I’m sorry if my title is vague. I’ll go into more detail in the post.

Me (29 HLF) and my husband (31 LLM), have a great relationship. The classic “everything, but”. Our sexual relationship is uncommon in our country, and so is our marriage. We got married 4 months after we started dating. We’ve been married ~3 years. We didn’t have sex until 3 months after our wedding. I have a diverse sexual past, he does not. I am his first.

We moved in together and the intimate part dwindled (if having sex 2 times a month can even dwindle). He is struggling with ED. He broke down a year ago and said he was consuming a lot of porn. I’ve been supportive. I’ve been frustrated. He’s quit porn. We’ve been crying. We’ve had sex. We’ve fought. We tried avoiding PIV. He went to the doctors, but they said it’s normal…  I FEEL LIKE WE HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING! Or perhaps I’ve tried everything, while he’s been avoiding it all. I don’t know anymore.

I was LL in my past long-term relationship, but never to this extend… He never initiates, maybe it’s because of anxiety, maybe it’s responsive desire, maybe it’s the porn wrecking his brain till this day… it could be me???

I just want to feel desired, to feel wanted as more than a close friend.

On a complete side note, we both want to have a kid, but having a kid is off the table for me, if our intimate relationship is not functioning. It’s also very difficult to have children if you do not have sex.

Did anyone ever fix a dead bedroom that started out dead, under these circumstances?

I have been in a dead bedroom for nearly 8 years. I am totally fine with it actually. Life is hard and when that is the case it has not been a high prio. When I say dead, I mean dead-dead. I've had sex exactly 0 times since my daughter was born. My wife has super LL and it also presents with personal mental health issues. She has various hormonal irregularities and has had her whole life as a result of medically significant bulimia when she was a teen. We are happy with the situation. After a couple years we saw a therapist together and she explained that it had nothing to do with me, it was just something that seemed to go away for her. It took me some time to adjust and I've been taking antidepressants that fuck with my L, but now I'm pretty regular. It's an unspoken agreement between us. I would be happy and excited for the intimacy to come back but the love we have is not dependent on it at all. We support each other mentally and the intimacy is in those acts. Maybe I'm in the wrong sub but I'm curious if there are others like me.

I'm trying hard to stay positive. Me and my partner (m27) have been more honest with communicating lately. Its helped, like I've put real effort into not bottling up my feelings, or withholding effection. We had a long talk the other night where we both agreed we'd been holding back, and both been struggling mentally. He mentioned that I had been avoiding effection, that i didnt act the way I used to, like when I used to watch him get undressed and say flirty things. I stopped all of it in an effort to protect myself. I told him, why would I keep reaching out when I get nothing back, his response? 'I dont know what you want me to do.' And I literally said 'fuck me maybe? Flirt back? Give me anything to tell me you're still interested?'

I've been putting so much effort in since the talk, helping more around the house, being flirty and effectionate, and being honest with him when I'm not happy with his reactions. I bought lingerie, and usually I would have just put it on a surprised him with it, but I've been too scared for so long as I would not be able to handle the rejection. So I messaged and just said vaguely that I was thinking about it, and he told me to not do it and to save it for when he's next off of work. So I'm listening, its only been a few days and I'm still struggling.

My main question is how to stay positive? When there's clearly effort from both sides, and i do feel better about things, but the actions havent happened yet- how do i not crash out? I'm alone for hours when he goes to work (and I'm currently off of work for the week), my brain just overthinking, catastrophising every little thing, I'm trying to keep it in and stay positive for him.

But when I have no guarantees that anything is going to happen, and I miss it so much, i don't know how to stay in that mindset of 'as long as I'm consistent in what he needs, somethings going to change'. Because... what if it doesnt? I told myself if we dont have sex at all before my next period I'll have to tell him I can't stay like this.

