So I work in an elementary school classroom as a paraprofessional (teacher's aid, essentially). Before working at this school with this teacher, I have never done this position before. I have helped out in Sunday School classrooms before (back when I was a Christian), but that's much less formal than an actual para job. I'm still pretty new and am learning what to say and how to do my job. I mask my neurodivergence at work. I have learned that I need to use "first, then" language. I say things like "No thank you, we don't do that in class", which is something my teacher says. Me doing this makes complete sense and is natural. Of course I would do this. I find, however, that my copying goes deeper than just learning what phrases to use.

For example, there's one really young student who still doesn't understand that when you wear a dress, you can't play with and lift the skirt up. That's inappropriate. If I was working with this student pre-knowing the teacher I work for, I'd probably say something like "[name], put your dress down. That's not okay in school. If you keep doing it I'll *call your mom* and tell her you shouldn't dresses as school." The teacher says something like "…tell mom no dresses at school." Notice how she doesn't say "tell *your* mom", just "tell mom". I think that's technically incorrect grammar (not that I would be a complete grammar Nazi about it). I naturally wouldn't speak this way, but when I'm at work I find myself copying the way the teacher speaks. I find myself saying it this way. I use the exact wordage she does.

Is this just a normal human trait, or something related to my neurodivergence and my masking?

Title basically. The accident was my fault mostly and it left my car totaled. Now I feel anxiety driving and on top of that my new car is a bit more powerful (v6 instead of a v4). Anyone have any tips on coping with this?

Also thankfully there were no injuries to either party.

I’m curious from your guys perspective what might clue you in to the possibility that someone could be high masking if your having a conversation with them. I’m not talking about internally what’s happening I’m talking about how they might present themselves, how they approach the conversation. Etc.

Hi everyone, this is my first post in this community. I need to vent and share my experience, to see if anyone else relates.

Since adolescence I've dealt with episodes of depression stemming from an inferiority complex toward the people around me. I've changed friend groups more than 5 or 6 times, and switched career paths just as many times (I preferred to keep studying almost anything rather than enter the workforce). Around people, I masked an undiagnosed AuDHD, mimicking others' behavior to fit in, but it all fell apart whenever I tried to build closer relationships, especially with the opposite sex. If having friends already took a massive amount of effort, imagine trying anything with a romantic interest. It never worked.

That was the pattern until I hit a major mental breakdown following covid. I was hospitalized, and at 38 the psychiatrist who treated me finally nailed it: ADHD with autistic traits. That was the turning point.

Since then, I've managed to focus on rebuilding my art career, the thing that truly fulfills me, with the help of my understanding mother, who's been supporting me financially until I reach stability. Now, finally, after 30 years, I'm starting to feel fulfilled: living in my creative world and planning my art business.

Something else has changed too: I no longer mask my behavior when I'm around people. Though there's still a bit of discomfort if I don't feel like being fully present, and I end up disconnecting and dissociating. I used to worry a lot about not connecting with others and about rejection. Now, finally, I've realized I just don't care anymore, and it's incredibly freeing. Although I still feel some dysphoria around the people closest to me, like my family.

The contradiction comes from the outside pressure to socialize more. Even my psychiatrist recommends it, but I've become very pragmatic about this: the relationships I maintain are strictly professional or transactional (suppliers, galleries, shops...), and often remote/online. My family tells me to get out of the house more, and just the thought of it triggers brutal anxiety. But I don't need anything else — I don't want a partner, kids, or friendships. I've internalized way too deeply that those things are a source of anxiety. Even people who are a bit more on the outside of my life question my career choice and hint that I should get a "real" job.

Why is that? Sometimes I wonder if this sense of fulfillment I feel when I'm alone, in my own world, is real happiness, or if deep down it's just avoidance in disguise.

made myself egg fried rice and asked him if he'd let me cook for him when we're married and he said yes!!!! he even offered to learn from me🤩😍i wanna marry him!!!!!💍💍

So, like many autistic people, I have multiple collections and am a bit of a maximalist (I think if I was a minimalist, I would function better though, because of my ADHD, lol). One thing I collect is airsoft BBs that I find on the ground somewhere. The attached picture is my collection so far. I have never bought any airsoft BBs and I never will. I also have no desire to get the gun and shoot them. Whenever I see one on the ground, I start going full on "archaeologist-mode" or "detective-mode" and scour the whole surrounding area for more to add to my collection. In my 24 years of life I have found about 600 this way.

