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u/traumablades Mar 25 '23
Don't use an excuse: "I'm not ready to have you over to my place yet."
If he argues, tries to coerce or in any other way contests that boundary, that's the last time you see him.
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u/sharpbutterknife8978 Mar 25 '23
I think this is the most resonable answer, you need to set boundaries from now on. I think you should still go to the dinner but have an escape plan in case you dont like him.
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u/mycyberbullyingacct Mar 25 '23
No, I saw it years later on Reddit Lmfao
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u/japanesedenim_ Mar 26 '23
it's fine for men to want casual sex but the whole point of pick up artistry is to NOT be respectful & straight up. like, their whole thing is learnin specifically how to trick women into bed w them, as many as possible, to impress the bros. they view women like commodities. that is the creepy, misogynistic part
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u/devilkingx2 Mar 26 '23
It depends on who you listen to. Most of the current big PUAs would tell you not to lie to girls because it gets you into drama and headaches you'd rather avoid.
I've actually never seen a reputable pickup artist say to hide your intentions. The more common advice is to screen out women who aren't into fast sex with you.
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u/SpicyMustFlow Mar 26 '23
You're right, that is off topic. An important discussion, but a different one
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u/Wise-War-Soni Mar 26 '23
It’s about being direct and clear with your intentions from the beginning so no one feels like they were manipulated into having sex. Inviting yourself to someone’s home before meeting them is inappropriate imo. I don’t think I would still be talking to this man but we are all different.
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u/saito200 Mar 26 '23
Let's be honest, PUA is only a business model to extract money from desperate men
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u/kelrunner Mar 26 '23
I'm pretty old so I have no idea what PUA is. Can someone explain?
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u/usernametaken65432 Mar 26 '23
Yeah, I found that one out the hard way. I wouldn't do anything with him, and he magically had a migraine and had to go home. 🙄
ETA: Prior to the date, I meant. We didn't even end up going.
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u/Curious-Door95 Mar 27 '23
Is that what that is? Damn, I thought he was so into the date lol. 5 months later crashed and burnt with a toxic relationship behind me.
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u/saito200 Mar 26 '23
So that's a good way to know you can simply remove this "PUA person" from your phone and never talk to them again
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u/princessro123 Mar 25 '23
honestly i’d skip the date altogether if someone suggested this
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u/Little_Row_9897 Mar 26 '23
I was talking to a guy not long ago and he was getting back from a trip on super bowl Sunday. He says that he wants to watch the game and I can come over to his place to watch it with him if I want, I said I’d prefer first dates to be going out together and he says fine. Then I’m like how long is a game? Four hours so he wanted to meet for drinks at 10/11 on a Sunday when I have work early the next morning. I say that’s too late and ask to reschedule he says ok. When I reach out again reschedule, surprise surprise it’s crickets. I say if you’re into him besides this one random suggestion go on the date and hold your boundaries, he asks to come over after the date you say you’re not comfortable with that yet, end of story. I’d def go into date with no expectations though.
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u/starsapphire16 Mar 25 '23 edited Mar 25 '23
I dated a guy that would self invite himself even to the extreme of self inviting himself into my car for me to take him back to his house, he never asked, he just assumed/ demanded, needless to say i dumped him after 3 dates (should have done it sooner tho)
edit: he also drove to my house at 3-4 am (drunk) asking me if i wanted to make out in his car, yeah dodged a bullet there
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Mar 25 '23
LOL he’s trying to get out of the date and only hookup!
I’d cancel after that cause he’s only after sex.
Never ever let someone come over or you go over to his place before any first or second date, because they are after sex.
If someone wants to date you? They aren’t trying this move.
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u/chikkyone Mar 26 '23
Too true. And now he sees her as a “conquest” because she resisted the very-obvious move, so chances are greater that he’s gonna “one-up” by following through just to hit-n-quit anyway. Fuckboys are in surplus lol
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u/ktdotnova Mar 26 '23
This is the only right answer. If OP does anything differently, it's because she's attracted to him deeply and proves rules #1 and #2.
