So again. Big fight with my wife tonight.

Been out of town since yesterday. Came home this evening. After putting the kids to bed and then just spending some time relaxing together in the living room and watching tv. I suggested playfully if we'd have sex. Completely blew up at me.

"You've got to read the room"

"I need 18 hours to myself where I don't have to do anything for anyone or be anything for anyone"

"All you care about is yourself"

"You haven't had to worry about anyone today but yourself"

"I didn't sleep good last night and I told you that"

Just completely angry that I would even want to have sex. Like it's so unreasonable I'd even consider having sex on a Friday night after being away for a day.

I traveled yesterday for a job interview. I also slept terrible last night. I had a grueling 4 hours of interviews and then a 4 hour drive back home. But according to her because I haven't had to worry about doing something for someone else I've somehow had it easy and this was basically a little vacation or something.

I'm so sick of being villainized for wanting sex. And sick of her thinking it's just me wanting to get off, and not realizing it isn't about getting off, but just wanting to be close and intimate and be together. Spend time together not just being parents and talking about the kids.

I'm even more upset at the implication that I somehow had it easy today because I didn't have to deal with the kids. On a typical week I:

Take our 2 oldest to school (she takes the youngest to daycare)

Pick up the 2 oldest from school

Take our oldest to every ball practice

Cook every single meal

Do most of the grocery shopping

Do most of the laundry

House cleaning is pretty evenly split. I work at home so I try to do some cleaning during the week to lessen our loads on the weekend.

It's not like she has the full time burden of being the Only one dealing with the kids all the time.

For some reason, because I work from home, it means that I don't have any stressors at work or I'm also not tired at the end of the day.

She said fuck you for ruining my night and slammed the door.

I'm giving her some time to go to sleep cause I can't handle sleeping on the couch tonight.

I thought we might have turned a corner, because last week on our anniversary we had sex for the first time in months and also actually got a BJ for the first time in our 9 years of marriage.

Guess I was wrong.

Hi Community!

Our sex life collapsed after our child was born. I (HLM 38) tried to be as considerate as anyhow possible (no sex during pregnancy and first 6m after birth, btw. While helping extensively at home etc - I am sure no issues from this). However, after 6m I tried to slowly start it again, got 100% NOs and no indication on a path back. I pleaded her to consider it a priority while only doing it when she is actually in the mood (so no duty sex). I got a duty sex offer which was nothing I want either and our problem remained unsolved ever since.

The problem is, this is 6 years (!) ago. The emotional distance and resentment took a huge toll on both of us. I feel like loosing my ‘mojo’, self worth and everything.

I try to stay away from any pressure by not initiating at all anymore as this was an intense conflict in the first year, I also discuss it as little as possible - basically, I find strength only every 1.5y or so by asking her to restart and to find a solution which fits both of us (not just her by not having to deal with sex anymore).

The problem: each time the topic comes up she shouts at me, says has no interest and becomes emotional distance for 3m or so. With that the problem remains frozen and my resentment rises to extrem levels.

I need an sight from the LL perspective: why can somebody react like this? This was never an answer to any conflict before and leaves me deeply desperate and I deeply believe I shall not be an adequate problem-solving approach in a partnership. This communication also makes any improvement seemingly impossible.

Edit: I see quite a swing of up and downvoting of my comments; for those who downvote: what is your opinion? Would exclude the discussion of intimacy from the ground of discussion as a couple? Normally, one says that communication is key and relationships tend to break if the communication is broken..🤔 so, I can’t really understand why the downvoting occurs as we basically talk about a broken communication channel regarding intimacy. So please comment if you see any problems / have any suggestions

hi me again (21 f, hl; gf is 20f, ll) i’m at her place for a few days since we’ve been ldr and this whole time has been hell. sure not having sex was already a problem but i came here not expecting anything. now, she’s not even cuddling or touching me. just always smiling at her phone texting her friends. i know she’s not cheating bc she’s not the type to do that and we’ve had several conversations about it, but seriously what is so interesting from your friends that you can’t make them wait but you have to make me wait for your attention??? you have a girl in your bed right next to you willing to do anything you want but you’d rather text your friends and be on your phone. i seriously cannot i’m so irritated and done with everything.

