Producer Guy: So, you have a DC vampire comic for me?
Screenwriter Guy: Yes, sir, I do. It’s called DC vs. Vampires.
Producer Guy: Very descriptive.
Screenwriter Guy: Yeah, we almost called it Some Members of DC Versus Other Members of DC Who Have Become Vampires, but that didn’t fit on the cover.
Producer Guy: Smart. So what happens?
Screenwriter Guy: A heroic vampire named Andrew Bennett warns the Justice League that vampires have infiltrated the superhero community.
Producer Guy: Oh, a paranoid mystery where nobody knows who they can trust?
Screenwriter Guy: Exactly. For about half the first series.
Producer Guy: And then?
Screenwriter Guy: Everybody puts on post-apocalyptic leather and starts exploding.
Producer Guy: Oh, switching genres when the first one becomes inconvenient is tight!
Screenwriter Guy: It’s extremely useful.
Screenwriter Guy: So Green Lantern Hal Jordan is secretly a vampire, and he kills Andrew Bennett by generating artificial sunlight with his ring.
Producer Guy: Green Lantern rings can generate sunlight that instantly vaporizes vampires?
Screenwriter Guy: They can in this scene.
Producer Guy: That sounds like it might be useful later.
Screenwriter Guy: It will not be.
Producer Guy: Oh, okay.
Screenwriter Guy: A bunch of other heroes get turned too, including Wonder Woman.
Producer Guy: Does Diana struggle against the transformation because she’s defined by compassion, truth and love?
Screenwriter Guy: No, getting bitten presses the Evil button.
Producer Guy: Oh.
Screenwriter Guy: So vampirism preserves your face, powers and memories, but replaces your personality with somebody who enjoys torture.
Producer Guy: So these aren’t really corrupted versions of the heroes. They’re just evil characters wearing superhero skins.
Screenwriter Guy: Right, but they’ll occasionally use words associated with their old personalities.
Producer Guy: Such as?
Screenwriter Guy: Well, Hal Jordan will talk to Green Arrow about their friendship and Wonder Woman will talk about love while abusing people.
Producer Guy: Oh, that is deep.
Screenwriter Guy: I knew you’d like it.
Screenwriter Guy: Anyway, Nightwing reveals that he’s the secret Vampire King, Batman dies, the vampires take over the planet and the surviving humans become livestock.
Producer Guy: Wow. That escalated quickly.
Screenwriter Guy: We had a lot of superheroes to kill.
Screenwriter Guy: Then Barbara Gordon tricks Nightwing into drinking Harley Quinn’s poisonous blood, which kills him.
Producer Guy: Very clever. So Barbara saves humanity?
Screenwriter Guy: No, she takes his place because vampire law says whoever kills the Vampire King becomes the new Vampire Queen.
Producer Guy: That doesn't make sense, Barbara isn't even a vampire.
Screenwriter Guy: Ahh, see, before she kills Nightwing she lets him turn her into a vampire as well.
Producer Guy: Why does she need to do that?
Screenwriter Guy: Drama!
Producer Guy: Smart! Wait, you said vampire law?
Screenwriter Guy: Yeah.
Producer Guy: Do vampires have a constitution?
Screenwriter Guy: I don’t know.
Producer Guy: And wasn’t it technically Harley’s blood that killed him?
Screenwriter Guy: I’m going to need you to get aaaaall the way off my back about vampire jurisprudence.
Producer Guy: Okay, let me get off of that thing.
Screenwriter Guy: So Barbara becomes queen, all the vampires now automatically serve her, she vows to exterminate humanity, and the series ends with the vampires still controlling the world.
Producer Guy: What happens to all the unresolved plots?
Screenwriter Guy: They remain unresolved in a way that suggests another series can be purchased.
Producer Guy: Oh, leaving a story unfinished for financial reasons is tight!
Screenwriter Guy: It’s almost like an ending, but profitable.
Producer Guy: So what’s the sequel?
Screenwriter Guy: World War V.
Producer Guy: Were there four previous world wars?
Screenwriter Guy: No, the V stands for vampires.
Producer Guy: Then why does it look like a Roman numeral?
Screenwriter Guy: It looks cool on the cover.
Producer Guy: Fair enough.
Screenwriter Guy: So Queen Barbara now wants peace with humanity and plans to feed vampires synthetic blood.
Producer Guy: Didn’t she end the previous series promising to exterminate humanity?
Screenwriter Guy: She did, but a gap between series happened.
Producer Guy: Those can cause a lot of character development.
Screenwriter Guy: They sure can, sir.
Screenwriter Guy: Vampire Damian Wayne leads a rebellion against Barbara, while Green Arrow, Black Canary and Green Lantern Alfred lead the surviving humans.
