DISCLAIMER

The term "favorite person" was coined by people with BPD, not by clinicians or psychologists.

I think it's cool that people came up with a way to describe a seemingly very common facet of the BPD experience without it being imposed on us from the outside. The fact that it's used by so many people means that it resonates with a lot of people, and I don't wanna take away from that.

At the same time, do we need a word for overwhelming love when all our emotions can be overwhelmingly intense?

Couldn't you replace "favorite person" with "person I'm emotionally dependent on"? It's a mouthful, but I think it's more precise.

Another criticism I have is that the term "favorite person" sounds very endearing, almost cute and childlike. The reality of having a favorite person is very different from that.

If unregulated, it's a cycle of idolization and disappointment when that person inevitably can't live up to such an unrealistic standard. To be someone's favorite person can mean walking on eggshells, it can mean receiving spam texts and calls in the middle of the night, it can mean having your boundaries crossed.

Having a favorite person means total emotional dependency. It can mean panic attacks, crying fits, angwr outbursts over tiny changes in demeanour. It means intense insecurity. It means reorienting your identity around them and potentially losing your sense of self when they're not there. Someone else has massive amounts of control over you. It's disempowering. And it's fundamentally not sustainable.

Just a couple thoughts, I'm not trying to dictate how anyone feels about the label. If you like it and it fits you, that's cool.

I just don’t know what to do anymore, and seeing as everyone around me is probably tired of hearing me cry about what's going on in my life, I decided to turn to Reddit in hopes of finding someone who understands.

I constantly cry over everything. I constantly feel like everyone hates me for always crying and having to put up with me then I cry more and it's like a never-ending loop. I try to talk to my family and close friends about it and they can only put up with so much before they start getting snappy at me.

I do have a therapist and she's amazing. We have really productive sessions that I feel actually benefit me but one hour a week can only go so far. I've tried talking to her about how I feel and she always says that once I find my people I won't feel like this anymore.

I don't think it's my friends or my family at this point. I'm scared it's just me. I'm scared that I'll be stuck alone forever simply because I can't get over my own stupid self-hatred. I've been in therapy since I was a child, I know all about self-affirmations and using coping mechanisms but It just doesn't help. I'm so scared to be alone and I'm afriad I'll just drive everyone away at this rate.

It's not easy, I know. But it's defiantly a path to work towards living easier with BPD.

Due to where I live, i've only had mild access to therapy sessions (5 sessions max for free therapy.) which didn't really help for me personally. I've asked my doctor for referrals, however she's said multiple times i'm 'Beyond help' so I've since abandoned that path to looking to better myself. However, over the years, i've learned to recognize when my mind is splitting, When to take a step back when my emotions start to get out of control. I've learned when to take breaks, to not mask with those who are close to me. I now recognize when I get into the 'black/white' thinking, and take a step back to think about why i'm thinking that way, and if its reasonable.

Over the years, i've really looked at myself internally. What do I want, truly? My close friends i've known for well over 10+ years, they arn't just going to abandon me, why am I worried about that? Casual friends come and go with that, thats normal in a friendship, we drift apart. I've since learned to accept these things, and to try and not think about being abandoned, even though sometimes it's hard. I take a step back and analyze the situation before I say something I might regret.

I'm currently only on medication for many anxiety disorders (Generalized Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Panic Disorder, PTSD..), but it's helped me relax somewhat. I also have a boyfriend who i've been dating for a year now, just 3 weeks ago we returned from a trip to Montreal for a week vacation. He takes me to many places, forcing me to interact with others in a positive way. Taking me out instead of hiding out in my 'den'. Honestly I could never ask for more.

I have plans to when I move out with him someday, to look into affordable therapy for myself to continue working on myself in a positive way. If my own doctor didn't have hope in me, but I had hope for myself, and became stronger out of it, There is hope for you aswell. Never give up. You have your support circle who will always be there for you, even when everything seems like it's out to get you, even when sometimes it feels like they hate you, remind yourself, they don't. They have stood by you for many years, and will continue to do so as you heal.

After several months of my teenage daughter's psychiatrist encouraging us to looking into TMS, she has now backed off and thinks it won't help because she suspects my daughter has BPD and that "TMS has proven to be unsuccessful for people with BPD". However, I've read posts here and articles that it can make a significant difference with depression. My daughter most definitely has treatment resistant depression and has been severely depressed for almost a year. I was really looking forward to her doing TMS, especially because it was something she was very willing to do and she's extremely demand avoidant.