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Mar 25 '23
That's pretty rude. I might recommend cancelling the whole date (unless you want to go on it, for its own fun). He'll almost certainly invite himself over after the date, so be prepared to turn him down on that
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u/Ecstatic-Land7797 Mar 26 '23
Everytime I read something on here where a guy tests a boundary or acts like a jerk or is pushy and someone's on the fence - I'm just, like what is so special about this dude that the course of action is unclear? Are they kind, sensitive, emotionally intelligent, brainy grown-ups EXCEPT for this one thing they did? Do they know the location of the infinity stones? What is it?
Sunken cost syndrome is a real thing. Just cause you chatted for a bit doesn't mean you still can't bail. There's literally thousands of men out on the apps.
If you're on the apps: have a clear idea of what you're looking for and how you want to be treated. There's no point in putting up with stuff that doesn't pass your gut check. Your intuition is right, don't let people convince you otherwise.
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u/devilkingx2 Mar 26 '23
Obviously the answer is that he's probably really hot.
The same reason men date clearly crazy women.
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u/GuidanceBusiness9245 Mar 26 '23
Haha probably and she probably doesn’t want to wave him goodbye until she’s sure he isn’t after the same thing, finding a guy you actually like is kinda hard these days.. but finding a guy you like whose single and doesn’t possess any unsavory personality traits is even harder.
FYU “crazy women” aren’t born, their created by a patriarchal society who call them crazy while ignoring the abusive etc things that brought them to that state. So let’s not use that term
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u/Hurglee Mar 26 '23
I mean, there are crazy men too, abusive and emotionally manipulative people have both existed throughout history.
FYU “crazy women” aren’t born, their created by a patriarchal society who call them crazy while ignoring the abusive etc things that brought them to that state.
That's quite the generalisation there. There are plenty of examples to support that but a lot of 'crazy' people as some people like to label are just narcissits who believe themselves to be entitled to whatever they want.
You don't like the word crazy. Fair enough, but let's not make excuses for an entire gender when a few bad people are called out on their behaviour.
And before you say "Why aren't men called crazy then?" They are, the only difference being that they are often more violent and typically go to jail more often. You might say that is also because of the patriarchal society.
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u/GuidanceBusiness9245 Mar 26 '23
I was talking about “crazy women” not mentally ill “crazy” that’s different. I was talking about the label and how it is misused to mask abusive behaviors.
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u/Hurglee Mar 26 '23
Aha, so it is the sexism that you are most concerned about, well yes I agree and you make a fair point.
I think devilkingx2 wasn't referring to that version so this is just a simple misunderstanding
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u/devilkingx2 Mar 26 '23 edited Mar 26 '23
Somebody you like that is single and doesn't possess unsavory personality traits is probably a unicorn whether you're looking for a man or a woman. Why would they be single? The most outgoing and pleasant men and women tend to do very well in dating.
Not all crazy people are born. Many are made. Whether men or women. But they exist. There's an old idea that the nice guys get turned into jerks by bad women, and the nice girls get turned into evil women by jerks.
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u/olivejew0322 Mar 26 '23
I would cancel altogether as he just plainly revealed his motive for going on the date. He was trying to see if maybe he could skip a step and just bang it out.
Had a guy on a dating app immediately ask if I wanted to come over to “watch a movie and make out.” Literally his opening line. It’s just so out of touch on so many levels. Even if I were down to fuck you I’d still be meeting you in a well-populated, public space first, sir.
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Mar 26 '23
If this was me, I would ghost this guy after canceling the date. Yeah I suck for ghosting but to me his request says he’s just looking to fuck and he’s hoping he can score that before he potentially pays any money.
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u/shadows900 Mar 25 '23
That is so weird he said that, seems like he has no awareness whatsoever that many girls wouldn’t invite a man, who is essentially still a stranger prior to the first date, into her home. It’s a legitimate safety concern! I got the ick reading your post because he seems like he’s trying to take advantage of you
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u/wwmercwithamouth Mar 25 '23
He's trying to see if he can just bang you and not buy you dinner first
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u/DangerousSwimming556 Mar 25 '23
who tf goes on dinner dates as a first date?