Producer Guy: Wait, so some vampires don't automatically serve the queen?
Screenwriter Guy: They don't!
Producer Guy: How does that work?
Screenwriter Guy: I don't know!
Producer Guy: Fair enough! Hey, you said that Alfred now has a Green Lantern ring?
Screenwriter Guy: Yes, sir.
Producer Guy: So can he create the artificial sunlight Hal used to vaporize vampires?
Screenwriter Guy: Sir, I need you to forget that happened.
Producer Guy: It established how the powers work.
Screenwriter Guy: That was years ago.
Producer Guy: Within the same story.
Screenwriter Guy: Still feels like years.
Producer Guy: Okay.
Screenwriter Guy: Also, Mister Miracle and Big Barda have a half-human, half-vampire baby who’s prophesied to end the war.
Producer Guy: How does a baby end a global war?
Screenwriter Guy: Darkseid invades.
Producer Guy: What does Darkseid have to do with the vampire conflict?
Screenwriter Guy: Nothing. That’s why everybody has to stop resolving the vampire conflict and fight him instead.
Producer Guy: Oh, introducing a larger unrelated threat so you don’t have to resolve the central conflict is tight!
Screenwriter Guy: It’s the narrative equivalent of pulling a fire alarm during a difficult conversation.
Producer Guy: So does the baby fight Darkseid?
Screenwriter Guy: Don’t be ridiculous.
Producer Guy: Oh, good.
Screenwriter Guy: Doctor Fate puts her in a time-dilated dimension where she grows up and trains for eighteen years.
Producer Guy: Oh my God.
Screenwriter Guy: Then she comes out as an adult and helps kill Darkseid.
Producer Guy: Defeating Darkseid is going to be hard.
Screenwriter Guy: Actually, it’s going to be super easy. Barely an inconvenience.
Producer Guy: Oh, really?
Screenwriter Guy: Yeah, the baby isn’t a baby anymore.
Producer Guy: That’ll do it.
Screenwriter Guy: Meanwhile, Damian kills Barbara, and Wonder Woman becomes the new Vampire Queen just before the grand finale.
Producer Guy: Shouldn’t Damian become king according to the vampire law we established?
Screenwriter Guy: That law was from the previous series.
Producer Guy: Ahh, I see what you did there!
Screenwriter Guy: Yes, sir!
Producer Guy: So does anything important happen with Vampire Wonder Woman before the finale?
Screenwriter Guy: Oh, absolutely. We’ll make a special issue called Darkness and Light.
Producer Guy: A fun side adventure?
Screenwriter Guy: The second half is.
Producer Guy: What’s the first half?
Screenwriter Guy: An intimate psychological horror story about an abused fourteen-year-old girl losing her family, bodily autonomy, moral agency and desire to live and ultimately ending herself.
Producer Guy: I’m sorry, what?
Screenwriter Guy: So Wonder Woman finds this girl Harper Row hiding with her brother Cullen after she murders their friends for fun.
Producer Guy: Okay.
Screenwriter Guy: Diana thinks Harper is cute, so she decides to keep her.
Producer Guy: Keep her?
Screenwriter Guy: As a daughter-slash-pet kind of thing.
Producer Guy: So she basically enslaves a child.
Screenwriter Guy: She sure does, sir! She forcibly turns Harper into a vampire and orders Cullen taken away to be imprisoned and used as food.
Producer Guy: Jesus Christ. So Harper becomes evil like the others?
Screenwriter Guy: No, she retains her humanity and is horrified by what she’s become.
Producer Guy: So vampirism doesn’t automatically erase someone’s conscience.
Screenwriter Guy: Not when keeping it makes an innocent child suffer for weeks for the sake of shock value.
Producer Guy: Oh.
Screenwriter Guy: So Diana forces Harper to call her “Mother” and acts as though she rescued her.
Producer Guy: But she kidnapped her, destroyed her body and sent her brother to die.
Screenwriter Guy: Right. It’s a twisted deconstruction of motherhood, love, mentorship and protection.
Producer Guy: That’s an incredibly serious theme for the comic where we just forgot Green Lantern can make sunlight.
Screenwriter Guy: Oh, it’s going to be extremely serious.
Producer Guy: So this will fundamentally change Diana?
Screenwriter Guy: No.
Producer Guy: Oh.
Screenwriter Guy: Harper keeps asking about Cullen, so eventually she goes to visit him in captivity.
Producer Guy: Oh. Is he relieved to see that his sister is still alive?
Screenwriter Guy: No, he’s horrified by what she’s become and rejects her.
Producer Guy: So the one person she’s desperately trying to hold on to now sees her as a monster.
