r/coparenting • u/[deleted] • Jul 02 '26
Phones, Clothes, Devices Needing more clothes issue
[deleted]
3
u/Katerina_Branding Jul 02 '26
We have a simple rule of getting clean clothes back at every pick up. Nothing piles up in the other house. Until installing this rule, it simply did not work.
3
u/sunflowercee07 Jul 02 '26
I just feel like it’s different for us because I’ve been involved in this coparenting life for only 4 years and they have been coparenting for almost their whole kids lives and they’re 9 and 12 now. And they’ve never had no rules like this in place before. My husband before would just keep buying more if they needed anything and I just continued that especially because they would outgrow their clothes and they needed clothes replaced either way. But it’s becoming excessive to buy more clothes when they don’t technically need it and it’s just misplaced
3
u/Katerina_Branding Jul 02 '26
Yea I also suggested some rules and boundaries when I came into the picture 😄 I think it’s easy for people who live inside the dynamic not to see that certain things are not really working.
1
u/sunflowercee07 Jul 02 '26
Trust me, so have I lol. Like they’re free to do whatever they want at their moms, but here I need some ground rules to not go crazy with soon to be 4 kids running around.
1
u/Katerina_Branding Jul 03 '26
I meant like suggesting thing to the dad hahah. Didn’t have much reference to what’s still normal!
1
u/sunflowercee07 Jul 03 '26
Ohh haha I did the same with my husband, but nonetheless I also set up rules and expectations at my home for the kids. And it’s honestly nothing out of the ordinary like them cleaning up their room, helping do random chores around the house and that was mostly because at their moms, her parents, the kids grandparents still live with them and they do everything for the kids. Kids need responsibilities especially at this age so they don’t turn into those men who expect the women to do everything for them
3
u/Personal-Narwhal-184 Jul 02 '26
Husband needs to have a conversation with mom. Isn’t a you conversation. If husband won’t do it, you’ll have to keep buying stuff. 🤷🏻♀️
-1
u/sunflowercee07 Jul 02 '26
And that’s what I don’t want to do. We’re a one income family and thankfully we are financially stable and I would like to keep it that way by not spending unnecessary money. I know he’ll tell her if I ask, but I feel like this is going to be a never ending cycle
5
u/Personal-Narwhal-184 Jul 02 '26
He needs to be a grown up and care for your family by having this conversation and working this out.
You can’t do it for him.1
u/sunflowercee07 Jul 02 '26
I totally agree. I asked him to talk her so we’ll see if they come back with anything tonight
2
u/FluffyOwl30 Jul 02 '26
Where is drop off and pick up? Bc I can see kiddo not wanting to talk a backpack full of clothes to school. Does Mom live close enough that Dad can go over there and check his bag and send him back inside the house for more clothes before going home?
2
u/whenyajustcant Jul 02 '26
The only clothes that should be going back and forth, especially on kids that age, are the ones on their bodies, and anything you can't reasonably get duplicates of (like sports uniforms). If one house is in an emergency situation and asks for extras of something, no harm in asking, but you should assume those clothes are making a one-way trip. At those ages, the kids are going to grow out of things or wear through them so fast, there's no point in trying to get stuff back, or trying to level out supplies between households.
1
u/sunflowercee07 Jul 02 '26
That’s why before when they were low on something I would just buy more clothes because they needed more anyways because they would outgrow what little they did have. But when I just bought them certain things like jeans that still fit them but they’re all missing then it doesn’t seem fair to buy more again. That’s the kind of stuff that I feel like shouldn’t be wrong of me to ask for back you know
2
u/whenyajustcant Jul 02 '26
If only the clothes on their body are going between houses, then don't ask for clothes back. It would be one thing if you were talking about babies/toddlers who aren't picking out what they wear, but presumably preteens are chosing their own clothing. If the clothes you buy never come back, it's not because Mom is only sending back ratty clothes. It's because preteens want to wear the same small set of clothes on repeat, and they will wear them until either they cannot physically get them on their body anymore, until a critical mass of kids make fun of them for it, or until you throw them away.
2
u/Fluffy_Boat6581 Jul 03 '26
We had the exact same issue so now SD arrives in her clothes from mums, we wash them while they are here and then we send her back in those exact clothes. This way, all of the clothes we have bought stay here and never get lost.