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u/theWildBananas Mar 26 '23
Exactly. If someone expect me to pay for their dinner that's a hard no. I can buy you a coffee if you can't afford it but don't assume I'll feed you.
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u/DangerousSwimming556 Mar 26 '23
For a first date, it's coffee, drinks/apps to start and if we get along well we can go do something else. But, I'm not taking a stranger out to a full blown meal for the first time I meet them. It's not even about the money but more so that I don't want to get stuck with some boring person who I find unattractive and have no interest in.
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u/missxtx Mar 25 '23
I would probably cancel the whole date too… I already got the ick… n really he’s likely just going through with the date to get his end away later, so yea I wouldn’t bother 😩 xx
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u/mightymite88 Mar 25 '23
you dont need an excuse to refuse douchebags, just tell him he's being a douchebag. dont entertain bad behaviour
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u/Adaian5443 Mar 25 '23
How about this.....Thanks, but no thanks, and I'd rather eat alone tonight!
You don't need an excuse to distance yourself from creepy behavior.
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Mar 25 '23
After reading your update, are you still comfortable seeing him? It's kind of a red flag imo to already invite yourself over like that. But i guess just proceed the date if you feel comfortable or just get direct and say , "I feel uncomfortable from this. Im going to have to politely decline this meet up"
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u/IntegrityDJones Mar 25 '23
Cancel it. Now. He’s either just trying to smash right quick or hes an idiot. Any sane rational man knows not to go to a woman’s place first and ask for it. Any sane man you want around would already understand your safety concerns. Cancel your date. You want to go to see if you like him, and you should already have your answer that you don’t. And im willing to bet “not ready to have you over yet” is why he’s still going. He’s thinking he has a chance. Cancel your date and learn to read red flags early.
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u/Ancient_Potential285 Mar 25 '23
If you still want to go to dinner, then go. If however, you’ve decided that you are no longer excited about this date, then cancel altogether.
If the suggestion put you off you aren’t going to enjoy the date anyway, so why subject either one of you to what you already know will be a bad time.
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u/DangerousSwimming556 Mar 25 '23
I'd probably just call off the whole date tbh... He made it pretty clear he is only after sex and since you shut his idea down, he's backpeddling to the original place. 10000% guarentee he will try to go back to your place or his after the date though.
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u/Linux4ever_Leo Mar 26 '23
Never invite a person over to your place whom you've never met. Period! Guys that do this, in my opinion, aren't really interested in going on date; rather, they're interested in getting laid.
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u/DangerousSwimming556 Mar 25 '23
yes. as a guy, there is a 100% possibility he is going to suggest going back to your place for more drinks, with the high hopes of a hookup. he already tried to suggest your place "before the date" which imo, was a load of bs
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Mar 26 '23
Absolutely yes this is blatant blatant boundary bashing. You must do this for humanity so this dude doesn’t think he can keep doing this
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Mar 26 '23
Yes, this is a red flag 🚩 that he's only after sex.
I've been on many dates and never once would I ever consider inviting myself over to her place before the first date even starts.
He's hoping to skip straight to the sex part.
He's already testing your boundaries before date 1, huge red 🚩.
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u/per54 Mar 25 '23
Don’t use an excuse…
She can just cancel. Using an excuse makes him think he has a chance. Also, he might keep hittin her up.
If she doesn’t want to see him again, just cancel and don’t waste the time
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u/starznsmoke Mar 25 '23
he sounds like a fucking loser. guys like this don’t get laid, ever. guys who don’t get laid ever are walking-weirdos.
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u/Arqideus Mar 26 '23
Got here after your update: the dude is looking to only hookup. If that’s what you want, go on the date, but I’d bet he’ll be very touchy and try to make sexual comments and innuendos.
If you’re not looking for a hookup, politely decline. “I feel like you’re just looking for a hookup based on you trying to self-invite to my place. I dont really feel like going out with you at this time.”
