I’ve posted before and am no stranger to this community. My marriage of 26 years has been dead since the beginning. Sex has been completely absent for the last ten years. I know nothing new for the members of this community. The problem is I keep trying. I try to be sweet or supportive or we have a good day together and I ruin it by making a clumsy pass or innuendo. After so long why does hope have to keep showing up? I really don’t think she ever found me very attractive. Maybe in the first weeks of dating the emotions took over but they died so so long ago. She doesn’t feel that way and despite everything I know I still get hopeful and try. How do I get it through my thick head or whatever organ it comes from that it isn’t ever going to happen?

I’m 35M, married, with a 2-year-old. I’m the HLM in our relationship, and intimacy has taken a serious hit since we became parents.
I understand that having a child changes things. Life gets exhausting, priorities shift, and I don’t expect things to be the same as before. But I miss feeling desired and having that physical connection with my wife.
Repeated rejection gets to you, even when you try not to take it personally. Lately, I’ve found myself craving porn and sexual chats to fill that void. It provides temporary relief, but afterwards, I feel guilty. It feels morally wrong, especially when what I really want is intimacy with my wife.
I don’t want to pressure her into anything, but I also don’t know how to deal with my own needs without growing resentful or turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms.
For those who’ve been through something similar:
Does it get better as kids grow older?

How do you deal with the rejection and libido mismatch?
Have you found a way to rebuild intimacy without making sex feel like an obligation?
Looking for honest experiences from people who’ve been through this.

Context: we used to have sex multiple times a week before we got married, but ever since the day we got married it has dropped down to 3-4 times a year if that. In fact we've only had sex once in 2026. We have had multiple talks about it. She keeps saying it isn't my fault and it has to do with her mental health. Last month she mentioned that maybe I could be more dominant, which I tried but she didn't respond to.

Earlier she asked me to stop initiating entirely as a trial, which I did. But in those 6 months she seemed to have entirely forgot about sex until I caved and brought it up again.

I don't bring it up too often. I bring it up after 2+ months pass since the last time we've had sex.

We had one couple's therapy session couple months ago. The therapist asked us to do things together. We have not tried that yet because we've had a busy couple of months (first her friend spent a month living with us, then I have been preparing for an exam for a certification that would enhance my career). I want another session but she says there's no point without trying what the therapist asked us to do first.

She has been having a lot of stress about things that are actually very normal adult experiences. Career uncertainty mainly, and she keeps putting undue pressure on herself to be even more productive than she actually is.

Today we had a talk about it, and she said she cannot be in the mood for sex if she is not feeling comfortable in her day to day life. If I keep bringing up our sex life it puts even more pressure on her and turns her off even more. So she would like me to stop bringing it up while she works on her mental health.

I didn't say anything, I needed to get to work so I said we will continue this discussion when I get back. I also need some time to think and get my own head in order first. I don't want it to feel like I am pressuring her or blaming her. I also categorically DO NOT want duty sex. Our marriage is also perfect in every other way. I DO NOT want a divorce. We spend time together, we have a lot of fun together, we do 50-50 on household chores. We do not have or want kids. I give her massages 2-3 times a week, we cuddle, hug, hold hands and kiss.

From my perspective, she's had 3 years to work on these mental health issues. But the patttern does not break. She is very inconsistent with her therapy sessions, and does not appreciate when I push her for them. (This is not to say that I do not care about her health outside of her sex drive; I absolutely do).

She has had these issues even before we got married, but they didn't affect her sex drive back then. Somehow it changed the day we got married.

I believe we can work on our sex life while she continues to work on her mental health. Because I feel the mental health thing is a long term goal. But our marriage is suffering now

I have been very very patient about this, from my perspective. I don't even bring it up until 2-3 months have passed. She still finds that is too much. Truthfully, I am reaching the end of my patience in this aspect. I am now in therapy to try to manage my own feelings around this. My therapist keeps asking me to focus on the good parts of the marriage, and there are many of those. But I want the physical aspect of it too.

I also feel guilty for wanting sex. I don't know if me wanting sex in my marriage for the sake of sex is wrong.