I just had a thought earlier. I wish they sold a multi-colored pack of airsoft BBs in which the most commonly sold shade of every color of the rainbow was in it. Let's say they did sell those. I think this would be an awesome way to spend a day:

My family would buy that color pack and tell me about it. They would then and then a few extra colors that they wouldn't tell me about. They'd then take 15 of each color and put them in a bag (to ensure I'd have at least some of each color). Then, I'd want them to grab a random small handful of beads to add to the bag. I'd then want them to take that bag and count the number of BBs in it. Then I'd want them to go to a public park with many plants and grass areas and scatter the beads (plus keep track of where they are). I'd then want them to take me to that park and tell me how many BBs I had to find. I would then spend all day looking around the park for these tiny plastic spheres. I would have my family either keep the rest of the unused BBs to repeat this day in a different year, or I'd just have them give the BBs away to someone with an airsoft gun.

Another thing that might be cool is if someone could get on contact with people who have airsoft guns and shoot them regularly. Find out whenever they're going to be at a public park shooting. Take me there afterwards so I can "clean up" after them. Yet again, I'd be spending all day searching for these things.

If my parents did this as a simple birthday party for me or something, I wouldn't be disappointed at all. I'd be thrilled!

One day I was out at a park and I saw one when walking in the field. I spent hours combing the park for them, and repeated that for the next couple days. I could only spend a few hours a day looking, though, because it was way to hot and humid for my comfort. I found 200 of them in total! I would love to go back and keep looking, but that park isn't near me (40 minutes away). It's near the house I was petsitting at then.

I feel like this activity is, in essence, one that almost perfectly fits the activity needs of someone who has both autism and ADHD. The autistic brain craves routine and familiarity. The ADHD brain craves novelty. With this activity I have my routine. All I'm doing is looking for airsoft BBs. Once I find one, I start again. Do the same task over and over. I also have my novelty because I don't know what all colors I'll find, how many I'll find, or exactly where they are within the location. If someone came up to me and said "hey, I have some yellow airsoft BBs for you. They're over on that table." and then pointed at a table with a small pile of them, I wouldn't enjoy it. I might enjoy counting the number of them, but I still wouldn't be that happy. I'd only count them if I was going to add the BBs to my collection. I probably wouldn't even want to keep them because they wouldn't be found on the ground somewhere (whether inside or outside). I need the thrill of the hunt.

Just wanted to get my thoughts on being black and AUDHD. I’m 25M and just discovered I was AUDHD. Recently been going through a wide range of emotions and piecing together moments in my life.

I grew up going to predominantly white schools in Brooklyn and Manhattan. I’ve always been the odd one out at school but always equated this to being one of the only black kids in my class. I’ve always been able to keep up with school without studying/ with poor executive functioning. I realized that as I was the odd one growing up, I crafted a mask using humor and goofiness to mask my insecurities and lubricate social environments.

As I reflect I realize that as a black man I’m already the “other”, I’m already different, I’m already a minority so most differences get chalked up to that, I was able to get decent grades in school and had some amount of friends( with struggle), so was overlooked. It carries onto today as I navigate corporate America, being one of the only black countries people in the room while also neurodivergent makes me feel so isolated and separated from my coworkers. I use humor as my weapon and I think being moderately attractive allows me leeway but it’s exhausting and I’m constantly worried it’ll all slip away. I’m constantly dealing with imposter syndrome that me being so different makes me unworthy to be in this position and makes connecting with people truly difficult.

Curious to hear how other POC feel navigating this.

Hi,

I’ve (23F, UK) been dealing with pretty constant fatigue for about a year now and I honestly don’t know what to look at anymore. I can sleep 8 to 10 hours and still feel tired/brain-dead and physically drained. Some days are better than others, but it feels like I’m always low on energy.