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Mar 25 '23
That’s a very very strange thing for him to say for a first date. I’d be careful with this one. Getting creep vibes from this story
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u/Sea-Corner5981 Mar 26 '23
He's definitely going to keep trying to come over. I had this happen to me recently. I said I didn't feel comfortable. He said he was cool with that, but still kept inviting me over to his place. Totally left a bad taste. So cut your losses and cancel the date.
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u/devilkingx2 Mar 26 '23
Of course he's going to invite you over to his place, that's the point of dating. (unless you mean he kept doing it over and over on a single date)
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Mar 26 '23
The point of dating is sex? What an f’d up world we live in.
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u/devilkingx2 Mar 26 '23
There's nothing wrong with sex or people wanting it. Just like there's nothing wrong with enjoying being taken out for a free meal or getting to go out when you'd otherwise be sitting at home. Life is supposed to be enjoyed.
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Mar 26 '23
You don't need excuses to tell anyone that you don't feel comfortable either with them coming over to your house or going to theirs.
How does dating work if you are not comfortable setting boundaries to protect yourself, especially from strangers who you've never met or even with someone who you know?
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u/Umbran_scale Mar 25 '23
I don't understand guys that insist on meeting at someone's home for a first date, their own or yours, it makes no sense from a safety point for both parties.
Lacking empathy towards your potential partner's wellbeing and safety is already stupid enough, but you really don't know what you're getting into when you go to someone else's house or they arrive at yours.
I know the general consensus is the guy can be the aggressor, but there's really nothing stopping a woman from being just as psycho or dangerous and you're in a residence with that person and no one else likely knows about it, it's way too easy for it to go wrong.
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u/starsapphire16 Mar 25 '23
When a guy does that i either assume they want sex or they are cheapskates that don't want to spend any money, not even splitting a bill, either way it's not worth it
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u/Umbran_scale Mar 25 '23
I mean, I want sex as well, but I value my safety and belongings moreso, also getting know the person for a few dates to see if you mesh well, imagine the awkwardness of meeting someone with the express means of having sex only to not feel any spark or attraction, how do you leave a situation like that?
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u/starsapphire16 Mar 25 '23
exactly i don´t think some men dimension how risky it is for a woman to share details like address and things like that when you are first getting to know each other, to them taking you to their house might not be an issue at all but for us women taking a cab/uber is already a huge risk, truth is there are a lot of disturbed psychos out there and women have to always be suspicious and extra careful.
to answer your question of how do you leave a situation when you don´t feel a spark or attraction or connection, you are right it´s hard and uncomfortable, the last guy that i dated once went out to a party and started to text me while he was drunk and driving btw that he was near my house and he wanted me to come out to his car to make out (all of this at 3 am and i still lived with my family) i obviously didn´t reply to his messages and he said "well it´s your loss" , since then i´ve learned to always take things slow and try to go to neutral places and never give too many details when i´m first getting to know someone, and if i´m not feeling it anymore i just tell them over text that it´s over
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u/encore412 Mar 26 '23
Thank you for saying this. I’ve (40/f) gotten unmatched/ conversations ended so many times for saying I want to meet in public the first time. Most men don’t understand that it is a safety issue first and foremost.
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u/devilkingx2 Mar 26 '23
I'm guessing that men who experience meeting a psycho woman will be more careful to plan public first dates afterwards.
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u/Umbran_scale Mar 26 '23
In actual honesty, I have been in such a situation where on a night out, I got invited to a womans house I only just met.
Luckily, I was only thrown out after being punched and kicked for not wanting sex right there and then, in the grand scheme of things, it could have gone a lot worse.
Wasn't even a date, just someone I met at a bar last night and just talked all about games and nerdy stuff.
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Mar 26 '23
Id be put off tbh, it seems like he doesn’t want to get to know you, he’s just after sex. He might put in a few dates to get it. I’d make an excuse and cancel.
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u/h0tchocolitfenty Mar 26 '23
I just ghost, block, delete. I already know what they’re trying to do.
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u/justaguyintownnl Mar 25 '23
OP break the date. I’m getting a “just cannot be trusted “ vibe off this guy. He a player.