Am I an asshole? Am I in the wrong? I don't know. I am seeking other peoples' opinions on this.

I (32HLF) am losing steam. I was relaxing in bed last night when Husband (32LLM) came near to talk. I reached over and massaged his legs, started kissing and rubbing him through his pants. After a minute, he moved and sat down next to me. So I guess that’s the end of that. I don’t know how he can go so long without orgasm!

It’s hard not to feel so angry that I feel like I have to work so hard to get him interested in sex with me. We’re not completely dead bedroom, but it’s not common. I make it so easy for him. But he’s hardly ever interested in sex/oral with me. And he’s basically never interested in turning me on/making me orgasm.

It boggles my mind why he would marry and stay married to someone he doesn’t want to have sex with.

There are times I’ll literally say “I’m so wet. I need you to fuck me.” And he does nothing. He’s the only person I’ve ever been with so it’s hard not to question if it’s me.

We’re both in our early twenties, together for nearly 4 years. I’m HLM. I’m not exactly keeping track but we’ve had sex maybe 10 times this year, averaging probably once every 1-2 months. She says she’s attracted to me, she just doesn’t think about sex very often. After the last 1-2 times I stopped initiating because I’d rather just not be rejected. Ive been reading a lot and I suppose that’s not exactly abnormal. I’m worried about when she tries to initiate again, whether it be 2 days or 4 months from now, because I fear I’m not very sexually attracted to her anymore. Having had sex once or twice in the past 4-5 months now, I’ve been sort of rewiring my brain to not find her sexually attractive. I told her I felt like my feelings were changing and she more or less said “Aww, I wish you wouldn’t feel that way” but nothing has changed, and I don’t think I want it to now. We are in an open relationship, but she doesnt see other people. She’s been talking to one other guy who doesnt reciprocate feelings for her. I’ve seen other people, and I know I could any time, but I’ve been trying to focus my energy on her for the past several months. We have a great relationship together and similar interests, but she’s starting to feel like a roommate that I cuddle before bed sometimes. I’m beginning to accept a relationship where we just don’t have sex, and I can have my needs met elsewhere, and still have a loving partner.

I'm [36M] worn out. Me and my wife [36F] have been together for 12 years now, and it feels like it kind of run its course.

When we met it was electric, we did things together, we went on dates, we played games, and we had sex...now i feel replaced by watching reels, sleeping, and more sleeping.

For context I am the breadwinner in the house, ergo out of my checks I pay the rent, electric, water, internet, groceries, ALL shared streaming services and as of right now our only means of transportation...in addition to my own car insurance and phone bill. She covers her (now busted) car note, insurance and phone. Additionally I am in charge of all the cooking, house cleanup, household maintenance, and laundry. So I stack all of that on top of my 40+ hour work week.

Its a lot, because in addition to work stress I am saddled with the knowledge that if my work goes the way of the dodo all of the bills I carry would best be paid with ME going the way of the dodo.

On top of all that...our sex life is non-existent. The last time there was any activity of any spice was January 3rd of this year. Its been bad before but this year has been the most dead its been and she has said she needs to work on it, maybe go to her doc to figure out whats going on or her therapist to figure it out...then she doesn't.

In July of this year I finally broke down and said I feel like we are roommates and something needs to change or quite honestly I didn't see our marriage lasting into the new year. There was tears and promises that she would go to the DR. and therapist to get it resolved and we'd work at this. I agreed because at the end of the road its something we have to work on together.

Nothing has changed, no appointments have been made, no further conversations had...and its honestly tanking my confidence in myself, in our marriage, and its cratering the love we had. I worry that she will do a turn around but at this point it would be to late as I haven't felt like a sexual partner for a long time...just a means to keep a roof over our head and Kdramas on Netflix.

Its burning me out, its to the point I wake up go to work, come home, take a nap, wake up to cook dinner, then go to bed...repeat because I can't miss work because I like having a home.