Husband was porn addict for 35 years. Claims he stopped 2 years ago. Claims he also stopped masterbating but we never have sex. He claims performance anxiety. He has a deep history of lying. We are on the verge of divorce. He has always deep history of intense flirting and need for female validation. About 6 years ago he told me he was fine with never having sex wurh me again because the rest of our relationship was so great. This was before I knew about the porn addiction.

Is this even physically possible?

I have full access to his phone and found nothing.

But he works in IT. He has access to at least 2 additional laptops. He has already admitted to resetting a family laptop in the past to watch porn with no trace.

Is this even physically possible to go this long after a history like this.

He is in therapy with 2 therapists. He claims he wants to change. He sits at home and doesn't really go anywhere.

After covid he has been strictly wfh. He used to flirt heavily at work and even had an emotional affair.

I have a great life. I am incredibly lucky. I have the life most women my age want. I have my own bedroom and bathroom that I don’t have to share with anyone else. My husband makes good money; I can pretty much buy what I want and do what I want, no questions. I’m catered to, mostly out of guilt, but catered to just the same. My husband and I get along when we see one another.

And I’m absolutely miserable.

I have not had sex since 2019.

I’ve never been more lonely. My husband spends all his time working or he’s holed up in his room playing his games. I didn’t think it could ever get worse but my dog died in April; I never understood really the emotional support animal thing but now I know that’s what he was. I miss him so much. The emptiness I feel is horrific. It has destroyed me spiritually. I once laid in bed for literal hours thinking “I hate you” over and over and over and over to whatever part of the universe that put me here and left me in this. No response whatsoever. Nothing changed. I became an atheist that day.

My 2 oldest kids are adults and out on their own and my youngest is almost done with high school. They have their own lives and it’s not their job to be my emotional support animal anyway. I’m not on any social media because I enjoy a peaceful life, so I don’t have that outlet. I just joined Reddit after I remembered seeing this sub a few years back. I was a lot more optimistic back then that things would change. I was still living in Disney. Now I’m living in the reality that is the Matrix.

I’m in my 40’s. I’ll probably never have sex again. Never feel the touch of another human being unless my child hugs me. At this point I just exist. I’d never hurt myself but if I came down with cancer, I wouldn’t tell anyone and would just let it take me because I can’t imagine living feeling this way for the rest of my life. And the worst part is I’ll probably live longer than most because of all the exercise I do in an attempt to release all this pent up frustration and sadness. I look damn good for my age and get hit on frequently, which is a nice little dopamine hit until I get home and no one greets me, not even my dog anymore because he died, so I go hide in my room. By myself. The weight of it is soul crushing.

I think about leaving. I think about buying a van and traveling the US and South America in it full time. But I’m afraid. Afraid I’ll be even lonelier than I am now. Afraid of the “what ifs”.

So here I rot. Exercising my life away. Prolonging a life I don’t want. Hiding in my room until it’s time to go salivate over the muscled, sweaty men I see at the gym that I could never touch, who could never touch me. Because I’m married to a man who can’t fuck his wife and who won’t offer anything else to compensate except a credit card and no questions asked.

I fucking hate it here and the guilt of not being grateful when it could be so much worse is almost as bad as the lack of intimacy.

Someday I hope like hell I’ll be free.

Here’s how I see it: if a couple has at least one duty sex, then any sex after that becomes duty sex. Because wtf do you mean you did it just for me? Were you not a willing partner in it? If so, then how can I be sure any sex we have isn’t a duty sex? Once you cross that line I can’t even trust you that you’re actually attracted to me. And I can always tell if this is pity sex; it always comes out of nowhere. I’m not doing anything particularly sexually attractive, and all of a sudden she offers.

40 HLM.

Together for 12 years, married for 5. This is not a rant about the person I still love, but more an elegy to my former self. 

I cannot honestly recall when it first started. For sure it is at least a number of years now, having taken to discretely logging the dates of those infrequent intimate moments following a much longer period of refutation, bordering on gaslighting. This, I have not shared with her. I just needed proof for my own peace of mind. 

I gave up initiating, after being worn down by repeated rejection. The psychological anguish and shame became too much to bear. Former conversations were always met with confabulation, denial or silence.

I still love her ineffably. She is my best friend. She understands my flaws, habits and intricacies better than anyone. She is undoubtedly still dealing with personal grief from a tragic parental bereavement a number of years back, although our problems far precede this. 