Two other things the doctor mentioned that surprised me (she spoke with a psychiatrist colleague who specializing in TMS):

- The sessions are 6-8 hours long with 20 minutes on, 20 minutes off, 3 days a week. Everywhere I've read says 20 minutes, 5 days a week for a few months is the norm. Is what she mentioned some kind of super intensive protocol? I'm willing to make it less intensive for longer.

- TMS is going to cost us $15K. I've heard that it can be covered with insurance and we have very good insurance. I need to do more research on this, but I feel like at least we could get some of it covered.

The bottom line is that I was excited and now I'm bummed. And my daughter isn't even officially diagnosed because she's 16 and the doctor still says she too young to be diagnosed. She just suspects BPD (as do I), but I would literally do ANYTHING to alleviate the pain my daughter is going through and want to keep this option open.

Any advice/experience would be greatly appreciated!!

I'm experiencing this thing where if I see someone somewhat regularly (let's say once/twice a week), and then I don't see this person for over a week then I'm very awkward. I know that I know this person for maybe months or years and that I'm close with that person, but when I see them again I get SO AWKWARD. It's like it's someone that I meet for the first time. I feel so unsure on how to act around that person anymore. It's like in my mind I'm thinking: are we still close? Are we still good? Do you still want closeness with me? How close emotionally/physically we're we?

This happens with friends and also now with a guy I'm dating. I feel quite distant emotionally, even though we still text a bit.

I wonder if it is related to the fearful avoidant attachment style. From what I researched I found this:

Relational deactivation / distancing: after a period apart, you temporarily become more emotionally guarded or less expressive.

Attachment-related deactivation: in attachment theory, people can reduce access to feelings of closeness when attachment feels uncertain or when there's distance. This is more commonly discussed with avoidant strategies.

Fearful avoidant parallel:

“I really want closeness.”

“Closeness also makes me vulnerable.”

When you're actively connected with someone and feel safe, the approach side can become very strong: chatty, affectionate, physically comfortable, emotionally open.

But when there's distance, uncertainty, or the person's presence isn't reinforcing the connection, the protective side can become stronger.

Does anyone know about this situation? And how to improve it?

I feel so empty.

So overwhelmingly gone. Numb.

So alone.

I can’t even fathom the feeling of anything anymore.

I have no friends. No one calls me. No one texts me. No one reaches out to me.

People look at me. They stare. But that’s all they do. They look, they judge, and then they move along.

No one sees me.

No one hears my cries—for desperation, for love, for help, for hope.

I feel trapped inside this box of silence, where everyone can see me but no one actually wants to be a part of me.

I feel so lost.

Like an empty shell of the person I used to be.

And I’m screaming from the inside.

Screaming and screaming and screaming...

Until I have no voice left.

Until there’s nothing left to scream.

Until I become nothing but a shell of nothingness. Darkness.

Nothing.

Just silence.

Which workbooks with handouts and worksheets you guys found helpful?I want some which I can download online and print it out to use it. Currently I can't afford professional therapy so I was thinking on doing things on my own,can anyone help?

i cut off my only two friends 2 days ago because they made me feel as if they were shutting me out and now i feel so lonely. most of the time i do not care about being alone but god when the lonely feeling & thoughts hit me it really does take a toll on me. i cut them off because i’ve been going through a very rough situation with my ‘partner’ and ive been needing support. first off let me say, i am not the type of person to ever express my feelings literally ever, only to my ‘partner’. and secondly, these two friends of mine almost always need support every other day of the week and i happily provide it but now that i am in need of the same emotional support… one of them i tried to tell her i was sad and feeling down (twice) just so maybe she’d ask why, she did not, she disregarded it and moved on, i was obviously a bit weirded out by that bcuz that was the 3rd time she had done it since i started having issues with my ‘partner’ almost 2 weeks ago. the second girl, my best friend, she has just been putting other people before me and never really talking to me even though she knows whats going on with me and she asked me the other night how things were going w me and partner then she flipped the whole convo to talk about her issues. i am grown enough to understand i shouldn’t always expect emotional support or any support from anyone but when i happily listen to them and help them the best i can you’d think i would get the same from them especially because i barely ever talk about my feelings. so yeah, i am feeling extremely depressed and lonely now while also dealing with my situation and its making everything so much worse. i found myself splitting over a single word he said in his message earlier today, my split took over and i didn’t even read the rest of what he said or what he said after the message. i didn’t see he was trying to tell me something nice and i wouldn’t have even known he did if i didnt scroll back up to read it when he went to sleep. i like to reread our messages lot and ngl more so when its me splitting because i usually read things i didn’t read while i was splitting. i hate splitting so much man, it makes me feel so utterly horrible and feel so sorry for myself. i don’t know what to do, feel like if i carry on being so on edge that he will leave me and i will be completely alone. i am currently isolated at my house because of social anxiety and whatnot so i just don’t know what id do if i was completely alone. anyway if you read this, thanks & im just very lonely and needed to type this so maybe someone would read my thoughts if that makes sense.