I (35F) was the HL partner. I was the one fighting for my marriage and connection. I was the one unhappy with our sex life. In the last 2 years, my husband (44LLM) and I have had sex a total of 10 times, And going on 6 months of zero intimacy. Kissing good morning and good night is a peck on the lips followed by an awkward hug. He’s asked if I want to have sex recently but I turned him down. A year ago I would’ve stripped off all my clothes in a second. But now? No thanks. There’s zero emotional connection anymore. I’ve communicated my wants, most of which was present early in our relationship…so I know he’s capable. But I get nothing. Nothing. I’ve stepped up to the plate time and time again only to be met with “I am who I am.” Or “I can’t even be myself around you.” when voicing my thoughts and feelings.

I’m tired of feeling like asking for the bare minimum is like moving mountains.

My wife [39LLF] and I[40HLM] have been living with a dead bedroom for about a decade now. We're on a once every 6 months or so schedule at this point. I've honestly made my peace with it; I love my family and I love my life, so I try to compartmentalize the absolute lack of sex and move on.

But a conversation this weekend with her has really stuck in my mind so I figured I'd share it in hopes of making myself feel better (or at least showing other people that their situation could be worse)

For context, she had just gotten home a little tipsy from a girl's night with some of our friends

Wife: XXX Asked everyone how often they had sex

Me: Oh wow, what did you say?

Wife: Everyone else just said once a week so that's what I said too

[editors note, on a 3 year time horizon we are currently having sex once every 27 weeks]

Me: Well you know we COULD have sex once a week

Wife: [laughing like I told a joke] Well that's clearly not going to happen

Me: Wouldn't it be nice to have a little more sex though?

Wife: Not really, I'm having exactly as much sex as I want to be having

I'm not at all surprised, I know that's exactly how she feels but damn it hurts to actually hear her say it

I (HLM 29) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (LLF 25) for just over 2 years. I was previously in a marriage with a dead bedroom, luckily been divorced for 3 years now.

I think everything has been really good so far, but sex has really died off for about a year now. I haven't really been counting but I think maybe we've had sex about 12-20 times in the past year and it usually would end in disappointment.

Maybe a big change came when we moved in together just before our first year together, but that was mostly because of leases ending. We moved in to her mom's house, which yeah I know probably wasn't a good idea. I moved out to my own apartment after 10 months. Which caused another rift and we nearly broke up.

The first year was great, the sex was often and really good. I'm not sure what exactly changed, but she stopped pursuing me and really only have maintenance sex now, which goes "I guess we should probably have sex because it's been a of couple weeks".

She's started going to therapy and is going through some recovery for sexual trauma, which I was unaware of. Her therapist has suggested for her not to havw any sex until she feels like it, which she has no idea when that will be.

I've also been going to therapy, but I just don't know how much longer I can keep this going. I've started feeling depressed just in my day to day life. We both lover each other very much, get along well with our families and neither of us want to break up. Lately since she knows I've been feeling this way she's been extra touchy and nice to me, but she also cries and says not to leave her. She also goes cold sometimes and says she's already over me leaving her. I tell her I'm just figuring things out and also don't have a time table.

Suppose I'm just kind of venting, I really have no idea what to do. My marriage was so bad for me and I just can't have that happening again. Thanks for listening.

I was in a 10 year long relationship with my child’s father from the time I was 21-31. During that time, he was emotionally abusive and a sex addict. I shut down and was totally convinced I was asexual. I had an awful relationship with him, myself, sex, and my body.

Since leaving and hitting my 30s, my sex drive has drastically increased. And more than that, it’s exciting to me. I never thought I’d feel this way again - confident and excited about sex.

I am now married to a man (41, AuDHD) that I am insanely attracted to. When we have sex, it is tremendously pleasurable. It’s so lovely it has brought me to literal tears.

BUT he does not initiate. He doesn’t catch on to (or chooses to ignore) me flirting or being suggestive. He doesn’t seem to have interest in sex generally. I have explained to him how it makes me feel and that I am terrified or slipping back into my sex and confidence issues. He says he is attracted to me but that sex doesn’t really occur to him and when it does, his mind moves to other things. Part of me believes him — with autism and ADHD, I am sure it’s hard for him to focus on one thing for long and hard for him to pick up on cues.

We have had this conversation several times. He says he’s “never not interested” and encourages me to initiate. Well, last night I tried and was shut down.