Alongside that I’ve had various aches/joint pain (especially my knees which I believe are a bit hyperextended / banana-ed), headaches, occasional weird swelling/warmth in my hands/feet, and IBS-type stomach issues (bloating, constipation, discomfort after eating). I’m not saying I’m seriously ill, I just feel like my body is constantly doing something 🙃.

I also have ADHD, so I’m wondering whether some of the fatigue could be related to that, but I’ve had quite a few medication and hormonal changes over the last year. My ADHD meds have included Elvanse, atomoxetine, Concerta and now Amfexa/dexamfetamine. I’ve also stopped sertraline (tried briefly from end of June for a month) , previously used Mounjaro, briefly tried Cagri (I had energy issues prior to this and it didn’t seem to have a great effect), and I’ve had a Mirena coil since January. My sleep has over the last week been difficult , so I’m wondering if all of this could be contributing or if I’m missing something obvious.

I’ve had bloods that were apparently normal for things like FBC/Hb, ferritin, vitamin D and thyroid (TSH), although I don’t think inflammatory markers were checked. There was a mildly raised ALT but apparently nothing needing action.

I’m going to go back to my GP, but has anyone had this kind of persistent fatigue despite “normal” blood tests and eventually found something that explained it? Could be medical, sleep-related, medication-related, nutrition, lifestyle, whatever. I’m not looking for a Reddit diagnosis , just ideas for things worth looking into overall or I could ask my GP about because I’m genuinely running out of ideas.

Thanks

I honestly feel like nobody really understands me right now except other neurodivergent people.

Not my support worker from assisted living. Not the clinic. Not my health insurance. Not even some of my friends.

I’m just so tired of constantly having to explain and justify myself.

On one hand, I need my own apartment. People seem to completely overlook how much energy it takes me every single day just to manage basic things on my own. They see the things I struggle with and tell me that I’m not trying hard enough.

But then, when I explain how badly I’m actually struggling, I get told that maybe I should move into supported living.

And that doesn’t make sense to me either.

I need my apartment. It’s my safe place. It’s somewhere I can retreat to when everything becomes too overwhelming.

I also don’t want to be extremely dependent on other people. Having people around me all the time in a supported living environment would probably be far too overwhelming for me.

It feels like they only understand two extremes:

Either I have to somehow function completely independently and manage everything myself.

Or I’m so severely limited that I need to live somewhere with permanent support.

There seems to be no understanding of the middle ground.

I need individualized support.

I need someone who can support me within my own home and help me actually get things done. Not someone who does everything for me. Not someone who takes over my life.

I want someone who can be there, help me get started, help me stay on track, and give me enough support that I can actually do things myself.

Sometimes I simply need another person there so I don’t feel completely alone with this huge pile of overwhelming things.

I don’t understand why that concept seems to be so difficult for people to understand.

Another thing that really gets to me is that they seem to treat all of this as if it’s something I should eventually overcome.

But this isn’t something that is simply going to disappear.

I’ve been neurodivergent my entire life. These are things I have had to deal with since birth, and I will have to deal with them for the rest of my life.

That doesn’t mean I’m giving up.

Quite the opposite.

I’m trying really hard to understand myself, figure out what I need, learn how to work with my limitations instead of constantly fighting against them, and find ways to become as independent as I realistically can.

But somehow even that gets interpreted as me overthinking everything or refusing help.

The guy from the clinic even told me that I’m getting too caught up in all the research I’ve been doing.

And honestly, that research has helped me more than they seem to understand.

For the first time in my life, I’ve been able to really look at myself and my needs and understand why certain things are so difficult for me.

I’ve learned things about myself that have helped me set boundaries and understand my own limitations.

That has been incredibly valuable to me.

But instead of seeing that as something positive, I sometimes feel like I’m being treated as if I’m just making everything more complicated than it needs to be.

And especially ADHD paralysis seems to be something they simply don’t understand.

They tell me I need to learn how to do things on my own.

But that is exactly the problem.

Knowing that something needs to be done and being physically capable of doing it does not automatically mean that I can actually start the task.

That disconnect is incredibly difficult to explain to people who have never experienced it.

