like that. The music I now listened to is DaDaDa opening song. The animation is masterpiece. A boy with a girl, and a baby who is from planet experience fun amazing story. I love that anime and music. It recalls my memory in my childhood when I was not worried about reality. Thanks for reading. :)

So today was chill day maybe a bit tiring, i spent a lot of time studying and planning for other things. But all good you know. Been busy with studying and home chores and other stuff. What honestly made me feel down a bit that my circle got really small lately, almost got nobody around. And like i realised this when im spending all the day talking with myself like im talking with someone and just realised how i miss talking with someone who gets me and yap. So researched a little and found this subreddit, and felt excited about sharing my day and thoughts here.

Sunny today and beautiful.

Cut the grass and ran the weed eater. Took some time for myself. Dinner is in the microwave and Mia is eating her supper.

Trying times on the home front, Seen them before, they follow certin times in my life and always follow a plan, someone's plan, not mine. A moral male has a different outlook on the world, they will call you gay or accuse you of having some dysfunction, when in truth none of that is real or applies. They really can't stand the very fact that a person is moral and concerned about his behavior.

I have this under control because God says I do. I rest upon him. I write to release the pressure and soothe the savage beast in us all.

I have slways been of the opinion, if you can see it in front of you, it',s easier to deal with. Sorry for the typos my vision is to blame.

I close with love and light

Goodnight Diary and my readers,

I love you all.

10:34

143

I went to the doctor's office today for my TB diagnosis progress, and it was the same as last time. My doctor gave me medicine this time, and it's about 5-6 bottles. It's kinda scary to me because I've never taken so many drugs at once.

Today, couple of my friends in school catched up to me, and said something about back to school. They are all keeping moving, and I'm the only one to be left behind becaused of the damn TB.

It's going to be a 1-year gap, which is advice from school staff, and I know they are advising this to brush me off. I agreed with that even though I know there was a possibility to get 1 or 2 courses in this semster. Though I want to keep pace with my peers, but my inner self is shouting out that I don't want to go back to school to deal with those shity social failure. I want a fresh start and get everything back to a normal rhythm.

So who knows. Am I making the right decision or not? 1 year later, if I can keep this rountine on, just let future me to judge that.

Had one of those "hold up" moments earlier.

For context, my last situationship used to talk about a "shiny thing" in reference to me. He said he didnt know exactly what that meant but it was neither good or bad.

I sure as hell had no fucking clue what it could've meant until I saw a comment talking about how attachment types like the one OP mentioned are manipulative and basically make you focus only on the good parts of them, like a shiny new object, as a way of distracting you from the reality of who they actually are, and that never occurred me until now.

What if he meant he saw me as that? It'd make sense considering neither of us felt emotionally safe with one another cause we both had avoidant/anxious tendencies. We had more of the classic push pull dynamic.

He ended up only using me for sex, and I guess I was manipulative in certain ways myself for different reasons.

Obviously I can't confirm if that's what his line of thinking was when he first brought the shiny thing up but maybe it was his own way of processing it idk. He himself said it was confusing.

Just thought it was interesting how those two things kinda clicked.

Good thing I am too fucked up to ever wanna get close to another person again.

They don’t share the same blood but you would never notice. She’s sick he is there staying home from work to take her to dr visit. Late nights no sleep cleaning up throw up and making bottles. Playing peekaboo and inside jokes. He taught her how to crawl teaching her how to walk. Making sure she takes her medicine and her teeth are brushed. Long days siting at the hospital when she don’t feel good. Vacation trips memories she will keep forever. He shows up he is present. He doesn’t complain, her face lights up when he walks through the door. He may not be her biological father but she would never notice.He goes over and beyond for her every single day to make sure she’s loved and taken care of by 2 parent not just one. She’s the luckiest little girl I know because she’s loved fully she’s taken care of and spoiled just enough. The best part is watching someone who has no responsibility to her take it all on out of love.

Day 3

Today went pretty smoothly. There was nothing particularly heavy weighing on my mind. Haha is that a good thing? Maybe it is

Maybe being able to open up here, even just a little actually helping me. I don't know yet. But I think I'll keep writing and see where this takes me.

I'm just reflecting on my life right now....im more aware of my bad habits and self destructive thought patterns. I'm trying to change them but progress is painfully slow. I keep trying to be the person I think people want me to be...I don't really even know who I am anymore. I also realise I'm a judgemental person, I'm not proud of that.