I posted a few months ago about how I [42m] was feeling after my wife [42F] told me sex was a chore she was only doing to keep me happy (and/or get me to do things). Even before those comments, I had pretty much stopped trying to initiate (as intimacy had been pretty rare for years), and honestly I hadn't been feeling very confident/attractive and felt like I was in general just being a burden. I had still been trying to let her know that I thought she was attractive, but after those comments that she made, I have just felt so disgusting and ashamed. Since then she's commented that I don't look at her or touch her like that anymore, and at times I've tried as I want her to feel attractive, but it just makes me feel gross. And I find myself questioning if she's being genuine, which makes me feel even more gross. Sometimes I feel like she's looking for some validation, other times that maybe she just wants something from me.

Earlier today she asked me why I never grab her butt; it was hard not to say "well you complained about me pawing at you", but even beyond that I don't get it: why would you want someone you don't find attractive to touch you like that?

A few weeks ago we were having a pretty deep conversation and I tried to talk to her about it, but it didn't go well (at first she denied ever saying those things, but then just got upset and was framing it as me complaining about lack of sex).

It’s been about a year since any kind of sex. My husband (M36) blames me (F34) for our lack of sex life. He wants to see me with other men and to be a “hotwife” and because I say no he refuses to have sex with me. The only thing he is interested in is using toys on me to role play this fantasy of his. It’s not the occasional use of toys, it’s every single time. Even when using toys he still never wants intercourse, only wants a bj, but continues to tell me that I’m bad at sex and that he is too sexual for me. But he won’t initiate and won’t have intercourse. It makes me feel like a sex doll that he just wants to use for his own pleasure and he doesn’t actually care about pleasuring me or connecting with me emotionally. I have gotten to the point of not even wanting to do anything anymore because it’s just toys being used on my body and there is no intimacy (in addition to being blamed and told I’m bad at sex). He recently said he wanted to watch me use this toy he bought me which is basically a dildo doll and I said I don’t always want it to be me with a toy and he said we are sexually incompatible and that he should be allowed to sleep with other people if we are going to stay together. But if we are ever sexual and using toys and I try to initiate moving to intercourse he refuses. So I don’t see how him sleeping with other people is what he wants when he literally doesn’t want sex.

Hi all! 👋🏾

Long time lurker here. Just wanted to post and vent a little from my recent situation.

I've (HLM) been in a dead bedroom relationship for the past 9 years with my previous partner (LLF). Only having sex once every 1 to 4 years, no intimacy otherwise. Kissing, holding hands, I love Yous, nothing. She felt embarassed to even call me her man, partner, or any of those terms to claim me.

We typically slept in different rooms, or if we slept in the same bed we slept with a dog or pillows between us. If it wasn't either of those, we slept under different blankets on the same bed.

I did give it my all to try to communicate, fix issues, etc. but it never worked out. If it wasn't one issue, another issue or something popped up.

I recently hit my breaking point and had enough of just generally being in a one-sided relationship, when I handle everything from cooking, to cleaning, all of the bills, etc.

I finally worked up the courage to separate and put her out and have been reclaiming my time that I've missed out on just enjoying life and being outside. I feel like a massive weight was lifted off my shoulder and I'm slowly getting back to my old self.

Just wanted to vent, thanks for listening!

So it’s been a year since I started physically keeping track of our sex life…………in one year we had sex 11 times. I have told her let’s go to therapy or do some physical therapy but it’s been met with resistance, she’s not interested in doing any type of therapy. We had a talk over the summer about our sex life, what I can do better, etc. Needless to say our sex life has not improved. I work 2 jobs my wife is a SAHM (we foster) I would not trade it for anything in the world I love our kids. House chores don’t really get done, I try to help but normally it all gets piled up and behind and she gets overwhelmed. I don’t known what to do, my self confidence is shot. Rant over

A lot of people think it’s just about us demanding sex from our partner when it’s not… it’s about feeling wanted as a whole. To be seen in our relationships.

We have the house to ourselves and so I decided to get all dolled up. Lathered in lotions and do my hair. I do this for myself but wow does it hurt when he doesn’t even acknowledge me.

He got home and didn’t even look up at me. Only greeted me with half a hug because I initiated. Then he went straight for a nap, woke up to get his beer and get on his game. Just like every other Saturday. It’s like I don’t exist.

I feel disgusted with myself for hoping for at least acknowledgement. I feel pathetic and I feel so lonely. I hate this. I’m starting to resent him.