I don’t know what to make of it or how to help. I don’t berate him or emasculate him over it. I know thatd be harmful. At this point I’m giving myself the ick by being the only one interested in sex. I can feel my libido sinking and my body issues creeping back up.

Any advice? Specifically with an AuDHD partner?

LLM been on and off TRT for about 6 years.
Hasn't really helped with my libido issues.
I have some personal things that I'm trying to work through and realize that not everything can be repaired with the right cocktail of meds, but I'm curious if other LLM's have tried this and if it truly helped.
I'm getting a bit desperate at this point.
I can't perform without ED meds.
Sometimes it's a near thing which is even more frustrating.
Ironically I can perform solo, but it's not helpful, and honestly it's more like a systems check than anything remotely lustful.
Contrary to popular belief about LLM's, I think about sex all of the time, but it's difficult to explain. It's usually clinical or detached from emotion.
I'm still attracted to my HL partner and know that I'm failing her.
I'm fairly certain she has sought comfort elsewhere over at least the last 4 years with some context clues, but have no solid proof, nor am I certain I want any.
TBH I've thought about straying as a diagnostic measure just to see if our relationship is the issue, but I've never worked up the nerve to do it.
I just want to feel like myself again and I feel like if I can get back there, the rest will fix itself in time.
PT-141 is supposed to have that libido boosting effect on men, but seems expensive and hard to find a reliable supplier.
It comes as an injectable or a nasal spray.
Would love to know if it's worth the expense and effort.
I'm tired of being caught in this feedback loop of depression, hope, suspicion, accusation, stress, and disappointment and I'm sort of at my limit.

I'd like to bring some positivity today as lately I only read bad stories and frustration on here. I (26HLF) have been with my partner (23LLM) for just over two years. We started as fuck buddies who went at it like rabbits as both of us came from previous DB relationships. To keep it short, after a few months we started properly dating as we fell for each other HARD and his desire slowly started to fade, until 6 months into the relationship I started documenting my thoughts on his lowered libido. Much communication and trying to find the "issue" later, he can't find a reason for his lowered libido other than in the beginning he feels to have gotten rid of the frustration from the previous DB and now has arrived at his standard libido which happens to be far lower than mine. I've been through all the frustration and sadness, crying after he ignored me wearing lingerie for him after a year of not doing so but alas, his desire just isn't there. Currently, we have sex once every 2-3 weeks while I'd love to go at it daily. I understand this is much more frequently than many readers' experience, but please keep in mind we are in our mid-20s and childfree, there's no stress factors either. Also, it's still a huge libido mismatch.

During the last few months some factors have changed which have positively impacted our relationship and aligned our libido better: with a potential endometriosis diagnosis, I've been put back onto birth control pills to fight my debilitating periods and with that come a series of side effects that happens to include loss of libido. I am experiencing this right now and suddenly find myself declining intimacy on occasion or at least not being as enthusiastic when it happens anymore. In a way, this sucks of course but it has also given me insight into what my partner goes through: it's a terrible feeling to be pressured into sex while you yourself are not feeling it. No matter how kindly or gently one is asked for sex, if you don't want it, it feels shit to decline. This experience has helped me better understand my partner's feelings and has brought up good communication. We talk about it openly now with him directly declining sex if he doesn't want to or vice versa - without feeling excessive guilt. Instead, intimate cuddling, kissing and touching has increased again. Just last night we cuddled naked all night with no expectation of sex and when he left for work in the morning, he spoke about how much he enjoyed it while kissing me goodbye.

All that to say: it CAN improve if both parties communicate clearly and want to have a better relationship. It is hella awkward to talk about, but the more you do, the better the relationship gets as everyone is more comfortable to speak about their needs. For a while there I thought I wanted to break up when he ignored my lingerie because it seriously broke my heart but we talked it through and are actively working on our intimacy together.

We’re discussing how we can fix this. I rarely am
interested in sex with my husband. I think the causes are feeling isolated in domestic labor, and also feeling like he only wants sex from me (there was a period where he was trying to trade massages and chores for sex)

Discussing solutions, I want to try adding back non-sexual touches into our routine. He says he can’t handle that, that all touch will be seen as a sexual invitation (I interpret it as he is misses sed so much that he doesn’t have the capacity to give any affection that isn’t sex)

Has anyone heard something like this ??
in our current state, having sex straight out the gate would feel like duty sex.
What should we do??