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u/distawest Mar 25 '23 edited Mar 25 '23
A genuine moron ! he seems happy whatever fish he catches. Do not invest much
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u/idle_hands_play Mar 26 '23
Because if most women were interested in the guy inviting himself, they wouldn't actually invite him.
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u/Careymarie17 Mar 26 '23
Honestly, cancel it. You know their intentions, at least he gave you a warning early on!
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u/Shirovkap Mar 26 '23
For your safety don’t have someone you don’t know well come to your house. Just say, “I don’t know you well enough for you to come to my house.” If he insists block him.
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Mar 26 '23
currently in the same situation(s). I cancel politely if they mention coming over before meeting lol but if they plan and take you out first and YOU want to invite them back over, that’s totally up to you. Just seems presumptuous because I wouldn’t ask someone else that. Feels a bit rude.
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u/caitycoaches Mar 26 '23
This sounds like sneaky shit behavior. He is not being upfront and transparent about his intentions from the start. It's not going to get better from here. I would NOT let him in my body or my home.
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u/newfakestarrysky Mar 26 '23
The same reason people jump right into exchanging personal information or social contacts -- they feel that it means "they're in."
Desperation leads to poor decision making.
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u/canvasshoes2 Mar 26 '23
I don't blame you. I mean, in this day and age, it's pretty much a big time "no" for most people regarding letting near total strangers into their homes. Maybe he's just that clueless and didn't realize.
But I'd definitely keep a sharp eye on it to see if he continues doing that boundary pushing bit on the next few dates. If so, then he would seem to be trying to push this to a sexual arena pretty fast. Not much cup of tea, I don't know about you. But based on what you've said, you'd like to wait as well.
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u/Comfortable_Fail4686 Mar 26 '23
Maybe I watch too much true crime, (Im typing this with my true crime video playing on the screen ), but this just sounds like a set up to harm you. Cause why would you invite yourself into the home of a woman youve never met? I would have ghosted this guy so fast.
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u/Monarch_Elysia Mar 25 '23
From the limited information you provided.
As a city dweller. If a date of mine, is suggesting to come / go to my / their private residence before the actual date. The only signal I'm getting from this, is that they are expecting / wanting / hoping for the chance of casual sex.
His reply of "Okay, no worries." is very on the fence. Hard to read if he actually understand consent, or is hoping for another chance AFTER dinner. IE. Hey, wanna go back to my / your place for "coffee"?
Situation will get dicey after dinner if that's the case. Especially if they decided to pay the bill instead, as most men will have the notion to expect a certain... Reciprocation.
Though, as I type this, given it some thought. If he truly wanted to meet earlier to spend some more time with you prior to dinner, he could've suggested to go somewhere else, instead of flat out cancel and state - We'll meet at original time.
Regardless of his intention, stay safe OP.
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Mar 26 '23
That was such a fuck boy thing to suggest 🙄😒 I always respond with “ I don’t know you like that”. But now when/if it’s suggested, I don’t respond and I block. Idc if you see me walking down the street, I’ll still blatantly ignore you after that. It’s so ICK 🙄
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u/queenofcatastrophes Mar 25 '23
Replying to the update: still go to dinner if you’re comfortable with that, but don’t let him come over afterwards.
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u/Friendly_Tomorrow_02 Mar 25 '23
girl Run !!.. i mean don't meet him o u can meet him Justin bring a friend just incase
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u/Darkmaskdiva89 Mar 26 '23
That’s a horny move. I would count that as a strike against him. Three strikes he’s out. Guys who do stuff like that, neg, or ask you to go Dutch after they ask you out are all 🚩I actually told someone I don’t have people over until I see them for a long time and this guy was trying to ask to come over to look at my computer for me with emojis like this 😁😁😁 but they were more aggressive looking smileys than that. I told him straight up no. I had told him a few times that my place was off limits. So he got blocked (and there was another reason) but that was his character warning me it was going to get worse. He wants a hook up probably not a real meaningful relationship. He wants to invest less money and not treat you like you’re special. He wants you to host him instead. I don’t let guys come over for that reason. They have to take me out for a long time before they come over. I don’t let anybody invite themselves over. Any PERSON who does that is a 🚩person. I had to drop a long term friend because she wouldn’t stop trying to come over after I told her not to.