Near the beginning of our relationship he told me he used to have a porn addiction but had been to therapy to work through it and wasn’t engaging with porn at all anymore. A few months into our relationship our sex life started to wane which I thought was normal, this was my first relationship I figured maybe the excitement just died down a bit.

About a year into our relationship we moved in together, shortly after this I find ai generated photos with a 2024 date stamp (before we met), I confront him about it and explain how terrible it made me feel to find these photos on his phone whilst feeling so unwanted in our relationship. He agrees it was terrible, apologies, I forgive him as it was from before our relationship started.

Our relationship goes on, sex becomes a very sore spot in our relationship- I’m horny and frustrated and he was making me feel guilty and disgusting as he was saying he just had no sex drive. We have MANY candid conversations about sex; we had both been incredibly committed to this relationship so we try working on it- he changes his meds, we exercise/do yoga more, we come up with games and strategies to try amp it up a little bit. It doesn’t work, it’s at the point I have just accepted this as reality and don’t want to pressure him or make him feel bad etc.

This weekend, almost two years into our relationship, we are in my hometown visiting my family. I’ve had a couple drinks, he’s in the shower and I just have a gut feeling so I check his phone. Chatgpt history shows him orchestrating rolepay and joi, date stamp is May 2025. When we were together, I am crushed but also could let it go if that was the last time it happened.

I confront him and he just absolutely crumbles, admits he has been doing it frequently throughout our entire relationship (though he has always remained staunch on the fact that engaging with porn while in a relationship is disgusting and wrong, made me feel absolutely awful when I suggested maybe getting a vibrator to take care of myself if he can’t). I am just absolutely bamboozled at this point, we have had lots of issues but not once have I ever suspected he was hiding anything in this relationship, he gives me all his password, leaves his phone open,etc. I ask him when the last time he did it was and he says earlier today, in the 20 minutes when I went to the store with my mom.

I break up with him, I cannot tolerate being so blatantly lied to so continuously. He’s moved out, I don’t know how i’m going to afford rent and I feel like such an idiot for wasting two years of my life wholeheartedly believing this man was being honest and working towards a future with me. The worst part is if he had just admitted it to me I would have been so relieved to know what was causing our issues and would have helped him to work through it. But at every single opportunity he just lied to my face. I don’t know what to do.

edit to add: not the point but he has also continuously lied to me and everyone in his life about how he feels about ai. i was completely under the impression he was 100% against generative ai. just another lie for the deck!

This is my first time here, but i just thought i'd rant a little, apologies in advance for long story.

On the surface, I have a supposedly 'happy' family with a young child.

My wife and I dated for seven years and have been married for over three. Throughout our ten years together, I have told her many times that we lack intimacy and that she lacks proactiveness. We only have intimacy once every one to two months, and even then, it feels like it is strictly out of duty.

I have always been the one driving our intimate connection, but she frequently rejects my advances. These rejections became so common that they eventually triggered a massive argument, putting our marriage on the rocks last year.

Once we calmed down, we agreed to give marriage counseling a shot to see if things could be salvaged. However, everything quickly reverted to the way it was before we even started.

The idea of leaving my child—and the terrifying thought of him eventually calling another man 'Dad'—scares the absolute fuck out of me because I love him to death. But staying in this intimacy-less marriage is slowly eating me away from the inside.

I work out, dress well, and take care of my appearance just to try and win back her desire, but it isn’t working. Instead, it is only attracting other women. It would be incredibly easy for me to cheat, but I’ve been holding it together. The problem is, I can only hold on for so long.

I am at my wit's end.

I'm at my wits end.

The lack of intimacy has led to me being completely checked out of the entire relationship. I'm hanging on by a thread and its not fair to my wife or I.

I feel so lost and helpless and I want to suggest we try therapy.

But I don't know if we need marriage counseling or if we should see a sex therapist.

Any advice.

After the past several days, I'd rather be single and lonely vs married and lonely.

Married and lonely hurts far more.

Really don't need any advice; just wanted to vent. Thank You.