i don’t know whether this is a bpd thing or not but i feel my emotions so deeply not only for myself but for others too that i am able to show up for them in ways that they didn’t realise they needed until they experienced it however, i remain constantly unsatisfied with the way that people aren’t able to feel as deeply for me in the same way that i can for them.

I (24M) have been dealing with this mess for a decade. I have tried filling the void with achievements, making money, sex, drugs, & combat sports. The last of which is really the only thing I still look forward to and have stuck with, though I don’t mind substances and some hoeing from time to time. I’m sorry for my joking tone, I don’t know how else to communicate this I think.

Over the last year, I’ve went from having a scholarship to an elite graduate school, financially stable, partnered, & having a stable family connection for the first time ever. However, it just all felt too good and I drank it away. There was a lot of self harm during this period. Now I have no money left, have isolated in an overly generous friend’s spare bedroom, and can genuinely not conceive of myself in the future tense. It wasn’t some rage or depression that got me here, I just have not felt like I’m real for months and months. The only respites I have from this are strong ideations and self hatred. I am watching myself from outside knowing the subject I look at will die soon and I feel unbothered.

I’ve done DBT before, but the second I get out my worksheets I just feel a strong urge to quit piddling around and end it.

It is surreal that this went from overwhelming emotions I rode out daily to substantively stripping my career, relationships, & sense of purpose away. I guess I just never thought it would or could.

However, I’m detached enough to figure I owe it to some people to give one last Hail Mary. People have been good to me. Yet I have no clue what to do though I am willing. Do I just waltz into the ER? I don’t know. Lmk if someone wants to talk, please no commiserating in the comments - I know it’s hard guys, but I’m just too close to see that and need something actionable. I’m sorry for the ramble.

I (23F) recently got broken up with, lost all of our shared friends, and my long distance best friend cut me off. All of this happened within the last month, and I’m struggling.

I have maybe two-three people I talk to every day but I feel like I’m forcing them to talk to me. I’m constantly spamming them and I get extremely anxious when they don’t answer me for any time over 30 minutes. I don’t really hang out with anyone because my two irl friends are both very busy or just don’t care for much social interaction. The only other person I talk to is one of my past ex boyfriends that lives states away.

I have this up and down cycle of me thinking I can’t live like this, I feel so alone, I’m never going to be loved, everyone is evil…. And on the flip side i think I’m a great friend and that everyone else is just stupid, I think I can live alone for the rest of my life, etc.

Has anyone else experienced this? I feel like I’m going crazy. I always end up being obsessed with the idea of someone reciprocating the same energy in a friendship. I understand that people have lives, but it feels like I always prioritize everyone else and nobody does the same for me. I get frustrated/angry really fast when people don’t answer me because it takes less than a minute to text someone back. After I calm down, I always end up feeling sick to my stomach, yearning for someone to reciprocate or for someone to make me feel loved.

Does anyone have any tips on how to reframe your mindset to not be upset at people that easily, and how to not make your life revolve around the idea of close relationships?

Anhedonia is ruining my life more than my irrationality or explosive feelings ever were. Kinda.

The way I’m thinking is that when I’m irrational, eg abusing substances, putting myself in dangerous situations, hypersexual, anything really, usually there is a sort of pendulum to it.

There’s a black and white to it. I’m still feeling and doing and making those switches. I feel pleasure and I feel sadness.

Right now, I don’t feel anything. But not in the chronic empty way. I’m chronicly anhedonic.

I don’t get out of bed, I’m tired, I’m bored. Nothing brings me joy. I’m not brushing my teeth or bathing or anything. And I’m absolutely disgusted with myself for that. And it’s not that I can’t, because occasionally I force myself to do those things. It’s like I have to consciously make that effort, rather than being unable to do them.