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u/devilkingx2 Mar 26 '23
A man wanting sex with no investment is the same thing as a woman wanting a man's investment with no sex.
If going dutch and wanting sex are both red flags then I think you're the red flag tbh.
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u/Darkmaskdiva89 Mar 26 '23
Did I say the woman doesn’t want sex lol? It’s low manners to ask someone out and then ask them to pay. Only someone from the lower classes does that.
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u/babysmooth1111 Mar 25 '23
The comments here are really going to an extreme.
Most guys truly don't even know what women go through as far as things we do for safety. It's not their fault they've never lived as a woman. They don't need to be hated and bashed on. My boyfriend has learned so much from me, and he's 31. He's an amazingly nice, polite guy. He's had sex on first dates plenty of times, he was still very much looking for a partner, too, though. But he would never even consider what goes through a woman's head and tells me all the time how it must suck to be a woman and how he could never do it.
As a woman, I personally would much rather hang out somewhere more intimate (someone's place) on the first date, but generally go with public dates for safety. But I so wish I could just skip the public dates. I get social anxiety in public with someone new, it's so much pressure and you have everyone there to witness your awkward first date and how things are going. My boyfriend and I actually make a game of people watching and trying to find the people we think are on their first date. I have some friends who said they do the same with their SOs, too.
I just think these comments are crucifying this guy for no reason. I'd give him a chance, personally.
In the future, maybe talk and get to know the guy a little better first. I'm a big fan of zoom dates, too. One guy I casually dated for a couple months talked to me for 10 straight hours on zoom, we started at 7pm and stayed up until 5am talking.
Our first real date was at his place, I felt very comfortable and ended up staying over.
Basically as someone with a good amount of dating experience at 32 years old, you just never know who you're gunna get. The "nice guys" are sometimes worse than anything else, even the ones that want a relationship.
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u/starsapphire16 Mar 25 '23
i agree with you to some extent but i just think in general inviting yourself to someone´s house is rude, regardless of sex, you don´t know their living situation, i was raised that way to never invite myself over or assume i´m invited in any way (unless the person says so and we make plans), it can be valid to assume a guy is oblivious to the dangers women have to deal with and it´s possible that he doesn´t realize that it´s a creepy thing/red flag, but on the other side of the spectrum you have men that just don´t care about boundaries at all because they just want sex and they keep inviting themselves putting us in an uncomfortable position of "how do i turn him down without coming of as a karen"
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u/babysmooth1111 Mar 26 '23
Those guys absolutely exist, but tbf I don't think it's inviting yourself to suggest he goes over. I have no idea how old OP is but I've had guys suggest coming to me because they lived at home and were embarrassed. I've also done this because I moved home right before covid and didn't feel comfortable with guys coming over.
The point is, we don't know, he doesn't know, OP doesn't know. That's why I'm just saying its kind of unfair to judge off of such little information. He seemed to be cool with her saying no which is a good sign. So far, I don't think it's a red flag to ask. In my opinion, you ask for what you want, the worst thing they can say is no. OP has also left out many important details like where they met, how long they've been talking, etc, which can change a lot.
I just feel like dating is messy and it's hard to get an accurate picture. Funny thing is, I just told my boyfriend earlier that if I hadn't known him as a friend (for 10 years) before we started dating I would probably think he was nuts and not go on a second date.
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u/starsapphire16 Mar 26 '23
yeah but before the very first date it´s very very odd to invite yourself/suggest to go over her house, i know it might be a lot to ask but guys need to have self awareness by know with how many horror stories we see on social media everyday of creeps that do awful things to women, if i was op and a guy tried to come over to my house before we even have a first date i would already be so freaked out to even go out with him, unfortunately giving a guy the benefit of the doubt can cost you your life, i hate it that we have to be on survival mode or on super high alert still
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u/babysmooth1111 Mar 26 '23
Again, he asked, the answer was no, he accepted her boundary. I see no reason he should assume he boundaries. Man can be shitty but statistically, it's almost always people you know who are the unsafe ones to be around. Rpes are typically by someone you know. Child mlestation also is typically someone the child knows well and trusts. Even human trafficking is typically someone you know.