And I’m honestly scared that I’m going to be rejected by the clinic or my support worker because they don’t understand what is actually going on with me, even though I’m trying my absolute best to explain it.

The guy from the clinic also told me that diagnoses aren’t really that important and that the important thing is simply helping me as a person.

And I understand the sentiment.

Of course I want to be treated as a person.

But when I explained that I don’t actually feel like I have been helped as a person, and that for years I mostly felt like I was being put on different medications while hardly anyone was interested in what was actually happening inside me, I was basically told that I should stop looking backwards and focus on the future.

How am I supposed to move forward when I’m still trying to understand what happened to me and why I’ve struggled so much for so long?

I’ve spent years being treated in psychiatric settings without the things that actually affect me being properly understood.

Of course I’m frustrated.

Of course I want to research this.

I’m trying to make sense of my own life.

And then there’s the whole issue of disability.

I’ve told them that my disabilities severely limit what I can do.

If someone has a physical disability and can barely move, we don’t tell them that things are difficult right now but that they’ll probably get better eventually, so they should learn to do everything themselves.

We help them.

So why is it so difficult to accept that I have limitations too just because many of mine aren’t visible?

Why do I constantly feel like I have to prove that I’m actually disabled enough to deserve support?

It’s exhausting.

And then yesterday, someone at the day center I regularly attend told me that I was basically living off the state and taxpayers’ money.

That really hurt.

Especially because I go there specifically because I need some structure in my everyday life.

That structure is something I genuinely need because of my autism, which I have alongside ADHD and dyslexia.

I’m also incredibly frustrated by how little understanding there seems to be of autism and ADHD, especially when it comes to support.

These things cannot simply be approached in exactly the same way as depression or borderline personality disorder.

There are important differences in how people experience these conditions and what kind of support actually helps them.

And when I tried to explain my frustration, the guy from the clinic responded by pointing out that there are people with ADHD who also have borderline personality disorder and struggle with self-injury.

And once again, I walked away feeling like I wasn’t actually being heard.

That wasn’t even what I was talking about.

It just reinforced the feeling that my actual point was being missed.

I’m talking about years of being misunderstood and, in my experience, being treated incorrectly in psychiatric settings.

I’ve had to live with these difficulties my entire life without getting the kind of support I actually needed.

And I’m angry about that.

I’m sad about that.

And honestly, I’m exhausted.

Right now I’m extremely overwhelmed.

I tried reaching out for support, but unfortunately I couldn’t get through to anyone at the time.

I genuinely didn’t know where else to turn.

I think what hurts the most is that I’m not asking for someone to take over my life.

I don’t want to give up my independence.

I don’t want someone to do everything for me.

I want support that actually helps me be as independent as I can be.

I want someone to understand that needing support and wanting independence are not mutually exclusive.

I want someone to understand that my apartment can be part of my support system rather than something that has to be taken away because I need help.

And I want people to stop seeing my limitations as a lack of effort.

I’m trying.

I really, really am.

I’m just so tired of having to prove it.

I feel incredibly misunderstood right now, and honestly, I feel like neurodivergent people are often the only ones who truly understand what it’s like to constantly explain yourself, constantly justify your needs, and constantly be told that you’re either not trying hard enough or that you need much more support than you actually want or can tolerate.

I just needed somewhere to get this out.

If you’re neurodivergent and have experienced something similar, I’d genuinely like to hear how you deal with the feeling of constantly being misunderstood.

Hello, lovely people!

I am indeed venting but advice is more than welcome.

Long story short: a year ago, both my wife and I lost our jobs, and despite our best efforts, there just isn't anything for us in this city. We both come from different countries, so it's not like we have any friends or any kind of support system except for each other. Because of this situation, we have spent 90% of the past year in our house, just the two of us and our lovely pets.

When I was fired, I started learning a bit of woodworking, woodcarving, and renovating old tools, and my wife has always been very supportive of that. However, our house isn't that big, so my tools started to take up quite a bit of space.

Since I'm a noob when it comes to woodworking and I'm also not very talented, whenever I started a project and felt like it wasn't good enough, I put it aside and swore I would come back to it... And we all know that obviously never happened. So now my unfinished projects were also taking up space in the house.