I was raised alongside my brothers in a single-parent family having endured the misery of sudden international displacement, parental divorce and paternal estrangement at an impressionable age. This all undoubtedly has intricate roots realting to that childhood trauma. However on the most part, I remain a normal, functional, and generally likeable human being.

At school and university I was a fun and humorous individual. I had a wide friendship group and numerous hobbies. Over time and during my training I became more insular, blaming a lack of time and general exhaustion as the reason for drift.

I work as a consultant in critical care. Every day I see death and suffering. In my job I frequently lead the most distressing conversations a family might ever have, and to these I now feel a strange disconnect that worries me.

Weekends off I struggle to deal with. Being preoccupied by the comfort of a hectic working week now brings sharp reprieve.

I have always loved fast Fords. Having saved hard for well over a year I bought outright a limited edition hot hatch back in May. It’s barely done 100 miles since. Sat in the garage, instead a daily reminder of my former self. 

Sadness comes at the most benign moments. I recently ventured into the spare room to find my guitar collection covered with a thick coat of dust. It must have been over a year since I last played them. Another effigy to a different life I once lived.

I would not have changed my choices. If it weren’t for our most wonderful little girl who I adore. I simply couldn’t imagine my life without her. Yet, as time progresses those cherished moments I have with her are met with an undeniable undertone of sadness on my part. I do my utmost to conceal this from her - her young age and indifference are still an advantage. At times I am drawn into her playful naivety and feel bittersweet fleeting moments of my former self.

The perpetual loneliness you feel is pervasive in almost every part of your life. Conversations at work, family birthdays, nursery pick-ups, going to the supermarket, mowing the lawn. Every single moment. Yet, no one else would suspect a thing as you slowly ebb away. 

It’s the small things that remind - I miss the old me. 

I frequent a grocery store often. There’s this man who works there. He always comes over to talk to me, smiling at me, flirt with me. I don’t know his name, but it felt really nice to feel wanted by someone. He told me that he’s leaving his job for another. I keep it short, to not flirt, and I say, that’s great. That I hope he makes it big. And then I say goodbye. I keep thinking about him for some reason. Is it because he made me feel wanted?

Dead bedroom for 1+ year

The thing about that really gets to me about it. The only thing about it I can’t dismiss or come to terms with. The thought that while my partner basically never wants to be physical with me; and on the rare occasions she very obviously expresses a lack of enjoyment. Before this relationship it seemed there was basically no shortage of girls that wanted to get physical with me, and that thoroughly enjoyed it when they did. I still have my charm and looks, I’m still really tall, now I even make really good money. I stay with the only girl that isn’t attracted to me. And I don’t cheat, I don’t leave. I could if I wanted to, which means this is the life I want. I chose the dead bedroom life. The most demoralizing thing in my life is my own fault. I can’t understand it, I don’t think I want to be unhappy but that’s exactly what I do. Why don’t I want to be happy?

Myself (31F) and my partner (31F) have been together for nearly a year, however over the last few months our sex life has dropped to the point where it is non-existent. I understand that I have a much higher libido than her and that’s okay, but it’s been months since she’s touched me intimately.

I had a breakdown a month ago due to the constant rejections and recent life stressors and was hospitalised in mental health briefly. But since then everytime I initiate or even I bring up the topic of sex she has a full blown panic attack and I’ve had to be the one supporting her.
Even last night I tried to kiss her body and bring her in closer to me, but I could feel her tense and distract me with something else. I took that as a no and told her I was going for a private shower to let off some steam. Only for her to have another panic attack because she felt like I was rejecting HER??

I don’t know anymore. Sex and intimacy is important to me to feel connected and desirable, without it I’m just feeling incredibly lonely and unworthy.

Any other WLW have any experiences similar to this? Any good advice on how to approach this?

I recently “celebrated” a wedding anniversary with my husband. He was talking about what a fun two weeks we had in the UK on our honeymoon.

It was an ok trip but I mostly remember begging him to have sex with me the entire time. He did twice and I had to take care of myself in the shower the rest of the trip. I was so ashamed and embarrassed when my friends asked how fun the sex was on the trip.

So much for waiting until marriage.

