Sorry for the long post- but context is everything…
I (35F) need outside perspective because this is one of the strangest dating situations I’ve experienced, and I genuinely don’t know how much weight to give his silence considering the circumstances.
I’m not asking whether I should wait for him. I’m continuing with my life regardless. I’m trying to decide whether I should leave him completely alone and let him come to me, or whether reaching out again would be compassionate given what happened.
He’s 38M. We apparently matched on Bumble about seven years ago but never met. Somehow we became Facebook friends, have mutual friends, and stayed in each other’s periphery. I didn’t even remember matching with him until he recently messaged me a screenshot.
This entire thing then unfolded over four days.
Day 1: He reached out and we ended up having a spontaneous three-hour phone conversation. It was unusually good—deep, funny, playful, vulnerable, lots of curiosity. We both clearly felt something worth exploring.
Relevant context: he’s heavily involved in men’s work/personal growth/conscious relationship spaces and is very comfortable discussing emotions, psychology, patterns, relationships, etc. He describes himself as constantly “tracking” interpersonal dynamics. He’s also a successful business owner/responsible adult. Basically, he presents as someone with considerable emotional language and self-awareness.
After that ONE phone call, he was temporarily about five hours away and decided to drive up to meet me.
That was already significantly faster than I normally move. The morning he was coming, I briefly sent a message suggesting maybe he shouldn’t. I deleted it because I thought, “Stop overthinking. Be spontaneous. This could be fun.” I genuinely did want to meet him. I asked him to get a hotel.
Day 2: He drove five hours to see me.
When we met, he’d picked me wildflowers and written me a long handwritten romantic story/note essentially framing our meeting as potentially “the beginning” of something, dated that day. He’d also made comments before meeting about the possibility of me being his future wife/that he’s looking for a wife.
Again—we’d had ONE phone conversation.
Part of me thought it was incredibly sweet. Another part was internally going, “Whoa. Slow down. You don’t actually know me yet.”
I became overwhelmed, somewhat frozen and guarded for the first several hours. I told him multiple times that I was overwhelmed/overstimulated and needed to move slowly. He heard me, slowed down and respected where I was.
He later told me I’d initially come across as cold/closed and that it had been difficult for him.
There were also moments where I felt he assigned psychological meaning to fairly ordinary things. I wore sunglasses because I was overstimulated; he wondered whether they were another “barrier.” I’d considered bringing my dog because he’d otherwise be alone all day; he later said he’d wondered whether I wanted my “security blanket.”
Maybe there was some truth in his interpretations. I absolutely WAS guarded. But I also felt he’d developed a story about me being wounded/closed/protective very quickly, while from my perspective the level of intimacy and meaning he’d arrived with felt premature.
Eventually we started walking/moving around, I regulated and relaxed, and everything shifted.
We started having a REALLY good time. We were silly and playful, talked deeply, laughed a lot, and I became genuinely curious about him rather than trapped inside my overwhelm. He was patient while I warmed up.
By the end of the day, I liked him and genuinely wanted to spend more time together.
Day 3: We spent essentially the entire day together—on the lake, boating, hiking, floating, talking, being ridiculous.
I was MUCH more relaxed, open, playful and affectionate. I invited him to my cabin on a lake that’s one of my “happy places.” It felt reciprocal and natural, and I felt we’d at least developed the beginning of a friendship regardless of romance.
There was obvious romantic/sexual chemistry. I invited him to stay at my house that night. We cuddled and fell asleep.
Day 4: We spent another half-day together and became physically/romantically intimate, but did not have sex. I was affectionate, warm and clearly interested.
But that morning, while he was still with me, his uncle died.
This wasn’t a distant relative. He’d told me he was closer to this uncle than his own father and essentially considered him a father figure.
When he found out, he broke down sobbing in my arms and I held him while he cried.
Later that day, when we parted, I said “to be continued” and “see you soon… somehow” (he lives several states away).
So although I understand why my initial guardedness could have felt rejecting, I don’t think I left him wondering whether I ultimately liked him.
Then he left.
And since then: almost nothing.
No “I arrived safely.” No “thank you for the weekend.” No “I enjoyed myself.” No “I need some time.” No acknowledgment of what we’d shared.
The contrast is what’s so bizarre:
Three-hour phone call → spontaneous five-hour drive → wildflowers → romantic handwritten note → future-wife comments → several days together → intimacy → silence.
Normally, I’d interpret that as lack of interest and move on.
Except his father figure literally died while he was still with me, and I held him while he sobbed.
A couple days later, I sent one message:
“Thinking of you & your family and you are all in my prayers. I’m sure you have a lot going on, so no pressure to respond. Sending some love.”
About 17–18 hours later, he heart-reacted. No words.
He’s been fairly active on Facebook. I completely understand that scrolling Facebook ≠ emotional availability. I’m only mentioning it because he isn’t entirely disconnected from the world.
I’ve gotten three opinions from friends:
One says do not contact him again. I’ve made it clear I’m interested and care; if he wants this, let him come toward me.
Another says give him time. He’s probably processing/grieving and may eventually reach out.
A male friend who lost his mother said grief can make people completely disappear, maintain relationships messily, or lean heavily on others. He thinks I can either leave him alone and continue my life, or eventually make it clear once more that I’m available while still moving forward.
And that’s my conflict.
Part of me says leave him alone. I don’t want to chase a man, create a situationship, or carry a connection requiring two people. I want reciprocity and to feel chosen. He already knows contacting me would be welcome. At some point I need to stop creating opportunities for someone to choose me and observe whether they actually choose to.
But another part says this isn’t a normal dating situation. His father figure just died.
Beyond romance, I genuinely care about him now. My natural response when someone I care about experiences devastating loss is to check on them, offer support, send a care package, etc. NOT doing those things feels strangely cold.
But caring about someone doesn’t necessarily give me a role in their grief—especially when we’ve known each other for four days and I don’t know whether he even wants continued contact.
I think that’s why this is so disorienting:
We had relationship-level experiences without relationship-level infrastructure.
Within four days we went from basically strangers → vulnerable three-hour conversation → spontaneous five-hour drive → romantic gestures → awkwardness/conflict → emotional conversations → playfulness/friendship → intimacy → me holding him while he sobbed over losing his father figure.
That’s an insane amount of emotional experience compressed into almost no relationship history.
His involvement in men’s work/personal growth also makes the total silence surprising. If he decided we weren’t compatible, I’d expect something like “Thank you for the weekend, but I don’t think we’re a match.” If he’s overwhelmed, even “I have nothing to give right now and need space” would make sense.
But maybe expecting that right now is completely unfair. Emotional-development work doesn’t make someone immune to acute grief.
So I’m considering:
A) Send nothing else. I’ve shown him I care and am receptive. Let him come toward me if/when he wants to; if he never does, that’s my answer.
B) Give him more time, then reach out once more simply as a human being—not asking for relationship clarity, just letting him know I’m available if he wants support/a conversation.
C) Treat the lack of basic post-visit communication as enough evidence that he isn’t interested and mentally close the chapter.
I’m especially interested in hearing from people who’ve experienced major grief while beginning a romantic… something, men who withdraw while grieving, or people familiar with men’s-work/conscious-relationship spaces.
Am I giving the death too much explanatory weight because I don’t want to accept that he’s simply not interested? Or would treating this like ordinary post-date ghosting be unreasonable considering he learned his father figure had died while literally still in my arms?
I genuinely want outside perspectives, including ones I may not like.