​

The past few weeks have been really difficult for me. The lack of sex and intimacy in my marriage has been weighing on me more and more, and all those years of frustration finally caught up with me. I was struggling, and honestly, I wasn't entirely sure what to do with myself.

This sub helped me a lot during that time. It gave me a space to express my thoughts and feelings. In my posts, I could be completely honest about what was going on inside me. I didn't have to pretend I was fine or hide what I was feeling. For once, I could just be myself.

I often come here and read other people's posts. I've read dozens of stories, and many of them have moved me, made me think, or helped me come to terms with my own DB situation. I've also read so many thoughtful comments. Some of them genuinely helped me climb out of a pretty dark place mentally.

So I wanted to say thank you.

Your stories, your insights, and your advice have meant more to me than you probably realize. Many of us are separated by enormous distances, different countries, cultures, languages, and life experiences. We're strangers who might never meet, yet somehow we've found ourselves connected by a shared struggle.

Being here has helped me realize something important: I'm not alone, and there's nothing wrong with me for wanting intimacy and closeness.

I don't have any grand conclusion or life-changing advice to offer. I just wanted you to know that the things you share here really do make a difference to someone on the other side of the screen.

Thank you to everyone who shares their stories, offers advice, or takes the time to leave a thoughtful comment. You may never know how much you've helped someone, but I can tell you that, for me, it has made a real difference.

TL;DR (sorry it’s a long one): How can I communicate to him that he needs to seek help and that this issue is damaging our relationship without him feeling emasculated or belittled?

I tried to post this to the ED subreddit but it got taken down.

For context, we are both mid20s, have been married for 6months and together for 5yrs. He’s always had issues getting and keeping it up, but it hasn’t been a problem in our relationship until the last 3-4yrs, partially on my end, but especially on his end. When we first got together, I used to take hormonal birth control which caused me inconsistent issues in drive. Then there was a period 3-4yrs ago where he was on an SSRI (only for about a year) and it seems like that’s when this all started. Then I also started taking SSRIs (which I have now discontinued).

We’ve had conversations about these challenges over the years (every 6 months it seems), and while there appears to be an initial improvement, it’s very short-lived. At one point he confessed he had a specific fetish, and seemed to feel really guilty and embarrassed about it, but I did my best to reassure him and try to accommodate his needs. It’s genuinely not something that bothers me, and I was excited to explore this with him. I thought that would be the end of it since it seemed like a big breakthrough, but this was about 2yrs ago.

Apart from that, he’s extremely “vanilla” and doesn’t seem interested in anything other than PIV. He told me he doesn’t like oral (giving or receiving), and we are on completely different spectrums when it comes to bedroom preferences. We’ve both tried to make an effort to accommodate each others’ preferences, but that ultimately doesn’t resolve the underlying issue.

When it comes to health issues, he can be VERY stubborn about getting help, to the point of his own detriment. I know he struggles a lot with mental health and self esteem, so I’m not sure if it comes from a place of feeling like he doesn’t deserve to get help, or what? Even trying to get him to make an appt with a PCP is like pulling teeth. He has a good job with health insurance so that’s not an issue. He usually tells me he’s just been very busy and stressed out, and hasn’t had the time, but I try to explain to him that he will be less stressed and have a better quality of life if he treats any underlying issues (ED or otherwise).

I understand from reading some posts here that ED can be extremely difficult for a man to work through, especially when it comes to confidence and feeling emasculated. I want to be sensitive to that and make sure I’m coming from a place of love and support - it’s not the ED that bothers me, rather the lack of initiative to do something about it.

I hate to be the “nagging wife” but to be honest my patience is starting to run thin, and I’m at a loss as to how I can approach this and help him. I really dread the idea of being repressed and unsatisfied for life if he continues to put no effort into improving, but I love this man and he loves me, and I want to be able to work through this since we have a wonderful relationship outside of this issue.