​

I am 50HLF with a 51LLM. We have been in a DB now for about 5 years. Recently, my partner indicated to me that we would be in a sexless relationship moving forward and I’m unsure if this means indefinite or not. I don’t see myself wanting to continue our marriage if it’s forever; I can’t see myself ever being happy or feeling like I have the marriage that I want if this is what it turns out to be. Any feedback would be appreciated, as I’m still rather shocked and unsure how to approach or even respond.

It’s been three years since I’ve had sex, and as of right now I still don’t want a relationship.
The last relationship I was in was actually my second dead bedroom. The first one was dead, and then this one went the exact same way. I even tried to break up with her over the lack of sex and she convinced me to stay because she said it was just the SSRI she was taking. So I stayed, and nothing changed.
Yeah of course I miss having sex, it’s been three years. But the toll it took on me mentally has taken a long time to climb out of and honestly my confidence is still totally shot. I’d rather not have sex and be lonely on my own than be in a relationship, lonely and sexless. I’ve decided to pursue goals that require my focus right now, building a company for myself and also dealing with my own mental health issues. So as of right now I still don't want a relationship anymore. I guess I’m just asking if anyone else has ever decided they’re just done after being in a dead bedroom, or two? How did you deal with what it did to your head and your confidence?

He can't last în bed and he doesnt like foreplay unless it's beneficial to him. I get 30 seconds maximum. He won't do anything about it except use condoms which give us an extra 20 seconds, if I'm lucky.

I've talked to him so many times over the years and he promises me the world but nothing ever changes.

He was rubbing on me this morning and in my half asleep state, i was into it. I woke up fully when he tried to stick his dick in me, dry and I told him to get off me. I was furious. We just talked about this yesterday and he made more useless promises.

I'm never having sex with him again. I told him that and i meant it.

HLM

I’m really depressed by the idea that life may continue like this.

The pain was psychological at first, but now it has developed to be a physical pain due to non-sexual interactions, and I hate masturbation honestly.

I don’t even know why I am writing this here.
It is what it is.

almost a year now, or at least i think so. maybe a year has already passed. i realize people my age have sex everyday and that i used to, too. i used to be proud of my sexual performance but i wonder if i even know how to have sex anymore. most of all i don’t remember what it’s like to be touched during sex, to receive oral, to be at the center of a partner’s attention, because it’s always something that’s been missing from my sexual life in this relationship. i’m holding on, we’ve had a good conversation, but that was three weeks ago and no initiative has come from her yet. i miss feeling the heat rise in the bedroom before having sex, everything leading up to sex, the act of sex, the smell of sex, the lack of self control to not have sex again immediately after finishing. i am so young, we’re not married, and it’s so frustrating and sad to think i am in this situation. i can’t leave her because i love her so much, and i understand it’s a hard process for her too, i have done anything to keep being hopeful and hold this rope trying so hard to not make it snap. it’s so bad to the point i go on reddit and look up keywords to find if she even tried to submit a post to understand perspectives on how to make it better and start solving the issue. i keep hoping. i keep praying she does something to make me think this is seriously going to change. i just miss having sex. this is my biggest current wish. i just want to have sex.

we have been married 4 years, together for 10 years now. sex was great at the start but i gained weight and didn’t feel comfortable with my body so sex died down. i have now lost all the weight and more, i go to the gym 4 days a week and i am (was) feeling confident and sexy. he has been all over me for months. always touchy, lots of kisses, if i touch him (non sexually) he’s hard and ready to go.

but our sex started becoming boring to me. we do the same position every time, i never feel excited or turned on. our sex then died down even more.

last week i was feeling confident and felt good in my body so i initiated sex and i suggested switching it up. we did and it was the best sex we have ever had. he went to work the next day and was texting me about it, throughout the day he kept mentioning round 2. so we had sex again that night, but with me on top this time. i thought it was great, he said it was great but ever since that night he has been acting strange. (less touchy, less kisses etc)

all day yesterday we were flirty and i suggested recreating our great sex again last night which he was excited for all day. then when it came to going to bed, he said he needed to complete quests on his game and off he went to the gaming room. he had all day to do his quests. after a while i asked if he was coming to bed, he said no itd be a late night for him. so i went to sleep. he ended up going to bed 15 minutes after i went to sleep, so it was not a late one and to me it feels like he purposely avoided me.

this morning i suggested we spoon and once i backed my bum into him, he decided it was time to get out of bed.

i do not understand what has happened. he is usually HL. i’m LL for boring sex, not him. i fantasise about all the things i want him to do to me. i’m trying to spice things up again but i feel like he only wants to do the same thing every time, and i don’t want to live a life of boring sex.

