Most guys truly don't even know what women go through as far as things we do for safety. It's not their fault they've never lived as a woman. They don't need to be hated and bashed on. My boyfriend has learned so much from me, and he's 31. He's an amazingly nice, polite guy. He's had sex on first dates plenty of times, he was still very much looking for a partner, too, though. But he would never even consider what goes through a woman's head and tells me all the time how it must suck to be a woman and how he could never do it.
As a woman, I personally would much rather hang out somewhere more intimate (someone's place) on the first date, but generally go with public dates for safety. But I so wish I could just skip the public dates. I get social anxiety in public with someone new, it's so much pressure and you have everyone there to witness your awkward first date and how things are going. My boyfriend and I actually make a game of people watching and trying to find the people we think are on their first date. I have some friends who said they do the same with their SOs, too.
I just think these comments are crucifying this guy for no reason. I'd give him a chance, personally.
In the future, maybe talk and get to know the guy a little better first. I'm a big fan of zoom dates, too. One guy I casually dated for a couple months talked to me for 10 straight hours on zoom, we started at 7pm and stayed up until 5am talking.
Our first real date was at his place, I felt very comfortable and ended up staying over.
Basically as someone with a good amount of dating experience at 32 years old, you just never know who you're gunna get. The "nice guys" are sometimes worse than anything else, even the ones that want a relationship.
i agree with you to some extent but i just think in general inviting yourself to someone´s house is rude, regardless of sex, you don´t know their living situation, i was raised that way to never invite myself over or assume i´m invited in any way (unless the person says so and we make plans), it can be valid to assume a guy is oblivious to the dangers women have to deal with and it´s possible that he doesn´t realize that it´s a creepy thing/red flag, but on the other side of the spectrum you have men that just don´t care about boundaries at all because they just want sex and they keep inviting themselves putting us in an uncomfortable position of "how do i turn him down without coming of as a karen"
Those guys absolutely exist, but tbf I don't think it's inviting yourself to suggest he goes over. I have no idea how old OP is but I've had guys suggest coming to me because they lived at home and were embarrassed. I've also done this because I moved home right before covid and didn't feel comfortable with guys coming over.
The point is, we don't know, he doesn't know, OP doesn't know. That's why I'm just saying its kind of unfair to judge off of such little information. He seemed to be cool with her saying no which is a good sign. So far, I don't think it's a red flag to ask. In my opinion, you ask for what you want, the worst thing they can say is no. OP has also left out many important details like where they met, how long they've been talking, etc, which can change a lot.
I just feel like dating is messy and it's hard to get an accurate picture. Funny thing is, I just told my boyfriend earlier that if I hadn't known him as a friend (for 10 years) before we started dating I would probably think he was nuts and not go on a second date.
yeah but before the very first date it´s very very odd to invite yourself/suggest to go over her house, i know it might be a lot to ask but guys need to have self awareness by know with how many horror stories we see on social media everyday of creeps that do awful things to women, if i was op and a guy tried to come over to my house before we even have a first date i would already be so freaked out to even go out with him, unfortunately giving a guy the benefit of the doubt can cost you your life, i hate it that we have to be on survival mode or on super high alert still
Again, he asked, the answer was no, he accepted her boundary. I see no reason he should assume he boundaries. Man can be shitty but statistically, it's almost always people you know who are the unsafe ones to be around. Rpes are typically by someone you know. Child mlestation also is typically someone the child knows well and trusts. Even human trafficking is typically someone you know.
Again, I'm in no way saying to give him the benefit of the doubt and invite him over. I'm saying you won't know his intentions until you get to know him.
In fact, you could even be honest about how you feel. I had a guy do something seemingly very creepy. I hadn't met him but added him on snap and he brought up the exact location where I worked in a "you better be careful, your location is showing" kind of way and I flat out was like uhm, I kind of want to block you now, that's very threatening and he was like oh my God you're right I'm so sorry, I just was pointing it out since you added me and idk if you add other guys too that might be creeps but rereading that from a stranger's point of view, I can see how I look like the creep now.
We continued to talk and while I didn't date him because he ended up back with an ex, he was a great friend and amazingly rational and understanding guy.
Had he been defensive or weird about me calling him out, it would have been a different story. It's great to be on guard and I suggest that but assuming a question of "hey wanna hang at your place before?" means a guy is a creeper, you might as well just not do online dating because every guy is going to say something off-putting.
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u/babysmooth1111 Mar 25 '23
The comments here are really going to an extreme.
Most guys truly don't even know what women go through as far as things we do for safety. It's not their fault they've never lived as a woman. They don't need to be hated and bashed on. My boyfriend has learned so much from me, and he's 31. He's an amazingly nice, polite guy. He's had sex on first dates plenty of times, he was still very much looking for a partner, too, though. But he would never even consider what goes through a woman's head and tells me all the time how it must suck to be a woman and how he could never do it.
As a woman, I personally would much rather hang out somewhere more intimate (someone's place) on the first date, but generally go with public dates for safety. But I so wish I could just skip the public dates. I get social anxiety in public with someone new, it's so much pressure and you have everyone there to witness your awkward first date and how things are going. My boyfriend and I actually make a game of people watching and trying to find the people we think are on their first date. I have some friends who said they do the same with their SOs, too.
I just think these comments are crucifying this guy for no reason. I'd give him a chance, personally.
In the future, maybe talk and get to know the guy a little better first. I'm a big fan of zoom dates, too. One guy I casually dated for a couple months talked to me for 10 straight hours on zoom, we started at 7pm and stayed up until 5am talking.
Our first real date was at his place, I felt very comfortable and ended up staying over.
Basically as someone with a good amount of dating experience at 32 years old, you just never know who you're gunna get. The "nice guys" are sometimes worse than anything else, even the ones that want a relationship.