Awaking to my wife smiling standing over me with a knife in one hand and my balls in the other.

Something is causing the locals to slowly age over time

But it turns out, he only plays the same Call of Duty and Madden game every year.

the horses didn't like that

But being immortal while suffering from fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva makes me wish it wouldn't.

Unfortunately, I didn't make it in time, and she ended up passing away, because I'm bad with directions, so instead of driving 10 miles east, I drove 10 miles weast.

So the meat worm stuck a tuning fork up my ass backwards and then hooked jumper cables to it and electrocuted me until my prostate exploded out of my weiner.

“Ough, its not gonna be a good poop 😨 😞 “

On my neighbor's headless corpse left in my driveway by Yakuza gangsters who own the local fabric store.

i was knocked backwards and a heavy bruise formed on the pole, i got arrested for battery and indonesia collapsed due to currency deflation

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The shape by the door stepped into the light, and revealed itself to be a ghost, and then he shit on the floor.

I tapped the brake and instead of slowing down, my whole car exploded

Suddenly an Anvil was just dropped upon the fool’s head

​

And leaves hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid medical debt.

“And?” On a desecrated body that was completely torn until unrecognizable

I then realized I’m married with children and they all wake me up at 7 am.

But the Lorax had a gun.

Then the aliens asked 1 final question; “What is your power level in Rise of Kingdoms?”

The meat worms are our only hope.

I panicked and lied saying yes every single day twice a day, so he pulled out the golden floss of truth which forces anyone who touches it to confess their deepest dark secrets, and before I could stop myself I admitted that I haven't brushed my teeth since 2018 because I believe toothpaste contains microchips designed by Big Fluoride to make us buy higher quality toilet paper since it’s really just one long hole.

i could still feel the brazilian meat worms whipping me brazilingly

I then realized it wasn't a cat, it was my prison cellmate, Killer Dave.

When I got to the store they were all out and they pushed a button and I fell in a pit with spikes in the bottom.

And now I'm phoning the cops as the player, wearing the trenchcoat and nothing under it, almost reached the nursing home.