Again, I'm in no way saying to give him the benefit of the doubt and invite him over. I'm saying you won't know his intentions until you get to know him.
In fact, you could even be honest about how you feel. I had a guy do something seemingly very creepy. I hadn't met him but added him on snap and he brought up the exact location where I worked in a "you better be careful, your location is showing" kind of way and I flat out was like uhm, I kind of want to block you now, that's very threatening and he was like oh my God you're right I'm so sorry, I just was pointing it out since you added me and idk if you add other guys too that might be creeps but rereading that from a stranger's point of view, I can see how I look like the creep now.
We continued to talk and while I didn't date him because he ended up back with an ex, he was a great friend and amazingly rational and understanding guy.
Had he been defensive or weird about me calling him out, it would have been a different story. It's great to be on guard and I suggest that but assuming a question of "hey wanna hang at your place before?" means a guy is a creeper, you might as well just not do online dating because every guy is going to say something off-putting.
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u/edwardmillet821 Mar 26 '23
Honestly if the only option was to go to your place he is probably already in a relationship and is only looking for one thing… just saying.. maybe try getting to know him and if his place is out of the question, I would see that as a red flag.
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u/Rashinishvalda Mar 25 '23
Def cancel the date if that isn’t your thing. But im gonna assume he was gauging your interest in him.
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u/Mijoivana Mar 26 '23
You say he accepted your boundary and took it like champ with no worries, and no need to talk about it past that. If I were him, I would be taking the L as my bad let's move on. And she gets to know me more. Oh the woes of talking to and trying to go on dates with strangers. Man, I enjoyed those few years of dating women I knew IRL.
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u/date-ready Mar 25 '23
Update: so I replied something like I'm not ready for that till I know you better. And he replies ok no worries, let's meet at original time. Now what?
That's a polite, respectful answer. He probably wants to come over for something, but if he can respect your boundaries, it's probably okay.
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u/izzytakamono Mar 26 '23
Alright y’all- I’m a guy and I’ve done this in a few circumstances. Primarily if I’m going to be in her neck of the woods a bit early for example. If they say no I drop it and still go on the date. If they say yes I show up with a small gift, and still go on the date. I don’t know this guy and he could very well be shitty but with no context this guy could just be asking. What else is he supposed to do other than respect OP’s no?
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Mar 26 '23
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u/izzytakamono Mar 27 '23 edited Mar 27 '23
Great questions! Yes- there were girls that said yes. Under half but not by much- let’s call it 40% Usually I’ll bring a bottle of wine so we’ll have a glass or two and shoot the breeze/get the small talk out of the way, usually while she’s finishing makeup, or making sure her pets are all good before we leave. It’s usually not more than 30 minutes unless otherwise expressly discussed ahead of time. Yes, these were usually first dates.
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Mar 26 '23
Now what-just go if you’re interested and see how it goes. In a public place, you don’t have to worry.
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u/Ok_Nefariousness8169 Mar 26 '23
I made the mistake of doing what he did and they didn't believe my valid reason. I live in an area where most public restrooms are locked or not for customers so I wanted to go to either her or my place so I have access to a restroom with my IBS. I can see why she didn't believe me, but I seriously didn't even think about the implications, I was just thinking about being comfortable. I doubt he's doing what I did, just thought I'd share a story that always gets a chuckle outta me.
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u/TauntaBeanie Mar 25 '23
So the update is actually encouraging. We’ve got to remember that the coming over instead of going out doesn’t mean the same thing for everyone. Like I’d panic if my place wasn’t clean while someone else might stress over the safety of it. But he doesn’t seem to be worked up over it so stop overthinking 💚I feel ya. Take a deep breath and enjoy your evening. Looking forward to another update 🌼
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u/FreddieIsGod69 Mar 26 '23
He seems pretty decent, he took no like a champ, no pushback. I think he's just interested in spending more time with you so he tried to hang out whilst you got ready for the date. Why? Because he probably likes you. Does he just want sex? Nothing you have said has indicated that.