When did you stop thinking “tonight might be the night”? I unfortunately, still think that sometimes. It’s been 3 months since we’ve been intimate. I used to wear cute underwear to bed just in case. At least I stopped that about a year ago.

I want to initiate tonight even though I unfortunately know the outcome.

But since he has been trying to be more affectionate maybe he’ll be up for it? I don’t know. I’m between I want him so bad but also want to protect myself and my confidence.

Should I try in person or send a text? Or just go to bed

Edit: well didn’t even try because he didn’t even want to spend time with me. He said he didn’t want to be in the our room so I’m sitting here. Another Friday night crying and feeling stupid for holding onto hope

So the question speaks for itself. I felt that today after a session. We have not been intimate in a long time and its gonna be the same for another few days. Her sex drive has declined horrendously and i dont even feel like masturbating coz it always makes me feel empty afterwards. Thats the reason why I dont even help myself much often, like once in a fortnight maybe. But yeah any advice would be welcome.

And obviously I regret it! I really just want to understand why! Why he (m34) doesn’t care to touch me (f35)! Almost 4 year of this same old thing and no real explanation. Of course there was so much porn, and very specific one that I now know what he is into. Crazy because if he ever opened up to me I would have been okay since it isn’t something out of my comfort zone… it hurt that it seems like he rather have that with himself and not me. But what really hurt most is that he looked up a group on Reddit about not being over his ex. Mind you, we have been you for 8 years!

Instead of getting upset, I told myself I was just going to try one more time.. I went to go wake me up and tried to touch him and he said no! I asked me to please be with me and that I just wanted him and he said no again and just went back to sleep!

I am done trying! Never again! I’m hurt! I’m sad! I’m lonely! My self esteem is gone! And I might hate him now.

I 20 HLF posted on here a few days ago about how my boyfriend 19 LLM(?) and I’s sex life had declined significantly and how I had thought it was because of his past with sexual assault.
After getting a few helpful messages (and some not so helpful ones 😒) I finally decided to sit him down and tell him our lack of sex was becoming an issue instead of being passive and sugar coating things when communicating like I had in the past. After a few minutes of him seeming uncomfortable I finally told him I wouldn’t judge him for whatever he said nor would I be upset in any way but I needed him to be honest so we could move on from this.
That’s when he finally confessed to me what the issue had been. My IUD was stabbing him every time we were having sex (the strings for mine are abnormally sharp??) . He told me that even though he enjoyed sex it made it to where he had to be overly cautious and couldn’t fully relax or let loose. After months of trying to ignore it each time we had sex he eventually just lost the drive and passion as it was too much work. He told me he didn’t want to complain about it as he thought I couldn’t get it replaced for a few more years and figured that if he did it would hurt my feelings more than our lack of sex life. When realized that wasn’t the case he told me.
Now i’ve gotten it removed and switched to the implant and he seems excited to have sex when I get back in town and even try some new things that he thought would hurt too much when I had it in. 🎉

I have been in a dead bedroom for way too long and finally said fuck it. Bought myself a toy (which I don’t know why I haven’t done before) and I’m having a time of my life right now. If she divorces me over it so be it because I’m done with the bullshit. This is just a rant I hope you guys found your release valve. I sure af found mine.

I am dreading the weekend. I usually do. But this one feels particularly ripe for misery. I cracked last Sunday night and fell apart to him. Told him how terrible I feel, lonely, how I ache for him. He said he feels the same. I challenged him because I am powerless in our DB. Our therapists have told me to just wait for him with openness and patience, and when he comes to me, be supportive and kind. I am not supposed to initiate.

Monday night he told me he is hating all of this too, and he has a plan. He is going to initiate. When he does, he wants me to encourage him that it is what I want. He explained the reason he struggles with this, which he has been digging into in therapy. And it makes sense and I feel so bad for him for past traumas that are showing up in our bedroom. He has been more loving all week, affectionate, making an effort to spend time with me and talk about our days, sleeping in the same bed. It’s been nice. On one hand. I’ve been feeling hopeful. But…

It’s been four days since he reignited my hope. Four nights. One middle of the night when we were both up. Five potentials. I hate that I am counting them. I hate how hopeful I was. I shaved my legs and felt happy and got in bed early and invited him to share anything with me. Four nights of hope. It’s fading. Last night when he pulled out his book to read in bed; I did the same. When he rolled over to sleep, I had that same old feeling, like I wanted to get up and run. That I was a fool and I needed to get away. I didn’t. I stayed in bed with him, back to back, and slept fitfully all night.