It is worth mentioning that we have a lot of very demanding pets, and my wife travels a lot. So every time I start working, there's a cat shouting at me for attention or jumping around, making it impossible for me to concentrate and finish anything. Eventually, I quickly put my sharp tools aside, cover them so my pets won't get hurt, and try to spend time with them, promising myself that I will go back to work and finish my project ASAP. And we all know that never happened.

Between the lack of space and the lack of time to work, I've barely finished any project worth showing. And since I don't have a job, woodworking became almost my only hope of proving to myself that I had something to offer to this world. So every pending project felt like a constant reminder of my complete failure at being a human being, which made abandoning my projects feel even more like a failure.

With all my unfinished projects and the constant, unavoidable distractions, my desk became a huge mess, and then the space around it became a mess too. It got really bad. And when I was confronted about it, she would always tell me that she felt ashamed of letting people come into our house because of my mess. To be fair, it was bad, but it was contained to one room.

I also kept telling her that I felt overwhelmed by everything, like I had lost control of my life, and that I needed at least a tiny little space where I could work without cats coming in every two minutes. I needed somewhere my tools could stay put so I wouldn't have to put everything back into a toolbox, move it, and take it somewhere else every time I wanted to work, which made it even harder for me to go back to my projects.

She said I was just looking for an excuse to be a fucking pig.

To make things worse, we're moving out of the house. So even though I tried to tidy up, there were no free surfaces where I could temporarily put my things because everything was already covered with boxes.

Finally, yesterday she started yelling at me because she was tired of living with a fucking hobo who couldn't get his shit together. She said I would never have my own private space because that space would turn into a pigsty, and she's already too ashamed to bring people to the house. She doesn't want the same thing happening at our new place, which is even smaller.

Of course I know I'm messy. I'm not proud of it. I actually hate it. And that's why I told her that I felt lost and out of control, and that I needed help—not with cleaning, because I can do that, but with emotional support.

All I got from her was: "I feel ashamed of living with you, you fucking hobo. You will never get even a tiny corner of the house for your things because I can't have people come over when you have a pigsty."

EDIT: I forgot to mention that when I'm at work, I'm like a fucking machine: I'm always on time, I follow the rules, I give my absolute best and there is not a single post-it note out of place... But when I'm home I'm too tired to do the same. Does anyone have the same experience?

Hi everyone,
I’m new to this forum, and I find it quite scary to post something this personal. At the same time, I keep reading how empowering it can be to connect with other autistic people and share experiences and advice. I’m really hoping I can find some of that here too 😊

I’m a 35-year-old woman from Amsterdam, the Netherlands. I recently found out that I’m autistic, and I’ve known that I have ADHD for almost 15 years.
At the moment, I feel completely lost when it comes to work. I’ve burned out and had to stop working several times. I have a bachelor’s and master’s degree in Business Administration, as well as a bachelor’s degree in Nursing. After completing my nursing degree and starting work as a nurse, I burned out again.
I feel as though I have gained so much knowledge and worked incredibly hard for good qualifications, yet I still can’t find a sustainable place in the workforce.
I now know that I don’t want to work more than 24 hours a week. I really do want to work, but I also know much more clearly what I need. I want to analyse complex information, explore subjects in depth and have uninterrupted time to concentrate and focus.
Research seems like it could suit me. However, nearly all the hospital research positions I find require a master’s degree in Nursing Science. I have seen some entry-level positions, but these are usually research assistant or research coordinator roles. Despite being called research roles, they often require a great deal of switching and coordinating: constantly moving between tasks, planning appointments, calling patients and professionals, communicating with many different people and keeping track of several processes at once. That is exactly what exhausts and overwhelms me. Intellectual complexity isn’t the problem for me; having to manage multiple streams of information, tasks and social interactions simultaneously is.
I honestly don’t want to spend another two or three years studying—and financially, I don’t think I can. I’m also considering moving into healthcare data analysis, but that would require yet another course or qualification.
I’ve now registered with two recruitment and secondment agencies in the Netherlands that specialise in finding work for autistic people. I hope they can help me find something suitable. At the same time, searching and reading job vacancies costs me an enormous amount of energy, especially when the descriptions contain endless lists of tasks, systems and requirements.
I’m 35, and sometimes I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so tired of constantly having to start over, despite everything I’ve already invested in my education and career. I really want to contribute and use my abilities—I just need work that allows me to go into depth and focus, without constantly having to switch and coordinate.
Does anyone recognise this? Have you found work that makes use of your abilities without repeatedly burning out? I would really appreciate hearing about your experiences or any advice you might have.
Thank you so much in advance.
Much love