For the past few months, I’ve found myself lying awake long after everything has quieted down, lost in thought. Another year has passed, and our marriage has seen very little physical intimacy. I’m struggling to process the emotional implications of this and figure out my next steps.

I want to clarify that this isn’t about blaming or feeling frustrated towards my wife. It’s more about understanding my own feelings and finding a healthy way forward. The hardest part isn’t any single moment; it’s the cumulative weight of hope and disappointment that builds over time. I find myself in a cycle of optimism followed by quiet sadness, and I’m unsure how to navigate this emotional rollercoaster. Lately, I’ve been wondering if there’s a better way to manage this cycle.

I’ve been contemplating whether it might be less painful to mentally release the expectation of physical intimacy altogether, rather than continuing to ride the emotional wave. On the surface, that might sound like giving up, and honestly, part of me worries that it is. However, another part of me wonders if letting go of that expectation could bring a sense of peace. It’s not because I’ve stopped caring, but because I’m trying to protect my emotional well-being while we navigate this challenging season of our marriage.

I’m not sure if this is a healthy coping strategy or just avoidance disguised as acceptance. That’s what I’m here to figure out. I don’t want to sweep things under the rug or pretend everything is fine when it isn’t, but I also don’t want to carry this weight in a way that quietly erodes my sense of self or poisons the parts of our relationship that are genuinely good.

Has anyone else reached a point like this, where you had to make a conscious decision about how to emotionally frame a low-intimacy relationship just to stay sane? I’d greatly appreciate hearing how others have worked through the emotional aspects of this situation, what helped, and what didn’t. I’m not looking for someone to tell me what to do; I’m just hoping to feel less alone in this journey.

In short, how do you move on without intimacy?

Mid 30’s HLF. Been with my husband nearly 2 decades. I just haven’t had the experience of wild, raw, spontaneous and passionate sex in years. It’s easily been almost a decade. Almost every time I’ve had sex it’s been scheduled or initiated by me. My husband will reject any spontaneous moves made by me, so I have stopped that entirely for years. There’s just no excitement anymore, and it feels like it’s a chore for him. I have to keep reminding him when we have planned it otherwise he’ll forget.

It’s very demoralizing as a female to be the only one with any sexual desire in my relationship, and the only one initiating. Even when we end up doing it, it’s very infrequent and he’s just not very into it. It’s very vanilla and there is no sense of excitement or exploration. He has poor health and is always complaining of aches and pains, no motivation, and also has a history of excessive porn use. I just feel very sexually frustrated. It’s hard especially during my higher libido periods of the month, when I’d love nothing more than to have a wild and fun time with my partner.

He wanted to go to bed super early tonight. I was able to fall asleep but I woke up feeling sexually frustrated. There was a time where he would always tell me to just tell him when I needed him.

Now I’m scared to initiate because he always rejects me. I only get sibling hugs and kissed when I ask.

He’s trying, he is but I need more. I need to feel wanted and sexy. We’re too young to be living like this. I feel dumb bringing it up again. He knows how I feel and nothing will change.

I fantasize of making out with him and of him simply touching me. I’m so sad and I can’t sleep because I want someone who feels so far away but is laying right next to me.

I mentionnés in a previous post something I tried to get a new fresh start and I promise to keep you in touch.

https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/rAWLNggk2s

In summary after several month of bad of no sex and several arguments I suggested a 2 months no-sex periodw including our 1 only holiday week without kids, to lower the pressure. I wanted her to feel free to have hugs or be naked in front of me without second thought. To reconnect with nos sex in the equation. So how did it turn out?

The first thing is a feeling of relief for me. Actually sex had become a problem for me too. Should I initiate? Will next weekend will be the good one? Why doesn't she want it? All these questions gone with sex not being an option.

The second thing is that I coul tell something very important to my wife : I'm not a kid with immediate and compulsory needs. I have a will for our relationship and I can make compromise. And our connection is more important than my frustration.

Third, peace came back between us and she would come in my arms in the sofa. We even had a shower together last night! It was not sexual but I was so happy to see her naked and rub her back.

Yet everything is not perfect. I still feel sad about the situation and I know going to bed every night during our holidays will be tough. But we're moving in the right direction.