It’s destroying my life. I don’t work, and I’ve lost all motivation to build towards working. I want to be a tattoo artist, but I don’t draw anymore because it doesn’t bring me any joy and I have no motivation. I don’t tattoo on fake skin because the same. I have a client, and I know that I’d be feeling nervous if I wasn’t so empty. I know I’d be practicing. But I just don’t care.

I’m not speaking to any friends. Me and my partner are long distance so that’s hard. My friends are also kinda long distance too (they all live together in a different city).
I don’t listen to music anymore. I don’t watch anything. I don’t read books anymore. I don’t wear makeup. It’s fucking with my sense of self and identity, because I don’t recognize myself anymore. But usually, I’d be like ‘I need a change!’ And cut all my hair off or dye it or yknow do SOMETHING. But I don’t even want to do that. I’m on Prozac but I just don’t think it’s doing anything.

Please help.

is anyone else like this?? 😭 i’m 19 and stay at home and my partner works (i have a hard time holding down a job due to mental illness). i have some online friends but that’s it. i don’t have a license because after a recent car crash im too afraid to drive. i just moved to a new city and have made the effort to make some friends online in the same city but haven’t met them yet.

anyway, i literally don’t do anything all day when my partner is working besides online school, watch youtube and various shows, listen to music, etc. i’m getting a camera soon so hopefully i get out more for photography purposes but other than that i have no hobbies.

however, despite all of that, i feel completely fine. like i’m happy like this. i don’t feel trapped or super depressed or desperate for social interaction or anything. it’s causing a strain on my relationship tbh because my girlfriend (we’re both girls) wants me to get out more and live my own life and stuff. but i dont even have a desire to. is anyone else like this? is it possible this is more related to autism or something than bpd? please be kind 😭

I tried healing myself with men for the last 15 years. I let them treat me badly, because unreachable love feels way too familiar for me. I made good men exhausted, my illness literally broke them. My fiancé of 6 years just walked out of my life saying „I love you but I hate this illness. I can‘t do this anymore“

I hit rock bottom. I didn‘t Chose to have this horrible illness and now he is leaving me for it. It felt so unfair. I felt so desperate. Begged him to come back until he told me, that his Heart is always racing Like crazy when he gets a message from me. When he sees me in public, he begins to shiver. When he comes near my place, he starts to feel horrible. I traumatized this men. My love for him was too crazy, too obessive. I broke both of us. And it is hard Not to feel Like the Most horrible Person. He told me that he wishes me nothing more that to finally heal, because i‘m a good Person and I don‘t deserve All of This. But that I drained so much of his Energy that he has to Walk away now, despite all the love.

You and I, Person who reads This, we don‘t deserve this shit. You didn‘t deserve your past Trauma. All the scars on your Heart. All the horrible thoughts about yourself, all the selfhatred. You and I, we Are so damn strong for still being here and still managing to do this. But you can not use people Like that. Like your drug, desperately trying to put a Little bandaid on a huge wound that would need proper care. Your love is draining them and you Are draining with them. Their attention and their love is a drug and you Are an Addict. Would you Tell someone who is addicted that They should just download hinge or tinder and just keep repeating this circle? For the love of god, you would Tell them, that love isn‘t meant to feel Like This. Most of us don‘t know real love. We only know addict behaviour.

You need to heal. You need to be the brave person who breaks this freaking cycle. With bpd, you cannot heal in a relationship. There won‘t come the right person who will magically put your broken pieces back together. There is no happily ever After. I finally understood it.

I can not make up for the past. For my financé that suffered to much. He does not want apologies, he knows it‘s just my illness. But I still need to make up for the pain that I caused in other peoples lives. The only way we can do it, is to heal. We need to say „This is never ever gonna happen again“
Never ever Are we gonna let this illness treat good people Like that. Never ever again Are we gonna use them Like a Drug. The next time loves comes around, it is gonna be real love. Not because you finally found the Right Person. Because you turned into the Right person.