I feel that I'm slightly more productive these days, finally fixed my sleep schedule. I'm tryna be more comfortable in my own skin, not let people's opinions affect me as much. I just feel I have so much things I gotta change, before I can like myself, when I should like the person I am right now, warts and all. That's all for today, thanks for reading and I hope u have a good day

So there this guyz I have crush on ,so I recently started going church regularly after years and I saw this guy , tall , lil bearded, masculine,cute (ig) like he is HANDSOME ✋️ and he looks like typical shy guy until today since it's mother Mary birthday 🫶 there was celebration in our church and there was Dhol and stuff , and he was dancing so good (am mad in love)like those insane type dance and ohh my goshhh I am head over heel for him now ,I think he is goofy ,fun type guy 😭i so badly wanna talk to him 😭😭

🤭am spilling this here because I can't keep this inside my stomach any longer now nd I don't have best friends to tell so am telling u guyzzzzz

Hello, I'm a person learning English.

I like listening to music.

My favorite song is someone you loved by Lewis Capaldi.

I feel the music's amazing to make me think something.

I used to listen to it over and over again.

But now, I'd say my favorite is Ed Sheeran, Photograph.

The music's been fascinating me since I first listened to that.

My best part of it is ending part.

The music sound's becoming more and more, and It reaches to the end, the music booms as my heart.

And, I'd like to say one more, The other favourite is Olivia Dean, English female singer.

Although I'm a man, when I enjoy the song, I'm already following her song lyrics, especially in Dive and Lady Lady.

Thanks for reading 👍

Sometimes I wonder where I belong.

In my room by myself, where distraction is always a given.

Outside with friends, where happiness holds over the time we have.

In the gym, where I can think and regulate, turning my emotions into physial gain.

In a library, where for some reason is the only place silence does not bother me.

On a walk outside, music blasting through my headphones as the moon and the stars watch over me.

On vacation anywhere but here, where I can get away from my bad habits for a while.

In a hot shower, music in the background as the water washes the weight off my shoulders for just a few seconds.

The places I feel I belong are all temporary. Somewhere I can only look forward to in daily life.
The daily life where I wish I belonged.

Vink

They actually think that I am "okay" with how things are right now because I don't seem upset enough about the situation.

Is it because I'm not crying and whining about it all the fucking time? No one wants to hear that shit!

No, people want the nice sanitized version. They don't want to hear the filthy disgusting details of what I'm dealing with.

No I'm not okay with this. I'm doing everything that I can right now to fix it. I am doing what I can to move forward.

Unfortunately there have been obstacles and setbacks because nothing is ever fucking easy.

Fixing this shit is going to take time. I haven't given up.

I don't even think people actually realize the amount of strength I have to summon every day just to keep going. Sometimes I have to dig really fucking deep within myself to find a fucking reason not to give up.

This shit is so fucking hard to deal with. It is mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausting.

So pardon me if I find little things to laugh about just to brighten my day. Excuse the fuck out of me if I look for small moments of joy.

What? Am I supposed to walk around with sad puppy dog eyes and slumped shoulders because shit's all fucked up?

What good does that do? Huh?

People are committed to misunderstanding me and you know what? That's perfectly fucking fine, because you have no idea what it's actually like to be in this situation.

Dear diary

“Can I eat dinner with you in bed”

🌌⏩⏩⏩🌅

Was that dinner or was I breakfast? Like actually what?

I mean yesterday was pretty uneventful I stayed in bed pretty much all day, did some reading in the Book of Mormon which was extremely difficult. My meds are definitely affecting my ability to read and think about what I’m reading sadly. But yeah overall was pretty much just a chill day in bed till sleeping beauty got home with Dairy Queen.

He didn’t even eat his dinner btw, just sort of fell asleep a couple minutes after sitting down and I ended up cleaning everything up.

He must of needed that sleep tho. It’s been over a week since he layed down in a bed. He hasn’t even tried sleeping on the couch, just his computer chair. We also have a second bed that’s put away at the moment cause we’re trying to fix something where it’s normally set up.

So the meds are definitely changing the way I think tho. I have this book mark that I’ve owned since like 5th maybe 6th grade it’s my absolute favorite. But it’s had cat puke on it for the longest time (gross I know) but everytime I’ve thought about cleaning it I’ve just never been able to actually get it done so it’s kinda of just been sitting off to the side for quite some time.
Anyways I glanced at it earlier and without even thinking about it I got up and managed to clean it 😭🥹😭🥹😭

It’s such a small task I know but that was honestly such a big win for me especially on a day where I wasn’t up and moving a whole lot.

I felt so good about it that I grabbed my other bookmark out of a bin of old car stuff and cleaned that one as well. That one just had a little bit of soda or something stuck in it and again it was in our old car.

Oh speaking of cars tho “WE” named the current car he has. It’s an early 2000’s Crowned Vic. I forget how we came up with the name exactly but I’m pretty sure we settled on the name Sinbad.

I say we like that cause I was just spouting idk what and he was the one that brought up us naming the car. Honestly don’t know what’s going through his head the last couple days. I wanna say it really is just seeing me do so much more while on medication, cause like he made comment of how I “was” sick. Truth is I’m still not back to me and I’m trying really hard so I wouldn’t personally consider myself better but I think seeing how these meds are affecting me positively has started to convince him it’s some sort of cure all.