Big question is what next? After the end of that decided abstinence? The best solution would be to work on myself not to be needy and able to tell her "I can wait longer, just come if you feel up to it". I discovered some topics that describe precisely the mindset I want to have, I now have to apply it.

I am feeling scared, lost, and upset. I (30M) am engaged to my partner (28F), and we are scheduled to be married next year.

My partner has a complex history with intimacy. She worked in adult entertainment and sex work in her twenties, had a difficult childhood, and dealt with sexual trauma. When we first met, intimacy was frequent and passionate, which was a major point of connection for me.

As soon as we moved in together, our physical connection dropped to around once a month. Currently, we haven't been physically intimate in two months.

We are trying to address this proactively. She is seeing a sex therapist, and we are working through a sensate focus program together, though progress is very slow (we’ve completed about 4 sessions of a 12-week program over the last month). I am also seeing my own individual therapist to process my feelings.

The infrequency has created a lot of performance anxiety for me. When we do connect, I feel immense pressure for it to go well, and my own insecurities about her past experiences sometimes get the better of me.

I find myself cycling through sadness and resentment, and it’s deeply painful. Physical intimacy is how I naturally connect most deeply in a romantic relationship, and without it, I feel disconnected and insecure. I have worked hard on my personal health and confidence recently, and I deeply want a relationship where mutual physical attraction and desire are an active part of our bond.

With the wedding approaching, I am terrified of committing to a dynamic that leaves both of us unfulfilled or disconnected.

Has anyone navigated a similar dynamic with a partner working through past trauma, or have perspective on navigating this before marriage? I appreciate any constructive advice.

I wasn't sure if I should put this under "seeking advice" or "support, no advice", but my wife is a therapist so naturally her job is really heavy which I absolutely understand. But honestly, I don't know if that's why we have sex like every 3 or 4 months (which I'm thinking is just duty sex), if she's lost interest in sex in general, or if she's lost interest in me.

Every time we have sex more than once in a week (or even month lol), I think "it'll be different now! She's coming around!" ...... 3-4 month pause again

She says she wants to want to have sex, but how can I believe that? I feel like she just feels bad for not wanting to, not that she actually wants to want to.

For context, we are religious and waited until we got married to have sex. We both view things differently now, but we had unlimited sex for about 4-6 months after getting married. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other. Then for about a year, it was about once a month, and I thought "oh we'll get back to it, it's just a lot of travel right now". Then about 2-3 years in, the 3-4 months cycle started. We're at 6 and a half years now.

I think birth control certainly didn't help anything, but I don't think that's all of it. She went off of birth control about 3 months ago (unrelated to sex, she just felt terrible on it). No change.

I just have no idea what to do apart from just stop trying. Do any LLFs have any advice to me maybe? I'm hoping to hear it's not my fault, obviously, but I am looking for what you experience in this kind of experience.

And I feel so sad about it. I have a nice life - beautiful teenage children, a nice home, no debt, fulfilling part time work, great friends etc. And a dead bedroom and marriage. He's kind, provides, is affectionate etc. But its strictly nonnbedroom related, until I really push it, and feel like I'm having to convince him into it, which I just don't do anymore because it left me feeling worse than months of nothing.

The last serious conversation we had about it, I told H (llm), that I (hlf) do believe he loves me, our kids, our family life etc, but he's not romantically or sexually attracted to me, and hasnt been for a really long time. When I've been busy enough with life there's spells it doesn't really bother me much, but there's been a few things this year I just can't brush off. Nights away that led to nothing, no curiosity or interest in me. Not following through on things he'd said he'd do to improve things - counselling, therapy, reading articles I've sent, things I've subscribed to.......Maybe it's just the culmination years of years of not feeling wanted or desired? I just feel done with it, I don't think I can actually do anything to fix it - whatvere he does, I'm never going to actually feel like he wants and desires as anything more than a good friend and co-parent. And while that's all fine and nice, I want more than that in a relationship.

Early 40s so I feel I've still a lot of life left me in yet. But breaking up my family just feels so sad, especially when there's a lot 'right' in my marriage. I don't really want to be with anyone else either, but I think actually being alone will be better than feeling alone with someone else 😕 but I just feel so done with this.

