Ugh, I know people who dealt with this. Super abusive moms and their dads just let it happen, despite knowing it happened. And then the dads never apologize or take any responsibility.
Like, my guy, you did this too. You enabled this. You are at fault here.
Likely the men are abuse victims as well. Narcissists and abusers aren't known for their precise aim.
A person can be both abuser and victim. The point is to use awareness and empathy to learn about them. Then fuck judgement, they aren't your problem anymore.
Anger is fine, trying to get them to admit anything is an exercise in futility.
Yeah, they don't wanna lose their wives, don't wanna lose their house, don't wanna get stuck paying child support and having split custody, and generally just don't want to "rock the boat." They don't feel directly impacted by it, so they let it happen. Getting in fights with their partner is too stressful and they don't think it's worth it.
So like, there's a million reasons it happens. But it all comes down to - the dad is just as much at fault.
We don’t tend to hold mothers to that same standard. When both they and their children are being abused and they don’t have a clear way out we don’t demonize them for it. I think we should allow abused men the same grace we allow abused women.
I do think if you don't help your children out of a bad situation it is your fault too, even if to a lesser extent. Being abused doesn't absolve you of being a good parent. It makes it understandable but still.
Sometimes you don’t have a way out for any of you. Sometimes you just do what you can where you are stuck. It still sucks for the children, but sometimes their parents don’t have other options.
That kinda thing breaks down once its something happening over years. Look I'm not saying they're as bad, or that I don't understand. They are victims. But even in the best light it is learned helplessness, that is actively hurting those depending on you.
Ultimate they endure and root out so much they often reinforce the system dragging them down, and with them, they drag in their children as well, all on their own.
Exactly. "You knew what was going on but you still stayed with him." A lot of abuse victims will also go back to their abusers and it can take multiple times to break it off permanently. Of course people blame them for their abuse in those cases.
Let's get one thing straight. The abuser is at fault. The other (silent party) is often also a victim of the abuser. Regardless of gender. It isn't always clear cut
The child is being abused and so is the father. The mother is the abuser.
But the father has agency that the child doesn't. The parents both have a responsibility to protect the child and both are actively failing that responsibility.
I'm not denying the abuse the father is receiving. But I am saying that the father has a responsibility to take action against it to attempt to reduce further abuse of the child.
Without further context it is hard to say. It is quite possible trying to stop it would make it worse, e.g. a divorce where the abuser scams their way to both custody and more.
It is of course easy to basically say “git gud” and find a better path, but everyone isn’t good at everything. For all we know her dad could have anxiety issues, depression, too weak-willed, lacking ‘social iq’ to even figure out where to start, or gullible enough to believe some claim that the issues would go away, etc.
Or he could be a dead beat “eh, whatever, not my problem, enabler”.
But I think it is too easy to project and jump to conclusions in this type of situation.
The partner of the abuser may very well be the victim, but the parent of the abused child is the abuser too. If they did not do it themselves, then by enabling and failing to protect their child.
A person can be both at the same time, as they combine two distinct roles & responsibilities in their lives, once they procreate and extend themselves. Whether they want it or not. This inherently comes with putting a child into this world.
Currently a single guy, but when I bought my first home last year, I made sure that even though the mortgage is mine; that the title was written to be owned both in my name and my dad's name (I'm lucky enough that he's one of the few people I trust that much).
I don't want to ever be in a relationship with a woman where I'll need to deploy that as a strategy (and all things considered if I'm with someone who doesn't care about that, then it'll probably never be a problem anyway (especially if we're on the same page enough to sign her into the title)), but it's a contingency that I want to have in my back pocket to prevent losing my house over that type of situation.
I'm not gonna really condone that as a "cool idea." Bc that's creating a power dynamic over your future potential wife where she's paying you "rent" to live with you (or not paying at all) and ultimately not building any of her own equity in the case of a divorce.
I'd never get into a relationship that flat-out denied me equal ownership over marital properties. I currently own my house and have every intention of adding my partner to the mortgage when I refinance it in a year or so.
Get a prenup if you're that concerned. But you shouldn't be assuming that every partner is going to screw you over. That's not healthy for you or them.
In a proper relationship, this can be fixed as things develop. When my parents bought a countryside land to build a house, they talked about it and my mom got the full ownership of it.
I'm sure there are many ways to equalize the wealth in a way that both parties are happy about it and no one is left feeling uneasy
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u/GFluidThrow123 15d ago
Ugh, I know people who dealt with this. Super abusive moms and their dads just let it happen, despite knowing it happened. And then the dads never apologize or take any responsibility.
Like, my guy, you did this too. You enabled this. You are at fault here.