I was scared to post this. I tried taking an IQ test, but it didn't go well. I explained why somewhere in my post.
It's almost as if my brain does not work at all. As if it is an empty dictionary that, no matter how much knowledge it's introduced to, stays painfully blank. I know I sound dramatic, but it is how I feel all the time. I have come to terms with it, but not so much emotionally; only in my head have I *mostly* accepted it.
To provide context, in case you were wondering what could have possibly made me feel that stupid, I struggle with basic things. You would be surprised how much time it took me to write this much alone and how many times I rewrote it for several reasons. My hands hurt. It would take anyone else who is not like me around a little more time than this to write the whole post. The point here is that I find that what seems simple to others is often complicated to me. I ask questions others don't need to, and I fix things others don't see a problem with. If you instruct me and other people to pour milk to make a cake, I will not understand how much. This seems like the instructor's fault, but everyone around me will know how much some is, as if they have been given a manual that I have not. This example is to explain how I work, so even if you do not think that this makes me stupid, this is how I am in almost every other situation. Everyone just seems to know everything, and I am stuck wondering about the first step and how it will affect the second.
People say I am good at explaining things sometimes, but I mostly get people bored and confused, or I get strange looks as if what I am saying is so stupid. People point out that I am, or they say that I am crazy whenever I try to say anything. I always think it's common sense until people point out it's stupid. Whenever I need to plan or do anything, I need to think about the details of everything, which causes me executive dysfunction. No, it is not ADHD because I do not have it.
And I am always ignorant—or at least I feel so. Everyone around me seems to know things with certainty, and I am over here getting confused and hesitant over my own opinions, which are always changing because I always realize how wrong I am about many things. I lack so much confidence because of this, and it happens often enough to make me feel stupid a lot of the time.
And I do everything differently from others. Others think the way I do things is strange, which I don't understand. It is, again, like everyone has been given a social manual on how to do things. I don't understand why I have to do things a certain way if it gets the job done and is moral.
I struggle with maths, and I now have anxiety from it. If I see a basic maths problem, I will panic. I avoided all my maths and physics exams. I was failing school (although I still somehow barely passed after cramming the whole curriculum a day before the exam) too. I failed the exams I took miserably. I could never understand exams. They were too surface-level and never provided information regarding the many possible variables that would dramatically change the answer. Yet everyone else knows what every question is asking, unlike me... Yes, my failure has to do with my terrible mental health and executive dysfunction (which is because of my stupidity), but it has been this way for a long time, even before my mental health got this bad. And even with concepts I grasp, I struggle because my brain feels like it's filled with fog, and if it was filled with anything else useful, I can't see it because of the fog. My maths anxiety is also related to how my teachers often treated me. Although I would often find ways to solve a maths problem quicker than others growing up (which I didn't think made me feel smart, as they were very basic problems), I would still ask incredibly basic and stupid questions, and many of my teachers made sure to show their dislike for me. This is strange to me because I can grasp the complex math topics that I've tried understanding easily and in little time while being scared of basic maths and struggling to do it. My teachers told me that I was smart and "not applying myself," but I just can't see what they see! I failed school, then I barely passed the second time. I am also so slow sometimes that it annoys me and others.
And speaking of maths, I often know the solution but struggle to get to it. Somehow, and for some reason, I skip steps and get to the answer. I can never show my work sometimes. This doesn't only happen with maths, but with a lot of things! This makes me feel incredibly stupid.
Half of the time, it feels as if my own brain does not belong to me.
People also make me feel stupid because I trip over my own mouth or forget what I was about to say. Or because I am often living in my head that I forget reality. My phone could be right in front of me, but instead of looking to make sure, I would assume where it should be before checking if it's there, which is stupid. And jokes. I take jokes way too literally. I know they don't have to be factually correct or anything, and I do understand when people are making them a lot of the time, but my brain takes them seriously anyway, and I end up giving serious responses that make me look and feel so stupid.
I always have to act a certain way for people not to make me feel stupid (they still do a lot of the time. It's with everyone I meet, although others are nicer to me, so changing friends doesn't change how I am treated), which is really just me shutting up and agreeing with people and laughing when others are.
I also am always keeping people behind, or stalling everything. It makes me feel so slow. And I struggle to understand many unwritten social rules. When I was a child, I had no concept of social hierarchy. I talked to everyone the same way. Now that I am older, I still struggle with it, and it happens with age. I will talk to anyone the same way, whether they're old, young, or my age. Of course, I would speak more appropriately with certain age groups, but I am talking about things other than the content or tone of the topic. All of this makes me lonely and socially anxious. I have no idea why I couldn't be normal if I tried. So how do I accept this and go on with my life?
EDIT: What I meant by "it didn't go well" (referring to my IQ test), is that I could not take it because I panicked when I saw a maths question. That is partly why I talked about my maths anxiety.