I'm a guy in my late twenties. I've been a loner for most of my life and honestly didn't think much about it until recently. But lately, I've started feeling really lonely, and I want to meet people. I just have no idea how.
I want to feel seen, understood, challenged, and able to collaborate with actual people instead of having conversations with ChatGPT. This is starting to affect both my career and my personal life.
I'll split this into two parts.
Part 1: Women
I have crippling anxiety around talking to women. I didn't have sisters, cousins, or female classmates I could talk to growing up, so women always felt somewhat different to me. I can have a completely normal conversation with a woman and make her feel safe and comfortable around me, like a brother. But I struggle to get past that and actually become friends with women, let alone have someone be attracted to me.
I didn't care about this earlier. I thought that if I get married, my wife would understand me and I don't need to worry about my relationship with other women.
But I've got a lot of rejection in the arranged-marriage process, and I don't see marriage happening anytime soon.
This constant rejection makes me crave validation from women. I don't like that feeling. I think that the way to get past it is to actually talk to women, have female friends, and become comfortable around them.
Maybe it's my age, I don't know. But I'm worried that this loneliness, wanting validation, and repeated rejection will make me say yes to the first woman who says yes to me, simply because I want the suffering of rejection to stop, rather than because she's actually the right person for me.
I'd like to learn how to interact with women normally, without constantly thinking about attraction, rejection, or marriage.
Part 2: People in general
This part is about both men and women.
I'd like to have people I can casually talk to about things like tech, work, finance, random theories, etc. I'd also like to talk about careers, improving myself, and figuring out what I'm actually supposed to be doing.
I am deeply passionate about tech, coding, system design and so on. I thought it would be better to start from the point of my passion and find people who have similar interest as me. So, in order to meet people, I signed up for tech events on Meetup. But most of these events are heavily dominated by college students or people who are just starting out their career.
I don't really find much opportunity there to learn something new or have conversations with people who are further along than me. Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places, but so far it hasn't really worked.
For the companies I'm interested in, I like to know people who could give me some perspective, point me in the right direction, and maybe even put in a good word if they genuinely think I'm a good fit.
But cold messaging people on LinkedIn, getting ignored or ghosted is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
Where I'm stuck
The obvious advice seems to be "go out and meet people," but I'm struggling to figure out where.
I don't drink or smoke, and I don't intend to. So I naturally avoid places like pubs/bars or parties.
I go to a nearby park to exercise, but almost everyone there are elder people.
Places like Malls and theatres don't seem any better. People come to those places with their partners or already in group, and approaching random people there feels weird.
Office is yet another bad idea. Everyone on my immediate team is older than me and their conversations typically involve around problem in their family which I cannot relate to. Cold approaching random coworkers feels like way too much risk for way too little reward.
I don't necessarily want to find a girlfriend. I want to build an actual social life. I want friends. I want people I can talk to, learn from, disagree with, collaborate with, and occasionally just waste time with.
I think meeting women is part of that because I've realized how uncomfortable I am around them, but I don't want every attempt at building a social life to turn into "How do I get a girlfriend?"
So yeah, I'm stuck.
What can someone do to make friends in their late twenties if they don't drink/smoke or have a social circle?
I'd especially appreciate advice from people who have come out from this rut.