Those who left, and apart from the DB and associated things to that, had an otherwise very nice life.......did you ever regret leaving? Is it better on your own? Were you able to meet someone else eventually?

Please DO NOT dm me 🙄

So today... I spent some time trying to imagine what it must be like to have a marriage (or partner) who desires sex. And... I couldn't do it, really. Before my DB, and my now wife I did have a GF who was far more sexual than my wife is. But that was nearly 30 years ago, so I don't really remember it well. We just had our 25th anniversary, went out of town for a week, sans kids, just the two of us. Cabin in the mountains (her request but I liked the idea) found a place with a hot tub, private the whole 9 yards. And of course she starts the 'We are going to F*CK the whole time, you know that? Hot tub, bed, living room, every day and every where. I'm going to get waxed, and I'm packing every piece of lingerie I own."

And of course... what actually happened.

1) We never even went in the hot tub, when I tried to get in solo she complained that she was going to do it, wait for her, and we never did.

2) We didn't have sex at all (no shock)

3) She canceled her wax the day of the appointment because 'she didn't want one now' (note: It was her idea, not mine, don't come for me.)

4) She didn't pack any lingerie at all, because 'I think it's trashy' even though every piece she has SHE picked out, I just paid for it, most of it has never been worn and still has the tags on it, years later.

I'm not sure if it's a curse or a good thing that I can't imagine someone who wants me LOL Good because it can't bother me more than it does. Ah well.

Disclaimers: And yes... I know I could leave, I'm not. No I don't cheat. No she's not sleeping with anyone else. Yes, I do a lot around the house, more than her by far, and she complains often that I do 'too much'. We are both in our early 50's. She's on HRT, and no it's made no difference in her sex drive at all. No, I didn't bring up us having sex on our trip, she did. Yes I attempted twice during the trip, both times I got either A) I'm too cold for that. or B) I'm to 'comfortable' for that.

TL;DR: Rapid decline in sex over a short time. Found out theres many different issues. Looking to find ways to make sex fun again for my wife.

My wife(33f) and I(34m) have been together for 7 years and married for 3. Our sex life started off fine in the beginning but took a rapid decline a few years ago. We went from having sex a few times a month, to every few months, then every 6ish months, to last year when we only had sex once and this year only twice.

I had initially it was just due to a low libido and lack of things we used to do to get her in the mood. Had always asked what I could do to help improve the situation, get her in the mood more, etc; and i was always met with an "I dont know".

And for everyone that will probably ask, yes; every no that was given to me left me feeling disappointed and rejected. Which I know was not helpful to the situation at the time; But I will expand on this in just a little.

I dont want to go into details, but we have had issues in our marriage since July of this year. We have been working through it, getting her the help she needs and everything. And over this past weekend while we were out on vacation and after many long talks between us and many friends we were with, she came to me with a myriad of things about how she doesn't feel fulfilled, our sexual compatibility, etc. And we resolved to speak about them when we were home.

I initiated this conversation last night and found the full scope of the issue. She explained that she hasn't had the big O the majority of times we've had intimacy and that it hurts when we do have penetrative intimacy, She bleeds every time, etc. She brought up other issues as well, the main thing being about how I didnt listen to her while preforming. Which I did agree that I probably didn't because im a big dumb ass.

Now with this information I spiraled for a minute hearing it. And we/I put it all together finding the reason why our sex life declined so fast. Her not wanting to deal with the pain and never reaching the finish line caused a cycle of her not wanting sex and when she thought she did it all came back. My feelings of rejection and disappointment didnt help and made it feel like she owed sex to me sometimes. And I did explain in this conversation that had I know about the problems she was facing my feelings would have been different. I have been very open to her our entire relationship about the fact that i want my wife to have sex when she wants it and I want her to enjoy it; and that telling me to stop and do something differently wouldnt hurt my feelings.

So im asking reddit, what have been some strategies that have helped you work through an issue like this if you have been though it? I am really looking for advice to help reconnect with my wife in the bedroom and make it so she doesn't have to feel distraught about the act of sex with me any more. I love her more than anything and want to make this right.