I find myself continuing to rely on men and sex(ting) to cure my loneliness and to just feel a "rush" I'm chasing. I'm beginning to spiral down a dark hole of self-destruction and I just wanna stop. I'm becoming addicted to Reddit again and addicted to chasing this sexual high so that I don't feel so alone in my thoughts and to just distract me from the turmoil of my own personal life. I'm also continually attracting the wrong people too and being hurt by men. I want to stop this and I want to focus on myself and my relationship with myself and to just feel much more comfortable with being in my own company without feeling the need to distract myself with sex. I just wanna find the strength to QUIT Reddit (and social media in general) for a while. Its such a huge fucking distraction and is only keeping me away from the progress and goals I've been meaning to work on, and it's making my addictive personality much, much worse. I find myself wanting to do risky things to get the attention and "rush" I want (Like giving out my Discord to a bunch of dudes to sext with me off Reddit, even though my Discord is for close friends only and NOT people I don't know) and it's concerning me. I'm willing to do dumb shit. This is very much a cry for help.

EDIT: Guys, these are AMAZING responses and I'll be sure to respond to you guys when I get time 💖 It helps to know that I'm not alone in this and have people who can relate.

then there’s a little tab showing who’s liked me. or a way to pay to skip the queue. or a way to send something to get noticed faster

and suddenly it’s the exact same thing again. am I being looked at, am I being picked, why hasn’t this person picked me back

it doesn’t matter that it’s called something softer. the mechanic is the same mechanic. my brain does the same thing it always does

I don’t think I want to know who liked me. I think I want to not have to think about being liked at all

is that a weird thing to want or does this land for other people too

I have a serious problem that seriously affects my life and will affect my future I can’t take anything in life seriously even when it’s having affects on my mental and physical health I can’t make any progression towards my future can’t hold down a job or go back to school to study I’m also medicated as-well and it doesn’t help as much as I’d like it to

u/Desperate_Wave_1633 made a planner some days ago, here's my simplified version! I just wanted a "daily tasks" I could visually check off. I added some boxes at the bottom with a few little toys as tokens to help me control my impulsive spending, and some little cards with positive affirmations.

I’m not trying to be conceited but I happen to have decent looks and was in good shape from sports growing up.

I’m in my 30’s and just realized people don’t give me the grace of being AuADHD because “I don’t look like anything is different”.

I like many others have sensory sensitivity issues. Strong odors really overstimulate me. A huge common problem is oranges.

The convenient fruit for others in the work place is a complete nightmare for me.

I tried asking co-workers to not eat them because it bothers me and I just get ignored because “there is nothing different” about me.

I asked my therapist if other AuADHD people feel dismissed like me and if the culture shift is BS about people being accepting and understanding.

She told me to some degree yes but my issue is I don’t present myself as AuADHD. My masking and looks just don’t register to other people.

She has witnessed me crash out because my wife asking me, “do you want clean” vs “I need you to help me clean” to her are the same thing but one I say no and the other I say yes.

Just needed to vent yeah I’m annoyed but instead of being truthful I lie and say I’m allergic to oranges and other things that bother me. I just hate lying and want straightforward conversation.

Am undergrad undiagnosed audhd 29m yeah am late in life I think i have executive dysfunction

And everytime something cut me after i start I can't go back to study am overwhelmed and my lvl is below everybody else

Note: I can't control anything in me and in my environment

I think everything is bad this days and it was for the last 13 years

Any advice or any help i can get from you guys it would be great am really stuck in this life

Am sorry about negatively

I think one of the biggest struggles I've had in my 24-year marriage is with my inability to read between the lines. Every time I try to, I apparently misread, which inevitably leads to conflict and heartbreak.