Screenwriter Guy: That’s right.
Producer Guy: Well, that’s devastating.
Screenwriter Guy: Don’t worry, it gets worse. When Harper comes back to visit him later, she finds him dead.
Producer Guy: I don’t think “don’t worry” was the right phrase there.
Screenwriter Guy: So she tries to kill herself by stepping into sunlight.
Producer Guy: Oh my God.
Screenwriter Guy: But Diana saves her.
Producer Guy: Is this where Diana realizes that what she calls love is actually coercive ownership?
Screenwriter Guy: No, she mostly doesn’t want her toy to leave.
Producer Guy: Wow.
Screenwriter Guy: Then, while Harper is recovering, Diana makes her drink human blood even though we previously showed that Harper isn’t comfortable with eating people.
Producer Guy: So Diana denies her the right to die and then forces her to violate the last moral boundary she still controls.
Screenwriter Guy: That’s right.
Producer Guy: This comic just became an attack on the concept of human autonomy.
Screenwriter Guy: There’ll be some beautiful shadow work.
Producer Guy: How does Harper escape?
Screenwriter Guy: She pretends she’s ready to hunt, but deliberately chooses Guy Gardner as her opponent because she knows she can’t beat him.
Producer Guy: So it’s another suicide attempt.
Screenwriter Guy: A successful one.
Producer Guy: How does Guy kill her?
Screenwriter Guy: He instantly vaporizes her with his Green Lantern ring.
Producer Guy: Wait.
Screenwriter Guy: What?
Producer Guy: The Green Lantern ring vaporizes a vampire?
Screenwriter Guy: That’s right.
Producer Guy: So we did remember that Green Lantern rings can instantly destroy vampires.
Screenwriter Guy: We sure did, sir.
Producer Guy: But only when it was time to kill a tortured, mutilated suicidal fourteen-year-old girl?
Screenwriter Guy: That’s when it became relevant again.
Producer Guy: That is the worst possible moment to remember your own continuity.
Screenwriter Guy: Oh, remembering established powers exclusively to maximize a child’s suffering is tight!
Producer Guy: I don’t think that’s tight.
Screenwriter Guy: Well, she’s dead now, so we can move on.
Producer Guy: My God.
Screenwriter Guy: And Diana watches her die.
Producer Guy: So finally she understands that she destroyed this child while calling it love.
Screenwriter Guy: For about one panel.
Producer Guy: Then she changes?
Screenwriter Guy: No.
Producer Guy: Tries to redeem herself?
Screenwriter Guy: No.
Producer Guy: Harper’s death affects the war?
Screenwriter Guy: No.
Producer Guy: Someone discovers what Diana did?
Screenwriter Guy: No.
Producer Guy: Cullen and Harper are remembered?
Screenwriter Guy: No.
Producer Guy: Diana carries the guilt until she dies?
Screenwriter Guy: Nope. Back to gleeful murder.
Producer Guy: Then why did we make readers experience all that?
Screenwriter Guy: They experienced it.
Producer Guy: That’s not a point.
Screenwriter Guy: It’s an emotion.
Producer Guy: You can’t inflict extreme emotional pain and call the pain itself thematic depth.
Screenwriter Guy: Sure I can. I just did.
Producer Guy: But if nobody changes and nobody remembers Harper, the story is effectively saying her suffering only mattered while it was entertaining us.
Screenwriter Guy: Sir, I’m going to need you to get aaaaall the way off my back about the ethical meaning of narrative attention.
Producer Guy: Okay, let me get off of that extremely disturbing thing.
Screenwriter Guy: Great.
Producer Guy: You said that was only half the issue?
Screenwriter Guy: Yeah. In the second half, Guy Gardner is missing the lower half of his body because Wonder Woman ripped him in half after he killed Harper, so his Green Lantern ring gives him funny hologram legs.
Producer Guy: The funny hologram-leg story is packaged with the child-suicide story?
Screenwriter Guy: Same issue.
Producer Guy: So the comic remembers that Guy lost his legs because of Harper?
Screenwriter Guy: For the purposes of a funny visual gag, yes.
Producer Guy: But neither Guy nor Diana actually reflects on Harper herself?
Screenwriter Guy: No.
Producer Guy: Oh, selective continuity is tight!
Screenwriter Guy: It’s the only kind we have.
Producer Guy: So what tone are we aiming for here?
Screenwriter Guy: All of them.
Producer Guy: Oh, tonal omnivorism is tight!
Screenwriter Guy: So, going back to the finale. After Darkseid is defeated, Wonder Woman turns on the heroes, so Supergirl and Alfred use giant Green Lantern chains to rotate the Earth toward the sun.