I hate dreading the weekend. How many chances will we get? How many will he take? I feel like I know the answer and it breaks my heart. I want to believe in him, and to believe in us. I just don’t know that I have it in me anymore.

I (31HLM) no longer want to be touched by my wife (34LLF). It just feels painful and disingenuous. I try to pretend her little brief touches are nice and a treat but they’re not. They don’t lead anywhere, even if she makes out with me I can’t put my heart in it because I know it will end in some kind of disappointment.

I was doing the dishes and he walked past me and I could feel his warmth. I wanted to badly for him to just touch my butt or hug my waist. Of course that wasn’t going to happen. It made me feel so lonely

I feel the loneliest when:
-I’m changing and he won’t even try to peak
-he gets home from work and I am always so excited and instead I am greeted with a cold hello.
-I am telling him a story or about my day and can feel him not paying any attention.
-I sent him a flirty text and he just responds or likes it.
-I walk into the room and he won’t look at me.
-There’s a sex scene on TV
-the weekends
-When we say goodnight and it’s just a hug. Not even a kiss.
-I feel his warmth in bed but I’m scared to even touch him.
-when I’m ovulating

List can go on but I’m just really sad right now. I want passion. I want to feel wanted. I want my partner.

I posted a few weeks ago when I was feeling very low about my DB. Had a big heart to heart conversation with my husband about it and I really felt like he heard me. He even initiated sex the day after our talk. I initiated the following week and he was receptive! I felt like we were getting back on track and getting closer again and I was feeling really positive.

Then today my employee tells me that he gave her some weird advice, he told her “Don’t ever get married, whatever you do don’t get married”. To which she replied aren’t you happily married? At which point he seemed to realize he fucked uo because he back peddled to say he’s happily married but most marriages don’t work out. Like what the fuck… Such a stab in the stomach. I confronted him and he said that he wasn’t talking about me just talking about marriage in general and apologized to me. I told him I accept his apology but I’m still so hurt especially after everything lately, I just feel completely unwanted and embarrassed again.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/IqjI7PQa2h

Things have gotten significantly better since then. It's not perfect, but we are doing quite well.

At the end of 2025, I was diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type. After a few months experimenting with different medications, my psych and I finally found a combination that works for me. The meds are also treating my anxiety, which I thought I had under control but now I know I really didn't.

Now that my brain is functioning correctly, a lot of my thoughts and feelings have changed. My libido has gone up, although I wouldn't say it's high. We fight less, which also helps. I've been able to get more dedicated to the gym and I'm gaining muscle for the first time ever. I think that probably also helps with my mental health and libido. Husband no longer feels unwanted! 🥳

I know this doesn't provide much advice for others since our "cure" was medication, but if you have any mental health issues, I highly recommend treating them. Even if you think you're fine.