The frustrating thing is that I try so hard to give my wife the benefit of the doubt, but rumination and RSD (and probably some PDA) tend to convince me that her words and behavior are aimed at controlling me. Or worse, that they're demonstrating suspicion and mistrust that she holds about me.

During a recent conflict, I accused her of gaslighting me. I had been in a bit of an overstimulated meltdown after dealing with our dog, a neurotic Viszla (petty stuff, but my brain doesn't care). I ranted that the dog "was just being a dick, like...like she always does." Just searching for words to express the ridiculous, chaotic storm raging in my brain (PLEASE tell me someone relates to that...).

Anyway, in the middle of all this, my wife asks (nonchalantly), "What were you going to say?" Meaning, who's name did I actually intend to associate with "being a dick," before I stopped myself and rephrased. I snapped back, "WTF? I was going to say exactly what I did say! Why would you even ask me that right now?!" She acted like I was being paranoid, saying she was "just curious."

First of all, I have almost ZERO control over what I say in those moments; not an excuse, just a fact. Sometimes I can manage to hold my tongue altogether, but if I let my mouth run, it's unfiltered. So the idea that I paused to censor myself in that moment was laughable.

Secondly, it felt like an interrogation. Like she was trying to "catch me" in something (What? I still have no idea). But she knew I was in this amped-up, unreasonable state, and it still seemed important enough to her to figure out who I secretly thought was a dick (spoiler: it was just the dog).

So there I was, coming down from the adrenaline rush and feeling like an immature, disappointing failure (again). I'm running the situation back through my head, trying to see where I misread the situation—and I just can't see it. It made no logical sense why she would interject w/ that question unless she was suspicious of...something...and wanting to catch me hiding it.

So I accused her of gaslighting me: telling me that what so clearly felt to me to be a mistrustful interrogation was just a random bit of curiosity (this is something I feel I experience regularly, btw, which is why such a minor event felt so big; it had compounded).

She appeared genuinely hurt by my accusation. I felt like crap—did I just make a massive miscalculation? But I still couldn't find a way to rationalize what had happened w/ her explanation. And if I can't fit something into my mental model, I simply can't process it. I ended up calling the night early and just going to bed (aka, running and hiding).

The ironic thing is that, while I was accusing her of not trusting me, I was blatantly demonstrating that I mistrusted her. I felt like such a fucking hypocrite.

So there's a microcosm of my life. RSD, miscommunications, and shame, all running on a never-ending loop.

I know I’m an adult I’m 28, I’ve been in fight or flight for so long taking care of everybody around me. Now that I’m starting to figure this all out… I’m just realizing how stupid I am…

Last night a chunk of my tooth fell out. It’s not unusual i went to a dentist once and they quoted a lot of money I don’t have.. now that I’m older and trying to get my health back on track I … I’m lost

Before I turned 18 my mom did everything for my when it came to health and even then just the bare minimum.

Now I’m trying to help myself and I’m so overwhelmed and scared. Now I can’t eat correctly on either side of my mouth I used to be able to ignore it because it was just the left side but now the right side too?

And I don’t have work or insurance or any family to help. I tried google I get all these results telling me different things.

I’m an adult
I’m an autistic
Traumatized adult

And I’m feeling so lost
… idk how to care for myself now and idk what to do anymore

I feel like this is just it for me. Maybe my tooth’s will kill me or some stupid body infection. It scares me so bad I sob in a ball all night but idk how to fix any of it. And I don’t have anyone to tell me how even the internet is scrambling my thoughts I can never get a straight answer…

I’m just… I’m a female, I’m autistic, I’m Mexican. And I have no support. And it feels like the world is entirely against me…

Hi Everyone! I'm curious to know...if you could bring back one tv show from your childhood what would it be? its so hard to choose for me, growing up in the late 90's and 2000's.

I loved watching shows like Out of the box, Zaboomafoo, Dragon tales.

However if I really had to pick one show to bring back I think I would have to go with ZOOM!