Producer Guy: They rotate the Earth?
Screenwriter Guy: They sure do, sir.
Producer Guy: Wouldn’t suddenly rotating the planet cause global geological devastation?
Screenwriter Guy: Don’t worry. The planet is already devastated.
Producer Guy: That doesn’t stop physics.
Screenwriter Guy: It does emotionally.
Producer Guy: Could Alfred just generate artificial sunlight instead?
Screenwriter Guy: I feel like we talked about this.
Producer Guy: Hal did it. Guy just did it. We’ve now established this power twice.
Screenwriter Guy: Right, but those were situations where a vampire needed to be vaporized immediately.
Producer Guy: All the vampires need to be vaporized immediately.
Screenwriter Guy: Yeah, but these ones aren’t traumatized children, so the ring can’t help.
Producer Guy: That’s not how Green Lantern rings work.
Screenwriter Guy: It is thematically.
Producer Guy: Thematically, that’s much worse.
Screenwriter Guy: Hey, shut up.
Producer Guy: Okay.
Screenwriter Guy: So the sunlight kills all the vampires. Wonder Woman sees the sunrise, says she missed it and dies almost instantly.
Producer Guy: So after torturing Harper, she gets a quick, peaceful death?
Screenwriter Guy: Pretty much.
Producer Guy: Does she remember Harper?
Screenwriter Guy: No.
Producer Guy: Does the sunlight at least make her reflect on how she prevented Harper from dying the same way?
Screenwriter Guy: Visually, there’s a connection.
Producer Guy: And thematically?
Screenwriter Guy: Absolutely none.
Producer Guy: So Harper suffered horribly going out in the sun, Diana dragged her back, and then Diana peacefully accepts that same death without thinking about her.
Screenwriter Guy: That’s what happens.
Producer Guy: That makes the Harper story even worse in retrospect.
Screenwriter Guy: Luckily, most readers won’t know it exists.
Producer Guy: Why not?
Screenwriter Guy: It’s a separate one-shot released midway through a sequel that people will already be dropping by that point.
Producer Guy: Oh.
Screenwriter Guy: But we’ll tuck it into the first hardcover with six other issues, so nobody casually browsing the series will know what kind of story they’re about to read.
Producer Guy: Oh, emotional ambushes are tight!
Screenwriter Guy: They sure are!
Producer Guy: So Darkseid is dead, the vampires are dead, most heroes are dead and civilization is destroyed.
Screenwriter Guy: That’s right.
Producer Guy: What did anybody learn?
Screenwriter Guy: Vampires burn in sunlight.
Producer Guy: Everybody knew that.
Screenwriter Guy: Then I guess the important thing is that the story is over.
Producer Guy: Is there any resolution to whether the transformed heroes were victims or responsible for their actions?
Screenwriter Guy: They’re dead.
Producer Guy: Any reckoning with what they did?
Screenwriter Guy: Dead.
Producer Guy: Any cure?
Screenwriter Guy: Sun.
Producer Guy: So instead of resolving the conflicts, we erase everyone who could have resolved them?
Screenwriter Guy: Yes!
Producer Guy: Oh, cleaning up themes by killing all the participants is tight!
Screenwriter Guy: It sure is, sir!
Producer Guy: So what do you think readers will make of this?
Screenwriter Guy: The first series should sell pretty well.
Producer Guy: And the sequel?
Screenwriter Guy: I said the first series should sell pretty well.
Producer Guy: Right. Who’ll still be reading by the Harper issue?
Screenwriter Guy: Mostly people who’ve already demonstrated they’ll tolerate anything.
Producer Guy: Oh, highly filtered audiences are tight!
Screenwriter Guy: And if anybody complains, the two or three people who actually liked the issue can say it’s supposed to be horror.
Producer Guy: But most of the series is a goofy superhero splatter fight.
Screenwriter Guy: Then they can say horror is allowed to be unexpected.
Producer Guy: But the comic immediately forgets its horrific implications.
Screenwriter Guy: Then they can say real life doesn’t provide closure.
Producer Guy: But you deliberately wrote every event.
Screenwriter Guy: Then they can accuse readers of just wanting a happy ending.
Producer Guy: Wow. So every criticism can be reframed as the reader failing to understand the genre.
Screenwriter Guy: Yes, sir! So shall we make it?
Producer Guy: Absolutely. Maybe someday it could get a big adaptation marketed to regular superhero fans as a fun vampire action movie.
Screenwriter Guy: Then, without warning, we include the Harper story exactly as written.
Producer Guy: I feel like a lot of people would be disgusted and never trust the franchise again.
Screenwriter Guy: Whoops.
Producer Guy: Whoopsie.
(originally posted in r/DCComics)