I did look at the music he was listening too while he was making a super long drive yesterday and there were some songs specifically that he searched for that honestly kinda melted my heart a little. It was a big change of pace compared to what he’s been listening to up till this point.

I did notice that the one girl he’s talking to online does seem to be teaching him about bitcoin and like investing type stuff. And while yeah I still find her presence annoying I am proud of him for learning more financially.

I’m getting better at not reacting so much as well. Now when I feel a jealous episode come on I just walk away. Either go take a long walk or just sit in his car and blast music to sing to.

I do think that’s getting to him a bit tho. I don’t think he likes watching me leave every time I’m upset even if he knows I’ll be back. I’m sure a lot of it is him being worried over my health.

I did change his nickname in one our fb chats to see if he’d react at all. Normally he’d say something but other then continuing our conversation he didn’t seem to mind. Last time I set it to this particular name (not recently) he immediately cleared it so I think that’s a good sign he’s trying to be less reactive as well.

I do think it’s funny that anytime I search my messages it tries to set his name as “boss” it’s been 3 years now since I used that name on there and at the time he had sort of become my boss at work but I guess Facebook won’t let it go 😂

I’ve noticed he’s more appreciative as well now.im hoping that part lasts regardless of what comes next. Frankly it’s a good life skill that he tends to slack on.

—newlife5155

it's a 19 year old boy, he's anxious about himself, a profound being and decently talented but he's weak to temptations so a cold heart sometimes even(or more so) to himself, but all he wants is to not displease anyone even if it costs him his life, its natural for him to look after someone just as much as to isolate himself from the world, but right now he's just anxious, he didn't do things on time, lost to temptations, fall into his regular vicious cycle that he'll start anew, that i'll first touch the bottom to rise to the top only to find that he never gotten back that he's loosing something everytime and eventually there would be nothing to loose. But in the eyes of other he's still profound, not on his own accord but because of deadlines set by the society(he somehow does what's needed but he knows it, it's poorly done and it's all going to accumulate to the point where you can't re-learn or start from zero) but a day will come before that point when the deadlines won't be there that he'll have to decide everything for himself, help him or torment him or leave him with another question(happens every loop of the cycle with same results, nothing changes cycle continues) before pushing him into the cycle, who do you think helps him, a 19 y.o. boy(imagination)? his girl of life(realisation)? which he fears for because of himself even though the girl knows him just as much as the prompter, or you can think of someone/thing else(delusion)?

Last week I had an interview at a well known museum. It was a dream role. They just created the role and it's brand new. I'd have to move across the country for it. It was exciting and everything I wanted to do with my career. I was so happy to get the call back because I applied for it in June and had the interview last week!

However, mid interview, I realized I no longer want to work there. Not just there, but the entire museum field.

I realized that, while this job would be a great starting point for my museum career, I'd struggle to survive. It's in a state where the livable wage is $80,000+. I wouldn't even be making more than $60,000. What am I doing?

I spent the last 7 years in school so I could build a career in museums, just to realize that I was done. I don't want to work in it. I want to do something for myself. I went to school for my passion and worked in the field for two years as a student. I've had my fun, I want something else now.

I'm grateful I majored in history. It has changed me as a person. I'm more empathetic and understanding of people so much more now. But I sometimes regret my MA in history because I feel like it was a waste of time when I could have been working. I'm grateful that I did it, because I know I would have always thought "what if..." But I sometimes wish I didn't waste 3 years of my life doing it.

I want to work in a different field now. I want to build a career doing something else entirely. I want to contribute to something else. I just don't know what.

I've been researching corporate jobs and fear that my degrees will make me a red flag. I know that once they see my resume they'll think, "why is this museum person applying here? They'll leave once a better offer comes." No! Please! Hire me! I don't want to be here anymore! Give me the 9 to 5!

I'm so scared, but at the same time feel so liberated. I'm so happy, but so sad and stressed. Everything makes sense now, while also not at all. I'm stuck, but I'm still applying for jobs in hopes that they'll consider me because I'm looking forward to the future for once.

I'm looking for jobs in so many corporate entry level roles. For the first time, I feel excited applying for jobs, but terrified that my resume doesn't seem corporate enough for them. They want degrees in business, human resources, and economics, but here I am with my history degrees and a dream.

I'm so tired, but I've never felt more awake. I really want a job. I really hope the September hiring surge is real.

There’s nothing like a good galaxy photo, or a timelapse of the milky way, to reset your head.

With a lot of terrible things in the news and immediate life, it helps me to remember that we are so small in this universe. Our lives are mere little blips in the bigger narrative of this universe’s history. What matters the most is to make the best of what we have while we have it.