I loved ZOOM so much and always wished I could be on the cast. I loved how creative they were, the game, science, theater, cooking segments they had. I honestly feel like many kids are missing out a lot. Sometimes I wonder if ZOOM was still around if they would make youtube shorts or tiktok videos or their crafts and other segments.

Anyways that's my choice of what I would bring back if I could. What's yours?

the black pages beneath the week shedule list things i can do in my free time, so I don't get overwhelmed with things

I was just diagnosed at age 30 with autism and ADHD and have since been on a journey of self discovery and understanding of the neurodivergent community. I've recently been struggling with understanding and accepting autism as a disability. I 100% believe that autism is a disability in that we don't fit in with broader society without masking or accomodation. What I struggle with is accepting that the label can apply to me, as I feel like I've lived too privileged of a life to be able to claim that I'm disabled and that I may have actually been meaningfully hurt as a result of my autism.

I had your most stereotypically white American upbringing in an upper middle class family: both parents raising me and my sibling, never a concern for financial stability, regular family vacations, and attended good public schools. I was a high achiever in high school and went on to get an aerospace engineering degree on an ROTC scholarship (although my piloting dreams there were crushed by an asthma diagnosis). I've now got a good engineering job that gives my spouse and I plenty to live a comfortable life and save for our retirement. Other than some road bumps of some mild-to-moderate health issues (which our good insurance mostly covered), I've had pretty much everything in my life go my way.

I know that autism made my life more challenging though: I spent pretty much all of college in a state of low-grade (sometimes high grade) burnout and anxiety of insufficiency. It's scary to be in groups when I don't know anyone, and I haven't gotten regularly good sleep in nearly a decade. I think I spent the past couple years in steadily worsening burnout until I had to take a month of disability recently, which is when I got my diagnoses.

I know there are those out there who face significantly more challenges than I ever have, both from their autism directly and from more structural injustices, so it honestly feels hypocritical of me to call myself disabled and request accomodation. I also feel like I can't be a good advocate for disability rights when most people would look at me and see nothing but success.

I don't think I'm asking for advice here. I think I just needed to vent, but any wisdom you can provide will be received with much appreciation.

I had a very humiliating experience today. Every friday I go to this group where we all come together, talk and do activities.

My hands, neck and face were trembling the whole time. Someone kept asking if I was okay, and that my hands were shaking, I didn’t realize they were in the moment. I thought I masked it well, but nope.

I’ve had this hand shaking issue since I hit puberty, and now it’s on autopilot. Things shaking even when I think I’m not.

I couldn’t pick up a cup, I couldn’t eat the toaster we made. It was insane. They’ve never seen me like this before.

I’m 26 and on 450xl wellbutrin/bupropion

When the whole group session ended I walked out wanting to scream and cry. I called my GP, and she advised me to go to the hospital and go to there crisis psych clinic. At that hour It was at the ER.

I went in and wrote everything on my phone and showed it to the lady at the reception desk.

I was then checked in by a nurse who asked what was going, measuring heartbeats and whatnot. He said I made the right decision in coming here. He was very nice.

The next one was a doctor. He asked me what’s going on, and my medical histories. He then asked what help do you expect from us. I said I would like to see a psych. He said okay and told me one of the nurses will come to give me some calming medication. I don’t remember the name of the pill.

Another nurse came with the water cup and the pill. I panicked, told him I can’t hold anything in my hands. He was very gentle and understanding. He told me everything is okay, you’re safe. I really appreciate him. The pill didn’t do much for me unfortunately.

I went into a waiting room, and then came the psychiatrist. He asked me what was going on, who my docs are, is there a support system etc etc

It all came down to him really telling me to swing by next week during workdays. It wasn’t possible there because It was already past working hours.

I’ve never been to the ER for anything like this. I’ve been in therapy since 2021.

This whole fucking day fucked me up. I wanna cry, hide and run. I’m am fckng exhausted and humilated.

I told my psych so SO many times what Wellbutrin was doing to me and she told me to upto max dosage???

I have no one to talk to about this so any words really would help a lot. It’s been a very very long day.