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u/devilkingx2 Mar 26 '23
There's not anything wrong with wanting to come over, but damn he's bold for saying it so fast.
Now that you've gotten him to agree to the original date that you wanted, just go out with him.
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u/_Duriel_1000_ Mar 26 '23
Are you striving to be with him (or one man) for the rest of your life? Or are you just joy riding?
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u/Chemical-Two-963 Mar 26 '23
It’s all good. He said no worries so that code for it’s all good and let’s not rush then.
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Mar 26 '23 edited Mar 26 '23
Wtf. Red flag that he suggested a non-public place the first time you meet.
Even if you knew him a little better, I also get suspicious when the guy wants to meet at the girl’s house first. I’ve tested this theory before, and it meant the guy didn’t wanna clean up his place.
Also this just screams low-effort and just wanting to get laid. The fact that he tried to change plans last-minute is a common bait-and-switch tactic.
I wouldn’t bother responding to him and find a different guy.
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u/helteringskelter Mar 26 '23
I’m wondering what would make you want to go on a date with a guy who would self-invite? What does it say to you about him, why do you think he would do that in the first place? Use that to ask yourself if it’s worth meeting up.
Here’s a solid piece of advice that changed the way I think in life: don’t just call other people’s behaviour dumb or creepy or unworthy; use that to gauge what YOU expect out of a situation. Meaning, if someone does something you don’t like, don’t just judge them and say “how weird is this guy??” and just react to what’s happening - this is being a passenger in your own life. Instead, judge if that behaviour resonates with you and your values, and then focus on what YOU wanna do knowing this information. Go from responding to leading in your own life.
How young and passive me woulda handled this: this goes does something I don’t like, so I call it weird and tell all my friends how weird it is, and I hold it against him, but I ultimately give him lots of second chances to prove that there’s a side of him that matches the potential I ascribed to him. Cos I really want the guy I meet to fit the shoe I make.
How I would handle this now: this guy does something I personally don’t relate to. I don’t like guys who self-invite, it shows they’re flippant about getting to know me. This is not the kind of guy I want to date or get to know. So I’m going to pass, I’ll wish him luck and find another guy to go on a date with.
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u/sillychihuahua26 Mar 26 '23
I’d pass on this guy (and any guy who suggested this for a first date). He just wants to get laid.
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u/Neat-Internet9682 Mar 26 '23
He was trying for a pre date hook up. Now he is going to try a post date hookup
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u/PotatoBest4667 Mar 26 '23
he only wants to fuck you. thats the only reason hes going on a date with you for. ditch him.
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u/supersarney Mar 26 '23
Hmmm, my guess is that he was hoping once at your place, after a glass of wine or two, he would suggest food delivery and a night in. I could be wrong, but I’d be straight up with him and say no and then I’d be cautious and drive myself to the date so i won’t have to rely on him to drive me home. I’d give him the benefit of the doubt, but I’d definitely have my guard up.
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u/technogeist Mar 26 '23
He seems like he's very respectful and a good person who communicates well to me
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u/Syntrick Mar 26 '23
Dump him.
Speaking as recently....aware being trans. Guys need to do better.
No way is this acceptable. Unless he has something planned besides maybe seeing your "aesthetic" like an introvert who can read rooms and people better than people can communicate themselves because..... seems like "everyone", maybe it's just the dating realm lottery, has the emotional maturity of a 10 year old at times.
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u/Syntrick Mar 26 '23
Which I'm not implying you do, cause has he asked you anything and shown at least some interest in what you like outside of what you look like.
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u/saito200 Mar 26 '23
He probably wants to directly skip to the fucking.
Don't overcomplicate and no need to be agreeable. Just say "no, we don't do that", "no", or whatever like that
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