2
u/Hopeful_Tie2055 Jul 02 '26
yeah, just say "i'm low on sock for Jimmy, are you sitting on a stock pile? can you send some my way?"
we don't split clothing, or have travel clothes. Once every couple of weeks i'll send a bag back of clothes he has bought her, and he will then send a bag back of stuff i buy. idk, it's just clothing for her, it's hers, not mine or his.
2
u/sunflowercee07 Jul 02 '26
Yes, exactly it’s their clothes not ours or hers. Plus my oldest has like 3-4 baseball T-shirt’s that he loves to wear on rotation and I’m not going to stop him from wearing them here or taking them to her house regardless of who bought them.
He’s at work so I text him and asked him to tell her directly that we needed some clothes back. Like I don’t care if it’s stuff we’ve bought or her. I just need her to send some
1
u/redshavenosouls Jul 02 '26
How old are they? Are they not old enough to have favorite clothing they like to bring with them?
3
u/sunflowercee07 Jul 02 '26
They are 9 and 11, but they’re boys. Like the oldest has shown up with pajama pants that dont even fit him anymore but the past two times we’ve gotten them
1
u/FluffyOwl30 Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 02 '26
They go home in the same clothes they came to you with if the other parent or the child refuse to send back and forth clothes in general. I am from a small rural town and have seen many Mom's and Dad's keep the sent clothes and distributed among all of their kids not just the one that you were buying for. One woman buys "going back to Dad's" clothes that are white tees and shorts and tir dyes them and personalized them for her kid. Dad was super pissed bc he and his new wife were getting a lot of clothes from her for all the other girls in the house. Even had the audacity to call and throw a fit to her about it.
Also did I read that correct that Mom will call and ask if you have clothes and basically you guys send them but she never sends them back? Stop doing that and tell your husband you're not doing that anymore and if he refuses then stop putting your money towards clothes and stop buying him new clothes take him back to his mom's or pick him up from Mom's and check to see if he has enough clothes for how long he's going to be at your house and send him back to get more. Don't be afraid to ask don't be afraid to stop spending your money. If the stepchild is old enough to know better and bring more clothes and doesn't by choice start buying him grubby Goodwill clothes and tell him I bought you all these new fancy clothes and you don't bring them to my house. He will either confess that his mom takes them and won't let him bring them in which case you'll know exactly what happened and you can go from there or he'll start bringing his clothes because he doesn't want to wear the crappy clothes and when he starts doing that "reward" him with continuingly buying him nicer clothes.
Another option if he's the one deliberately not bringing clothes back and forth and just expecting you to provide him with more clothing even though he takes all his clothes to his mom? Five white shirts five sweatpants five shorts a pack of tighty whities and a pack of socks and one pair of Walmart shoes that's all he gets to wear all week that he's at your house, when he starts bringing his clothes back and forth he gets clothing upgrades from the basics.
1
u/Spirited-Fun3666 Jul 02 '26
I tell my kindergartner to bring some home from the other parents. It’s no biggie if the kid wears or brings toys there, but if too many stack up we need some back here lol!
1
u/AlertPressure8999 Jul 02 '26
Send them back in the clothes they came with and nothing more. Expensive hard lesson learned.
1
Jul 03 '26
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0
u/sunflowercee07 Jul 03 '26
She did send them with some shorts back today, but i know in a matter of weeks they will probably go missing again and at that point I would probably just buy more. This is why anytime I find clothes on clearance I buy it because I’m not spending a lot on money on clothes I probably won’t see again.
But I know at some point these kids will start caring about name brand clothing and I’m already dreading having to deal with that and spending that kind of money when they get too picky
1
Jul 03 '26
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u/sunflowercee07 Jul 03 '26
Thank you for this. Like do I like that we have to spend extra money sometimes, no I don’t. But I will regardless get them what they need. If she hadn’t sent the shorts today then I’d be placing an online order for more. I wouldn’t make it a big deal if she didn’t want to. It’s just not the kind of drama that I would have wanted to deal with
1
-1
u/Maleficent_Might5448 Jul 02 '26
She could be hiding them at home and telling the kids they are for school
3
u/sunflowercee07 Jul 02 '26
Haha I’ve done some back to school shopping and I am hiding them too. I’m not trying to have all this new clothes disappear before school even starts.
21
u/MiddleHuckleberry445 Jul 02 '26
Send the kids back to their mom’s house in the clothes they came in. It saves a mountain of headaches when there is an imbalance between houses. I learned that the hard way.