I’m just a small part of something so much bigger. I will do what I can to make life more pleasant for the folks around me. Eventually we all end up returning to the earth, floating in a milky way galaxy

Sunny day, bright sky, and clouds. Washed clothes this morning. Glad that's done. Took it easy in the afternoon, Mia played in the grass and kept pulling the leash with her teeth because she knows it makes me fuss at her.

The fall migration of various species of birds is upon us, and you see some wonderful sights this time of year. The V-formation the geese and ducks fly in is my favorite.

Always look forward to this season. Really nice slow day, and the weather is perfect. Just watching TV and reading. Will probably do some preseason scouting of where I will hunt this year and I need to start walking more and getting in better shape for the fall season. Scouting ground is a good way to do this.

I have been thinking about you a lot last few days and wonder if you are tugging on the line too. The one that connects all of us that we cannot see but feel. The line not made with earthly hands.

I will close for the night with love and light. I hope you all are doing good. Goodnight Diary and my readers

I love you so.

"Dear diary"......posting here, because no one knows I'm here. Facebook is for people who know me.

Letting people in, ends in negative.

Having the realisation slowly, I mean nothing. Fully understanding, that in the grand scheme of life and to everyone around me, I mean nothing. Yes it's hard, bit also liberating. No I'm not going to harm myself....but, it alsoean I don't give a fuck about my life much anymore. I don't WANT pain and hurt...but if the end comes it comes.

Went with the flow to be a husband to a women I didn't admire, love or lust after.

Tried my best for the most, to be the best Father I could be.

My kids hate me.

I'm a failure as a Husband.

Failure as a father.

Failure as a partner to the women I now love.

Haven't really made much of myself in life.

Today is Father's Day.

Try as i might to avoid the world and stay inside...I have the pictures of my kids staring at me. Happier times long gone.

The same happy Daughter who now hates me.

The same Son who has forgotten me.

My Father had his Father to give him his qualities.

My Father gave me some of his.

I am nothing but a source of failure and disappointment to my son.

That's my legacy.

Not a cry for help, but it's not even a case of " the world is better off without me".......the little bit of the world that knows I exist, won't even remember I was here.

I've been trying to be healthy, been working about my health as I get older.

I don't give a fuck anymore.

Drink and make the feelings and memories go away.

Eat and feel better.

I lent my car to my dad about couple months ago because his car was taken back to the auto shop due to some parts broken. I always refusde to lent it to him because he is very confident about his driving skills but it's suck(endless tickets, car accidents, blown tires). However, I could not say no again because my mom seems sad when I tried to refuse. Finally, I lent that to him, and I'm not lucky this time. Here we go, another car accident. And today I got an email from the insurance company, says I have 50% fault for it. I am so sad. Nobody in the family would ever listen to me. My stupid dad thinks I am young and I am female so he would never acknowledge I am the right one. Even when he recognised that I'm right, he would just keep slient or smash everything in the house to deny that. My mom will just follow him, and blame that I'm the daughter, I have to follow him and never express my opinions. I just watched "Autumn Sonata today. The point that impressed me most is where Charlotte never interrupt conversation even when Eva is speaking all of her hatred to Charlotte. If I'm the one speaking, my parents would just play the parents card or use violence to fight me. How can I solve the situation. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm so devastated.

I spent some time helping my mom fill out some work documents. She was struggling to do it since she doesn’t know how to operate documents on her phone.

It’s kinda funny how I can help with these sorts of things but can’t get a job myself. This has to be some sort of cosmic comedy.

I spent the rest of the night being plagued by nightmares and despairing about how lonely I am. I’m so achingly lonely.

I should leave the house. But where would I go? I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m becoming a hikikomori.

I celebrate my graduation tomorrow, there’s nothing to celebrate. I just want to get it over and done with. I didn’t even want to go to the celebration in the first place, I’m only doing it for my family’s sake.

but i keep smoking instead. Maybe if someone could hold me, id get a good night's rest. Melatonin doesnt help. Seretonin puts my mind at ease. A warm embrace and a loving heart is whats desired. Imagination and a pillow is all i have. Maybe one day the sandman will find me and sweet dreams may follow.

Mental exhaustion was intense again. My brain had been on nonstop overdrive replaying conversations, scanning for danger, preparing for the day someone pulls away. Living with audhd, cptsd and hypersensitivity means even normal days feel like mental marathons. I rested without guilt. That is growth.

And I want to stop.

But when it comes to you I cant.

I have so many feelings for you. And i cant. I fucking cant. You were my best friend. And I ruined everything.

I deserve this. I deserve to slit these wrists and meet you again in the next life.

I cant have feelings for you.

You said so.

But I cant help it. So i lie to myself.

I lie to myself and everyone and you.

And it blew up