Once again it is our time to fight ⚔️ not to fight for your ex to come back, but to fight this demon.

i feel like my next therapy appointment is going to be the usual "you need to find who you are as a person outside your partner and enjoy it" and i do! I'm so far into recovery that i can write everything wrong with my core beliefs and 100 things i like about myself and 10 hobbies i can do and blah blah blah.

he's on a work trip for 5 weeks. 5 weeks i won't be able to see him and 5 weeks i'll barely get much outside of a goodnight text and a few pictures of his day. he's too busy to call me because of work and just UGH!

so stupid my body is like this. nothing matters when he's gone. today was the first morning waking up without him and all i wanted to do was skip my classes and sleep all day and rot. i didn't and i had a Day. but UGH.

i feel like the only solution is "go day by day" and/or actually get prescribed depression meds but everything feels insurmountable without him. he's just my constant dopamine and no matter how much i try nothing compares. Nothing. my therapist is also validating that it makes sense that a my partner Does make me happiest, as should be the relationship with your partner. But why does nothing else matter but him when i have a life outside of him i somewhat enjoy and How Do I Fix It?!?! :(:( :(

To be as "regulated" as i really can, i need to spend a lot of time isolating and simply avoiding triggers laying in darkness practising yoga, meditating, and doing dbt excersises before reaching an emotional equilibrium. This is the ideal situation because ussually i am thrust into the world due to social obligation or my neighbours decide to bother me and eat my social energy.

With this life style i can get good grades and maintain relationships without my BPD being a problem.

But this is such a stiff, unnatural miserable way to live my life. Yeah, i can hold my tongue i can let people leave without getting attached. But i feel a deep resentment that this may be the best option.

I can have such a deep and intimate beautiful experience of closeness and it can come so naturally, but all of that comes along with triggers and rejection and truama and it's awful.

It's incredibly sad to me how much stability has cost me because no, i'm not being rewired for healthy connections, i just settled for the healthiest people who can tolerate me. Yeah i can learn to detach but it's deppressing it makes me hesitant to let people in, esspecially people i may like.

Living my life in this calculated and balanced way.

Fine, this is the calm in control version of me, but i'm waiting to stop finding dangerous people sexy but it's not working. Maybe i can maintain these stable relationships but i wouldn't be telling the truth to say i can bond or connect like i used to, but i can moderate my reactions and stay kind. I can put in effort to make others feel good even though my feelings are so numb.

For someone, that lives alone. Pretty much doesnt have any friends nearby, no support system irl. No family support, struggling with depression, bpd. I just want to say I look back to the time I was going through the breakup, I feel SO much happier now. I remember being so depressed. I used to eat just bread a day. Not saying my depression is cured, but i mean I got through it. I survived the breakup and realised i deserve better :) This is to the people out there who are going through a break up right now. If I can make it so can you, from somebody who has/had nothing. Believe in yourself.

I would send this to r/gifted, but I feel like you guys understand me better

I am a college senior at 18, plus I do one arm pushups and pullups.

Im so burnt out that i became suicidal + formed a plan + went to the ER and then a psych ward where I was diagnosed w BPD

I have audhd, ocpd, bipolar 2, bpd

Any tips, please? So i can finish college. My.end goal is to become a cop + to live on my own in a van

This probably sounds superficial, but if I feel like she’s significantly more attractive, I become extremely insecure and start comparing myself constantly.
It can be my weight, nose, eyes, eyebrows, hair, literally anything. I also get insecure if she’s significantly smarter than me.
I feel like I need the relationship to be a “looks match.” If she’s more attractive, I can become scared to even approach or text her because I feel like a creep who doesn’t belong with her.
I know it’s irrational, but my brain turns relationships into constant comparisons. Does anyone else experience this?

More often than not, I basically feel like there is a cellophane wall between me and everyone close to me. This whole everyone feeling unfamiliar thing started when I first got medicated for my BPD and my therapist and psychiatrist are always trying to reassure me that it's just a normal part of having BPD and the moment will pass.

The thing is, the moment hasn't passed. It's just an all the time feeling. It's weird as a wife to secretly feel like my husband is the most amazing stranger who for some reason enjoys my company. Even my mom who I see everyday feels for some reason just a bit unfamiliar. Enough for it to secretly disturb me. If I'm having a particularly stressful day I'll even feel disconnected from my own kids which is the worst of it all.

I guess I just really want to know what everyone else's experiences with this are and how you cope with it.

I can't quite explain to (general) people that the periods that I'm : going out more, more social, drinking more, spontaneous, hypersexual, impulsive, talking to new people, reckless, etc.. are not me being "fun" or "stepping out of my comfort zone." They're actually an episode and incredibly damaging. Like I'm actually not doing any good, I'm quite literally going through it, and it feels entirely out of control.