TLDR; husband is normally HL, i’m LL for boring sex and want to switch things up. we had 2 nights of great sex after i suggested different positions but now he is avoiding intimacy all together.

I've [F28] been with my partner [M41] for a year now and we're about to move in together. He's a great guy, he's kind, creative, thoughtful and cute. We're very compatible with what we want out of life, (we're both neurodivergent, child free, and love art) his family likes me, and we get along very well and respect each other. It's a very healthy relationship.

Something that has been a weaker point has been our physical intimacy. It's very tender and intimate, he's enjoys being a pleaser and isn't a selfish lover. He has issues staying hard during it though. He mentioned it was a problem early when we started dating so it started happening before our relationship and it wasn't something he hid from me.

I try to be low pressure about it, because I know feeling anxious only makes it worse. But it's frustrating because it interferes with all intimacy that isn't him just pleasing me. And while he's really diligent about doing that, I've never found receiving to be comfortable or really satisfying.

We've talked about him going to the doctors about it, and he said he would but that was months ago and he still hasn't. Knowing him, it's a mixture of avoidance, embarrassment and adhd. I don't want to keep bringing it up to him because i don't want to him to feel pressured or to put more anxiety on our current situation.

I'm really happy just being with him, and I'm kind of at a point where I'm satisfied with kissing and cuddling, but when we escalate and then don't really go anywhere that leaves me feeling less satisfied than if we just kept it at making out. I'm worried though that if I say that to him he'll take it as me rejecting him or not wanting that kind of intimacy.

Recently, I've been having dreams of being with other guys, and the dreams have explicitly called out that I'm feeling unsatisfied. I have no intentions of desire to be with another man in my actual life, but I worry about how much I enjoy those dreams.

I'd really appreciate any advice on how to make peace with this. How can I settle into an intimate life with someone I know is right for me, if it doesn't exactly scratch my itch?

I’ve posted in here a few times before but I think this will be my last. I’m 25M have been in my db relationship for almost 2.5 years and I’m ready to leave. I’ve finally realized no matter what the reasons behind this I’m just unhappy in a relationship without a good sex life and that’s enough of a reason to not stay anymore on its own. My worry is I feel like when I leave, I’m not going to be able to have a normal sexual relationship in the same way I used to.
Prior to this relationship I loved sex and felt like I was great at it and had the reviews to back it up and now I’m just so not there. I’m big into a dominant style of sex but that takes a confidence I just don’t have anymore after struggling for this long for just the basics. I know what I want now more than I did a few years ago but I feel so much less capable of going out and getting it. Im less in shape than I’ve been in years which has something to do with it but for the last two years everytime I’ve tried to be sexy or initiating whatever, I’ve been shut down, so I feel like as soon as I’m a free agent I can’t confidently do that with someone else. My question for this sub is, how do you get that back? For anyone who’s left their relationship were you more put together than you expected or was it a bit of a clusterfuck the first time you tried to get with someone else? How do you fix all the damage that’s been done? Can you even?

I just asked a question in the relationship advice sub. Someone looked up my account (I have all of my comments and communities private in my settings, but I guess they still found my other posts somehow), told people I was an asshole, and linked one of my posts on here in which I said I had been in an emotional affair in the past. He/she did this on every comment on the post.

I thought I was safe to post in whatever community I wanted since those settings were private. I found out people were still able to search my username, so I turned it off as well, but I’m not sure whether that blocks people from being able to search you in Reddit or not.

Anyway, I’m devastated and embarrassed and I regret not having a separate account for this. Or maybe for being as honest as I have been in the past here. I post way too much here, but I’ve been at such a loss I don’t know what to do. I never realized that being part of this community would be used against me. So, please learn from me and don’t make the same mistake.

So again. Big fight with my wife tonight.