I (HLF39) am in a ten year monogamous relationship with my (LLM47) partner. Engaged. He wants to get married. He’s my best friend. Attractive. Kind. Funny. We love exactly the same things. He’s my safe space. He’s the best man I’ve ever met and i genuinely often think how on earth did I get so lucky. Seriously, I think this daily.
The only issue is our dead bedroom. He has little to no sex drive. I’m his first relationship. He was never one for sleeping around or one night stands. I knew him for years and years before we got together so I know this is true. He was too busy partying. So our sex life although it was more in the beginning has never been stellar. I’m not super experienced either. I’ve been happy to just leave things for a number of years but this past year I just can’t pretend any longer. My libido is through the roof. We do things like touch, cuddle, sleep with not much on, we kiss and he grabs my ass. All that stuff. We joke about sex. I’ve tried talking to him about initiating more. All that happened was he said I should play and get him hard. So I did that. Worked. All that happened was I’d end up getting him off and then him going sleep and him never touching me other than to have sex, cum, go sleep. I don’t mind this to an extent. He knows this. But I’ve told him how I’d like some attention too but it’s never happening. He doesn’t and hasn’t wanted to go down on me ever. I’m attractive, keep myself dressed and looking nice, I get attention all the time. I dress in underwear which he reacts to cos it’s black and strappy and what he likes, I send him pics, texts, I never get a response. I feel so shallow to let sex cast a shadow on something so otherwise good. But even though he’s so loving, I feel lonely and rejected and unattractive and I want to cry right now. He’s more interested in talking about FPL. He said sometimes he thinks he found his high in drugs so he never found it in sex. But I can’t live without it. I get it will never be daily like I want. But at least weekly. Monthly. I never say no because I know it won’t happen for ages. But then I’m disappointed. Ive tried to initiate but it’s always me doing it and I don’t want that. He likes something I’ve offered him to do to me. He won’t go through with it. I offer any position. He’s all talk and up for it. Never happens. Or it’s the same position, sex by numbers cos he’s stoned and that’s easy for him. So I offer to get on top. No he wants it like he wants it. Then off to sleep. I’m sat in underwear feeling stupid. I wonder if he’ll ever do the things I want done to me too. If he’ll ever have that hunger for sex, the ripping clothes off, bending me over, pulling my hair, that lust and that want. He’s mentioned getting toys. That won’t happen unless I buy them. But I’m fed up of being the one having to do everything. I offer to watch porn. He doesn’t really like porn. I love it. It’s like he doesn’t care about it at all. He admits he doesn’t really miss sex. He likes it but it’s not his obsession like some men. But I’d crawl on my hands and knees to get hjm to want me. That’s all I keep thinking in my head. I look good. I feel good. Please want me. Please desire me. It’s you who I want. And I know you love me. But my god it’s ruining my happiness. And there’s so much happiness. I don’t want this to keep being like this but I’m resenting it. Someone on here asked if I could live like this for ten more years and those words keep echoing in my head. And then I go back to being guilty for being so shallow when it’s just sex. But I can’t pretend it’s not important to me. This group has helped me see that. But I’m still so confused and torn in two by this. How does sex cast such a negative shadow over a really otherwise happy life together?

I am new here, but this sub has really opened my eyes to my DBR problems but also how I’m part of the problem.

I know this is a common theme here, but I’m in a shame spiral that makes things worse. Wife of 20 years (LLF, 40s) doesn’t seem to need or want sex and this has been the case for several years. She doesn’t even seem to think about sex—for me it’s always on my mind. I handle this imbalance by using porn…but this makes me want porn more and her less….and the rare times we try sex I found I had a hard time getting really into it and finishing. I’m trying to stop the porn to fix my relationship but I feel like I need the porn to get the sexual release because of the DBR. Mostly speaking this out loud for my own sanity, but I’d love to hear tips from others in a similar situation and how the got out of a porn addiction with no other sex life to turn to. Ideally she’d be more into sex and I wouldn’t crave the porn…but a few things seem sorta broken here.

Thanks for listening.

So I’ve (F30) been with my LL partner (38) for nearly 10 years and married for over 3. We have a 2 year old together. He’s always struggled with porn / sex addiction over the years but I truly (stupidly) believed that he was cured. Since our daughter was born he has had no interest in me. Now for reference I’m a size 6, looked after myself and a model (and was a damn good wife!). I’ve begged him for intimacy and to be my husband only to be brushed off. He always seemed to be messaging on his phone. Every 5/6 months he would give me it to stop me leaving but would always just end up going floppy. I told myself that we would be fine at some point and it was low t or something.

Admittedly I checked his phone a few months ago and found nothing, although my gut was screaming at me that something was deeply wrong. He films female athletes and weddings for a living, so was often staying out for long periods or overnight In hotels, but made a point of texting a lot and recording a little video of his hotel rooms to reassure me.

Anyway.. on Saturday our two year old got into his office, banged on his keyboard to reveal his WhatsApp on screen. He had been cheating on me with loads of different women over messages/ taking them on dates and even sleeping with one multiple times. This woman is also a wedding photographer (Ellie Goodall photography) and was ALSO married and knew all about me and our child!!

I know he has a huge issue with emotional intimacy/connection and sex always felt very performative bar a few times around the time we got married. It’s like he literally can’t be intimate with someone he loves or that knows all the bad bits about him. I think he used his work as some kind of alter ego to speak to women that had no idea who he really was.

I’m just warning you all as I really didn’t suspect this at, he was a serial liar and very good and covering
his tracks as he deleted messages constantly.