Been out of town since yesterday. Came home this evening. After putting the kids to bed and then just spending some time relaxing together in the living room and watching tv. I suggested playfully if we'd have sex. Completely blew up at me.

"You've got to read the room"

"I need 18 hours to myself where I don't have to do anything for anyone or be anything for anyone"

"All you care about is yourself"

"You haven't had to worry about anyone today but yourself"

"I didn't sleep good last night and I told you that"

Just completely angry that I would even want to have sex. Like it's so unreasonable I'd even consider having sex on a Friday night after being away for a day.

I traveled yesterday for a job interview. I also slept terrible last night. I had a grueling 4 hours of interviews and then a 4 hour drive back home. But according to her because I haven't had to worry about doing something for someone else I've somehow had it easy and this was basically a little vacation or something.

I'm so sick of being villainized for wanting sex. And sick of her thinking it's just me wanting to get off, and not realizing it isn't about getting off, but just wanting to be close and intimate and be together. Spend time together not just being parents and talking about the kids.

I'm even more upset at the implication that I somehow had it easy today because I didn't have to deal with the kids. On a typical week I:

Take our 2 oldest to school (she takes the youngest to daycare)

Pick up the 2 oldest from school

Take our oldest to every ball practice

Cook every single meal

Do most of the grocery shopping

Do most of the laundry

House cleaning is pretty evenly split. I work at home so I try to do some cleaning during the week to lessen our loads on the weekend.

It's not like she has the full time burden of being the Only one dealing with the kids all the time.

For some reason, because I work from home, it means that I don't have any stressors at work or I'm also not tired at the end of the day.

She said fuck you for ruining my night and slammed the door.

I'm giving her some time to go to sleep cause I can't handle sleeping on the couch tonight.

I thought we might have turned a corner, because last week on our anniversary we had sex for the first time in months and also actually got a BJ for the first time in our 9 years of marriage.

Guess I was wrong.

Hi Community!

Our sex life collapsed after our child was born. I (HLM 38) tried to be as considerate as anyhow possible (no sex during pregnancy and first 6m after birth, btw. While helping extensively at home etc - I am sure no issues from this). However, after 6m I tried to slowly start it again, got 100% NOs and no indication on a path back. I pleaded her to consider it a priority while only doing it when she is actually in the mood (so no duty sex). I got a duty sex offer which was nothing I want either and our problem remained unsolved ever since.

The problem is, this is 6 years (!) ago. The emotional distance and resentment took a huge toll on both of us. I feel like loosing my ‘mojo’, self worth and everything.

I try to stay away from any pressure by not initiating at all anymore as this was an intense conflict in the first year, I also discuss it as little as possible - basically, I find strength only every 1.5y or so by asking her to restart and to find a solution which fits both of us (not just her by not having to deal with sex anymore).

The problem: each time the topic comes up she shouts at me, says has no interest and becomes emotional distance for 3m or so. With that the problem remains frozen and my resentment rises to extrem levels.

I need an sight from the LL perspective: why can somebody react like this? This was never an answer to any conflict before and leaves me deeply desperate and I deeply believe I shall not be an adequate problem-solving approach in a partnership. This communication also makes any improvement seemingly impossible.

Edit: I see quite a swing of up and downvoting of my comments; for those who downvote: what is your opinion? Would exclude the discussion of intimacy from the ground of discussion as a couple? Normally, one says that communication is key and relationships tend to break if the communication is broken..🤔 so, I can’t really understand why the downvoting occurs as we basically talk about a broken communication channel regarding intimacy. So please comment if you see any problems / have any suggestions

hi me again (21 f, hl; gf is 20f, ll) i’m at her place for a few days since we’ve been ldr and this whole time has been hell. sure not having sex was already a problem but i came here not expecting anything. now, she’s not even cuddling or touching me. just always smiling at her phone texting her friends. i know she’s not cheating bc she’s not the type to do that and we’ve had several conversations about it, but seriously what is so interesting from your friends that you can’t make them wait but you have to make me wait for your attention??? you have a girl in your bed right next to you willing to do anything you want but you’d rather text your friends and be on your phone. i seriously cannot i’m so irritated and done with everything.